I will do anything. But I won’t do that.

Earlier this year there was an internet  thing where you ask google to auto-predict what you need and what you have, and it did not work out well for me:

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.24.48 AM

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.24.40 AMScreen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.24.32 AM

THANKS, GOOGLE.

But I decided to give it another chance because there’s a new thing where people are googling their name and the word “likes” to see what Google thinks you like and I thought that might give me something less unsettling.

Screen Shot 2016-08-24 at 8.13.55 AM

Ah.  So, never mind then.

198 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Apparently, Justin has a limited range of motion and Justin doesn’t like anything, unless the Justin is followed by Bieber or Timberlake. Good thing I’m equally as hot and obnoxious as the Beeb.

    On a similar note, the internet f@cking creeps me out these days. It knows way too much about me and my celebrity-pursuing lifestyle…

    badparentingweb recently posted The Day-Care-adox!!.

  2. I am going to pass on buying a beanie from you. Thank you anyway.

    notquiteold recently posted Famous – But Not In A Good Way.

  3. I rather like that Jenny like yarn. The other stuff, well, that’s between you and Google.

  4. I put my name in and got nothing. Apparently I have everything I need.

  5. Well…I mean…yarn’s not so bad, right?

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted If Shingles Didn’t Kill Me, Wedding Planning Might….

  6. I use Magic 8 ball cause I’m old scholl

  7. Mine came up as Liz needs a change, and also Elizabeth (full name) needs to diet. Thanks, Google …

    Liz @ Yes/No Films recently posted Review and GIVEAWAY: Love with Food subscription box {ends 9/2}.

  8. Fuck you and your shitty outlook, Google. You’ve only been at this less than 20 years and you still have a ways until your gold watch and bad cake at your retirement party. I suggest you check the ‘tude, dude.

    Dory recently posted Um, HELLO! McFly, you in there?!?!.

  9. Linda likes wearing colorful clothes. (They lie!)

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted Pills with Eyeballs Look Friendlier.

  10. So what piece of taxidermy do you need the $16k for that you’ve not told Victor about?

  11. My Google is broken, I think… “Michèle is a urban dictionary”… but I don’t really know that many words…

  12. Apparently the internet wants you to knit it something. Me, I was really gunning for “cheese” but I got nothing.

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 99: Jet Lag Grumpiness, The Tragically Hip.

  13. Michelle needs to drop a few. Fuck you Google.

  14. 14
    shatzeesmom

    I guess Google thinks I like antiques…or are one. Hmmmmm.

  15. Apparently I have two daddies and have relapsed and am also in need of a love monkey. Like I needed Google to tell me all of that.

    Rodney Lacroix recently posted "Romantic as Hell" is AVAILABLE and oh, look, I made a video!.

  16. Does Victor know about Nate? :p

    Thank you for yet another smile, Jenny.

  17. Well who doesn’t like Nate, really?

  18. Craig needs a friend

  19. Apparently I have schizophrenia and squirrels in my pants…and I need a kidney…

  20. A G-string and sixteen grand worth of shooters is certainly one way to end up with herpes and a truckload of yarn.

  21. Apparently Madison has heart and an annuity that pays 9003. But apparently Madison needs a kidney. And Madison likes nothing.

    I have plenty of heart but am without a kidney. That’s a problem.

  22. Who doesn’t need $16,000? I mean, c’mon.

  23. Shannon likes stuff
    Shannon likes coffee
    Both true!

  24. Jessica has a mass of 55kg. Jessica needs Facebook.

    Jessica likes gfriend, yoonsic, and onew. But I… I don’t know what any of those are.

    jeccav recently posted j. Reads “The Book of Sacred Baths: 52 Bathing Rituals to Revitalize Your Spirit”.

  25. So, I tried Julee, which is my nickname and nothing. So I went with Julia my actual name. Julia has two lovers. Julia needs a bath. (Probably because of the two lovers) And, Julia likes in this order: cats, frogs, metal and making out. (Again-two lovers).

  26. I’m a scared to do this now, which means I will wait an hour and try it anyway.

    DayLeeFix recently posted Whose Pants are Wetter? Gypsy Wedding Crasher or Ryan Lochte?.

  27. That is awesome. Mine? Michelle needs to drop a few, lose a few, help, and help snopes. I also have a baby by who? And the right to bear arms. I also smell like cocoa butter and I want to be Beyonce. I also love Lipsy and I feel so good.

  28. Karen likes harvest moon. I enjoy the occasional Blue Moon brew. I guess that I could drink one while looking at the harvest moon. Come on over and we can roll your yarn into balls while having a beer.

  29. 29
    Gribble Girl

    I apparently need a hobby…
    I am too scared to ask what hobby I should take up….

  30. “Caitlyn needs a rework”
    “Caitlyn needs to grow up.”
    Well eff you too, Google. >:C

    nerril recently posted It includes everything pictured…right?.

  31. It seems Don likes to make shit real and becomes “likes don’t save lives”. Google thinks I’m very negative and not even a person.

  32. Well, when you use Meatloaf lyrics, you kind of ask for it. Google “Meatloaf is” and watch the hilarity ensue!

    whatwouldgilliesdo recently posted I Have Not Been Productive All Day, But It’s So Not My Fault.

  33. Hahaha! me:
    “Lisa likes Millhouse
    Lisa likes Nelson episode
    Lisa likes you know whatever”

    Yea, that sounds about right.

  34. Is there a comma missing?

    Jenny likes yarn, slouchy beanie?

    Why would anyone use that as a term of endearment? Is it an insult?

    I’m so confused.

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted If Medina Lake seems low again, it’s because a lot of it went up my nose.

  35. So google will change Sara to Sarah when using the “needs”:
    Sarah needs to bake a cake (I really don’t. I’ll eat it all.)
    Sarah needs a job. (I really do. It’s stressing me out!)

    But it did not add the ‘h’ with the likes:
    Sara likes coffee. (It’s hilarious because it took me 35 years but I really do love it now!)

  36. “To fart for you”…allrighty then…

    The Hellion recently posted Smells That Remind Me Of My Childhood….

  37. Ha! I can only imagine what my name will bring up. Susie is one of them names.

    susielindau recently posted It’s Not too Late for a Weekend Getaway Like This One!.

  38. Ha! It didn’t disappoint.

  39. Lacey has it and Lacey wants to help. But apparently I don’t like or need anything! The perils of an uncommon name…

  40. I’m so posting screen shots on Facebook. And I might of gone too far with all the verbs.

    Michelle Grewe recently posted Blessings Giveaway.

  41. Hmm. Tonya needs a kidney.Tonya has a rectangular rug with an area of 21 square feet. Tonya likes to read, go to the beach, and spend time with her family.

  42. I got Betsy wants nuts and cider.

    True enough.

  43. Apparently I Like Mindy and I Need Help….Hahahaha.

  44. According to Google I like to diet and need lunch. That is a bit backwards if you ask me. Let’s be more accurate; I like lunch and need to diet.

    The Lady Gnome recently posted Perfectly Imperfect.

  45. We all need 16,000$.

    Kristin recently posted Intergalactic freedom fighting (with Beyoncé)..

  46. I like fez and the smell of cut grass apparently. Jackie Chan likes and dislikes and Jackie King likes to sing. So…yeah.

  47. Hi, I’m Trish, and I apparently neither need nor like anything, but I do have a jug of contaminated water. Seems to me I should probably need some penicillin then. Also I am very confused.

  48. Apparently I do not like, want, or need anything. I am a self-contained hermit.

  49. Apparently I don’t like, have, or need anything. Yay?

  50. Shayne doesn’t need, want or like anything. However, someone named Shayne Ward is dropping a new album soon. I think. That jerk stole my needs, wants and likes, so I’m not researching him/her anymore. It’s probably a him. Just to rub salt in the wound.

  51. Amy needs a shower and a seat. A shower seat? Amy has a baby and an intense fear of injections….then how’d I get the baby. Hehehe….injections.

  52. It just autocorrects my name to “Kate” (from Kaye). And apparently Kate needs a haircut/new haircut.

  53. Yarn is good for the cats!!! 🙂

  54. Wendy has stormy eyes…

  55. I refuse to put in Ellen likes or Ellen is because I know it will come up with girls or a lesbian. And while I am all about gay rights, I’m a straight ally. When you can predict the predictive text, it kind of defeats the purpose 🙂

  56. Chanda apparently needs nothing and also likes nothing. This makes me feel sad…

  57. Apparently I don’t need anything (which is likely true) but I do need to improve your cardiorespiratory (and therefore mine in the process?)

  58. Mimi needs a lung, life is tough for people with my name
    needs a lawyer
    needs mutt militia (wow what the hell)

  59. So you’re saying the care package with $16k and pounds and pounds of yarn would be totally unwelcome?

    Fine, but only because I read somewhere that you’re armed.

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted Ghosts on a Boat.

  60. I only got one item: cats. Lindsay likes cats. Well, Google’s not wrong, but I feel like that’s a lazy guess since most of the internet seems to like cats. Oh, and if I was Lindsay Lohan, I would need help. But I’m not, so apparently I don’t need anything.

  61. Sarah likes coffee. Well, duh, Google. It is 7 am and my plan is to not murder any of my coworkers today.
    On the other hand: Sarah likes to run. Nope, Google. Just nope.

  62. truth.
    heather likes
    heather likes food
    heather likes food ham and swiss sliders
    heather likes food coffee cake in a mug
    heather likes food chicken tortilla soup

  63. Nobody likes Andrea. 🙁

  64. Apparently, I need to have my car towed. I also need a kidney and I have 7 quarts of juice with me (presumably for my bad kidney because it’s good to flush that kind of dead thing out). Google has also told me that I like wearing colourful clothes which will help attract the tow truck driver to my broken down car as I languish by the side of the road. But, hot damn, I will look good.

    I think what Google is trying to tell me is that because I have a bad car and a bad kidney, I may as well be buried in my colourful clothes while mourners drink 7 quarts of juice at my wake. I mean, 7 quarts of juice is no good to me if I am dead from a bad kidney so the mourners at my wake may as well enjoy it. Hopefully, it is orange or apple juice and not prune juice because who wants to drink prune juice at a wake? Duh, Google.

    Linda recently posted beware of wife.

  65. I have a problem, a will and a way.

  66. 66
    ocularnervosa

    How do you knit a far?

  67. 67
    ocularnervosa

    Lets try this again shall we?

    How do you knit a fart?

  68. Heather likes food
    Heather likes food ham and swiss sliders
    Heather likes food coffee cake in a cup
    Heather likes food bbq chicken

    Fair enough Google.
    (I swear I didn’t add the food part – Google did that all on its own.)

  69. Google assumes I need nothing, but it was happy to inform me that “Kay has 325 beads.” Perhaps need to get your yarn and my beads together.

  70. LOL I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought of Meatloaf. (Dang you, Jenny, now I’ve got that song in my head…)

    “whatwouldgilliesdo | August 24, 2016 at 7:52 am
    Well, when you use Meatloaf lyrics, you kind of ask for it. Google “Meatloaf is” and watch the hilarity ensue!”

  71. Terri likes to put her head in the sand.
    I supposed that’s slightly better than if it had said ” Terri’s got her head up her ass.”
    In truth I like my feet in the sand. Arguing with the Internet is exhausting. Maybe I’m just putting my head in the sand after all…

  72. Hahahahahaha. Well, I tried it and it brings up nothing at all. Apparently, Google has no opinion about me whatsoever.

    Shari recently posted Writers Block?.

  73. Katrina needs 3/5 kilograms of flour
    Katrina needs a buff (o.O)
    Katrina has a wheat business
    I don’t like anything apparently.

    I like this game!

  74. Every Google suggestion for me was food-related…

  75. Dangit- you earwormed me again-

    I got Shawn likes Topanga(which is an incorrect spelling of my birds name- his name is Tango)
    Shawn likes cookies
    Shawn Mendes likes and dislikes( and I don’t always Mendes likes and dislikes, but when I do, Aye fixe them in Myddle englysh)

    Shawn Smith-Ford recently posted UNLESS.

  76. Gawd! Mine said I need to die!! On the plus side…..because I’m with The Viking I get to go to Valhalla…..as long as I die with a weapon in my hand. NOTE TO SELF: Find your Battle Axe and keep it handy.

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Toilet Paper, a Swiss Army Knife and a Massacre.

  77. I think the real question here is, who is Nate? 😀

  78. Nothing wrong with liking yarn though : D.

  79. Well, I have three types of nuts but only two suitcases. How can I store my nuts properly? (Being a girl, I assume these are almonds, peanuts, and cashews.)

  80. btw it says I like blood, 225, [blank?, space???], and blood achievements. I don’t even understand the last three.

    I need to gather information about careers and 50 candy bars lol.

    I need a ladder and a date : /

    I have no arms, no arms joke, 3 pieces of materials and a red dress lol

    Really liking yarn isn’t so bad : D.

  81. The only thing that came up: Nate needs help

    Well, thanks for that google, I’ll have you know I’ve had help lol.

    Nate has… an hour to phil [what?]
    …an account that pays 2.76 [2.76 what? if it’s % that’s pretty good these days and I’ll take one of those, but if it’s like peanuts, that’s not such a great deal]

    Nate likes…to battle
    …to skate

    Holy shit, it got one right, but sadly I can’t do it anymore sadface

  82. I’m never doing that again! It said, “Lori needs to die!” I’m going back to bed!

  83. Mine didn’t fare much better. Apparently I like Milhouse, I want some time alone and a pony and I have 750 friends on Facebook and also a crush on Butters

  84. Well, I got: Judy has a seizure; Judy has a seizure part 2; and Judy has a seizure part 3. Bit ominous, that. Oh, and “Judy likes to line dance,” which is probably why I had a seizure.

  85. I know better than to try and look things up about myself on the internet… or things that might be about myself on the internet.

    To misquote one of my favorite movies.

    “On second thought, let’s not go to the internet. Tis a silly place.”

  86. 86
    XStacy Design

    Apparently…
    Stacy needs a ladder (that’s what Manolo’s are for bitch!)
    Stacy has:
    six marbles in a bag
    the owl
    to be the life of the party quizlet
    an imaginary friend mindy
    it going on (TRUE DAT GOOGLE)

    PS: Mindy shares that she is actually the life of the party but she lets me think otherwise

  87. Bianca likes to write. Okay?
    Tune factory Bianca likes. Uh wtf?
    Who likes Bianca in taming of the shrew. Clearly not Google.

  88. Huh. Google misspelled “Victor”. Weird…

    Jason Black recently posted What's in a name?.

  89. Julie needs a kidney. Julie Chen needs a stylist. (ooooh Julie Chen – poor thing!)
    Julie has an ectomorph body type, a fear of riding in elevators, and a gun not a perfume.
    But wait……. Julie likes stuff (soooo true – all that stuff – I really do like it), and to rock line dance, and Julie LOVES Mac Facebook (I think that he is Max Headrooms cousin)

  90. Emily has 180 m&ms. I wish….

  91. Google told me jackie like authors. True! . I do like many.
    Then it listed jackie needs a black eye. False! Unless it was talking about peas.

  92. Anne needs (vile Anne Frank “joke”)

    Go fuck yourself, Google.

    On the other hand, Anne wants to dance. Yes! Watch out, cats!

  93. Andrea likes art
    Andrea likes pugs
    Andrea has 37 coins
    Andrea has a needle phobia
    Andrea needs to find a kennel for boarding
    Andrea needs to die
    Really?? Art yes, pugs not really, coins probably, needle phobia no, kennel no, die?? Google is mean….

  94. Saffron apparently needs nothing.

    Saffron has:
    an expiry date
    no taste
    Hasselback potatoes

  95. Cate likes candy and the Doge, which is a little too accurate for my peace of mind 😉

  96. I’m a lumberjack who likes to party and just had one. Does this mean I don’t care? (Apologies for the earworm.)

  97. I can’t even get Google to use the correct spelling of my name :/

    Michele recently posted thinking about designs.

  98. Bloom up Googlism….a website that compiles a list of these for you.

  99. Apparently I need to die. Google is creeping me out.

  100. I had far fewer choices than you. It seems I have a pig on my head but I need a new liver! Yikes! However, the final one redeemed itself and Laurie likes books. Which Laurie does indeed.

    Laurie recently posted Real Life and Priorities.

  101. I tried both Elizabeth and Beth, and I can’t even tell you what Beth wants because she’s a little bit power hungry and homicidal and if anything bad happens to some Beth’s parents or brother I don’t want to be implicated. I LOVE my family and would never hurt any of them. Just for the record.

  102. 102
    Just Andrea

    Google likes you better than me.

    Andrea needs…to die
    Andrea has…been diagnosed with schizophrenia
    Andrea likes…nobody likes Andrea

  103. There’s a blog called “Heather Likes Food,” which kind of ruins the Google poem for all the other Heathers out there. Oh, I’ve got one! “Heather is…bitter.”

    becomingcliche recently posted My Parenting Philosophy in Three Words.

  104. Ok, Google changes “Heidi needs” to “secret needs Heidi”, which is apparently some porn thing. Just for the record, that is not me! I just spent a few minutes typing in various other items Heidi needs so the Google automatrons will know that there is more to the various Heidis in the world. “Heidi needs to go kayaking”. “Heidi needs a glass of wine”. Heidi needs time in a bottle”.
    Get with is Google!

  105. Caroline has babies, possibly twins (um, negatory) and Caroline both likes Stefan and has feelings for Stefan (sorry, Stefan, but I have no clue who you are). I have learned a lot of false information about myself!

  106. Monica needs barking and Dagenham.
    Monica is pregnant and needs training.
    Monica wants it. Well, no wonder she’s pregnant and in need of training. Little slut. I’m getting the impression Monica is a bitch, as in a female dog. Not sure what Dagenham means in dog language.

  107. 107
    Bigtimemamma

    Monica needs barking and Dagenham.
    Monica is pregnant and needs training.
    Monica wants it. Well, no wonder she’s pregnant and in need of training. Little slut. I’m getting the impression Monica is a bitch, as in a female dog. Not sure what Dagenham means in dog language.

  108. Emily has “cancer”
    ” needs “stem cells”
    and needs a “job”
    (Presumably to pay for the stem cells.)
    But fear not, because I still apparently
    Like to “play,” “watch TV,” and “bounce.” (True, very true, and… no comment.)

  109. 109
    SharonCville

    Sharon has a carton of quilting notions, so maybe we should get together with your yarn and make something crafty. But nothing expensive, because I apparently have exactly six quarters. Oh, and I have died.

  110. BRB, developing farting as a revenue stream. MOVE OVER, TONY ROBBINS! I’ve got seventeen pounds of raw broccoli, a finicky colon and a WILL TO SUCCEED.

    Rhubarb Swank recently posted Things I’ve Learned From Yoga Class.

  111. Apparently, I have 22 coins, a son, and a bacterial infection with inflammation. And I have decided to raise rabbits.

  112. 112
    SharonCville

    Sharon needs 64 credits to graduate and a liver. But apparently Sharon doesn’t like anything– google is drawing a blank.

  113. Apparently I have value, I need nothing and I like nothing. All are probably correct.

  114. Well, we can’t say your digital profile isn’t interesting! Better that than boring:).

  115. Plus, mine said I need an assessment. Not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound good:).

  116. Nice. But at least it makes you feel good about your life choices. =)

    Jenny Bristol recently posted Taking a Short Break.

  117. Alas, this continues the trend of my life. I again cannot participate in name games… Google has no suggestions for Sky likes, Sky has, or Sky needs. Sigh.

  118. So, “Mary Kay has a posse….” (of what, I’m not sure, but made me feel awesome for a bit!)

  119. “Loen likes” brings up nothing. I like plenty of things, thank you very much Google!

  120. I need and like nothing, but I have earned $20. So funny.

  121. Jen has a pizza problem. (there are no problems with pizza, am I right? – unless you mean a problem where Jen eats TOO much pizza – and then, well yeah.. I do have a problem.

    I also need a browser.

    The Google doesn’t disappoint.

  122. I typed in Elyse likes. And found out that I like to poop on cats. I never knew.

  123. Hmm. I put in “Alison likes” and the first hit is “Alison loves to bake” Which is true…

  124. I mean, I get how you guys feel misunderstood and I’m sad for you, but my name is so apparently freakish that I don’t get ANYTHING at all. Thanks Google for pointing out that I’m a nobody. Jerk.

    it's nothing, really recently posted Dear America.

  125. Who’s Nate? Google is just weird.
    I got:

    Kelly likes shoes
    Kelly likes shoes lyrics
    Kelly likes to diet
    Kelly likes shoes muffins

    I can’t even.

    Kelly recently posted I Did a Major Face Plant-the Good News is the Boobs Are Okay.

  126. […] In fact, I wouldn’t have found it except that I was reading a post over at  Jenny  The Bloggess.  […]

  127. Huh. The only thing I have, according to Google, is crabs. 🙂

  128. Yay farting! You are so awesome! Even Google knows!

  129. 129
    caitlinadams

    My Google is broken, or “Caitlin needs/wants/has” prompts nothing. Oh, except “Caitlin has a movie rental card.” Weird.

  130. Apparently I need or want for nothing. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.

  131. Thank you for the laugh out loud. The dog is staring at me. 😊

  132. 132
    Nicole Gilbertson

    So…. I played the Google game, and as it turns out, I don’t like anything at all…. It seriously didn’t show anything. (I used “Nikki” since that’s what friends/family call me.)

  133. It tells I like fire, and fire glass…so I guess Google knows me better than it does you.

  134. Mary needs meds- yep, but having Google know that is a little disconcerting!!
    Mary needs a savings plan- F-you Google!! I don’t need you telling me I spend too much!!
    Mary likes to do this- to do what? I guess to be crazy and to spend money

  135. 135
    HippieHickChick

    Apparently the years of second hand smoke have caught up to me. I need new lungs. Guess the new cathedral I want is going to come in handy if I don’t get the lungs.

  136. I entered “Troy thinks”… and got NOTHIN’.
    (Apparently my name is too weird, as it only gets references to either the character from Community or from Stranger Things. Oh yeah, apparently I peed myself.)

  137. Louise likes Boo Boo…?

  138. According to Google, I need a nap, followed by an ammo gif, a cigarette and a nap on the beach.
    And I don’t like anything, but Google thinks I love olives.

    Because who DOESN’T love olives? Unless of course you’re allergic and then I’m so, so sorry you’re denied their somewhat meaty, salty, olive-y goodness.

    mommatrek recently posted Clearly you don’t get it, Elizabeth Gilbert.

  139. The internets just told me I need to lose weight. Also, I like to pop bubbles. So, I guess that evens out? On the plus side, I don’t usually use google, I use goodsearch.com (it donates 1 cent to a charity of your choice for every search you do), so google can just go tell other people to lose weight.

  140. Google still doesn’t know I exist. That’s probably a good thing.

    Yarn is also a good thing…

  141. Apparently Google has decided to be a little less overt about things. Jill needs to cut a smaller slice. Are you saying I’m fat, Google? And apparently I still need Jack, which is kind of sexist, unless I leave it lower case, which is more empowering: Jill needs jack. I’m going with that one.

  142. So, I tried the “needs” one (because I am always the last one to try shit) and Google was all “Jill needs to cut a smaller piece” – RIGHT after I’d eaten my second chubby-girl brownie slice! Fuck. Just when ya think nobody’s watching.

  143. All of the Mary Beths in the world are flying completely under the radar. Either we are all notoriously straight arrows/boring milk toasts or our name is a sort of invisibility cloak that will ultimately allow us to take over the world. Time will tell…

  144. Melissa needs to chill (Google knows me well…); Melissa has a bag of marbles (or maybe not so well…unless the implication is that I lost them…then touché, Google); Melissa likes chocolate chip cookies. Duh.

  145. Mercy is apparently not able to like anything, because someone has stolen her name for ‘Mercy like’ which is http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mercy%20like. Mercy wants is all killing and sacrificing, which is a bit harsh. Mercy needs a buff, a nerf or a program. Apparently. Really she would just like some ice-cream.

  146. Jenny needs a massage AND a g-string, eh? Sounds like a relatively decent day to me. Especially if you get that $16,000 you need to borrow.

    bekahrigby recently posted I Run Twitter Accounts for Psychic Cats....

  147. Boringly, “Kathleen needs 240 valid signatures”

    Kathleen recently posted The Castle Cross The Magnet Carter.

  148. But, also, “kathleen likes avocado and crab dip” so that’s good!

    Kathleen recently posted The Castle Cross The Magnet Carter.

  149. OMG….
    Jennifer likes Omaha
    Jennifer likes to poop at parties
    Jennifer likes photography
    2 out of 3 ain’t bad, and I’ve never been to Nebraska!

  150. Google is run by aliens, and I wish everyone’s comment section had this little “include a link to your latest blog post” checkbox.

    jwgoodman recently posted Hot As Hell.

  151. […] Source: I will do anything. But I won’t do that. […]

  152. 152
    JenniferNennifer

    Based on the Jennys I know, we DO like yarn.
    This Jenny needs a “like” button that would work without a wordpress account. Apparently I must continue to need without solution.
    If I could have likes, I would have clicked it many many times, but especially on Elaine’s comment:
    “Well, I have three types of nuts but only two suitcases. How can I store my nuts properly?” which made me unreasonably happy for some reason.

  153. Apparently my only need is to die….I’m going to assume it has to do with Lori Grimes from The Walking Dead.

    Lori needs….

    Lori needs to die.

  154. Mine for KK came up stiller kkhath which either means I really confuse Google or that’s my alien name. Or I like Ben Stiller, which is totally untrue. Ew.

  155. I just recommended this technique for overcoming writer’s block.

    Janet Coburn recently posted Muse Blues.

  156. Lee likes bikes. Hmm. They are OK but I am more of a hiker than a biker.

    I’m thinking Nate will have to be the name of your next taxidermy acquisition.

  157. I have cancer and a baby.
    I like to share.

    Anyone who wants some cancer and all or some of a baby, text me. I’ll happily share!

  158. Literally nothing shows up for my name. Maybe its just my computer.

  159. So Google says I like coffee. That’s pretty spot on. Actually this morning I was thinking I could make a fortune making a coffe blend that is dark and bold and laced with Xanax. It’s a fucking great idea. And my self diagnosed contagious anxiety syndrome that I gave myself this week because my anxiety disorder was magnified thanks to the shitty attitudes of everyone around me could seriously benefit from something like that.

  160. Apparently, the only way to get a comment after my name is to say, “Carolyn is a…” Answer: werewolf! This explains so much. Then, suddenly I realized this was a Dark Shadows reference and I watched every episode after elementary school every day! Thank you, Carolyn Stoddard! I am so very proud to be in your pack.

  161. Never ever Google Hannah!
    Hannah likes to microwave butterflies
    Hannah has a ho-phase
    Hannah needs to pee
    Wtf Hannah get it together
    Ps Hannah’s my given name Bella’s a nickname.

  162. Apparently, Louise needs a home (cause I’m a cat), Louise needs to learn martial arts (but cats don’t need to know martial arts!), Louise needs to exercise some empathy (probably true!), and the legend of Louise needs to be heard again (I’d like to hear it for the first time, myself!). Louise wants to have sex with Saito (who?), Louise Wants You! And Louise wants to sleep with Ruby. So Louise is a sex fiend, and will do it with anyone. Sounds about right.

  163. 163
    Laura Beth

    Laura likes to pop bubbles and Laura likes wine, so I think Google knows me pretty well. However, Laura needs help, to lose weight, and an independent social worker, so Google is kind of an asshole, too.

  164. 164
    Wildrider51

    Kathy has little and needs nothing, apparently. 🙁

  165. Apparently, I neither need nor have anything. Maybe I’m not really here.

  166. Who knew I needed a kidney? I certainly didn’t!

  167. My “needs” one was entertaining…apparently, Leslie needs “324 inches of fringe”

  168. I apparently like fire. And I have a baby, and I need a shower. Google, you know me so well, in a not-at-all way. Well, except for the fire thing.

  169. Mine is:

    Laurie needs a new liver.
    Laurie has a pig on her head.
    Laurie likes books.

    One out of three isn’t bad! LOL!

  170. Mine is:
    Laurie needs a new liver.
    Laurie has a pig on her head.
    Laurie likes books.
    One of those is true!;-)

  171. Tanya likes to burn candles
    Nothing for my full name.!

    Tanya Goffy recently posted This Is Spock.

  172. 172
    Lorraine McCauley

    Please don’t fart for me…

  173. 173
    Danielle E.

    So I searched “Danielle needs” and “Danielle needs a” with no results, but when I typed in “Danielle likes” I get “Danielle likes poop” What?! Really?! Of all the things?! LOL!!!

  174. Apparently Macca has no wants, likes or needs. Yay?

    I do however have shivling, whatever that is. I also have no shadow. Lucky me.

  175. Rachael needs a vacation.
    Rachael has a baby.
    Rachael likes Joey.

    First two were right so I tried it with “wants” and apparently I want to be a bkack woman . . . I don’t know, never really thought about it.

  176. That is too funny! Mine comes up with nothing. Empty. Brandy Likes. Brandy Needs. Empty words after. Nothing. Boo :/

  177. Mine just kept telling me what Sherri Shepherd wanted and liked.

  178. Oh yeah Google doesn’t get me at all – especially since my name (Dea) is also the acronym for an unpopular government agency as well as the first three letters of “dead.” ” Dea likes ” got me “dead like me.” brings up memories of an early sit orca program that always corrected my email signature to Dead as in ‘thanks, Dead.

  179. Mine come back with an inappropriate series of dead animals. (to slaughter cattle, to watch pets die, to eat farm “pets”). My day is ruined, I tell you.

    Rory recently posted Why Are Manic Episodes So Chaotic?.

  180. Have you done Jenny + meme? That one’s fun too. 🙂

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted Seeing Guns N’ Roses and Coldplay in the Same Week was…Interesting….

  181. Who wants to bet that “Jenny has a gun” is a prim&proper person helping someone look for “Janie’s got a gun” by Aerosmith.

  182. […] feeling like a lazy sack o’ shit today, I’m taking a cue from other bloggers (i.e., Jenny Lawson at The Bloggess) and am sharing the results Google proposes when I type in my name to see what […]

  183. Oh gosh, I remember that post. Google is not being the least bit nice.

    I just tried it, and let me say that Taylor Swift has butchered my name. I wrote, “Taylor needs” and Google added, “Calvin’s rozes and love.” Jeez.

  184. I got Kelly likes shoes(which I do) and likes to diet. Google also thinks I have money to invest, a baby, and cheesy potatoes. Google doesn’t really know me at all.

  185. Laura likes to pop bubbles
    Laura wanted to die

    skinnyandsingle recently posted Hate Me Faster.

  186. I save up all of your new posts & read them on my Friday afternoons. You make my 3PM slump a lot more tolerable. Thank you for that!

  187. Apparently google thinks I have a baby and like to go ice fishing. Neither are true but it could be worse.

  188. I apparently need nothing.

  189. So my name is Jen and I JUST finished crocheting a slouchy beanie today and now I’m a little weirded out…

  190. So I just did the whole Amanda needs thing and all I seem to need is a kidney… who knew?

  191. Well, sharing a name with a disliked character on a popular show isn’t awesome. “Carol needs to die.” Thankfully, I have a good self esteem! (Also, Carol needs real estate and Carol likes to please. Hmmm.)

  192. Anna needs to go, to pee, and dpc (not sure if I want to find out what that one means). Anna needs a new coat. Anna has a baby, a baby game, fire powers, and powers.

    I always have to pee, who doesn’t need a new coat, no baby or fire powers that I am aware of.

  193. I googled my husband because his name is always far more interesting than mine. Turns out he has a mangina…..

  194. Kristen needs a hug
    Often true…. doing pretty well today though
    Kristen likes gave me a bunch of articles about Kristen Stewart and Kristen Bell. Alas. Now I do need a hug.

  195. When i googled myself, it said that was i still after snooki. cmon, its been 5 years already. and no, im not doing the sequel to my cousin vinny. marissa tomei hates me

  196. it didn’t do well with Gloria needs, cuz, you know, Modern Family. Glasses. Much more interesting with “Gloria wants to make a rectangular piano,” and “Gloria, everybody wants you.” And of course, Gloria likes “to make an entrance.” Come to think of it, that might be Modern Family, too. . .

  197. I’m so fucking late to the party, but apparently I have “78 yards of fencing.” So I got that going for me, which is nice.

  198. Perfect blogpost

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