This month I’m working on my new books so I’m sharing some chapters you never saw because they didn’t make it in my last book. Enjoy!
THE THIRD ARGUMENT I HAD WITH VICTOR THIS WEEK
Me: We should do this. It’s like a fountain. Made of beer and plastic cups.
Victor: Why would you want to make drinking beer more complicated?
Me: “More complicated”? Beer-drinking is complicated to you?
Victor: No, it’s not. That’s the whole point of beer. It’s supposed to be easy.
Me: And that’s why we should do this thing. It takes the easiness of beer and then adds an element of excitement to it. And danger. And a furious elegance.
Victor: I’m pretty sure there’s nothing elegant about chugging four glasses of beer at the same time.
Me: And I think that your definition of elegant is a little limited. I’m gonna do it.
Victor: NONONO, YOU’RE GOING TO SPILL IT ALL OVER THE-
Victor: I cannotbelieve you did that.
Me: Really? It’s like you don’t even know me. BTW, that’s what four glasses of beer look like on the floor.
Victor: You’re dead to me. Clean this up before it spreads to the carpet.
Me: It’s like a waterfall. But with beer. It’s a beerfall. Which is totally aptly named, now that I see all the beer on the floor. It’s like the warning was right there in the title.
Victor: How many times have you tried the four-beer thing?
Me: This was my first time.
Me: …Inside the house, I mean. Obviously did some practice runs, but I did them outside because I didn’t want to spill beer all over the kitchen because I thought that I might not be perfect at it the first time. And turns out, I was totally right. I’m even right when I’m drunk. I’m on my 16th beer, yo.
Victor: OH MY GOD, there is beer all over the porch. How many cups did you spill out there?
Victor: So…all of them, basically?
Me: I don’t know. I can’t be expected to do math when I’ve had 16 beers.
Victor: You haven’t HAD 16 beers. You’ve SPILLED 16 beers.
Me: Yeah. The MOST beers. Ever. It’s like a record.
Victor: That’s not something to be proud of.
Me: I can’t be held accountable for that. SIXTEEN BEERS, VICTOR.
Victor: …ARE ON THE FLOOR, JENNY. They don’t count if you don’t swallow.
Me: Ew. Are we still talking about beers?
Victor: You know what? Never mind. Good for you.
Me: Really? Well, now I feel like you’re just humoring me.
Victor: I am. And now I have to hose off the porch.
Me: No, don’t. I’m trying to get the ants drunk to see if they can still focus.
Me: I’m drunk AND I’M DOING SCIENCE.
Victor: That’s insane.
Me: No. It’s multi-tasking.
Winners: Beer manufacturers. Ants getting drunk for free.
Loser: The carpet.