me: What did you get me for Valentine’s Day?
Victor: Nothing. What did you get me?
me: ALSO NOTHING. This is why we make such a good couple. Because we get matching gifts for each other literally without even trying.
me: So since you didn’t actually get me anything…
Victor: And here it comes…
me: …I was just thinking that I found something I want and it’s only $25 so if you want I could buy that and it could be my Valentine’s present.
Victor: And it’s?
me: A human head.
me: But it’s a fake one. See. LIKE, HOW DO I EVEN CHOOSE THE BEST ONE, RIGHT?
Victor: JESUS. By “best” do you mean “least likely to eat your face while you sleep?” I think I’d rather you get a human head.
me: You can’t get a human head for under $25 unless you go out and make one yourself and you know how much I suck at arts and crafts.
Victor: So what do I get Valentine’s Day?
me: The joy of making me happy without having to do any work? The shared ownership of a cool-ass doll head?
Victor: *more sighing*
me: A frugal wife who isn’t making homemade human heads at the kitchen table?
Victor: Hard to argue with that one.
me: No one ever has.