Why are there penises all over the garage: an attempted explanation

In the last week a series of weird things happened and it’s hard to for me to write right now because there are a million (4) people in my house tearing out cabinets and walls because of the flood damage so I just put it on instagram but people were still very confused so I’m taking a second to update you on how I defended my house from snakes with penises.

First, this from a week ago:

View this post on Instagram

Jesus. Christ. You guys.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Later that day a lovely person on twitter was like, “Hey!  You got the bag of dicks!  They were a gift, not a threat.”  (And in fairness they are lovely to squeeze, especially when you’re silently glaring at some dude who is being a total asshole.  Also, they don’t have that weird chemical stink like most of them do, which is nice.  (The squishy toys, I mean.  Not penises.)  And they were so awesome that I stuffed a handful of them in my purse to give to a friend, but before I saw her this happened…

(Trigger warning: If you have a fear of danger noodles just skip to the caption.)

And then I clarified in the comments that it was very small and nonaggressive.  And then I had to clarify again that I was referring to the snake and not the penis.  And also that I was lightly whacking the snake, not the penis.  And if I’m being honest it was actually several penises that I left behind me in a trail as I chased it out through the garage because my purse was stuffed with them and it was open and I was dropping shit out of it while I was whacking, like I was Hansel & Gretel if Hansel and Gretel used adorable severed penises instead of breadcrumbs.

PS. A breakdown of responses to my Instagram video: 70% said it was a helpful snake that would kill pests. 30% were like, “BURN THE HOUSE TO THE FOUNDATION AND SALT THE EARTH SO NOTHING EVER GROWS AGAIN. 1% wanted me to adopt the snake, and if I did I would have named it ‘Hisstopher Columbus’ because he didn’t seem to give a shit that SOMEONE ALREADY LIVES HERE, DUDE. Almost everyone thought I’d buried the lede and just wanted to know more about the penises.  You are welcome.

PPS. Apparently they’re called dindings and you can buy them here.

PPPS. Hisstopher Columbus is fine and I saw him this morning in the yard but he was next to the tree that always has that owl in it and now I’m afraid for it but I don’t want to pick it up so I just stood outside stomping my feet really loudly to scare it toward a safer part of the yard and my neighbor drove by and it totally looked like I thought I was pretending to be Godzilla and I wanted to explain that I was just trying to save Hisstopher Columbus from himself but I figured that would just make things worse.

145 thoughts on “Why are there penises all over the garage: an attempted explanation

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Absolutely not the point of this whole thing, but I just wanted to register the fact that ‘danger noodle’ is the best name for a snake I have ever heard, and I pledge never to call them anything else even though I volunteer at a zoo and sometimes have to carry them around the reptile house.

  2. Amazon is having a problem with people getting gifts they didn’t order. Don’t understand the whole thing but apparently now whoever sent you the gift can go in and write a marvelous review about them. Some people are taking it really seriously.

  3. I will come and get the snake for you if you need me to. But you are wise to try to keep it around. They eat a LOT of rodents. I just woke my adults up from hibernation, and the male at 3 rats in 5 minutes, and he would have eaten more if I had offered.

  4. Hisstopher Columbus may have confused the squishy penises for his distant relatives. Perhaps he is just trying to reconnect with his family. You may have to adopt him after all.

  5. I think that if you had more than six penises in your purse, that it would be excessive. But five or six is just fine.

  6. It’s nice that the tiny penises have little buttocks as well. I’m not entirely sure it’s anatomically correct, but meh..

  7. Your Ps, pps, etc. are as much fun as Terry Pratchett’s footnotes.

    (That is the biggest compliment you could ever give me. ~ Jenny)

  8. Yes because I am THAT person:
    Snakes aren’t poisonous. They’re venomous.

    If you bite it, and you get sick: poisonous
    If it bites you, and you get sick: venomous.

    I love snakes 🙂 Even the venomous ones…from a distance.

  9. A Danger Noodle named Hisstopher Columbus. You have no idea how happy this makes me.🐍🐍🐍

  10. Wow. What a week!
    I found a bull snake in the house one winter when it was worm-sized and released it the next summer. He hung around the yard for years! I got used to handling them. My neighbors used to call me to carry them out of their yards!

  11. I don’t know how you do it but you turn shitty things going on in your life into a casual comic strip! I always know that when I need to force myself to smile, I come to your blog or Twitter and a loud chuckle comes out! Thank you!

  12. Oh how I love you. I couldn’t decide if ‘danger noodle’ was referring to the snake or to the penii (penises?).

  13. I llove this so much I want to tattoo the story on my pale flesh. Thanks for the story and your likely unintentional effort to make me feel less crazy pants.

  14. oh great. I clicked on the link. Now Amazon is going to start recommending penises to me.

    Love the story. And Hisstopher is a very pretty snake.

  15. My bloodsugar is high so i’m having moodswings up the wazoo… Just now over dinner I was crying because…? No idea. And now I’m reading this and my husband sees me clap my hand over my mouth and tears streaming again… He’s all concerned and I’m laughing about a trail of little penisses. He’s got a lot to put up with. And now I want dingdings.

  16. Oh, man, flood damage is the WORST. We’re in north Texas and have been fighting with our apartment for a week over what is going to be done and what NEEDS to be done following leaks in our walls, aside from setting a fan in the room and then not showing up again for days.

    Long story short, they’re about to rip up my daughter’s wall to replace sheet rock, drywall, and insulation, and also the carpets and pads still need to be done. Everything is gross and I want to drink heavily.

  17. We used to have a pair of garter snakes that lived in our window well. They disappeared when the lawn service poisoned our yard and killed half our landscaping. Fun times.

  18. Do you need more friends? I ask because I totally need more friends like you!!! Thanks for always making my day brighter with your sense of humor.

  19. Must’ve been a relief to discover that someone sent a bag of penis’s/ peni (?) as a gift not a threat. Good grief! I would’ve freaked but the snake is fine and you should be careful that you don’t get reported for challenging a tiny snake with your dicks, though.

  20. Just as an FYI you can buy a very long snake stick on Amazon for not a lot of money. Snake sticks are poles to move snakes safely, not sticks that look like snakes. They are easy to use and don’t spread penises everywhere.

  21. It’s always good to have a plausible explanation for having multiple little penii. Mine will be that Jenny Lawson has some so I had to get them.

  22. You are the BEST thing that’s ever happened to me! After a lifetime of being told so much crap and feeling bad about myself, you get me, and I love your style! You are clever and hilarious.

  23. I love your snek story! I do love danger noodles, but when they’re anywhere near me, they are sneks. I need a bag of dicks in my life today. I would have one in each hand and squeezed them tightly and repeatedly.

  24. My husband once outsmarted a little bitty snake. It must have had a brain the size of a grain of sand, but he was still proud of catching it. It was tiny and bite but seemed to have no teeth.

  25. Man, tons of penises often begs the question: from whence did they come? The answer, at least in my professional experience, is typically a profusion of very cheap, light beer with the word “ice” or “best” in it… sometimes both.

    badparentingweb recently wrote something that’s going to blow your goddman mind, and penis, right up (and it has to do with the teacher strike): https://badparentingweb.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/steee-rike/

  26. Right as I clicked on the link to the Amazon dingdings, a coworker was introducing himself over the phone to a Mr Dong. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

  27. Note to self: Stop following links on The Bloggess’ page, Amazon already thinks you are weird.

  28. My husband works next door to Topco. For those that don’t know, they make/distribute sex toys. When they moved in next door I guess it was a much smaller facility than the last and they were literally throwing stock out into shipping container sized dumpsters. Brand new stuff. There were these flesh like life size rear ends meant for sexy endeavors, they threw out DOZENS of them. Inside the box were these tiiiny little pussys, about 1/4 the size of a deck of cards. They were so you could feel what the product felt like without actually touching and contaminating it. Anyway, I had a fish bowl of tiiiiny pussys that EVERYONE asked about. I feel your pain.

  29. Because people already live here, DUDE, best line of the post. Also very apropos of explorers in general. High five!

  30. They don’t ship to Canada, my dreams of having a purse full of squishy penises are ruined.

  31. I’m in the ‘burn it to the ground and salt the earth camp’ That said, Hisstopher Columbus is hilarious.

  32. This makes me wonder if you imgur, because danger noodle is what we call snakes there, too. And the bag of tiny dicks is just the cutest thing I’ve seen in ages!!

  33. I <3 sneks. I’d love to have one as a pet but I’m not really all that good at keeping pets who aren’t cats and/or hamsters and/or rats alive.

  34. As a child, I once read that you could tell if a snake was venomous by checking the pupils of it’s eyes. A round pupil= safe snake. A slit pupil (like a cat’s) = venomous snake. Do you know how TINY a snake’s pupil is?! By the time you could tell what kind of danger you were in, you could have just picked the darn thing up, and found out the hard way! Don’t know much about snakes where you live, but here in PA, no poisonous snake has any horizontal stripes. How do you tell when the snake is all black? Dunno. Maybe check his pupils? (don’t mind that bite mark on your face). Seriously though, Hisstopher is a beauty. Check with the Agriculture extension , or forestry service in your area for an ID on his species

  35. Probably the best thing I have read in a long time. And I read, like, a lot. You’re my hero for not killing the snake, too!

  36. Thank for the laugh over danger noodles and tiny, severed penii. Laughing out loud at work in the break room is the best! Also, and FYI, in case you didn’t seeit, embiggen was added to the dictionary this year.
    Dumpster fire. It’s not just for GIFs anymore. It’s in the dictionary now, along with embiggen, mansplain, glamping and 850 other new words.

  37. For Anonymous, who said “As a child, I once read that you could tell if a snake was venomous by checking the pupils of it’s eyes. A round pupil= safe snake. A slit pupil (like a cat’s) = venomous snake.” NOPE! I only keep non-venomous snakes, and they have all different kinds of eyes, including slit pupils. If you’re not sure, just leave it alone. Cobras and rattlers are obvious but there are other venomous snakes that look a lot like non-venomous snakes. OTOH, in most neighborhoods the garden snakes are non-venomous, like Hisstopher Columbus.

  38. How you managed to chase a snake, drop some penises, and get a video amazes me–I can’t multitask anywhere near that well. Also, Danger Noodle would be a great name for a new kind of canned pasta–I know I’d eat it!

  39. Maybe you should but the giant metal chicken out by the tree to scare the owl so it won’t eat the danger noodle. Would that be a scareowl or a chickenscare? Or a danger noodle security system? Maybe shaking the bag of dicks in that general direction? There’s so much happening in this post…

  40. What a series of fortunate events. Every incident just melted into the next like a serendipitous wonderland of story telling. That’s the short and thick and the long and skinny of it!

  41. I was absolutely SURE that “danger noodle” referred to penises.
    …and what does that say about me? Don’t go there, 🙂

  42. I’m glad someone explained danger noodle. I assumed you were talking about the penises.

  43. You didn’t just get a bag of dicks, you got a bag of chodes! For my
    40th bday my friends went all out with the dicks. They got a baker to make me cookies – a bag of dicks, penis ice cubes, a mug with hidden “floral penises” and dick confetti. We spread that shit allll over the hotel

  44. When my daughter was 5, she had a friend down the street named Stephanie who was also 5. I point out her age so you will understand she didn’t have the best artistic skills. SHE WAS 5! One day I walked down to their house and saw Stephanie’s mother, garden hose in hand and hosing down the driveway. But she had just started so by the time I got there most of Stephanie’s chalk (thank goodness, her mother thought) artwork was still on the driveway. She had drawn many, many “horse heads” but interestingly they resembled penises and testicles. Many, many penises and testicles!

  45. OK…I was just vetting the awesomeness of the vagina references in FURIOUSLY HAPPY when I received an alert about little cute jelly like penises. Coincidence??? I think not! I am sending my personal team of sky writing spider monkeys to Jenny as my own touching way of saying thanks for allowing my brain to have the company that it so well well deserves. My spider monkeys all have valid passports so they can sky write in western Texas…or anywhere quite frankly. Hooray for spider monkey minions! And Jenny…who’s book/s stay under my pillow when I wake up with panic and terrors.

  46. You never fail to make me smile and leave me inspired that this world is amazing and hilarious after all. Thanks, Jenny!

  47. Perhaps Hisstopher Colombus was jealous that he doesn’t have a dingding of his own. I mean a real penis, not a squishy version, and that’s why he hasn’t left the yard. He’s hoping to bring his fellow nope ropes together into some weird protest until someone provides him with a prosthetic penis to call his own. Or not. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just wanted to talk about penises. Penii? Dingding? le sigh

  48. Thank You! You live a weird and wonderful life and are so gracious for sharing. I needed a danger noodle tiny penis hansel gretel purse whacking adventure. I am going through some big changes in my life that not fun even though the outcome will be good. Having you as a constant happy reminder that it is possible to keep going through all the shit even when your brain is an asshole who hates you is the best thing ever!

  49. Diamond heads are supposedly venomous. But frankly with the amount of coverage you were giving that guy he would have given you some kind of warning. The scales also tend to be brighter and more noticeable than your average snake. If we could have warnings like that for everything in life, lol:)

  50. I can’t stop laughing. Danger noodles and tiny penises. This is the best thing I’ve read in days. Thank goodness I haven’t seen a snake in South Florida. I’m told they’re gigantic and dangerous – which seems to be the way things go in tropical climates. Snakes, not penises. Maybe penises. I haven’t seen enough down here to make a call on how big and dangerous they are. Are penises dangerous?

  51. You remind me of my mother-in-law…in a very good way. She was a marvelous woman, but sure could come up with some off the wall funny stuff. 🙂

  52. Interesting that they’re described as “stress relief hand wrist toys.” (The penises, not the danger noodle.) I think that is an apt description.

  53. Until I read the comments, I thought “danger noodle” was in reference to the penises (penii?). 😂

  54. Omg. Bless you for the trigger warning! I am terrified of any and all slithering reptiles. Team burn it down and salt the earth all the way! But I must say, I am so delighted to learn the term “danger noodle” that I am actually looking forward to the next opportunity to use it. Perhaps you have found the key to decreasing my anxiety – pleasant name substitutes……..but I’m still burning down my house if a danger noodle gets inside.

  55. I was trying to tell this story to my 14 year old daughter and when I said that the snake’s name was Hisstopher Columbus (which was in fact why I was telling her the story in the first place) she exclaimed: “You shouldn’t name a snake Hisstopher Columbus – that’s racist! Christopher Columbus actually killed a ton of native people!” I said that while he may have been a racist, I didn’t see how it was racist to name a snake after him, but she wasn’t having it. She said “That’s like naming a snake Adolf Hissler!” Which I thought was very funny and now I will never look at any snake the same way again. Nor will I look at a squishy toy the same way again, though we have so far stuck to fruit and cake squishies in our house.

  56. I so do love reading you. I rarely comment, you have so many followers! I’m so glad I’m one of them.

  57. Oh you need to look for a taxidermied penis dressed as Daenerys Targaryen! That would be fabulous!

  58. “Hisstopher Columbus” is BRILLIANT – especially for the reason provided!! Thanks for the link to see what exactly you were referring to. They are actually kinda cute in a weird earless Easter Bunny kinda way. You could stuff your eggs for an adult hunt I guess?

  59. This item does not ship to Canada. It’s a good thing that I really didn’t want any. I was just curious or so I say.

  60. It’s a good thing you chased off Hisstopher Columbus. Next thing you know your place would have been renamed to “Hisspanola”!

  61. I love you so freaking much. I was literally going into an anxiety attack when I started reading this and just laughed so hard and got tears in my eyes and let some of that anxiety out and I feel so much better now. Thank you and your bag of dicks. And the snake.

  62. I remember Danger Noodle from the 80s. Great New Wave band.

    Jenny, snakes are wonderful. The nonpoisonous kind, that is. I once had a king snake (with my blessing, not accidentally) slither into my jacket’s arm, poke its head out at the collar, then slither down the other arm and out. Perfectly harmless.

    I’d love to get a king snake to put in my attic during the winter, to eat all the mice, except snakes are cold blooded and it would probably die.

  63. You should open a side business naming children for couples that can’t decide on a name…such great names.

  64. Well, that’s way cooler than the Amazon gift I received last week. All I got was stupid charcoal toothpaste accidentally sent to my address. (Doesn’t work. I tried. I had meth mouth for days.)

  65. This video taught me how to respond to people staring; something I’ve not been good at for my whole life. I love how you returned the look and raised your eyebrows at whomever the creepazoid was. When I duck and avoid their dumb staring it just gives them permission.
    Some autistic stuff recedes with age, I’ve learned (from reading “Look Me in the Eye” by John Elder Robison, who’s himself the older brother of “Running with Scissors” author Augusten Burroughs) but returning the stare with a raised eyebrow and head shake was a fast -and needed- lesson for me on holding one’s ground. As always, my thanks. Never know what I’m going to learn here!

  66. Please tell me you are going to be writing another book about all of these events. PLEASE????????(Actually, make it an audio book because it is better when it is read in your voice)

  67. Thank you for making me laugh Jenny, that was priceless. I love that you use PS, PPS, PPPS – the only time it bugs me is when someone accuses me of copying you. Damit, I’ve always done that… I’m glad you like the snake, snakes are very cool except when they bite you.

  68. If the neighbors ask you were trying to scare a snake away from your yard. There is NOTHING strange about that. Although you’re in a state with a stereotype that your neighbor would offer to come over and shoot it.

  69. I nominate Aussie Gary (commenter 45) for the next coloring art theme:
    Australian Danger Doodles.

  70. I don’t even like snakes but now I want a Hisstopher Columbus of my own. Also, I love you. That is all.

  71. Okay, but how weird would it have been if he had slithered away with one of the penises? Or if he had eaten one? That probably would be incredibly dangerous, but the idea of a snake with a penis-shaped bulge is now stuck in my brain and I can’t get it out.

  72. Maybe someone already said this but I received my 3 tiny squishy penises in the mail today and upon close inspection I see they also have tiny butts! Complete with buttcrack and cheeks!!! I am wondering if these little dicks also come in other skin tones, as these are terribly pale!

  73. The items on the: Customers who bought this item also bought : list for the penis squishes are killing me….
    squishy penises with helmets, gold confetti balloons, ‘Cocktastic! Colorful cocks: Willies in Art? A hilarious & naughty coloring book’, Thigh high black boots , and a banana stress toy!

  74. I have a paper Napoleon Penis on my dresser, as one does, and my youngest son walked in, looked at it, looked at me, said “Y’know what? I’m not even gonna ask”, and walked out.

  75. I have a paper Napoleon Penis on my dresser, as one does, and my youngest son walked in, looked at it, looked at me, said “Y’know what? I’m not even gonna ask”, and walked out. In other news, Napoleon Penis kinda needs a name if any of y’all can think of one?

  76. Things are simpler in Tasmania – sort of – because all danger noodles (not a term I ever heard in childhood, but I suppose we were pretty much so un-multi-cultural we hadn’t really heard of noodles – mum put pineapple and sultanas in ‘curry’, and not in the right way) are Really Quite venomous. You would only attack them with disembodied penises if the penises were very long and quite hard, and even then it’s illegal (probably several ways) these days and you would get a big fine.

    In another way it’s not simpler, because the thought process (usually on holiday at the shack) goes something like “A VENEMOUS, PROBABLY DEADLY, SNAKE!!!! ….And no one can kill it and save me. I’ll call the snake catcher, who is about 3 hours away and probably won’t come, and costs a lot, and by the time they get here it will have gone under the shack and they’ll do that thing of looking at you while you say ‘I thought it was here…’ and meanwhile the snake has moved to the woodpile (we’re never heating this place again) and working out how to kill the dog. [That bit I’m not kidding, 3 dogs were killed by snake bite in the bush behind the dog-walking are of the beach last year.] [Well, actually I’m not kidding about any of it, but that bit probably sounds least credible. Maybe.]

    Before that law came in about not killing them, there was always a lot of activity when a snake was found around a home. When I was about 15 and smart enough to just watch from a window, a rather large snake had made its way into the laundry (probably after the swallows nesting above the doorway) and, counterintuitively, found that it was pleasant to curl up in the warm machinery of the freezer. Dad needed help to dislodge the snake from the freezer without putting himself at ridiculous levels of risk, so called on the family down the road, who ran a trucking business, including log trucks, so were in the bush around snakes a lot. There happened to be a friend staying with them, Mr Howsell, in the same line of work. Oddly enough, frequent exposure to something that might surprise and kill you tends to breed a certain level of enmity. It’s probably mutual.

    So, about 4 guys show up, aged from about 35 to about 60, and all the contents of the laundry – kids’ bikes in various states of collapse, fishing rods, ironing boards, buckets… – are carefully extracted and strewn around the sandy ‘lawn’. The flyscreen removed, a rope is looped around the freezer and they start to drag it across the floor. The snake makes a break for freedom, out from the freezer, out the laundry door, down the two concrete steps and across the yard towards the men. The guys all scatter, leaving Mr Howsell – in ‘stubby’ shorts and thongs (that’s short-shorts and flipflops to you foreigners) which afford NO protection at all – flailing at the snake with a broom handle, using words I’d never heard before in inventive combinations. He killed it, too, which meant that he was regarded by all of us as awesome, but a little insane.

    So then they all had a beer and discussed the successful hunt, whilst the wives put everything away again and made dinner, much like I imagine the men of the tribe have done for thousands of years.

  77. I giggle-snorted at “when I was lightly whacking it” because apparently I’m a 12 year old boy.

  78. when i clicked on the tiny penis link, amazon offered me a coupon for 20% off deep cleaning. i’m not sure what they’re trying to say to me, really.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: