Victor left for Japan this weekend so that means I have to be an adult this week and I promised him that while he was gone I would yell at myself to meet my business deadlines and throw away the cheese wrappers on the counter and a variety of other things that I forgot almost immediately. I am however, keeping him in the loop through my instagram:
I didn’t actually buy the teddy bear though because when I tried to put it on the check-out lane it didn’t fit and as it went down the conveyor belt he knocked over a shitload of magazines and Juicy Fruit and people were staring and I was like, “JESUS, BEARY MANILOW. I CAN’T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE. YOU HAVE TO STOP DAY DRINKING” and then I ran away.
I don’t know if this is a real word or just a small child learning how to curse but it was scratched really high so I think it was either an adult or a baby with a knife standing on the sink. Also, I like how the mirror gives me holes in my hands like Jesus.
Life is an adventure, y’all.
108 thoughts on “I really blossom when left alone. Until I set the house on fire and the credit cards get canceled.”
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You’re the MOST fun when Victor is away. I think you need to buy Beary Manilow, just for the name. You crack me up.
Does it say “shitfuck?” To me it looks like “shhfuck,” which, I’m pretty sure, is a synonym for the kind of sex you have when you’re staying in the room next door to your in-laws bedroom.
Beary Manilow would be an excellent addition. Unless any of your other pets are humpers…it might be traumatizing all around for Beary to be humped by HST.
Either Victor is glued to his phone for updates or he “lost” it until he has to leave Japan. Either way…keep up posting us on the adulting adventures. (You’re doing way better than I am at this stuff.)
I think Victor arranged for those road spider cats just to screw with you 🙂
I love the names you come up with and the amazing stories you tell.
You can’t dump Beary Manilow at the check out stand. He writes the songs that make the whole world sing. And also, he could come in handy when you put him in your front seat and drive in the carpool lane!
Was Beary Manilow your birthday gift for Wendi (with an i) Aarons’s 50th birthday?
(No. I bought her a torso. ~ Jenny)
I love Victor, so I don’t want him to leave you alone more often, but I really enjoy these adventures. Maybe dope him up on NyQuil and he’ll join in….best of both worlds !!
I wish I was shopping in that store near you (in a not so stalker-y way). That would have been the highlight of my day!
LOL I saw that bear in COSTCO.. my husband said NO! lol
124 people commented on your last post. If I conservatively estimate that about 10% of your readers leave a comment on any given post, that means 1240 people just witnessed that woman in pink dropping shit all over the check-out line.
I am bad at adulting. My husband comes home from work and asks inocuous questions like, “Did you drink water today?” And “Did you turn on lights or play music?” My answet is usually no, and then he teminds me I need those things tp function properly.
What if it was not two cats disguised as a spider but a spider disguised as two cats? And if that spider got friendly with two other cats, what would the offspring look like? Would those cats be able to climb up buildings? Or would they be more like just really self-centered spiders?
Ugh. I also can’t type, apparently.
OMG after one particularly bad row of days, ned decided I needed a big bear to fill up the space that he takes up in the bed when I am too sick to sleep in the same bed. I didn’t believe him. I was lonely and would cry a lot. I HAVE THE SAME EXACT BEAR!!! He now lives under a lot of laundry. I think he likes it there. Like hibernating under the laundry. At least when I am hibernating under the blankets I don’t feel so bad. I’ve been hibernating. Your bear post reminded me to come out more.
I can’t go away and leave my husband alone. He usually buys a major appliance or gets a hedgehog.
I want to meet the person who gets mad enough to carve the word “shitfuck” into glass. That takes effort. That takes dedication. That takes a practiced hand capable of gouging the words into the glass without breaking the mirror. You don’t get to that level by not caring.
My mother had a lot of kids in rapid succession. I believe that she misplaced one of them and you are my sister’s long-lost twin. Your adventures remind me of her, and I love that.
I bloody love you!!!
For a minute, I truly believed that you scratched that new word into your phone case.
My older son just bought one of those gigantic bears, but at a charity resale shop.
He is almost 23.
Was it over the top for me to tell him to Lysol the hell out of it, then boil it for ten minutes in rubbing alcohol?
Your life should be a weekly reality tv show. Way more interesting than the Kardashians 🙂
You need to buy the bear and good luck this weem
As much as I love reading about the adventures of Victor, I prefer reading what you get up to in his absence.
please please PLEASE go back and buy beary manilow!
actually, fuck it. tell me where he is and i’ll have him sent to you. with a nice bottle of wine (or two) and you guys can laugh and laugh about that time he trashed a checkout lane because he was so wasted on peach schnapps. and why’d you let him drink that much schnapps anyway? you know how he gets after just one glass and he had like ten plus the wine he snuck when you weren’t looking and…
okay. it’s possible that i’ve overinvested in your relationship with beary manilow.
Not only SHITFUCK, but the mirror also has MRSA! I hope you didn’t touch it…
When Victor is away the spider the size of two cats will play..or something like that.
You didn’t know about “shitfuck”? Gosh, you have to read Jim Bouton’s book “Ball Four.” Yes, I know it’s about baseball, but don’t let that scare you off – there’s one person in it who can’t go a sentence without saying “shitfuck” or “fuckshit” and it’s the highest of high comedy. He also states “pound the ol’ Budweiser” as a life goal.
I’m concerned that somebody also scratched in MRSA on the mirror. Was that a warning? Did you wash your entire body upon leaving that restroom?!?
I ugly laughed with chortling and snorting through all of this post..
The dogs and I go full feral when the wife is away. FERAL ON!
OMG this is exactly what I needed to end a day that started off so shittily. Thank you. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 😀
and how long is Victor gone….
And put Beary in Victor’s chair(s) while he’s gone then email V pictures and tell him he doesn’t have to come back
Sent from my iPhone
You can’t trust those giant bears. They are less responsible than you would think.
My husband won’t leave the country because he knows this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I would do, though will fewer bears and more Funko Pop! figures.
You have to go back and buy Beary Manilow! Beyoncé needs a friend, and they BELONG together!
I read that wprd as SHHFUCK, which is what I frequently stage-whisper to myself.
I legit thought your PHONE CASE said SHHFUCK. So, you know, if you need an idea for a new phone case to sell in your shop, there you go.
Did Victor take Nicole Squidman with him, you know, to keep him company (snuggle with) or toss out the window for shits and giggles?
You have to buy Beary Manilow. Best name ever
You always make my day brighter.
You see road spiders, I see the cat version of Human Centipede.
I also read SHHFUCK. If so, I’m guessing it backfires because scratching that onto the mirror was probably louder than the fucking itself. I really don’t want to think about people fucking in a gas station bathroom though. But I admit, I’m not very adventurous.
My husband always texts me “Behave’ when he’s away .. why does he bother??? lol
I’m gonna bet that bear introduces himself to people as “Bear. Bear Naked.”
You definitely need Beary Manilow — he could be Victor’s stand-in. Just put one of Victor’s shirts on him and pretend he’s always wrong! 😉
I wouldn’t even know what to do with that bear.
At first I thought you found a cellphone case that said “shitfuck,” or maybe a case that was made of blackboard material that you could write on, but then I realized that would make no sense because chalk would rub off like immediately.
Doesn’t look like shitfuck to me, looks like shhhhhfuck. As in be quiet and fuck, might explain the location of the text too
For a moment I thought the mirror said “shhfuck” – like being shushed forcefully lol
When I first saw “Shitfuck” on your Instagram, I thought it was on your phone case and I was like, “I WANT A PHONE CASE THAT SAYS SHITFUCK ON IT.” But then I realized it was a mirror pic and if the words was on the case it would have been backwards… unless you flipped it in a photo editing program, I guess, but who actually bothers to do that?
I read the second part of this to my husband and he said, “HEY!!! Someone stole my word! They can’t steal my word! I’ve been saying that word for 25 years.”
And he has.
He said he didn’t do it.
That mirror scrawling made me think of this:
Sounds like an exotic adventure furry spiders and all…
I love you so much! Please go back for Beary. Please. He deserves a forever home.
BEARY Manilow. 😛
I’m thinking the “shitfuck” writer was working on a cause/effect Bathroom Sex thesis of some sort. Because, MRSA. It only makes sense.
I LOVE your shoes in the Beary Manilow shot!!!! I had a pair exactly like that and wore them until they fell apart. They were from J.Jill and I randomly found a single pair of them in a Marshall’s somewhere…. sigh…. never to be found again. Also, I second all votes that Beary needs a forever home. –Rebecca from Canada
As a woman who once took a life sized skeleton through Target in the child seat of a shopping cart, I salute you!
They sell Beary Manilow’s identical cousins at Costco (and his tiny cousins, as well). He’s almost as large as our living room. I read an article telling me that women my age need to get rid of the plushies. I almost went and bought him just on principle. Which means, of course, you need that bear. Seriously.
The kids at camp named the real bear that kept visiting us Beary Manilow, too.
YOU WENT INTO A GAS STATION BATHROOM???!
OH GOSH!!! It’s Bear from Wilfred!!
I am so glad I’m not the only one who saw MRSA lower down under the SHITFUCK. Now I want to know if there are any other words we’re missing in that mirror, and if it really says MRSA or if it just looks like it does. It could have been. Mr. Sa or Mr. S.A. I’ve felt like writing shitfuck about a few guys I’ve broken up with now and then, so anything is possible.
I think you need to (a) buy Beary Manilow and then (b) mount him on Beyonce like they’re going for a ride. Then you take a picture and send it to Victor. Bonus points if you can put said picture into a different background so it looks like they’ve really gone somewhere.
That’s why I leave big stuff in the cart and make the cashier use the hand scanner.
I’ve almost forgotten what being alone feels like. The Viking and I live together AND work together so there isn’t much alone time around here. So, when he finally goes away for a long weekend, I lock the doors, pull the curtains and unplug the phone. My children even know to leave me to my alone-ness. Good on you though for going out and living in the real world. :o) Me and my inner introvert are proud of you. :o)
This may be my very favorite of your posts. I save them and reread them…You and your fans are HILARIOUS!
That cat is a complete shitfuck.
“SHHFUCK” was definitely written by an adult, and probably by one who works in the field of medicine. Babies don’t have enough experience with MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) to know that it elicits a SHHFUCK reaction.
Is Beary Manilow the grandfather of Ted?
“Shitfuck” has long been one of my go-to curses. I also like “shitballs,” “motherfuck,” and if I’m really upset, like if I walk into a wall, all the cuss words I know come out together like one long, magical stream of invective. “Motherfuckinggoddamnpieceofshitfucking wall AAAAArrrrrghhHH!”
Issues. I have many.
Why can’t we get road spiders where I live? All we have is the solid white cat that I’m pretty sure is impervious to everything and can even take down coyotes. And the last thing those coyotes hear before they perish is “Shhhfuck”.
My husband is also currently in Japan. The most exciting thing happening here is 3 cable guys in my basement at the same time due to an outage in the area, thinking I was the source of the problem.
Shitfuck is the beginning of my VERY ANNOYED SWEAR STREAM. It goes SHITFUCKDAMNASSCUNTWHOREBITCH! In case anyone else needs a swear stream.
Just don’t cross the swear streams.
That would be bad.
I totally need a phone case with shitfuck (or even shhfuck) scratched into it like some sort of badass.
One, I really needed this today, so thank you for totally reading the panic-waves from across the country 😉 Two, your books have shown up twice (!!) on my facebook feed…one, because some copies of Furiously Happy were donated to Worldbuilders for their yearly fundraiser/book lottery thing, and two, because Let’s Pretend This Never Happened is on Goodread’s list of 20 pick-me-up books: https://www.goodreads.com/blog/show/1057-20-favorite-pick-me-up-books?linkId=44530070
Now it’s time to visit the fireworks warehouse:). I mean, if you need to REALLY freak him out.
I thought you bought a new phone case that said “shitfuck”.
I have those ballet shoes too.
You are the type of person who should keep bail money in a hidden bank account, just like me.
Hmmmm, road spiders.
Adulting done right!
I laughed and laughed.
Texas does have some pretty big spiders! snorks We once heard one before we saw it. Eeek!
We bought a very big “Beary Manilow” for our dog. After several “play dates” we ended up calling him Spoogie Bear.
Beary Manilow!! I am dying!! And I’m pretty sure that’s the feline equivalent to the human centipede… D:
Well, for 89 bucks how do you not buy Beary Manilow? Day drinking or not.
I didn’t know they made stuffed animals that big!
My husband has banned my stuffies to the top of my dresser though, and if I put Beary (or his cousin) there, I just know I’d wake up in the middle of the night and think that someone was in my room and shriek. My husband has had enough of that lately – his nerves are a bit beat up by the dog’s shedding and fur is flying around all the time, and for me half asleep it isn’t fur, it’s obviously spiders.
I agree with emily – I thought the new curse word was SHHFUCK. And I was confused because shhhh implies we’re whispering but the all caps implies we’re screaming at the top of our lungs. So is SHHFUCK when you start off kind of quiet but it builds and by the end of the word, you’re screaming? Which I would spell ffffuuuuuuuCCCCCKKKKKK. But that’s a lot to fit on a mirror.
I can’t remember my life before I discovered you, Jenny. What was I like? Did I ever even SMILE? I mean, really. You are so awesome, and I’m so grateful to get to spin in my little orbit around you.
Victor really should know better by now not to leave the entire country…and btw, I first ran across shtf%$ck in the book Ball Four by Jim Bouton. Apparently it was his old manager’s favorite curse word. His second favorite was f%$cksht.
I just love you.
Shitfuck seems to be my swear word of choice when I instantly develop tourettes in a haunted house. True story.
But did you see this one? https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/teddy-bear-long-legs_us_5a0c5e13e4b00a6eece5b216
The next time I have to name something, I am emailing you for ideas. The last time I named something, it was a black and white (tame) rat I named harlequin. Turns out her real name was HARLEY, and boy, she was some biker chick. No racoon Vespa for her!
Furry suit in the making? Just cutdown the back, install a zipper, and you are ready to yiff. I too am unsupervised this week by the spouse, but the kid is keeping me in check. Mostly….
about you enjoying with sex, sometimes (irregularly), and may lead to cancer of the pancreas. I read in the book’s “I’m not sure never “, 2005 of Kazuo Isiguro; Nobel Prize for literature 2017 hehe! Try to go to the Church and await for him… so pretty!
Awh man! I really wanted an eight-legged cat! Those things are adorable!
The mirror scratcher also seems to be big on the promotion of super resistant staph infections…. /nerd
This has nothing to do with your post, but do you happen to read author Patrick Rothfuss’s blog? Random I know, but LONG story short, in going through books that had been sent to author John Scalzi, he posted a picture of himself with ‘some of his favorites’. I think you will LOVE the photo 😉 Scroll down the blog for it. https://blog.patrickrothfuss.com/2017/11/thousands-of-books-from-john-scalzi/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PatrickRothfuss+%28Patrick+Rothfuss%29
I’ve often wondered what people actually do with those bears. I’ve seen them at HEB and Costco, and I’m not actually sure how you’d even fit them in the car!!
I saw that bear in Costco and I was like ” I NEED THIS!” and my husband was like ” for what?” and I said ” FOR SEX” but I said it really loudly and like, 18 people turned to shake their heads at me.
Where did you find that Bear????? It is awesome!
(HEB in San Antonio. But I think it’s cheaper at costco? ~ Jenny)
Oh! Beary Manilow needs to follow you home! Say that it’s like the Velveteen Rabbit, but larger and it grows sharp and pointy teeth when forced to do other than what it wants!
Oh! I forgot the giant road spider! (How could I?) If I were to have encountered the creature, I’d have named it. Yes, I would, as it’s one thing that we chicks do is name things. For example, my first plant I named Cado. Yes, I was about 7 years old, and it came from an avocado seed that I’d stuck into a plant pot, not a pot plant. But this road spider, I’d have to name it Sleipnir, after Odin’s eight-legged horse. Of course, upon discovering that this wasn’t a giant road spider, I might have to dub each Slepnir, followed by a number, much as certain cats were named in the cartoon series of yellow people!
Too funny! I’ve seen videos on facebook with a giant spider scaring people. They were funny to watch! Sounds like you’re doing all right with Victor being gone. I hope he’s having a great trip!
I totally thought it said “shhfuck” like they were telling you to have sex quietly.
Well, how did they expect you to purchase Beary Manilow if they make their checkout aisles so small? GOSH.