That’s not how this works.

So a few days ago I shared this picture on twitter:


…and then a stranger (whose twitter feed was mainly angry rants and vengeful bible quotes) tweeted, “ABORT YOUR DOG”.

And after about 15 seconds of this:





…I realized I couldn’t stop laughing because it was so ridiculous.

I was confused for a bit but then I figured out that she was yelling at people about abortion all day and then one of those people said something nice about my dog and this lady couldn’t handle it and also couldn’t come up with a better insult than “ABORT YOUR DOG”.  Which just makes me feel sorry for her and also makes me start giggling again because I’m a bad person and I can’t stop laughing at stupid people.  But then I thought, maybe that’s a great insult?  Because how do you even argue with that?  You can’t.  It’s too ridiculous and it makes anyone you’re fighting with pause and just walk away because you’re probably dangerous.   “Abort your dog” is the new “delete your account”.  Thank you, crazy lady.  Abort your dog too.


And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!


Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Sleep Styler. which lets you dry and style your hair while you sleep. Before bed simply divide damp hair into sections and wind around the rollers for curly styles or hold flat and parallel to the rollers for straight.  When you wake up, just shake out of your soft, bouncy curls, and go.  The patented rollers are made with absorbent yoga towel fabric that wicks moisture away from the hair while remaining dry to the touch. Inside is soft laser-cut memory foam that conforms to your head while you sleep and the suede-like microfiber polishes the hair smooth.  For the cost of one blowout you can have effortlessly styled and healthy hair every day with The Sleep Styler.  You should check it out here.

83 thoughts on “That’s not how this works.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. So THAT’s how these crazy phrases are born. Another deep question about how the universe works is answered!

  2. That is the best reaction to that kind of online behavior. Just treat it like a Boggart. Shout “Riddikulus” and laugh at it.

  3. After I read that to my husband, he thought a second and then said, “ABORT YOUR CAT!” because he hates the cat and probably because last night he stepped on one of her plastic toys even though I keep telling him about how his “distracted walking” with the phone is going to get him one day, so it’s his fault, not the cat’s fault he sort of hurt his foot.

  4. I think I may create a new twitter account that only follows you. It would bring much joy to my life to be able to read and follow what’s going on there.

  5. Oh, she was just telling you to “Stop” your dog. Obviously she doesn’t think Dorothy needs any burritos. Or needs to be any cuter. Or needs any additional adorable freckles across her adorable little face.

  6. Great now I want a burrito and it’s 9:30AM on a Sunday morning and there are no burritos in my house and all the good burrito places in town won’t open again until Monday. sigh

  7. Don’t you dare! I want one of those pups! A girl, please. Will pay the ransom, whatever it is!

  8. This has nothing to do with aborting one’s Papillon, but I gotta share.

    I was miserable about the election; even broke up with my long-time beau over HIS vote; (we’re speaking again, my political principled-ness lasted all of six days) but ANYWAY:

    I had a dream that I met Agent Orange, our prez-to-be (ABORT THE PRESIDENT ELECT) I was sitting across the table, he was looking at me with that arrogant pout on his face and I was thinking, Christ, I don’t want to be here, but one of us need to say something and I happened to look at his hands. So, attempting to be nice, I said “Well, your hands aren’t THAT small!” but he continued to glare and I thought ohhhhhhhhh, this isn’t going to be good!

  9. This reminds me of my favorite phrase, “Obey my dog!” which I bark out when I’m trying to be a silverback to my kids. Has about as much effect as “Abort your dog” did here.

  10. Aww! You know you’re in the big leagues when you attract rando trolls! I need “Abort your dog!” on a t-shirt. And also, I made a burrito. I will share with Dorothy. I hope she likes cilantro. Wait. Cilantro is at least as divisive as abortion. Maybe someone will hate-tweet me “EAT YOUR DOG’S CILANTRO!”

  11. I have to say, you’re very brave. I’d be too afraid that “abort your dog” lady is a serial killer to share her ridiculousness.

  12. Aww, bless this fucking nut. She probably has an itch down there she can’t get rid of and is lashing out. Pfff. Get a life, and some cream, and leave Dorothy Barker out of it – she just wanted a burrito you maniacal twit!

  13. Weird that she wanted you to abort your dog if she’s a bible-thumper. I would have thought it was a typo and she meant to say “about your dog….she’s gorgeous and I want her”. Cause that’s what I would say, being a long-time admirer of Dorothy. I was not able to view the first Joelle and Noelle video, cause “it’s not available in my country” (Canada), but I laughed myself silly watching Part 2. Also, Fuck Off, I’m Fabulous is my new mantra. Happy Sunday, Jenny!

  14. There’s an anti-choice group called AHA: Abolish Human Abortion. It kills me every time I hear it that they have to specify HUMAN abortion. So, apparently, aborting your dog is fine. Crazy lady was just letting you know that that’s okay.

  15. So this is what happens when ppl hold on to those 1970’s brain-mouth filters, u know, the ones that look like they probably belong in ur mom’s vacuum cleaner. I’m picturing greasy hair, chip crumbs, colorful pieces of half-melted candy, and phrases like “abort ur dog.”😝 At least these ppl can be counted on to provide random phrases to brighten our days… kinda like those magic 8 balls.

  16. I can’t look at Twitter anymore even when I’m just going to look at your account. ABORT YOUR DOG eye roll emoji here. It just sucks me down into spiraling layers of evil and stupid even post election. Maybe I need to ditch Wil Wheaton, Stephen King, and Sarah Silverman and just find people with no opinions. Not that they are evil and stupid but seem to attract those creating the layers of it.

  17. I feel sorry for her too. I’m not sure if I could use it though. If I insult someone I want them to understand it instantly 😂

  18. I think you are right. Her ‘spewing diarrhea talk’ splashed on poor Dorothy Barker.
    That’s what happens when you spew all willy-nilly like that.
    Maybe it was the burrito talk that got her… maybe she’s a racist dog hater…

  19. Can we please, please, please stop with the political commentary? I used to love coming here as an escape, but the political posts and comments ruin it for me. I thought they’d be over by now, but they don’t seem to ever stop. All the candidates were bad choices. I’m not a fan of the winner, but the system worked, and he’s not the demon the media made him out to be. It’s called mud-slinging, and the Left did a great job of making everyone very afraid. The nation won’t be destroyed, we won’t go back to the middle-ages, and, believe it or not, he may just do some good for the country. So, can we please stop with the political rants and whining, and stick to cat videos?

  20. What a horrible thing for her to have said — and your reaction was perfect; we will all have to deal with the crazies more often now that they will run the asylum. We will all need to react as you did. Because really, nobody can bear being laughed at!

  21. People are odd. I mean, mostly, they all are. I am. But sometimes they are odd, then they take a left and their oddness slips into the disturbing range.

  22. Well I wish we could abort racism, misogyny, bigotry, and hatred. I think that’s beyond politics to the hope for a better world. Thank you for posting. Love your Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.

  23. Perhaps you could try to explain to her that even with a certain blue box that’s larger on the inside (which apparently she knows you have access to, you sneaky Companion you!), you can’t go back in time to when Dorothy was a puppy in her mamma’s tummy to abort her because you’d be changing your own* timeline and it would tear a rift in the universe?
    *I’m going with the theory that your dog’s timeline gets to be counted as yours.
    Personally I’m reading “a-bort-your-dog” in dalek voice. Just sayin’.

  24. “Abort your dog,” she raged?? I’m both terrified and terribly entertained by this. How messed up is your day that you string these words together in this order? My day is better for having read this though, so thanks I guess or something, Raging Abort Your Dog Lady.

  25. Jenny, I think you are one of the most mentally and comically balanced people I’ve seen (well I haven’t seen you because I’m not a creep who goes around creeping and stuff). No one throws you off the centre of that dangerous old metal seesaw!

  26. Abort can be such a CHARGED word! And Dorothy Barker is such an adorable little floof , I’m sure raging lady just got all flustered with the adorableness. Burritos for everyone!

  27. I’m going to think positive thoughts that it was a speech-to-text error and she really said “ADORE YOUR DOG”. 🙂

  28. Maybe she’s a cat. Because a cat would absolutely say “Abort Your Dog!” and seriously mean it. At least MY cat would, but then my cat is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Taylor and I’m her Richard Burton. I just want to LOVE her but she’s sooooo mean and bitey.

  29. Dorothy Barker is adorable!!!!! I love that picture of her!!!!! Don’t pay any attention to that weird person. I enjoy your blog.

  30. I’m glad she didn’t say “ABORT YOUR CAT!”. Cats hate that. And then they pee on your mail.

  31. I’m going out on a limb and suggest maybe it was the sharing of a burrito with Dorothy Barker that was objectionable. Perhaps she thought you should mail the burrito to the starving children in Africa. Or she’s just batshit crazy.

  32. Perhaps they had orchestrated plans to kidnap your dog, until they learned about her burrito-loving tendencies, so they were alerting their co-conspirators: OPERATION “YOUR DOG” HAS BEEN COMPROMISED! ABORT, ABORT!

  33. Amazon keeps trying to get me to buy the same t-shirt. You order one pair of fuzzy slippers and a blood pressure monitor and suddenly you go from 43 to 80.

  34. This reminds me of the saying ” Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit all over the board and strut around like it won anyway.”
    Also, Dorothy Barker is amazingly adorable. Best not to abort her!

  35. May the crazy who says to abort your most wonderful cutie pie of a dog be forced to OD on burritos.
    Love your blog.

  36. I suppose after endless ranting, comments just come out like hiccups. Either that or she’s rating about abortion while guzzling ahem holy water. On the plus side, she made you laugh, and that’s always good. Made me laugh, too. Thanks for paying it forward.

  37. OMG the panda! OMG in heaven above, that dancing racoon!

    Mostly I just wanted to post about the ad for The Sleep Styler. I know it would be just another hair product that will fail horribly and my hair will still look bleh, but man am I intrigued and I’ll probably throw my money at it.

  38. “Abort your dog”? WTF?!? I’ve seen some pretty fucked-up ranting and raving lately, but for the life of me, I can’t imagine from whence in the depths of her colon she pulled THAT particular turn of phrase. shakes head

    On a maybe marginally more appropriate note, I stumbled across this on the Book of Faces today: Yes, for $20,000, you, too, can have your very own limited-edition bottle of beer that basically uses a taxidermied squirrel as a beer coozie, with the mouth of the bottle emerging from the mouth of the squirrel…I’m not doing it justice; just go to the link and look at it, if you think your stomach can stand it. It sounds as if they’ve already got their own not-quite-in-house taxidermist, but if there’s a microbrewery in your area who’d like to work out a similar deal w/your dad, and he’s interested, considering the kind of roadkill that ends up on roads in Texas (armadillos, anyone?), the possibilities are endless (not to mention somewhat nauseating)… Yes, I’m a sick puppy, but hey, at least I didn’t tell anyone to abort their pet, eh?

  39. OMG that Panda Puppy!!! Thank you so much for that link! I saved it to my favorite videos LOL (after watching it three times) I was looking at your patronus Christmas card and wondered if, just maybe, a better one to send would be an “Abort Your Dog!!!” card to the people you have a difficult time removing from your Facebook friend’s list. Let them do it for you with a simple card? I don’t know; I thought it was funny as hell at the time 😀 <3

  40. Might I suggest that Dorothy skip the burrito-fest, especially as the weather gets colder. Last night, my 70-pound dog decided to sleep close to me for warmth. Unfortunately, I awoke to find her ass on my pillow. shudder Her farts are usually pretty deadly, so I’m just glad that I woke up at all! I’m sleeping with a gas mask tonight. (Of course, Dorothy is so cute that she probably farts cookie-scented rainbows.) 🙂

  41. This is how I know the internet hasn’t quite killed my innocence yet. My first reactions to that were “Now … what typo could that possibly be hmmmm” … then “maybe English isn’t her first language and she meant something else?” both these reactions persisted for a while until I finally accepted … nope … this is a just people …

  42. There always going to be the ” Debbie Downer” toxic. Negative people out there that don’t have nothing better to do besides be rude to people I say laugh.

  43. I know some people say that you’ve “screwed the pooch” when you (not you personally) mess up, but I feel she’s taking this too far…

  44. That’s almost as strange as the bumper sticker that I saw that simply said “My dog has vaginitis.” Am I supposed to be sad for you and your dog, or scared of you and your dog, or happy that you finally got a diagnosis for your dog? And am I now expected to get bumper stickers announcing all of my pet’s diagnoses? I think I’ll start with one that says “My dog has abject disdain for your dog.”

  45. I think the “Everything Hurts and I’m Dying” is the workout t-shirt for many of us who have not yet found it. Imagine a gym full of people in those t-shirts. That is the gym I’ve been searching for:).

  46. Thanks very much for clearing that up because I don’t look at Twitter often anymore, but for whatever reason that was the tweet that Twitter decided was so important for me to look at, that it was forwarded to my phone (the algorithm logic of Twitter defies quantum mechanics, methinks). Since it was your tweet and I generally love what you post because it makes me laugh, of course I went to investigate the whole story. I saw that Ms Barker was asking for a burrito, and then the “abort your dog” comment, and my logical mind asked, “Did I miss an announcement about puppies?” Because why a random burrito right now? Right? That thought was followed with much indignation: ” ‘Abort your dog’ indeed! What an asshole!” (even tho I’m all about rescue and not about breeding at all, if Ms Barker was already preggers, assumably by accident, certainly I wouldn’t wish THAT on her!). So I spent the next 20 minutes (no lie) trying to figure out if your dog was pregnant (OCD much?), and finally had to give up before I went insane, as I am not an experienced Twitter user. Hence, one of the things I am grateful for post-Thanksgiving is that you answered my question and I won’t have to wait for months to find out if Ms Barker is to be a mommy. And I’m glad that wasn’t the case as well. No one likes a surprise pregnancy. Trust me, I know.

  47. So Jenny, I found your audio books first and listened to both of them and totally laughed out loud the entire time. And hen I was so sad that I didn’t have more books to listen to so I started reading your blog. I started st the very beginning. It took me over a month to catch up and now I’m really sad again because I have to wait for you to post stuff. You absolutely crack me up and listening to you tell your stories is even better than reading what you write because you are hilarious when your telling them. So I decided that you HAVE to have your own podcast!!! Seriously. It would be a huge hit! Can you do that? Pretty please??

  48. Some lady tried to cut me off in traffic once so I honked at her. She pulled up beside me, rolled down her window and yelled, “YOUR FACE!” So yeah, crazy bible spewing vengeful woman, aborter of dogs, “YOUR FACE!”

  49. I don’t think that person understands how abortion works. Once your dog is born, you’ve missed your window of opportunity.

  50. I love this so much and I was just trying to share it with some friends and I did “talk to text” because, lazy.
    And AutoCorrect tried to change “abort your dog ” to “abort your door Hook” which doesn’t even make sense, AutoCorrect.
    But I was watching and I could see that it had written “abort your dog” for a second but changed it to “abort your door hook” because in AutoCorrect brain that seemed more reasonable. Because even AutoCorrect was like “nah, bruh, who would ever say ‘abort your dog?’ You must’ve meant abort your door Hook, let me just fix that for you .” And I’m over here like “Nah, AutoCorrect, you better learn some things, cuz ‘abort your dog’ is where it’s at, now.”

  51. I feel like a video for funny cat videos is probably one of the last ones that should show an advertisement for viagra before it. I am very confused now.

  52. This post just brightened up my morning, which was feeling pretty depressing so far. In these current times of absurdity, sometimes you just have to laugh at the crazy.

  53. Maybe she thought your dog was a rocket ship and was going to mars and she wanted to tell you to not let your dog go to mars because mars is no place to raise your kids. in fact, it’s cold as hell. and there’s no one there to raise them if you did.
    sorry, just went all rocket man on you.
    but seriously that was the first thing that came to mind. spacepeople yelling “abort! abort! abort!” when they want the launch to stop and that the lady didn’t want dorothy barker to launch.
    then my second thoughts said ‘wtf, brain?’

  54. Maybe she thought your dog was a rocket ship and was going to mars and she wanted to tell you to not let your dog go to mars because mars is no place to raise your kids. in fact, it’s cold as hell. and there’s no one there to raise them if you did.
    sorry, just went all rocket man on you.
    but seriously that was the first thing that came to mind. spacepeople yelling “abort! abort! abort!” when they want the launch to stop and that the lady didn’t want dorothy barker to launch.
    then my second thoughts said ‘wtf, brain?’

  55. Another good phrase that someone once said to me with what I assume was also their way of saying “delete your account” is “slap a Poptart.”

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