I’m thinking I just need to buy the sasquatch so that I have it in case I need to give an emergency present.

Today NPR reported that some guy stole a giant chicken and weirdly, I got sent that story a lot on twitter.  Then I realized something:

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So then I decided to text Victor:

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He did not respond.

But others were interested. So I gave them this link.  And I used my affiliate link because I was pretty sure once people saw that you could buy a life-sized yeti for $2,500 (AND FREE SHIPPING) they would jump on that shit:

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Surprisingly, all 20 are still available.

But the best (?) part was at the bottom:

Click to embiggen
Click to embiggen

Products related to this item: heat-resistant gloves, a 6-foot faceless, poseable dummy, a possum trap, a series of lights for growing pot.

Customers who viewed this item also viewed: Wigs for your dog, Gandhi Face-Ka-Bobs, two, live adult hissing cockroaches, and “Reverse Vaginal Tighting Gel for Women”.  

And now I have questions.  Because the “For Women” designation seems a bit unnecessary and also, wouldn’t a reverse vaginal tightening gel be a vagina-loosening gel?  Is that a thing people want?  To loosen their vaginas?  I sort of want to look but I’m not going to because then I will be bombarded with targeted ads asking “HEY, IS YOUR VAGINA STILL ON TOO TIGHT?  DO YOU NEED HELP?” and then I’ll just have to leave the internet.  I don’t even have jokes for this, y’all.  I blame the giant missing chicken in Carolina who started this whole mess.

135 thoughts on “I’m thinking I just need to buy the sasquatch so that I have it in case I need to give an emergency present.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. HA! I love that you do all of our shopping for us. Have you ever considered opening a way cooler version of Amazon? Maybe Bloggazon?

    And I’m pretty sure somebody used a pic of me after 6 months without shaving to create the Yeti statue. I probably deserve a discount right?

  2. Wait, “vagina still ON too tight?”

    (Well that’s my reading of the wording. Like if you needed an oil for loosening lug nuts you’d want them to come off. So I assume this works the same way. I could be wrong. ~ Jenny)

  3. actually i see you did mention the dog wig and i was just so distracted by everything else going on here that i missed it.
    WHAT EVEN IS GOING ON HERE

  4. You need that chicken to go with Beyonce.

    Also, I feel sorry for the soul who bought the raccoon trap hoping to catch Sasquatch. Their spatial awareness may not be up to snuff.

    I’m surprised snuff isn’t on that list.

    P.S. Your posts make me super happy.

  5. Can we stick the giant resin Sasquatch on the White House lawn? Maybe just outside a window? With glowing eyes. Then he can be like he was walking past the window, and was startled by what he saw them doing..so he stares at them all judgey. I think it would really freak out the staff.

  6. Products related -aka all the shit you crazy people actually looking at this thing might want.

    Also, how does that dummy even qualify as a Christmas decoration?

  7. I love you Jenny and I just wanted to offer a gentle reminder that trans men can have vaginas too.

    (This is very true and I thought the same thing but then I thought that that makes the “for women” label not only unnecessary, but also more than slightly narrow-minded. Loose vaginas for all, I say! ~ Jenny)

  8. Because I think research is important, I looked up the Reverse Vaginal Tightening Gel (you’re welcome) and ‘Reverse’ is the product name… so you use it to reverse all the loosening that happens over time, I guess. But…depending on how you apply the product, you may just cancel out the benefits.

    Also, I sortve blame Victor for this because he needs to be more prompt about responding to your messages. So, if he comes home to a ginormous Sasquatch, it will be his own fault.

    (Now I want to know what else they sell. Is there a Reverse penis enlarger? Please say there is. ~ Jenny)

  9. So glad i didnt go to bed and decided to read this instead. However I laughed so loudly I woke up both dogs and my housemate. I may have popped a rib out laughing so hard, but worth it.

  10. Wait! It comes in three sizes? Medium, large, and life size. Umm so many questions.

    (At first I thought you were referring to the vagina loosening gel and I was even more confused. ~ Jenny)

  11. I decided to take the hit, and I looked at the gel. It’s intended to tighten.

    I will be seeing related products from now until the end of time. I made this sacrifice for fellow Bloggessians. Also my own curiosity, but mostly the first one.

    Wishing you a gigantic chicken statue from South Carolina, and no evidence that Victor was involved.

  12. Why is Sasquatch stealing someone’s purse? And on the White House lawn no less?

    (Not that Sasquatch couldn’t carry a purse, just suggesting that it’s stolen because of the guilty look on Sasquatch’s face. )

  13. I kind of really want that Sasquatch. If I didn’t live in a teeny apartment, and had a little more money lying around, I would totally get it. Did you know it comes in Medium and Large, as well as life-sized? And if you look further into the “customers also looked at”, there is a “Roaster Large Wild Boar Whole”? An actual wild boar? Whole? Wow.

  14. I think you should definitely get Victor the Sasquatch, because what if he shows up with the chicken and you are empty handed. Also, because if he comes home chickenless, the Sasquatch is also an excellent punishment. Along, of course,with the bragging rights for being the most romantic partner.

  15. There’s a house down the road from mama’s that has the life sized yeti. I told TheEngineer that if he insisted on us moving out to the middle of BFE, I’m insisting on a yeti of my very own. 😀

  16. I’d heard the POTUS roams the White House in his bathrobe, until Spicer set us all straight saying, “He doesn’t even own a bathrobe.” So…could that giant Yeti be?…nah.

  17. So Two things. 1 is that it’s awesome that the yeti comes in multiple sizes and how do they actually know what life size is for a yeti. 2 is that I didn’t even know these were all things that you could find on amazon. So now I am going to have to start lookin up random stuff just to see what else Amazon offers!

  18. I wanted to tell you that even on my darkest days, and I am having one right now, you make me laugh. Thank you.

  19. I think you should buy the yeti so the chicken or maybe soon to be chickens won’t feel lonely. You could put a chapter about it in your book then it could be a write off. You can also name the yeti jay z

  20. Hi y’all. I’m new to all the fun and shenanigans going on around here but I just want to say that I am lowering my dose of Zoloft by 50% and will check in on this blog on a daily basis! Thanks for all the laughs!

  21. This Grammy concedes that the overdue property tax bill probably should take first priority, but, DAMN that Sasquatch should be lurking in the woods behind my cabin, waiting for unsuspecting grandchildren.

  22. I find it kind of interesting that this yeti looks an awful lot like that one from Harry and the Hendersons.

  23. Oh man, I had a conversation with some coworkers recently about those resin sasquatch statues, and I was reading this thinking “I will have to email this to my coworker tomorrow, this is great,” and then I got to “vagina tightening” and was like oh oops never mind I don’t want to get fired. I’ll just send this to my friends instead. 🙂

  24. So I understand your general obsession with big yetis and vaginas (or big vaginas and yetis), but I can’t sleep tonight trying to figure out how the 6′ poseable figure is a Christmas Holiday Seasonal decoration?!! If Victor comes through with that chicken, maybe zombie Santa could ride it to deliver toys to all the boys and girls! The Yeti could be his elf, or just pull the chicken … do yetis fly?

  25. I can’t stop laughing and I am also slightly terrified by the internet right now! Isn’t anyone else alarmed by the posable dummy as a Christmas decoration? Umm, IS IT? Like, what part of Christmas have I been missing…I mean, the creepy as fuck part?!

  26. Generally, this blog is the lemon filling in my donut. Today,
    it’s the chocolate in my pie! You are so frickin’ funny!!! The kind
    of funny where you’re gasping for air and holding your stomach. We could
    hang out. Seriously.

  27. The listing says the statues are individually hand-painted by artisans. And I’m thinking about a factory somewhere where people clock in and spend all day making significant eye contact with a resin bigfoot replica while they painstakingly paint its many details.

    I wonder how one becomes an artisan Sasquatch painter, anyway. Is there a correspondence course, or is it on-the-job training? I have so many questions.

    And that’s before even considering the vagina tightening cream. Why wouldn’t you just do kegels? I know that kegels tighten the pelvic floor and the vaginal barrel itself can become distended with time and use, but be honest, can anyone actually tell the difference between a strong pelvic floor and a springy, youthful vaginal barrel in the heat of the, um, moment?

    Questions questions!

  28. To Jen Clay at number 37, I have a suggestion that will resolve both situations – buy the yeti and position it in the woods to wait for unsuspecting property tax collectors.

  29. Public service announcement: I received those heat resistant gloves as a gift. They are horrible

  30. I wonder how the first searcher for either the Yeti or the vaginal tightening gel got the connection between the two – which came first in the search string? I mean, I can kinda see a link between the two…kinda.

  31. Another gentle reminder that there are 2 states with Carolina in their name – we’re not just a generic “Carolina” blob here on the east coast! North and South Carolina are very different and appreciate proper naming. : )

  32. I’m just annoyed with Victor for not sending something romantic like a pair of stuffed squirrels in his and her outfits. Really Victor? Really?

  33. I’m dying laughing this morning reading this! Gosh, I swear just when I think you cannot be any funnier you are. I don’t know how and/or where you manage to find this stuff on the internet, but I am so glad you share it with us all! 😉 “Reverse vaginal tightening” LMAO! Really?! Who would want that?! :/

  34. *need. It’s early yet. I’ve only had 2 cups of coffee. Also the yeti would make a great lawn ornament. Dressed appropriately for the season of course.

  35. On the Yeti, I’m curious about the 4-1/2 star review (who gave it a 1 star?) and the 15 answered questions. Seems to me a lot of questions for any sized Yeti.

  36. What caught my attention was the yeti not only carrying the American Flag and posing in front of the White House, but holding what appeared to be a designer handbag. And posing artfully. Perhaps the reverse vaginal tightening gel could fit into the handbag. That’s the only possible explanation I could think of to link the yeti to the tightening gel. You know, it’s kinda like when people say “dethaw” they are really saying “freeze.” Speaking of freezing I thought yetis were white. This advertisement is very misleading and is counting on you being high while viewing so you’ll buy a designer handbag and lights to continue your grow-op.

  37. I actually know a woman who I suspect has her vagina on too tight. I have no solid proof but when I think what a too tight vagina would feel like I immediately think of her. Oh! And I think her boobs are on a little too tight as well.

  38. Posing dummy 6′ foot tall Christmas Holiday Seasonal decoration? What kind of scary-ass Santa Clause is that!?!? Maybe that will be the new elf on a shelf but much more terrifying.

  39. Not guilty here. I stole the blue one in DC. Don’t remember the yeti being there. Perhaps he was supposed to be guarding ole Blue???

  40. Here’s the link to a photo of our pink Yeti, Fred. We got him in South Carolina. He had to ride home to Maryland wedged between the front seats of the gigantic Escalade we rented for the trip. He is not made of resin. He is made of regular ol cement and apparently the garden shop yard was littered with armless Yeti’s because cement is not pliable and the arms snap off easily.

    So far Fred has retained his arms and has worn a witch hat and black mask for Halloween and a Santa Hat a twinkle lights for Christmas. We love him…. Our package deliverers and mail people do look at us funny if they make eye contact. It’s part of Fred’s charm.

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10154270158998665&set=pb.707003664.-2207520000.1487340283.&type=3&theater

  41. Wow! My friend has The Yeti at her house. It was tastefully hidden in the back yard amongst some trees, but she lives in a crazy expensive neighborhood that has a Home Owners Association made of cranky old men. They got wind of The Yeti and threatened her home etc if it was not removed. I don’t remember the rationale but somehow The Yeti is more acceptable in this neighborhood if it is placed on the tiny concrete stool that is her front door. Yetis need to be in the trees, man. I’ll send her this post asap.

  42. Are there photos on the left side of the yeti in different settings with various accessories?? I do like to know how my yeti is going to look in different situations.

  43. For those concerned about balancing the full-sized yeti with plantings in a smaller garden room, Design Toscano makes several sizes so even your fairy garden can potentially benefit from the presence of a resin sasquatch. Although not taking advantage of Prime Shipping for a full-sized Abominable seems a terrible waste of money.

  44. Oh man…thanks for posting this, Jenny…….I was trying to come up with something new next year for Christmas neighbor gifts. Those Ghandi face-pops will do the trick nicely. I’ll never have to say “Good Morning” to the people on my street again.

    (And yeah!! Get the Yeti. He and Beyonce would make a great couple!)

  45. I had to immediately look up the missing NC giant chicken statue because there used to be one in front of a house on my drive to-from work in NC which disappeared a few weeks ago.
    It was apparently a different chicken. I actually think my commute chicken probably didn’t disappear, I think they moved and took the chicken with them – which is impressive because it was about 6′ tall.
    I miss my commute chicken because they would sometimes dress it up for the holidays. And who doesn’t want to pass a 6′ concrete chicken bedecked with holiday lights. 🙂

  46. I’m still unclear on how one goes about stealing a 3,000 pound chicken. Undetected. Wouldn’t heavy machinery be required? And you’d have to leave it outside, so I guess you disguise it? “Officer, I’m a little offended at your suspicions. That is NOT a 3,000 pound chicken it’s quite clearly a very short stork.”
    So many questions.

  47. G-All stallions are well endowed.
    I have nothing more to say. This entire post has left me speechless.
    And I have an unnatural.desire to actually get that Sasquatch and put it on the front lawn.

  48. Jenny,

    Did you check out any of the other things at the bottom of the Amazon page because you totally do need to do so. I clicked on the Gandhi Face Kabobs and you need to see what popped up. I would love to come to a book signing but you aren’t going to be anywhere near me so maybe the next book tour.

    From one broken person to another,

    Maureen

  49. Oh my gosh, I’ve been trying to figure out for MONTHS why I got followed all over the Internet by that yeti ad. Google knows I love you.

  50. I’m laughing so hard. Also, I think the internets is ready to leave you. But in a loving way, not like over the phone or anything. ❤️

  51. I have so many questions about so many things now. Which getting answers would most likely lead to more questions. It’s like a black hole! I think I need a hug now…

  52. NOOOOOO. Seriously, DO NOT GOOGLE life-size yeti! I did that a few years ago when it was announced that Sky Mall magazine was going away (and of course Sky Mall always had a giant sasquatch statue for sale) so I googled JUST ONCE to see if there are other places to get one and how much would it cost. Yes, $2500. And now I constantly get ads for life-size yetis on my feeds and in Facebook.

  53. So no one is going to touch that one of the highlighted features of the Vaginal Gel is that it is Odorless and Tasteless?

  54. I got him for my bday!!!!! My husband negotiated him from a discount cigarette store!!!! I love him!!

  55. I’m so glad you’re doing all these searches so I don’t have to worry about what Google & Amazon results I will get!

  56. I have seen the resin Big Foot statues in person, and they are impressive. If you’d rather steal one, just come to the Pacific NW – we are filthy with resin Big Foot statues.

  57. I am serious worried about my mental state because I heard “life size yeti” and “reverse vaginal tightening gel” and my mind created a home-shopping-network-turned-beastly-shades-of-grey out of my nightmares that will take some heavy drinking to erase 🙈😣😉

  58. Design Toscano has a giant dragon statue that I desperately want. My boyfriend looked at me crazy when I said it was only $3000, but then I pointed out that the engagement ring we looked at was way lower than he budgeted for so…..

  59. Someone needs to sell vagina tightening gel that comes in a sasquatch shaped container. That way they would get people who want the tightening gel buying it as well as people who collect sasquatch shaped things, and then could go out and buy giant chickens for everyone

  60. There is a store a few blocks from my house that has one of these on a dolly. They roll it out every day and put in front of the store. They dress it for holidays and it is made of AWESOME. I will get a pic and post!

  61. Sasquatch, I mean. Not a vagina tightener. That would be weird since it is a power tool place.

  62. Actually, a vagina tightener with holiday decorations would be weird no matter where it was . . .

  63. Love you to pieces but just so you know, I was born in SOUTH Carolina and raised in NORTH Carolina. Residents of neither state refer to themselves as being in Carolina. Around here Carolina is a college in Chapel Hill, NC. Arch rivals of NCSU (aka NC State University). So unless he is truly at the college in Chapel Hill, he is “in North Carolina.” So saying he is “in Carolina” would be comparable to you saying that you live in Xas. Sorry, but just had to give you an edumacation on that one…. Still love you. Still plan on being at the bookstore in Raleigh NORTH Carolina to get you to sign the butt area of Floyd, the gender-confused Pink Flamingo with Multiple-Personality Disorder.

  64. I have been having the SHITTIEST of days and this made me laugh so hard that Bella Skeerdycat looked at me like I’d lost my damn mind. Which, if you’ve ever seen her make that face, is pretty amusing too.

  65. I just finished reading David McCullough’s “John Adams” and learned that Thomas Jefferson roamed around the White House in his bathrobe, so I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. That said, I don’t want to think about the current POTUS doing anything at all there. cough

    However, a giant yeti on the lawn could only improve the current one.

  66. You know, if you bought the giant Sasquatch and put it in your yard, somebody would report that they’d seen Bigfoot and then you could be on Finding Bigfoot. I would pay money to watch you confuse the shit out of Matt Moneymaker (yes, that’s really his last name).

  67. Admit it. You already own the dog wig, don’t you? If not,you should get a REAL yeti (but not a resin one) and shave it and make your own dog wig. If only yeti’s weren’t so damn hard to catch.

  68. In the Sponsored Products Related to This Item stream, several urns for ashes are shown. Nice to know these are available in case a sasquatch or some vagina tightening gel kills a member of my family.

  69. I have tears rolling down my face! And as a bonus as I went into my email account….there it is the amazon add for the Giant Big Foot! 🙂

  70. You can actually get the sasquatch a lot cheaper on a different website. I actually have the small one on my front porch, great conversation starter 😉

  71. I think that particular Sasquatch is a female and obviously she must be on vacation because she has her camera…lol I would so love to have that in the middle of my garden but I would definitely give her a big floppy garden hat! Lol

  72. Well, the chicken went missing from the opposite side of my state, but I’ll keep my eyes peeled for any mysterious shipments.

  73. There’s a popular cycling route near here in North Carolina that we call The Chicken because there’s a giant chicken statue we pass along the way, so when I saw that NPR headline I thought, “Someone stole our chicken!” Fortunately it seems there’s at least two chicken statues in NC because ours is in Wake County.

  74. What I didn’t see in the questions was if you could get a male or a female. And are they anatomically correct. I wonder if that is what the dog wig is for. Now I have WAY too many questions I need answered.

  75. Jenny!! Don’t forget that some men have vaginas (and some women don’t!) so this product was being extraordinarily specific in its audience!

  76. The gel is clearly for women only and transmen and afab nonbinary people are not allowed to use it.

  77. Congrats Jenny! Not every marriage can inspire chicken related romantic felony just for Valentine’s day. Clearly you and Victor are doing it right! I’m going to go google which anniversary is the yeti anniversary now cuz that is just screaming “I’d marry you all over again”!

  78. You prob already had someone say this, but in countries where women need to be virgins when married and men like virgins, yes, some people might like to tighten things up.

  79. … But did they find the chicken? There’s this whole story without a resolution! And did a sasquatch take the chicken? I feel like a sasquatch would have the upper body strength to pull that off…..

  80. Reverse Vaginal Tightening Gel. Hmm… Maybe for times when you wash your VaJayJay with hot water and it shrinks too tight? Is there such a thing as too tight?

  81. OMGOSH! (insert crying laughing emoji)

    True fucking story… I live 30 minutes from where the Patterson film was made. Bigfoot is “everything” here. Seriously. We even have a whole weekend of celebration, complete with deep pit BBQ, tractor races and logging events. Google “Willow Creek Bigfoot Days.” It’s ok, I’ll wait. LOL I, also, actually have that “statue”. Might just have to send you one.

  82. We found a big metal chicken!!!! But I promised Bill Meirink I would not buy one. I thought the sasquatch with the big metal chicken was ironic, The Blogess

    So this is on my facebook account and I have a really cool picture but I cannot figure out how to post it! It is a Big Metal chicken with a sign on neck “Biggest Cock on the block” AND a big metal Sasquatch to boot! Jenny come to St. Louis and I’ll take you there!!!!

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