Still not in jail, y’all!

Victor is still out of the country and I’m still documenting my days for him on instagram:

To be continued…

69 thoughts on “Still not in jail, y’all!

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I wonder if Bank of America follows you on Instagram just in case you come across a golden chicken you feel the need to purchase. I’m not sure if that’s good customer service or just plain freaky, honestly.

  2. I disagree totally, Doppelgänger! Bitch, everything IS totally about you, Jenny. You have to buy that chicken, before Victor gets back. Glad you’re adulting so well, without supervision. Keep it up!

  3. I used to have an orange tabby that had about 1,000 doppelgangers out there. Freaks me out to this day when I see one that looks like Hobbes (yes, named after Calvin and…)

  4. I would only be concerned if the golden chicken followed you to the lab. But if she did, make sure it is not a doppelganger chicken before you yell. And don’t say WTF.. chickens do not like swear words. Except for chickenshit. That word is okay.

  5. It could of been worse! You could of been in the linen section of Bed Bath and Beyond buying towels!

  6. Screw the golden chicken — did you find a chocolate (martini) waterfall??? 😉 I wonder if Dottie knows she’s not alone…

  7. Did Victor tell the credit card company he was going to be out of the country? Because sometimes if we go on vacation even within the U.S. our credit card company will call us and say, “Are you REALLY staying at the Howard Johnson’s in Podunkville?” Pretty embarrassing to have to say “yes” to that.

  8. My friend in the UK and I have the same cat – I understand your confusion. Her husband wanted to know how I was posting pictures of their cat?

  9. Victor, stop raining on the happy fun parade. Seriously. Run back and make an offer for the chicken!

  10. I don’t instagram sorry… I am confused by pets at places of business. Also my sister really thinks I need your wisdom in my life. She bought me a metal chicken! What the actual monkey fuck am I supposed to do with that?

  11. Here is my question? Why would someone chain up a huge golden rooster anyways…
    Does it run away? Is the person that owns it taunting someone who wants it? I am being serious I would like to know why it was chained to the tree…..

    (Oh, it’s for sale at a store that doesn’t want me to steal it. They also have several bronze cows and a full sized bear. ~ Jenny)

  12. Every time my husband went on a military deployment, an appliance, automobile, pet, or child found some way to go sideways.

    He’d probably have assumed that “I’ve got a golden chicken” was a euphemism for something far more sinister.

  13. When “they” said cats have nine lives maybe they meant cats are living nine separate lives. This would explain lengthy disappearances.

  14. And when does Victor come home again….

    (Next week. Unless I buy the chicken. Then I suspect he’ll just start a new life in Japan. ~ Jenny)

  15. I’m picturing some kind of giant-chicken-King-Midas scenario. Can you imagine the havoc that chicken wreaked before it was chained up and turned to gold (probably by wizards)?

  16. Knock knock motherfucker!!! Love your adventures and you keep me smiling when I want to crawl in a hole, way to make it, woman!

  17. Who is this ultra arrogant purveyor of Golden genitalia?? Golden throne is one thing, for one must crap with dignity. But a golden cock? That’s just Uber self absorbed.

  18. If I owned a Chinese diner, I’d put in near the buffet, watching the patrons. “I saw all the food you took from the buffet- it’s in your purse. Pay up, chickenshit.”
    And maybe Dorothy is hesitant to mention some of her “relations.” She may have a past you don’t want to know about, eh?

  19. Well, you’ve got about 71/2 months until you need an anniversary gift for Victor. You could crowdfund that chickie in less than a month! Who needs credit cards? You have us and we appreciate inventive gifts.

  20. I don’t want to sound paranoid but I wonder if Victor told B of A to alert you if you considered purchasing … certain things. …

  21. I got up yesterday morning and decided I need a goose. A white goose made of wood and it has to be 3 to 4 feet tall. The Viking said “What the fuck do you want a goose for?” I didn’t have an answer for him – I just need a goose. I’m sure there is a very good reason for wanting a goose but my brain hasn’t let me in on the secret yet. Maybe I want to give it to The Viking as a gift? At this point, I’m just concentrating on finding the perfect goose and I let the rest of it take care of itself. I’m not even kidding.

  22. I think it’s hilarious how many times your bank has done that because of the weirdness you buy. You’d think they’d be used to it by now, huh? Also, is dogs-in-doctor-offices a new craze or something? My mom’s kidney doctor has two very large Dobermans that wander around the office, first time she saw them she freaked out.

  23. I say we all pitch in and buy this for Jenny!
    Knock knock mother fucker!
    Beyonce needs a man….js

  24. My local antique mall has two full sized bronze bears which I desperately yearn for. But they’re really really solid bronze, expensive as fuck and weigh a million pounds each. Plus the girl that works there says everyone keeps cutting themselves on the razor-pointy claws. However they would definitely keep the drug-addled young creeps from trying to steal my husband’s truck again. I’ve tried not to name them as I know I can never own them BUT if I win a lottery those fuckers are going in my front yard, HEAR ME NEIGHBOURS???

  25. My Naturopathic Doctor has a very large poodle named Luna she brings to her office. Luna is gorgeous and very well behaved. The first time I met her, I thought she was a statue. Until she moved. And I screamed. And she barked. And I screamed louder. And damn near peed my pants. Which wouldn’t have been good because I had to give said Doctor a urine sample.

    I told her to stop bring her statue dog to the office, or post a note on the door saying the dog was alive, so people like me wouldn’t freak out. I don’t understand why she thought I was strange.

  26. I can only assume that Victor IMMEDIATELY called the card in as stolen so as not to come home to a yard full of golden chickens.

  27. Just to clarify, so you say you’re not in jail. Are you bragging or disappointed?

    I’d say more, but I have to craft a toga for my 8-y-o to wear to school for his toga party. As one does.

  28. If hubby doesn’t come home soon my daughter and I are gonna need to rent a referee. Any tips on how to ‘lose’ a magic eight ball? It’s becoming a problem. Yesterday it proposed to her. Last night it lied to her about the future and started a crying jag.

    Do you have an alternate card for food and chickens in case of emergencies?

  29. That same chicken, only not gold (which, I guess means it’s not the same chicken), lives on my road, next to a hornet nest as big as a Morris Mini.

  30. Well. They saw you coming when they chained that rooster to a tree, didn’t they.
    Still a hacksaw and some patience will probably get it free. Do you have a truck though?

  31. The only notification I ever get from my credit card company is when I try to buy something classy. I bought my niece a silver platter from Bloomingdale’s for her bridal shower and the bank flagged it as “unusual activity”. But turn me loose on Amazon at 2 a.m. after a drink or five and apparently buying pants for my cat is totally legit.

  32. That is indisputably amongst the largest cockerels I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing chained to a tree.

  33. That is one big giant cock.
    Hard as gold, tied down by mother-earth.

    Tough life

  34. Thanks for creating website and just for being you. I’m in the deepest stage of depression I’ve been in a long time and actually attending an inpatient program. I manage to lesson my anxiety by reading a chapter of your book on our break. Then I try to push out my daily suicide attempt.

  35. Did you guys tell Bank of America that Victor was traveling so they wouldn’t freak out that someone in another country was using your card?

  36. I love how you find humor in everything! Thanks for the chuckle. And that chicken would look awesome at the end of my driveway! 😉 Just sayin’

  37. I want to know why the chicken is chained. I mean, how EXACTLY do they expect someone to steal a GIANT GOLD CHICKEN?!? Even if you could lift it, do you really think no one is going to notice?

  38. I totally did the same thing with a cat. I heard a horrible catfight at 1AM outside my living room window and saw my neighbors cat getting into it with a raccoon. I saved her, valiantly rescued her in my pajamas (incurring countless scratches) and brought her back to her owners across the street. I knocked on the door and told the sleepy man that I had his indoor cat all rescued and safe, to which he answered “You mean THIS cat?” and immediately produced its twin. Wow…the chagrin.

  39. You know how people find out that their indoor/outdoor cat will go live at someone else’s house when they’re not at your house? Maybe Dorothy Barker has a second family. And you just fell for the oldest soap opera trick in the book: “IT’S JUST HER LONG-LOST TWIN”

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