The most baffling things Amazon recommended.

Last month I started sharing on twitter the weirdest thing that Amazon recommended to me each day and it’s a bit of a vicious circle because I look at strange shit and then Amazon is like, “Oh, is that what you’re into, weirdo?” and then it recommends more weird shit and then the people who click on my links get bizarre recommendations that they give to me and I click on them and then those things are recommended and then suddenly it’s all “Hey, you forgot to order those funeral potatoes and gummi dildos you were looking at” or, “You like to build wooden kits…you should build your own coffin,” which seemed a bit threatening but then a few days later they recommended building a corpse so I can at least appreciate the theme.

Still, the weird suggestions just keep on coming and I keep wondering what kind of weirdo would buy this stuff and turns out Amazon knows me better than I know myself because…

Everyone likes socks, y’all.

PS. The actual recommendation was for cat socks, which you would think would be socks with cats on them but instead are tiny socks that look like cat paws (that you slip on your chair legs so they don’t scratch the floor, I guess?) but they also perfectly fit the cats, who pulled them all off immediately except for Hunter S. Thomcat who naturally has cold paws and was surprisingly pleased about the whole situation.

PS.  Here’s the whole collection in one spot in case you’re looking for beast legs or hot glue guns for cheese.

92 thoughts on “The most baffling things Amazon recommended.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It’s now my goal in life to get my Amazon recos to make me snort laugh as much as yours do. It seems like a worthwhile use of my time. I’m going for it. Do standby.

  2. With all of the costume stuff I’ve bought over the years I am sure that I am on some kind of watchlist. It’s given up on recommendations I think and just does an “I feel lucky search” and gives me the results.

  3. Haha. I read the second link as “breast” legs and clicked on it. It took me a second to make sense of what I saw. I’m such a dweeb. I’m also now curious as hell about what “breast” legs would look like.

  4. Hunter is just a gift. He just makes me smile every time you post a photo of him doing something ridiculous. Or something ridiculous you did to him. Thank you, Jenny.

  5. i’m waiting for a hunter video of him pulling a Tom Cruise ‘Risky Business’ slide across the floor, while trying to run. or chase – or just, you know, STOP!

  6. I totally want to rub Hunter’s kitteh belleh! (Why yes, I do have a death wish, thankyouverymuch.)

    Also, thanks to you, Amazon wants me to buy a bag of penises. And a merkin. Although, the latter might have been triggered by a series I watched online about the secret lives of monarchs. We’ll never know.

  7. “… for any party or celebration,” reads the double-gummy-dildo description.
    Diflucan: the next craze in party favors!

  8. Really needed to read these. And not just because I was looking at your twitter account literally last night and wondering how many weird amazon recommendations you’ve gotten. I need to see more of these. (My therapist is away for a month and it is not going over well with jerkbrain).

  9. BTW, which bathroom has the synchronized sloth swimming shower curtain in it?

  10. Hot glue guns for cheese? I’m not clicking on one single link in this entire post; to do so would apparently invite “weird things” to show up on my screen and I have quite enough of those now.

  11. Thank you, Jenny. I was totally stressed & having a crappy day until I clicked the Amazon links. #WINNING

  12. Do they have more color variety for Hunter S. Thomcat? That’s a boy that appreciates style I’m sure!

    (They have a variety of colors and I almost wish they came in my size because he looks so damn comfortable in them. ~ Jenny)

  13. “It’s hot cheese. Do with it whatever you please.” My question is, are Amazon item descriptions viable defenses in criminal court? Um, asking for a friend.

  14. We worked as pickers for Amazon last holiday season, and I can confirm that people order some strange shit.

    The good news is that the people who pick your orders do not see customer information. Nor do the people who pack your orders. The only folks who see names are the ones who slap the shipping labels on, and by that time the package is sealed, so they don’t know what’s in it.

    In summary: Relax. Nobody knows you ordered that.

  15. My cats would have none of that. I’d be scratched for even suggesting it. Good for Hunter!

  16. The comments are always the best: “Augasons. Putting the “fun” in funeral since 1972!”

  17. Both Amazon and YouTube are terribly dark, self-reflective journeys. Amazon suggests some kind of whacky survival shit, and I have to truly look at myself in the mirror and ask if I am that kind of prepper.

    Sadly, I think I am. Salt n’ preppa!!

  18. I was looking at a game called “Monsters vs Baboes” and Amazon recommended I might like to buy Pampers. It was uncomfortable.

  19. I was happily perusing Amazon and I took a break and read your post. Then I went back to Amazon to look for plus size board shorts because I have to go to water physical therapy and I just can’t wait to show my thighs OR the entire length of my body from the chest down that hasn’t seen sun since 1984. As I was saying, I was looking for board shorts but because I had been to YOUR site, there was a woman in some kind of goat costume. I’m assuming she is creating a magic potion to make me thin again.

  20. I need socks like those for my dog who will. not. stop. licking. his. feet! It is driving me insane! I may have to have him get a buzz cut and wear a onsie as well for all of the other places he has been licking….

  21. I once searched the WWW for a crochet pattern for elephant trunk shorts. Amazon must be spying on our browsing, because not a few days later, I was getting suggestions for ‘Men’s Sexy Elephant Trunk Boxer Briefs’ .. on my husband’s Amazon account. The words he had for me…

  22. OMG these got recommended to me too. Lol. I didn’t find it at all strange, though. I mean if I needed chair leg covers, those would be the ones I would buy.

  23. I actually included in my blog post this last week the weirdest recommendation I ever got, which was not on Amazon, but it was for a chandelier that looked like a huge penis hanging from the ceiling. And the description was “Unusual Crystal Chandelier”. Unusual is probably not the word I would’ve used…

  24. This is the second advert for animal socks I have seen today. The first were intended for humans who would rather not be human. And who could blame them?

  25. I’m mostly super amazed that you got socks on your cat. Mine would kill me. Well, maybe not that bad, but I’l look like I got in a fight with a weed eater and lost. Which is not a good look.

  26. Love, love, love that you thought cat socks were actual socks you put on cats-love it even more that you bought them.

  27. I actually just bought those, on purpose! I love them! I have all hardwood floors, so I put them on the bottom of all my chairs and they are so cute.

  28. I don’t get weird shit recommendations but there are some weird signs out there. My favorite was at Port Hueneme Naval base golf course that f said “Keep of the grass.”-like how do you play golf and not walk on the grass? Hover craft? Okay when there is a drought the grass dies so does dead grass not count as actual grass?

    Even better, my friend saw a sign at an English forest that said “Dangerous trees”-what the heck are they growing in England?

    Sent from my iPhone


  29. Wow, you can buy premade funeral potatoes? And here I always make mine from scratch. (Note, this is not sarcasm. I grew up in Utah. Funeral potatoes are a mandatory part of my Christmas ham dinner. And they are AMAZING, let me tell you.) Somehow I don’t think dehydrated funeral potatoes would live up to the homemade ones though, sadly.

    I want cat paw socks for all of my cats AND for me now.

  30. Those socks are amazing. I’ll have to look into that for Raven, who I just had to give heck for trying to scratch my Paris chair. I’ve been following the Twitter posts and get a huge laugh every day at what Amazon has been trying to sell you!

  31. Not gonna lie, I do have those little cat socks on my furniture. They protect the hardwood floors, and have the added benefit of making people ask questions like “why does your table have cat feet”?

  32. I had a cat that would scratch her neck until she bled, so I would tape little homemade socks on to her feet to prevent it. It helped, even though she hated it! (The vet never found anything wrong with her and assumed it was allergies or anxiety. She lives with a family now and is very happy.) I got the socks idea from the Vinyl Cafe story, “Toilet Training the Cat”. (She didn’t like the toilet training idea, either.)

  33. Funeral potatoes. I followed the link. “So good, they’re to die for.” I… don’t… At more than 1400 calories, someone MIGHT actually die from it.

    The questions and answers on the large gummy worm are just so perfect. “Is it sentient?”

    The build-your-own-coffin kit can bear weight up to 1000lbs. That’s good to know. Because the dirt on top of it would be kinda heavy. I don’t need a build-your-own-corpse thing, though, because I’ve got that covered already.

  34. I once looked up bikinis. I still got those ads, but they were a lot more fun.

  35. I’m pretty sure Hunter S. Thomcat is a model. I mean, those socks even match his outfit. And by outfit I mean fur. #bluesteel

  36. Re: the beast legs – did you know that hooves are not included? What a ripoff! It was small consolation that Amazon carries the hooves – they’re pricey!

  37. I’m pretty sure you could pick up the material to build your own coffin at Home Depot. The next time I’m there I’m gonna have to ask one of the clerks what kind of wood they’d recommend to build my own coffin.

  38. Hunter is awesome. I really like those socks, they look nice! I have no words regarding the gummi dildo thing…. I’m not understanding how it’s supposed to be a gummi worm, it totally looks like a dildo!

  39. I was reading a post about the origins of the vampire myth in literature and later that day, I got an ad recommending sunscreen in gallon-size jugs. LOL

  40. Hilarious!
    Who knew socks could be such a suave accessory?
    My cat is already a sneaky little bugger though.
    I can’t imagine the clandestine chaos that would occur after socks were added to her already silent shenanigans!

  41. I’m having a particularly shitty week. Work has been awful, there’s more conflict going about than in the Middle East and my husband goes in today for his 10th surgery in 19 years. But then I saw that photo of Hunter S. Tomcat with the socks and every time I look at it, it makes me giggle. His expression seems to waver between “Hey these are great!” and “WTF, cat mom?”

  42. Hunter S. may need a few pairs so he can put on some fresh ones after trips to the litter box. Nobody likes being stuck in dirty socks.

  43. I probably should of signed out of Amazon before clicking the links. Should be fun though to see what they suggest to me now that I’ve perused funeral potatoes and build your own coffin, lol.

  44. I’ve bought those adorable furniture socks for everyone! I love them but never thought to put them on a cat.

  45. Mellow furry fellow-unless of course, he’s waiting for you to fall asleep…

  46. Hunter S tomcat is awesome😬👍🏻
    Usually cats go batshit crazy when you put something on their feet.

  47. I followed all the links, and now Amazon is also trying to sell me not only beast legs but beast heads, arms, and gloves/claws, plus all many of caskets and cat fashions. I don’t mind. It’s better than all the spam I used to get offering me hot Ukrainian women and cheap Viagra, neither of which I need.

  48. Our cats would kill us in our sleep if we tried putting those on. Our dog however, likes to wear tee shirts. So socks wouldn’t be far fetched.

  49. Was looking at your weird Amazon suggested purchases. Saw the disarticulated skeleton. Occurs to me that a serial killer could just dispose of the skeletal remains of his/her victims by selling on Amazon. Maybe I’ve been watching too many episodes of Forensic Files.

  50. I want to get weird recommendations too! The “interesting finds” on amazon are not that interesting! My foster dog has socks that’ look like shoes that she wears, I think her feet are cold.

    P.S. can you go into a taxidermist and buy a “stuffed” animal or do you have to bring your own to get “stuffed”? Is that the correct way to describe it or is there a more appropriate term?

  51. So this is perfect for a fun game I’m playing:
    My best friend was visiting me from out of state and wanted to watch a show on Amazon that she had purchased, so she logged in on my laptop… and then never logged out.
    So now I’ve been spending my time searching for the weirdest things I can think of (some innocent, like rubber duckies, and some not so innocent like… gummi dildos, I guess) and now I’m just sort of using your blog as my starting off point and waiting for her to text me with great concern.
    Thank you.

  52. Immediately ordered these. Also I recently ordered a custom swimsuit with my cat’s face on it. I can’t wait for it to arrive. Although I wonder if my cat will feel weird about being on a swimsuit because I would feel weird if he ordered custom Speedo’s with my face on them. Although a cat in Speedo’s would be really awesome so maybe I would just feel accomplished and flattered and not weird.

  53. Do you already have these? On Amazon: 3 piece stainless, drawing-stencil-templates. Under $9 with Prime. Handy items to have for your next coloring book.

  54. Shit. Okay, my husband says I shouldn’t start an introduction about myself with the word “shit,” but I just did — so double shit, I guess. I say that because I never know what to write or say and it’s always awkward when I find myself in a group and I’m supposed to tell something about myself. I’ve noticed that when people do this, they either sound really polished or they stutter and stumble and turn red in the face or they ramble because they talk a lot when they get nervous. And they’re nervous because they’re trying to explain something about themselves that they hope others might find interesting or relevant or funny, but then they realize that no one really cares that much, except now everyone is staring at them — not so much with genuine interest as much as with amused horror — which is making this person even more nervous because they realize they have now gone on longer than anyone else and they can’t seem to stop themselves and — oh dear Jesus, just strike me dead now and make me shut up already!

    Oh, also my name’s Mona. I almost forgot that part. Shit. Anyway, it’s nice to meet everyone! Oh, yeah, also, my blog is Wayward Sparkles — Stories of my life gone astray. Everyone’s invited to visit me there! I promise to let you get a word in edgewise — you can comment all you want! 🙂

    Thanks, Jenny, for letting us, your readers, do this! I’m so glad you’re here!

  55. Oh, My God! Now I’m really horrified! I left my comment above on the wrong post! Well, of course I did!
    Okay. I’ll try it again on the right post. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Mona

  56. Following your list the Amazon recommended for you, found the Fondoodler! Another great Amazon item “ it’s like a hot glue gun, but for CHEEZE!”

  57. Is the four-sock photo going to be posted on an Amazon review? “Comfy, classy, made typing this review difficult. Would buy again.”
    Related: I watch the Cole and Marmalade YT channel. I’d happily add a “Hunter’s in Charge” channel to my list, if only to see Ferris get more cuddles and Rolly to at least get some screen time, as the oldest. I assume Dot will perfect her balancing-act circus tricks during Season 1.

  58. I… bought the chair socks. Because the sticky pads never stay on the chair legs (something to do with all the cat hair, I imagine), so maybe these will hold them on better?

    They’re very cute, but I put them on facing backwards, so now I have to fix them. The husband was charmed.

  59. Just another stupid suggestion from Amazon I suppose like the ones below.
    I was checking out some TENS units and looked at the frequently bought suggestion.

    BodyHealt EMS Electric Muscle Stimulation Unit
    Precision Manual Coffee Bean Grinder By Homiry: Best Portable, Easily Adjustable, Canister Ceramic…
    HANDIPRO Car Window Shades (3 Pack)
    WHAT! How do these things go together? Do I put on the TENS unit while grinding coffee in the car with HANDIPRO Car Window Shades on?
    Bat shit crazy comes to mind.

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