WTF, Google?

So, I need to attach something to a tree but I thought that a nail might do damage to the tree so I went to the internet to see if they had any ideas and I was like, “Can I glue something to-” and Google was like “LET ME JUST STOP YOU THERE.  YOU WANT TO STICK SOMETHING IN YOUR URETHRA, RIGHT?”  And I was all, “Jesus, Google.  WTF.”  Because first of all, ow.  And secondly, no.  And third, WHY ARE YOU AUTO-SUGGESTING THAT?

No, seriously:

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-3-57-28-pm
This is not help, Google. This is a recipe for infection.

And then I was like, “You know what?  I’m just going to ignore this.”  And so I kept writing “Can I glue something to a tre-” and at this point you’d think it would autosuggest “tree”, right?  Because I’m doing all I can here.  But no.

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-3-56-35-pm
me: “Can I glue something to a tre-” Google: “IS IT A T-REX?  YOU NEED TO GLUE SOMETHING TO A T-REX, RIGHT?  I’M HELPING!”

Are that many people sticking things up their urethra and gluing things to dinosaurs that google now thinks these are the most popular options?  All  I wanted to do was hang up a birdhouse like a goddam normal person and now I feel like I’ve stumbled onto an entire subculture that I never knew existed.

Thanks Google.  I feel very informed.  Too much so.  And also, I still don’t know how to attach something to a tree.


137 thoughts on “WTF, Google?

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I don’t know about the rest of them but a wise friend once told me that with enough eyelash glue you can stick most anything to your face.

  2. I”My T-Rex kept escaping, so that’s why I glued him to this tree.”-Google, probably

  3. While I know that trex is also a composite decking material, I choose to believe that Google wants someone out there to a T-Rex

  4. Engages man mode

    “No More Nails” will pretty much glue anything TO anything. Honestly, I’d still nail up a birdbox though. Its still low risk for the tree and a lot more secure for any future feathered occupants of the box.

    So did I get away with that whole man mode thing? I never can tell if I effectively pull that off.

    Yay for putting up birdboxes, fantastic month to do it. Hope you get some takers, but hey, birds. I’ve been a member of the RSPB since I was a kid and I still think that birds can be assholes sometimes. Like come on, birds, I’m putting up this epic house for you, why the hell are you sticking twigs together on that really unsafe looking branch??

  5. This is HILARIOUS!!! I needed a giggle today and sticking things in a urethra and glueing stuff to a t-rex…well, if you don’t laugh at that, you may be completely void of a sense of humor! Thanks for supplying the laughter this morning.

  6. I love you a Jenny!!!! This just made my morning. Google is more fucked up than any of us…

  7. Well, unfortunately, we were trying to keep the whole T-Rex thing a secret. Now you know, so I am going to have to send some folks to “take care of you.” And by that I mean glue a glass to your face. Google says it’s possible, so…

  8. ok, first of I thought google brings up the most common questions/sea
    rches……How many fricken people are looking up how to glue something to your urethra? Secondly,I would assume the followup questions would be how do you shape a man bun….but seriously, nothing will stick to your uretha, at least not for a long time, so don’t try it, it hurts. As far as a bird house, you can put a nail in a tree, make sure it’s a long nail because the tree will grow around it and the nail will eventually become part of the tree….Enough said for today….

  9. Google has clearly gained self-awareness and is now just messing with us meatbags for it’s own amusement. I would start double-checking any cookie recipes it suggests.

  10. I use baling twine for a lot of things. Pretty plentiful around here…
    I think your Google suggestions suggest we will never be able to make a software that thinks like a … ‘human brain’ (?) but rather, a ‘mad lib’ search engine word guess-er.
    Good guesses, Google!

  11. Ha!!! I hadn’t thought about that in YEARS (cuz y would I right?) but I remember seeing a patient while I was doing my surgical residency. Thus patient had untreated chlamydia, which as we ALL remember, itches like crazy.

    How do u scratch that itch? U gotta have the right tools. And for this poor guy, the right tool was a toothbrush. Not that back end with those rubber gum spikes, but the teeth end, with the bristles. Apparently went in ok (u probably have a visual now right?) but the bristles impacted inside his urethra when he tried to remove it. So… scratching that particular itch became a surgical emergency,

    Let this be a lesson Google: stop telling people to put stuff up they’re urethra! I don’t care how satisfying it sounds, there are almost always consequences!

  12. My husband used nails to affix bird houses to our trees years ago and it doesn’t appear to have hurt the trees any. Plus, people have been slamming pointy spikes into maple trees for ages to get the sap, and those heroic trees keep giving up their delicious sap.

    Sticking things in a urethra, though? Eeeww.

  13. Thank you for worrying about the tree, and yes, they can die from nails in them. Not common, but it does happen. I hate when builders rope trees to keep them stable until they root in, then the ropes become too tight and kill the tree anyway because no one ever went back to loosen or remove the ropes.

  14. This is why we need more women in technology. So we can teach Google what a urethra is and is not to be used for.

  15. So, the other day I got a phone call from some random number and I never answer if I don’t know who it is (or sometimes even if I do know who it is) but, anyway, they left a voicemail and said they were calling from “the sales department,” no business name or any indication that this was a legit business call so I went to put into Google : Calls from the sales department….and as soon as I entered “call from” the first suggestion was : Calls from the dead. So, apparently, people are getting calls from the dead often enough that is the first thing Google suggested. I’m not entirely sure I needed to know that.

  16. You can glue something to a t-rex, but be careful, you also might die. Or just duck away from the short arms. Then run like hell, wait, they’re about movement, right? Just stand really still and whisper,nah nah! Gorilla glue is awesome – I’ll hand those comments over to someone else…

  17. I believe that one or two clean nails would not be deadly (as in, not rusty nasty looking) but definitely avoid wires as they can choke off the tree as it grows. Hanging from a sturdy branch is the preferable way to go, so long as they aren’t tightly wound around it, for the same reason. But definitely research birdhouse hooks/hanging. There should be some good options out there.

  18. This is hilarious! Before I responded I googled the question “do nuns get cervical cancer” because a recent exam said I have a possible (but probably not) cancerous mass in my uterus and I’m worried it is because I haven’t been having enough sex. Google knew exactly what I wanted to ask and finished after I wrote “do nuns get…”
    Perhaps you are just to normal for Google? (Which is a scary thought) Some suggestions before I finished: “do nuts have carbs?” (I’m guessing vegan Atkins diet people are more popular than we know) and “Do nuns go bad?” Which I want to know if they mean like the shelf life of a nun? Don’t use an old nun, they don’t have a good line to God anymore… or like some weird porno fetish wanting to see nuns on spring break or something… I’m too scared to investigate

  19. God, I love you! You find all the fun things that I don’t have time for – and I mean that in a good way!

  20. There’s me, staring at the google image thinking ‘what is a trex?’ I was about to google it, but the word dinosaur caught my eye and it all became clear. Well, as clear as gluing things that don’t exist to things that should be left well alone anyway!

  21. Trex is a brand of composite materials used for deck and porch building that isn’t wood.

  22. I’m glad someone explained trex was a plank for building decks because I was wondering where everyone was finding dinosaurs and was a little bitter I never found one.

  23. since google would not help, you can put a nail in a tree without harming the tree. but an “S” hook is a better option! (for hanging things in tree, not for your urethra. please, don’t put an “S” hook in your urethra.)

  24. I don’t think a nail will hurt the tree. Glue will NOT work. No matter how much you want it to. Gorilla glue is a disappointment. You could always hang the birdhouse from a branch – attach fishing line to the top. You can get an eye screw ( Jay -sue don’t google that.) and screw it into the top of the birdhouse. Thread fishing line through and hang it from a branch. It will make landing on the house in the wind more of a challenge. ‘Make those birds EARN IT.

  25. I just wanted to say thank you. For kind of saving me with your writing. After reading your blogs and books I feel a lot less alone. I am lucky for a lot of reasons I hold onto but sometimes forget on bad days. So thanks!

  26. I’m highly insulted and silghty mortified Google used my search query about sticking something up my uretha. I’m going to need to send them a strongly worded letter. Anyone have their non-existant address?

  27. Can I tell you how much I needed this laugh?? Please don’t ever stop gluing, posting, et.al. We need you now more than ever!

  28. TOO flipping hilarious! Thank you for my laugh of the day, Jenny. I can always count on you. It makes me want to try googling things to see what happens, but I am seriously afraid to do so. I have some (probably paranoid) idea that someone would look at my history and decide that I was dangerously crazy, or the NSA would think I was a national threat, or something, so I don’t do it. Thanks for doing it for me so I get the laughs!

    As for birdcages, you can hang them by a limb. the birds don’t need for it to be completely stationary. Just use a large limb and make sure it can’t fall off.

    Nails WILL hurt the tree.

  29. WTF Google is right! Also, why can’t I like someone’s comment if someone else already liked it once. I feel cheated. On that note, I’m with the person who suggested wire. Make a loose loop of wire to allow for the growth of the branch to hang the birdhouse on. And kudos, Jenny, for being kind to the tree. <3

  30. Google: “IS IT A T-REX? YOU NEED TO GLUE SOMETHING TO A T-REX, RIGHT? I’M HELPING!”
    lol I love this. Your Google searches are always so funny! Mine are boring.

  31. As funny as that is. Google does suggest some crazy stuff.

    As an Environmental Biologist I can honestly say if you nail your birdhouse to the tree the tree will be fine. Granted you do not use dozens of nails and the nails are not the size of spikes. Also it is best to use stainless steel or galvanized nails, ones that don’t rust.

  32. well, if you type ‘how to attach a birdhouse to a tree’ you won’t get that crazy stuff. I did get exactly the same suggestion you did in Google so I am kinda weirded out by how many people actually might have asked that question…yikes.

  33. Nails will not hurt the tree, but having something tight against the bark will. It traps moisture and allows fungus to invade the tree bark. The best way to hang the birdhouse is to use nails, but put small spacers between the back of the birdhouse and the bark of the tree so that air can flow between the two. That will make you, the tree, the birds and the T-Rex happy.

    You could also make some birdhouses out of Trex, which is a building material that looks like wood, but is made out of recycled plastic and resins. It never rots so it will be around as long as the T-Rex.

  34. I think “wtf google” nearly every time I use it. But I always wonder if I’m actually some kind of deviant and Google is just on to me. Creepy fucker. Also, in a very weird turn of events that was none of my doing, there’s a deer head hanging from a tree in my yard. So I know you can just loop rope over a branch and hang whatever you want.

  35. I tried to google ” stone bruise” …google thought instead i should read ” what do stone butches want in bed”. So, now I’m informed…but my foot still hurts..

  36. Well, bless you and just how quaint things are in Texas. There’s a whole, huge category on [certain websites] for “urethra play”, which involves men sticking…

    You know, never mind. It’s fine.

  37. Can you glue it to a tree?
    Can you glue it to a T?
    You can glue it to your V
    a g i n a it seems..
    Or your Urethra if you please
    Damn that Google, we want trees!
    Give us the answer that we need
    Not the one from where we peed
    I simply want to know if we
    Can I glue a bird house to a TREE!!!!!

  38. It’s called “Sounding”. And don’t ask how come I know that. (And it is kinda dangerous and infecty.)

    And for trees, I use screws. They don’t really hurt the tree but they also won’t get ejected by the tree as it grows. But if you ever do remove the screw, fill the hole with caulk or something because that open wound is how trees get insects and diseases.

  39. For realz, when I was much, much younger there was some kind of public service announcement telling men NOT to stick roses up their urethra. Apparently, it was a huge problem. I saw pictures. It’s not the kinda thing you forget.

    *memory triggered by Google suggestion of “can I stick something up my urethra”.**

    **Google may have still been talking about this.***

    ***God, I hope Google’s answer is “God no! Don’t do it! It’s a terrible idea!”****

    ****I can’t google to find out, I’m traumatized enough.*****

    *****I’m also at work.

  40. Someone suggested using Command hooks to hang the birdhouse, and now I’m picturing MC Hammer standing over my lady parts and rapping, U Can’t Touch This.

  41. sorry that was all me…I kept asking google the same thing over and over until I got the answer I wanted…I’ll not explain why

  42. I’m not actually as surprised as I probably ought to be about the urethra thing. If I recall correctly, there are actually (purely recreational) devices designed for exactly that.
    The internet is a terrible place, and I have seen … things.

  43. Jenny, you should stick to nails for the birdhouse and then just look up birds. I came across black chickens. Yes, completely black chickens, except for their eggs and blood! They are all the rage in Indonesia! Can you imagine a Goth Chicken!?!?!? I’m glad my kids didn’t know about them when they were growing up or they would have wanted one! And I was just going to settle for some vampire BBQ hot wings that my sister had linked to me on FB a couple of days ago that were black on the outside and bloody mary red on the inside until this happened. hahaha

    http://gizmodo.com/this-goth-chicken-doesnt-conform-to-your-perfect-chicke-1791841530

  44. Sounding is a legitimate kink, and comes with a wide array of accessories. Not sure about how many straight men are into sounding, but there are more than a few gay men that do it.

  45. I feel you should know this. In the lobby of the Google offices in Boulder, CO, they broadcast people’s top trending searches on a tv screen. With the right organization, we can really weird that receptionist out.

  46. Maybe unrelated, but I used to work for a urologist. He was called into the ER once for a guy who put a brand new wood #2 pencil in his urethra. The guy was trying to fix his erectile dysfunction without going to the doctor. And, during sex, the pencil broke. You can imagine the rest. At least he didn’t glue it in there!

  47. I can’t be trusted with glue. Anymore. Apparently. The Viking took all the crazy glue out of the house and put it in a locked cabinet in the garage. And that is without him knowing that some people glue things to their urethra. And in my defense, that piece of cardboard eventually came off the hood of the truck and didn’t even leave a mark.

  48. If you DO nail your bird house to a tree, remove the nail when you take it down please. My husband used to trim trees as his job, and he almost cut off two fingers and his thumb when the chainsaw he was using hit a nail that the tree had grown around after the bird house it once held departed. Talk about YUCK! They had to call in a plastic surgeon to put his hand back together, but he’s fine now. Not even afraid of chainsaws, which are reasonable things to be afraid of even if they HAVEN’T attacked you (so are lawnmowers).

    I do find it interesting that the tree just absorbed the nail. Like it was eating it VERY slowly. I don’t know if that would have hurt it in the long run if it hadn’t been trimmed, or if it would have been like a slow acting tree vitamin. It’s just cool that the tree could do that. Nature is fascinating. And dangerous.

  49. I love the title of this, because I once made a JPEG called WTF-Google that was just screenshots of me typing complete and grammatically correct sentences into Google, and it asking me if I meant something far worse and stupid.

  50. Life, sometimes. You start out with a birdhouse and end up with a urinary tract infection. Oh, and by the way, I typed “antibiotics” into Google and the first result that popped up was “antibiotics for uti (urinary tract infection).” Have a great day, all!

  51. Pretty sure that no bird in their right mind would live in a house attached to a T-Rex, because either they’d be trying to live in the earth’s strata with a fossil, or (as so many people still apparently like to believe Jurassic Park is real) be attached to a predator like a little handy snack.

  52. Don’t wanna add stress to your already sticky situation but if you put anything in a tree the squirrels think you’re swell. A metal pole is better. I used a display rack minus the holders … upside down. It has four “hands” that hold four feeders. I put up two for seeds and two for sugar water hummingbirds. Good luck. And I bet Víctor will roar with laughter when he sees you scrambling up the pole to adjust them … like a drunken stripper – not that you drink THAT much!!!

  53. How is it humanly possible, that enough people looked up sticking things in through their U-Boats? (Urethra auto-corrected to U-Boats, I’m leaving it there)

    @WriterDann

  54. A nail would have been easier and most likely not have hurt the tree. But never, never nail your urethra to a t-rex.

  55. Now you’ve made me think about the bat house I put up a year and a half ago, and it still sits empty (I didn’t even think to put it up my urethra).

    Good luck with the bird box (and your urethra and good luck to all the T-Rexes out there with urethras).

    Jenny, you make me think of the weirdest things!

  56. I love Google for that exact reason! I usually end up reading about WAY more interesting crap than I originally set out to look for. (I’m easily distracted.). And I have to tell you how happy I am that you put links to your Instagram on the blog; I really love your stuff.

  57. Interestingly, the T-rex likely did not have a urethra it could insert things into, having instead a single orifice used for reproduction AND elimination of waste, like most egg-laying animals. But by phylogenetic bracketing, it’s likely T-rex did have a penis, unlike most modern birds, who rely on “frothing up” semen through the vigorous contraction of the cloaca in order to move it to the surface of the orifice, whence it can be rubbed onto the cloaca of the female animal by the usual humping motion. The more ancient lineages of birds, such as ratites (ostriches, etc.) and waterfowl, do have penises, although perhaps none is quite so infamous for the trait as the duck; drakes (most of whom are serial rapists) grow new, more complex penises every spring as part of an ongoing arms race against female ducks’ corkscrew-shaped vaginas.

    the more you know!

  58. So I really want to get your 2017 calendar, but it keeps taking me to zazzle where it’s making me make me an account but I’m too lazy to do that, any other options I can do?
    Thanks,
    Pascale

    (I honestly have no idea since I’ve never done it without an account. Is there an option to check out as a guest? I don’t know what it looks like without logging in. ~ Jenny)

  59. Not urethra but my friend worked in the er and said you’d be surprised at what ppl put up their anuses. Like light bulbs.

  60. Last time I used Google I was trying to find out if it was safe to pour something down the drain. I typed in “how do I dispose” and it chimed in with “of a dead body,” and I’m like, “Google, don’t give me ideas,” and I kind of wanted to see what the answer was but didn’t want to end up on that watchlist.

  61. From personal experience you cannot, repeat CANNOT glue anything to trex. However Triceratops and Brachiosaurs are much more porous and glue will adhere to them much better. Happy gluing.

  62. Now I really want to know if I can glue things to Alex Trebek but Google is no help at all.
    I don’t know whether to be relieved or angry about that.

  63. Now instead of tiny fairy houses in trees you need to make a T-Rex house (tiny of course) and make sure to make it to scale so that everything is out of reach for his/her tiny arms. Then duct tape it to a tree because duct tape is EVERY person’s better glue.

  64. Aw, man. This made me laugh out loud. Hilarious!!
    “LET ME JUST STOP YOU THERE. YOU WANT TO STICK SOMETHING IN YOUR URETHRA, RIGHT?”
    tears

  65. Trex is a proprietary name for a polymer based wood decking product. Not t-rex. So the Google search was perfectly understandable. Essentially it was someone trying to figure out how to glue something to a piece of polymer deck board. Not that weird.

  66. Trex is a proprietary name for a polymer based wood decking product. Not t-rex. So the Google search was perfectly understandable. Essentially it was someone trying to figure out how to glue something to a piece of polymer deck board. Not that weird.

  67. Use some baling twine to hang your birdhouse not wire, wire will damage the bark.
    Good luck;)

  68. Jenny, read memoir LAB GIRL by Hope Jahren. Fascinating stuff about trees and plants, and she’s crazy like you, as is her lifelong lab assistant. LOVED this book, and she’s ok with pounding into trees, a bit anyway. Love you Jenny!
    Wanda from Seattle who came to your reading in the pouring rain and it was incredibly worth it!♥

  69. My wife works in a urology clinic and specializes in a study where they image men’s urethra’s by injecting x-ray contrast into the urethra and then take an x-ray (I tell friends that she’s seen the rest and took home the best).

    Anyway…you’d be shocked to learn what men have inserted into their urethras. I’ll give you one example: a prison inmate inserted a pencil and then BROKE IT INSIDE.

  70. Funny story; a few days after reading this post, I went into RONA and there was TREX, for building decks!
    I never would have noticed it if I hadn’t seen your wrangle with the Google. So your blog is educational. You have educated me about decks. So thank you.

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