So I’ve been super up and down mentally lately and I’m not sure why, but usually when I’m this crazy people tell me it’s because Mercury is in retrograde (and it totally is right now), so my suggestion is that we just blow up Mercury.
I realize this might seem like a radical move but that’s the sort of extreme shit that happens whenever Mercury goes into retrograde, so basically Mercury brought this on itself. And I’m not victim-blaming or anything, but I did just google “how does Mercury affect the human body” and turns out people die of mercury poisoning all the fucking time. So basically it’s us or Mercury and I think this counts as self-defense. Victor says that I’ve confused mercury (the element) with Mercury (the planet) and that’s possible but I’m not listening to him because Victor can be a real asshole whenever Mercury starts going into retrograde and at this point I suspect he’s being controlled by it. It’s like he’s Patty Hearst and Mercury has a loaded gun and lots of charisma.
Also, I suspect that poisonous mercury comes from Mercury because why else would it be named that? The only good thing about mercury is that it’s used inside old-fashioned glass thermometers, but even then it’s only helpful if you’re already sick. Plus, you have to put it in your mouth for it to work and it’s poisonous. I’m pretty sure this is a sign that Mercury is trying to kill us all, starting with the weak and already sick. I call shenanigans. Let’s blow up Mercury and replace it with Pluto, which is still totally a planet in my book.
So say we all.
PS. If this post seems ridiculous and slightly irrational I blame Mercury. I also blame it for me eating too much cheese at lunch. And for the fact that I’m behind on deadlines. Mercury can be a real dick-nugget sometimes.