We shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, part eleventy million.

Whenever I’m stressed out Victor takes me to a no-kill shelter so I can hold cats but he gets bored easily so he does this game where he says totally inappropriate things to me with a completely straight face to see if he can get strangers to either laugh or throw us out and whichever one of us bails on the conversation first loses.

Our most recent visit:

Victor:  My grandma said she’d be reincarnated as a cat but I can’t find her?  Are any of these cats named “meemaw?”  (Pokes at cats)  Meemaw?  Is that you? (Turns to volunteer.)  I’m sorry.  She said she’d be here.

me:  You know “meemaw” wasn’t her given name, right?

Victor: Oh my God, now I’ve got to start all over again.  My mom called her “Mother”.  Mother?  Is that you, mother?

me: Much better.

Victor:  This one looks like a serial pooper.

me:  Why would he poop cereal?

Victor:  No, a SERIAL pooper.  Look.  He keeps pooping outside his litter box.  I will name him Dumpledore.  Ooh – look at this juicy one!  Lots of blood in him.

Me: Is that good?

Victor:  You’re not going to win a cat show with a bloodless cat.

me:  Fair enough.  You know what’s better than one cat?  Two cats.  Can you get a cat stuffed in a cat?  Like a turducken but with just cats?  What’s it called if it’s a cat in a cat?

Victor:  I think it’s called “pregnant”.  Gross.  I want the opposite of that.  Hey, are any of these cats virgins?  It’s not for a sacrifice.  I just don’t want to touch any sullied cats.  HEY, WHERE ARE THEIR WINGS?  WHO TOOK YOUR WINGS, GUYS?  WHY WON’T YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME?  WHO HURT YOU?

me: (coughing to hide my laughter)

Victor:  Is this cat named “Smelly Butthole”?  Because it should be.  Unless…oh wait.  That’s me.  SORRY EVERYBODY,  THAT’S ME.


Victor:  I forgot we were playing.

And this is why we stay married.

Related: Apparently I have a thing called “too-many-cats” so I can only pet homeless cats (and stuff donations in their boxes so that we don’t get banned forever) but you totally seem like you need a cat.  These are all available for adoption at San Antonio Pets Alive:

PS.  Clarification: I stuff donations in the donation boxes for the cats.  I do not stuff things in cat’s boxes.  Ew.  Stop it.

130 thoughts on “We shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, part eleventy million.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Aww, cute and funny! I do that sometimes too, tell my friends not to worry about them finding the body whenever strangers walk by.

  2. I thought you were going to name your next cat The President of the United States. But Smelly Butthole is good too. And probably appropriate as well.

  3. How many cats is “too” many?

    Asking for a friend.

    (According to me, that is not a valid question. According to Victor, “one”. Which means we’re three over the limit. ~ Jenny)

  4. Lol. Totally needed this today. Stupid anxiety monster is ruining my day. 🙁

  5. You shouldn’t post such cute pictures. It makes me want to grab them all and just go all-out crazy cat lady. I have four, but if I added a ton more, I’d be super official CCL.

  6. And this conversation, right here, is a perfect demonstration of which of you is the extrovert and which the introvert.

    I have a cat that just looks like he ate another cat. Does that work for the cat in a cat model?

  7. OhMyGod…too funny! I’m almost ready for another kitty…my Darling Delilah passed away last Nov, and I miss her terribly…but, I NEED a kitty in my life again. I’ll adopt when I’m ready.

  8. OMG he really is the best. Also cats are the best. draws hears around everyone

  9. Ha! Whoever I am meant to end up with in this life, they better be as funny and outrageous as you and Victor, otherwise, I am passing and staying single forever! You guys are simply the best!

  10. I would have lost that game a lot faster than you did; I would have been cracking up at “meemaw.”

  11. Victor DEFINITELY wins this round, but I sense a rematch on the horizon. That’s how our local spca got me — I just went in to pet some cats in the cattery. Still a volunteer over 10 years later. Although I primarily work with dogs these days (don’t judge), I do have four kittens in my foster room right now. Hopefully, they’ll go up for adoption next week.

  12. We already have 6 cats. Only 2 of them on purpose though. Pretty sure there’s an invisible sign on our house that only homeless cats can see. We get volunteers frequently & then after trying to find homes for them, end up falling in love & keeping them. 3 were feral kittens that I bottle fed so I’m Mom to them.

  13. Absolutely perfect! TheEngineer would LOSE because I can maintain an innocent look much better than he can. Not to mention that I’m evil lite. That’s evil that doesn’t look it. 😉

  14. Terribly allergic, so I will continue to cat vicariously through you. Also struggling to stifle laughter/not snort at the office.

  15. My son and I do this all the time. It’s why my daughter hates us, lol.
    AT the emergency room, after being hit in the head with a video game and bleeding profusely and needing to be checked for concussion, he made up a LOOOONG story about how he got the wound in Vietnam, when the love of his life, SGT. Tanner, with whom he was engaged to be engaged, in the presence of gooks all around, threw him into the fox hole, and when she was struck by enemy fire and killed, the bullet went through her and grazed the top of his head.

    Poetic license for saying gooks, he was trying to be authentic. He was 15.

  16. I too suffer from TMCD, but going to even the no-kill shelter makes my disease worse. As a result, I am now a driver for The Catz Meow Transport Service (https://www.facebook.com/groups/CatzMeow/). We are an all volunteer group that gets cats to their owners all over the Continental US by either driving them on parts of their journey, or flying with them. Would love to have you follow our adventures or join us!

  17. If I lived in San Antonio (and my cat didn’t possess a deep and abiding hatred of other cats) I would adopt them all.

  18. You name Victor are made for each other!! If I lived near there and did not already have 2 cats I would totally adopt one or two…so sweet

  19. I’m currently in a three phase: three dogs, three cats, three rabbits. Turns out though, that if you have three rabbits and they are any combination other than three boys or three girls, you soon have more rabbits. Thank god the rest of us are all fixed.

  20. Victor is a keeper, although, he does need to learn that there is no such thing as “too many cats.” Then again, my Dad always said I have ” stray cat syndrome. ” It’s kind of like Pokemon Go but with cats (and some poeple).

  21. I’ve also been told of this “too many cats” thing. Apparently 7 is ok but 8 is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE and will cause me to be tossed out (with the 8 cats) to live in a box (which the cats would probably enjoy)

  22. I have also been told I have too many cats. He’s counting the dog in there, because she’s smaller than the cats. I don’t think that counts as a cat just because she’s smaller, we have HUGE cats.

  23. Victor is awesome! All those kitties are so cute that it’s a good thing I live in Dallas. We also have a two cat maximum rule in our house. Our daughter thinks we need to increase it to three so everyone can have a cat on their lap.

  24. Tofu and Apple need to come home with me! The problem? We already have Princess Peach, Mario, Freyja, and Ragnvlad, the Destroyer of Mice.

    I also have a moral dilemma: Do I tell my neighbor that he has a cat living under his house? (His ex-wife’s kids kicked in a crawl space grate a while ago and she ducks in out of there.) From the looks of it, there are many cats inside that one cat, too… Do I make a single mother homeless? Or do I let my neighbor get the surprise of a yard full of kittens one day?? (I’m leaning toward the latter.)

    It feels like there should be another option, but all of the cat rescues here seem to be overwhelmed already and we’re not far from a strip of restaurants/there’s an increasing mouse problem anyway so…? What do you do?

  25. Aw, you’re so lucky–while Ken provides ample fodder for my writing, he’s always the straight man. If I asked him to give the cats funny names, he would invariably say “Mr. Whiskers” or “Frank” when I would totally be hoping for “Pussy Galore”.

  26. You totally made my day! I/we have 6 cats but there’s only 1 that we can count on to stick around. The rest are off sleeping somewhere! I suspect they share owners…

  27. First if you’re not being raided for animal hoarding you don’t have to many cats so go back and get one. Two for the love of god will you tell me ahead of time when you’re going back so I can come and watch. I’d drive from California just to watch this show. Third come home with a cat and when Victor gets mad tell him it’s meemaw 😂😂😂😂

  28. I would adopt another cat, but I think Waldo would get upset. Emerson was adopted when I had both Ralf and Waldo, but Ralf has crossed the rainbow bridge. (Darn cancer!) Waldo is a rather elderly and cranky kitty now. And really- 2, 3 or 4 cats is ideal, but they need to get along. Cat-pee dominance wars are the worst. (And I love you and Victor-obviously well matched.)

  29. given that conversation I’m glad you are not stuffing your donations in the cats.

  30. Sadly, I’m not allowed to have another cat. My current cat says so. He prefers to be the sole heir to everything I own, which means he’s planning on outliving my kids. Seriously though, he hates other cats. Doesn’t mind the dogs, but cats are out of the question. Which also means I am his sole cuddle buddy.

  31. I don’t really dig cats but I feel like I need ZuZu the cat. My daughter’s nickname is ZuZu so I feel like we need the cat version too. But alas, I’m allergic to cats and having two ZuZu’s might get confusing. There an only be one!

  32. Oh Victor is just the perfect foil for you! You deserve each other LOL Love to you for petting cats.

  33. We just had to pull over. I was reading this out loud and yelled, NO, THAT WAS ME. My poor husband started snorting. Do not snort and drive.

  34. My husband isn’t always as publicly bold as Victor seems to be, but this story reminds me of a particularly memorable grocery shopping trip with my guy (and why I prefer to shop alone). We were several feet away from each other in the produce section and there were quite a few other shoppers nearby. He held up a large cucumber and yelled in my direction, “Honey, how about this one? It looks about the same size as the one you got last time.” I tried to pretend I didn’t know him, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t fool anybody with my bright red face. (You might not want to share this one with Victor.)

  35. OMG! The Torties! I love Torties! I wish I could have a farm or big piece of land and save all the doggies and kitties.

  36. Okay, I started reading this post and in the background, I swear I could hear Sarah MacLachlan singing “I will remember you!” Then I wanted to cry, but I was laughing instead because of Victor’s shenanigans and now I want all of the cats, but I can’t and so now I feel really guilty, even though I already have three and have sworn off any more pets! Otherwise, my husband will kick me out or kill me — whichever he thinks of first. Really, he loves animals — and me, but there is just no more room at our place for more pets or more people! So now I’m feeling all of these feelings and I think…I think I need a drink right now!

    May all of the kitties — they’re so darn adorable — find really good homes with really kind people!

  37. I love that you go to the shelter to pet kitties. I want Honey Bunches and Tofu (they both need new names) and Freja because my son in law has just lost a Freyja.

  38. In my better reality you are my best friend and I get to go to pet cats with you because you are so awesome I go even though I am really allergic to cats.

  39. Also- Michelle if you are reading this it’s nothing personal. You are still my best friend in my real reality and that’s better.

  40. Hilarious as always,lol! And what a great technique to bring the stress down:)

  41. The animal shelter could charge admission for people to come watch you and Victor. They’d have enough money for a cat palace in a week. You would be cat royalty. Queen and King Pussy. Or maybe not, that name might suggest more of a drag show atmosphere than a cat rescue. Although combining a drag show with the Jenny and Victor comedy hour would draw a crowd…

  42. Is it wrong to consider moving into a bigger apartment just so you can adopt three cats? I totally accept my crazy cat lady status.

  43. I literally LOL’d at “Victor: I forgot we were playing.”

    Also, I fell in love with at least 3 of those baby faces, so I’m grateful to not live nearby. I share the “too many cats” condition you suffer from, primarily in that I have two that WOULD NOT permit another in the household. They barely permit the presence of my husband!

  44. Did you give those cats Pokemon names? I’m only allowed one cat, but I’m tempted by Lairon. What a cutie, and he grows into Aggron!

  45. I am so glad to know that I am not that old cat lady, I only have two cats. AND there is no one talking me out of more cats except me. I am good. Now I just need to believe I can get a puppy and outlive it, give it enough TLC. Convince me so I can go get a puppy.

  46. Why are so many of those cats named after food? Are they trying to encourage eating kittens?Cause that doesn’t seem right.

  47. I am also banned from adopting any more dogs or cats. Which is unfair because I have never had any cats. I feel like I am being deprived of an entire species. My two dogs are awesome though. Victor should start his own blog 🙂 On a side note, you inspired me to start my own blog and I just wrote my first post today.

  48. i want all those kitties.
    P.S. Will you send Victor to my house to teach my husband to have a sense of humor? I promise I’ll send him back in the same condition.

  49. It’s a little disconcerting that so many of them are named after food.

  50. Oh man, I want them all! But our cat Smokie would probably revolt. She is 15 and already outraged ’cause we got another (second) dog in Feb.. You guys are too funny. You had me at cereal pooper.
    Datdamwuf you totally need a Puppy! Studies have shown that quality of life increases 2000% with a pup in the house… Of course, you do spend a lot of time going “Oh no! What have I done?). But soon, too soon (?), you have a wonderful dog!

  51. If only we didn’t already have forty cats… FOUR, I mean. It just seems like forty.

  52. Our house is next to fields and forest. So far, six cats have wandered up to our home…..snowflakes in their eyelashes; violins playing etc.
    I would love to adopt another cat, but with six rescued already, and two dogs, Thomas and I would be sleeping in the garage.
    Our cats are “Flufus, Tippy, Monty, Stella, Skoocum, and a 20 pounder named Sergeant Major Damage.”

  53. You’re right. I DO need a cat. But my human child is nearly deathly allergic. So, no cats for me. sad otter face

  54. Hmmm, most of the kitty names are food related? Hungry people naming them? Might need to donate munchies for the humans, too.

  55. Thank goodness those cats are in Texas and I’m in Pennsylvania or we’d be in trouble right now… As I’m down to just two cats, having lost my big snuggly old man Lennon just over two weeks ago. Unless you think Katniss and Ruth Bader Ginspurr look lonely now? Do you think they do? Should I get them another kitty-friend?

  56. And it’s why you and Victor will stay married. You make each other laugh. At dinner tonight, my husband told me to tell my blog readers that if I didn’t stop saying things regarding him on my blog, the next thing I write will be,”Did I mention that John’s searching for a new wife to replace the old model who can’t keep anything to herself without self-combusting?” We’ve been married for almost 27 years now and still going strong. He’s not going anywhere.

  57. Aaaand here’s another post to bookmark in my ever-growing folder of ‘Jenny’s posts that make me laugh uncontrollably’ (ie the folder I go through when I’m depressed). Victor is so hilarious, I love how sometimes he seems totally exasperated with your weirdness but other times he’s right there matching and even exceeding your weirdness! (Side-note, why must those pretty kitties live so far away from me? I need to adopt Tofu. And Honey Bunches. And Freya.)

  58. A) Are you sure none of Victor’s fancy-pants phone-conference clients read your blog? Because until now the V-ster has had a pretty solid game of “I’m The Sane One” going. It’s my view that that cover is now blown. Like a smelly butthole.

    B) There are indeed several cats at Casa Lawson- younger, stronger- so I’m officially casting a vote to inaugurate “Rolly Day.” On this day, Rolly is the only cat-person in photos. Does not have to fight Dorothy B or Hunter for snuggles, laps or even the coveted perch on the back of the leather chair-couch. All things are Rolly’s. The whole day.

  59. I am so happy to hear this. Sometimes when you describe your life it sounds like you’re endlessly imaginative and so funny and Victor juts upholds normality. Now everything makes sense <3

  60. If there was ever any doubt that you and Victor belong together, it has disappeared in a puff of smoke. You guys are purrfectly matched.

    Did he ever find Meemaw? Because now I am sad for him if he didn’t.

  61. We are counting down until my twins turn 18, our custody order expires, and we can have cats again. Yes, a judge ordered is to not have cats because I guess he’s a dog person and he had to give the ex something? 5 years, 359 days to go.

  62. Oh my gosh and jewelledJeebus, that is so funny that I laughed myself into a case of the hiccups!

  63. The first paragraph of this post is everything I want in my relationship, but with dogs. (Nothing against cats!) Thanks for the laugh to start my morning, as always! thumbs up

  64. OMG – you two are 1 in a million, love you both 🙂
    Totally snickering away at my desk right now……………………

  65. Listen, my family had six cats once and it was perfectly fine. Really, once you have two, more doesn’t make a difference. You still have to have a lot of litter boxes, you still probably can’t get away with using an automatic feeder, and cat fur is going to be all over everything even with ONE cat. More increases the odds that one will want to be hugged or to sit on your lap at any given moment!

  66. If you’re going to make a cat turducken, you need to adopt Coconut and Tangerine. And then you’d change Tangerine’s name to Lime, so that you could put the Lime in the Coconut.

    I’ll stop talking now.

  67. If anyone ever gets upset over things Victor says there, he should exclaim, “No-kill shelter? More like no-chill shelter, AM I RIGHT?”

  68. I love Victor. Don’t tell my husband. And you don’t even need to tell him that I love victory. He so knows that already.

  69. Those cats are the reason I only go to shelters when I have more cats than I need but not as many as I want.

  70. April comment 42 – tell your neighbour about the house guest in the crawl space before there are kittens! Shelters maybe overwhelmed but if you can stop those kittens having kittens you are helping in the long run

  71. I LOVE THIS! My husband would never do this with me… but my kid would. We already try to out-do each other with “your mom” jokes and references to “my butt.” She’s 7. I have great hope for her.

  72. Omigosh, these are some of the funniest lines ever! Claiming the smelly butthole as his own is absolutely hilarious!

  73. Correcting one thing…you are always allowed out of the house if it involves sharing adorable cat pictures and hilarious dialogue with your husband

  74. My cousin had 13 black cats and 1 calico cat when she moved into her apartment. She told the manager she only had 2 cats, because she thought no one could tell the black cats apart, and she only let one put at a time. She got by with it for 2 1/2 years, until the handyman snitched her off.

  75. I’m crying, and I am not sure whether they are tears of laughter. I want a Victor one day. Looking for one in a no-kill shelter is not a bad idea.

  76. There is NO SUCH THING as too many cats, ( sorry Victor!)they all need love and homes. Alas, I am unable to have ANY right now so ,I too have to go pet the adoptees at our local pet store. The wonderful man I am dating is also a cat lover,and may be my Victor,except his name is Todd.

  77. @Anonymous, Nope, a person does not get to claim “poetic license” for using a racial slur targeted towards a group in which they do not belong. Next time you or your son considers using such a slur, ask yourselves, “would I replace this word with the n-word and say it in front of a black person?” If the answer is no, then please don’t do it.

  78. We have 9, plus my 15-year-old son has a cat that lives in the basement. I am not sure how 3 morphed into ten but it did. There is always a cat curled up somewhere. And we DO have 11 litter boxes which we clean mostly faithfully. The kibble bowl is an old punchbowl. All of them, as of yesterday, are fixed. No more. At my limit for sure.

  79. Jenny, You and Victor are who my husband and I want to be…but we’re already pretty close. Even my husband said so when I read it out loud last night to him. We enjoy your humor together!

  80. I didn’t even know you could go and just pet cats – but I’d want to take them all home. ALL of them…and my apartment only lets me have two, which I already have. I kind of want to volunteer at the baby ward and just hold babies for a while. I would be MUCH less tempted to take them home.

  81. I don’t know if this is true in Texas or not, but when I was living in Georgia 20+ years ago and adopted my Jezebel (now waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge, along w/her sister Delenn and brother Mojo), who was an absolutely stunning tortoiseshell, they told me that they had a hard time finding homes for torties because people thought they were ugly. (Hence my asking if this was true in Texas, because I don’t know if it’s a Southern thing, or if people in northeast Georgia just have a big damn problem.) Anyway, people of San Antonio: please adopt these gorgeous babies ASAP, and do try to keep Louie & Mario/Lucky Charms & Coco Puffs together, because they sure look like a bonded pair to me. I can’t do anything because I’m (a) in Boston, (b) totally brokeass, and (c) my current feline overload, Romeo, has decided that I will have no other cats before him. (You’d think that Romeo would cut me some slack, since his Auntie Pauline, aka my oldest friend, did literally snatch him from Death Row–he was going to be put to sleep for being FIV+, since the state of New Hampshire doesn’t allow cats with any kind of communicable disease to be adopted out of shelters; the shelter staff basically muttered “OK, he was never actually here, got it?”–but no, he insists on being an Only Cat, and right now that’s all I can afford.) Good luck, and may all you beautiful furballs find wonderful furever homes!

  82. I volunteer at a cat shelter and we all call it our “therapy job.” It’s impossible to be sad when you’re surrounded by cats. Our shelter is no-kill AND open-concept, so no cages and no concerns about having to say a final “goodbye” to them. If you’re ever in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, you and Victor are more than welcome to come visit us at the Humane Society of West Alabama (no relation to the national Humane Society – we run off private donations since we get zero funding). We’d welcome you and your shenanigans! 🙂

  83. I foster some of those kittens!
    There is also a cat cafe in San Antonio where sitting and being covered in cats is a completely approved activity.

  84. My son (who is in college) informed me on his last trip home that their new favorite thing to do is to get drunk and go to the shelter to play with all the animals.

  85. Re-reading this because I am having my butt kicked by PMS, a pulled muscle, and a kidney infection at the same time. The laughter was good even if it makes my insides hurt. Actually, my insides are hurting no matter what…

    But if you adopted a female cat who was pregnant and named her The President, you could name one of the kittens Smelly Butthole, and then you could say “The President had a Smelly Butthole” and it would be true… Plus it fits that cat-in-a-cat thing. 🙂

  86. I’ve been very busy, or I would have read your post earlier and written this reply, but there a place in Houston near Houston Heights called the El Gato Coffeehouse (elgatocoffehouse.com) where you can play with adoptable cats, buy T-shirts and other cat paraphernalia, and generally get cheered up. (My eldest’s roommate is highly allergic, so it’s a way to get your fur fix . . .) You can order cat-puccino and enjoy the “cheery cat cafe featuring coffee & adoptable felines in a whimsical, colorful bungalow.” I took my 85-year-old mother with mild dementia there–she loved it! I’ll treat the next time you’re in town . . .

  87. I’m late to the party, but there’s a place in Houston near Houston Heights called El Gato Coffeehouse. It’s a “cheery cat cafe featuring coffee & adoptable felines in a whimsical, colorful bungalow” according to elgatocoffeehouse.com. I took my 85-year-old mother (who has mild dementia) and she loved it. My eldest got their fix of cuddles, too, as Roommate is highly allergic. I’ll buy the next time you’re in town. . .

  88. When you said “no-kill shelter” I was thinking Victor had put you in some kind of backyard bunker for your proctection and thrown the cats in with you. Then I was confused as to why Victor couldn’t leave when ever he wanted. And then I wondered why there were strangers in the bunker. Did you invite them? Where they the type of people who like to be offended by others for kicks? Wouldn’t inviting strangers defeat the purpose of being in the shelter in the first place?
    I’m either easily confused or your excellent tales enable me to imagine all kinds of possibilities!

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