Let’s destroy Mercury

So I’ve been super up and down mentally lately and I’m not sure why, but usually when I’m this crazy people tell me it’s because Mercury is in retrograde (and it totally is right now), so my suggestion is that we just blow up Mercury.

I realize this might seem like a radical move but that’s the sort of extreme shit that happens whenever Mercury goes into retrograde, so basically Mercury brought this on itself.  And I’m not victim-blaming or anything, but I did just google “how does Mercury affect the human body” and turns out people die of mercury poisoning all the fucking time.  So basically it’s us or Mercury and I think this counts as self-defense.  Victor says that I’ve confused mercury (the element) with Mercury (the planet) and that’s possible but I’m not listening to him because Victor can be a real asshole whenever Mercury starts going into retrograde and at this point I suspect he’s being controlled by it.  It’s like he’s Patty Hearst and Mercury has a loaded gun and lots of charisma.

Also, I suspect that poisonous mercury comes from Mercury because why else would it be named that?  The only good thing about mercury is that it’s used inside old-fashioned glass thermometers, but even then it’s only helpful if you’re already sick.  Plus, you have to put it in your mouth for it to work and it’s poisonous.  I’m pretty sure this is a sign that Mercury is trying to kill us all, starting with the weak and already sick.  I call shenanigans.  Let’s blow up Mercury and replace it with Pluto, which is still totally a planet in my book.

So say we all.

PS. If this post seems ridiculous and slightly irrational I blame Mercury.  I also blame it for me eating too much cheese at lunch. And for the fact that I’m behind on deadlines.  Mercury can be a real dick-nugget sometimes.

186 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Why don’t we just demote Mercury like those sciencey bastards did to Pluto and point and laugh at Mercury for not being a real planet anymore.

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Reasons I’m Going to Marry Brian.

  2. perhaps you’re just mercurial?

  3. Ah, but if it’s Mercury’s fault, is Victor REALLY an asshole? Or is the asshole here Mercury?

  4. dick nugget is my new favorite word. Thanks Jenny.
    ps- Go Pluto!!

  5. This explains so much in my life right now… I’ll go get the dynamite.

  6. Mercury in retrograde. Trump on the ticket. Not sure which is worse.

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted New Advances in Fetal Communication Leaving Scientist Speechless.

  7. Poor Pluto totally got the shaft

    iprobablywontbelieveyou recently posted Ready, Set…..

  8. I JUST wrote about mercury being in retrograde…which is funny because I have no fucking idea what that means.

    Michelle recently posted She Shoots, She Scores.

  9. I’m totally in!!! Mercury in retrograde has it in for me. It is a sneaky bastard going around behind my back and undermining everything I’m trying to accomplish, like college finals and communicating with my children.

  10. The only good Mercury is Freddie. All other Mercury can go fuck itself. I think Freddie would agree.

    RachRiot recently posted How Not To Talk To Your Kids About Sex.

  11. 11
    ocularnervosa

    They’re always saying Mercury is in retrograde and I have no idea what that means. Is Mercury ever in moderngrade or futuregrade?

    ps, Alan Jackson says he’s Crazy bout a Mercury but maybe he’s Crazy because of a Mercury.

  12. 12
    Anonymous

    So say we all. So let it be written. So let it be done.

  13. 13
    Anonymous

    Dick-Nugget…new favorite phrase

  14. this explains a lot… or you know.. that whole “monthly” thing. bah ha ha… whoa… I got double whammied. Not even sure if that is an accurate reference, I hate that show. beep bop boop… AND…AND.. I gave up coffee 3 days ago. TRIPLE WHAMMIED! oh look… a squirrel!

  15. 15
    Beth Bartlett

    Sounds like a plan. We’ll need access to a Chipotle store room, a tiny spacesuit, a wombat and two pairs of sunglasses.

  16. 1000x YES! You know it’s gonna be a helluva day when, after a night of battling panic attacks, first thing in the morning you have to step over a dead squirrel laying in the middle of the sidewalk in front of your office.

  17. 17
    Anonymous

    I’d like to thank you for my reason to procrastinate:) I think I can justify 2 hours to mercury research!

  18. Did you know hatters used to go mad from mercury poisoning routinely because it was used in felting for hat making?

  19. Mercury being in retrograde explains so much. I second your motion to re-instate Pluto as a full planet.

    Hannah, http://www.thecatsandcoffee.com

  20. http://www.inquisitr.com/3053643/astrology-five-planets-retrograde-now/

    Things are EXTRA crazy right now!! <3 Hang in there everyone <3

  21. Mercury is also what made the Mad Hatter mad and not just any old Hatter.

    Janet Coburn recently posted The Obligatory Mothers Day Post.

  22. So far, so good this year with Mercury in Retrograde. Last year is another story: pipe burst in home destroying wood floors and walls and new bathroom tile job and took months to correct (seriously house was torn apart for months destroying our summer), two cars went haywire time and time again, washer quit working, dishwasher quit working, brand new roof was leaking water because it rained for weeks on end. So yeah, fuck Mercury.

  23. 100% percent with you on Pluto still being a planet. Who the hell do those scientists think they are? Casting Pluto out of its planetary family, leaving it estranged and bitter. Heartless.

  24. All this talk of Mercury element and planet made me think of this. Enjoy! http://imgur.com/FI3YTcB

  25. I haven’t slept the past three nights. Could this be why? Help! Please send good sleepy thoughts my way in about 5 hours!

  26. Dick nugget. Oh, yes, I will be using this. A LOT.

  27. Long live Pluto!! 😀

  28. There are FIVE planets in retrograde. That explains a lot.

    susielindau recently posted Dissolving Bone, Wimping Out and Shaping Up.

  29. Mecury is the asshole, it is messing with me right now as well. Let’s get em!

  30. Just so you know, Mars is in retrograde too, and so are three other planets, so you should spread the blame around.

  31. Does anyone have any Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulators?! We could wipe out Mercury real quick!

    E

    quoylette recently posted What?? Twice in one month?!.

  32. On board with killing Mercury. Haven’t been sleeping (and sleeping is my super power) and seriously considered suicide last night (2 a.m.). But I’m ok now. I accidentally forgot one of my meds.

  33. I’m with you. Let’s do it. Maybe Donald Trump might be campaigning on Mercury when we make the hit. Two birds, and all that.

    tonilansbury recently posted Mother’s Day.

  34. Right there with you on this one! SO tired of these mood swings and low grade depression. Time for sunshine and happy drinks for everyone.

  35. Permission to use “dick-nugget” as often as possible. And we could rename Mercury “Neil DeGrasse Tyson,” although the whole Pluto thing wasn’t really his doing.

  36. 36
    Anonymous

    I think I’m in retrograde.

  37. Well, that explains why I didn’t figure out until yesterday why I’ve been so grumpy. (Basically, nicotine withdrawal by accident.)

  38. Oh thank gawd there is an answer for this ridiculousness! I am seriously losing my shit over here. F*CK Mercury!

  39. So say we all!

  40. I’m totally with you………get rid of Mercury asap! It’s been in retrograde toooooo many times lately!!

  41. Dick nugget, snort. Also, I’m so glad for a nice, logical (I think) reason for the bat-shit, ham-sammich-slappin crazy shit that seems to be going on recently. Even my Golden retriever seems glum and that’s like the most anti-Golden retriever thing ever.

    Marianne recently posted El Chapo.

  42. I just painfully got all my old Mercury fillings replaced. I should be a better person now. Less mecurial.

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted Don’t Waste Your Prayers on Turds.

  43. Also, please please please let So Say We All be a BGS reference (and if it isn’t, I’ll just pretend it is anyway)

    (It totally is. ~ Jenny)

  44. And mercurial too.

  45. My guess is Mercury is just needy cause it’s the youngest and closest to Mama sun. As a middle child, I’m rolling my eyes pretty hard core at Mercury right about now.

    annasalibi recently posted Learning the Hard Way.

  46. *BSG. Okay, I’m getting out of here before mercury gets me any more than it already has.

  47. Plus Pluto is such a loveable Disney character. Mercury can just back the fuck off. And anyone who says they can read those glass thermometers is a liar.

    Kelly recently posted I May Temporarily Have Mongoloid Boobs.

  48. Mars and Saturn are both retrograde and that means we have a foot on the gas and a foot on the brake and Mercury has us driving reverse in square patterns.

    Terri Patrick recently posted Renovation.

  49. The best use of “dick-nugget” ever. <3

  50. I hence forth dub you MerCRY!! Started on Saturday and thankfully yesterday afternoon began to lift. As usual I look for reasons in my own life (I must be causing/creating this myself right?!) and then while walking with a friend last night she told me how she was feeling, it duplicated what I was going through, she said Mercury retrograde is happening, and she said her mood started lifting around the same time as mine had. Our reaction to it was uncanny, crisis of confidence, low feeling, the same emotions…We have to remember that our ‘tribe’ picks up the ‘flak’ of the Universe. It is a gift, it is a gift, it is a gift…To be so in tune with Mother Earth and her galatic presence.

  51. 51
    Anonymous

    It also messes with technology, which would explain why I’ve wanted to throw my laptop off the roof at least 5 times in the past 4 hours!!

  52. Mercury retrogrades always screw me up. Having bad fibromyalgia flareup and sleep issues, not sure if related but gives me an excuse to call Mercury a dick nugget and get on board the “let’s blow up Mercury” plan.

  53. Dear Jenny – I know you hear this all the time, but honestly, I just don’t know what I’d do without you. Even when I’m crying at my desk you can make me smile. I cry a lot lately. You’re an enormous comfort to me.

  54. Thanks for explaining this! I, too, have been super up and down (or slightly up and really down) lately. It’s good to have a culprit. I’d totally contribute to crowdfunding the destruction of Mercury and the reinstatement of Pluto.

  55. Is Mercury ever not in retrograde? No one has ever said to me- “Jenna, you are totally kicking ass at life because Mercury is not in retrograde”. I’ve never mentioned feeling oddly fantastic and feeling as if I am doing everything right just have someone say to me – “Oh, don’t worry, it won’t last. Mercury is just not in retrograde right now”. So, yeah, let’s blow that little fucker to bits. I’ll bring the cheese.

  56. 56
    Anonymouse

    If we are going to blow up mercury we need to wait until the retrograde is over since starting new projects during a retrograde is a bad idea. Unless of course you decided to do this awhile ago and didn’t get to. In which case go ahead.

  57. Seriously, Mercury, stop being such a doucheweasel. I’m all for kicking Mercury out and reinstating Pluto. Pluto never fucks with people this way.

  58. I have been such a psycho lately. I had no idea why. I just suspected menopause. So that SOB Mercury is behind it?!? Let’s get him! I’m behind you 100000% Jenny! Let’s blow it up! Lol! (Oh man, gotta cut the caffeine level, just a tad.) 🙂

  59. I love this post. Really? One of my absolute favorites. Here’s a fun thing about mercury: when i was a little girl about 100 years ago, give or take, we could occasionally get our hands on mercury and PLAY with it. It rolled around in our hands and separated into a bunch of tiny balls, then glommed back together in a big ball. Very entertaining. And no one thought it was a problem, as long as we weren’t stupid enough to eat it. My question is, what is this retrograde bullshit? Mercury goes backwards sometimes? Is it something like moon walking? Bwaahaaahaaahaaahaaa!

    katemahar recently posted But how will they enforce it?.

  60. 60
    Anonymous

    “Dick nugget” must be added to Webster’s dictionary like, IMMEDIATELY! 🙂

  61. Can Mercury being in retrograde really explain how I’m feeling? If it affects us all – is that why Trump is a presidential front-runner? Can it be blamed for that?

    Kristin. recently posted Getting bodied..

  62. 62
    Anonymouse

    Scoutnc so glad you re still with us!

    Karen I have fibro too but I’m getting better. Google Dr. Congdon, and watch the documentary at her website. She’s a regular MD and all that and I promise I get nothing out of this except wishing someone had told me about this years ago.

  63. 63
    Heather C-L

    Jenny, I knew Mercury was doing something cause my life is falling apart. I hope I can keep I together until Mercury doe-see-doe’s right outta there. Love you.

  64. Wouldn’t blowing up Mercury throw off the balance of the whole solar system though? I don’t want this shit to get worse, instead of better!

  65. But I like Mercury. When it’s in its 12th house, I get to go to Hogwarts. Still waiting for my letter.

    becomingcliche recently posted What I Learn From My Cat.

  66. Sure. Let’s blow that fucker up. It is really too dangerous not to. It’s a small planet. No one will even miss it.

  67. 67
    CurrerBell789

    Just have to say thank you for posting this, because I have had an emotional roller coaster of a day (thanks Mercury, you dick nugget) and this just made me smile and remember that even during bad days, this blog exists and can always make me laugh.

  68. I’m with you. Let’s blow that thing up. Also, Pluto totally got shafted. If I say “my very energetic mother just served us nine” it makes it sound like my mom is about to shoot a bunch of people. It just doesn’t work! Also, you’re awesome.

  69. 69
    Anonymous

    Well BALLS! I never thought of blaming Mercury when my husband is going through his ‘man period’. Now, whenever he starts his shit, I can say “Time to blow up Mercury”… that, or just play with my boobs. It stops a man dead in his tracks every single time.

    recently posted Speaking Of.

  70. Is Mercury responsible for my first comment being posted as anonymous? I’d say it’s definitely time to blow it up then. LOVE your blog!

  71. May the power be with Pluto.

  72. I wonder what would really happen if Mercury no longer existed. Our orbit may be changed. We could end up all feeling a lot warmer or colder. Either way it’s worth a shot.

    Gary Lum recently posted Monday link love.

  73. I can always tell when Mercury is retrograde….bad things happen and then my horoscope tells me why….and it is always Mercury…so I agree with you..although would more bad things happen if we blew it up..the question for the ages…

    The Hellion recently posted The Women In My Life Lift Me Up….

  74. Dude like 5 effing planets in tetrograde right now. We have til like June 28th before we come out from under the torment of this “phenomenon” more like phenomenal pain in the ass

  75. I meant retrograde. Blame it on Mercury.

  76. Nuke it from its orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
    And that we way also get rid of our nuclear arsenal, so we promote better world peace AND Mercury stops poisoning us!

  77. I’m with you on this! Mercury is mean and spiteful.

    http://queenbajiggles.com/2014/12/planetary-alignment-and-pluto/

  78. Per http://www.iflscience.com/categories/space “a rare transit of Mercury to take place Monday”
    I will hide my thermometers.
    Hey, I have a small metal chicken. Should I hide it there?
    Also, if giant metal chickens are useful guard dogs, there’s a country store in Virginia with a bunch of them. They are in my video here…

  79. 79
    Gribble Girl

    Maybe Mercury is just lonely, and that is why it is being a total arse. It is possibly really sad that we named something poisonous at it, and that even though it gave us Freddie Mercury, people still don’t invite it round for tea and cakes.
    Of course this could be Mercury trying to trick me into thinking this, and that it really is an arse, and that if we invited it round it would pour the tea all over the floor and eat all the cakes.
    I am worried now how I will know whether it is trying to trick me? Are there signs that I can look out for? Arghhhhhhh!!!

  80. So this is handy – Mercury is transiting across the face of the sun in like FIVE DAYS. It’s basically gonna be hanging it out there, saying hey, come and have a go if you think you’re tough enough. NASA are even going to broadcast it live online. You’re never going to get a better chance to take a shot and take that motherfucker out. Science is practically gifting it to you here.

  81. Bwhahahaha! This is an excellent idea.

    morgandrake recently posted May Day May Day.

  82. LOL! Awesome. Oddly enough, Mercury in retrograde is good news for me. Financially. I’m an Aries. So I can’t support any plans to destroy Mercury at this moment, but I will have immense sympathy for all those who are negatively affected. :o) Can I invite anyone for a Marguerita Bonanza? I’ll buy. Please don’t hate me.

    Mrs. Completely recently posted I’VE BEEN VIOLATED!!.

  83. As soon as I saw Mercury in the title, I knew you were gonna fix the Retrograde.

  84. 84
    Mirabella

    Time to break out the Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator?

  85. 85
    Don in Huaco

    Mercury requires you to have heavy mettle.

  86. Hey, it’s our fault Mercury is in retrograde. Because it’s closer to the Sun than we are it sometimes gets ahead of us. Or behind us. What I’m saying is that if Earth could just get its shit together and kick it up into a higher gear we could keep Mercury behind us. Or ahead of us.
    And come on, could you really say no to this guy?

    http://just-write.contentquake.com/files/2008/08/mercury.jpg

  87. Dick nugget is a great term!

  88. 88
    Icelander61

    I think blowing up Mercury would mess with the gravitational pull between the planets disrupting Earth’s orbit , making it farther from the sun. I already endure unreasonably harsh winters and don’t relish them being even colder! That would make me grouchier than I chronically am. I personally like the idea of blaming Mercury in retrograde as it makes my grouchiness completely out of my control and not at all my fault. Thank you Jenny.

  89. 89
    herbertleslie

    I’m in. When do we start building the bomb?

  90. 90
    Anonymous

    This sounds like a job for Marvin the Martian.

  91. Do dick nuggets come with fries and a drink?
    Are they a separate side on the dollar menu?
    Or are dick nuggets just space food for astronauts?

  92. Stupid Mercury! I’ve been up and down with my depression/anxiety and like this explanation and plan.

  93. That bitch is ALWAYS in retrograde. I vote yes on blowing it up. It has got to go!
    By the way at times like this, all retrograde a political campaigny, you really do save my sanity some days. Weird, huh.

  94. 94
    Elizabeth

    This explains why I nearly burned down the house if it hadn’t been for my alert dog, Myron. Turns out you should put water in your Mokka coffee pot and also, dogs can smell burning coffee grounds.

  95. 95
    Anonymous

    Can we blow up Uranus while we are at it? It deserves it for its name alone. I’m so over Uranus jokes.

  96. I’m totally in. Who do we need to talk to at NASA to make this happen? Or wait, is NASA even a thing anymore since they stopped sending up space shuttles….hmm…we may need to get Russia involved.

  97. Dick nugget. Yesssssssss.

    ReallyLoriRose recently posted My site ate my homework..

  98. I’m in. I don’t trust any planet whose day is longer than its year.

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted Night of the zombie spider..

  99. “Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.” Neil Gaimon – Anansi Boys
    This applies to planets, also. When our beloved Sun supernovas, mercury is the first dirt ball to go. That pleases me.

  100. 100
    Anonymous

    This is the writing I love best!! So funny.

  101. If Mercury’s in retrograde doesn’t that mean he got demoted a grade, like in school? If he’s disgraced I want dibs on those fucking AWESOME shoes with wings. Just sayin’.

  102. Mercury in retrograde is a cruel mistress. It’s so bad I tried to read this post like a full three hours ago, and then all this bullshit work arrived on my desk that I had to do. Damn you mercury!

    lifevivified recently posted And Then Calamity and Chaos Ensued.

  103. Moving Pluto to Mercury’s spot would unfortunately also destroy Pluto, since it’s mostly ice and ice and the Sun are kind of like those two relatives of yours (you know the ones) who are perfectly fine sending each other Christmas cards but can’t be in the same room together for more than ten minutes without a meltdown.

    Besides, destroying Mercury and moving Pluto into its place would be sort of like killing your jerk neighbor and moving your friend from Germany into his house. It might be cool living next to your friend from Germany, but your poor friend would be so lost and confused and would probably just want to go back home. This analogy doesn’t work if you live in Germany, so feel free to substitute some other awesome country instead. I suggest New Zealand.

  104. Love this post! Thanks for making me laugh. I had a bad day and I needed a chuckle!

  105. Yeah, I think Mercury is basically the cockroach of the solar system. There’s no real reason for it to exist. It’s just here to bug the shit out of us.

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted May Flowers…I hope….

  106. Out with Mercury. It’s the appendix of the solar system. We don’t need it. It only serves to irritate us and maybe kill us.

    DayLeeFix recently posted Hubs Needs More Vodka for This News.

  107. 107
    Gloria Scheeland

    So say we all!

  108. Is Mercury ever in anterograde?
    It really did nothing for the French Pox either in retrograde or anterograde, in a thermometer, or being coated in the fumes.
    Hermes (Mercury) had cool sandals.

  109. Well I think it makes perfect sense….and maybe that’s my problem too!!

    sms1960 recently posted Four Tips From Seasoned Bloggers.

  110. So say we all.

  111. Fucking mercury is ALWAYS in retrograde (seems like it, anyway).

  112. Freddy Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar……. but they didn’t planet that way….

  113. Mercury in Retrograde? Bah! I say all our nuttiness comes from a clear case of Squirrels in the Doohickey, or SITD. It’s listed in the Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, right next to Bats in the Belfry.

    digbydigz recently posted True Confessions: I Was Held Hostage by a Hypochondriac Dentist.

  114. Twat waffle was my favourite term right until 2 minutes ago…. now I’m looking for a brunch buffet somewhere with nuggets and waffles…. that’s pretty messed up, right?

  115. 115
    Rockcatlady

    @iprobablywon’tbelieveyou – I think Uranus got the shaft. 😂 JK! 😂

  116. I don’t generally go in for astrology, but I’ll happily participate in random explosions for the sake of the community and saving the world and all that. Do you think we can get Bruce Willis on board?

  117. I second the motion. All in favor say “Aye”

  118. 118
    Anonymous

    Oh this explains so much..my stomach and my brain are both trying to kill me.There are some funny as shit people on here ..thanks for the laughs. Jenny so glad you are a nerd kike me. BTW..May the fourth be with you.

  119. Screw Mercury–let’s focus on Uranus. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Like when I taught Grade 9 mythology and we would all kill ourselves laughing about when Uranus was defeated by Zeus.

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 83: Back to Routine, A Present for Not Dying.

  120. My younger son is studying astronomy and physics at UT-Austin. Shall I put him on it? He’ll know where to find Mercury in the first place, and also maybe how to build a thing that will destroy it. Kind of a big assignment for a freshman, but he’s always liked blowing shit up, so he might rise to the occasion.

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted We’ve pulled our home home to work on our house.

  121. Is THAT why my husband is being an asshole and I’m a blubbering hot mess of tears lately? Mercury. You. Suck.

  122. Oh fuck! We have two more of these dick nuggets to endure!!! 😖 Well maybe forewarned we can stop and realize it’s not us-it’s that fucking Mercury.

    In 2016, Mercury will be retrograde during:
    January 5 to 25
    April 28 to May 22
    August 30 to September 22
    December 19 to 31

  123. 123
    Anonymous

    Can we blame Mercury for kidney stones and my allergies being out of control? Because, if so, I’m all in.

  124. ‘Retrograde’ being a defunct and degenerate term like Mercury thermometers and shag carpet, I propose we strike it from all dictionaries and redact the word from all publications, because I like the word ‘redact’ – it makes me look smart, and redacted text looks mysterious and dangerous. Which is retrograde.

    Life is too short to be boring.
    http://etsy.me/1WK04S4

  125. 125
    KatrinaE

    I was just blaming the tequila I had tonight, but clearly Mercury has a hand in my increased craziness!! Also, I agree! If not blown up, Mercury should be demoted and Pluto reinstated!!

  126. Well thank dick sticks that we have Ganesha the breaker of obstacles on our side this year 🐘 I will be chanting my OHM GUM today womanlovewords.blogspot.com

    Karin recently posted ZENNING.

  127. The struggle is real?

  128. I hate to tell you this Jenny, but Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn AND your beloved Pluto are all in retrograde right now. How are any of us supposed to survive when FIVE planets are trying to kill us at the same time? scurrying back under my foil blanket & slurping my rum slushie now

  129. #TeamFreddieMercury #TeamPlutoIsARealPlanet #TeamCapANDIronManBecauseIHaventSeenTheMovieYetandIJustDontKnow #TeamTheBloggessTribe #TeamImAllAboutJoiningTeamsTodayItSeems #TeamBlowUpTheplanetoidMercuryCuzWereSickOfItsRetrogradeHissyFits #TeamDickWhatWasItDickNippleDickJizzDickCheneyDickNuggettYupThatsTheTicketAlthoughIReallyWantTwatJuiceToCatchOnBecauseGROSS #TeamIveHadTwoLargeGlassesOfBoxedWineAndIDunnoWhatImTypingAnymore #TeamIGottaGoToBed #TeamStaySafeYall

    emelle28 recently posted No, I wasn't "planning" on blogging today.

  130. Oh, shit, I forgot #TeamBSG because DUH!

  131. The one exception to the Mercury is evil thing? Freddie Mercury. Brilliant. Of course, he has passed on, sadly, so all that’s left is the two evil faces of Mercury . . . so bombs away, baby!

  132. I believe in mercury in retrograde causing issues, things just seem not quite right. It’ affecting my sleep. Even if it’s not true, it’s nice to be able to blame anxiety and depression on something else for a few days or so.

  133. 133
    Ashleigh

    Not really really related, but you said ‘so say we all’ and it reminded me of one of my favorite sci-fi shows (because literally the last thing I did before reading this post was finish binge watching it). Have you seen Dollhouse? It’s SUPER weird, but it’s Joss Whedon and I love it and if you’re ok with dark (which Battlestar is in my book), you might love it. So maybe you will enjoy it or something? Get back to me…… jk just enjoy.

  134. Mercury in retrograde messed up my life AGAIN so yeah let’s do it.

  135. 135
    Georgia N.

    Brilliant! Neil Degrasse Tyson and I would love to see Mercury replaced by a cartoon dog.

  136. My son’s middle name is Mercury. He’s adorable plus really funny. So I say there are some good Mercury’s up in here.

  137. I’m blaming Mercury for my the awful itch that is coming from my scar.

    Ronnie recently posted I'm fixed?.

  138. You guys are all nuts. Did it ever occur to you that MARS is the planet of war and strife — and that just maybe this is a plot by the Martians to make Mercury look bad? I’m going to go put on my foil helmet and contemplate this matter further.

  139. I just read that Pluto is in retrograde now, too, so…might want to hold off on having it replace Mercury.

  140. 140
    Anonymous

    I too, love to blame the universe for all of my crazy. I read that 5 planets are in retrograde right now! Retrograde means the planets are appearing to go backwards but they really are not! For God’s sake, what are us crazies supposed to do?

  141. I’m with you 100%!! Mercury is the problem. Mercury is all the problems. In fact, I basically wrote this exact same blog entry a few months ago….
    http://mynameiskristine.com/2016/01/17/a-lil-bit-o-woo-woo/

  142. So you’re saying you want to build a death star?
    Did you know that they’ve found a ginormous planet that is too far away for telescopes to actually see? I propose that the new planet be named Pluto and that our dwarf planet Pluto becomes the avatar of the larger planet. That way everyone wins. 🙂

  143. So Mercury is the cause of this unusually hilly roller coaster lately? You know, those old fashioned thermometers didn’t just go in your mouth. So I feel justified when I say that Mercury is an asshole!

  144. 144
    Michele H.

    Please use the term “dick-nugget” a few more times…I want to make sure that I don’t forget that one. I can just hear me yelling that at my husband…LOL.

  145. I just shared “dick nugget” with the husband. He just looked at me funny.

  146. 146
    Solstice

    My mood has been all over the place, I have the cold from hell, and my job has turned into unending ass-hattery.. If this can all be blamed on a planet (and I see no reason why not), then yes, let’s kick the crap out of Mercury.

    Also, I was just waxing nostalgic about when I was a kid and my mom would give me mercury (the stuff, not the planet…obviously) to play with. Then I thought that must mean I’m really old because we’ve known that stuff was poisonous for a really long time, right? So I looked it up and it turns out I’m not that old and everyone knew about it being poisonous long before I was a kid. So, my mom was just trying to kill me, apparently. Awesome.

  147. I agree. Blow it up just to be sure.

    Wolf of Words recently posted Media Update 5/5/2016.

  148. Of course Mercury is trying to kill us all: it’s his job to take our souls to the afterlife! Obviously, he wants to get it over with as quickly as possible, so he can go hit on some nymphs/dryads/goddesses/whoever-else-is-left.

    BTW, don’t drop your guard too much around Pluto, either: he’s the one Mercury is taking us to see.

  149. 149
    Ray Grant

    Check out Bloc Party’s “Mercury” – I think they agree with you.

  150. Every time that damn little cinder goes into retrograde, all I want to do is sleep. So I dreamed last night I should call in sick today. I didn’t. I should have. Damn the God with the quicksilver rod! (OK that sounds kind of kinky, but whatevs)

    kegbot1 recently posted Vitamin Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

  151. So true!! Mercury is the reason I have pretty much no memory whatsoever because when I was sick as a kid I accidentally bit down on a thermometer and swallowed a bunch of Mercury so now I don’t know what happened 5 minutes ago. It’s a struggle. Also, the retrogradingness is causing a serious lack of humor or motivation to be a person and I haven’t left my apartment in a while which is making people worry. The other day, I got a call from the local police station because my neighbors thought I died.

    White Girls Be Like recently posted I Like Pina Coladas And Pretending To Be Sane.

  152. Stupid Mercury.

    Catherine recently posted Tasting the Sky: A Palestinian Childhood by Ibtisam Barakat.

  153. It sounds completely legit. As a spiritual person, Mercury in Retrograde has completely fucked up my life. It deserves to be punted in a glorious explosion of fireworks from our solar system. Like Pluto. Pluto was obviously an asshole. And no one talks about Pluto in retrograde anymore do they? Coincidence? I think not.

  154. I’ve always thought Victor was the problem, Victor and Mercury, maybe VicMer! That makes sense.

    lbeth1950 recently posted Woo! Woo! Cousin Wayne!.

  155. Yes I totally agree. I’ve been very depressed lately. I just quit my job, that I hated by the way, to finish graduate school. So have kinda felt like I have no purpose. So I’m with you on blowing up Mars!

  156. 156
    Anonymous

    Seriously, I try to avoid signing anything or making non-refundable purchases during “Mercury in retrograde” time periods because, even though some people think it sounds crazy, THIS PLANET IS NOT FUCKING AROUND. It has screwed up all kinds of things for me in the past.

  157. I love you. You make my day.

  158. Wide awake at 1:30 am. This laugh was exactly what I needed!

    Nomads By Nature recently posted You Know You’re In A Hunting Culture When…..

  159. I mean…I’ve seen weirder things on change.org petitions. I say go for it. 🙂

    hazelhillboro recently posted My Profane and Wise Friend Once Said….

  160. 160
    Anonymous

    I blame Mercury for all the kids who act up at the end of tge school year! And for Trump! Yep, definitely for Trump!

  161. 161
    Frazzled Teacher

    I blame Mercury for all the kids who act up at the end of tge school year! And for Trump! Yep, decfinitely for Trump!

  162. 162
    Frazzled Teacher

    I also blame Mercury for my confusion about how to post things and for the spelling mistakes contained in my last post!

  163. 163
    Anonymous

    Check this out. Mercury is a dirthy rottwn bastard who won’t go home! It is also going to come back too often in 2016.
    http://www.astrologyhoroscopereadings.com/mobile/mobile-2016-mercury-retrograde-calendar.html

  164. Check this out, Mercury is a dirty rotten bastard who won’t go home! It is also coming back too many times in 2016! Fuck Mercury!
    http://www.astrologyhoroscopereadings.com/mobile/mobile-2016-mercury-retrograde-calendar.html

  165. So I don’t know if I should feel comforted that I am in good company about this Mercury Retrograde thing or scare shitless because it’s probably true. My pay-the-bills-when-I’m-not writing novels/blogging- job is teaching middle school Science so I now I have a new angle to teaching this whole retrograde thing, so I guess I win. Except I don’t, because my students as well as my own children have been crazy lately. Plus, if Mercury is poisoning us it could be what initiates the zombie apocalypse and then we’re all in trouble. I don’t want to live in an underground bunker. I like sunlight. So now I know I’ve had one too many glasses of wine and I probably need another dose of Zoloft to ease the anxiety. Thanks Mercury!

  166. 166
    Niki Cooper

    Watchers by Dean Koontz & The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. Tear up every time but so worth it.

  167. I usually blame the moon for moods going wacky, and now I feel the need to go an apologize to it because this entire time it has been Mercury. But to be fair the moon does fucked with all sorts of other things like tides and stuff. Still I feel bad. So sorry moon and fucked you Mercury!

  168. My grandfather (miss him) was concerned that because I could get a weather forecast on my smart phone that there was mercury in it. Had to explain it to him that there was none that I was aware of.

    Dann Alexander recently posted Pictou County Pizza.

  169. Iron-clad proof of your theory: I have also been feeling gumpy lately. (Yes, I meant to type gumpy, not grumpy or gummy like my computer keeps trying to tell me. Gumpy. Like I don’t even have the energy to be grumpy and, well, maybe my brain is a little gummy. I blame Mercury! And mercury!)

  170. Seeing as how I spent last night crying because I thought my dog was dying when in fact he was just sleeping, I think this is valid. I’m in.

    Awkwardly Alive recently posted Thanks a lot, weird genetics..

  171. 171
    Catherine

    You had me at “So say we all.”

  172. I’m a recent follower— you’re into astrology?!!? tell us your signs please.

    (Capricorn. Year of the Ox. But I don’t really put any faith into it. ~ Jenny)

    margecake recently posted The Difference Between Living in San Francisco Bay and New York City.

  173. so I’m gonna come to bat for Hermes here (Romans called him Mercury). I mean sure, he’s a trickster and all, and kind of douche sometimes. but that’s because so many of the gods treat him poorly. he’s just at the bottom of the totem pole here, trying to get by like any else of us. 😛

    James the Greatest recently posted “let their tiny feathers fill disappointment”.

  174. Just found out we get to come see you at our library’s OutLoud series in July. It made my day, so from where I’m standing, you totally just blew up Mercury. You rock, Jenny!

  175. Pluto is totally still a planet to me. And dick-nugget may be my new favorite phrase.

  176. I just read last night that Mercury is trying to eclipse the sun on Monday, 05/09. Um, hello. Even the paper called it an eclipse fail and said nice try Mercury. But Mercury will do it anyway cause Mercury apparently has an attitude and isn’t even aware that only covers .007th of the sun. You almost have to admire that chutzpah if Mercury weren’t so tricky and trying to blind us all by getting us to look for the tiny eclipse dot. Well played, Mercury, well played.

  177. […] at least a running mate? We need some science in here NOW! (Especially the city.) I’m with Jenny Lawson … I am SO SICK of Mercury in being in retrograde. Communication,  writing, business stuff, […]

  178. 178
    marypurdyhere

    Oh, Mercury, you devilish planet, you. Don’t you know by now how to stay OUT of retrograde? How many times do I have to tell you?!

  179. […] they thought the Earth was the center of the universe. So Mercury is never really in retrograde and we don’t need to destroy it. Because of its small size and proximity to the sun Mercury is usually hard to spot as it stays […]

  180. Well, I think Victor is just being smug—that’s what the world gets for once AGAIN naming two things with the same word—make up our minds already, is it a planet or an element? And we’re supposed to keep these things straight? How can we be expected to do that if Mercury is in retrograde? 🙂

  181. Gatorade

  182. Don’t forget mercurochrome. The mercury ointment my mum used to use for our infected grazes. Left you with a red stain for weeks. We still have a bottle of the stuff from the 1970s where the mercury has separated from the other gunk in the bottle. Mum’s still happy to use it on us kids – “Nothing wrong with it”.

    So mercury basically turns you into a hoarding well intentioned hippie recycling chemist. And a mother with the ability to top her kids if she wants to push the envelope beyond a smear of the red ochre.

    Bad shit.

    myweirdbrainblog recently posted Jenny The Spunk or the Spunk Who Loved Me (Not Really Though).

  183. http://www.ismercuryinretrograde.com
    I found this and thought of you! Now you can instantly know who is responsible for your bad moods and craziness.

  184. lost my shit at DICK NUGGET! LOL. that is all.

    Love your work Jenny 🙂

  185. can i comment on this like two years too late? because IM GONNA if the internet will let me.

    so i recently learned the words to the elements song, because i’m a stubborn motherfucker and i woke up one day and decided i wanted to have this particular supernerd skill, and GUESS WHAT it’s amazing and i love it and i’m fucking proud of myself; but now that i’ve done it i can’t share the joy of mastering it because what kind of weirdo strolls into work all ‘GUESS WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND. I LEARNED ALL THE NAMES OF THE ELEMENTS IN SONG FORMAT SO DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT CHALLENGING ME TO A CHEMISTRY QUIZ BITCHES.’

    so anyway i found this post and because my brain is stupid i started to doubt the fact that mercury was an element, so in order to prove it to myself i sang the whole damn song until i got to the line that mentioned mercury and was like OH THANK GOD. or hod, if you believe my fat text fingers.

    so. thanks for letting me humblebrag about my recently-acquired skill. thanks to hod for all.

  186. […] may not serve because my brain seems to be filled with more air than substance lately), it was “Let’s Destroy Mercury” by Jenny Lawson on her blog, The Bloggess, that caught my attention. How do I remember this and […]

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