I will do anything. But I won’t do that.

Earlier this year there was an internet  thing where you ask google to auto-predict what you need and what you have, and it did not work out well for me:

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.24.48 AM

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.24.40 AMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.24.32 AM

THANKS, GOOGLE.

But I decided to give it another chance because there’s a new thing where people are googling their name and the word “likes” to see what Google thinks you like and I thought that might give me something less unsettling.

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Ah.  So, never mind then.

198 thoughts on “I will do anything. But I won’t do that.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Apparently, Justin has a limited range of motion and Justin doesn’t like anything, unless the Justin is followed by Bieber or Timberlake. Good thing I’m equally as hot and obnoxious as the Beeb.

    On a similar note, the internet f@cking creeps me out these days. It knows way too much about me and my celebrity-pursuing lifestyle…

  2. Fuck you and your shitty outlook, Google. You’ve only been at this less than 20 years and you still have a ways until your gold watch and bad cake at your retirement party. I suggest you check the ‘tude, dude.

  3. So what piece of taxidermy do you need the $16k for that you’ve not told Victor about?

  4. Apparently Madison has heart and an annuity that pays 9003. But apparently Madison needs a kidney. And Madison likes nothing.

    I have plenty of heart but am without a kidney. That’s a problem.

  5. Jessica has a mass of 55kg. Jessica needs Facebook.

    Jessica likes gfriend, yoonsic, and onew. But I… I don’t know what any of those are.

  6. So, I tried Julee, which is my nickname and nothing. So I went with Julia my actual name. Julia has two lovers. Julia needs a bath. (Probably because of the two lovers) And, Julia likes in this order: cats, frogs, metal and making out. (Again-two lovers).

  7. That is awesome. Mine? Michelle needs to drop a few, lose a few, help, and help snopes. I also have a baby by who? And the right to bear arms. I also smell like cocoa butter and I want to be Beyonce. I also love Lipsy and I feel so good.

  8. Karen likes harvest moon. I enjoy the occasional Blue Moon brew. I guess that I could drink one while looking at the harvest moon. Come on over and we can roll your yarn into balls while having a beer.

  9. I apparently need a hobby…
    I am too scared to ask what hobby I should take up….

  10. It seems Don likes to make shit real and becomes “likes don’t save lives”. Google thinks I’m very negative and not even a person.

  11. Hahaha! me:
    “Lisa likes Millhouse
    Lisa likes Nelson episode
    Lisa likes you know whatever”

    Yea, that sounds about right.

  12. So google will change Sara to Sarah when using the “needs”:
    Sarah needs to bake a cake (I really don’t. I’ll eat it all.)
    Sarah needs a job. (I really do. It’s stressing me out!)

    But it did not add the ‘h’ with the likes:
    Sara likes coffee. (It’s hilarious because it took me 35 years but I really do love it now!)

  13. Lacey has it and Lacey wants to help. But apparently I don’t like or need anything! The perils of an uncommon name…

  14. Hmm. Tonya needs a kidney.Tonya has a rectangular rug with an area of 21 square feet. Tonya likes to read, go to the beach, and spend time with her family.

  15. Hi, I’m Trish, and I apparently neither need nor like anything, but I do have a jug of contaminated water. Seems to me I should probably need some penicillin then. Also I am very confused.

  16. Shayne doesn’t need, want or like anything. However, someone named Shayne Ward is dropping a new album soon. I think. That jerk stole my needs, wants and likes, so I’m not researching him/her anymore. It’s probably a him. Just to rub salt in the wound.

  17. Amy needs a shower and a seat. A shower seat? Amy has a baby and an intense fear of injections….then how’d I get the baby. Hehehe….injections.

  18. I refuse to put in Ellen likes or Ellen is because I know it will come up with girls or a lesbian. And while I am all about gay rights, I’m a straight ally. When you can predict the predictive text, it kind of defeats the purpose 🙂

  19. Apparently I don’t need anything (which is likely true) but I do need to improve your cardiorespiratory (and therefore mine in the process?)

  20. Mimi needs a lung, life is tough for people with my name
    needs a lawyer
    needs mutt militia (wow what the hell)

  21. I only got one item: cats. Lindsay likes cats. Well, Google’s not wrong, but I feel like that’s a lazy guess since most of the internet seems to like cats. Oh, and if I was Lindsay Lohan, I would need help. But I’m not, so apparently I don’t need anything.

  22. Sarah likes coffee. Well, duh, Google. It is 7 am and my plan is to not murder any of my coworkers today.
    On the other hand: Sarah likes to run. Nope, Google. Just nope.

  23. truth.
    heather likes
    heather likes food
    heather likes food ham and swiss sliders
    heather likes food coffee cake in a mug
    heather likes food chicken tortilla soup

  24. Apparently, I need to have my car towed. I also need a kidney and I have 7 quarts of juice with me (presumably for my bad kidney because it’s good to flush that kind of dead thing out). Google has also told me that I like wearing colourful clothes which will help attract the tow truck driver to my broken down car as I languish by the side of the road. But, hot damn, I will look good.

    I think what Google is trying to tell me is that because I have a bad car and a bad kidney, I may as well be buried in my colourful clothes while mourners drink 7 quarts of juice at my wake. I mean, 7 quarts of juice is no good to me if I am dead from a bad kidney so the mourners at my wake may as well enjoy it. Hopefully, it is orange or apple juice and not prune juice because who wants to drink prune juice at a wake? Duh, Google.

  25. Heather likes food
    Heather likes food ham and swiss sliders
    Heather likes food coffee cake in a cup
    Heather likes food bbq chicken

    Fair enough Google.
    (I swear I didn’t add the food part – Google did that all on its own.)

  26. Google assumes I need nothing, but it was happy to inform me that “Kay has 325 beads.” Perhaps need to get your yarn and my beads together.

  27. LOL I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought of Meatloaf. (Dang you, Jenny, now I’ve got that song in my head…)

    “whatwouldgilliesdo | August 24, 2016 at 7:52 am
    Well, when you use Meatloaf lyrics, you kind of ask for it. Google “Meatloaf is” and watch the hilarity ensue!”

  28. Terri likes to put her head in the sand.
    I supposed that’s slightly better than if it had said ” Terri’s got her head up her ass.”
    In truth I like my feet in the sand. Arguing with the Internet is exhausting. Maybe I’m just putting my head in the sand after all…

  29. Hahahahahaha. Well, I tried it and it brings up nothing at all. Apparently, Google has no opinion about me whatsoever.

  30. Katrina needs 3/5 kilograms of flour
    Katrina needs a buff (o.O)
    Katrina has a wheat business
    I don’t like anything apparently.

    I like this game!

  31. Dangit- you earwormed me again-

    I got Shawn likes Topanga(which is an incorrect spelling of my birds name- his name is Tango)
    Shawn likes cookies
    Shawn Mendes likes and dislikes( and I don’t always Mendes likes and dislikes, but when I do, Aye fixe them in Myddle englysh)

  32. Gawd! Mine said I need to die!! On the plus side…..because I’m with The Viking I get to go to Valhalla…..as long as I die with a weapon in my hand. NOTE TO SELF: Find your Battle Axe and keep it handy.

  33. Well, I have three types of nuts but only two suitcases. How can I store my nuts properly? (Being a girl, I assume these are almonds, peanuts, and cashews.)

  34. btw it says I like blood, 225, [blank?, space???], and blood achievements. I don’t even understand the last three.

    I need to gather information about careers and 50 candy bars lol.

    I need a ladder and a date : /

    I have no arms, no arms joke, 3 pieces of materials and a red dress lol

    Really liking yarn isn’t so bad : D.

  35. The only thing that came up: Nate needs help

    Well, thanks for that google, I’ll have you know I’ve had help lol.

    Nate has… an hour to phil [what?]
    …an account that pays 2.76 [2.76 what? if it’s % that’s pretty good these days and I’ll take one of those, but if it’s like peanuts, that’s not such a great deal]

    Nate likes…to battle
    …to skate

    Holy shit, it got one right, but sadly I can’t do it anymore sadface

  36. I’m never doing that again! It said, “Lori needs to die!” I’m going back to bed!

  37. Mine didn’t fare much better. Apparently I like Milhouse, I want some time alone and a pony and I have 750 friends on Facebook and also a crush on Butters

  38. Well, I got: Judy has a seizure; Judy has a seizure part 2; and Judy has a seizure part 3. Bit ominous, that. Oh, and “Judy likes to line dance,” which is probably why I had a seizure.

  39. I know better than to try and look things up about myself on the internet… or things that might be about myself on the internet.

    To misquote one of my favorite movies.

    “On second thought, let’s not go to the internet. Tis a silly place.”

  40. Apparently…
    Stacy needs a ladder (that’s what Manolo’s are for bitch!)
    Stacy has:
    six marbles in a bag
    the owl
    to be the life of the party quizlet
    an imaginary friend mindy
    it going on (TRUE DAT GOOGLE)

    PS: Mindy shares that she is actually the life of the party but she lets me think otherwise

  41. Bianca likes to write. Okay?
    Tune factory Bianca likes. Uh wtf?
    Who likes Bianca in taming of the shrew. Clearly not Google.

  42. Julie needs a kidney. Julie Chen needs a stylist. (ooooh Julie Chen – poor thing!)
    Julie has an ectomorph body type, a fear of riding in elevators, and a gun not a perfume.
    But wait……. Julie likes stuff (soooo true – all that stuff – I really do like it), and to rock line dance, and Julie LOVES Mac Facebook (I think that he is Max Headrooms cousin)

  43. Google told me jackie like authors. True! . I do like many.
    Then it listed jackie needs a black eye. False! Unless it was talking about peas.

  44. Andrea likes art
    Andrea likes pugs
    Andrea has 37 coins
    Andrea has a needle phobia
    Andrea needs to find a kennel for boarding
    Andrea needs to die
    Really?? Art yes, pugs not really, coins probably, needle phobia no, kennel no, die?? Google is mean….

  45. Saffron apparently needs nothing.

    Saffron has:
    an expiry date
    no taste
    Hasselback potatoes

  46. I’m a lumberjack who likes to party and just had one. Does this mean I don’t care? (Apologies for the earworm.)

  47. I had far fewer choices than you. It seems I have a pig on my head but I need a new liver! Yikes! However, the final one redeemed itself and Laurie likes books. Which Laurie does indeed.

  48. I tried both Elizabeth and Beth, and I can’t even tell you what Beth wants because she’s a little bit power hungry and homicidal and if anything bad happens to some Beth’s parents or brother I don’t want to be implicated. I LOVE my family and would never hurt any of them. Just for the record.

  49. Google likes you better than me.

    Andrea needs…to die
    Andrea has…been diagnosed with schizophrenia
    Andrea likes…nobody likes Andrea

  50. There’s a blog called “Heather Likes Food,” which kind of ruins the Google poem for all the other Heathers out there. Oh, I’ve got one! “Heather is…bitter.”

  51. Ok, Google changes “Heidi needs” to “secret needs Heidi”, which is apparently some porn thing. Just for the record, that is not me! I just spent a few minutes typing in various other items Heidi needs so the Google automatrons will know that there is more to the various Heidis in the world. “Heidi needs to go kayaking”. “Heidi needs a glass of wine”. Heidi needs time in a bottle”.
    Get with is Google!

  52. Caroline has babies, possibly twins (um, negatory) and Caroline both likes Stefan and has feelings for Stefan (sorry, Stefan, but I have no clue who you are). I have learned a lot of false information about myself!

  53. Monica needs barking and Dagenham.
    Monica is pregnant and needs training.
    Monica wants it. Well, no wonder she’s pregnant and in need of training. Little slut. I’m getting the impression Monica is a bitch, as in a female dog. Not sure what Dagenham means in dog language.

  54. Monica needs barking and Dagenham.
    Monica is pregnant and needs training.
    Monica wants it. Well, no wonder she’s pregnant and in need of training. Little slut. I’m getting the impression Monica is a bitch, as in a female dog. Not sure what Dagenham means in dog language.

  55. Emily has “cancer”
    ” needs “stem cells”
    and needs a “job”
    (Presumably to pay for the stem cells.)
    But fear not, because I still apparently
    Like to “play,” “watch TV,” and “bounce.” (True, very true, and… no comment.)

  56. Sharon has a carton of quilting notions, so maybe we should get together with your yarn and make something crafty. But nothing expensive, because I apparently have exactly six quarters. Oh, and I have died.

  57. BRB, developing farting as a revenue stream. MOVE OVER, TONY ROBBINS! I’ve got seventeen pounds of raw broccoli, a finicky colon and a WILL TO SUCCEED.

  58. Apparently, I have 22 coins, a son, and a bacterial infection with inflammation. And I have decided to raise rabbits.

  59. Sharon needs 64 credits to graduate and a liver. But apparently Sharon doesn’t like anything– google is drawing a blank.

  60. Alas, this continues the trend of my life. I again cannot participate in name games… Google has no suggestions for Sky likes, Sky has, or Sky needs. Sigh.

  61. Jen has a pizza problem. (there are no problems with pizza, am I right? – unless you mean a problem where Jen eats TOO much pizza – and then, well yeah.. I do have a problem.

    I also need a browser.

    The Google doesn’t disappoint.

  62. Hmm. I put in “Alison likes” and the first hit is “Alison loves to bake” Which is true…

  63. I mean, I get how you guys feel misunderstood and I’m sad for you, but my name is so apparently freakish that I don’t get ANYTHING at all. Thanks Google for pointing out that I’m a nobody. Jerk.

  64. Who’s Nate? Google is just weird.
    I got:

    Kelly likes shoes
    Kelly likes shoes lyrics
    Kelly likes to diet
    Kelly likes shoes muffins

    I can’t even.

  65. My Google is broken, or “Caitlin needs/wants/has” prompts nothing. Oh, except “Caitlin has a movie rental card.” Weird.

  66. So…. I played the Google game, and as it turns out, I don’t like anything at all…. It seriously didn’t show anything. (I used “Nikki” since that’s what friends/family call me.)

  67. Mary needs meds- yep, but having Google know that is a little disconcerting!!
    Mary needs a savings plan- F-you Google!! I don’t need you telling me I spend too much!!
    Mary likes to do this- to do what? I guess to be crazy and to spend money

  68. Apparently the years of second hand smoke have caught up to me. I need new lungs. Guess the new cathedral I want is going to come in handy if I don’t get the lungs.

  69. I entered “Troy thinks”… and got NOTHIN’.
    (Apparently my name is too weird, as it only gets references to either the character from Community or from Stranger Things. Oh yeah, apparently I peed myself.)

  70. According to Google, I need a nap, followed by an ammo gif, a cigarette and a nap on the beach.
    And I don’t like anything, but Google thinks I love olives.

    Because who DOESN’T love olives? Unless of course you’re allergic and then I’m so, so sorry you’re denied their somewhat meaty, salty, olive-y goodness.

  71. The internets just told me I need to lose weight. Also, I like to pop bubbles. So, I guess that evens out? On the plus side, I don’t usually use google, I use goodsearch.com (it donates 1 cent to a charity of your choice for every search you do), so google can just go tell other people to lose weight.

  72. Google still doesn’t know I exist. That’s probably a good thing.

    Yarn is also a good thing…

  73. Apparently Google has decided to be a little less overt about things. Jill needs to cut a smaller slice. Are you saying I’m fat, Google? And apparently I still need Jack, which is kind of sexist, unless I leave it lower case, which is more empowering: Jill needs jack. I’m going with that one.

  74. So, I tried the “needs” one (because I am always the last one to try shit) and Google was all “Jill needs to cut a smaller piece” – RIGHT after I’d eaten my second chubby-girl brownie slice! Fuck. Just when ya think nobody’s watching.

  75. All of the Mary Beths in the world are flying completely under the radar. Either we are all notoriously straight arrows/boring milk toasts or our name is a sort of invisibility cloak that will ultimately allow us to take over the world. Time will tell…

  76. Melissa needs to chill (Google knows me well…); Melissa has a bag of marbles (or maybe not so well…unless the implication is that I lost them…then touché, Google); Melissa likes chocolate chip cookies. Duh.

  77. Jenny needs a massage AND a g-string, eh? Sounds like a relatively decent day to me. Especially if you get that $16,000 you need to borrow.

  78. OMG….
    Jennifer likes Omaha
    Jennifer likes to poop at parties
    Jennifer likes photography
    2 out of 3 ain’t bad, and I’ve never been to Nebraska!

  79. Google is run by aliens, and I wish everyone’s comment section had this little “include a link to your latest blog post” checkbox.

  80. Based on the Jennys I know, we DO like yarn.
    This Jenny needs a “like” button that would work without a wordpress account. Apparently I must continue to need without solution.
    If I could have likes, I would have clicked it many many times, but especially on Elaine’s comment:
    “Well, I have three types of nuts but only two suitcases. How can I store my nuts properly?” which made me unreasonably happy for some reason.

  81. Apparently my only need is to die….I’m going to assume it has to do with Lori Grimes from The Walking Dead.

    Lori needs….

    Lori needs to die.

  82. Mine for KK came up stiller kkhath which either means I really confuse Google or that’s my alien name. Or I like Ben Stiller, which is totally untrue. Ew.

  83. Lee likes bikes. Hmm. They are OK but I am more of a hiker than a biker.

    I’m thinking Nate will have to be the name of your next taxidermy acquisition.

  84. I have cancer and a baby.
    I like to share.

    Anyone who wants some cancer and all or some of a baby, text me. I’ll happily share!

  85. So Google says I like coffee. That’s pretty spot on. Actually this morning I was thinking I could make a fortune making a coffe blend that is dark and bold and laced with Xanax. It’s a fucking great idea. And my self diagnosed contagious anxiety syndrome that I gave myself this week because my anxiety disorder was magnified thanks to the shitty attitudes of everyone around me could seriously benefit from something like that.

  86. Apparently, the only way to get a comment after my name is to say, “Carolyn is a…” Answer: werewolf! This explains so much. Then, suddenly I realized this was a Dark Shadows reference and I watched every episode after elementary school every day! Thank you, Carolyn Stoddard! I am so very proud to be in your pack.

  87. Never ever Google Hannah!
    Hannah likes to microwave butterflies
    Hannah has a ho-phase
    Hannah needs to pee
    Wtf Hannah get it together
    Ps Hannah’s my given name Bella’s a nickname.

  88. Apparently, Louise needs a home (cause I’m a cat), Louise needs to learn martial arts (but cats don’t need to know martial arts!), Louise needs to exercise some empathy (probably true!), and the legend of Louise needs to be heard again (I’d like to hear it for the first time, myself!). Louise wants to have sex with Saito (who?), Louise Wants You! And Louise wants to sleep with Ruby. So Louise is a sex fiend, and will do it with anyone. Sounds about right.

  89. Laura likes to pop bubbles and Laura likes wine, so I think Google knows me pretty well. However, Laura needs help, to lose weight, and an independent social worker, so Google is kind of an asshole, too.

  90. My “needs” one was entertaining…apparently, Leslie needs “324 inches of fringe”

  91. I apparently like fire. And I have a baby, and I need a shower. Google, you know me so well, in a not-at-all way. Well, except for the fire thing.

  92. Mine is:

    Laurie needs a new liver.
    Laurie has a pig on her head.
    Laurie likes books.

    One out of three isn’t bad! LOL!

  93. Mine is:
    Laurie needs a new liver.
    Laurie has a pig on her head.
    Laurie likes books.
    One of those is true!;-)

  94. So I searched “Danielle needs” and “Danielle needs a” with no results, but when I typed in “Danielle likes” I get “Danielle likes poop” What?! Really?! Of all the things?! LOL!!!

  95. Apparently Macca has no wants, likes or needs. Yay?

    I do however have shivling, whatever that is. I also have no shadow. Lucky me.

  96. Rachael needs a vacation.
    Rachael has a baby.
    Rachael likes Joey.

    First two were right so I tried it with “wants” and apparently I want to be a bkack woman . . . I don’t know, never really thought about it.

  97. Oh yeah Google doesn’t get me at all – especially since my name (Dea) is also the acronym for an unpopular government agency as well as the first three letters of “dead.” ” Dea likes ” got me “dead like me.” brings up memories of an early sit orca program that always corrected my email signature to Dead as in ‘thanks, Dead.

  98. Mine come back with an inappropriate series of dead animals. (to slaughter cattle, to watch pets die, to eat farm “pets”). My day is ruined, I tell you.

  99. Who wants to bet that “Jenny has a gun” is a prim&proper person helping someone look for “Janie’s got a gun” by Aerosmith.

  100. Oh gosh, I remember that post. Google is not being the least bit nice.

    I just tried it, and let me say that Taylor Swift has butchered my name. I wrote, “Taylor needs” and Google added, “Calvin’s rozes and love.” Jeez.

  101. I got Kelly likes shoes(which I do) and likes to diet. Google also thinks I have money to invest, a baby, and cheesy potatoes. Google doesn’t really know me at all.

  102. I save up all of your new posts & read them on my Friday afternoons. You make my 3PM slump a lot more tolerable. Thank you for that!

  103. Apparently google thinks I have a baby and like to go ice fishing. Neither are true but it could be worse.

  104. So my name is Jen and I JUST finished crocheting a slouchy beanie today and now I’m a little weirded out…

  105. So I just did the whole Amanda needs thing and all I seem to need is a kidney… who knew?

  106. Well, sharing a name with a disliked character on a popular show isn’t awesome. “Carol needs to die.” Thankfully, I have a good self esteem! (Also, Carol needs real estate and Carol likes to please. Hmmm.)

  107. Anna needs to go, to pee, and dpc (not sure if I want to find out what that one means). Anna needs a new coat. Anna has a baby, a baby game, fire powers, and powers.

    I always have to pee, who doesn’t need a new coat, no baby or fire powers that I am aware of.

  108. I googled my husband because his name is always far more interesting than mine. Turns out he has a mangina…..

  109. When i googled myself, it said that was i still after snooki. cmon, its been 5 years already. and no, im not doing the sequel to my cousin vinny. marissa tomei hates me

  110. it didn’t do well with Gloria needs, cuz, you know, Modern Family. Glasses. Much more interesting with “Gloria wants to make a rectangular piano,” and “Gloria, everybody wants you.” And of course, Gloria likes “to make an entrance.” Come to think of it, that might be Modern Family, too. . .

  111. I’m so fucking late to the party, but apparently I have “78 yards of fencing.” So I got that going for me, which is nice.

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