Whenever I’m stressed out Victor takes me to a no-kill shelter so I can hold cats but he gets bored easily so he does this game where he says totally inappropriate things to me with a completely straight face to see if he can get strangers to either laugh or throw us out and whichever one of us bails on the conversation first loses.
Our most recent visit:
Victor: My grandma said she’d be reincarnated as a cat but I can’t find her? Are any of these cats named “meemaw?” (Pokes at cats) Meemaw? Is that you? (Turns to volunteer.) I’m sorry. She said she’d be here.
me: You know “meemaw” wasn’t her given name, right?
Victor: Oh my God, now I’ve got to start all over again. My mom called her “Mother”. Mother? Is that you, mother?
me: Much better.
Victor: This one looks like a serial pooper.
me: Why would he poop cereal?
Victor: No, a SERIAL pooper. Look. He keeps pooping outside his litter box. I will name him Dumpledore. Ooh – look at this juicy one! Lots of blood in him.
Me: Is that good?
Victor: You’re not going to win a cat show with a bloodless cat.
me: Fair enough. You know what’s better than one cat? Two cats. Can you get a cat stuffed in a cat? Like a turducken but with just cats? What’s it called if it’s a cat in a cat?
Victor: I think it’s called “pregnant”. Gross. I want the opposite of that. Hey, are any of these cats virgins? It’s not for a sacrifice. I just don’t want to touch any sullied cats. HEY, WHERE ARE THEIR WINGS? WHO TOOK YOUR WINGS, GUYS? WHY WON’T YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME? WHO HURT YOU?
me: (coughing to hide my laughter)
Victor: Is this cat named “Smelly Butthole”? Because it should be. Unless…oh wait. That’s me. SORRY EVERYBODY, THAT’S ME.
me: OH MY GOD YOU WIN. STOP.
Victor: I forgot we were playing.
And this is why we stay married.
Related: Apparently I have a thing called “too-many-cats” so I can only pet homeless cats (and stuff donations in their boxes so that we don’t get banned forever) but you totally seem like you need a cat. These are all available for adoption at San Antonio Pets Alive:
PS. Clarification: I stuff donations in the donation boxes for the cats. I do not stuff things in cat’s boxes. Ew. Stop it.