134 thoughts on “Why I love twitter, part 80 billion

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  1. Following your Twitter feed has been one of the better decisions I’ve made in my life. 🙂

  2. This post was the only thing that just got me through math class. Where I lost yet another pencil. Beginning of the year and I’ve already lost 37 pencils.

  3. I’d like to add pencils to the list. My dogs eats one as soon as I put it down. She climbs on the table. Some day she’ll probably die of lead poinsoning!

  4. I have a foolproof system for finding any lost thing: buy a replacement.

    Well, I say “foolproof” but what really happens is I find the original, lose the replacement, then find it again 18 months after the window to return it has closed. By that time, I’m looking for something else that’s gone missing…

  5. I think the scissors are hanging out with my missing stitch markers, that earring I lost yesterday 5 min after opening the package in which was contained (they were birthday gifts from my mom, which makes me even more sad) and the darning needles that somehow have all managed to get lost in my house.

    OH..and that MP3 player I hid from my toddler son (who is now a teenager) that never reappeared is there too. Somewhere.

  6. shoes. Take them off downstairs, and they must walk upstairs in the dark (or using one of the gazillion flashlights we can never find AHA) and part beside the bed, just where you will trip over them in the dark because you can’t find the flashlight…

    you get old(er), you need reading glasses. between us we have at least eight pair, all of them interchangeable and apparently invisible. When they all disappear at once we’ve learned to wait a day or so, and soon they’ll start getting lonely and want to come out to play. You get up in the morning and there are suddenly five pair on the kitchen table, and three more by the toaster.

  7. The Pentagram comment is awesome. If my house burned down, the only thing left would be melted lumps of plastic from the hundreds of reading glasses that I have stashed in each room, yet can never find.

  8. You will find all of your scissors when your kids moves out. And you will find them when you are unpacking the boxes of crap they bring to college.

  9. oh, and screw drivers, scotch tape, and the big stapler. vacuum cleaner attachments. sometimes with the vacuum, as well. Well, it does have wheels…

  10. At my house it is pens that morph in and out of existence. My husband will buy an entire package and put them in a drawer, two days later, all gone. Then they will make reappearances in groups of twos or threes. At random intervals until they finally blink out of existence and we start the cycle anew.

  11. I’ve got a lipstick in each handbag and another on the bathroom shelf, in the hope that I may be able to find one when I need it. (You can put me on the map in South Wales).

  12. Scotch tape and anything my husband is looking for. We spent a half hour looking for a tool that “I just had” and found it on the floor in the family room. He swears he didn’t even go in there. It must have crawled, along with the tape.

  13. Glingle, glingle…. (Pratchett noise, for those wondering!) And the Scissor-Thief sprang into existence!
    (It made total sense to me. Sorry. x)

  14. And Sharpies. But that’s not a huge mystery. My kids steal them. I’m sure one day when they move out, I will find 379 random Sharpies under the bed and behind the dresser.

  15. It’s the gnomes. I found their best of socks, pencils, hair ties, scissors, and bits of paper under my teenager’s bed. I actually have one stationed in our laundry room so the others will think the sock stealing is already taken care of.

  16. Years ago I went out and bought a gazillion pairs of Fiskar scissors because they were the best. Now I’m down to two pairs. Only trolls or scissor spirits know what happened to all the rest. I also loose favorite pieces of jewelry in my house. I think those trolls stealing my Fiskars are also wearing my jewelry. Fuckers.

  17. When I was a kid I had a book that said that when you lose a sock, a clown finds it and uses it to put on their makeup. It pretty much scarred me for life.

  18. I can’t believe no one else mentioned spoons. I always end up replacing silverware sets when I get down to 3 spoons even though I still have a complete set of everything else.

  19. We lose nail clippers in stunningly large numbers. On the upside, the portal that keeps taking all your pens seems to empty out in my kitchen drawer. I have vintage ball-points from places we have never visited.

  20. My friend owned a laundry and collected a trash bag of socks that hid on the veins of the driers. Ok, so where do those dudes go in my home dryer? Sock monster?

    I suspect it lives in the same neighborhood as the computer gremlins that make computers go psychotic for no reason whatsoever

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  21. It was a lack of scissors in the kitchen while making dinner last night that caused me to use not one, not two, but THREE knives to open a bag of shredded cheese and then slice open my finger.

    I managed to finish making dinner AND not bleed on anything other than my shirt, and maybe the floor, because I may have done this before.

    And yet I never see scissors in thrift stores or antique shops. It’s gotta be an inter-dimensional thing. Does the Doctor whisk them away in the Tardis?

  22. Brandyn – we have your spoons! Hundreds of spoons (approximately) and three forks…

    Have you seen any of my nail clippers? I buy them five at a time.

  23. For me it’s scissors and tape measures of all varieties….and for some odd reason, right shoes. I blame the same gnomes that hide my keys…why they want my right shoes, I’ll never know.

  24. Jerry Seinfeld and “What happens in the washer? And, where do the socks go?”
    Jerry’s known all along. But he doesn’t address the subject of scissors.

  25. We moved 3 years ago and had a pair of those scissors you can take apart to clean. Perfect for slicing open moving boxes.
    3 years ago 1 of those halves went missing AND BY GOD ITS IN THIS HOUSE SOMEWHERE. We aren’t moving till I find that other half.

  26. Nail files, tweezers, and I am not kidding: 3 utility knives! I am convinced they grow tiny little millipede legs and run off when I turn my back. I have actually bookmarked “utility knives” in Amazon.

  27. On socks…LINGERIE BAGS, people! Toss in 2 socks, wash, dry, no missing socks. -knocks on wood- in this house, where did my fountain pens go? The good ones, the ones that cost in the 3 figures to purchase? Gah! Yep, fountain pens. Filled with pink ink because it keeps TheEngineer’s grubby paws off them. Of course that makes then attractive to house fae…

    I don’t have a cat, so the hair ties stay put. All over the damn house, because I am a long-haired Cat myself. 😉 Mama loses ONE earring, but that’s ok because I have an odd number of ear piercings and can always use another one!

    My position on missing items is house fae like shiney things, but scissors are most likely iron of some sort so they wouldn’t touch those. If it’s shiney and vanishes, leave out a bribe of good booze and ask for your item back, and YES it’s worked for me in multiple houses over the years. The absolute best “return” was when my daughter came down from her room after we’d set up a “return the missing jewelry” bribe…she came downstairs the next morning and handed me a pendant that she’d borrowed from me and lost while wearing it.

    Two moves prior. It was in a jewelry box that she did not own at that time. Cross my heart, it really did happen. We lost 4 socks at the laundromat that week and Did Not Care.

  28. One year for Christmas, all I asked my mom for was scissors. When she asked what sort I needed, I said ALL KINDS. It was glorious. Kitchen scissors, fabric and sewing scissors, I think I even got a pair of tin snips out of it. I try to keep them in a basket in my sewing cabinet, but they also live on my coffee table, in the junk drawer, in every knitting bag, in every bag which used to hold knitting…

    In my house, it’s chip clips which seem to scamper off on their own.

  29. Scissors and bobby pins. They tend to disappear, so I have designated spots for them, but then sometimes I’m working on a project or packing for a trip and when I come home there’s panic because I can’t find anything.

  30. I apologize, y’all. All the scissors end up at my house. I must have three pair per room. I’ll try to close the portal, but it may be beyond me…

    I can’t help you with the other stuff like pens and nail clippers. Mine stay put and I don’t have extras. It’s just the scissors. Scissors everywhere. At least if someone breaks in, I will always have a weapon handy.

  31. I lost my mind. Never got it back. If anyone finds it, you can keep it. Damn thing never worked right anyway. Something about biochemical, neural, disfunction, mental illness such and such. I think somebody told me it was depressive disorder and gave me a bunch of psychotropic drugs to exist on. Fuck it.
    RIP Tom Petty You were the real deal.

  32. Thank you. In a world of hurricanes and mass shootings these posts about disappearing scissors and wormhole morphing tweezers is sanity I desperately need.

    In our house it is nail clippers, although my knitting needles apparently went on walkabout last spring and haven’t returned yet, so if anyone has seen some vacationing knitting needles in a handy plum pouch, please remind them that winter is coming in Idaho and I HAVE THINGS TO KNIT….

  33. How many of you have received the lids that fit my Tupperware through the wrinkle in space? Can we meet somewhere and trade around?

  34. OMG I thought I was the only one with the missing scissors curse… IT’S A CONSPIRACY! A conspiracy of scissors. Also, I am resolving right now to reactivate on Twitter. I may stop following anyone but you because I always lose these threads among the flotsam and jetsam of my previous Twitter networks… Huh. I wonder if the scissors and socks are part of that floating debris?

  35. All the Tupperware lids have come to portal to me, because I can never find the containers to go with them. The portal is taking my bobby-pins and hairbrushes and giving me random lids in exchange.

  36. My purse creates pens. I wondered one day why my purse was so heavy, opened it up and there were 19 pens inside.

  37. I have begun making a housewarming present of a drawer organizer or caddy of some sort filled with all that stuff no one can ever find: scissors, both kinds of tape, sharpies, postage stamps, a flashlight with batteries, extra batteries, including a 9v for the chirping smoke detector…. Now I know tweezers should go on the list!

  38. What the heck? I access your feed through Feedly, and it displays a quote from Trump from The Washington Post, and Victor replying “That was fucking insane.” I was wondering what was going on, so I clicked through and you’re talking about fabric scissors (which I can empathize with; my wife just went through an episode in which her upstairs scissors disappeared, despite assurances from the other two people in the house that they hadn’t touched them. We figured it had tp be the cats. God knows what they’re doing with them.

  39. Omg I love you people, so glad I’m not alone.
    Pens have sentient magic ink of some kind because they reappear but only when the ink is dry and you’re on the phone and need to write down the passcode to all passcodes in order to save the world.
    And batteries. New fully charged batteries slip out of their wraps and mingle with the depleted batteries so you can’t tell the working ones from the non working ones that you can’t throw out because they will poison the earth, recycling won’t take them, and your county or boro will only accept them during a vernal equinox every third leapyear at a location three hours away between 11:30 and 12:00.

  40. For those who are missing pens, they may have ended up with my dad. When he died, we found a huge drawer filled with pens of every shape, size, and description. Pink ink would not have deterred him apparently. We had so many that we considered putting the drawer on a table at his viewing and funeral with a sign telling people to take one to remember Bert…

  41. Johnners, I think he must work with Anoia, the goddess of things struck in drawers. After all she needs to get the metal for those ladles and egg whisk that appear and jam your drawers even though no one ever bought them.
    I’ve got a fun variation on the reading glasses, which mostly just dissapear and not reappear at my house. My fibro means that I need different strengths on different days, and so if I can find a pair its the wrong strength.

  42. All my good jewelry is gone. Not the fake stuff-oh no that’s not good enough, so I thought I’d be sneaky and buy a jewelry box just for the good stuff. Now the whole box is missing. All I’d accomplished is giving “them” a handy container so they could take all my good jewelry at once and save themselves some trips.

  43. Tape measures. We can never find a tape measure until just after we needed it. This pretty much holds true for any measuring device, despite having a special drawer in the garage for the metal ones and a special drawer in my sewing cabinet for the fabric ones.

    If it wasn’t for my brother telling me that dollar bills are 6 inches long I’d never know how big anything was.

  44. Oh, and reading glasses. I once bought 20 pair of cute reading glasses because they were on clearance for $1.00 apiece. I have one pair left. Oh yes, my friends, there is a conspiracy going on.

  45. I manage to keep track of scissors and hair ties and earbuds, but I keep losing pillow cases. How is that even possible?

  46. OMG people! Just put your scissors, tweezers and bobby pins in a foil wrap in the freezer and label it “Diet food”. NO ONE WILL TOUCH IT!

  47. I love you all. Seriously. This made my day. The knitting needles are most DEFINITELY in the room of one of the residents I take care of at the nursing home. Her bedside drawer produces knitting needles and yarn at a rate that bewilders all of the staff, myself included. If it wasn’t for her disappearing underwear we’d be out of room entirely.

  48. How to keep your scissors secure from your husband … store them in a feminine hygiene box.

  49. Cat pillers. We have some bitey cats when it comes to pills and although we must have AT LEAST five of the things, my husbands fingers are proof we can’t find them.

  50. My grandmother passed away recently and we are cleaning out her house. I’ve found ten pair of scissors so far. You’re not alone. 🙂

  51. My scissors stay put but the spoons and the nail clippers disappear at an alarming rate. However, anyone missing forks? They are at my house. We somehow end up with additional forks. I have no idea where they come from. (*All different patterns of silverware)

  52. And St. Anthony is not helping any more: It is understood the saint began ignoring prayers over three months ago, leaving many Catholic worshipers in limbo when trying to find missing objects.

    “It used to be important things like trying to help find lost souls, or people who have gone missing,” Saint Anthony stated, “now it’s all ‘find my iPhone this’, ‘where’s my car keys that’, you people are absolute time wasters and you can all go find your own shite from now on, as I have had enough of your ungrateful bullshit. Not once have I received a thank you prayer in my 900 years working for this piece of shit religion,” adding, “I’m out”.

  53. Mine is burts bees chopsticks. I bought 30 in bulk and now I can only find two. Plus I’ve been looking for my copy of Microsoft office for two years. It just vanished 🤷🏼‍♀️

  54. PS – IKEA has scissors that are so big and so good that it’s almost impossible to lose them. Almost.

  55. I have a pair in nearly every room, in a very specific place. When I have to cut a thing, I go to where the scissors are. Scissors don’t leave. If I need to leave the house with scissors, I take my Leaving House Scissors which are hidden in another very specific place.

    Hair ties, on the other hand….
    I’m developing the habit of only ever putting hair ties down in a box in the bathroom, and if I’m not in the bathroom, I wear it on my wrist until I eventually get there. But when you share an apartment with a long-haired fellow, it doesn’t work if only one of you is CONTROLLING YOURSELF. WHERE ARE MY WACKY HAIR TIES.

  56. I have time traveling barrettes. I had a barrette vanish for about 2 years and suddenly pop up in a basket in my kitchen. One vanished into a wormhole and appeared in my new purse that I bought AFTER it vanished. Oh yeah, and all of my pens at work vanish almost as fast as I get them. They really don’t like to do the amount of writing I have to do. They NEVER come back the lazy bums.

  57. Pentagrams are a protection symbol, not a curse. It’s more likely the scissors made a pentagram to protect themselves from the black hole and it worked bc you found it, then broke it and sent them all back to the abyss. This is why we can’t have nice things yall.

  58. When we downsized from our 2900-sf house to an RV two years ago, and I went through all the drawers, I realized that I thought we were out of bandaids at least 17 times in a 5-year period.

  59. I can never find fucking scissors, tweezers, ponytail holders, or my son’s soccer socks. Ever.

  60. My stepmom posted a funny rant on facebook about how they always lose nail clippers. I sent them a pack of nail clippers ananymously via Amazon. Smartass for the win 🙂

  61. I bought my college ring three separate times bc I kept losing it. The damn thing cost $300 each time! The last time I lost it, it was on the counter behind the shelf. I was sure the cat probably batted it under the stove or fridge. six years later when I went to move I moved the stove and fridge hoping to find the ring. Nope. It must has fallen to the upside down.

  62. Packing tape. And my utility knife. But we have plenty of scissors. My MIL had exactly two pairs of scissors; one in her sewing box that no one was allowed to use and one crappy little pair in the dining room drawer. For Christmas one year I gave her an assortment of scissors. Passive-aggressive much?

  63. Heidi I think you have my fork! I misplaced “my” fork awhile ago. It was a lovely slim fork with flowers on the handle, thus assuring my husband never used it. The weird thing is I’m not exactly sure where it came from either. Hmmm maybe the portal works both ways? I had to go to goodwill to find a replacement (but I still miss my fork).

  64. Such as any tool out of my roll away tool box that my wife decides she needs, but will never be seen by myself ever again.

  65. 30 years ago, when I got married, my gifts included 2 sets of silverware (1 for “special times” and 1 for everyday), a set of dishes for 4, and a set for 8, and 8 Tupperware cups. 3 kids and 2 moves later, I now own 3 spoons, 1 fork, and 5 butter knives from the “special” silverware, 6 spoons, 0 forks, and 1 knife from the everyday stuff, 1 bowl, 1 plate, 3 coffee cups, and 2 saucers/small plates from the 4 service set, 2 bowls and 3 plates from the 8 service set, and 3 of the Tupperware cups. I have no idea where all that stuff went. I thought I’d find most of it in my kids’ rooms after they moved out, but I only found 1 fork in my daughter’s room and it didn’t come from any of our sets. We use Styrofoam cups and plates, and plastic utensils now. It’s just easier.

  66. When I went out on maternity leave last year, I came back to find someone had taken my keyboard and mouse, but I now have 3 pairs of scissors.

  67. I put hairbands on doorknobs. Whatever room I’m in when I free my hair from its elastic/scrunchie prison, it goes on the door knob. My kitchen had no door so no knob, I found a cute vintage crystal knob at a flea market and screwed it to the wall next to my sink. I use carabineers on all my scissors which I attach the custodian key ring to. You know the one they had on their belt that looked like they were pulling a rip cord when they pulled their keys out. I gorilla glued Velcro to the custodian key thingy and the inside of a drawer. There is a pair in each room and you can only take them as far as the key thingy let’s you. Nail clippers and tweezers are another thing entirely. I pretty much buy a new set of each once a month. So, I have like 30 gougey things and nail files and the toe nail trimmers that come in the little manicure kits but no fingernail clippers or tweezers. My sock monster wizened up after I started using a lingerie bag to wash socks in. I now have a basket of Mateless socks because I only wash pairs. Their mate never show up so they are being snagged before they hit the washer. I give up eventually and just start using them as dust rags or sweat rags when I’m working in the yard. I even cut a few up and turned them into a pillow cover for the cat.

  68. (Let me preface this with please excuse any typos or GSP mistakes please. I live in LV and I haven’t been able to spell or type correctly all week.) Somehow in my last move, I managed to misplace a George Foreman grill. I had it before I moved, now I can’t find the damn thing. I want my George Foreman grill! How do you lose a George Foreman grill? Why can’t I stop saying George Foreman grill?

  69. I feel kind of left out that I don’t lose tangible things around my house, only my sanity and sometimes my will to live…. Also, I totally don’t understand how people lose tweezers? Everything I want to tweeze involves a mirror so ergo the tweezers are the bathroom since it has a mirror. Am I misusing tweezers?!

  70. This is so much golden truth I feel like standing up and applauding. Lately in our house it has been the tableware. Which we bought at Crate and Barrel after our house fire a few years ago. Which I agonised over, spent weeks deciding on. And now we are reduced to a few forks and spoons and almost all the knives (which look like scalpels, they are so cool!). Of course nobody knows where they have gone. I constantly give the 20yo the beady eye, but he’s impervious.

  71. I can see my scissors from here. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

  72. Mine would be hair claws. The inch-long ones with hair grips to hold them in place. And, their little legs which break off ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Maybe just their legs. The clips eventually get thrown away when they are at 50% leg capacity, but I never can seem to locate all the missing legs…

  73. My husband can’t stand clutter and is one of those “everything has a place” people. (He once put all the tools away I was using to work on my bike. I took a break to eat lunch and wasn’t finished with them yet!) The problem is “the place” is never the same and ever evolving. After the umpteenth time of not being able to find ANY of our scissors, I lost it. Damn near every room now has scissors, including the garage. If any of those scissors are removed from where they’re kept in that room, you better be damn sure to put those scissors back in the same fucking place you found them. I have lost literally hundreds of hours of my life, looking for things that have been “put away” so I can finish a specific task (think tools/materials). I love the man to death, but seriously dude, put things back exactly where you found them. sheesh. (We now also have multiple hammers and pliers … a set of which I keep hidden.)

  74. My husband owns an office supply. He brings home tons of free samples. Heaven on earth!

  75. My biggest thing is nail clippers (and back when I was crocheting, size G (4mm) crochet hooks). I buy them two or three at a time and then can never find a single one. I told my ex-husband that eventually our house will be saturated with nail clippers and we’ll be able to just put our hand down on any flat surface and find a pair of nail clippers there.

    We haven’t reached that point yet.

  76. You are all wonderful! I have to tell you how to find things. You must say out loud (in earshot of someone works best); ” Where are my scissors??” or nail clippers, hairbrush etc…
    Then it will magically appear.

  77. I sew. I knit. I cut hair. I can never find any fucking scissors and, if I do they are dull. I have written threats on the handles. I have seen people read the threat ” fabric only. If you use these for anything else I will stab you with them ” and then take them out to the yard to trim bushes. I have used those little thingies that people with real jobs keep their ID badge on – the retractable cords- and hooked them to my trimming scissors and then to myself and yet they still vanish.

    However, my favorite scissor story is this: I worked at an embroidery place. It was myself, two girls and the brother of one of the girls. We took, stole, and lost each other’s scissors constantly. There was conflict. There was yelling. The other three were Mexican so I suspect there may have been swearing and name calling – but I couldn’t understand them if there was. Finally, one day, Norma gave us each a small rubbermade container with each of our names on it. She said jeep your things in here, I don’t want to hear about misplaced or stolen scissors again. So we did. I left that evening at the same time as everyone else. I came back the next day – I started an hour later than everyone else. The only thing left in my box was a paperclip. I sontneven know where the paper clip came from.

    Also- I had a brother in law I especially disliked and I was a hair dresser at the time. I carried my hair shears in my sweater pocket whenever he was around. On the off chance he may try to like hug me or something and I could yell ‘ help! He is attacking me!’ And stab him and claim self defense. Alas, he knew enough never to get within arms reach of me

    P.S. the second pillow case of a set disappears with the second sock….

  78. Motherfucking nail clippers….although I know for a fact one of the damn cats hides them….

  79. Wow, I just realized I have THREE pairs of scissors in my pencil cup. How the hell did they get there? Maybe one of those pentagram scissor thieves left them here!

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