I don’t even know how to spell the thing that I’m going to do to myself but I still feel good about it so don’t freak me out, okay?

So if you read here you already know that I deal with a host of mental issues and you can probably tell that it’s gotten a bit worse lately and that sucks.  I go to sleep not knowing if I’ll wake up depressed or “normal” and when I do feel normal I’m so damn jealous of the rest of the world…people who can be around others without feeling exhausted or who can concentrate enough to finish basic projects or don’t spend thousands of dollars a year on medication that sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.  People who don’t deal with intrusive thoughts and anxiety and who don’t struggle in vain to stop their minds at night and restart them again in the morning.

In the last year I’ve done all the things.  I did extensive blood work and took 32 pills a day to fix all the vitamin deficiencies and anemias and treatable disorders.  I ate low carb and cut out gluten.  I went 9 months without alcohol.  I lost 50 pounds and started walking and swimming and I tried to write goals and make myself do normal things and honestly I do feel healthier than I felt a year ago.  But I still feel fairly worthless at least 25% of the time.  And if this is as good as it gets I’ll still consider myself lucky and I’ll just wait for the darkness and dread to pass on those bad weeks, but it’s really…not comfortable.  That’s an extreme understatement but you get what I mean.

A few years ago my shrink told me that I’d be a good candidate for TMS and it sounded really scary so I ignored it like any sane person would because transcranial magnetic stimulation seems like diet electro-shock therapy.  But turns out that I was totally wrong.  I’m going to try to explain it and I’m super going to fuck it up so maybe look it up yourself but here’s the way I understand it:

So part of your brain sort of stops working properly when you’re depressed.  And a different part of your brain goes nuts and works crazy overtime when you have anxiety.  And your anxiety part of your brain can hijack the rest of your brain that already isn’t working and that’s how you get…me.

TMS sends electromagnetic impulses through your skull into small parts of your brain and it stimulates the part that isn’t working, like physical therapy for your brain tissue.  There’s also a way to use it on the over-active part that can slow it down to normal.  Supposedly it feels like a woodpecker tapping at your brain for 30-40 minutes a day for 6-8 weeks which sounds not fun but more than half of people with treatment-resistant depression (like me) see improvement, and around 30% go into full remission.  I can’t even imagine what full remission would feel like but I suppose if I’m willing to have an invisible bird drill into my brain for months it’s a pretty good indication that I need help.  I’ve spent the last month researching it and doing consults and last week after a million pages of paperwork and an interview a local psychiatric unit accepted me as a patient.  I start treatment this month.

I’ve talked to others who’ve done it and some said it was a miracle and some said it didn’t work at all so I don’t know if this will be an enormous waste of time and money but I’m willing to do what it takes to try.  And I feel lucky to live in a world where we are slowly – too, too slowly – figuring out how to treat these terrible things.  I had a great grandmother I never met who had such terrible rheumatoid arthritis she was in a wheelchair at my age.  Currently (knock on wood) my injections have me in remission from what was debilitating RA.  I’m lucky.

This is my other great grandmother.

Lillie

It seems like her terrible secret is that she has a horse head for an arm but that’s just a trick of the light.  Her real secret was mental illness, and she spent the last part of her life in a mental institution where she died from a “heart attack related to psychosis and chronic brain syndrome” which is probably 50’s shorthand for “electroshock therapy” because that was one of the only treatments available for her.  Again, I am lucky.

I keep Lillie’s picture on my desk top.  It reminds me that it’s not my fault that my brain is sometimes broken.  It reminds me that you can be broken and still love.  It reminds me that some of us get better and some of us don’t…but we all leave a trace behind.  Maybe it’s light and kindness and gentle touches.  Maybe it’s dark and bitter and angry.  For most of us, it’s both.  But I’m fighting for more of the former…any crazy way I can.

I’ll keep you posted.

PS.  Several people I know have had good results on electroconvulsive therapy now so no judgement if that worked for you.  It’s a very different animal than it was in the 50’s.  Anything that works is magic.  🙂

422 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Thank you for always talking so openly about your struggle with depression. You are amazing and an inspiration to me. I hope this works for you.

    Liked by 9 people

  2. I really hope this works for you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ECT has helped several people I know who would have died by suicide had it not been for ECT. It’s not for everyone, but it’s not “One Flies Over The Cookoo’s Nest” either!

    (I have friend who’ve done it with varying degrees of success. I think now it’s better but in the 50’s it was another story. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 4 people

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  4. Thank you for your ferocity, your fragility, and your way of being here, even when it’s hard. I adore you.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. The one thing you still have is hope. If it works, that’s fantastic, if not, at least you gave it a shot. Fingers crossed it’ll help, cause no one deserves it more than you. Love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. All the ❤❤
    We are here for you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. 7
    potato queen

    Sending all the love and hope in the world your way, Jenny.

    Like

  8. I hope this works Jenny. And thank you for continuously being a voice for those that suffer from mental health issues.

    Liked by 1 person

    findingsatoriblog recently posted Sunday Talk: Red Flags.

  9. I have massage clients that I see for depression and anxiety that have had good results with TMS. I don’t understand all of what magnets can do, but there’s something deeply satisfying about the idea that you’re going to reverse the polarity and maybe save the world so there’s that. {{hugs}}

    Liked by 2 people

  10. My mammy was in the loony bin three times. Her mammy was in the same loony bin at least three times. My mammys sister was sectioned while she was living with us. To be fair I was the most interesting person at the school when she got carted away from the front door. I fought the good fight but now my wife is deid the demons are calling again. Some intensive therapy coming up over the next few weeks but I’m auld and tired. We’ll see. But you should keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. Sending good thoughts your way. I have family members who actually would swear by electro-shock and others who think Zoloft saved their lives. What works for each person is really unique. I have heard some positive things about TMS, and hope that it is the treatment that does the trick for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I admire your courage to do what it takes to feel better. Best of luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m pulling for you Jenny dear. Never give up hope, because, tomorrow is another day and another chance to feel better. Good luck

    Like

  14. Good luck, Jenny! I hope TMS works for You! Tell that invisible woodpecker that it needs to knock that depression out of your brain! We’re all here for ya! Hugs!

    Like

  15. I watched my beloved come back to me through the miracle of modern ECT, and I’m grateful for it. I hope this works for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. 16
    Awesomeness

    Exciting news! I can’t wait to hear about your progress. Great job trying something scary.

    Like

  17. Jenny- worth trying. It helped mom some, but when you stop doing it, the good effects stop also . Definitely worth trying, but don’t get your hopes up. That being said, even a few really good weeks is still something to sing about. Best of luck.

    Like

  18. I went to school for psychology and this treatment is really promising for some folks so why not try. Standing still helps nothing. I also suffer from treatment resistant depression amongst other things and I know how hard it is. We are all behind you to lift you up when you’re feeling weary xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

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  19. ❤❤❤

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  20. We’re all grateful that you’re here and doing your best, Jenny. Keep us posted on the treatments!

    Like

  21. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. It helps me underhand some of my friends better. I hope this new treatment helps you.

    Like

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  22. 22
    Matthew Gangi

    You’re a strong person, one who’s loved and adored–both as a person and writer–by many. We have faith in you!

    Like

  23. Thank you for being a pioneer. You are awesome.

    Like

  24. Best of luck to you, sweetie.

    Like

  25. Jenny, I’m pulling for you! Hugs and kisses, and gentle reminders for how good you really and truly are!

    Like

  26. I second the hope that this works for you. It is so wonderful that through all your pain and struggle you still hold on to the knowledge that you are lucky and the belief that it will get better. I look forward to reading your updates & send lots of love.

    Like

  27. 27
    Maria Parramore

    I’m wishing you so much luck with this. The day my Dad passed away I learned from my aunt that he had electroshock therapy when he was in his twenties for depression. He also suffered from anxiety most of his life. I am fortunate to not have depression, but my anxiety is at time debilitating. I’m grateful we have more options and more information now.

    Like

  28. Just so you know, ECT isn’t the worst thing in the world. I have bipolar disorder and DID. It knocked me out of a bad mixed episode once. The worst side effects are headaches (that I had anyway), and the memories around that time period being kinda mushy (honestly, a blessing). The treatments themselves you don’t remember becaue they put you under sedation. I saw a man in the inpatient unit I was in go from being completely catatonic to smiling and talking again. It is miraculous for some people. It isn’t as violent as in days past.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. However it all works out, there is lots of love for you! Thanks for sharing your adventure.

    Like

  30. 30
    Julie Spilker

    Go for it, and please please keep us posted! We are in your corner!! XO

    Like

  31. Jenny, you are an amazingly brave person and I truly hope this works for you.

    Like

  32. I’ve got MS and sometimes crippling depression and anxiety so I totally get the willingness to try something that seems crazy to the normals. Here’s hoping this treatment works like a dream and you’re in that 30% fixed category.

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  33. I’m having a huge amount of emotion for someone I’ve never even met. I’m scared for you, I’m hopeful…I feel for you the same coexistent hope and doubt that I feel for myself every time I try yet another thing to fight the demons in my head. Selfishly, I’ll be interested to hear what happens. Lovingly, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you get everything you want out of this. You are brave beyond the norm.

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  34. I love and am in awe of your vulnerability and honestly. Thank you for being so willing and open about this topic.. You’re my hero.

    Like

  35. You are amazing and inspiring. Will you be allowed to post blog entries or talk about your progress while you’re getting treatments?

    (This particular psychiatric hospital uses the time that you’re in the chair to put you through a sort of cognitive therapy workshop so I’ll be listening to people talk about handling depression and anxiety most of the time. But I’ll definitely be writing about it. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Thank you for punching a window into the dark confusing and stigmatized room of mental health. You are a buccaneer. I hope that on dark days you remember that you are helping countless thousands with your willingness to bring this cruel brain monster into the light so that we can all learn how to deal with it. insert EyeOfTheTiger music que here

    Like

  37. I really hope you find some relief with this treatment—fingers crossed. Is there any chance you’ll become an X-Man? Kind of like a superfunny version of Magneto?

    Liked by 1 person

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  38. I wish you the best of luck!!

    Like

  39. not trying to freak you out, but just to let you know: i just finished a round of TMS and because apparently i have a high motor threshold and therefore needed a higher pulse intensity, it was very painful for much longer than it’s supposed to be. just be ready to take some recovery time after the first couple sessions.

    Like

  40. I recently saw a 60 Minutes segment on this (I think it was this) and it was amazing to watch. Best of luck and we’ll be sending you strength!

    Like

  41. 41
    Cassie Steger

    I love you beautiful girl. If anyone can do this thing it’s you. No effort on self care is ever wasted.

    Like

  42. 42
    Louise Fratto

    Jenny— I’ve heard really good things about this treatment, and I know someone who really improved after having it. I’m a person who prays, so I’ll pray for success in your treatments and healing.

    Like

  43. Dang! I just realized that I’m the only person to make a weird joke. But I really do wish you have tremendous success with this—you deserve it!

    (ALWAYS MAKE WEIRD JOKES. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  44. I really hope this helps, Jenny. We love you the way you are but we want you to love YOU every day too. ❤

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  45. I really hope this works for you!

    Like

  46. I hope you get the results you are looking for and thank you so much for sharing. Is there anything we can do for our friends who are suffering from depression and anxiety. I never know what to do or say when my friend tells me she is suffering? But I read your posts and share them and hope it brings some light to her dark days. Thank you again and looking forward to reading about great results. We are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  47. You kick ass, as we all know! So dropkick those brain woodpeckers or weasels or whatever they may be!

    Like

  48. Was thinking of you yesterday when I heard about ketamine therapy from NPR. If you haven’t already tried it, it might be another option. Sending good vibes for your treatmentss to be miraculous!. https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/what-does-ketamine-do-your-brain

    (If this doesn’t work then ketamine is probably next. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  49. ❤ I’m excited for you, Jenny, and to see if this helps your depression even a tiny bit. Finding treatments is too slowly coming along. We STILL don’t seem to know enough about the brain. I’m hoping we will someday soon. I really really really hope this provides you with some relief.

    Like

  50. 50
    VERONICA CAINE

    Good for you!! It takes unbelievable courage to do this. I pray that it works!!! Let us know!

    Like

  51. You are loved!! Thank you for sharing and sending positive karma your way!

    Like

  52. I cannot tell you how much I hope this works for you– you are such a positive voice, and you deserve peace and health. Fingers crossed.

    Like

  53. Beholding your bravery. Thank you for being here sharing your life with wisdom and laughter.sese

    Like

  54. Love you, Jenny. Hoping for good results with the treatments. Hang in there!

    Like

  55. 55
    TONIA L. CLARK

    Trust your instincts and do what feels right for YOU. Forget the naysayers and keep moving forward Jenny. You got this. We are all behind you and beside you and all around you. You’ll find your way soon. Keep on, keepin on sis. Mega virtual {{HUGS}}

    Like

  56. I hope this works for you, but if it doesn’t, at least you know you tried! It takes courage to try when you don’t know what the outcome will be. I am thinking of you and sending good vibes your way!

    Like

  57. I’m always thankful that my medication works 99% of the time. I remember when I was on a different one and it stopped working. I was in a daze for 3 months and it was horrible. You do what you need to to feel better. I really hope it helps you.

    Like

  58. I think the thing I like most about this post is that there’s still hope and there are still things you can try! I’m a big fan of science and am so glad we live now and not in your great-grandmother’s time when there wasn’t much to be done about ANY illnesses. I wish you all the best and will keep my fingers and toes crossed that this will really give you some relief!

    Like

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  59. Good luck! I’ve been a follower of you for so long. True story: the first post I found of yours was when you got a box of Lego figures that all had the angry mustachioed male face. I’ll never forget that.
    I’ve had anxiety for 13 years and I have normally been able to overcome it. But after 3 years of constant crap, it’s taken over. I’ve never seen anyone for it but I’m currently trying to find a therapist. Biting the bullet myself, but I want to not over think every situation anymore! My anxiety turns into health anxiety… and logic stands outside the window looking forelorn.
    I hope we all get the help we need this year. It has to turn around at some point, right? ::hugs::

    Like

  60. (((xxxHUGSxxx))) Good luck! I truly hope this works for you and if it works for you then maybe, just maybe it might work for me, because nothing else seems to and over the last year everything seems to slowly be getting worse even though I’m working hard than every before to be as healthy as I can.

    Like

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  61. That is amazing! I hope it works for you.
    I’m just coming off Anastrozole to prevent estrogen from being produced in my body since that’s what my cancer ate. I’ve had low-grade anxiety as a side effect for several years and am waiting for the cloud to lift!

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  62. I hope this new treatment gives you some relief

    Like

  63. I admire your strength. It’s so good that you keep fighting the darkness every way you can. I hope with all my heart that these treatments help you. ❤

    Like

  64. Jenny, thankyou and very best of success. I appreciate your persistence and courage,grateful for you.

    Like

  65. I just read a book I ordered from Amazon UK called The Inflamed Mind. It’s about the potential connection of body inflammation, including RA, to depression and other mental illnesses. A fascinating read. I recommend it.

    I wish you the best of luck and I hope this treatment brings you relief!

    Like

  66. 💖💖💖

    Like

  67. https://dooce.com/2018/01/16/today-is-a-good-day-to-die/ Dooce also has depression and underwent a serious procedure as well and it worked for her. I hope this gives you hope!

    (That treatment is much different than TMS. I think hers was much more experimental and a bit extreme. But if it works for her then YAY! Sometimes you have to do extreme things to get away from extreme distress. And it’s a relief to know that there are small steps going forward every day and more and more doctors looking at new ways to fix these things. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  68. I went through this last year; think woodpecker knockin’ on your brain. I never quite got comfortable with it, but I got used to it. (cried the first several times because it is so fucking weird but then dealt with it like a soggy professional after that) For me, the results were mixed. There was a disconnection with the parts of me that always want to toss my sorry ass down into the Well of Despair so, that was good. But, there was also a bit of disassociation with the kind of Ubber-Feelings I had been accustomed to my whole life, and that threw me off balance more than I suspected it would. I’d always wanted to experience feelings like ‘normal’ folks do so I wouldn’t be so battered by my emotions. But when I did, it ended up feeling almost ‘shallow’ and cold. Doubled edged sword and all that. Brain shit is amazing in the end. We all do what we can, and I’m so glad this is available for you and that you’re utilizing it for your self-care. Good luck!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  69. I am excited for you – the potential that this might work and you will feel better excites me. I so hope it does help! And thank you for sharing this with us.

    Like

  70. Yay!! I hope you get great results. Some folks with ADHD try this too.

    (I have ADD and my doctor said I might see that improve as well. I can’t even imagine it. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  71. jenny, i so needed this. i am literally sitting in my doctor’s office to review my depression and anxiety. thank you

    Like

  72. Love you so much, sweetie! You’ve got this!

    Like

  73. I have heard some really good things about TMS! I wish you all the best, Jenny! Keep us informed! I’m keeping you in my thoughts!

    Like

  74. I know you’re about to start this new therapy, and you’ve probably already looked into/ read about ketamine infusion therapy, but I figured it doesn’t hurt to suggest it here, in case you don’t know about it and want to consider it in the future. Klarisana has had a clinic in San Antonio for several years now, I believe, but they just opened one in Austin recently.
    Good luck on your treatments!

    Like

  75. Never posted here before but just wanted to say I wish you the absolute best of luck with the treatment. I hope it is a success for you and helps you feel more “normal”. Sending love and light xoxoxoxoxox

    Like

  76. ECT saved my mom in 2005 – I hope that TMS can give you some relief!

    Like

  77. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I do hope this helps. 💛💛💛💛

    Like

  78. 78
    Bette Genia

    God Bless you for all your struggles, you come across as an amazing woman and I hope your willingness to share with us never stops but I hope, more then anything, you get to a place where you can feel more comfortable being you without all the medication and your body works with you instead of against you. Love you Jenny!!!

    Like

  79. Have you tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy, it’s a lot of work but was definitely the missing piece for me. Completely changed my life, and allowed to to get to “remission”. Something to ponder if invisible woodpeckers are not successful! Good luck with your new therapy! I hope it works perfectly for you. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes!

    Like

  80. Jenny, you are brave and strong. I will be sending you my biggest wishes that this treatment will work for you.
    Full remission is possible. I actually experienced it. No depression…not one hour of depression…for four whole years. Just normal ups and downs like normal life. It was an entirely new universe to me. Unfortunately, something very bad happened and I have been back into depression for the last five years. But I will never stop being grateful for those four wonderful years, which showed me that such a thing is possible.
    And who knows it may happen again.

    Even if you get a temporary remission, it may feel very well worth it to you.
    All my love and the best of luck!

    Like

  81. I wish you nothing but success with this. You brighten so many peoples’s lives, you deserve some light and comfort in your own.

    Like

  82. hugs and thank you for sharing your story

    Like

  83. Jenny, on pubmed.gov (National Library of Medicine – it’s the gold standard for medical research) look up oxidative stress and depression (1820 studies) and oxidative stress and rheumatoid arthritis (734 studies). What you need to know is oxidative stress is free radical damage. It’s inflammation. It’s disease. Nearly every disease you can think of is caused by o/s. Telling you this because I freaking LOVE your work and because two of my moms suffer(ed) from depression. My husband has psoriatic arthritis and the day I had to put his socks on for him because he couldn’t move, both of us in tears, was the day I started looking for answers. Telling you THIS because his job is very physical and he’s doing really well. So is my mom who is still here with us. I wouldn’t ever underestimate the importance of being able to live your damn LIFE.

    What you do with what I’m about to tell you is completely up to you. I have a product that reduces oxidative stress 40% in 30 days and 70% in 90 days. In every person, every time. Get in touch if you’d like to know more. Nothing but love and respect for you, my dear, regardless of your path and treatment of choice.

    Like

  84. I’m so very proud of you….and we have never even met. My sister is currently going thru said therapy at her extended stay in our local facility. I am super proud of her as well. You are an inspiration for everyone…those a little off their rocker or not. Keep doing all the things! So very proud of you.

    Like

  85. I really enjoyed reading this. You are great at putting into writing what so much of us feel all the time. I’m one of the fortunate ones who have found something that really works well, and I hope the TMS works well for you. Keep on educating people. Keep on fighting the good fight.

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  86. I hope this works for you. Good luck!

    Like

  87. Good luck to you! I TOTALLY understand the push of desperation to finally have you trying anything, everything, even the “crazy” things. Like you, I count my blessings for some treatments I finally found that have helped, while the search continues for other conditions yet unsolved. It is an exhausting road. The connections with others that “get” it are so very priceless, and you help bridge so many of us. (((HUGS)))

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  88. Wishing success to one of the bravest women out there.

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  89. 89
    Bonnie Craig

    Thanks for sharing this. I’m sending good energy your way.

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  90. I can’t wait to hear about your TSM experience. We have a place in Cincinnati that does this and I’ve been researching for my 18 year old son. He has been spiraling downward at breakneck speed this past year. Anxiety and depression have robbed him of his life since he was about 14. Had to stop attending regular school last year so we started with online school this year, and even that became too overwhelming. Thankfully he had enough credits to technically graduate, although that has created its own amount of stress. He has lost all of his friends. And now is showing signs of agoraphobia. Meds aren’t working. Therapy isn’t working. I can’t force him into a residential program, so I’m researching TSM.

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  91. Hoping so hard that this works for you.

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  92. Chin up, buttercup. You’ve already won half the battle. Someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. Do those. The rest will take care of itself. It’s ok not to have all the answers, and comparison is the robber of joy. I suspect your writing is affirmation that you’ve learned these truths. Even though sometimes your brain tells you lies about them, your writing brings you back around to this. I have read your blog for over a decade and I see the transformative power of not only your voice, but your thoughts. They are not always one in the same!

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  93. A severely depressed friend got TMS during a research study. He told me it was the most “normal” he had ever felt and was devastated when the study ended. I hope that you’ll get similarly spectacular results, shug.

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  94. I super love you and your brave heart.

    Like

  95. I have a friend who did it after trying everything else, and it has worked out great for him. I see the same for you, dear Jenny. Love!

    Like

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  96. I, who does not cry easily, just broke down at my desk while reading your post. I SOOO completely understand what you are going through. I just started yet another antidepressant but, so far, I don’t feel better. I am sad and tired and all I want is to feel normal. My envy of normal people is absurdly overwhelming. I hope the treatment works for you. You give so much joy to others with your books and this awesome blog. You deserve to feel happy.

    Like

  97. I have never heard of this but I hope it helps!

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  98. Thank you for sharing about this! I’d heard about TMS but didn’t know exactly what it was. I have loved ones who suffer from depression and this might be something for them to discuss with their doctors.

    Like

  99. Have I mentioned how many ways you inspire me – as a blogger and as someone who lives with anxiety & depression? Your humor and strength get me through some very dark days, today included, because rainy days sometimes suck, and it feels like I’m in a dungeon within a dungeon when I’m trapped inside of my own head inside of my house because (in your words) people exhaust me. It is good that you’re trying whatever it takes to get better. I wish I had the cohones to just seek help. But health insurance reasons…. My PCP is going to start me on a basic med for depression. It’s a start, I guess. Hugs and prayers to you!

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  100. Jenny – My heart goes to you, I’m sure this is a very scary thing. My hope is that this treatment does what you need it to do. Anyone living with a chronic illness faces issues healthy people don’t. I hope you don’t think I’m being corny when I say I’ll keep you in my prayers, but that’s exactly what I’m going to do. xoxo

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  101. A friend of mine who has struggled with depression and anxiety for more than 40 years had ECT and it was a miracle for him, a total game-changer. I wish the best for you, Jenny.

    Like

  102. 102
    Anonymous

    So much love and light to you. Does it help if I say that if it were me, I’d do it? Probably doesn’t, but it is true. ❤

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  103. 103
    Anonymous

    And you know what that woodpecker will be saying to your brain? “Knock knock, motherfucker.” Crush it, gal.

    Liked by 1 person

  104. 104
    Anonymous

    I hope that you get what you need from treatment, whether that is simply relief or remission or anywhere in between. I wish you more good days than bad and that on the inevitable bad days, no matter what cause them to be bad days, I hope you are surrounded by those who offer grace, love, and complete acceptance.

    Like

  105. Woodpecker to brain: “Knock knock, motherfucker.” Crush it, gal.

    Like

  106. A friend of mine had this. She’s one of the successes. She’s doing quite well lately. I’m sure not 100%, but she’s quite glad she overcame her fears and did it. It definitely helped her a lot. Also, now you’re like two degrees of separation from failed presidential candidate Michael Dukakis… his wife did it too (https://www.npr.org/2017/01/17/510204486/kitty-dukakis-electroshock-therapy-has-given-me-a-new-lease-on-life)

    Like

  107. Wishing you ALL THE BEST!!!!

    Like

  108. I was one of those people for whom TMS was a life-changer. After about two weeks of treatment, I started feeling happy again. It was like in the 90’s, after the fourth week on my very first antidepressant, so there’s a frame of reference to compare it to. I have more energy, see a real boost in memory and concentration, have returned to the gym, and am feeling far less paranoid about what others think of me as in the past.

    Now, to give up all the bad habits the depression helped me slide into. It’s been a slog, but I’m getting there.

    I recommend TMS wholeheartedly, Jenny. At worst, it doesn’t work. More likely, you’ll see your depression greatly lessened. I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

    Like

  109. 110
    Anonymous

    I have never posted before – but I did TMS and it really helped me! That was a few years ago and my depression has never been as bad since then. Just to warn that it did hurt physically, but sensitivity varies. Good luck!

    Like

  110. And yes, it feels like a woodpecker with an electrified beak pecking on your head. Not pleasant, but certainly bearable for 40 minutes a day over 8 weeks.

    Like

  111. i really hope this works for you. best of luck. of course i will be thinking of you.

    Like

  112. We just saw a commercial which made me say “Huh, advertising shock therapy?” Seriously, I wish you the best and I thank you for sharing. I also had familial depression and lord knows no one admitted it. I wave my Lexapro bottle high and pray it keeps working. Hugs, love and happy thoughts. We have your back.

    Like

  113. 114
    Judy Williams

    A dear friend’s 17 year old son did TMS and it was a miracle. He spent two years suffering, trying every anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine, to no avail. He was suicidal and failing at school. He just graduated and is going to college now, and six months ago he could not leave the house, nor could his mother. I hope for you the same miracle.

    Like

  114. 115
    Anonymous

    Oh Jenny, holding you in light and hope! Thank you so much for sharing your experience – you are such a gift. Love you!!!

    Like

  115. 116
    Susan Holcroft

    I just finished my 36th TMS appointment and it has been the miracle for me. I’ve never not been depressed. I feel so great right now, I wish you, everyone I care about and the entire world had access to this treatment. It is a bit daunting at first to be pecked in the head by a magnet (it doesn’t actually touch you but it feels like it). I called it my peckerhead appointments. But I got used to it. Don’t give up!!! I hope so much that you get the amazing results that I’ve gotten. It’s well worth a try. Good luck!!! Lots of love to you!!!!

    Like

  116. Good luck girl. I hope you are one of those blessed with great results. I’d say be brave, but you always are. Best wishes

    Like

  117. I hope so much that this works for you. I’ve been in that dark place and no one deserves to be there. My 16 year old son has Asperger’s (with anxiety and one bout of depression). I am continuously searching for ways to help him (and myself) to deal with the anxiety. Some things work, some not, but I keep at it and you will, too. I wish you the very, very best!
    P.S. I love your great grandmother’s equine arm.

    Like

  118. Love and Light to you, my brave friend. We will all be holding your hand as you venture forth.

    Like

  119. 120
    JenniferNennifer

    sending love and crossing all my digits for the best possible result for you.

    Like

  120. sending you love, prayers and strength.

    Like

  121. I work at a psych hospital that does ECT. (I wish we did TMS also). I’ve seen people get fantastic results from both treatments. A good friend of mine has been in complete remission from depression for about 5 years due to TMS. I wish you the very best.

    Also if you haven’t been tested for the MTHFR gene, please get tested. It means you don’t metabolize folic acid correctly, and it’s been linked to resistant depression and anxiety.

    (I do have the MTHFR mutation. I seem to collect mutations. I’ve been doing the natural vitamin remedy but no clue if it’s working. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  122. 123
    Debra Crosby

    Sending all my best wishes! You’re such an inspiration. Hang in there.

    Like

  123. You are so brave. You are honest and funny and BRAVE. Remember that when the dark part comes. You are sunshine foe others.

    Like

  124. As someone who underwent and responded well to TMS, I’m rooting for you. It gave me my life back in a lot of ways, and I hope you experience that relief too. Side note – You are going to LOVE the head gear. (Brain map swim cap!). Side note, part 2 – Sleep is something I found was pivotal to my responding well. If you’re getting 8 hours, or somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 hours, your mood will be noticeably better than on days where your sleep is crap.

    Like

  125. Honestly, if people could speak openly and honestly about depression and all of its cousins the way you do, this world would be a much better place. I have a good feeling about this for you, and keeping my fingers crossed that the treatment does what it needs to.
    You’ll also need to name your woodpecker – just saying 😉

    Like

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  126. 127
    Anonymous

    I am not going through the exact thing but I totally feel the frustration with the medical system and trying to get help that works. My mom is 97 and all of a sudden needs lots of help and nobody is moving fast or at all, it seems. You are one of my favorite people in the world because of your transparency. Bless you (I’d say Bless Your Heart but in the south that usually isnt a very nice thing to say)

    Like

  127. 128
    Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing Jenny. We are lifting you on our shoulders and we have very strong shoulders. –the bloggers/Jenny Lawson brigade

    Like

  128. Good luck, Jenny! I hope that it works for you. I have friends who have had the range of responses to it as well. I’ve got an ok medication mix going on right now, but TMS (and possibly even ECT) are on my “things to try” list if/when things get really bad and meds aren’t cutting it. You’ve got this, sister!

    Like

  129. 130
    Amanda Hart

    I hope so hard this helps.

    Like

  130. 131
    Susan Holcroft

    Maybe we should get “Peckerhead” T-shirts!

    Like

  131. #TerrifyinglyHopeful, which of course is better than #HopefullyTerrifying. I’m scared and very hopeful for you – you’re even braver than we knew. ❤ I’m going to be doing all the things to build up good karma and send it to you, because my wish is for this to work for you. XOXOXOX

    Like

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  132. 133
    Tammy Henderson

    I was close to TMS. My psych gave up on me and recommended it. Then I discovered the cost. I was going to borrow the money but my psych was being a total ass. I was dying inside. You even commented on one if my posts. But I found a new doc, I got on Lexipro and I’m back to being me. I’m talking a 180. I think the TMS is a fabulous treatment and I’m thinking of you and can’t wait to hear the great news of your transformation.

    (It’s super expensive. Part of the reason I said no in the past is that my shrink doesn’t take my insurance so TMS through her wouldn’t be covered and the full treatment would be $10k at her office. It’s cheaper other places but still more than $5k most places, which is not easy to come by. I was going to sell some stuff to cover the cost but then I got in touch with Neurostar – the people do make the machines – to ask if they had any sort of a copay system. They didn’t but they were able to work with my insurance to find a TMS provider who does take my insurance and it’s not fully covered but the amount that it covers makes it so much easier, especially since I’m already spending $300-$400 a month out-of-pocket on medication and appointments. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  133. I’ve had ECT. 2 different rounds to be precise… it worked in varying degrees. I know people that swear by it. I think it worked well enough the 2 times I did it but it cost me a lot as well. If this TMS has been available I would have jumped at it. Good luck, Jen. 🤗

    Like

  134. Keep positive and I hope this works!! Will think good thoughts for you Jenny!! Not that I ever thought bad thoughts Lol!!!

    Like

  135. I think I just watched a 60 minutes segment on depression and TMS and there was a famous politicians wife in it and I can’t for the life of me remeber who it was but it aired in the last month.

    Like

  136. You are never worthless. You mean a great deal to your family, and you inspire countless others dealing with depression.

    Like

  137. I really hope the invisible woodpecker works for you (I feel that there would be poetry in you being healed by an invisible woodpecker!)
    And I do admire your willingness to talk so openly about all your health issues/

    Like

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  138. I am also looking at getting TMS done. Please share your thoughts regarding the process. It’s a little less scary now that I know you are doing it too. I’ll let you know when I start. We can be virtual TMS buddies!

    Like

  139. 140
    Anonymous

    You should read “3000 Pulses Later” by Martha Rhodes. She had TMS done when it was in the beginning stages. I read it before I had TMS and it gave me a really good understanding of what to expect.

    Like

  140. 141
    Lady Bren

    Warm thoughts for you and your family. We’re all here for you

    Like

  141. 142
    Anonymous

    best luck to you…..brilliant,
    brave, funny Jenny

    Like

  142. Psilocybin mushrooms can also have a resetting/rewiring effect, and ayahuasca – it’s not as dodgy as it sounds, there are clinics that administer the dose and provide a therapist to help you through the trip. I have no idea how it is in the US, besides that I guess it’s illegal in most cases…. anyway, there’s a ton of research being done in that particular area at the moment, so it’s not just a bunch of crazy stoners trying to sell you this weird shroom they totally just found in their back yard, and personally I’m more and more inclined to trying it (therapeutically there are not “bad trips” – it can be horrible, I’m told, but that just means you have some horrible shit you have to get through)

    Liked by 2 people

  143. Thank you for being here. In all the ways.

    Like

  144. 145
    Marilyn Parker

    Thinking of you and how brave you are. Thank you for being so open about the very terrible challenges of mental illness. This is a wonderful, non-invasive possibility for you and for many. I pray you get some relief! We appreciate your voice❤️

    Like

  145. 146
    Queen Mary

    Best of luck, my dear!

    Like

  146. Hope isn’t a thing with feathers. Hope is a thing with electromagnetic current! Wishing you all the best on the journey to wellness.

    Like

  147. 148
    Anonymous

    TMS pulled me out of the worst of a bad bout of depression last summer. I was skeptical, but desperate, so I tried it. It might be worth mentioning that as well that I had all but given up hope of it working when, in the last week of treatment, I started to feel better.

    Like

  148. Thank you for being so open about your journey. Sending all the love and light.

    Like

  149. 150
    Laura Kennedy

    Have you read John Elder Robison’s book on TMS? It’s called Switched On. AMAZING. (BTW, I had a crazy Grandma Lillie also. Bipolar. Sadly, my youngest daughter is also seriously BP, but works hard with it and doing well right now. Me, I got off easy: cyclothymic.) I hope the TMS helps. As you say, whatever works.

    Like

  150. Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey and give the rest of us hope. You will have an even more magnetic personality after TMS!

    Like

  151. I did TMS! I did two courses, actually. It sounds so much scarier than it is, I promise you. And when it works, it really works. It didn’t work for me, but I have bipolar II, not major depression, and that’s apparently much more of a coin toss with TMS. And hey, one of my great-grandmothers also spent the last half of her life in a mental institution! She died there in 1945, only 37 years old. We acquired her medical records, several years ago, and found out that she had paranoid schizophrenia. Every single one of us, descended from her, inherited her artistic ability and one flavor of mental illness or another. Genetics!

    Like

  152. I don’t write much, but wanted you to know that I am in your pocket. Peace, blessings, and hope that the woodpecker is not an ass.

    Like

  153. Good luck, Jenny. We’re all rooting for you.

    Like

  154. I hope this works for you, Jenny. As somebody who also struggles with mental issues (depression, anxiety and PTSD), it helps when I read your writing because you remind me that I am not alone. Keep fighting, girl.

    Like

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  155. I’m VERY curious to read about how this goes for you. I’ve heard good things. You do great work to help the rest of us with malfunctioning brains feel more normal(ish). So thanks.

    Like

  156. I want to virtually hold your hand and tell you that I am so impressed with your determination and your bravery. I want nothing more than for you to be everything you want to be. Much love and support to you Jenny.

    Like

  157. My jaw actually dropped at “full remission.” I literally never even considered that could even be a thing. Such an exciting possibility, but super nerve-wracking, as well. Thank you for sharing your journey. No matter the outcome, you’re amazing!

    (Right? “Full remission” is as unbelievable to me as “won the powerball”. I mean, I’ve heard of it happening but I can’t imagine what it would actually be like. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  158. I can’t comprehend this “full remission” of which you speak. I hope this is your outcome because HOLY SHIT. Also, NOTHING is a waste of time except paying taxes.

    Like

  159. 160
    Anonymous

    Wishing you hope, love and healing. You bring so much humor and light into people’s lives (many who are struggling too), may it come back to you a hundred-fold. Good luck!

    Like

  160. Have you tried ketamine? You might check into it if you haven’t.

    (I’ve looked at it but the side effects scare me. It’s on the table though if this doesn’t work. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  161. 162
    Tammy Duthu

    Good luck to you! I hope you get great results! Thank you for sharing your journey. We are rooting for you!

    Like

  162. Bless you. Depression is a vile, soul-sucking vampire, and I hate it. I’m fortunate, mine has appeared to have magically gone into remission. I hope TMS brings you relief.

    Like

  163. Amazing recovery using the positive tools in the toolbox ! I’m glad this worked for you and why wouldn’t this new thing work too? Am glad you keep us posted!

    Like

  164. 165
    goosefairy

    My late father, a very smart man and a psychologist, used to say ‘Do what works for you. If that means howling at the moon go for it’. Good luck Jenny. Fingers crossed this works for you.

    Like

  165. Sending lots of love and encouragement your way! I hope this works for you!

    Like

  166. Lots of blessings and good wishes …keep hope

    Like

    vshrupu recently posted “Do Unto Others…”.

  167. I pray you will no longer fear the morning light and your mind will be still and quite in the night. I know its stupid but I am selfishly afraid that woodpecker might mess with your sense of humor or your world view. I know depression is an illness and you are searching for a cure, fingers crossed that this is it.

    Like

  168. I really really hope this works! ❤

    Like

  169. 170
    Emil C Dez

    TMS is great. My previous therapist does it himself and has since learned how to administer it. I was going to do it myself, but I can not shoulder the expense and medicare does not pay. So we added Latuda to my meds list and that works for now. I wish you the very best with this process and hoping it gives you much relief! God speed my dear!

    Like

  170. 171
    Tracey Robertson

    I am super fortunate that I have finally been formally diagnosed with and found a good medication combo that works for my depression/anxiety/ADD. I’m a big believer in doing what works for you (whether it’s meds, cuddle therapy (yes, that’s a thing. My therapist and I just talked about it) or electroshock therapy) because that’s a shitty way to go through life. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

    Like

  171. 172
    Anonymous

    I did TMS last year and it helped tremendously. But it did hurt a lot more than I thought it would, sadly. (Still well worth it, though.)

    Like

  172. I hope it works for you. Because I edit psychiatry books, I have read about TMS but never really understood what it is like for the patient. I look forward to reading your experiences with it. ❤

    Like

  173. I just can’t believe how strong you are. I went through a fraction of your troubles and lost my shit. This next experiment is safe and should work fine, just keep an eye open in case you see big rubber probes; if so, start screaming.

    Like

  174. I had TMS this past fall and after 2 years of sleeping, depression and anxiety, I was able to get motivated enough to apply for jobs and just landed one. Hurrah! It also helped the intrusive thoughts component of my OCD tremendously. I used to have them multiple times a day, and now I have them maybe once a week. You’ll be surprised how quickly you get used to the woodpecker effect, unless it hits a major nerve ending, but then they just adjust the device, so if you have limited energy, don’t waste it on fear. It is more like slightly uncomfortable, and that’s not a whole lot different than the lives we’ve been living. =)
    I had TMS because a brave acquaintance shared her story. You inspire so many others to find help. Thanks, Jenny!

    (Intrusive thoughts are a big part of my mental illness so I’m so glad to hear that it helped you. My dr said he thought it would help mine too. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  175. 176
    Jennifer A

    I’ve never tried TMS but then again I don’t have the anxiety. I just am bipolar and have highs or anger. My biggest problem seems to be anger. My cousin which has depression and anxiety said that a friend mentioned this to her (EMDR). she’s going to check it out. I don’t know anything about it, but for your reading pleasure https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/emdr-for-anxiety-treatment-what-is-it-and-why-does-it-work/.

    Like

  176. 177
    https://www.linkedin.com/in/brandy-wyse-56bb21a1

    Anyone who truly suffers or has suffered from severe depression or severe anxiety (I live with both, currently mild/low, but it changes yearly) would not judge you! Especially considering your constant strength to go to another appointment each day, to get out of bed each day, to not give up each day. The invisible weight and darkness is sometimes overwhelming and makes you dizzy, so that you can’t see beyond your own pain. What you’re about to do is scary because of earlier studies and stigma, but you have the strength to believe there is more to life then constant pain. You’re amazing! Honestly you saved my sanity at a point when my husband really needed me. You made me laugh on a long and sad 6 hour drive when laughing was the last thing anyone in my life wanted to do. You made me believe tomorrow would come and new possibilities.
    I hope you all the gluten-free cookies & hugs to be awaiting you after each and every appointment.

    Like

  177. 178
    Kathy Dorff

    My son had TMS and it absolutely transformed him. It doesn’t work for everyone, but for those who do respond, it’s a godsend. My suggestion: Try it! Good luck, Jenny!

    Like

  178. I have treatment resistant depression as well. I’m currently on medication levels over FDA recommended dosages, and it’s doing bupkis. I did have a brief lessening of it when I started the newest med, and it felt like my arm had been cut off. I felt like my longest friend had died. I was depressed about not being depressed. I’ve been depressed so long (roughly 36 years) I don’t know what ‘normal’ feels like. But my body just takes the meds and burns them off so fast I go into withdrawal before my next dose. I really hope the treatment really works for you, and you don’t feel like I did for those two short weeks. But then again, I’ll miss the zany antics your demons bring you to.

    Like

  179. Heather above wrote: “Also if you haven’t been tested for the MTHFR gene, please get tested. It means you don’t metabolize folic acid correctly, and it’s been linked to resistant depression and anxiety.”

    Am I the only one convinced there is just no way Jenny would NOT have that gene? It’s the MOTHERF*CKER gene for heaven’s sake!

    (actually MethyleneTetraHydroFolate Reductase and we all *have the gene, just some variations don’t work for crap, but that’s not nearly as funny).

    Liked by 1 person

  180. 181
    Anonymous

    Best of luck to you. I am lucky that my ssri keeps my brain
    under control.

    Like

  181. 182
    Anonymous

    I had TMS for the first time 3 years ago. I had great results! I had to have a follow up treatment. A year later because the doctors hadn’t figured out that you can take someone with major depression off anti-depressants completely even when they are in remisssion. I went in for another “touch-up” treatment (only 10 sessions) last year. This past year has been one of the hardest for me, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, and then I lost my job 2 months ago but I’ve been steady mentally the whole time! I highly recommend the TMS treatment for anyone that qualifies!

    Like

  182. I love you, Jenny. You are amazing, and I’m rooting for you. That said, Anne Thériault did this exact therapy and wrote about her hopeful experience: http://www.flare.com/health/rtms/

    Like

  183. I am sending positive thoughts your way. You are an inspiration to so many to continue to battle this disease. You are loved by many.

    Like

  184. Jenny, I’m sorry I don’t have time over my lunch hour to finish reading the whole post. My mom has done both TMS and ECT with varying degrees of proper follow up and of success. But, for as desperate as these horrible, hellish, afflictions are, I have this to say to anyone who would try to make her feel ashamed or embarrassed to try ANYTHING that could help: Fuck you all. Thank you for the open platform. 🙂

    Like

  185. This will work for you. I know it is hard to be positive, but there is such a thing as ‘Law of Attraction’.

    Just keep saying “thank you for TMS work for me”. Feel how you will feel when it works. Happy, healed, worthy, etc. etc. Keep thinking that. Meditate on how you will fell when it works.

    Good Luck! I am sending mega positive thoughts your way.

    Like

  186. 187
    Anonymous

    Good luck Jenny, my son suffers as well, but does no self care to improve things overall. I can’t wait to hear what your experiences are.💜

    Like

  187. Jenny, you are wonderful, amazing, and brave. So happy you are going to try TMS. As you have learned, it can really help. Sending you tons of love, support, and crossed fingers that this will be great for you!

    Like

  188. Jenny, I hope that you are able to get good results from this treatment. Keep us posted!

    Like

  189. Jenny, I’m totally in your corner. I sincerely hope this works… keep us posted. I’ve suffered from a host of mental illnesses for a long, long time now, and I really appreciate your work on destygmatizing mental illness and fighting it with humor. I try to do this in my own blog. Believe me when I say you inspire me and give people hope and much needed laughter.
    I really want to know if this works for you and am praying it does. Never give up. Keep fighting. I’m with you in spirit and hope.

    Like

    Vicky recently posted I didn’t lie.

  190. Good luck! I’m really interested in TMS — I have a lot of people in my life who suffer from depression, and I would love for there to be a new tool for them in their battle.

    (Also seconding psilocybin, weirdly enough, though I experienced beneficial effects on anxiety rather than depression.)

    Like

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  191. Good luck! I really hope that it works for you. I know only what you’ve told me about it, but my good thoughts are with you. It’s gotta be worth something. Hugs!

    Like

  192. I just completed about 30 TMS treatments. I am not “cured” but I feel soooooo much better than I did. And there is no down side to treatment. If it doesn’t work you won’t have any damage except to your pocketbook. I’d be happy to share more if it would be helpful.

    Like

  193. My maternal grandfather had ECT before I was born. I’m told by my mother it changed him. As a medical student, I saw ECT being done and spoke with patients after the treatment. They certainly didn’t feel as depressed and on balance, it wouldn’t be something I would object to.

    Like

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  194. 195
    Anonymous

    No one can decide what the right thing is for you but you. I’ve always admired your courage and openness in writing about your physical and mental health challenges, and I still do. I hope TMS gives you some relief. I look forward to reading about your experience with it, when and if you want to write about it. Sending love and peace your way.

    Like

  195. Wishing you all the best with the treatment and beyond. Your brain is a terrible and wonderful thing & hopefully the treatment kicks the terrible part into shape. In the meantime, I thought the horse head was a sash/beltbuckle from back in the day.

    Like

  196. 197
    Anonymous

    You are, as always, a light in the darkness, even when you are fighting to keep your head above water. Thank you. When you can’t swim, don’t forget that you know how to float. I’ll lend you my “water muscles” if floating feels like too much. If they deflate, I’ll pull you to shore. Depression is a lying, feckless cunt.

    Like

  197. I’m still trying to figure out how to trick a doctor into giving me anti depressants at all. I don’t know how to pick a doctor, or what history to give them so that they do what I want instead of refusing to treat me. I don’t know how to not act sketchy af because I hate doctors so much. It makes them assume I’m up to something and they refuse to help me. I’ve been trying for four years but haven’t made it to more than one appt and she blew me off.

    (I found my first really good shrink by calling the crisis hotline in my area. They had a list of specialists that could help me. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  198. You are, as always, a light in the darkness, even when you are fighting to keep your head above water. Thank you. When you can’t swim, don’t forget that you know how to float. I’ll lend you my “water muscles” if floating feels like too much. If they deflate, I’ll pull you to shore. Depression is a lying, feckless cunt.

    Like

  199. 200
    AnonyMouse

    Love you so much Jenny. Hoping this helps you feel better, and so grateful that your are letting us go along with you. In a non-creepy, non stalkery, following-on-your-blog-way where you only share what you want to.

    Like

  200. Good luck, Jenny!! You do so much good for so many people, I’m thinking this is your turn for super good things.

    Like

  201. 202
    (Another) Jenny

    I’m curious whether you’ve tried ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for your depression and anxiety. It doesn’t seek to get rid of intrusive thoughts and feelings, only to help folks struggle with them less. I’m curious about your experience with it if you have tried it.

    (I’ve done cognitive behavioral therapy that’s similar but not exactly the same. And a few tools I learned there were helpful. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  202. 203
    Tracy Shapiro

    Thanks for your openness and your insights. I have so many people in my life who don’t understand why I can’t find a “cure” to depression. They don’t understand that chasing a cure all the time can take over your life and can just lead to feeling like even more of a failure when it doesn’t work. They don’t understand why I will try treatments that seem “out there” because they believe that every “real” disease has a set treatment that always works. They can’t understand that we do the best we can and that sometimes it just sucks and the best I can hope for is that I recognize that my disease is lying to me when it tells me that the world would be better off without me in it. They can’t understand that most of the time “good enough” really is good enough. Thanks, I now send your books to everyone who feels that it’s their duty to give me their advice about how I should be more proactive with my disease—I just tell them about the humor and hope the deeper message will creep in when they’re not looking.

    Like

  203. 204
    Littlewolf

    Sending many spoons. I don’t feel that TMS would be good for me personally, but I will absolutely support you in doing whatever you feel could benefit you. Also, if it’s like a woodpecker tapping on your head, you could imagine that he or she is picking out the ‘bugs’ that you don’t want in your brain? Or is that just gross? Sometimes I’m bad at telling what’s too weird to say. But I wish you the very, very best. 🙂

    Like

  204. Thank you for not giving in to the darkness, you are a light in my world.

    Like

  205. 206
    Anonymous

    My neighbor has been getting this for a year, unbeknownst to me, and that is apparently why he’s no longer a recluse with a bad attitude. Good luck to you too. 🙂

    Like

  206. Thanks for allowing us to be a part of your journey. Mine has also gotten crazier (who knew having a 7yo and a 12yo talking in your head could be so debilitating). You give me hope.

    Like

  207. Carrie Fisher had ECT and it was successful according to many interviews she did. I have to wonder though if it perhaps shortened her life.
    The TMS sounds promising. I hope it works well for you.

    Like

  208. After hearing earlier today that Kate Spade committed suicide, I think your idea to try whatever it takes to feel better is inspiring. No one ever knows what someone else is going through. The fact that you’re seeking help is so important for others to hear. Thank you for being so open and honest about your mental illness. I wish you luck with your new treatment.

    Like

  209. 210
    arlene crandall

    Good for you Jenny. You have to try what you can to help yourself. Keep us posted, we all hope this works.

    Like

  210. 211
    Anonymous

    Good for you. Keep fighting and we will keep fighting with you!

    Like

  211. Hugs and best wishes to you. Thank you so much for your courage to talk about your struggles and how you cope with them.

    Like

  212. Good for you for taking this on and doing everything you can to make yourself well. I dont know you, but I am proud of you.

    Like

  213. I had my first bout with anxiety after having a baby. After about a year, things got better. Another year later and things seems to be dipping down again. My journey is no where near as lengthy or intense as some, but it’s still so hard. I have so much respect for anyone who deals with this on a regular basis, and especially those who talk about it like you do. Thank you for making me feel less alone, and reminding me that no one is perfect and that’s okay.

    Like

  214. In her book “Shockaholic” Carrie Fisher talks about her ECT treatment and struggles with mental illness.

    Like

  215. 216
    PibbityBibbity

    I haven’t heard of this treatment, but I’m sending all the good wishes I possibly can out into the universe for you.

    I’m also fairly certain this might be how your superhero origin story begins. So, either way, you’re good!

    Like

  216. 217
    Anonymous

    Good luck to you, Jenny. I love your writing!

    Like

  217. 218
    Jan Jenkins

    Go for it! Wishing you success and much improvement. Gotta keep trying till something works!

    Like

  218. 219
    Kristin L

    Thank you for not giving up on yourself, Jenny. I know sometimes that can be a struggle. I’m holding out hope for “normal” (whatever the hell that is) for you on those days when you can’t see the hope for yourself.

    Like

  219. 220
    Andrea Murdock

    I’m proud of you for looking looking into ways to get well- and I hope that you are one of the ones it works for! Dealing with crippling depression and anxiety myself I feel your pain. I am going to look into this treatment too. After the news of poor Kate Spade today I am reminded that I (we) can’t stop fighting this mental madness no matter how tiring it can be. I’m rambling but just wanted to send my love, non-judgement and hope to you

    Liked by 2 people

  220. Wishing you feelings of normality!

    Like

  221. 222
    (Another) Jenny

    In case it’s at all helpful, the main difference between cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and ACT is that CBT encourages you to try to get rid of bad feelings, whereas ACT helps you accept them and stop struggling with them (because you’ll never get rid of them.)

    Liked by 1 person

  222. I really hope you see positive results. Depression and anxiety are ugly illnesses and tough to harness. Hugs!

    Like

  223. 224
    Deb Banyai

    TMS (AKA TMSr – the r is for repetitive) seems to keep improving from the articles I’ve read. Better knowledge of brain sites to target, etc.. Unfortunately it’s not available in many rural areas. Fortunately for me I found a TMS study at U of M in Ann Arbor and could stay with friends. They were looking for Biomarkers assoc with results so I got to do an fMRI while doing tasks before TMS began and after. I had only a slight improvement in my TRD (Treatment Resistant Depression), so only had my commemorative fMRI picture to take home with me. That and having listened to a ton of great Radio Labs programs during treatments.
    Just think, you could spend the time coming up with Knock-knock jokes, publish them, and pay for the treatment from the royalties. Why did the woodpecker keep knocking at my brain? (Ask any 4 year old if you come up with a question but no answer – my grandson knows life doesn’t always make sense so why should his jokes).
    One more thing – TMS isn’t supposed to HURT. If it does, yell quick, because they can adjust the intensity.

    (My doctor said that even though they’ve been doing it for 10 years they still continue to improve and learn more. He said if I’d come in two years ago they wouldn’t have treated the right side of my brain for anxiety because they didn’t know for sure that it worked. They know because others agreed to have it done and find out what works or doesn’t so even if this doesn’t work at least I can tell myself that I’m helping further the studies for others.

    And the nurse said it’s uncomfortable depending on your pain threshold but that a lot of patients get used to it so quickly that they fall asleep during it. Then they have to be woken up because your brain works differently when you’re asleep so you have to be awake for the treatment. Who knew? ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  224. Best wishes with the TMS!
    I know how annoying it is to get unsolicited advice, especially when feel like you’ve already tried everything under the sun, but there’s been a fair amount of research on using Ketamine for treatment resistant depression. My pain dr prescribed it for chronic pain (joy) & I found it made my nerves less jangly (my literal nerves, in my arms), but I also found that it’s helped my depression quite a lot. I’m still on my super high dose antidepressant (the only one that helped out of the 20 I tried…well, 10-12). But the addition of ketamine pushed those dark clouds actually beyond the horizon for the first time since puberty. Anyway…something to look into if you’re interested. Or something to completely ignore if you’re not. :). Silver ribbons all around.

    Like

  225. 226
    Katie H.

    The thing about you though, Jenny, is you fight this fight EVERY DAY and you STILL manage to see the light, to reach out and touch others with your wit, charm and love. It amazes me you can hardly function because of all the strikes against you and yet you are such a light, such a touchstone, such a gift to so many of us. I truly hope this helps. You deserve to live life in the absolute best way you can. GOOD LUCK!!!! ❤

    Like

  226. I want this to be your magic bullet, so very, very much! You deserve it!

    I have an ongoing personal situation which sometimes makes my head go to really sad, dark places, and I feel badly that I “don’t have control” over it. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have depression be a constant, unwelcome companion.

    Like

    Shelley Finance recently posted Obey.

  227. I have had pretty good luck with Ketamine infusions. I have RA, osteo-arthritis, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain and Sjogren’s syndrome, as well as “increased inflammatory response to gluten”. I’ve had 2 Ketamine infusions, and the depression has lessened, and the chronic pain has eased up. The bad is it;s an off label use of Ketamine so the f*ing insurance won’t pay for it, and it’s $400 a treatment. But I think it’s worth it. If you are interested, email and I’ll give you the info for the treatment center in San Antonio.

    Like

  228. 229
    shelleybean1

    Hey Jenny, I’m a lurker and a reader of your blog and books who has been considering this treatment as well. Please update us about how it works for you so we know you are okay. It might also help push me to be brace enough to try it myself. Not quite there yet!

    Thanks as always for being honest about these scary but very real topics.

    Hugs to you and yours from VA!

    Like

  229. Best of luck, Jenny!! I SO hope this works for you! With love, and prayers, and crossed fingers…

    Like

  230. Your head is yours. Don’t let anyone else tell you what to do with it. If they don’t support your decision, fuck ’em. Best of luck.

    Like

    Janet Coburn recently posted Enough With the Ribbons, Already.

  231. 232
    Anonymous

    Thanks for being so open about mental illness. My twin was bipolar and died because his wife didn’t want him to be mentally ill and got angry if he took his medications. Suicide at 31.

    Like

  232. Thank you so much for being you and sharing with us. We are so lucky.

    Like

  233. 234
    Anonymous

    I didn’t read all 230 comments, so this may be redundant, but who is the wee lass(or laddie) that is with GG Lillie?
    And super powers to you with this treatment.

    (She’s not identified on the picture but I’d like to think it’s my grandmother. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  234. Don’t give up! I’ve suffered from migraines for 15yrs and I literally tried everything, but I didn’t give up and recently found something that seems to be working for the first time ever, there’s hope for all of us 😊

    Like

  235. Science, and onward. You’re helping it, and way more importantly (to us), you’re helping you. Even if it doesn’t achieve glowing miracle fairy dust sprinkles, brain and self are intertwined and Self is choosing. That’s huge, girl.

    Like

    Lille recently posted spiders need to read a self-help book of some sort.

  236. 237
    sweetsummer73

    Praying for you that the treatment is successful. Keep us posted.

    Like

  237. 238
    Wildrider51

    Many hugs and great good wishes for this! We love you!

    Like

  238. Even if it is electroshock therapy lite, I recall reading that Carrie Fisher said it helped her tremendously.

    Like

  239. I did TMS two years ago and unfortunately it didn’t work for me. I highly recommend bringing headphones so you can listen to some of your favorite music during the treatment. It’s loud and very uncomfortable at first, but you do get used to the sensation. Best wishes to you!

    Like

  240. I am a bit disappointed that grandma’s arm was not a horse.

    Like

  241. Wishing you the very best on this new venture!

    Like

  242. Hey there! I just wanted to stop by and tell you that you don’t need to worry about TMS at all. It’s totally non-invasive, so nothing can happen. I literally had a study using it during my master course of psychology. So try it and see if it does anything 🙂 You can do it!

    Like

  243. 244
    Anonymous

    I found your 50 pounds. You can have them back, please.

    Like

  244. When I read your blog or books, well, it makes my heart sing. Not from happiness that you suffer, but that you let people know you suffer and share your life. You lift me while you lift yourself. I don’t have the same life you do or the same challenges, but we all have them and I have have my own. I sometimes feel like I am stealing money away from my family because of the medicines and treatments that are not fully covered by insurance because we have a huge co-pay and deductable. I take time away from what I should be doing for my challenges and I feel guilty. I still do it though because I want to live and so do you. Thank you for keeping up with finding a way to live. You have a purpose and extreme value as do we all. Our world would not be as fun or curious without us. I keep telling that to myself even when I don’t believe it fully. You should believe it as it is true. Thank you for making my heart sing when I cannot hardly… Thank you for telling us you are always looking for a way to live.

    Like

  245. I LOVE YOU! Hope it works. If not…it’ll make a great blog, right? And better than having a horse head for an arm.

    Like

  246. 247
    Anonymous

    You helped get me through last year. Know that. Thankyou xx hope the treatment helps jenny I really do. You’re bloody amazing x

    Like

  247. You’re fucking amazing, Jenny. Mad as a hatter in all the good ways, and brave as heck. I wish you the best of luck, and you know you always always have us, no matter what.
    All the love in the world.

    Like

  248. 249
    Julie the Boolie Goolie

    Depression is an asshole. You’re still here. I’m still here. We’re winning even though it doesn’t always feel that way.
    The End.

    Like

  249. Jenny, I wish you the best of luck with this treatment! Nobody deserves it more than you!!!!!

    Like

  250. Much love and great big hugs to you, Jenny! You are an amazing warrior! Go kick your depression and anxiety’s ashses!

    Like

    M.L. James recently posted GDPR aka Gosh Darn Picnic Rumor … or Something Like That!.

  251. 252
    Kimberly Dick

    Good luck!!! Really hope it works well for you!

    Like

  252. 253
    Anonymous

    Wishing you all the best as you venture forth into a ‘new to you’ treatment. Have read good things about this therapy and it’s my fondest wish that it works for you.

    Like

  253. 254
    Chelsea the Unicorn

    You can do this. I hope it gives you relief. You are an amazing person and you mean so much to so many people.

    Like

  254. 255
    Anonymous

    Jenny, you will be in my thoughts! You are an amazing queen to a tribe I never knew I needed. I look forward to reading about this in your next book. #depressionlies ❤️

    Like

  255. Dearest Jenny, you are wonderful and brave, and I (along with many, many others) am holding a good thought for you as you travel your TMS journey. I send love and metta to you.

    Like

  256. If you don’t try you will always wonder how life could have been. I had my ankle fused because they said that it might lessen the constant pain but they couldn’t garentee it. It didn’t work but I’m glad I didn’t so I’m not wondering for the rest of my life. For you I definitely hope that it works great and makes your life so much better!

    Like

  257. 258
    carrie worthington

    My name is Wil Wheaton. I Live With Chronic Depression and Generalized Anxiety. I Am Not Ashamed.
    View story at Medium.com

    Not sure if you saw this article. You are mentioned. I hope your new treatment plan works for yoy.

    Liked by 1 person

  258. 259
    Anonymous

    Wishing you all the best!

    Like

  259. 260
    Woodlandmama

    My mom is a psychiatric nurse and TMS was one of her early studies. (You can Google it with her name Mary Jane Strong to see the study they did). I hope it works out well for you.

    Like

  260. 261
    Carol Anne Fusco

    Dear Jenny, Worthless? You are such a force for good in the Universe! Your presence on earth improves the lives of thousands of people. Maybe millions. I send you love and blessings and so much gratitude. May this treatment work wonders for you.

    Like

  261. 262
    Meredith Wiseman

    Be Brave! Sending virtual hugs and support!

    Like

  262. 263
    Nancy Ruddy

    Hoping that you are one of the folks for whom it works. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know that lots of people find you amazing!

    Like

  263. Thank you for always giving me hope

    Like

  264. I know lots of military folks with bad tbi and ptsd and the magnet therapy is the only thing that has helped them. So I know it will work for you. Positive thought and vibes. Just don’t let it fix your funny. Perfectly normal people are very dull.

    Like

  265. Positive thoughts bring positive results. You are an amazing person who has touched so very many people, may the joy you have sent into the world come back to tenfold. Keep looking up and all of us that love you and your writing will be praying for you.

    Like

  266. I hope this works for you ❤️

    Like

  267. I’m currently doing TMS for the second time. I’m so glad that you’ll be trying this. The first time it brought me back from the brink. They recommend having booster treatments about a year later. Silly me did not do that and a year and a quarter later was back at the brink. Months of insurance wrangling followed and I finally got to start my second set of treatments. I’ll be doing this every year now for sure! It’s weird, it can be uncomfortable or painful for some people (including me), but it is so worth it. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

    Like

  268. 269
    Anonymous

    Good luck!! 🙂 ❤

    Like

  269. I wish you luck. My Dr. would love for me to help pay off her TMS machine but it’s extremely expensive and I can’t commit to going to her office every single day (except Sunday) for 6-8 weeks. I can hardly commit to showering. Of course, when I read the headlines and wonder if Kate Spade was writing her note at the exact same time last night that I was contemplating pushing “chat now” on the suicide website it makes me wonder what else I should be doing. Maybe more meds. Just not TMS, not now. But I hope to hell it is the magic in your world.

    (I totally understand this. And I’m so glad you’re here. Keep fighting. Sometimes just breathing is an accomplishment. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  270. Hugs and love and hope…thank you for sharing your story…the good,the bad the challenging the funny

    Like

  271. Thank you for being our pioneer and reporting back from the frontier of the fight against mental illnesses. My sister in law – a nurse – said she has seen people come out of the recovery room and they seem more balanced and happier. I am sending you all the best wishes on your journey.

    Like

  272. 273
    Marcia Robbins

    You are very brave to share your struggle. Thank you and praying it helps.

    Like

  273. Suzanne here again. Wanted to clarify that I was one of those people who got improvement, from feeling suicidal to “just” mild depression. For me, mild depression is a miracle compared to how I had been feeling. So even though there was no full remission, it was very worth it to me, and we had to pay the full amount out of pocket the first time, thankfully this time I switched to insurance that does pay for it.

    Like

  274. You are brave, and funny, and write amazingly funny stuff. And you have been struggling for a very long time with those demons. I had a friend who had some of the same kinds of demons, and he had the electro shock and said it worked wonders for him.

    Fingers crossed, Jenny. All of them.

    Like

    judyt54 recently posted Fable (for our time too, probably) T13.

  275. It’s definitely worth a try. Your last paragraph was very poetic. You give hope to a lot of people. I’ll be next in line if this works for you! Thanks for the update.

    Like

  276. TMS pulled me out of a deep depression. It was never painful, I never had side effects. Blessing🤗

    Like

  277. 278
    Sarah Doherty

    I’ve done TMC. Worked great for awhile then kind of faded away. If nothing else, it’s a super funky feeling that is kinda fun. Good luck!

    Like

  278. Ahhh I’m so proud of you. It’s big and scary but gosh darn it you really do deserve a more settled brain! I really hope it’s a success for you. And even if it’s not, you’re amazing for giving it a go and that doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. All the possible well-wishes coming your way!

    Like

  279. Love, Light, and Hugs all around.

    Like

  280. I did 6.5 weeks of TMS a year and a half ago. I am still on anti-depressants but my anxiety is AMAZINGLY better. Like fantastically glowingly gloriously better. I watched, well re-watched really, episodes of Star Trek TNG while doing it. Felt like I needed a bit of sci-fi while my brain was getting tapped by woodpeckers. Hoping with every single part of me especially my magnetically super charged brain that TMS helps you too!!

    Liked by 1 person

  281. 282
    Anonymous

    So many pDocs have watched me walk into their offices and been ready to throw whatever potion their drug reps are pimping that week at me, that I’m quite bitter.
    For other people I’d like to say advocate for yourself and insist on scientific rigor. You deserve a through medical history, a physical and blood work. That said, no one has ever asked me about my 50+ old metal fillings, something I suspect is one part of my particular puzzle…
    There’s another post in here mentioning Carrie Fisher’s experience with ECT and that she’d said it helped.
    Another aspect of treatment I feel strongly about, is therapy for the family of the patient. Family also need a safe place to be vulnerable and to ask questions. And, away from their loved one, to cry and rage and vent.
    You are resolved to walk forward with your lamp held aloft, but you wear a cloak of love from many strangers who walk with you in spirit. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  282. 283
    Anonymous

    Your Other GGM having a horse neck for an arm is so interesting! I’m sure that after being with her for a few minutes the shock wears off and she seemed just like the rest of us. It must have been hard to control if a guest was munching an apple as the neck is probably pretty muscular. People of her era got to have fun shooting the Reven’oor (taxman) when they’d come on their property but yeah, the mental health aspect of those times was pretty grim. That’s probably about the era where the Swiss were keeping their patients in beds outside in the cold and for reasons I don’t know, that was said to work. But I like your course of medical procedures better.

    Like

  283. 284
    Anonymous

    Hoping for all the best for you, Jenny. Whatever woo-woo works is good, and I believe that whatever you do and report on is good for so many people. You go.

    Like

  284. Rather fervently hoping that the ability to shoot lightening bolts out of your finger tips might be a fine side effect to the TMS. Hope quite, quite fervently that this brings relief.

    (AMEN. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  285. 286
    Anonymous

    Jenny, I did TMS so this is first hand info. I could not handle it, but I think I am particularly sensitive. It is a little bit more than just a feeling of a woodpecker. Or maybe it’s just a really big woodpecker. I think what I felt would be ok for most people. But I wasn’t prepared for it and I want you to be. Everyone kept saying it doesn’t hurt, it’s just a little tapping. It’s actually a bit more than that. You could call it uncomfortable. Just go in ready for that and I think you will be ok. And more importantly, I felt like it was working. If someone prepared me like I am trying to prepare you, I think I would have been ok. I really hope you handle it better than me. I am confident that you will. I am just too sensitive. So go with confidence. You can do this and it really could make a difference. Please keep us posted.

    Like

  286. I did TMS and it was a miracle for me. I’m so glad to hear that you’re getting help, and I hope that it works miracles for you too. It is a little like a woodpecker tapping at your brain, but not in an unpleasant way. Thank you for writing this blog; it has been a miracle for me too, and reminds me that I’m not alone in my brain-brokenness. It took a little while for the effects of the TMS to show up, but once it did, my friends and co-workers immediately noticed the difference in me. Hang in there, and don’t give up! Remember that depression lies. (Something you taught me years ago and that I remind myself in the dark times.) Many hugs!

    They did a left brain treatment for my depression and a right brain treatment for my anxiety and both helped immensely. I’m still taking medication for both, but I’m a lot better now.

    Like

  287. i just finished your audio book Furiously Happy and began your previous book. i have never read a blog before or replied to one. I described your book to my fiancee as Robin Williams on crack – I love and miss him. But I miss my son more – he killed himself almost 2 years ago and my head keeps repeating what Victor said to you in your book that if you were dead it would be easier but it wouldn’t be better. God that’s so true. My life is so much easier without him but its not at all better. I have not idea why I’m writing this, but I have no one to talk to

    (I am sending you so much love. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 1 person

  288. I say GO FOR IT! I was terrified to try hypnotherapy but it worked for me.

    Like

  289. Sending big love and warm fuzzies. You have got this.

    Like

  290. Actually my mother had electroshock therapy in the 1960’s and it helped her out of her depression. She lost about a month of memories. I hope this treatment works for you! Love your writing.

    Like

  291. 292
    Jennifer Stone

    I’m gonna quote “The Help” here: “You is smart, you is kind, you is important.”
    Like so many of your fans, I deal with an anxiety and depression and I echo their comments – we are pulling for you!!!!!!!

    Like

  292. I did TMS last year when my meds stopped working. It was expensive, but worth it. I have chronic depression and generalized anxiety, and they can do TMS treatments for both. It helped tremendously to get me out of the fog I was in and get me functional. I still have to take meds,but the bouts of depression and panic attacks are gone.

    Like

  293. The reason we need as many tools as we can get in our medical toolboxes is because human beings are so gloriously and wonderfully different. I mean, yeah we are all carbon based life with very little genetic difference from bananas…wow. I wonder if bananas get depressed or anxious? Ah, anyway. Best of luck with your venture into ornithological manipulation of your brain meats, and hoping you will come out of this happier and healthier. And not a banana.

    Like

  294. ECT is actually really effective for people when medications don’t work. It’s not like in the past at all and only takes about 10 mins to do. It’s another safe alternative that you may want to do some research on if your TMS doesn’t work. Most patients walk in depressed and walk out feeling much better 15 minutes or so later.

    Like

  295. 296
    Liberty Baker

    do what you need! good luck! I was reading your books on my recent adventure. my friend whom i was staying with has a statue of david that is missing an arm and has a cracked neck. it may have been the books influencing me, but it did make me think of you since it was wonky 😉 i told him he should make the missing arm a tentacle of c’thulu using a pool noodle to sculpt it.

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  296. 297
    Ruth Feiertag

    Jenny,

    Add my voice to the chorus of those who wish you well and are grateful for your presence and writing. A neighbour gave me Furiously Happy at a point where I desperately needed your book, though I didn’t know it. I hope this treatment works for you. My therapist has brought up ECT a couple of times; what I find scary is realizing that my depression has become so pervasive that she thinks I might need such treatment. I think your book has staved off that option for a while.

    We’re routing for you, Jenny!

    Like

  297. 298
    Jenny M.

    Jenny, your resilance and determination to live your very best life is very moving and beautiful to see. You inspire me so much to move forward and try new things regardless of my current obstacles and fears. Sending very positive healing unicorn happy thoughts for you!!!!

    Like

  298. Do you have to do this as an inpatient, or do you basically get day passes? I truly hope this works for you. Even a little bit of healing is better than none.

    (Day passes since it’s pretty close to me. Usually you can drive yourself there and back each day without issues, which makes it much easier. I’m lucky I live near a big city so I have more options than a lot of other people do. ~ Jenny)

    Like

  299. Wishing you all the best success in this new treatment option. Hugs to you, Jenny!

    Like

  300. Sending you good wishes!!! swooosh (What I imagine a wish sounds like.)

    I’m imagining that this must be really scary for you so sending you strength and stamina as well. (I don’t have a sound effect for those. I think they just slide into your disposition like a quiet shadow.)

    Hugs from Montreal.

    Like

    Mona Andrei (aka Moxie-Dude) recently posted I need help with a math problem.

  301. Just go for it, it sounds like you have got to the point where you have tried everything else, you have nothing to lose.

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  302. 303
    Lady Macbeth

    Jenny, I’ve had ECT; it was a last-ditch effort after so many medications had failed (my current medication keeps me alive, but it doesn’t make me human). I was only able to make it through a few sessions, as the subsequent migraines were too much for me to handle, and the doctors who were treating me were unwilling to prescribe anything to help. So, I had to stop. But, in the last few months (after hearing about it from a friend in Canada), I have been considering TMS, so I’m really interested to see what your journey is like.

    I need you to be strong so I can be strong. We (your readers/followers/fans/fellow neurotics) are all a part of you here, and you, a part of us. You make our days brighter every time you post, even when it’s something serious like this, as it reminds us that we are not alone in this world; I hope our comments in turn remind you of the same. Your willingness to put it all our there reminds us to be brave. Your persistence reminds us to be strong. Your relationship with your family and animals reminds us to find meaning in our lives wherever and whenever we can. Your regularly humorous posts remind us that we’d miss laughing so hard we cried if we were to disappear into the darkness.

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  303. 304
    skyweaver

    Hey, Jenny. Good luck with your treatment. I hope it goes really really well. I have no advice or opinion about anything, I’m just sending good thoughts your way.

    Like

  304. Again, thank you for your honesty and openness!!!! I hope and pray that this helps….. Keep your little light shining and of course when I saw the news about Kendra Scott, I said “Depression Lies” I wish I could have told her that 24 hours before.

    Like

  305. I had good results from ECT, I guess it is fair enough to say that it saved my life, and even a year after my last treatment, a year which has had incredible challenges all along the way, it seems to still be helping me. Even with the positive outcome, I still can’t quite believe that I chose to do it and went through the experience of it. I hope you get to a better place.

    Like

  306. 307
    Rodney Blackwell

    God bless you Jenny and prayers from Alabama

    Like

  307. I’m so looking forward to hearing how this goes with you. I hope hope hope it works.

    I’ve considered ECT before. But the barriers to getting to the point where they will do ECT are more than my brain can navigate. Which is a whole thing no one talks about with mental health solutions. People with depression don’t have the mental wherewithall to get through all the extra steps required by medical professionals in order to get the help the they need. They need to figure that out.
    I get the feeling sometimes that they only think you deserve help if you can make it through the barriers to entry. Also, there is the feeling that I’m failing to be mentally sick enough.
    I’m glad you got all the steps done. You have done so much I often hope to do and can’t really seem to sustain. If this works it will be like a beacon for me.

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  308. Wishing you the best and hoping for full remission for you. You are a light for so many people, more than you know.

    Best,
    Rose

    Like

  309. Honey, never, ever worry that you did not leave a “trace behind” – you left a mega-highway.
    Good for you to try anything that seems promising. Too many people let mental illness stop them from trying.

    Like

  310. Good luck, Jenny. Thanks for having the courage to speak about your struggle. There are so many of us out there.

    Like

  311. 312
    Calliope

    Good luck – I hope for all the best for you. I thought I was going crazy. You make it better. You help me stay above ground, so you need to stay above ground. Thank you. – Calli

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  312. 313
    Carla Kennedy

    Good Luck with your TMS treatment. I hope they give you the results you want and need.

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  313. 314
    Anonymous

    I’m wishing you success, and at the risk of loading on more baggage you don’t need right now, I can’t think of a better person to spread the word on this therapy if it helps you, or even if it doesn’t. I’m also waiting to read Heather Armstrong’s upcoming book about the “near death” therapy that helped her. We understand so little about how the brain works – I admire you ladies so much for being the brave explorers that will help so many more people in the future. Big hugs!
    PS My acupuncture treatments seem to be working on my broken brain – I’m still fat, but am hoping once I can completely go off meds some of the fat will go away too.

    Like

  314. As my equine veterinarian likes to say, “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a stick.” I hope this works for you too. All the good wishes coming your way.

    Like

  315. I love you. I’m pulling for you. ❤

    Like

  316. I’m picturing a few stuffed woodpeckers for some reason.

    Like

  317. You do what’s right for you. Your gaggle will all be here for you when it’s done, myself included. x

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  318. I had TMS done about a year ago. You already know more about it than I ever did, but then as a severely depressed person, I wasn’t the greatest decision maker and would have gone along with just about anything if it meant the depression would go away.
    I think it hurt more than anyone explained. I also felt like it was a bit of a cash cow situation for the doctor vs deep desire to help depressed people.
    It took a loooong time to work for me but work it did in very subtle ways. No big “i’m cured!!” moment for me.
    Would I do it again? No. The extra stress placed on my life to get to the daily appointments and the spacy/fatigue feeling afterwards plus the out of pocket expense wasn’t worth the trade off in depression reduction. GeneSight would be the way I’d go next time to better use medicines available. But I also know that everything works differently for different people and you’ve got to find and fight for your best normal anyway you can.

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  319. I’m thrilled for you! I hope this gives you the life that you and your family deserve.

    Like

  320. 321
    Kendra Lee

    Fingers crossed that this treatment is a big help for you. ❤ I love that you are willing to seek healing, even when it could (possibly) feel less scary to just stand still. I’ll be pulling for you.

    Like

  321. Hope it works out for you! It’s pretty much the only thing I haven’t tried, so I’m curious about what you think of it.

    Like

  322. Your great-grandmother was my great-grandmother. I hope that the treatment brings you great results. I know that you will always advocate for better treatment, and understanding.

    Like

  323. 324
    designgeeksf

    wow, reading through everyone’s experience is such a mixed bag of results with this therapy. that doesn’t really surprise me though. all therapies are imperfect and don’t work for everyone. its always a matter of weighing up impact and money. huh, 40 minutes of woodpeckery daily for two months? though, i totally understand the desire to just make it stop.

    you have given all of us readers so much, Jenny! the brilliant writing (your side) and frequent snorting (my side). I admire your courage and perseverance. its so important to me personally (and many, many of us) to read this blog. thank you for continuing to write about your life and experiences. HOWEVER, no pressure. please take the time you need for yourself and please don’t feel obliged to write if it doesn’t feel right. Sending you good wishes from San Francsico.

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  324. ‪I just finished TMS last week. It took about 4 to 5 weeks for me to notice a difference. Some people describe it as a switch turning on. For me it was way more subtle., like “hey, I didn’t dread waking up this morning.” I feel like I might be capable of functioning rather than being overwhelmed at the thought of doing a load of laundry… I’m nervous about when daylight savings time goes away. That’s when I usually crump. BTW, I love your books! Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of the world. You do more good and help more people than you probably know. ‬

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  325. I’ve been told I’m overly optimistic about things but I’m excited for you! Thank you for sharing it will all of this. I’m lucky that my bipolar is treatable with little meds and therapy, but this has been brought up if I get worse or if my partner can’t stand the side effects of his meds anymore; he’s bipolar too. I can’t imagine what toll it takes on you to share with all of us. But thank you! It helps us. I’ll be praying for you but I think you’ll have a good outcome

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  326. 327
    Jim Finley

    I’ve heard a lot of good things about TMS and so far nothing bad. My wife’s psychiatrist, a very good doctor we respect and trust, is a TMS practitioner, and we’re both thinking about undergoing the process, as we both have issues with treatment-resistant depression. Good luck, Jenny, and thank you very much for sharing your experiences and feelings. You’re doing a lot to help many, many people.

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  327. Trying is never a waste. Crossing all the things that it works for you. Love you hard.

    Like

  328. Wishing you some relief! Depression and anxiety rule my world, I’m told. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me for the longest time. You’re taking a brave step (woodpecker brain sounds unpleasant), but you’re also taking charge of your health which is so important. Pulling for you. You know my email, I think. If you need support, please reach out. I’m here. (colleen at colleendiamond dot me.)

    Like

  329. I just wanted to say that I love you and I’m sorry you’re hurting. You bring so much joy into my life.

    Like

  330. Regarding this “scary” new therapy you’re considering … I’ve heard nothing but good things about it. So, not scary at all. TMS is NOT the same as ECT. And, while I would never do ECT myself, if a person makes an informed consent decision to try it, then more power to them (Oh God, no pun intended … I SWEAR!), I hope it does what they need.

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  331. 332
    Anonymous

    I hope this procedure helps you. I’ve enjoyed your writing for quite some time and appreciate you sharing the good, bad & ugly of your life. Here’s wishing you more of the good!

    Like

  332. 334
    Pam Brady

    I love you and wish you more and more happy days. I hope this treatment works like magic for you.

    Like

  333. I thought the procedure sounded scary, but you explained it like it was a normal procedure. I hope it works for you, and if it doesn’t, you are still a great writer who has inspired people with your open honesty about something I can’t confess to.

    Like

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  334. 336
    Anonymous

    My husband has had ECT (which pulled him out of a deep depression but which he will not do again and which has had some lasting results that aren’t great) and is about to finish his run of transcranial magnetic stimulation this week. The results seem to be a bit mixed, and he still spends some days quite depressed, but he also seems to have more bounce to him than he has in a while.

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  335. 337
    Andrew Bowen

    Your friend Tonya (here in Austin) recommended your blog to me.) I read your post for Tuesday (6/5) and I wanted to write. I recently completed 22 sessions of ECT. My mood has definitely stabilized. ECT was a very scary experience as my thoughts ran towards scenes of electroshock therapy portrayed in the movies. However the medical staff was always extremely warm, supportive and was very willing to answer my questions. There have been side effects that I am dealing with but they are much more manageable than the severe depression that I had for the better part of my life. The depression was so bad that I was unable to work and barely functioned during the day. I applaud your efforts and accomplishments! Depression and anxiety create a huge appetite, especially for sugar, so weight management and better health are great accomplishments. Good for you! One thing I learned when making lists of goals was to set the goal low enough so that I could be consistent. Before doing this I had grand goals and was very inconsistent. The “failures” re-enforced my self-hate messages and worsened the depression and anxiety. Also, one thing to know is that while ECT addressed the depression it did not address the severe abuse I encountered in my life. Fortunately, I have found a good therapist and psychiatrist and I continue to work on those issues. I looked into TMS while considering ECT but I found zero scientific or experiential information posted last August. Just marketing. Most of the data I have found on ECT has been posted in the last 6 to 8 months. While I do not have any experience with TMS I’m happy to lend my experiences with ECT, mental illness and recovery. It is possible! Please feel free to send any questions to me on FB. I’m Andrew Bowen in Austin, Texas and my profile photo is of a wonderful cat named Marble. I look forward to keeping up with your experiences as I try to express my ECT experience online, something I’ve never done before. Best wishes!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  336. 338
    Andrew Bowen

    PS I echo your sentiment that the world is LONG OVERDUE in investing in brain research and their associated illnesses!

    Like

  337. 339
    Ann Ripley

    Through everything you have this optimism/desire to get better, feel better. You are an inspiration and thank you for telling your story. My depression/anxiety seems possible to overcome when I read your stories. Your strength is incredible and please remember your own words and everyone else out here completely messed up but getting by one day (sometimes one hour at a time.) Hugs!!!

    Like

  338. Sounds very interesting and promising. Sending positive thoughts your way ❤

    Like

  339. My fingers are crossed for success fir you.

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  340. 342
    Anonymous

    You have not only left a trace, but a fine etched squiggly, line

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  341. 343
    David in Havasu

    You are an extraordinary lady, whose strength and perseverance will help your stand the challenges ahead. With the support of family and friends ,may they help smooth the road before you. Best wishes.

    Like

  342. 344
    Anonymous

    Jenny, check out the September 2017 edition of National Geographic. The main article is on addiction but it talks about TMS possibly stopping (curing?) serious addictions. They describe it as a brain reboot. Maybe you can reboot your brain and get relief from depression & anxiety. ALL THE HUGS

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  343. That’s one of the worst things about mental health issues, especially depression and anxiety. “Normal” people say “I’ve felt nervous before” or “I’ve been sad before”, so they assume they know what a person with anxiety or depression is going through. But they don’t realize that those feelings they experienced are x100 for people with an actual mental health disorder–it’s debilitating. It. Wears. A. Person. Down. You do anything you’re comfortable with to feel better. No need to explain or defend it–but God love you for talking openly about it so your readers with mental health issues don’t feel alone.

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  344. 346
    Karen Reeves

    We had a brain-pecking woodpecker at work when we were remodeling our office – a really, really LOUD brain-pecking woodpecker – okay, not really a woodpecker but a jackhammer that was definitely pecking my brain hard. It did NOT help my brain, so I’m glad yours is a different type. I’m sending you good thoughts and prayers, air kisses from my 5 dogs, good karma, and everything good in the universe. I’m expecting everything to go your way. Love you bunches.

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  345. Sending you all the positive thoughts and wishes for this to work for you. You will be one of the 30 percent, if prayers and good thoughts can make it so.

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  346. 348
    Anonymous

    Anything that works is magic. Sending all the good thoughts your way.

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  347. Wishing you all the best magic, Jenny!

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  348. 350
    Jacqueline Martino

    I’ve not heard of this treatment. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to do some reading. Maybe it would help me, too. I’ll be thinking of you and sending love!

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  349. I so hope this helps you!! Like you, I’ve been through what feels like every physical and psychological treatment to try to get to a place that is just close enough to normal for me to function. I’ve been inpatient, outpatient, partial hospitalization, long term residential treatment, every kind of pill and type of psychotherapy, and even ECT (which they overdid and left me with a lot of memory and other problems). I haven’t tried the TMS (I was told that I probably wasn’t a good candidate because they weren’t sure how/if it would effect my multiple sclerosis), so I think the next thing I’m going to try is the new ketamine treatment as soon as a doctor near me starts doing it. Again, good luck. You deserve all the best! Don’t let depression tell you anything else!!

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  350. I did it. Didn’t fix me, sadly. Changed the location of my headaches, oddly.

    But it doesn’t hurt. It’s mostly weird. And boring. And hard to sit still for each hour-long session.

    I’m glad I tried, and I hope it works for you.

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  351. 353
    Anonymous

    Hoping the treatment brings you some peace. Also hoping this story brings a smile to you -When I was a kid I went trick or treating the day before Halloween and said I was going to get my tonsils out on 10/31. I was too anxious I wouldn’t candy when everyone else went. Of course I also went back out on 10/31…I still laugh and think its f***ing sad.

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  352. I hope that the magnetic woodpeckers give you some, if not a metric fuckton of relief. Thank you for having the courage of a badass and taking us on your journey. This is really fucking cool, because those of us in a simular situation can share what worked for us and what didn’t. And maybe someone who is reading through these comments will discover a treatment they haven’t tried before, and then everybody gets better and live happily ever after with margaritas or the libation of your choosing. OK, well best wishes and health and healing to you!

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  353. I am hoping that this works wonders for you! I’ve read up about it as well and it’s expensive but I think if you can do it, it’s worth a try. It seems much safer than electric shock and honestly, probably safer than most of the medications out there which all have long term side effects. Bravo for trying this. Wishing full remission for you. 💜

    Like

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  354. Sometimes, all we have left is to try Door #3. We could get an all-expense paid trip to an exotic location (are the return expenses included – always wondered) or we get a lifetime supply of canned pork and beans. Here’s hoping your treatments help.

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  355. My word!/3000+ follows. Must be a magic

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  356. I really hope this helps you! It sounds scary as hell but it also sounds like it might help a whole lot, and if I were still in the depths of depression for most of each year like I used to be I’d hope I’d be as brave as you to try something like this to help it. I actually don’t know much about my ancestors past my grandparents, but I know enough to know that there’s definitely some mental illness in my family history that never got properly diagnosed or treated because of the times. We live in interesting times now, on one hand it’s amazing and wonderful how far mental illness acceptance and treatment has come, on the other hand it’s still just ‘taboo’ enough that there are still plenty of people who don’t/can’t get the treatment they need.

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  357. I considered this therapy too Jenny, but I chickened out. I am praying it will work for you! Please keep us posted! Lots of love and hugs coming your way! Duck! Or goose. Your choice. 🙂 Thank you for all the laughter you share with us. You are a truly brave person and you inspire me to want to be brave too.

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  358. Jenny All I can do is wish you well, and hold you (and your family) in my thoughts. I really hope it goes well

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  359. Ketamine appears to be working wonders for severe chronic depression and anxiety.

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  360. I know how it can feel to just get to the point of trying absolutely anything to help. For me it is not my depression, which is situational, but chronic unending migraines, that might be malfunctioning nerves. We are looking at one of two treatments after exhausting everything else. Either we are implanting a device “similar to a pace maker” that will give continues shocks to the nerve lines, or just cutting the nerve lines completely, which kinda scares the crap out of me. But the thought of being without pain is something incomprehensible after years of this. Good luck with yours!

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  361. 363
    Anonymous

    Wishing you all the best. You are such an inspiration!

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  362. 364
    Rachel Unger

    I think the fact that you found this and qualified for it and did all the nutty stuff required to qualify for it while having trouble focusing means that you’re amazing. (Why is that when mental illness is an issue, you aren’t given a helper to handle all the paperwork and logistics crap?) Wishing you the best possible result.

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  363. 365
    Anonymous

    Hang in there. Hope this works for you & if it does I may do it on my husband while he is sleeping.

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  364. 366
    Anonymous

    I just want to wish you luck. You are wonderful and brave and inspiring. My battle is so minor in comparison but coming here, to you, always makes me feel a little better, a little stronger, even if it’s just knowing I’m not alone. So you take care of you, we’ll be here along the way, and after, whether it’s a whole new world or back to square one.

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  365. Thank you, as always, for being so open. I wish you all the best with it!

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  366. 368
    Anonymous

    I am currently in TMS treatment. It is weird and a little annoying, but overall not bad. I have done 8 treatments so far and I am already sleeping better. Good luck!!

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  367. Love you and I was in a psych ward with a guy getting it. It was amazing seeing his progress.

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  368. I don’t know what kind of sacrifice to make to the brain magnet gods, but I’ll figure something out. May you have as much peace and comfort as possible on this 6-8 week journey. We love you.

    Like

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  369. I really hope you can get your insurance straightened out, because I would really love to hear a firsthand account of this and know if it works. I’m having a lot of the same issues and I’m very tired of pills that only sometimes work and that I’m not sure can stand up to the hormonal changes of perimenopause, let alone full-blown, and I don’t know what normal feels like or even sorta normal or even what it feels like to have motivation to leave the house for something other than money or food. In the meantime, the only thing that reliably makes me laugh is Fat Cat Art.

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  370. 372
    Shannon White

    I’m a bit late to this conversation because honestly, Jenny, I save your posts for those times when I need a dose of humor. Not because I am laughing AT you or thinking “damn I’m normal compared to this whack job” but honestly because YOU embody hope and honesty and humor for me. You never fail to make me smile, and I know how you suffer, Jenny, but you should find great joy within yourself that you bring a smile to my face on MY bad days, and I’m sure many others.
    So ECT – I was offered the treatment 8 years ago and I could not wrap my mind around the idea that it IS different than the stigma my heart can not, will not overcome. My grandmother had a host of terrible mental illnesses in her 30’s, which passed to my cousin who dove off a cliff in his teens and was paralyzed from the waist down and is institutionalized still in his 40’s. My husband Grandmother had also been institutionalized for a time in her 30’s when electro-shock therapy was horrific and just a tad short of a lobotomy and my father said she was never the same. I loved her and I thought she was ‘normal’ but that’s because she didn’t talk a lot and my time with her consisted of going to the movies (yay Muppets!). But when I was old enough to hear these stories from my father and paired the treatment done to my grandmother with movie/tv sensationalism of the procedure and the horror of institutionalizations in her era I just cry. But Jenny – as with most things, like RA and my Crohn’s Disease – the research and progress has come SOO far – remission for a person like me with Crohn’s Disease for 30 years or for your RA was only a dream when we were diagnosed and now such diagnosis is not that scary because there are so many more treatments. And now for the depression and anxiety (which I suffer from as well, to a lesser extent than yours) is highly treatable too and ECT is not the same that my grandmother endured – it’s a barely recognizable version of the original. I completely support your decision to forge a path in the hope of progress and relief. And with your awesome funny quirky little personality, I bet you a buck that though you will definitely be frightened at first, by the time you lay down the first time you will have named that woodpecker, drawn a picture of him, and decided to be buddies. Cuz that’s what you do – YOU MAKE IT ENDURABLE. FOR ALL OF US! I’m proud of you, I’m excited for the hope, and I’ll be praying for you. Just remember – make that woodpecker your image of a beautiful bird in the woods performing the function for which he was created. Cuz isn’t that the same as the function of a REAL woodpecker – to perform the function for which he was created? I believe in YOU and I believe this will at the very least bring comfort and peace if not full remission. Forge that path for the others behind you. You are loved, you are supported, and you are admired.

    Like

  371. Do you know Heather Armstrong from dooce.com? Reach out to her…..please…..
    **I haven’t had time to read all the previous comments, and I apologize if this has already been mentioned

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  372. 374
    Anonymous

    Really good luck. I know what it feels like to be desperate for a treatment that will work. It’s worth a shot. Remember, if it doesn’t work, you will find other ways to tackle things.

    No matter how hard it was, you still somehow managed to end that blog post with a positive spin – you are trying to leave a mark on the world that is more positive than negative. Given how your book made me roar with laughter and all these messages of support, your wider impact on the world is surely positive.

    Not just despite, but BECAUSE of the pain you’re going through, you’re changing the world for the better – you’re using your pain for good.

    Like

  373. I hope this process works for you and the benefits outweigh the scariness. I’ve never heard of it until reading your post. Please keep us posted on how it works. My great-grandmother had a few mental issues as well, alzheimers being the most talked about. She bequethed that disease to her daughter, then to her daughter, leaving me next in line for it. Still, depression and anxiety run through our family’s veins and I sympathize with what you’re going through. Meds can only do so much, especially when they only work half the time. Best to you.

    Like

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  374. 376
    Liza Mohr

    Sending you love and light and wishing with all my might for all the best outcomes for you. Your writing and just you being you has made such a positive impact in the lives of so many people, and has made a positive impact on me personally. Love to you.

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  375. 377
    Anonymous

    💙💙💙

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  376. I found your book in the middle of the night, random shit from the Universe. I have been teetering on a wire, trying to find approval for checking out of life. Grew up in Mormon Cult, left at 18, homeless for a bit – everyone should try that at least once. Humbling, fucking terrifying, soul-defining experience. Spent a decade running from ME, from memories, monsters within my brain telling me how much I suck at life, being drawn to people/experiences that reinforced that notion. Managed to get through college, degree in genetics. Had a stroke. Reinforced I must be horrible/need to be punished. Embraced that, twisted logic. Went back to college again – to avoid being an adult. Became a nurse. Worked in oncology and hospice, because let’s focus on people who have it worse than I do to make myself feel better! Nothing altruistic about that. But, found my own humanity in that process – that I was actually a good person deep inside. That i was not the sum of all the shit that was done to me. Found a man that I could tolerate because I wanted children. Pathetic bc I didn’t believe I deserved better. Horribly abusive in the end, his belief system stuck in the period of “you can’t rape your wife”. 5 pregnancies, 2 beautiful children – my purpose for living. Received sprinkling of therapy throughout my adulthood, just enough to survive but not thrive. a bandage. Finally found courage to leave the marriage after beaten with metal pole and raped one night. He was cunning though – reported me “missing and threatening suicide” when he knew I was at police station filing a restraining order. Police came to escort him out of house and they promptly took me in handcuffs to hospital for psych eval! Well-played my friend!! That was the beginning of the end for me. The darkness settled, surrounding my soul completely. I had lost my children, just as he promised if I ever left him. He had a full hand, my history of mental illness and seeking treatment would be my demise. I had no money, he emptied the bank accounts while I was being evaluated. He had unlimited financial resources, attorneys. He was arrested and was facing 20 years in prison for battery, but because I lost my children – I lost the will to fight and didn’t follow through with criminal trial. The horrific landslide continued. I had no lawyer. He managed to get courts to agree that I should only have supervised visitation with my children – and once you get stuck in the horrific court loop, you never get out. So the wife-beater/raper is a better parent than one with mental illness… WTF???? I’m a productive member of society, I do ALS research. I help people prepare for death and then do their Autopsies (which is a surreal experience to peel off someone’s face that you were just speaking with sometimes just 2 or 3 hours prior!). I assist in procuring biopsies from patients with ALS – and actually transplant that muscle into the leg of a mouse – which feels mildly like science fiction to me still. Fascinating and technically difficult microsurgery – and i LOVE every minute of it. Deeply rewarding. I mentor high school students who work with me in the summer – and I get to freak them out by having them assist with grinding up brain tissue to record the pH. I’m active in my community with friends, I kayak and skydive. I LIVE even in the face of a fucking ridiculous mental illness (PTSD). And, it’s this mental illness that has taken my children from me – JUST because I have it. Doesn’t matter that I’m fully functioning. The courts don’t care. No one cares. My children are lost in this battle and they are being raised by a monster. I feel like mental illness is the chain that has bound me to this darkness forever. which leads me to believe all the horrific internal monsters that tell me to just give up because what is life without my 2 beautiful children. it’s nothing. AND THEN I FOUND YOUR BOOK. Just 2 days ago. I had plans. I wrote the stupid goodbye letters. I was making it ok in my mind to leave. That it would be better for my kids, easier in the long run… all the BS you tell yourself to make it easier for ME to let go. To just say FUCK IT, you win – life. THEN… I opened your book at 2 am and started reading. Then starting crying, from laughter – which had not happened in a long time for me. Pure belly laughter, tears. I felt I knew you, you understood exactly where I was at that moment in time. I still laugh when I think about dog biscuits. I read your entire book that night. It reframed everything for me. I’ve decided to FIGHT for my children. I don’t know exactly HOW I will do it just yet… and that’s ok. I burned the letters to them. I vowed never to write another one. I don’t feel as alone anymore because I know at least one person now that truly understands this fucked up roller coaster ride, controlled by mental illness.

    I don’t know if you will ever read this, But, I’m sending it out to the Universe anyhow – to YOU. Because I think it’s important to acknowledge others when they have touched you in such a profound manner. Your words are gifts. Brilliantly written and delivered with such delight, such truth about the darkness and fucked up humor along the way – which surprisingly can keep us afloat. If you can’t laugh at the crazy shit, you won’t survive long. And, from someone who does Autopsies and tiny mouse microsurgeries – I feel like I live in a world where I’m constantly saying “You can’t make this shit up, it’s just that crazy”! But, crazy in a funny fucked up sort of way. Which is why I connected deeply to your book and all your stories. You reminded me to embrace all the crazy little moments that make us laugh, that help us get through another day when all we want to do is shut down and let go. I don’t know if I will ever get my children back, which saddens and scares me beyond words. The injustice is unspeakable. But – thankfully I found your book… and I am choosing to fight. For my children, for my life, for more laughter – we could all use more laughter on this journey.

    Thank you, Jenny… Sincerely. And – Best of luck with TMS!!!!!

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  377. Good luck Jenny!

    Like

  378. TMS always gets a good write-up in New Scientist. Seems every time they do a study on it, the conclusion is “works surprisingly well, painless, vanishingly small risk of side effects.” I wish my little pills were rated that highly….

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  379. 381
    Anonymous

    I hope this is successful for you! Always wishing you sunshine!

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  380. 382
    Sue Hayden Zieman

    My husband had TMS a little over a year ago, he is down to one med and does function better. I am outside, observing and he didn’t really say a whole lot about his experience. But, just a month ago I was helping cleaning out his car, and found the cap in a plastic bag behind the seat. So it must have meant a lot to him and been a life changer for him to save this memento of the experience. Lots of luck to you and good on you for trying different things to help yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  381. Jenny, I hope you have amazing success with this treatment! My 4 year old nephew calls woodpeckers “bird peckers”. I hope that will make you smile during the tapping. 🙂 Good luck!!

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  382. 384
    Anonymous

    Please please please never give up. You are amazing.

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  383. Hey Jenny, Thanks !!!
    You may not know how much it means to hear about other people with issues like me. It really makes my day to read whatever you write. Also, I love your excellent animal naming skills.
    Your bravery (that looks spelled wrong), courage and openness makes me think I could do better. Like so many here, I hope the treatments go well and are an amazing and successful experience.
    Much Love !

    Like

  384. 386
    Anonymous

    My 21 year old son had rTMS a few years ago and he received a great deal of benefit from it. He actually got very used to the treatment and would often fall asleep while undergoing the treatment. He said it was a little unpleasant initially but not painful. I know everyone is different. Hoping you have a good experience.

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  385. I have done this and it didn’t help. But you seem to revel in your depression and use it to manipulate and make money so maybe if you try it and it works your sheeple will get it provided they have insurance or can pay for it.

    Like

  386. I’m a little scared s***less of 100% cured Jenny. What if you become one of those chipper kale eating cross fit people but I’d be happy if that happened even though those people scare the piss out of me because you’d be happy. Omg Victor will take you to all the parties and you won’t say any inappropriate comments or hide under tables and he’ll regret all the times he was like act normal because his life will become boring and he’ll be forced to eat kale every day. Also thanks for explaining the horse arm thing I didn’t know if I should ask because that seams like a personal family matter. Luv ya Jenny and luv all the amazing people one here. You are all beautiful and amazing don’t let anyone tell you different

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  387. 389
    Kathleen

    I see my comments are taken down because I don’t worship at the alter of Jenny. Dooce went through a brain reboot to try and get rid of her depression but Jenny whines and makes posts about how HARD her life in the million dollar house with her family dancing attendance.

    (All twenty of your comments are up, including the negative ones. I’ve never deleted any of them. Most of my community ignores the negative but that doesn’t mean we don’t read it. I don’t live in a million dollar house. We don’t dance? Most of the things you say are very confusing to me but you seem to be struggling and I understand how much that sucks. I’m sorry about that. Sending love. ~ Jenny)

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  388. I posted your link in my blog this week because it is so relevant to those we have lost this week. (I hope that’s ok!) My maternal side had so many sad and horrific stories due to mental illness. I applaud you for being so open, you are an amazing author and your stories are so desperately needed today.

    Like

    Humane Growth Blog recently posted The Dark.

  389. 391
    Jocelyn Shaw

    You are loved. Depression lies. You can do this, we’re all pulling for you.

    Like

  390. I know you already know this, but you are not alone. I fight the same battle everyday. It’s always fun waking up not knowing if the anxiety, the depression or neither will be the battle for the day. I hope the TMS works for you like it has for many others. Know that your battles, stories and fight help the rest of us. Fight for us but most of all, fight for yourself.

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  391. I really hope this works for you!
    New psychiatrist has changed my diagnosis so I am starting lithium and I am terrified, but I have tried many things over a long time, so I have to try, even if I am not certain of the new diagnosis. Currently I feel even worse than before, but I won’t give in, and hearing from you helps me feel more resolved/able to be strong & brave instead of hopeless. You make me feel I have been working hard even though often depression says I am not.

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  392. If you are willing to stop thinking of yourself as “broken”, I may have some suggestions.

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  393. 395
    Anonymous

    I’m on a group of medications that keep me from the terrors and pain and anxiety I had throughout my life and kept me from wanting to commit suicide when my 13 month old great granddaughter was murdered a few years ago. I don’t often get up and happy and I miss that but this even calm is so much better than the agony of living with myself was. My hope for you is that you get free of the ice particles and get to feel joy as well.

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  394. 396
    dereky93

    Well, that is a unique way of getting a “buzz”. Hope it works for you. My wife suffers from similar issues so, while I can’t feel your pain, I can understand your pain. My wife describes depression as having a broken brain but it is not in a cast that everyone can see so they wonder what is wrong with you. BTW – Just finished Furiously Happy, good job.

    Like

  395. 397
    Anonymous

    Jenny,
    You are amazing! I sent you an email and you answered it. So, now I’m trying to figure out this blog thing. I want to keep in touch with you. I will be with you in spirit and hope for the best. Damn girl, you are So Good for So Many People. Thank you for being brave and speaking out. You are my hero.
    Deb Green.

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  396. Thank you. This is one of my favourite entries. So honest and raw. And fierce. Love your honesty and willingness to share!! It makes a lonely world feel less lonely 😊

    Like

  397. I know that my meds don’t work as well when I’m in pain. RA has got to take a toll, for sure. Thinking of you!

    Like

  398. people who can be around others without feeling exhausted <<< wait there are people like that? new here…enjoying what i’ve been reading so far!

    Like

  399. Here is Jenny’s house

    (Okay. Nope. I know you suffer from mental illness and I have sympathy for that but you don’t get to post my address on my page. I moved here because I had a stalker and this bullshit of posting my home address is not okay. I didn’t pay anything close to what you’re implying but even if I did, so what? Depression doesn’t discriminate by what house you live in. I’m lucky to have a nice house and a nice family. My husband and I have worked hard for decades to get here but I’m also incredibly lucky and I realize that. No one here is surprised by that. I don’t know why my house, my mental illness, my family, this community and everything else you’ve commented about upsets you but I’m sorry you feel so upset by it. I’ve tried to be kind in spite of your comments but it might be better if you avoid this place if it makes you this unhappy. I’m not for everyone and that’s okay. If you post my public information again though I will block you. It’s not safe for me or for my family. Thanks. ~ Jenny)

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  400. I wish you well, dear Bloggess. You are brave & funny. I’m grateful to have found you.

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  401. You got this!!

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  402. 404
    David Ballard

    My mom just finished this treatment a month or so ago. She said it seemed to do nothing for about 2/3 of the treatment course, but she started feeling A LOT better 1/3 of the way from the end. Dad also sees a lot of improvement in her. I hope this works well for you.

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  403. My daughter did TMS in San Antonio. Helped her after about 3 1/2 weeks of treatment not be suicidal anymore. And she had suicidal thoughts for a year before that. It’s been two years and hasn’t been that low since. There’s always hope!

    Like

  404. 406
    Laurel White

    Have you heard about Ketamine? Another option if you need a back up plan for your back up plan I have had enormous shifts in my night time anxiety ( I was taking 200mgs of Seroquel every night for years but now I take it rarely ) and depression and nerve pain by taking CBD. Google — cbd for < your concern here >. I have found a lot of information from basic information on CBD to which companys who are holding themselves by a higher standard, like Charlotte’s Web which was founded to help children with severe seizures. I hope you don’t need anymore options. I would never forgive myself if you DID NEED OPTIONS and I chose not to share them with the person who has given ME relief all the time. Take Care Jenny you matter to me.

    Like

  405. I have been reading your blog for years and have never commented but i have to about this. I am so happy you are going to try this. I have suffered depression/anxiety for over 23 years. Diagnosed at 12 years old and have tried everything. I have been hospitalized on 3 occassions and have thought the world would be better without me way more times than I can count. I did TMS about a year and a half ago. I went 5 days a week for 3 months. (they tapered me off slower than most people) I have now officially been off all medications for one year this month. I work hard to keep my depression at bay. (eating habits, meditations, working out, coloring to keep distracted in tough times, etc) But it is manageable now. I pray it works for you as well. Sending love and strength your way. (it hurts the first few times but gets easier. Don’t let it discourage you!)

    Like

  406. Love and light to you! ❤ You are so right: Anything that works is magic.

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  407. Jenny, I say try it. Best of luck. We have to be willing to take risks with this disease sometimes, because maybe someday it will be the thing that works or is a less shitty option. Love you.

    Like

  408. 410
    Cindy Yaklin

    I was just reading an article about Ketamine injections to treat severe depression. I hope you find something that works for you because you should know you are as awesome as everyone else believes you are.

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  409. When you show us the ways you continue to persevere, both by simply enduring the heinous fuckery that is mental illness and by clawing your way towards something better, you give me courage. I hear you cheering me on to persevere, too.

    I just weaned off the antidepressant I had been taking for 20 years, the one that finally put an end to my teenage suicide ideation because – get this – it has been counteracting the anti-anxiety meds I’ve been on for 12 years. That took so much courage. And now I’m working this out with a doc I trust and have new meds worked out and it actually went really smoothly and I can hardly believe I’m on the other end of the breakdown that started this winter. I needed courage every hour of every day. Lady, I am so lucky to feel like you are in my corner. Thank you for all of it.

    And know that we are in your corner today. Cheering you on. Ready to lend you some of our courage, should you need us. (Ah, Labyrinth quotes. Where would we be without them? https://i.pinimg.com/originals/2c/4a/9e/2c4a9ee498933690770657f0462d1097.jpg)

    Liked by 1 person

  410. I think I’m approaching my 100th TMS treatment. It has changed my life. I did a series of 36 treatments, about two months later my mood started slipping so I went back for more. I currently go 3 times a week and feel so much better. If anything, TMS gives hope that options are out there. I was hoping to modify my meds once I finished treatment but I’ve accepted I just have to stay on them. Sending you good thoughts. PS you might want ear plugs during treatment.

    Liked by 2 people

  411. Fingers crossed, girl. I hope it works. But no matter what, you rock, Jenny. You spread more light than you know. I am looking into Ketamine for my own depression. Have you had any experience with it?

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  412. No matter what happens, Jenny, you’ll always be my hero. You are complete Queen and, wether this works or not, that will never change. I am number 25. Thank you so much for that. I won’t be here without you and I was truly blessed to be introduced to your books and your blog. Good luck!

    Like

    Sara recently posted Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow or if you love someone tell them now.

  413. ECT saved my life. It made me stop seeing things. It made me not want to kill myself every moment of everyday. It allowed me to get off of some of the meds which had terrible side effects that I had been on for so long.

    On the.other hand, it severely damaged me. My long and short term memories are shot. Both significant and mundane.I can’t remember my wedding day (which was years before ECT) or what movie I watched this weekend (years after ECT). I have lost cognitive function. I’m told by the medical community that it doesn’t work that way. To which I say “screw you”. Politely, but firmly.

    I’ve also been through months of TMS. It is a very strong and apparently angry woodpecker. It pretty much hurt and didn’t do much for me so that one was not for me.

    I am currently on Ketamine therapy. You start with a series of infusions and then move on to a nasal inhaler. This has been the most effective therapy for me in a long time. Plus, the infusions make you trip balls-happiest drug-induced state of my life (not same effect with inhaler). The downside is it’s insanely expensive and not covered by insurance. But I highly recommend that if you’ve tried unsuccessfully the other stuff, this might be worth exploring.

    My two cents: do your research and try a thing that makes sense to you. Something can be a dud for one of us and a life changer for another.

    Thanks for making this space to share and laugh and cry. Despite the fact I’ve been following you forever, this is my first post. Hope it inspires people to keep trying stuff, even the scary stuff, if it’s right for you.

    Like

  414. 416
    Karen Burns

    Good luck with this. Thank you for sharing your life with the world. You are making a difference. I hope you’ll be able to hang on to your hope through all it!

    Like

  415. Oh damn I really hope this works for you; because if it does, I’m going to look into it. I’ve about run the full gamut of meds over the course of 20 years, and I’m just done.

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  416. 418
    Anonymous

    Sending love and hugs and furiously happy thoughts.

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  417. I hadn’t checked in in awhile and I just read this post. I am so excited for you! I have considered this treatment in the past but the cost was not possible for me to afford. My fingers are crossed that it’s going to do the trick! Like someone said earlier, thank you so much for being brave enough to post about your battles with mental health. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!

    Like

  418. oh! Dear. I wish all the very best for you. I am also a survivor and have been lately using an Indian Ayurvedic medicine for arthritis for joint pain relief.

    Like

  419. Hello friend. I just read your post. I am honestly sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can understand the frustrations that not being sure what tomorrow holds can bring. I need to ask you this, do you believe in God? God is our creator, and an ever present help in times of need. God can help you with your situation. However, God would stay knocking on the doors of your heart unless you let him in. When we walk faithfully with God, he fills us with the gift of the holy spirit. The holy spirit introduces a host of positive feelings into our lives. Concerning the holy spirit, Galatians 5:22 says “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness”.

    i suggest that you begin a relationship with God. Take heed however, God would not come down from heaven to help you, however, he would send help through the people around you and sometimes through complete strangers. God would bless your treatment process so that it would be more successful, and he has the power to transform your mind. I suggest that you begin the relationship with him.

    If you wish to start a relationship with God (if you do not already have one), here are the steps that I usually recommend:

    1) find a quiet space free from distractions, a place where you can pray.

    2) imagine that Jesus is in front of you, talk to him the way you will with a close friend. Tell him that you are ready to accept him, invite him to come into your life and become your lord and personal savior. Ask for forgiveness of past sins. Tell Jesus that you want to die to your old self and be reborn as a new creation in him. Pray that you inherit eternal life and the kingdom of God. Beware of sudden distractions when you pray, this is a trick the devil uses to stop us from having focused prayers. You might also get the feeling that God is not there or that you are simply wasting your time, this is another trick that the devil uses to discourage us from prayers.

    3) If you have any specific prayers, or something specific that you need, you can ask it in Jesus name, and God would attend to the prayers. God usually has three answers to prayers: Yes, Yes but wait, and No. God has a reason for every answer, and his answers are usually what is best for you. When you pray, you need to have faith that you will receive. God does not like it when we pray but doubt his ability to provide what we want for us. Lastly, prayers and faith without works wont bring results. E.g. If all a person does is prays and has faith that they would get a job, without actually applying to jobs, they WOULD NOT get a job. God does not work that way, God loves hard-working people, and God rewards hard-work. If all Christians had to do is pray, have faith, and stay home all day awaiting a blessing, Christians would be the laziest people on earth. LOL. Your part is to pray that God should fast-track your success, so that you recieve your blessings quicker than people who are relying on their own strength. Your blessings might also come in a bigger way. Remember to thank God when you get the answers to your prayers.

    4) Read the bible and obey it. You can find free bibles online. You can also find free bible apps on google play. Keep praying all the time and maintain a connection with God.

    5) Trials and tribulations may come your way, sometimes these are designed to test your faith, and sometimes they are simply tricks from the devil to get you to denounce the religion. At times like this, you pray to God, you fast, and you maintain consistency in the faith, this way, God would lift you above all trials and afflictions.

    6) You can join a community of bible believing Christians. Having friends who are believers would keep you on track, and the conversations about the religion would be beneficial to your faith.

    7) Get a water baptism, and pray to God so that you can receive a baptism in the holy spirit.

    8) Begin to educate yourself on the things of the lord. Read books from ministers who have practised deliverance, healing, seeing in the spirit, and other gifts. Read about how they got these anoiting and learn more about the workings of the spiritual realm through Christian books.

    (The things written in this list are not to be followed in any particular order. The most important thing is to begin by asking for a forgiveness of sins, and to confess Jesus as your personal lord and saviour, you can mix up the order of the rest. However, I strongly suggest you do them all simultaneously)

    I pray that God showers his grace on you in Jesus name, Amen. Stay blessed, and have a wonderful day.

    Like

  420. […] The Bloggess tries a fascinating new treatment […]

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