Conversation with Victor:
me: This fortune cookie is confusing me. How would I peel my ears? I’ve heard of keeping your eyeballs peeled but who peels ears? And now that I think about it, why are we even peeling eyeballs? That sounds super painful.
Victor: It’s a figure of speech.
me: It’s not a good one. If you peel off my eye skin I would not be able to see better. That’s not how eyes work.
Victor: It just means to keep your eyes open. You “peel your eyes” by “opening your eyelids”.
me: Oh. So when you wink at someone you’re actually “unpeeling an eye seductively”?
Victor: I guess?
me: But still, you can’t “peel” an ear. You cock an ear. Explain that one.
Victor: Just stop talking.
me: That’s what I thought.
93 thoughts on “Ow. That’s my earhole.”
Read comments below or add one.
Also, why do your ears burn when someone is talking about you?
It’s starting to sound like a horror movie. Please don’t peel your ears off or peel your eyes. That would be bad!
Are you wearing shorts? That’s even weirder than peeling your eyes and ears.
(It was an accident. I tried them on and Hailey said I was too old to wear shorts so I had to buy them. ~ Jenny)
I’m beginning to think that his favorite way to end conversations with you he doesn’t understand is to tell you to stop talking. That’s a cop out if I’ve ever heard one.
Then again, the day he tells you to keep talking you’ll know he’s been replaced with a pod person, so there’s that.
I am due for a good eyeball peel. Or maybe it’s a pedicure I need. One or the other.
I always get confused about the saying “keep your ear to the ground”. Like, I get that if you listen to the ground you can hear movement or whatever (maybe?) but who’s sitting there with their ear pressed against the ground all day? What if a bug crawls in there? And who has that kind of time?
Ooohh! Ask Victor if you can peel a cock!
Am I the only one who slips and says earballs all the time? As in open your earballs, fool! No? Just me then?
BUT WHAT IS THE RIGHT MOMENT FOR EAR AND EYE PEELING? Fortune Cookie Fortune, damn you for being so oblique!
And “laughing your head off”… wtf is up with that one???
I know a joke about a one-eye hooker. It was a long joke. But you only needed the punchline: “I’ll keep an eye out for you.”
Festus on Gunsmoke always said, “I’ll keep my eyeballs peeled.” I always cringed with that expression, but I was a pretty literal little kid. (Say that three times fast.)
You are correct–ears cannot be peeled. (Like when are you not correct??) And fortune cookies are usually such reliable sources of hard data. Hard to believe they missed this one! Now they’ll know to fix it. Jenny to the rescue again.
I thought I was the only one who said ear holes! Further proof that we should totally be best friends.
Don’t peel skin.
I get the WORST fortune cookie fortunes in the universe. See here: http://psb1969.blogspot.com/2014/10/winds-of-fortune.html
Be careful with that whole cocking thing too…
If you do cock your ear, be sure to use a condom so you don’t get hearing aids!
The word peel is awful. Unless it’s really close to “banana.”
I’m just over here keeping my ass peeled. Ow. If you can peel your ears, you can surely peel your butt.
Wait, wait! you’re suppose to add “in bed” after the fortune! That could really change things!
I actually had my eyeskin peeled–well, lasered technically, and I actually see much better than I could before. Maybe the fortune cookie is suggesting you ditch the glasses and go for Lasik. But peeling ears? Is that like what happened in Reservoir Dogs?
To cock an ear is similar to cocking your head, ie: turning it slightly to one side. In the case of cocking an ear it’s tilting your head so one ear is more prominently pointed towards the source of the sound, as if that would help us to hear it better.
It doesn’t, generally, but for some reason it helps trick our brains into paying more attention to the sound we want to focus on.
(So there are no penises involved at all? Are you sure? ~ Jenny)
Is this like killing two birds with one stone? Peeling both your eyes and ears? And why would you kill any birds at all? That’s just mean.
Asked how she met Sammie Davis Jr., his girlfriend replied that she was sitting in the first row at his performance… and caught his eye.
you can cock your ear, your head, and there’s even a ‘cock of the walk’. I feel like this has to be some old-timey smut joke that we’re oblivious to. Me? I still snicker when I have to ask the guy at the hardware store for ‘caulking’; if I started cocking my ears I’d never stop giggling.
There are no pain receptors in eyeballs, so technically peeling eyeballs shouldn’t hurt. Or maybe my doctor lied to me because I was being whiny.
Your fingernails are beautiful!
I love Victor! <3
@livevivified – my daughter says “earballs” all the time! It makes me laugh every time I hear it.
We also peel bananas. Getting confused.
When I ask questions like that, which I think are valid questions, my wife looks at me as if I am crazy. Bwahahahahahahaha!
Maybe it’s actually a recipe. Potatoes have eyes and one can peel potatoes. Corn has ears and one can peel (shuck) those. Or maybe it’s a recipe for zombies. How “for” is intended in that sentence is your call.
Not to toot my own horn, but I had to address one of these kind of expressions too. Colder than a Well-Digger’s Ass versus Colder than a Witch’s Tit. If you’re interested: http://www.mrs-completely.com/funnywoman/father-isms/
This post was quite eye-opening and ap-peeling.
Victor obviously doesn’t think out of the box with regard to vocabulary.
Shorts? Now I’m just bummed thinking about putting on shorts. The horror.
I love you. That is all.
I want my eyes peeled so they can see clearly when the rain is gone and all obstacles in my way…, Some spa must offer this service somewhere. Now as for ear peeling. Technically this counts as a type of skin peel would it not?
Our joke has always been to add “in bed” at the end of each sentence of a fortune cookie. Try it next time and see the kind of madness that ensues.
Have a nice day.
“Peals of laughter” or the audience “pealed with laughter.” Growing up, I wondered if the people were stripping as they laughed or if “pealed” was some sort of fancy past tense of the word “peed.” Either mental image was scaring to say the least.
Better then when i had to sign for a package then I hear my timer go “ding!” There is nothing more ridiculous then telling the postal guy that he “needs to hold on because you need to finish some spotted dicks”
I totally love these comments 😂
The right moment will be June 1st, at 11:47 AM.
I hope there will be a follow-up post on ear-cocking.
You could do an entire book of Conversations with Victor. Instant bestseller and an inspiration to married women everywhere.
Ear Cocks & Metal Chickens would make an excellent title for your next… thing.
i take it you’ve never had a sunburn on your ears. I have. and it’s the only time I’ve ever had to peel my ears.
I will never eat Chinese food again.
Maybe they meant ears of corn! You should eat corn on the cob WHILE watching for the right moment.
I want to know about that “Just wait for the right moment” part. The right moment for what? To expel gas? To sneak a cookie?
I’m thinking the fortune cookie people are really burned out. They should hire some of us to create fortunes so people get their money’s worth. Or at least walk out of the restaurant even more confused.
You are awesome, and very funny ! You say what we are all thinking 🙂
Well as long as it’s not a chemical peel, because non-organic, eewww
Ok, I’m having a thought… What about peeling ears of corn? Or peeling the eyes off of the potatoes? Either way, these sayings make me a little cookoo
Cocking an ear sounds like a painful fetish I never want to be a part of.
Victor makes me laugh. You two are perfect!
I once got a fortune that said “the fortune you seek is in another cookie.” That’s when you know it’s just not your day.
Does telling you to stop talking … you know… WORK? Because it never works on me. If anything, I find it encouraging, even validating. I take it to mean that my words are meaningful and that Mr.Spouse needs time to ponder them, and that he’s about to have a breakthrough. Or breakdown. Whichever. They’re so hard to tell apart.
When you get laser eye surgery, don’t they peel off some of your eyeball and then you see better? Maybe that’s what it means. If we peeled our ears maybe that would peel away ear wax and ear hair too and then we can hear better.
Wait, wait, wait…I’m stuck on your answer to comment #3. Too old to wear shorts? Um, you (and I) live in Texas. I’m like a billion years older than you, and I can’t imagine how I’m supposed to live through half the damn year without wearing shorts. Also, my Precocious Daughter knows better than to tell me I’m too old to do anything. That’s the surest way to get me to show up at a band parents’ meeting wearing a 21 Pilots t-shirt and cornrows.
Love your over analytical mind 🙂 I too, share this curse which makes the world ever more confusing at times. Sharon
I know, right? Another saying is ‘keep your eyes peeled and your ears open!’ But aren’t our ears always open?? I don’t know anyone who can close their ears and I have never seen anyone who has ear flaps they have to open to hear. It’s a confusing world out there, no wonder we choose to stay out of it as much as possible😂
I wear shorts all year long and I live in Western NY, damn hot flashes!
One would think that cocking your ear would make it harder to hear…
Let’s just all not peel anything, how about that?
If you have Lasik eye surgery done they peel the top layer off of your eye. I haven’t had this done personally. I just saw a video posted on Facebook about it and couldn’t ‘peel’ my eyes away from it…those videos always get the better if me. If I was a cat curiosity would have killed me 8000 times by now.
If you “cock an ear”, is that considered aural sex?
Sometimes I like to wait for the left moment, with eyeballs unpeeled and my ears uncocked. #itried
I’d say maybe they mean like an ear of corn but you shuck those, not peel them so….I don’t know.
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I just want to know how something “really chaps my ass”, but chaps are assless.
Haha you guys are goals
“Stop talking” can be interpreted as “Victory!” Victor may never win at this rate. He may need to change his name.
Ear peeling always happens after ear burning if you’re the type of person who sunburns easily and forgets their sunscreen.
Ear cocking only happens when two people really love each other.*
*Rule 34 applies in all states be they physical or metaphysical and this author accepts no responsibility for any damage done to any sentient being who partakes in applying Rule 34 to self or other sentient beings.
Oh, my. I love you.
OMG! Okay, so listen. With your ear peeled. I thought this was funny until someone mentioned ear on the ground and a bug crawling up in it. That is TOTALLY NOT FUNNY! It made me shiver, and not in antica……….pation. I had a big ol’ moth fly in my ear one day and let me tell you now, I only wish I could’ve peeled my ear off. That big huge moth was too big to back out and the more I tried to get him out the more he flapped his damn wings! That was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my whole fucking life! If it had not been for a friend of mine that lived near by coming and pulling that behemoth moth out of my ear I truly believe I would have died from fear or stress or a heart attack because of the other two! And also about the cocking of the ear well, let’s just say that I was cleaning moth parts out of my ear for weeks and I’m pretty sure one of them was a moth cock. Forget water boarding to get terrorist to talk. Just put a fucking moth in their ear and they’ll tell you anything you want to hear just to get the fucking thing out! It’s all fun and games until a moth flies in someone’s ear.
Hi Jenny! I tried to post on your Easter basket thread…there were a lot of responses. But NO, somehow I put my comment on a page that showed only a dead mouse on an Easter egg, all by myself!! (*not proud of that)! Since I was expressing how I don’t ‘do twitter’ But would dearly love to interact with the amazing Tribe of The Bloggess…Can you please find me & please fix that?? My ocd has me thinking about what I did (??) on your site & it’s 1230am on Wed. Because, Insomnia 😩😴. Thank you & Good night, Jenny! You totally CAN wear shorts, even if your amazing & trendy Hailey says you can’t!! Please come to Disneyland, before the heat & summer crowds arrive? I’d be thrilled just to read your post, much less hope to be So lucky as to see you enjoying the Parks here!! Have a magical Day!!
Brian #70….Yeah! ‘Ass chapping’ is my go to ‘how pissed am I?’ expression… but, ‘Fuck me over the bathroom sink’ admits agreement before defeat. Maybe Jennie should say that when Victor says ‘Stop talking.’ ??
I had to read this blog entry twice, because the first time I read it all I was thinking was, “Is Jenny actually wearing shorts instead of a skirt. OMG.” But following my second reading I agree that peeling any body parts seems uncomfortable and unnecessary.
P.S. I always pretend my fortune cookie says the same thing. “Help! I’m a Chinese worker being held against my will in this fortune cookie factory!”. My family unfortunately knows my repeated joke by now and so, it’s never funny. I still laugh. If I don’t laugh at my own jokes, then no one will, and so it goes.
sounds like something from the Hannibal Lechter Cookbook
Thanks, for sharing this, I needed a laugh today! Please never stop being you and sharing with us!
Seriously. You’re one lucky lucky lady. He’s a patient one, that Victor. And you both always keep me laughing
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I had a Spanish teacher who told the class that when we were going to use certain expressions we should to “peel your eyes” to make sure we used the right form. GAD! It’s such a graphic image! Maybe it’s a figure of speech in Spanish?
Why is it you can blink your eyes if you don’t want to see something but need to use your fingers if you don’t want to hear something?
THANKS FOR ONLY DOING THIS STUFF HALFWAY, EVOLUTION!
How do you cock an ear? Is this some sexual lingo that I don’t know about?
My wife gets upset when I cock her in the ear.
Hard to say: Would “poking dead bodies with a stick” be something of an aspiration?
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Ha ha – you said cock.
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