HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VICTOR!

It is Victor’s birthday in a few minutes and it’s taking every damn bit of my self-restraint to not run in the bedroom and jump on the bed and scream “WAKE UP, MISTER!  IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!” but I’m not going to do that because I know Victor and not waking him up with all this glitter I found is part of his birthday present.  YOU’RE WELCOME, VICTOR.

But I’ve had a bit to drink and I’m afraid I will oversleep in the morning and Hailey will say “Happy birthday” first so I’m posting my birthday present here so that I win.  I WIN AT BIRTHDAYS.  Also, I’ve been drinking because it’s been a very long day but technically midnight is like happy hour for me because my body doesn’t recognize normal working hours.

So Victor, this is for you:

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Also, am I supposed to put periods in N.A.S.C.A.R.?  Because it seems like I should since it’s an acronym but it also looks weird.  We can talk about this when you wake up.  Which will not be in a few minutes when it turns midnight.

Probably.

Happy birthday.

I win.

PS. Booze bras totally exist but I just went to buy one and it only goes up to a C cup and that shit ain’t gonna cut it, so instead Amazon was like “Hey, check out these soft, floppy boobie flasks” and I’m a little insulted at the wording, but yeah.  That might work.

161 thoughts on “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VICTOR!

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  1. No periods. It’s in all caps b/c you have to scream it when you say it. Happy birthday Victor! #teamvictor

  2. … From what I can tell, they’re also suggesting them as soft, floppy penis flasks. Our a way to convince cowboys you have gout. Multi-purpose!

  3. Wow you must really like him!!! More than books!!! I don’t know if I could like someone that much, there are just so many good books out there, and they don’t mind if you cheat on them with other books!!! and they’re all so different, you can have a whole bunch of them at the same time and nobody needs to know!!!

  4. “I love you more than books” is a whole lotta love.
    Also, I’m with you on Midnight Happy Hour because I, too, do not “do” anything resembling “normal working hours”. But I Get Shit Done and that’s what counts, right?

    Happy Birthday, Victor!

  5. I just looked at both of those boob flasks, and now Amazon is totally going to judge me because I also have an active baby registry there. I blame you.

  6. Happy Birthday Victor!!! I happen to have a booze bra, but you can’t have either of my boobs, because my husband would be really, REALLY upset. But Happy Birthday anyway and here’s to a great new wonderful year ahead!!!

  7. Happy Birthday, Victor!! I hope your time at NASCAR is super fun!

    Super bummed that the booze bra doesn’t come in larger sizes. Also terrified that when I clicked on the clicked on the link for it, one of Amazon’s suggestions was “Tampon Flasks.” What do you even say if you get caught drinking booze out of a fake tampon?!

    P.S. I hope when you do wish Victor happy birthday in person the glitter is involved. Everything is better with glitter.

  8. “I love you more than books.” Sigh. I read that sentence and nodded. You made me realize just how much I love my husband. Thanks for that. Truly.

  9. OMG OMG there are only 12 soft floppy boob flasks left in stock! Wait, maybe I should get one of the WineRack 200-008s instead. But they only come in small and medium, wtf? Never mind, I’m not going out anyway so straight from the bottle is fine. Oh, and happy birthday, Victor.

  10. I got a little sidetracked from the bra flasks when Amazon wanted me to buy a tampon flask. Maybe you could carry one of those around for Victor if the bra thing doesn’t work out.

  11. That has got to be some form of discrimination, right? Us larger endowed ladies like to drink wine on the go too, damn it!

    He’s extremely lucky to have you. NASCAR AND you’re going to share your boob flask with him? You definitely win the ‘Best Wife in the History of Anything Ever!’ award with this one. There’s no way I could sit through a race without complaining like a child.
    “It’s too loud! I can’t hear The Voices!”
    “My neck hurts!”
    “I’m bored!”
    “Are they there yet?”

    You’re also willing to share your life force, so ingeniously (and probably VERY uncomfortably) hidden in your bra, which, let’s be honest here … You’re going to get that weird under-boob sweat that we ladies look forward to about as much as we look forward to the possibility of walking into a bear trap when hiking.

    Someone start the music while I fill this trophy with wine.

  12. You are such a good wife; not waking him up AND going to NASCAR! Thankfully my husband does not require such a thing of me but I do let him talk about hockey when I am feeling generous or want to cheer him up. I am going to look into the new to me concept of booze bras now.

  13. Happy Birthday Victor! It’s my birthday too. But I really don’t want to share a boob. Sorry. Have fun at the nascar thingy.

  14. I made a boob flask several years ago when attending the KY Derby (which sounds like some weird sex Olympics but isn’t) because mint juleps are way too damn expensive. I just filled some ziploc baggies with bourbon which worked great until they started leaking. Then people looked at me weirdly because I smelled like booze and looked like I was lactating. And maybe because I was wearing a cone shaped princess hat because fuck those bitches in the stands with their fancy hats. But when everyone realized I was lactating bourbon, they decided I was secretly their best friend. All of which is to say, “Happy birthday, Victor.”

  15. Happy Birthday, Victor, husband of a writer I love so much but will probably never meet in RL, (you’re welcome).
    I hope you have a wonderous, wonderful day. Thanks to Jenny too, for introducing you to us, her readers and fans through her marvelous insightful writing. You are in my opinion, a lovely human being gifted with a wise soul. Also possibly a saint. So: happy Birthday.
    PS Jenny: if it holds liquor don’t dispute the name. I’m very sure medieval Knights filled up their “codpieces”. 😉

  16. Happy Birthday, Victor!!! With boobie flasks and glitter! 🙂

    Jenny, you only need to know 8 words to be a good NASCAR fan: “They’re makin’ a left turn!” and “Where’s the beer?” Now you’re an expert! You’re welcome.

  17. Booze bras? Is this an American thing? Or am I just too fucking old to know they exist in Canada? Mod shot anyone?

  18. Happy Birthday, Victor! Thank you for whatever tussle you get into with Jenny on your birthday because when she tells us about it we’re going to laugh our asses off. With you, though, not at you, most likely. Just know that you have a better wife than my husband does, as I would neither share my boob booze, nor attend NASCAR with him. I do love him more than books, though! 🙂

  19. Happy Birthday, Victor! Neither of those booze bra thingies look at all comfortable, but I have sensitivity issues. I can’t stand a small cloth tag in my clothes touching my skin, I’d go nuts with plastic booze-filled bags. It’d feel like bags of bees. Or lizards. Probably.

    Victor is lucky to have you.

  20. Going to a NASCAR thingie is the ultimate sacrifice. I live in a NASCAR city (Bristol) and have never once been to one. You’re super wife. 😊

  21. Did you see that you have the option to add it to a wedding registry! That is one way to figure out who is your favourite relative.

  22. I started giggling uncontrollably when I read that one boob would store Strawberry Hill and I woke up my husband. Worth it!

  23. Today was our 15th anniversary. We celebrated by learning about intramuscular injections of torodol…which they sent me home with and a bag of needles. My previous experience with pre filled spring loaded syringes did not prepare me. But, Hubz applied his field medic knowledge and get the drugs to their destination. I was able to make him a dandy apple crisp for his dessert after the delicious but weirdly timed breakfast sandwiches I threw together for supper. I had planned to buy fancier, adultier supper foods, but with the amateur injections and muscle relaxers, driving was outside my skill set for today. Here’s to another 15years of learning to do medical procedures at home!

  24. Happy Birthday Victor! Thanks for being allowing us to share in both your loves, and laugh a shit ton at all the appropriate (and inappropriate) moments 🙂

  25. Today was our 15th anniversary. We celebrated by learning about intramuscular injections of torodol…which they sent me home with and a bag of needles. My previous experience with pre filled spring loaded syringes did not prepare me. But, Hubz applied his field medic knowledge and get the drugs to their destination. I was able to make him a dandy apple crisp for his dessert after the delicious but weirdly timed breakfast sandwiches I threw together for supper. I had planned to buy fancier, adultier supper foods, but with the amateur injections and muscle relaxers, driving was outside my skill set for today. Here’s to another 15years of learning to do medical procedures at home!

  26. Happy Birthday Victor! Thanks for being allowing us to share in both your lives, and laugh a shit ton at all the appropriate (and inappropriate) moments:)

    Bloody typos…

  27. Happy Birthday Victor! Thanks for being allowing us to share in both your lives, and laugh a shit ton at all the appropriate (and inappropriate) moments 🙂

  28. Wouldn’t your wine get warm if you’re storing it against your body? That seems like a design flaw. Also, sister cup sizes would mean this would fit a 36D. They’re just suggesting the largest recommended band measurement and what cup size that would allow.
    BTW, you are an amazing wife to agree to go to Nascar. That’s quite the birthday present!

  29. Happy birthday Victor! You are a hell of a lucky man. Jenny, it’s true love love when you love him more than books or you would share your booby flask. I love mine the same.

  30. What a selfless birthday gift! Drunk at NASCAR drinking from a boob is totally normal for the event.
    And I absolutely need to know where you got the awesome paper!

  31. Happy birthday Victor! There are so many inappropriate booze-boob jokes on the tip of my tongue right now as I’ve been going through breast reconstruction and getting weekly saline fills, I don’t even know where to begin. Amazon says they are frequently bought with the fake sunscreen flasks and that got me thinking about putting pina coladas in those because they would smell the same although I would need like a dozen of them to make it worthwhile.

  32. I accidentally invented an undergarment flask, and it’s free. I went to change and realized I had a sports bra instead of underwear. Rather than walk the 10 steps back to get actual underwear, I made it work. AND IT HAS A HANDY STRAP LEFT FREE FOR CARRYING THINGS!

    P.S. Nobody steal my idea. This is going to be big, I just know it.

  33. Happy birthday, Victor!

    I don’t think I’d ever wear a booze-bra, given that my main attire is shirts and things like that. How the hell would I get to the booze inside said bra without undressing in public?

  34. Happy birthday, Victor!

    NASCAR is fascinating. I don’t care about the races or the outcome but the people watching is some of the best you will see. NASCAR in Texas? That has to be priceless!

    (Also earplugs are recommended )

  35. Last night I had a dream where I went to one of your book signings. Had I known you had alcoholic boobs I might have been less nervous!

  36. Happy birthday to Victor! And my son, who turns 20 today! I also am not waking him up with noise and glitter, although I should.
    “I love you more than books” is the most awesome statement ever made. Or at least in the top ten.

  37. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VICTOR!!!!

    I think the booze bra is actually supposed to be a li’l too small. You know, so your cups runneth over. It’s sort of expected, at a classy event like that, for you to show everyone aaaaaaall the good stuff. Because sharing is caring.

  38. Happy Birthday, Victor! I do hope you’re feeling better, and you don’t get any glitter in your morning birthday coffee (because no one wants glitter in their coffee). I’m horribly curious, though: what will you choose for your half of the boob flask? (Or is that too personal a question?)

  39. Try to have no more than one period in the middle of NASCAR. Crying, cramping, craving chocolate, and throwing feminine products (used OR pristine) at the cars tends to attract security. Not in the good way.

  40. Happy Birthday Victor! Also, its NASCAR. You just bring your booze in a cooler, however I’m sure boob flasks are welcome too. The only person I’ve ever loved more than books is my dog, so pretty strong words there.

  41. Happy B-Day, Victor. And the only thing better than boob flasks for a NASCAR outing would be big-ass noise-cancelling headphone flasks. Get drunk in blissful silence while you watch the cars circle the track!

  42. I LOVE the idea of boob flasks! Because then I could drink anywhere but also because I’m a small person and FOR ONCE I’d have cleavage. (OMG I just realized that I’ve never actually written the word “cleavage”. And now I just wrote it TWICE.)

  43. Where were booze bras when I was going through breast cancer treatment???? That would have been way more helpful than the gazillion pink ribbon festooned items I received. Way.

    Jesus.

  44. Wooh! Well… if Victor is anything like my husband, you can wake him up only if there’s the bonus of a “saxophone concert” in it for him. Glitter is optional unless we are offering to role-play a stripper saxophone serenade. Hope you find a solution for your boob-flask issue. And lastly, I must ask, are you planning to chill the booby-beverages whilst lugging them around on your tatas? Because you may want to get some coverage for the areolar appendages (and yes, I detest the n-word)?

  45. The Bradbury quote is perfect for the occasion. Where did you get that paper?? Do the pages all have different quotes, or the same? Either way I want it.

  46. I suppose they just go up to a C cup because that’s the starting point before filling. If you start as an E cup and put a bottle of wine in each boob things might start looking unsubtle? 😂 I would stick with the wine purse if I was you 😉 Happy Birthday Victor.

  47. Happy Birthday, Victor!

    Jenny, if NASCAR is anything like the Indy 500, you can totally walk right in with a cooler filled with all the alcohol you can fit in it. Just not glass, so be like my husband and pour your scotch into an empty plastic water bottle.

    A booze bra will make your Strawberry Hill get all warm and that would be disappointing. What you need is a booze purse. #genious

  48. Yeah, they make the Wine Rack (get it?) for the drinking woman, as well as the Beer Belly (TM) for today’s alcoholic gentleman. Both seem pretty fit for a NASCAR endeavor.

    Regarding the periods on NASCAR, I feel like NASCAR is kind of scary enough. The periods only lend to its ferocity, and I can’t justify giving NASCAR, it’s fans, or it’s participants any more power over me during this lifetime.

    I feel terrible asking this, but what’s Strawberry Hill? And, ask yourself, would it pair nicely with nacho cheese?

  49. Happy Birthday Victor!
    Can I have your wife?
    She’s perfect and knows how to give a Birthday Happy.

  50. The best place to go for a NASCAR thingie, uh, race is Watkins Glen. It’s in the Finger Lakes region of New York and it’s really beautiful. (And it’s wine country. Tons of wineries. If the race is boring you can hit the wine trail.) We went in August and it was a blast. Came home with four cases of wine. Sonoma in California…same deal.

  51. You truly love your husband. I’d give my husband two NASCAR tickets and tell him to have a good time! Happy birthday, Victor!!!

  52. Happy birthday, Victor, you are a lucky man! PS: Jenny, if that is a picture of a page from a real journal/pad/whatever and not just a clever app type thingie, where did you get it, because I NEED ONE OF THOSE!!

  53. The great thing about NASCAR thingies is that you can just bring some super high-powered noise-cancelling headphones and listen to audiobooks or podcasts the whole time and no one will even know!

    Happy birthday, Victor. I hope there’s cake. Unless you don’t like cake, in which case…I rescind my happy birthday wishes because clearly you were hatched.

  54. Happy birthday victor. Enjoy the boob bra flask. I didn’t even know these existed my life has been empty till now

  55. You just squashed my dreams of ever having a bra flask. :c
    Now I have to stay with my Plan B which consists of Ziploc bags in bras.

    Or I could put my camelback backpack to good use. THAT THING COULD HOLD A LOT OF SHIT.
    But not actual shit, I mean booze.

  56. I 💜 this Happy Birthday 🎂 story and All the comments ❣
    Victor, Enjoy your NASCAR thingy- ps Jenny Rocks! Hailey is growing up awesome, AND you have some terrific cats + Dorothy Barker…So. Much. WINNING❣Have a magical Birthday- 🏰🎠🎢

  57. Happiest of birthdays, Victor. Isn’t it nice to be loved and appreciated by a whole bunch of people you’ve never met? I mean, when it isn’t creepy and scary, which it will be if you think about it too long. Crap. Just Happy Birthday, Victor.

  58. Victor shares a BDAY with my son, but this gift is every bit my husband’s dream come true. I mean, not to drink booze out of Jenny Lawson’s bra, because tbh he doesn’t even know who you are. Mostly because he doesn’t read. Which is to say I can pass this idea off as totally original at my house so THANK YOU FOR THE BONUS GIFT.

    PS: I will not be perioding my NASCAR. I don’t think one does.

  59. I also love my husband more than books! A friend once gave me a set of 4 “tampon” flasks. I was grateful yet still thirsty because … tampons are small, ya’ll!

  60. I think you should retrofit one of those hardhat double beer can / straw thingys. you could totally run tubing where you wanted. OR better yet, get one of those i.v. bags w/ tubing & use that. you could even claim it is medicinal. you are just needle-shy, so you drink your medicine… YEAH! that’s the ticket! they says its your birthday dunuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh! we’re gonna have good time! I’m glad its your birthday! happy birthday to you!

  61. You could solve the booze bra size problem by getting one for Victor as an additional birthday present. I’m assuming he’s an A cup… Everybody wins!
    ~~~~Happy Birthday Victor!~~~~

  62. My boyfriend just left me for books (true story) and I’m pretty awesome, so Victor must be super awesome to be loved more than books. Have a super awesome birthday, Victor.

    Q: When the booze is gone, is the bra just all soft and floppy? In that case, may as well go with the flask…

  63. Happy birthday to Victor! It is my daughter’s 18th birthday today! Maybe I should buy myself a booze bra to celebrate the occasion, since she’s too young…and also too old to be drinking from my boobs.

  64. Happy birthday, Victor!
    Had I known booze bras were a thing, my sole NASCAR experience would have been infinitely better. Instead, I just spent the whole race walking back & forth to the concession area to buy overpriced beer.
    Jenny, you are an amazing wife and you have lovely handwriting.

  65. Happy birthday Victor, gotta be a bit strange to have people you don’t know say happy birthday to you, but it’s cuz we love your wife. And have a sisterhood with her cuz I am bat shit crazy and she makes me not feel alone. Lol but happy birthday and hope you get all you want. ENJOY YOUR DAY!🎂🍷🎉🍸

  66. Hey Happy Birthday to you Victor! It’s going to be a good one, I can guarantee that for sure! You know, that booze bra goes up to a 38C and them really stretchy so if you have D boobs you can squish them in there, plus booze and snacks, maybe bring a pet too. I have a sports bra, well have had it for awhile and I can tell you it’s very, very accommodating. Remember, it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere!

  67. Happy birthday, Victor! I hope your birthday does NOT contain any of the “celebratory” activities mine did last week: taking a nearly dead baby bunny to the humane society, having your umbrella ripped inside out in the midst of a raging t-storm, or your dog pooping on the floor in front of your bedroom door. Do I know how to par-tay or what??

  68. IT’S VICTOR’S AND MY MOM’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!! Happy Happy Birthday to the best Mom in the world (besides you) and to the best Victor in the world!

    (Like others, I also have a MIGHTY need for that stationary, we need a linky link)

  69. Sorry I cannot wish him Happy Birthday. I am still blaming him for the Pineapple Pen tune running through my head. And Jenny gets credit (bad, bad credit) for an assist. When I showed my husband that youtube (PPAP) thinking he would find it funny, at the same time as I said he reminds me of Victor, well, the look my husband got, staring at PineapplePenApplePen in gold animal print, while considering I thought him like the guy who suggested that video…Honestly, I thought it was a compliment…. : \

  70. Happy Birthday Victor! Wishing you the best day yet and that it is the worst day you’ll ever have from here on out.

  71. HBD dude!!! Keep up the good work taking tip-top care of our Jenny. And shit, “more than books”??? That’s like, A LOT of love. Have a great day full of stuff you like!

  72. There aren’t any periods in NASCAR because it’s just “nice car” said in a shouty, southern accent. Out of curiosity, what race would you be going to and who is Victor’s favorite driver?

  73. Check out on Amazon “Smuggle your Booze Tampon Flask”…possibly holds too little but worth a try. Lol.

  74. Hey, I have that note paper too! “100 Gathered Thoughts (For the One I Love) & Papers for Brilliant Ideas and Laundry Lists.” My daughter gave it to me for my birthday in June. I like #65: “There are people who take the heart out of you. And there are people who put it back.”—Elizabeth David

    You, my dear, are one of the latter. Hope Victor’s birthday was awesome.

  75. Phew… more than books? Using awful strong words there, missy, even for married folk. 🙂 Happy Birthday Victor! I hope you feel better. The boob flask thing kinda gives new meaning to calling them jugs, eh? 😀

  76. No periods, because in the South we say Nas Car, like “that’s a really NAS car.” Nice, yes?

  77. Totally random comment: I’m in love with the Bradbury quote at the bottom of the page. Bradbury is one of my favorite authors too.

  78. Hey girl-
    this being a college town they sell those in Austin. I know because I have a 17 year old daughter and have to breathe into a paper bag when I see them.

  79. On Amazon’s page for The Wine Rack: click bar that says, “Add to wedding registry.”

                                                                                      Oh yeah—happy b’day, Victor.
    
  80. Happy Birthday, Victor!
    On the plus side, Jenny, you can probably tell the most random sh!t ever during the race and no one will bat an eye!

  81. i could use the tampon flask before i speak at church….ummm like to moisten my throat…. well, i don’t think the older generation would see it as funny and i’d probably get fired so maybe not….

  82. Has someone mentioned the tampon flasks yet? I have used them and I HIGHLY recommend. NASCAR as an organization thinks that tampons will make them grow breasts so they won’t touch your stash.

  83. Bra flasks.. At first, I was thinking of the bra-thingie that Robert De Niro wore in Meet the Fockers, so I was really confused. But wow, that bra flask actually looks interesting. Too bad they don’t have bigger sizes.

    PS – I wish I had your handwriting. Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday, Victor!

  84. I have read some excellent stuff here. Certainly price
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  85. I bra-flask might be the best idea ever… think I could get away with wearing one at work? And, to echo many others, that paper is awesome!

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