In the last week a series of weird things happened and it’s hard to for me to write right now because there are a million (4) people in my house tearing out cabinets and walls because of the flood damage so I just put it on instagram but people were still very confused so I’m taking a second to update you on how I defended my house from snakes with penises.
First, this from a week ago:
Later that day a lovely person on twitter was like, “Hey! You got the bag of dicks! They were a gift, not a threat.” (And in fairness they are lovely to squeeze, especially when you’re silently glaring at some dude who is being a total asshole. Also, they don’t have that weird chemical stink like most of them do, which is nice. (The squishy toys, I mean. Not penises.) And they were so awesome that I stuffed a handful of them in my purse to give to a friend, but before I saw her this happened…
(Trigger warning: If you have a fear of danger noodles just skip to the caption.)
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I just used my purse to chase this snake out of the house but I didn’t kill it and I need you to tell me it’s not poisonous so I don’t regret not using the shovel. Thanks. Also, a penis fell out of my purse when I was lightly whacking it and now my child has questions. JOIN THE CLUB, KID.
And then I clarified in the comments that it was very small and nonaggressive. And then I had to clarify again that I was referring to the snake and not the penis. And also that I was lightly whacking the snake, not the penis. And if I’m being honest it was actually several penises that I left behind me in a trail as I chased it out through the garage because my purse was stuffed with them and it was open and I was dropping shit out of it while I was whacking, like I was Hansel & Gretel if Hansel and Gretel used adorable severed penises instead of breadcrumbs.
PS. A breakdown of responses to my Instagram video: 70% said it was a helpful snake that would kill pests. 30% were like, “BURN THE HOUSE TO THE FOUNDATION AND SALT THE EARTH SO NOTHING EVER GROWS AGAIN. 1% wanted me to adopt the snake, and if I did I would have named it ‘Hisstopher Columbus’ because he didn’t seem to give a shit that SOMEONE ALREADY LIVES HERE, DUDE. Almost everyone thought I’d buried the lede and just wanted to know more about the penises. You are welcome.
PPS. Apparently they’re called dindings and you can buy them here.
PPPS. Hisstopher Columbus is fine and I saw him this morning in the yard but he was next to the tree that always has that owl in it and now I’m afraid for it but I don’t want to pick it up so I just stood outside stomping my feet really loudly to scare it toward a safer part of the yard and my neighbor drove by and it totally looked like I thought I was pretending to be Godzilla and I wanted to explain that I was just trying to save Hisstopher Columbus from himself but I figured that would just make things worse.