Lucky 22.

So today was my 22nd Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation treatment and it (KNOCK ON ALL THE WOOD) still seeming to be working.  If I had to guess I’d say I’m like 75% of a “normal” person and that’s a giant change for me.  I’m still tired.  I still have brain fog but not as bad.  I still have bad days.  But I’m feeling so much better.  It could go away at any point so I’m enjoying it while it’s here.

And I’m continuing to do embroidery to distract me from getting drilled in the brain and my latest one is a favorite:

(Pattern by OddAnaStitch)

Victor was impressed with my stitching but thought a cat dissection was sort of a fucked-up subject but I explained that it’s not a dissection, it’s just cat who wants a belly scratch and then you look inside the cat (metaphorically, Victor) and guess what?  Surprise!  THERE’S ANOTHER CAT IN THERE.  CATS STUFFED WITH CATS = TWICE AS CUTE.  (Unless it’s cats having sex, which is also technically cats stuffed with other cats but is less adorable and not necessarily something that should be embroidered on a pillow.  Maybe.  Depends on the pattern, I guess.)

So, long story short, I think this treatment is making me more optimistic because  if this cat is a Rorschach test I’m pretty sure I’m failing it in the best possible way.

14 more treatments to go…

112 thoughts on “Lucky 22.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I love that embroidery Jenny, it fits in perfectly with how I think.
    Can you imagine having an itch that you keep scratching until you can see inside? Perfect.

  2. I was looking at this on a small screen and I thought it was “cat stuffed with mouse”…. but maybe that’s just me.

  3. I see a cat appetizer being served on a cat-shaped table. That’s a meal nobody wants. Except maybe a very cruel dog.

  4. Sooo. Long time listener. First time caller. But this needlepoint is the first time I have actually had a modicum of inspiration to hop on the needlepoint train and has caused me to reach out in curiosity. My question is, how does one acquire such a needlepoint pattern. Hmm? Asking for a friend. A friend who is me.

    (Etsy has great weird patterns. That’s where I’ve found most of them. ~ Jenny)

  5. You look FABULOUS!!! Love that embroidery, FUN, NOT a dissection Victor!

  6. As a biology and anatomy teacher, I completely approve of your stitchery (and want it!). 🙂 You rock! So glad you’re feeling better.

  7. You cat embroidery has me giggling as I sit here at my work desk sipping chai tea. Oh lordy, girl, you are hillarious.

  8. My fingers are crossed for you like they have rarely been crossed for anyone before. I hope it helps because it makes it difficult to do things that require fingers.

    Are all of these patterns from Odd Ana Stitch? You are making me want to learn how to do embroidery.

    (Not all of them but this one and the octopus girl are. ~ Jenny)

  9. Ooo, at first I thought it was his tummyful-of-mousie-for-lunch. And I was “COOLNESS!!” Not sure which I like better – both a bit twick & sisted 🙂 But then so am I!

  10. First, I love the dress you’re wearing! Second, I stared at your embroidery project for a long time before I read the rest, and I agree with Victor – fucked up! Also, my cat’s name is Rorschach and I have to pass that test every day let me tell you! Lastly, so happy to hear this therapy is working for you. I will be telling my depressed and agoraphobic sister about it. Thank you for sharing your struggle. (I think this is the first time I’ve commented but I’ve been reading your posts, and your book, for a while).

  11. Love the stuffed cat and love that you’re continuing to feel more normal!

  12. Thirding? Fourthing? That I LOVE your dress…and your smile…and the cat C-section embroidery!

  13. Wonderful that you’re feeling better. I’ve just been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes which sucks but maybe once the sugars are under control my brain fog and depression will lift too. :o) Fingers crossed because I had a very bad last week.

    (Sending you love. I went from pre diabetic to normal after going low carb. Under 75 carbs or sugars a day. It was hard at first but it’s easier now. ~ Jenny)

  14. You look amazing, and that means you get to embroider whatever you want!!

  15. You do realize that someone is going to send you a cat sex pattern now, right? I mean, it’s like you double dog dared us (or double cat dared us?). Glad the treatment is working. Hope it lasts forever and ever and ever.

  16. Love the embroidery and I love your dress! Is the dress from eShakti?

    (It is. It was on sale last month. Thanks! ~ Jenny)

  17. Reminds me of when we dissected rats in lab and one was pregnant. Technically your cat should have a bicornuate (2-horns) uterus so she can carry kittens on both sides (imagine internal saddle bags if you will). And that’s your fact of the day. 🙂

  18. I’m pretty sure that’s a cat C-section and I hope all goes well. I can’t believe im worried about a needle point cats c-section. Also I really hope it continues to work and you make tons of needle points so I can buy one because I don’t have patience to do one myself.

  19. I’m glad this is working for you even if it is just a little bit for a little bit because every little bit counts! QUESTION: Do these needlework patterns use just a basic running or satin stitch? Because that is pretty achievable with pretty remarkable results!

  20. I thought it was a rat inside a cat. Still symbolic but in a different way. I think you really look like you are feeling much brighter so I am thrilled that this treatment is working for you.

  21. You have lovely clothes! Each time I see pictures of you you are always so nicely dressed. And you’re quite pretty my dear!!

  22. Won’t lie looked at that embroidery and thought that cat looks so damned happy to be split open! (I don’t have a normal thought pattern).

  23. I love your smile, your cat, your dress, and your good news! Happiness all round. So pleased.

  24. So happy for you!

    Quick question about the embroidery: what is the green stuff inside the cat? Has it been eating grass?

  25. OK so that is a LOT cuter than when I did a rat dissection in high school anatomy and physiology and pulled out a long chain of rat fetuses (fetusi?). I thought it was the intestines at first and I was like, “Uh..teacher? This is the intestines, right?” “No..your rat was pregnant. Those are the embryonic sacs.” “Great.”

  26. You are an incredible person. Keep it up and stay feeling better. You give me hope. And I really like that dress/top/whatever you’re wearing. Pretty.

  27. I love your jaunty “Neurostar” top hat. Makes you look French. I hope you continue to do so well. That makes me happy. 😊

  28. First of all, you look glorious. You look like you feel better! Secondly, peek-a-boo embroidery is the bomb. Looks like a window into a pregnant cat, kinda. Either way, it has to be making Hunter a little nervous.

  29. You continue to make me hopeful that somehow, some way, there is a way to fix me before the cliff gets too close and I’m once again at the edge. My balance is not so good these days.

  30. WHERE did you get that embroidery pattern, or did you design that yourself? It’s brilliant!

  31. I just scrolled back through your posts to look at your photos from when you started this brain zap journey, and can see a real difference. You have a light in your eyes that was absent before. I am so very happy for you. I hope this treatment works miracles and you are “normal” for a good, long time. Maybe even forever. (I know you said it wouldn’t, but that won’t stop me hoping for the best for you.)

  32. Jenny. This is the most awesome embroidery project ever. What do you do with these once they are completed? You have encouraged me to start needlework again but not sure what I’d do with these when done.

    Also, I love you. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. I’m bipolar II amd frequently want to throw myself off the roof despite being on multiple antidepressants (especially this day and age) and this whole thing has given me so. Much. Hope.

  33. Hey Jenny. That “anonymous” comment above was mine. No shame in my game, just forgot to log in. thanks for all you do to make our lives better, faster, stronger. xo

  34. Aww, Jenny, you look so great! You are always a beautiful woman, but there’s a new look to you and I am sending all my best good luck mojo for this to continue to be your reality.
    And, ….the way you wear a dress makes me want to start wearing dresses myself………
    I wouldn’t look as good as you do (I am too thin), but what the heck, maybe I’ll do it anyway. 🙂

  35. I also thought it was a cat with a mouse in its belly!!
    Your eyes look happy.

  36. It’s CATception! That is so awesome! You find the very best things. I’m so happy you are feeling better. 🙂

  37. It might be difficult to embroider the noise of cat sex. But someone should give it a try.

  38. So will this TMS stuff give you urges to go to medical school? Or to get kittens? Either way.

  39. That’s a cat baring it’s heart and soul to you. It’s a metaphor.

  40. So… next time I feel the urge to say, “Embroider that shit on a pillow,” I should probably make sure you’re not nearby, or I’ll end up with a needlework turd on a couch cushion.

    Which I would of course cherish forever anyway.

  41. You know, of course, that there’s plenty of embroidery that does exactly what you describe. So
    So glad the TMS seems to be working. Keep at it!

  42. You are amazing! Thank you for sharing this traumatic and (fingers crossed) helpful treatment. Please be well. I thought the embroidery was a cat C-section. hahahahaha!

  43. I’m having TMS right now too… But they just have a magnet and a piece of paper, no fancy headgear like you!

  44. I’ve been reading you for a very, very long time and have never commented—you are an amazing, hysterical writer and a very courageous person and I KNOW everything is going to be wonderful for you. Keep the faith , baby….
    Minnesota reader

  45. Jenny, you may have inspired me to take up embroidery!!!

    ps: so glad that your treatments continue to show great improvement. It makes me so happy to see your gorgeous smile!

  46. You look so beautiful in this photo, even with that contraption strapped to your head. 💖💖💖

  47. Or, and I’m just gonna put this wild idea out there, the cat is preggers??? Lol.

  48. So happy for you Jenny. I think often how you said in a previous post that we’re worth it too, “so fight.” And I am. And also embracing my family and community. Wishing you a clear head and good vibes.

  49. My mom bought my sister one of thos at mugs
    That looked Adorable from a distance and then if you actually looked at it you noticed that it was a very imaginative very
    Comprehensive cat orgy. So from
    The right angle even ate stuffed with cats-still adorable.

  50. Love your dress/ top in this pic! So happy for you. It is amazing coming out of the darkness, isn’t it? It’s like you’ve had the flu for forever and then suddenly you realize you can breathe through your nose again, and food has a taste again and you appreciate all of those things that healthy people do every day. Hoping you continue to see life in color ❤️

  51. 75% is amazing progress! I’m so happy and also a teeny, tiny bit jealous. I don’t think I’d qualify for this treatment sadly, not broken enough for them (though it feels like plenty to me), but you give me hope Jenny! You are blazing a trail forward and hopefully many others will be able to follow your path! <3

  52. It’s been awhile since I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. That cat embroidery is just so hilariously wrong…

  53. I’ve been reading you for a long time, but this is my first time to comment. I wanted to say your smile looks beautiful and genuine. I can tell by your face, the light in your eyes that you’re feeling better, you actually look happy. fingers crossed!

  54. So glad the treatments are helping & your embroidery is awesome!!!! You look happy!!!

  55. I am so happy the treatments are working.
    You look beautiful and your dress is awesome.
    At first glance I thought the embroidery picture was Rory.
    We could use this in our cat anatomy class.

    No this comment isn’t a poem. It is just so disjointed I needed to put it all on separate lines.

  56. Wait a minute. Cats don’t usually put up with belly rubs… OH, MY GOD, THIS REALLY IS A CAT DISSECTION.

    The little gut-cat is pretty adorable, though.

  57. I love reading the updates on your treatments and I’m very glad they’re working for you. Looking at this picture and thinking back to the earliest pictures you posted, the change is dramatic. You look so happy now. I hope these results last far beyond the treatments. And I hope you never stop doing embroidery. You’re extremely talented with it. Just tell Victor it’s not a dissection; it’s a caesarian. 🙂 I can’t wait to see what you come up with next!

  58. Congratulations on feeling better AND on looking absolutely beautiful with all that equipment on your head!

  59. Oh, my God! You are so f’inging funny! I am so, so happy your treatment is helping you!!! I love you, Jenny. Thanks for making my day so much better. You don’t know how much you mean to me. Travel on, girl! 🙃

  60. I have to agree with Victor that it looks like a dissection… but I disagree that it’s fucked-up. It’s more like the COOLEST embroidery ever! Also, for someone who is into taxidermied animals, images of dissected animals are 100% appropriate. I would hang a whole series of embroidered animal dissections on my wall. Each one should have a treat on the inside – a baby animal or a shoe the dog ate, or a salmon inside a bear…

  61. I am SO happy to hear the TMS is working for you! Hubby also has med resistant depression and we are working to get him approved for the same treatment. 😀
    Also, LOVE that stitching! hahaha! It’s so you! <3 ya hon!

  62. Jenny,

    So very happy for you that these treatments are working. Currently I am having the worst year of my entire life and my depression is at an all time high. This round the saying on repeat is “you have no value” instead of “everyone would be better off without you.” I know my brain is lying to me and that is what is keeping me going. Thanks for listening.


  63. So glad the treatments are helping you!
    Have you thought about stitching up one of the wonderful designs from your coloring book?

  64. I have followed you for a while. First through books, then your blog. While I will always prefer books I’ve taken to the blog because I have health problems too. So I can relate. I’m currently on 27 pills. 2 are voluntary. I find myself jealous of your life. Because you may have all the pain and anxiety and depression I have, you also have a family. I will never get to experience that. I’m not feeling very articulate. Might be the pills or the fact I just had surgery and ripped my stitches or maybe it’s because no matter what I try my depression never lifts for long. People keep thinking I’m joking when I ask if they still do lobotomies. There’s no point in this comment. I just wanted to let out a teeny tiny bit of the darkness so maybe I could breath a little better. Even for a minute.
    Anyway, nice cross stitch. If I ever get back use of my hands I really want to try it.

  65. I saw a rat tonight on my rabbits’ porch, which sent me upstairs for a stray 5 mg valium that didn’t help much, but somehow this post did.

    Thanking you gratefully, Jenny… and more importantly… I see in your expression a qualitative, chemical shift!

  66. you look 10 years younger in this photo. Having the weight of depression slowly lift is making your skin glow and your face look so young. Amazing and beautiful! congrats!

  67. I’m dying over the embroidery. Do you buy these patterns on Etsy or something? I wish I could see doing this pattern to freak my husband out, too. 😀

  68. That embroidery is straight up amazing! I wish I had the time and patience to learn embroidery. Good luck with the brain! 🙂

  69. I just found your blog and I think I’m going to enjoy reading it! I love cats but I think that’s one of the best embroideries I’ve ever seen!!

  70. Wow. Double layered embroidery. Too cool. Once you’re done with them all, will you be piecing together a quilt?

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