I wrote this whole post and didn’t once make a joke about getting a little head. YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.

me: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day?

Victor:  Nothing.  What did you get me?

me:  ALSO NOTHING.  This is why we make such a good couple.  Because we get matching gifts for each other literally without even trying.

Victor: High-five.

me:  So since you didn’t actually get me anything…

Victor:  And here it comes…

me: …I was just thinking that I found something I want and it’s only $25 so if you want I could buy that and it could be my Valentine’s present.

Victor:  And it’s?

me:  A human head.

Victor:  *sigh*

me:  But it’s a fake one.  See.  LIKE, HOW DO I EVEN CHOOSE THE BEST ONE, RIGHT?

Victor:  JESUS.  By “best” do you mean “least likely to eat your face while you sleep?”  I think I’d rather you get a human head.

me:  You can’t get a human head for under $25 unless you go out and make one yourself and you know how much I suck at arts and crafts.

Victor:  So what do I get Valentine’s Day?

me:  The joy of making me happy without having to do any work?  The shared ownership of a cool-ass doll head?

Victor: *more sighing*

me:  A frugal wife who isn’t making homemade human heads at the kitchen table?

Victor:  Hard to argue with that one.

me:  No one ever has.

148 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Far right, obviously.

  2. I reckon it’s win win if Victor goes out and forks over $25 for a human head for you. Better than dinner or a box of chocolates!

    Gary recently posted Oven roasted scotch fillet steak with cheesy creamy vegetables Meater review.

  3. I don’t often side with Victor but when it comes to creepy dolls’ heads…I think I may have to.

  4. So….which one?

    (The one with the crown. Although they are all lovely in their own way. ~ Jenny)

  5. You make him (and us) laugh. That’s everything.

    Burns the Fire recently posted All is well.

  6. It’d serve him right if you did start DIY-ing your own human heads.

    Then again, you don’t want him to suddenly take it upon himself to make one for you, so just get the one with the tiara and then YOU CAN ALSO WEAR THE TIARA SOMETIMES! Bonus!

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted I’m Easy.

  7. Can you buy the “Unusual Novelties” sign? Because I need to hang that above my bed. A single girls needs all the help she can get in the romance department.

  8. I like the one on the far left with the huge glasses and interesting expression.

  9. I’m kinda partial to the baby with the glasses and the wicked ‘fro making the O face myself. LOL
    Happy Valentine’s Day!

    mommatrek recently posted Thanks, Stitcher.

  10. These are stone-cold terrifying, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

    Nicola recently posted That time I sat on a man’s head while surfing.

  11. There is a hairy palmed hand and no one comments?!? IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU PEOPLE.

  12. Hope your Valentine’s day is full of human heads. Real or fake. Real might get you arrested though

    Amanda recently posted Moving in Slow Motion.

  13. You and Victor have a good marriage. 🙂
    I would just want the sign. Very cool sign. but the best head there is the one with the pink tassels
    around the neck.

  14. Princess Taylor Swift in the middle there doesn’t even look weird at all. *buy them all. you can’t break them up.

    DayLeeFix recently posted Don't Look Back - (But Totally Look Back).

  15. 15
    CreatingTheRoad

    I second the head with tiara. Because bonus tiara! 🎉💖

  16. https://goo.gl/images/7qqL85
    Also, Happy V-D! 😀

  17. I’m sorry but a creepy doll head might be a deal breaker for me.

    theycallmetater recently posted A Short Rant.

  18. Happy Valentine’s Day, Jenny! (and Victor, and Hailey, and Dorothy Barker, and creepy heads on the wall…) 🙂

  19. You have to get the one with the tiara both because of the tiara and also because she is cutest.

    shannonbrennanetc recently posted Ladybugs and leprosy.

  20. Tiara one looks like Taylor Swift. Does it sing?

    I think you need the one with the glasses, though.

  21. Also, you can put the tiara on the animals and/or Rory.

  22. 22
    Suzanne Smith Henley

    Happy Valentines to the two of you

  23. 23
    Kathy L Dorff

    What will this regal lady be called?

  24. The one with the hat on

  25. I hope Victor gets you the creepy head, but on the other hand, I enjoy all the other little projects you post on Instagram, so seeing a homemade craft human head would be pretty awesome! I’m sure it would be Pinterest worthy!

    Kat recently posted If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, Clearly I Ate The Donuts Instead.

  26. I want to know what the doll was doing that caused it to get a hairy palm. That then fell off. I feel like the doll head right behind it with the glasses and open mouth probably saw whatever happened.

  27. and the winner is YOU! Loved the post. Thank you for reminding me what this Hallmark holiday should be about…making the ones you love laugh.

  28. lmao i love you 🙂 that is hilarious <3 my hubby and i high fived each other for waking up in the same roof this year as our gift lol #lowmaitenancelove

  29. Since it is Valentine’s Day I would go with the one on the left with the red glasses. Plus, the look on her face kind of looks like she startled herself.

  30. It’s not towels

  31. My brother-in-law often trades his artwork for other people’s junk. And once when my sister was cleaning the garage, she found a bag full of Barbie arms and legs. No explanation was ever given, not that you would want one.

    Nancy recently posted Taking Sides.

  32. Wow – that would make an EXCELLENT night light. I’m thinking the one on the far right with its mouth open. Pop those eyes out and Voila! I love it!

  33. That CROWN. Tell me you’re getting the one wearing the crown AND the crown!

  34. I asked for flowers to be delivered to work, but so far nothing. I’d settle for a human head at this point. But because I’m really mad, I sent him a Valentine’s card and a gift card to Chapters/Indigo so he can feel even worse. Winning even while I’m losing…

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 177: My Favourite Bathroom Stall and Other Questions I’ve Asked Myself.

  35. The far right. I never thought I’d be voting that way.

  36. Someone once gave me a big dead frozen fish. Like, an unwrapped dead fucking fish. It spent the rest of the winter on my balcony. A head really doesn’t seem so bad.

    the incurable dreamer recently posted the twinkle of possibility.

  37. My husband gave me a sweet-lovey-dovey card this morning and I gave him one that read “you’re like an onion ring in my order of fries” and I THOUGHT that was ridiculously romantic because of HOW MUCH I love onion rings but you wouldn’t know it by the expression on his face as he read it. That’s it, next year I WANT A HUMAN HEAD, MISTER.

  38. I do have to say you went in an entirely different direction than I was expecting. When its Valentines day and your blog is about getting a little head!. Happy Valentines day Jenny and I hope you get your artificial human head.

  39. @mydangblog….me too. Love my husband to pieces, but honestly, he stinks at presents, cards, flowers and chocolate. I just buy them for myself. Except the flowers. I don’t want the florist to judge and feel sorry for me.

  40. Far right because someone has to love those with vitiligo. And, it goes without saying, the hairy palm for Victor because of romance.

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Shredding the Gnar.

  41. My husband and I agreed on no presents also. So he took me to Red Robin for a Bailey’s milkshake yesterday and he bought me a bottle of pink Moscato today. Apparently he likes me pleasantly liquored up. #winwin

  42. get the one with the crown – although she looks a bit like taylor swift

  43. The one with a crown is for sure Taylor Swift.

  44. To be fair, you can DIY a human head. It just takes 9 months to make and 18 years to get rid of.

  45. I’ve always found that the biggest problem with making human heads at the kitchen table is disposing of the rest of the human when you’re finished… or, so I’ve heard.

  46. Happy Human Head Day

    Kathleen recently posted Love & Grief.

  47. My favorite part:
    me: A frugal wife who isn’t making homemade human heads at the kitchen table?
    Victor: Hard to argue with that one.

  48. $25 is a steal for a little head!

  49. My husband gave me a hedgehog for Valentine’s Day and I named it Cuddles. It’s a plush one, not a live one because they aren’t cuddly at all. I should know. Hubby had a hedgehog once named Codger. All it did was snarl and rearrange the furniture in its habitat.

    Janet Coburn recently posted Fed Up With Telemarketers!.

  50. You’re obviously someone who doesn’t appreciate a peaceful night’s sleep. Or you’re one of those black widow women who secretly wants his heart to stop when he turns a corner and comes eyeball to eyeball with that thing.

    iwannabealady recently posted Embrace Your Feminine.

  51. 51
    Cassiee EscalanCassie

    My husband and I are celebrating our Valentine’s day the same way…minus the heads of course!

  52. Being single I usually buy myself something. But today I got a $350 water bill, the last one was over $700. I hardly use any water, now I want that swimming pool I don’t have. Turns out the meter reader guesses (wrong). An hour and twenty minutes on hold I never got anybody at the water dept. but was promised a call back that never came so I drive to downtown and stood in line . Another promise. Yeah sure. And parking cost $10. Happy Valentines Day😖

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  53. again, you are someone after my own heart with the dolly heads & all, & our valentine’s day goes similarly, mr dad forgets valentine’s day, buys me the toy or oddity i crave, & then i cook him something, usually a pie.. the secret of 32 years of marriage? lols..

    ghost recently posted happy valentine's day!!.

  54. I would totally go with the Taylor Swift princess head!

  55. 55
    Joseph Passarelli

    And all the talk about a little head and not a mention of the Eleaphant head (so to speak) in the room) … Probably why I would have been given the hairy palm and told “Shut up, Joe and go away.” Just sayin…

  56. I just want the sign “unusual novelties”, that seems appropriate for most situations.

  57. I like the one on the left that looks aghast. It would make great company at weekly staff meetings.

  58. Far right is the best in this case. Colbert stole your baby, there’s a smaller one right there with a free skin condition/zombieism.

    Wolf of Words recently posted Valentine’s Day 2018.

  59. I’ve met you already, I hope one day I can meet Victor. I love your conversations!

  60. Again, I just adore Victor…and just what are you going to do with your “little head”…

    The Hellion recently posted 10 Things You Need To Stop Doing…Now!.

  61. Polka dots

  62. THE ONE WITH THE CROWN!! And then send me the crown because I can’t get enough crowns. The Viking put a Throne on the back of his ATV (it doesn’t actually look like a throne but I sit quite high and it FEELS like a throne) and when I sit there I can tap him on the head with a Scepter when he displeases me. I haven’t tried that yet but someday. I found a gorgeous over-sized throne in purple velvet at a Canadian/USA border store and The Viking literally pulled me out of the store – it was probably a Crown Royal Whiskey chair but it was awesome enough to put in my house. It’s not because I’m uppity. I’ve had low self-esteem (and a lot of emotional abuse) for my whole life until I met The Viking and crowns keep me from sliding backward. It works for me.

    Mrs. Completely recently posted Lady Sitter vs The Viking.

  63. I saw this and immediately thought of you!! https://www.facebook.com/bowwowmeowww/videos/1802547203160960/

  64. I just skimmed through the comments and of course, I’m the only perv who thinks the little one on the left with her mouth in a “O” is ready to give a little head…seriously??? I can’t be the only one…that is a seriously creepy doll (your choice with the crown in cute and not at all creepy)…but the open mouth…who thought that was a good idea?

  65. Goddess. You are a goddess🌹

  66. Clearly the man for you. I traded wine for chocolate with my husband. Everybody wins.

    pokerpilgrim recently posted 6 Travel Mistakes You Don’t Want to Make.

  67. The one with the Tiara looks like Taylor Swift. I ALMOST called it creepy, but I feel like that is implied.

  68. For sure the one with the crown. She’s all Taylor Swift-ee. ❤️

  69. The one with the tiara! Her face says I’m interested in what you are saying (but I’m also judging you!). I also kind of says, “Bitch, I do not play…don’t make me take off this tiara.”…so obviously you HAVE to pick her.

  70. The one on the far right – it is saying please buy me, mama.

  71. Really? You want the one with the crown? Baby is VERY upset at mama.

  72. I like the one with WTF face on the lower left.

  73. Have you ever done/posted a video of a house walk-through?

  74. 74
    Karyn Doherty

    I want them ALL!!

  75. We don’t do Valentine’s Day either. Um… nor do we do doll heads. Or human heads.
    I did, however, find the perfect fridge magnet last year. It reads:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I’m drunk
    Make your own dinner

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted At long last, we have new flooring. Now let’s hope it lasts a long time..

  76. Surprised looking curly headed on the far left – that’s the one!

  77. That man is an ever loving saint.

  78. The one with the glasses is my second fav but lest face it the one with the crown wins. Ps Jenny you made my day

  79. Valentines’s Day is also my birthday which makes it easier/harder for my husband. I’m not quite sure. Either way he knows it would be ridiculous of me to get him a present on MY bday so I get a pass.

  80. I’m curious as to the final destination of “bodiless tiara girl.” What do you plan to do with her?

  81. My daughter’s been making super-creepy doll faces for fun since she was little. I wish I could show you one – I’m sure you’d love them. And it gets better: They’re bite-sized : )

  82. Bite-sized doll heads sound like a fabulous thing!!!!

  83. They are lovely. I have a small doll head in my car. I had a larger one that was from a baby I had as a baby but it just freaked my son out too much. Anyway – I think the one with the crown looks like Taylor Swift.

  84. Good choice. Not sure how he’ll top this present next year. I cannot wait to see what you make with it!

  85. 85
    Endymion Napping

    Get Tiara Taylor and her whole squad, because the fun thing about a gang of disembodied heads is how they come to life at night and roll slowly around the house looking for new bodies. Bumpity bump bump! (Pro tip: it’s best if the whole household sits up all night nervously shining flashlights into the dark corners in case the heads decide they’d look better on your bodies than the heads you’re wearing now. Come morning your family and/or animals might look … different. Or maybe they’ll be normal, but looking at you with transfixed gazes of horror until you put your hand up to your strange, heavy little head and wonder whether or not to look in the mirror.)

  86. Oh my my! Win-Win!

    D.S. Lucas recently posted Wolf Moon, Morning Boon, Grateful Dead Croon – Part I.

  87. All together they kinda have a ‘cheering crowd’ feel to them.

    Nomads By Nature recently posted What Do You See.

  88. Thank you 🙂 crown lady seems least likely to “eat your face off in the night” …We hope

  89. 89
    Suzyhomewrecker

    I vote for the one who looks like Carol Channing. Her eyes are wide with horror (or surprise)
    And her face is cracking. (Next to tiara bitch)

  90. 90
    Cynthia Turner

    Don’t you just love it when the universe reminds you that you chose the right person? I think Victor and you must have a pretty great relationship. It’s not every man who reacts relatively calmly when you mention wanting a giant baby or a big head!! My husband is like that, too. Only, I think he doesn’t pay much attention when I talk, so maybe…. ah, well. We were talking about Victor. Happy VD, my favorite bloggers!!!

  91. 91
    ocularnervosa

    I’m not going to say anything about the hand with “fuzzy palms”.

  92. I love how Victor is just so used to your weirdness by now. Am I the only one who thinks the head with the crown looks like Taylor Swift?

    heather26r recently posted Random updates.

  93. The surprised one with the wig and glasses. How is this even a question? (Though it would make a fantastic poll on Facebook.)

  94. I am definitely of the opinion that the head you picked looks like Taylor swift lol

  95. I do wonder what your search history looks like? You might want to clear that sucker before the cops come, which I suspect they will eventually.

  96. I vote for the one that looks like Glenda the Good Witch 😁 with the crown.

    SewGeekMama recently posted Be My Valentine! Oh wait, I saw Pinterest, I can do better..

  97. The one with the crown looks like Taylor Swift!

  98. Can this really be a part of someones valentines gift!!

  99. TAYLOR SWIFT! ACK!

  100. Thanks for reminding me that no one ever got ME a human head for Valentine’s Day. Once again, the day of hearts and cupids leaves me disappointed.

    becomingcliche recently posted Possum Living: My Frisky Bitz Bring All the Cats to the Yard.

  101. I ADORE your conversations with Victor! They’re very similar to the ones I have with my husband 🙂

  102. I was going to say go for the little one with the glasses and the mouth open in surprise, or shock … but then your “little head” comment popped back into my head and now I can’t look at that doll the same way. Would probably still vote for that one though!

  103. ‘I’m sorry, Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because she’s a head.’

  104. You got the least creepy one of all! Maybe because it is a Valentines day gift and not a Halloween gift!

  105. Traumatized baby with the glasses, but you must get the baby werewolf hand also. You can tell they are a bonded pair.
    OR, the old, crumbling flapper head, with the open, yet dead eyes (she’s seen too much in her lifetime). Her satin hat is to die for. She’s parked by Princess Swift.

  106. I like the little one, bottom left. Love that expression!!!

  107. I’ve obviously been shopping at the wrong stores!

  108. Love this!!!

  109. Ha, this is hilarious and your points are all so valid!

  110. I think ANY of them will look lovely with your monkey hands……

  111. “me: You can’t get a human head for under $25 unless you go out and make one yourself and you know how much I suck at arts and crafts.”
    Bwahahahaha!! I laughed a little too hard at this. Should I be worried? ?? 🤣🤣🤣

  112. Love it. Very logical.

  113. I can’t wait to hear what you name the new addition to the family.

  114. I think Victor might be the one trapped in “Black Mirror”. And I don’t actually find the lack of a little head joke to be a plus, dammit!

  115. 115
    Heather Moran-Botta

    The one with the crown reminds me of Taylor Swift.

  116. My mother in law was admiring the lovely potted cyclamen her son had given me for Valentine’s Day. When she asked what kind of plant it was, before I could answer he pipes up with
    “Chlamydia!” (He is as good with plant names as I am with electronics, but 20 years later we are still married.)

  117. I love your books and every post.

    However, there is a special place in my heart for your conversations with Victor.

  118. The one with the glasses is awesome!

  119. The one with the crown is clearly a Taylor Swift knock off. You’ll need to name her accordingly.

  120. Love how you two celebrated Valentine’s day, Jenny! I also love that you didn’t mentally booby trap him and you told him what you wanted. Everyone wins.

    As for the photo you posted I have to say that Mae West looks a little guilty. I think she had something to do with whatever happened to the hairy hand. Also the fragile looking doll to the right of Princess Taylor Swift looks like Miss Havisham to me.
    I think if dolls could talk she would be scarily jealous of you and Victor…

  121. The crowned one reminds me of Hailey.

  122. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that thought the one with the crown looks like Taylor Swift.

  123. […] via I wrote this whole post and didn’t once make a joke about getting a little head. YOU’RE … […]

  124. Oh my God! You guys are hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh today!

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Show me the Love.

  125. 125
    Diana Tallent

    You could bid on the whole lot and take them all off the person’s “hand(s)!” Ha!!! But for real, what is that in the hand? Human hair? Doll hair? Fur? Do inquiring minds really want to know?!?!?

  126. Great writing. It kept me intrigued.

  127. 127
    Karrie Kamke

    Hey Jenny, I understand this. We had some friends that had a head (that used to be a mannequin head) and they used to bring it with them when they would visit us. It didn’t have a name – we all just referred to it as “the head”. We moved, our friends divorced, and I don’t know what happened to the head but it did bring us many fun filled moments. Hope it works out for you!

  128. I like the random hand that appears to be holding a tuft of what is most probably doll pubes. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2018/02/10/this-app-gets-me/

  129. I have a baby doll’s porcelain hand sticking out of a teacup, and a porcelain baby torso with a pair of glass eyes standing on the neck, under a glass dome. I want a head too. Your so lucky.

  130. I’ve actually gotten a former lover a human skull once. Now I feel weird lol

  131. I love you everyting perfect

  132. ‘Getting a little head’ would fit so much better if it had to do with shrunken heads! But, hey, larger heads might feel self-conscious, so …

  133. The little one on the left next to the severed hand has a disturbing inflatable doll vibe.

  134. Please tell me you’re going to attach them to strange things like that next-door neighbor in Toy Story – wait no, I just remembered that that kid was terrifying and evil because he tortured those toys. What exactly are you doing with these heads again?

  135. You find the coolest shit! How do you do it?

  136. The one wearing the crown looks like Taylor Swift. #cannotunsee

  137. Dying…. a little head 😂👌🏼

  138. 138
    David in Havasu

    I believe that one would most aptly express your position, as the wife of the regal domain you rule, with such elegance and grace. Just saying ! P.S., might also make a great cover picture on the front of your next book. There by being sorta of like a two for one gift.

  139. The crown one looks like Taylor Swift so it seems like a no brainer.

  140. Hahaha love the conversation…. Which one did you pick?

  141. The logic here is flawless. Like Regina George flawless. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t used the same approach. Very effective. I’m taking notes.

  142. Oh good God, those are almost as creepy as the marionette clown dolls my mother used to hang from the bar in my childhood home. shudder They still haunt me in my nightmares…

  143. So happy that u and Victor r together! I make a great couple and love to read your commentary Q:where did u learn to write so unconventionally ? Marie a serious fan

  144. I want head…I mean A head! Way better than a box of chocolates.

    Brandy Wilcoxen recently posted All I Wanted. (Happy Freakin Birthday To Me).

  145. The one with the crown looks eerily like Taylor Swift. I say the one in the back with makeup running down her face.

  146. You’re buying Taylor Swift’s head? Yes?

    (Yes. ~ Jenny)

  147. I think the first on the left is perfect for you…just think of all the things she could be saying/screaming.

  148. Tahnk you for sharing

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