Giants are terrible cooks

me: You know how giants always say, “I’ll grind your bones to make my bread”?  Who makes bread out of bones?  If you’re going to eat a person it seems like that should be a meat dish.  Unless maybe the giant is on a low carb diet and all he can think about is bread?  Either way, it’s going to be terrible bread and the giant is going to be very disappointed.  But maybe that’s why he’s so angry…because he keeps fucking up bread and he’s starving and I totally get it because I’ve been eating low-carb for almost a year and it’s a shit show.  Unless…hang on…is flour made of bones?  Is that why it’s white?  Because I never thought of it before but I don’t know what flour is made of.  You never see an acre of flour growing in fields.  Is it just crushed bones?  Oh my God, do vegetarians know about this?

Victor:  Please stop.

PS. I decided to look up “What is flour made of” because this blog is nothing if not educational and google says “white flour is made from the endosperm only” and that seems gross but the color makes sense, I guess?  But it also says that “whole-wheat flour combines all three parts of the wheat berry” and I grew up around wheat fields and I’ve never seen any berries.  Conclusion:  Google is drunk and is probably the same person who gave that giant the human-flesh-makes-great-bread recipe.

Now I don’t understand how wheat or giants work.

105 thoughts on “Giants are terrible cooks

Read comments below or add one.

  1. If you grew up around wheat, how did you NOT know that’s what flour is made of? Wait, are YOU drunk? 😉

    (Wait, are you not? ~ Jenny)

  2. I thinking it’s time for you to take a wee little break from internet surfing. (Just kidding. I need yoru humor.)

  3. Thank you for once again bringing a little light and laughter to my otherwise somewhat shitty day because I have some weird skin shit going on (again) which may or may not be:

    A)psoriasis

    B)lupus

    or
    C)Mother Nature raining down her stupid hate on me….again.

    I’m really hoping it’s C and not A or B.

  4. Or maybe giants are gluten intolerant !
    FYI – wheat berry = caryopsis That way you will sound like a scientist. All you will need is a white coat.

  5. No, they harvest spaghetti from spaghetti trees and grind it up to make flour.
    The thing that makes me suspicious is Grape-Nuts – do grapes have genitalia, and if so, why haven’t I ever seen any? Does this mean all the grapes I’ve ever seen were castrated, i.e. Grape-Eunuchs or Grape-Steers? And why aren’t prairie oysters called Prairie-Nuts?
    The things they aren’t telling us …

  6. It’s the blood of an Englishman that he smells, maybe their homes are different? And the alive or dead part, well that’s just risking being exposed to some sort of disease if you don’t know what they died from….. As for Google being drunk, I can see that, I always thought wheat was a grain not a berry, but what do I know??? When you get it figured out will you let us know? Thanks

  7. I think the giants were just using that as excuse for being bad bakers. And Google? Google and Amazon are drinking buddies and that’s all I have to say about that.

  8. You’re on to something: white flour isn’t made of bones, but white sugar is. More accurately, bone char from cow bones is sometimes used as a decolorizing filter to make sugar white.

  9. How’s Victor doing? 😀
    You think he’d appreciate all this critical thinking…just sayin’.

  10. My thought is that this giant is like a food industry giant. You know how they like to make fake everything for people who can’t have the real thing? He’s making another fake bread. Just like fake milk for people who are lactose intolerant, fake meat and cheese for vegans, fake bread for people who can’t have gluten, and fake sugar for everyone who wants to be thin but just can’t skip their soft drinks. By the way, the most evil of these is fake alcoholic beverages. Do you really need alcohol-free beer? Yes? Is it because of the hearty burps or the glorious bad breath that you can’t do without?

  11. Two of your commenters got it right — it’s definitely the calcium supplements. I mean really, those legs are T-rex size! With much bigger arms!

  12. So do Vegan giants just starve then? I mean, that seems like a foolish lifestyle choice as a giant if you can’t even eat bread…also, if flour is made from people should it be green and soylent-like, or is that only AFTER you add water? Is people flour self-rising, since we carry around some measure of yeast (at least, girls do) naturally? I have so many questions here…

  13. DON’T look up white bread! Unless you want to stop eating it. Seriously, body parts.

  14. The entire part about what flour is made of probably seems much worse than it really is, because I’ve already had 3 shots of tequila in the last 20 minutes. On that note, I think I need a nap. I hope I don’t have dreams about endosperm hanging off of wheat.

  15. I visit your blog on a regular basis because I know you will always make me laugh. Low-carb bread being a shit show. Great comment!

  16. They only say that to English men. All women are safe, and also the male populations of Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Europe, the Americas, and Asia Pacific. It’s a very specific kind of inedible-sounding loaf.

  17. If google is drunk, i think its partying with amazon because everytime i party i end up with shit showing up to the house from amazon. I have no idea what the hell i buy either till it shows up..At least its all been art supplies. So far anyway…..

  18. During the dark ages in Europe, because of all the plagues and lack of nutritional anything they used bones from the corpses and mixed it with flour to help thicken up their stews to try get some sort of extra food

  19. I had assumed it was because bones were leftover after a giant had eaten all the meat and brains and other offal. So as not to waste anything, the bones would be ground done to make flour for bread.
    These days modern giants probably make a bone marrow stock and have some roast bone marrow too with maybe a nice brace of human ribs.

  20. Bone-bread might be very nutritious, though. The marrow is nutrient-dense, and the bone itself is calcium. That’s why giants have strong bones, great teeth, and a really bad attitude. Because, while it is nutritious, no doubt bone-bread tastes pretty nasty.

    But I might be mistaken on all of this. I spent the last three hours in my Giant Tortoise greenhouse (they do NOT eat bone-bread, but the juveniles are nicknamed the Zombie Horde because they will sneak up on me and take a bite of my leg to see if I am made of carrot. For the record, I am not.

  21. The Little Red Hen taught me how to make flour, and bread, and how to passive aggressively exact revenge on my friends. All good skills in life.

  22. Someone told my 8-year-old daughter that the dark potato chips aren’t potato at all but human skin. For 3 years she refused to eat brown chips. And that’s probably the reason she’s a vegetarian/vegan (she cheats on veganism sometimes to vegetarian. Eating human skin has that effect, I guess).

  23. Whatever you do, don’t Google “bone meal.”
    Because if they used bone meal to fertilize a wheat field, then you’ve pretty much covered “ground up bones” for bread.

  24. Not saying he’s wrong in this particular instance, but as a general rule, if Dr. Mercola’s is the first word you read on any subject, you should always get a second opinion (because he’s pretty well-known for promoting dodgy theories and bunk science. Lots of iffy stuff on his site.)

  25. Cornstarch. Cornstarch is made from bones, that’s why it sounds “crunchy”.

  26. Yes but how carefully did you look at the wheat. You grew up around it your whole life so you probably never really looked at it that’s why you didn’t see it’s berrys. Maybe the wheat was ashamed of its berrys and hid them. In fact maybe wheats very shy around people because we are always stealing it’s berrys and making cannibal bread.

  27. No giant sightings but I spotted a huge bright blue chicken in Washington DC on my way home from work last week and immediately thought; Jenny Lawson has invaded the capitol, cool!!!!

    I wish I could post the photo from my car at the National Gallery of Art East Building. Since I cannot, here is a pic of it up close and personal: https://washington-org.s3.amazonaws.com/s3fs-public/adayinthelalz-visitor-with-hahn-cock-rooster-at-nga-east-building_mydccool-homepage-1.17.17.jpg

  28. Fun fact: some white foods are bleached using bone char so white sugar is not vegan.

  29. Jenny, you are awesome! I am so very grateful to my awesome librarian for recommending your book for us to read last month. Sadly this months book is like reading an encyclopedia after Furiuosly Happy. One of my Bfs and I have all three of your books and LOVE THEM! Thank you for being you! I also don’t want bones in my bread,that would just be gross!😳

  30. Jenny- I nearly fell of the bike at the gym from laughing and people are looking. Good job!

  31. As long as you aren’t forced to eat snozzcumbers, then I think the Giant Bread is OK. 😉

  32. P.S. They were out of giant metal chickens yesterday, so I had to be content with a new cast iron frying pan.

  33. OMG!!! Maybe we should all just get drunk and figure out a way to convince the Giant that following a vegetarian diet is da bomb!

  34. I’ve always been confused about wheat & flour & carbs… but I want you to know that you appear thinner & healthier in the pics you occasionally share- — so there’s that.

  35. How is it that I have run across that “grinding bones to make bread” thing twice in one day? I mean, it’s not usually something that comes up.
    This is like when you’re in school and all of a sudden at random all your classes are covering the same topic from different angles. Except with bone flour.

  36. Am stuck in word press hell. Send help. “You do not need a wordpress account to comment” BUT I ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED ON IT AND NOW IT OWNS MY SOUL.

  37. Thank you. Sincerely. I have been struggling with needing to go “gluten free”, and you just totally solved my problem, because I really, really don’t want to eat…ummmm…the stuff you just said. Yeah. Ewwwww.

  38. “endosperm”. Hmmm. Is that involved in kind of the beginning of making human bones? You know, the fun part? (Sorry, I’m way too tired to have been allowed on the computer. )

  39. It scares me how we think so much alike. Do you remember this one: “Fee-fi-fo-fum; I smell the blood of an Englishman.” Well, when I was a kid I always felt kinda lucky and almost safe from this because I’m half French. #truestory

  40. Giants have strange tastes. I learned about giant food in “Giant Grum’s Christmas,” a story in The Tall Book of Christmas which is old and not in stores and costs a ton to buy online, but is wonderful. Giant Grum lived in a huge stone castle and liked everything really strong including smells so it was horrible living nearby (besides having your bones ground up I assume). So a village boy organized everyone to make a giant Christmas stocking and fill it with the stinkiest limburger cheeses they could get, and Giant Grum was so happy that he ate all the cheese and fell asleep and left the villagers alone to celebrate Christmas.

  41. We travel full time in an RV, and I make bread on a regular basis.

    We encounter our fair share of skeevy oddballs on the road, so maybe I’ll start casually mentioning my need for ground bones to make the best possible bread. Might you have any, kind sir?

    Instant solitude. Maybe. I hope.

  42. I’ve been keto for 3 weeks and I would eat bone bread. All day ERR day. I’m just saying I miss FRIGGIN bread. But Keto is life, and stuff. Yeah Yeah whatever.

  43. You grind bones to make bone meal, which you use to fertilize your wheat fields. You then grind the wheat to make bread. Although if you use the same grinder, you’d still have some bone in there.

  44. Did you know marshmallows contains animal bone? I thought it was all sugar but apparently they snuck in some protein in those things….

  45. So I came here to comment about a bit more trivia about flour leftover from my days where I had passion for my degree. But now I can’t remember which is which so I’m bailing.

    What I did want to comment on was I decided to relisten to furiously happy this week. Which was probably a subconscious choice. On Monday I began to transition from my Paxil to Wellbutrin. Which I’m sure many people know that transitioning from one antidepressant to another is always super fun.
    I was supposed to start taking two a day starting today. But honestly my brain was making it difficult. I felt unhinged and like my brain was twitching.
    but fraction by fraction it’s gotten better over the past few hours. But I’m still weary. Tired of having to try so many medications. Feeling Depressed and anxious and nervous over everything. Burdening what one or two friends I communicate via text with telling them I feel crazy and I feel like my brain is going to stroke out on me. Because they don’t understand. they don’t understand what it’s like 2 struggle like this. They have the luxury of being neurotypical. They don’t need endless endless supplements and medication at all parts of the day just to function.

    And it’s exhausting. The transitional period of new medication is always Rocky. which I know you understand. So you should know how much of a break it is to listen to your book on the way to work where I wear a smiling mask of functionality. To actually laugh so hard I Cry. it’s my 15-minute bubble. and I f****** love you for that.

  46. I just started that diet 2 weeks ago.No….energy…hubby lost 60 lbs on it. He looks great. I hate him….My pillow is looking really yummy…like a huuuge white soft loaf….send help!

  47. Jenn, this probably won’t make any sense, but I needed your post. It helps to know there are other people out there going through crap too. I hope the Wellbutrin works for you and your brain settles down.

  48. Annon,
    I understand. Because no one who hasn’t needed medication doesn’t. They can have empathy, but they haven’t been there.
    Yesterday it got so over whelming I was looking up mental health clinics in case I had to go after work. But its better. But its only 6:15. And I haven’t taken yhe second pill. I’m really nauseous (that word us hard to spell when I am this tired) but maybe ill lose a few pounds?
    Thanks, its such a relief to have people like this here

  49. Don’t they use bones to bleach flour? Or is that sugar? Either way, kind of cringy

  50. I’ll still take a giant’s bread over anything labeled “Gluten Free”. You may as well say you shoot puppies if you come at me with that–you’ll get the same reaction.

  51. I was diagnosed a year ago w/gluten sensitivity and I was told back then I would “stop craving gluten after a while.” Uh, how about NO. I still stare longing at any gluten-y pizza or cookie and think to myself: “Baby come back..you can blame it all on meeee.” The worst part was I thought I’d lose weight what with having to take gluten out of my diet completely…nope!!! I gained weight like nobody’s business. Life can be a cruel mistress indeed…

  52. If they aren’t made with Cap’n Crunch crunch berries I really don’t see the point. Now I’m going to finish my very grown-up dinner of Cocoa Puffs!

  53. Emilie, maybe I’ll be concerned that my first thought wasn’t what the fuck is endosperm.

  54. Yes, white flour is made from endosperm (that’s Greek for “inner seed,” but I guess if anyone would know sperm it’s the Gree– wait, what I’m saying here is, it’s wheat).

    But sweet leaping Jesus, don’t link Mercola. He’s a quack, more evil even than David “Never Cry” Avacado “Chocolate is an octave of the Sun” Wolfe.

  55. So I did a quick google search for ‘bone bread’ and came across an essay from 2005 hypothesizing why people died from eating bread made from bones.
    Apparently in 1590 Paris came under siege and there were all these starving people and when a committee was called to figure out what to do with the poor starving people who couldn’t even get grain and bread someone suggested that the huge collection of random human bones that had piled up over the centuries be tapped to make bread. It seems the committee paused, looked at each other and then shrugged and called it a good idea.
    Thing is that after the bread was made people who ate it started dying. Kind of hard to figure out why but the theories in the paper seem to suggest that even though you’re baking this stuff the combination of potential sources of arsenic, prions and various other organisms in combination with bones not having much nutritional profile or digestibility was probably what did it.
    Moral of the story? I’m not really sure. Maybe its “we’re not as badass at eating bones as giants” or “don’t try to feed basically ground up rocks to people” or maybe it’s just “try not to leave your bones laying around after you die unless you want them to be used to kill poor people in very bizzare ways.”

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