The Third Argument I Had With Victor This Week

This month I’m working on my new books so I’m sharing some chapters you never saw because they didn’t make it in my last book.  Enjoy!

THE THIRD ARGUMENT I HAD WITH VICTOR THIS WEEK

Me: We should do this.  It’s like a fountain. Made of beer and plastic cups.

(This is from the internet and is not me. You can tell because I have less facial hair and manual dexterity.)

Victor: Why would you want to make drinking beer more complicated?

Me: “More complicated”?  Beer-drinking is complicated to you?

Victor: No, it’s not.  That’s the whole point of beer.  It’s supposed to be easy.

Me:  And that’s why we should do this thing.  It takes the easiness of beer and then adds an element of excitement to it.  And danger.  And a furious elegance.

Victor: I’m pretty sure there’s nothing elegant about chugging four glasses of beer at the same time.

Me: And I think that your definition of elegant is a little limited.  I’m gonna do it.

Victor: NONONO, YOU’RE GOING TO SPILL IT ALL OVER THE-

Me: Fuck.

Victor: I cannotbelieve you did that.

Me:  Really?  It’s like you don’t even know me.  BTW, that’s what four glasses of beer look like on the floor.

Victor: You’re dead to me.  Clean this up before it spreads to the carpet.

Me: It’s like a waterfall.  But with beer.  It’s a beerfall.  Which is totally aptly named, now that I see all the beer on the floor.  It’s like the warning was right there in the title.

Victor: How many times have you tried the four-beer thing?

Me: This was my first time.

Victor: Ahem.

Me: …Inside the house, I mean. Obviously did some practice runs, but I did them outside because I didn’t want to spill beer all over the kitchen because I thought that I might not be perfect at it the first time.  And turns out, I was totally right.  I’m even right when I’m drunk.  I’m on my 16th beer, yo.

Victor: OH MY GOD, there is beer all over the porch.  How many cups did you spill out there?

Me: Um…like…12?

Victor: So…all of them, basically?

Me: I don’t know.  I can’t be expected to do math when I’ve had 16 beers.

Victor: You haven’t HAD 16 beers.  You’ve SPILLED 16 beers.

Me: Yeah.  The MOST beers.  Ever.  It’s like a record.

Victor: That’s not something to be proud of.

Me: I can’t be held accountable for that.  SIXTEEN BEERS, VICTOR.

Victor: …ARE ON THE FLOOR, JENNY.  They don’t count if you don’t swallow.

Me: Ew.  Are we still talking about beers?

Victor: You know what?  Never mind.  Good for you.

Me:  Really?  Well, now I feel like you’re just humoring me.

Victor: I am.  And now I have to hose off the porch.

Me: No, don’t.  I’m trying to get the ants drunk to see if they can still focus.

Victor: **glare**

Me: I’m drunk AND I’M DOING SCIENCE.

Victor: That’s insane.

Me: No.  It’s multi-tasking.

Winners: Beer manufacturers.  Ants getting drunk for free.   

Loser: The carpet.

118 thoughts on “The Third Argument I Had With Victor This Week

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I love it! I’ll admit I haven’t attempted to do this, but now I am VERY tempted.
    I can’t wait for your new books, if we’re getting more content like this!

  2. My husband said don’t think about it when I told him about your 16 beers. I’m grounded for spilling Jack Daniels last week.

  3. Heading to order your first two books right now! I know, I’m way behind
    and I apologize!!! Forgive me & pass the beer please. 😂🍺🍺🍺🍺

  4. You need a four pronged holder for the beer glasses. Obviously the problem is that your ladylike hands are too small to hold the glasses. If Victor really loved you he would get to work inventing a four beer chugger holder. Also, drunk ants is a good name for a band. Or drunk aunts. Either way.

  5. We did something similar. With squirrels. Actually my husband just knocked over his jack and coke and when he stumbled into the house to get a towel we had 3 squirrels lapping at the puddle of alcohol on the patio floor.

    The ants arrived later.

  6. Perhaps you can absorb 16 spilled beers through the pours of your skin almost as well as the conventional method. (Who wants to be conventional anyway?)

  7. You’d think Victor would know you by now! And how did this NOT make it into one of your books? Can’t wait for your new ones. And Happy Anniversary early to you and Victor!

  8. Wait! You actually have THREE books already… how did I not know this?? Hey, that sounds like a good book title. “How Did I Not Know This?” ….ok, ordering three now. Books. Not beers.

  9. Just in case Victor needs a reminder that things could have been worse:

    I can’t remember the name for what this is called but my friend and I used to do these shots where you pour Sambuca into a martini glass, drink it down, light the residual alcohol on fire, flip the glass over onto a flat surface to smother the flames, then lift it very slightly and suck out the alcohol vapor with a straw.

    We did this indoors on her parents’ kitchen counter, because science?

    Anyway, yeah spilling beer isn’t great, but AT LEAST IT WASN’T ON FIRE, VICTOR. Be grateful for small mercies, and all that.

  10. Well? The drunk ant results? Don’t tease us with science and then just leave us hanging, woman!!

  11. My hero. I’m now going to buy 16 beers after work today, so that I can attempt to drank 4 at a time. I figure I have similar coordination struggles and 16 beers will be the appropriate amount to successfully consume 32 oz of beer.

  12. 😂😂😂. I love my husband, but Victor is way more entertaining. Possibly because you give him good material to work with…

  13. Now I’m trying to imagine a SIXTEEN beer fountain… but I’m stuck on figuring out the math for how many helping its going to require. The formula seems to involve a complicated ratio of drunkenness to hands. Unless .. I KNOW!! We can train the ants to hold the cups! They each have multiple hands so it’ll take fewer of them, plus, they are MUCH cheaper to get drunk enough to participate! See, we DO think about you here, Victor. WE’RE SAVING YOU MONEY,

  14. Props to you for having the balls to try such a stunt! Hahaha I don’t even think I would want to attempt.

  15. I have NEVER learned to chug beer. Maybe I have been trying to chug too delicately all along….”Damn straight I chugged 16 beers straight to the floor!”

  16. I believe this is considered alcohol abuse. By those who like beer. Personally, I think the stuff is probably more useful poured on the floor. At least then you’re forced to wipe up the beer-soaked dust that you haven’t voluntarily cleaned in months. Then you can say you had beer and still cleaned the house.

  17. I’d be more than happy to send my ants over to your house; they could be the designated drivers.

  18. It has been said that the most common last words in 20th century America were “Here, hold my beer.”

    So yeah, for once I’m Team Victor.
    That has NOTHING to do with me preferring wine to beer, I swear.

  19. Oh I almost forgot… some of my odder college research just paid off. This from 1877…Victorian science, y’all.

    “ON THE HABITS OF ANTS.
    By SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, Bart.
    …No ant would voluntarily degrade herself by getting drunk, and it was not easy in all cases to hit off the requisite degree of this compulsory intoxication. In all cases they were made quite drunk, so that they lay helplessly on their backs. The sober ants seemed much puzzled at finding their friends in this helpless and discreditable condition. They took them up and carried them about for a while in a sort of aimless way, as if they did not know what to do with their drunkards, any more than we do. Ultimately, however, the results were as follows: The ants removed twenty-five friends and thirty strangers. Of the friends, twenty were carried into the nest, where no doubt they slept off the effect of the spirit—at least, we saw no more of them—and five were thrown into the water. Of the strangers, on the contrary, twenty-four were thrown into the water; only six were taken into the nest, and four of these were shortly afterward brought out again and thrown away.

    The difference in the treatment of friends and strangers was, therefore, most marked.

    https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Popular_Science_Monthly/Volume_11/May_1877/On_the_Habits_of_Ants

  20. OMG!!! HA! I love this! I had to read it to my husband because I was laughing so hard that he was… concerned… Ha!

  21. Beer Yuck. Let’s talk Magner’s Cider…..It’s made from apples. So it’s healthful. And tastes way better than beer.

  22. How big are those guys hands that he can actually hold 4 beers at once?! Good job I have man hands cuz I’m totally trying this with wine glasses.

  23. You know, Thomas Edison had the exact same argument with his spouse when he tried to explain the beer fountain.

  24. OMFG, I snorted coffee out my nose reading this. Victor just doesn’t understand what a gem you are.

  25. I just got out of Princeton House, a very lively mental health hospital for the third time in three years and I was feeling quite shitty and “failureishly”. Then I came across your post and it made me feel happy. Thanks Jenny! (And Victor as well.)

  26. Someone already said they’d like to be a fly on your wall, but I think now I’d rather be an ant on your porch!

  27. On the plus side, Jenny & The Tipsy Ant Trail is a great name for a children’s book. Or an angsty rock band that loses track of the lyrics and starts mumbling halfway through any given song.
    One of those.

  28. If Victor really wanted to win this argument he would have attempted the four beer thing and succeeded but since he was to scared to try you win. Congratulations WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER

  29. I sat and giggled all the way through this, then made my husband read it. I said “You didn’t laugh even once!?” (Thinking “Dude, wtf is wrong with you?”) He sighed and said “Of course not. I’m Victor.” 🙂

  30. I enjoy reading these “fights” you guys have, relationship goals!! Keep on trucking and keep being you!!!

  31. I’ve never seen a drunk ant, but drunk wasps are pretty amusing. I used to have an apple tree that dropped its apples on a stone patio, resulting in a lot of broken apples that fermented in the sun, and subsequently attracted a lot of wasps. The wasps would get eat the fermenting fruit and stagger around on the patio, apparently too inebriated to remember how to fly.

  32. I would suggest that, perhaps, the beer really should be left on the porch. Because drunk raccoons might be kind of funny. Or mean. They might be mean drunks. Never mind.

  33. Victor such be impressed that you didn’t use the word vagina once!! Awesomeness chapter!! 🙌
    lacking on the vagina a bit though 😂

  34. I would love to be a fly on your wall and just listen to your conversations with Victor. Thanks for making me smile. Hope all is still going well with your treatments.

  35. My god. You and Victor have WAY more interesting arguments than my husband and I do. Then again, it might be because I don’t drink beer — I should totally start.

  36. Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
    When the pub was shut for the night.
    When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
    And stood in the pale moonlight.

    He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
    Then back on his haunches he sat.
    And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
    “Bring on the goddamn cat!”

    –Old Irish, anon.

  37. I don’t know whether to cry over spilled beer or cheer for the ants. There’s so much going on in this post!

  38. Not sure why, but in my mind Victor had a British accent throughout that entire exchange.

  39. So you know that after you die, and are lined up at the pearly gates, you’ll notice a barrel off to one side. St. Peter looks inside as every person gets to the front of the line. If he can’t see the bottom, he stuffs you in, head down. If you drown, you go straight to hell.

  40. Coincidence? Just got home from a long day at work, poured a glass of wine and went to sit with husband to chat and unwind. As I try to sit, one of our Aussie Shepherds gives me an affectionate nudge, and I fall into the chair spilling (thankfully white) wine every where.
    Husband says “Oh no! now the dog smells like wine!”
    As I collect myself, I see that the dog is now trying to lick the wine out of the carpet.
    “Yes dear, the dog does smell like wine, and loves me best….because wine.”

  41. Everyday isn’t great but there’s something great in every day.
    Thanks for being the great thing in my day today.

  42. I’m sorry but that’s alcohol abuse!

    Happy 22d tomorrow. Kiss Victor for all of us. We love him (and you, of course).

  43. How does this NOT get in a book?!! BTW, next book: the Adventures of Victor.

  44. Thank you for this gift, Jenny! Reading this was the best part of my day. =)

  45. I don’t drink beer, but if I did, I’d totally buy one of these. Come to think of it, my 22 year old daughter who is in her last semester of college drinks beer. This would save her so much time at parties. I’ll buy her one because I’m such a good mother and all-around great influence on my kids.

  46. I absolutely adore the “ fights” between you and Victor!
    That man has such patience and love for you!

  47. I can see why Victor was confused and thought beer-science was insane. Most scientists are high off their asses on weed or possibly hallucinogens. I know this because [ redacted ] but I could [ redacted ] every [ redacted].

  48. I would try it with water. I’d hate to waste beer. But you know, we have almost the exact same thought process…..

  49. The fact that this did NOT make it into a book bodes well for the book. (Raises the bar)

  50. I think you two are the fresh modern version of Lucy and Ricky. America needs this show!

  51. I am also sorry to say that Victor was the “loser” in your argument. I mean really, his retorts to your arguments could not even begin to compare. AND he gave up there at the end when he sarcastically said “good for you” or something like that. That’s what I heard in my head. It rolled through my mind really slowly and oozing with sarcasm, followed by three slow claps. I also imagine Victor delivering this sentiment with a dead look in his eyes???? In summation, Victor deserves to be included in your Loser List.

  52. BEYOND excited that you have a new book coming out. Even more excited now that I know this gold didn’t make it into the book so there must be even goldier gold in there.

  53. You could try again but do it standing in a kiddie pool to catch the spills and try again.

  54. and I cannot WAIT for this book! I can only re-read your previouses (multiple previous books=previouses) so many times… meaning I constantly re-read your previouses many, many times…. and counting!

  55. I read this, laughed heartily, told my husband to read it and then he was all “You need to stop reading Jenny Lawson’s blog. She’s a bad influence on you.”

  56. OMG Jenny! Your “Furiously Scientific Hypothesis on Inebriated Ants” should be published! I have to agree with many on here, you and Victor have the coolest (ahem) debates. I refrain from calling them arguments because you both try to make your points. Which, Victor seems to lose…haha! You guys are the best!

  57. THIS IS HILARIOUS! And now I want to try it, but there are no plastic cups in Vietnam, only paper ones, as far as I’ve seen so far, which isn’t very far, but the cups are much smaller, too, which might make this easier? I’ll let you know.

  58. this reminded me of how i discovered you in the first place – Knock Knock Motherfucker! KKMF also helped me believe in my bones that I had found my person when my best friend laughed until she cried. Thanks for sharing this, I appreciate so much that you share your struggles and I know how hard it is to laugh, to feel anything when depression is lying to you full time and I also love when you post something this whimsical and hilarious that wine comes out my nose because of the snorting.

  59. I bet you could use binder clips to hold the cups together. Although as I try and picture me drinking from the 4 cup thing, I feel I would drown, in beer, feels a little weird. Anyway, drink ants would be interesting to watch. Right?

  60. thanks! I needed that- drunk argument after not drinking and the science of drunk ants!!! Personally whenever I tried to drink beer from clear plastic cups, I’d spill them, then the cup would crack and beer would leak all over, and even though I might have only had one (1) people would say I’d had enough… Thanks!!

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