The things we need to hear

I have a question for you. What is the thing you need to hear most?  The thing you wish you could have gone back to your younger self to say?  The thing you wish you could say to everyone else?

For me it’s the same thing for every question:

It’s going to be okay.

It is.  Even if it’s hard.  Even if it seems impossible.

It’s going to be okay.  I keep saying it to myself until I start to believe it.  You keep saying it too, okay?

Your turn.

556 thoughts on “The things we need to hear

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I couldn’t agree more! I would love to have that silent reminder that “this too shall pass” and everything will be okay. I think we beat ourselves up way too often. Thank you!

  2. Breathe Deeply. Exhale. Keep doing it. And, ignore those negative thoughts. No one is thinking it but you!

  3.         Sad to say, but mine is that someone besides my kids actually cares that I exist.   
    

    (I care. I’m glad you’re here. I bet I’m not even close to being the only one.~ Jenny)

  4. It’s ok to be you. Your existence and experience of the world is just as valid as a “normal” person’s.

    Being dismissed simply because I have a mental illness is almost worse than the desease.

  5. It’s not your fault.

    It took nearly 40 years for someone to say that and me to realize they were right.

  6. That I am not broken, that it is not sin or evil within me, but a simple, chemical imbalance within my brain, and that when it gets sorted out, life gets so much better.

  7. “You’re doing a good job and we’re proud of you.” Hearing someone tell me that brings me to tears, every time, without fail. Sometimes I don’t think I’m worth the space I take up on this planet, but when I remind myself that there are people out there who are proud of me, I can keep going.

  8. You have all the power you will ever need to change your life. All you have to do is decide you want to.

  9. I need to hear “you’re hired.” Not from everyone, but really from a place of employment right now.

  10. That it’s ok to be you/me. That your feelings and contributions and perception of the world are just as valuable as a “healthy” person’s.

    Feeling dismissed because of my mental illness is sometimes worse than the desease.

  11. You are fine the way you are. You can’t please everybody. Go ahead and work towards your dream, you can do it

  12.         That thing you wrote on your arm when you were doing the audio book dam it I forget what it was     
    

    (Pretend you’re good at it. ~ Jenny)

  13. “Above all shadows rides the Sun.” When I read that line in Return of the King, it changed my life.

  14. That most things work out so don’t worry so much. So many situations that were legit bad/undesirable/unfair when they happened… But, everything is fine now. Sometimes it takes a few years. But, when I look at friends and family, those that kept moving forward are just fine.

  15. Embrace your uniqueness. Don’t place the value of being liked by others over your dignity and identity.

  16. WOW WOW WOW. I JUST told that same thing to my son this morning. He’s 12, just started 7th grade, and was stressing over how to handle a missed assignment that brought his grade down to a C. He was frustrated and worried, and when I dropped him off I said, “I know you can handle this. This is a growing up thing you need to do, and I know it sucks. It’s going to be okay.” I hope he sees that at the other end of this, however it works out, it’s okay. We will figure out how to bring his grade back up, etc. For me, I need to hear, “You’re not less-than.” In my mid-40’s and I still struggle with my self confidence and self worth. I apologize for everything. For example, I’m struggling not to apologize for my long post. LOL

  17. Don’t quit. Don’t run away. Just breathe. You’re always doing better than you think you’re doing.

  18. I have an app on my phone that checks for viruses. It sends a notification that says, “Everything is OK.”

    I think that’s why I keep it.

  19. Mine is, sort of, the same. I’m very change-resistant and have always dreaded any hint that change might be coming. But, as I’ve grown older, I’ve discovered that quite often the dreaded change never occurs and, if it does, it’s sometimes an improvement over the present situation. I have to keep reminding myself.

  20. Stop caring so much about what others think – they’re just as messed up as you are. And learn to relax, for gosh sake.

  21. Stop caring what other people think & what other people do. That’s not you. You are strong and brave and beautiful and kind and funny and talented. So just be you. Make mistakes. Embrace your flaws. Try everything. It’s all okay. Stand up for what you believe in, follow your heart, and most importantly BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! You’ll turn out just fine. Oh— and get in the habit of exercising every day, you’ll be glad you did. Trust me!

  22. “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”
    Juian of Norwich, author of the first book known to be written by a woman

  23. Pay attention. Don’t be so blase’ about things in life, like “oh everything will be fine, I don’t need to worry about it”. No pay attention now, so that those things don’t come back around and bite you in the ass later.

  24. What I need to hear from my husband…. “It’s okay sweatheart, I will to the housework and laundry.”
    What I will tell my self when I was younger. “It’s okay to be different, be proud of who you are, speak up if something bothers you and you will find love.”
    What I would tell everyone else. “It’s okay to ask for help you are not alone.”

  25. It’s very hard to believe people do/can/will like me. In that one respect, I’m the Sally Field of Tulsa, OK. So, maybe”Relax, you are a good and likable person.”

  26. I got a tattoo of the thing I tell myself when something is going bad or stressful. “This too shall pass”

  27. I think, especially right now, I need to hear that it’s okay to be overwhelmed and to not be consume by it.

  28. You are worthwhile. You’re not disposable. You may not get our attention all the time, but that’s not a reflection on your worth. You are loved more than you know and we are here for you.

  29. so true, jenny, many of us never internalized that simple voice of security & needed to find it for ourselves.. i’m still reassured when i surprise myself & hear my internal dialogue simply saying it’ll be okay..

  30. The world is a better place with you in it.

    Even if you can’t love yourself, there are other people who do.

  31. Three things:
    “You do you”,
    “its ok to be selfish”
    “there is nothing wrong with being alone”
    I thought I had to follow the trend (get a partner, enjoy intimacy, find a job with growth, be social) to be “happy”. Once I realized that not all of these these things were important to me, I have been so much happier with life. I have a child I adore, no partner (or desire for one), a job that won’t go anywhere but that i enjoy, and a very tiny circle of friends that I trust implicitly. I feel fulfilled.

  32. You are depressed because you are anxious, not the other way around. Your brain is tricking you, you can see through those tricks!

  33. The world is a better place with you in it.

    Even if you can’t love yourself, there are other people who do.

  34. How others feel about you and how they treat you has absolutely nothing to do with you. Also, it is not your responsibility to make sure you fit into someone else’s life; if they cherish your friendship, they will make room for you.

  35. I wish someone had told me I’d never be good enough because it’s the truth and it would have saved me from wasting all that time and energy on trying to be good. Maybe if I’d known that I’d never be acceptable I would have rebelled more, tried different things. Instead I followed every rule and tried so hard to be enough that I never learned how to just be. I’m good at surviving, but terrible at living.

  36. Most need to hear: “You are loved and have loved others well.”
    To younger self: “Speak until someone listens.”
    To someone else: “Hang on. I promise it will get better.”

  37. What I would say to my younger self: Some really bad stuff is going to happen, but you’re stronger than you think, & you will survive it all. The good part is that it will make you a better person, and a better parent.

  38. It’s going to be OK is my big one. But I want him to mean it when he says it will be…and I don’t anymore.

  39. Some variation of “It’s going to be okay,” yeah. “Everything’s going to be alright,” usually, if I’m being specific. And it is! Sometimes it just takes time to get there.

  40. Live your life the way YOU want. Seems I wasted so much time trying others suggestions that I really should not have.

  41. It’s ok, too not be ok. It’s ok to say no to everybody when you need to take care of yourself. It’s ok to listen to your body. You are still worthy of love. You are enough.

    To younger self: You are not stupid! You are not stupid! You are not stupid! You’re depressed and it’s the reason you’re grades have slipped, why you can’t concentrate, and why you can’t remember anything. PLEASE, GO GET HELP! It’s worth it.

  42. I’m sorry I hit you. I’m sorry we left you alone. I’m sorry i put you in that place and then left you with no help when I brought you home. I’m sorry in advance for the struggle you’ll have as an adult doing anything at all.
    I’m aorry.

  43. After all these years I have so many things I would tell myself. Chief among them, I suppose, is that ‘it turns out fine so stop being afraid’. Also….’go ahead, punch that fucking bastard right in the throat – he deserves it’ and ‘brilliant move to give that bully your Smarties – you use THAT skill plenty when you grow up’. Oh! AND….’don’t tell your friends that an Orgy is a group of 3 or more Ogres….your Dad was just being a smartass’.

  44. This, too, shall pass. Really. (Also, turn on all the lights and faucets, and check all the outlets, in a house you’re thinking of buying, because if the wiring is wonky, it will affect your life for YEARS. And you will grow to hate that house, even if you can see no way out of it, except in a coffin. But this, too, shall pass. Maybe.)

  45. Alcohol is a depressant. People who struggle with depression and drink alcohol are pouring water on a drowning victim (themselves). Or oil on a fire, I suppose, but really, depression is so much more like drowning than it is burning. It’s what I would say to my younger self, to someone else, and it’s what I do say to myself every time the urge for a glass of wine strikes.

  46. I know it feels so big today, but time will shrink it. Being so pointlessly combative only hurts you more. By the way, stop hurting yourself in general and treat your body like you will still be commanding it after 40, because SURPRISE! jazz hands

  47. It’s okay to live your life the way you want no matter what anyone else thinks. And (sadly) not everybody you meet is your friend or has a good heart. Be cautious.

  48.         End it.  End it now.  People who claim to be your friends will abandon you.  Girlfriends will drop you without telling you why.  Nobody will try to work things out with you.  People are no damn good and aren't supportive, no matter how much you try to support them.  When they ask you how things are going they don't want the truth, they just want a simple, "Okay," because they don't fucking care about you.  You know it because you've already seen it and it just doesn't change.  Life sucks.  It's full of pain and abandonment and lies.  Save yourself a lifetime of betrayal and agony.  Nobody cares, nobody who claims to care is willing to actually take the time and effort to help you out of the morass of your depression.  There is no hope for you.
    

    (Vern, I am sending you so much love. There is hope. Depression tells such terrible lies and I know how easy they are to believe. Keep fighting. You are worth the fight. ~ Jenny)

  49. Being a creative type will bring you more joy than all the successful business ventures in the world. Embrace it, or you’ll be having a midlife crisis at 35 when all you want to do is create, but you have no talent or skill to do so.

  50. You are worth more than what others think of you.
    There is light, and hope, and happiness and it will find you.
    Breathe and know that you are loved.

  51. Don’t listen to the judgy voices in your head that take on the role of family and friend. They don’t judge you that way, and if they do, their not worth your love. There are too many others out there who will love you.

  52. You are enough…. whether it’s good enough, smart enough, loving enough, trying hard enough… I have MS and especially these days after I have progressed to where I need more help, I start feeling like a burden. More trouble than I’m worth. Next month will be 13 years since I was diagnosed and many friends have fallen away. The few that remain make me feel like I’m enough.

  53. Only listen to people who support you. Ignore everyone else’s opinion of you.

    That would have saved me 25 years of self doubt

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  54. Follow your bliss and don’t be embarrassed about things you love!! There were so many cool things I missed out on because they were “nerdy” or “uncool” and I’ve recently started embracing those things and I’m much happier for it!

  55. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to do everything perfectly. You don’t have to feel guilty about saying No. You are enough as you are. You are worthwhile.

  56. You are absolutely perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to keep trying to fit into someone else’s definition of right or perfect just to feel worthy.

  57. YOU HAVE ANXIETY. That is why everything is terrifying and your body feels like bees. It can all be so much easier than this.

  58. In a way, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been in a down cycle lately, partly because I’m grappling with whether I want to stay married and all the feelings that go along with that. Being deeply empathetic makes it even more difficult. I’m struggling.

  59. It’s okay to not feel okay. It’s okay to feel like things will never be okay again. Don’t berate yourself for having those feelings or thoughts. Just try to remember that it’s the depression talking, not logic or reality.

  60. For me it would absolutely be: “You’re doing great”. It’s that simple – I just want to be reminded and remind everyone else that we are giving it our best even if we let ourselves or others down and that is just fine. We make mistakes, we aren’t perfect, but we’re doing the best we can with what we have to give everyday and we’re all doing great.

  61. Bisexuality is real. You’re not being “greedy”.

    -and-

    Never dim your light just to make others feel comfortable

  62. One day you will be able to admit that all that time you were actually terrified and full of rage, rather than playing a smiling, cheerful person despite the fuckery going on around you. And it will free you.

  63. What I need to hear…. don’t take yourself so damn seriously! None of us are getting out of this thing alive so we might as well have fun.

  64. You are not lazy, selfish, rude, or anything else like that. You have autism, and it means your brain is wired differently. There is nothing “wrong” with you.

  65. No Matter What You Are Beautifully Enough!
    No Matter What You Are Strong Enough!
    No Matter What You Are Fierce Enough!
    No Matter What!

  66. “Depression lies to you. Don’t believe it.” Can’t tell you what a profound difference that has made in my life since I first read it here. It seems so simple, but I wish I had known it when I was younger.

  67. You can be the juiciest peach on the tree, but there’s always someone who doesn’t like peaches.

  68. I feel the most important thing is less “Pep yourself up” and more “realise what it is you’re feeling and why.” Not to say the other things said in this comment section are unimportant or untrue, I just feel there is more to it that telling yourself you’re worth it.

    You gotta be introspective.
    Are you feeling like crap? Try to understand why it is you feel like crap, and what you need to have/do to feel better. The answer may not always be happy go lucky, sometimes to feel better you first have to hurt. Sometimes you have to accept friendships aren’t forever. Sometimes you have to realise you fucked up before you can learn. Sometimes you will need to change. Not because others tell you to, but because you’re hurting yourself for no reason other than pride or shame or fear or something else that only serves to cripple you in your day to day life/

    Or maybe you just really need a hot cocoa and a hug, and that’s fine too.
    Feeling good about yourself is important, you are the only one in your life that can never leave you. But don’t try to sugarcoat your mistakes in order to feel good. Treat yourself as if you would your children, with love and kindness but also honesty.

    Sometimes I need to tell my boyfriend that I feel sad and I need someone to tell me a joke even though I don’t feel like talking to anyone.
    Sometimes I need to turn off my laptop for I have spent too many damn hours on youtube and the content I’m watching is not interesting to me in the slightest.
    And sometimes I’m just so damn happy because I’m surrounded by those that I love, and taking the time to realise that is a really nice boost.

    Sorry this message got so long ^^; but if only one out of you people found this useful it’s worth it.

  69. I just heard the thing I needed to hear since last July: a job offer.

    I am good enough. For someone, I am good enough.

  70. It’s not your fault that you were sexually abused. I believe you. You aren’t tainted or irrevocably broken. You still deserve to be loved and cared for and you don’t have to cope with this huge burden all on your own.

  71. It’s ok to fail, to not know, and to feel alone. Hell, small me, it’s ok to cry too, don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t.

  72. It’s going to be okay is very very good, I’m going to be okay even. This too shall pass? Of all of the things I’ve worried about, very few of them ever came true.

  73. What I needed and need to hear is “no one on this earth is perfect, and you don’t have to be perfect either. I don’t have to hate myself for the things I’ve done. Please, please love yourself. You are an awesome and loveable woman, and you will always be. Believe in yourself.”

  74. You’re not crazy. This isn’t normal. You’re right to feel traumatized. It’s ok to be angry about it and it’s NOT fair.

  75. There’s no such thing as perfect, Ma-Maw doesn’t know what she’s talking about, God made you to be who you are and won’t send you to Hell because you want to dance and read Harry Potter.
    (Kind of weirdly specific, but my extremely religious grandma kicked off some severe anxiety.)

  76. To my younger self: you don’t have to try so hard. It’s ok to take it easy, it’s ok to relax. It’s ok to ask for help.
    To everyone that thinks other people think you’re not good enough: people are idiots. That’s not your responsibility.
    Oh, and: some people are just more people than others…

  77. You’re a good person and the small little things you do are important and make a difference.

  78. Repeating comment 74 (thanks Tracey!)
    1. It’s OK to ask for help.
    2. You are not alone.
    and adding my sister’s wisdom that always cracks me up: 3. Pobody’s Nerfect.
    and at the risk of outing myself: 4. Do the Next Right Thing.(and don’t worry about what others are doing,-It’s not my problem.)

  79. I think that covers it, to be honest. That would have been good to hear. Along with “you truly know more than you think you do.” “don’t go out to dinner so much–save the money.”

  80. She’s the one who’s crazy. Not you. You’re not fat, you’re not stupid, you’re not ugly, you’re not a liar. You’re normal, she’s not.

  81. What I’ve always needed to hear is “Nobody else knows what they’re doing either.” For those times (all of the time) when I feel like I’m the only one.

  82. “You are so much better than you give yourself credit.” I’ve always had this problem of having very high expectations for myself and feeling like I’ve let everyone down when I don’t live up to them. Some times, like right now, it hits harder and I feel about to be exposed as a loser. Except that most people don’t have those high expectations and think I’m great the way I am. No matter how much I remind myself of that, it only helps when someone else says it.

  83. I am perfect just the way I am. Growing up with a rigid, demanding father was tough. Until I was in my forties, I questioned everything about myself. But I figured it out, and I am so happy with ME.

  84. I spend so much time beating myself up and doubting everything I do. Its like I revel in breaking down my confidence because it feels so familiar. Even in my 50’s, I have to remind myself daily to stop doubting myself and worrying about what others think.

    Two things to share:

    “It is very east to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own.” – Jessamyn West

    “I would have told people to ‘fuck off’ more.” – Dame Helen Mirren

  85. You’re great just the way you are.
    My parents constantly called me fat, and I wasn’t at all, and I never knew. So many bad things have come from that. I would tell myself that I look great. Because I did.
    To everyone else, kindness always matters.

  86. What I tell myself when I’m angsting over something that may or may not happen: “Don’t water the kudzu.”
    What I tell myself when I’m wondering if I should take the risk or wait on it: “Buy the damn plane ticket.” (Not always having to do with planes and such, but I had a friend pass away earlier this year and I will be kicking myself for quite sometime for not buying a plane ticket to go see him even though it would have taken me a long time to pay off the credit card balance. Regret is a lot heavier than debt.)
    <3

  87. I forgive you. For that stupid thing you said 10 years ago, for being so paralyzed by trying to decide what to say that you never responded at all, for being too much, for not being enough. I forgive you.

  88. No one is going to love you the way you want to be loved, so do it yourself. Stop looking for someone else to do it and woman the fuck up and love yourself.

  89. I’m proud of you. Typing it out now at my desk as a grown-ass 40-something, the thought of what hearing that might have changed still makes me tear up.

  90. Need to Hear: My good friend and I make a running joke out of saying, “You were right.” But of course, it isn’t just a joke–it really IS what I need to hear. I grew up being told that everything–Every. Single. Thing.–I said or did was stupid and wrong. I recently had a washer/dryer put in my condo; it took me years to decide, even though I hated going to a laundromat SO MUCH. I was worried about the expense and whether it was the right thing to do. I mentioned it to an acquaintance; she casually replied, “Oh, you’ll be so glad you did!” and I almost cried. Just being told I was making a right decision meant that much to me.

    Wish I’d Heard: “Not everyone is like your family. You are a smart, talented, valuable person. Dream big–you can do anything. Never ever go on a diet.”

    Say to Everyone Else: I’m sorry. I know I have screwed up so, so much. You deserved better.

  91. You’re doing a good job, I’m proud of you. No one ever said it. I guess it was supposed to be assumed if someone wasn’t saying the opposite?

  92. No one can predict the future unless they look at the past. The future is for lessons learned from what has come before.

  93. No one knows everything- not even you. Err on the side of love.

    Also, literally no one thinks as much about how you move through the world as you do. You do not have an audience so don’t hide.

  94. 1) No one is “better” than anyone else. Only Different
    2) At least half of the way somebody responds to you has nothing at all to do with anything you have ever been, said or done. And vice versa
    3) no one is 100% who you think they are. This includes you
    4) no one can “make” you feel anything, good or bad, except you
    5) not everything is about you
    6) some of the people you love are just bad for you. Like alcohol and chocolate, it’s probably best to limit your exposure

  95. Resist the temptation to shrink. You have every right to take up space. When people say “too big, too much” they are simply telling you that they are too small and weak to handle the goddess you are.

  96. I am NOT a typical member of this community, so Need to Hear: “I can state with 100 percent certainty there’s no vengeful god who continues your existence after death so he can torture you if you didn’t suck up to him.” Tell Younger Self: “If you don’t stop dreaming and wishing and get off your butt and DO something, you are going to die regretting that you wasted your life.” Say to Everyone Else: “Sorry, this is just how I am. I’m not doing it on purpose.”

  97. Major in practical subjects like programming and accounting and they will not ask your dislexic self to type 100 WPM.

  98. the words that have helped me most are “WE ARE ALL STRANGE AND WORTHY OF LOVE”. I have used that like a mantra when in situations with people where it is a little crazy. I believe it is true. We all walk a different path and we all have our own weirdness. but we all have value in this life.

  99. You are enough. Not because of something you did or something you are going to do. Just because you are you, you are enough.

  100. Everything is figureoutable.
    When someone criticizes you, laugh and agree with them.
    Genuinely not caring what other people think is empowering.

  101. Well fuck, now I’m all contemplative ‘n shit.

    I loved (and still love) my mom fiercely – but I wish (as a kid) I had had a name for her depression and not perceived it as disinterest in and distance from me. I wish I had had a name for my own depression – for my avoidance of school and people but tendency to hang out with some pretty shitty “friends” who preferred me feeling small. I wish I had felt more brave.

    I would tell kid me to believe in herself. I would tell her that she’s kind and funny and creative and encourage her to do what makes her smile. I would tell her that she’s enough, and that she already knows what really matters because she was born knowing and lives it daily. I would tell her that her friends are assholes and that the best friends will help you believe you have wings and remind her of who those people are. I’d tell her all those things.

  102. I wish I knew. I’ll be 31 next month and I don’t know what to tell myself now, much less what to say to my 13 y.o. self. Sorry if that’s not helpful, but it’s the truth.

  103. The perfect is the enemy of the good.

    You are good enough, ARE enough, and you don’t have to beat yourself up because you aren’t perfect.

    I wish I had heard (or listened to) more advice like that when I was younger. It can be so hard to start something when the pinnacle of “perfection” is so far away. Like, it is okay if the entire kitchen isn’t sparkling, I don’t need to focus on that, when all I really need to get done right now is the small collection of dishes in the sink.

  104. Honestly I don’t even know where to narrow it down. How about, Stop putting people on pedestals and being devastated when they fall off. Oh and YOU DO HAVE A PURPOSE! You do NOT have to settle! It maybe uncomfortable asf in between but DO NOT SETTLE! (also- the fine line of what is settling and what is NOT settling and what is temporary or long term…etc) OH and you are not stupid. Just because you do not have penis, you can do things that men traditionally do. Wanna write your name in the snow? GET SOME AQUARIUM TUBING!

  105. That I’m pretty.

    I’m…. not. But perhaps that’s why it’s so more meaningful for me to hear it? If someone tells me I’m smart or that I did a good job, it’s like yeah, no, I know. It means nothing to me. If someone actually tells me I look nice – and seems to mean it! – it is really affirming for me to hear.

  106. Vern #123: Everything you said is absolutely NOT true! Depression lies. It makes you think some VERY WRONG THINGS. There ARE people who will love you and care about you and support you. While challenges in life are difficult, NOTHING is so bad that ending it is a good choice. Please reach out to a crisis line and one of those supportive people will be waiting.

  107. After two bouts of cancer no matter what the day throws at me I tell myself “at least you’re on this side of the dirt”.

  108. “You belong here.” That and, “I see you – you aren’t taking up too much space.” I realized how much I try to cede space to everyone around me when a friend asked me one day after I’d had a good day, “Are you okay?” and I started to cry while riding the subway. I realized that no one – not my colleagues, not my partner, not my other friends, had asked how I was doing in a long time, and I needed to know that I was seen. I’d tell my younger self to be just a bit more entitled to take up space in the world – and demand that others give that space.

  109. In looking back I guess it would have to be don’t be afraid to ask for help. I also have problems believing I am a good person. People tell me quite often that I am but it hasn’t sunk in yet. Don’t know if it ever will. That’s one reason I am so grateful for your quote of don’t believe everything you think. That one hits home hardest. And most true.

  110. As a child, you are forced to interact with quite a few douche bags and dick wads. When you grow up, you will be able to choose who you spend time with. Like smart, funny, nice, creative people. Plus you will have good mood stabilizers.

  111. #123 Vern. Please get some help. My twin brother committed suicide 36 years ago because he had no hope. Please don’t do that–people around you care a lot more than you think. Your depression is a nasty demon that keeps you from seeing that. I have had depression all my life and so have a lot of other people on here and there is hope! Get some therapy and some meds and your life can turn around. Please!

  112. It’s going to be okay is the most important one, and my parents rarely said it. Also, I love you was never said very much. I make a point of saying it every single day to my children, and the rest of my family whenever we talk on the phone. Finally, well done. Not everyone can achieve what others achieve, but they nearly lose their minds trying their best.

  113. I like the Indian saying Dev Patel cited in “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”: Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end.

    It makes me feel like each person is the hero in his own story. He must go through trials to reach the happy ending. So if he’s struggling, he’s still mid-story and must persevere til he gets there.

  114. What is the thing you need to hear most?
    Sometimes it’s simply “how are you”, to remind me people still remember I exist. “Want a hug?” really works for me as well.

    The thing you wish you could have gone back to your younger self to say?
    It’s going to not only get better, but it will get so much better that even 15 years from now you won’t be able to believe it.
    (I wouldn’t mention the chronic illness bits. Younger self had enough stuff to deal with.)

    The thing you wish you could say to everyone else?
    Never believe you’re too old to try something. Unless that something is professional sports. Then you’re already too old, even if you’re a newborn.

  115. There are a lot of things that would have changed my life..here are a few.
    1) You are not broken, you are on the Autism Spectrum, which means your mind is wired a bit differently. That is OK, and in time you will get to a point where you can deal with the weirdness.
    2) You are not responsible for your mother’s alcoholism. It is her problem, not yours…so do not make it your problem.
    3) Not everyone is going to like you, or “get” you…that is not a problem with you…and it is OK.
    4) You are not responsible for fixing the world.
    5) Just because someone tells you they love you unconditionally, that does not mean it is true…or that they will not try and change you into what they want or need.

  116. I need someone to tell me that even though one of my best friends just died that one day I’ll be able to remember him with sobbing. Right now it doesn’t feel like it will ever happen.

  117. I wish someone had told my six year old self, after my dad died, that I had worth and I deserved to be loved and supported. Actually, anytime during my childhood would have been nice. Or now even.

  118. You are not responsible for everyone you love. You only control YOU. Boundaries, I wish someone had told me about them when I was a kid.

  119. You said that after the election, and it actually brought me a bit of peace. I’m still clinging to it. Thanks for saying it again.

  120. You are safe now. It is ok to be angry. You are not broken, you haven’t been destroyed. It is going to be ok.

  121. I wish someone had told me in my 20’s that I could make a respectable living as a writer, especially if I was willing to write more than fiction, but that I could do both, if I started working at it right away and not working on the “fallback career” that’s taken up most of the last 30 years.

  122. You will be okay. You can do this! At the most trying points of my life, I text myself positive comments. Somehow that text coming through means more than just saying it in my head or writing it down.

  123. It’s going to get better. Then it’s going to get worse, but you’re going to be okay. All will be well.

  124. Listen to that little voice inside that says “beware” or “something’s not right”. It doesn’t matter if other people think you’re rude or stuck up. If you feel unsafe, it’s okay to listen to that little voice and take action.

  125. Accept the love that your tribe sends to you all the time. And know that a hand dyed yarn exists with the color name of “Don’t Be a Twat-Waffle”. And it’s really pretty!

  126. “There is no deadline. Commit to the process and take it day by day” – Winning By Losing.

    It’s a weight loss book and I made it to chapter 3. But I think I got the best part of it. 🙂

  127. You can’t get something over with until you start it. Those words get me through everything from exercise to colonoscopies.

  128. Bob Marley reassuring me, 🎶🎶 Everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. 🎶🎶. It reminds me that everything really is gonna be alright. I love it.
    One anxiety besieged, sleep elusive night I asked my husband to tell me that. He looked at me and quietly said, “Everything is alright.” And I realized that right then, right where I was, everything was alright. And I fell asleep. ✌️

  129. You can do hard things. The alcohol won’t make them go away. Your daughters are going to see you doing this.

  130. If he’s not good to you he’s not good for you, and you can’t love it into existence…people show you who they are; also, nothing is worth an ulcer; also, move away, just do it, and do it early on. Funny you asked this question today. I’ve been talking with my uber-anxious people-pleasing younger self a lot more than usual lately.

  131. “You can’t take care of everyone” or “You don’t have to protect and save everyone in your life”. Feeling the need to hear and believe it so strongly right now. Lost a longtime family/childhood friend to suicide on Sunday. I keep feeling like I should have made more of an effort to include him in my life so that I could have seen the warning signs and helped him. The reality and logic is, he and I were never close, he was my brother’s friend, and someone that all of us only had marginal contact with after we grew up. Logic isn’t working right now. I keep thinking about what I could have done if I had been closer to him.

  132. When I was a child I needed someone to tell me they’d keep me safe. Fast forward about 45 years and now that I’m working in a prison with staff assaults on the ris I need someone to tell me they’ll keep me safe more than ever before.

  133. Don’t settle. You deserve as much happiness as the ‘happy people’. Hold out for the good stuff because living with regret sucks rocks.

  134. In addition to “It will be okay”, I needed to hear “No one will ever hurt you like that again.” I said that to my inner child 26 years ago, and no one has ever hurt me again. My words to every parent out there… “Be good to your children and never, ever, hurt them deliberately.”

  135. Stop worrying about what people will think and follow your instincts. You’ll be stronger and you’ll feel less lost. You know what you need to do.

  136. What I’d like to hear most now? “Hey, wanna go get coffee or lunch?”
    The thing I’d tell my younger self? “Do not, repeat do NOT strand yourself in a rural conservative area; once you hit old age, the loneliness will eat you alive.”

  137. “Not all attention is good attention.”

    Lordy, the shit I did to get attention, and the attention I got was not good for me.

  138. “You can do this.” I say it to myself A LOT, but I wish I’d known to start saying it to myself a LONG time ago.

  139. Thank you for your post today, bloggess. Sometimes even us brave ones need to know we are not alone…

  140. Thank you for your post today, bloggess. Sometimes even us brave ones need to know we are not alone…

  141. I didn’t realize until recently how much being a female musician dampened my performing career and my belief in myself, so: Keep believing in yourself, you have immense talent. Stop focusing on men who can only work with men.

  142. Don’t always take the easy way. I still do this even when I know the end result will make me sad.

  143. They/she/he likes you, hired you, chose you as you are. You don’t have to one up yourself or keep proving you’re worthy or keep RE-impressing, They want you as yourself is already.

  144. Your body is your and yours alone. You should get to make all the choices for it. Nobody else. Anybody who thinks or says otherwise is a selfish jerk and it’s ok to say no, be mad, and fight back if they try to force you to do anything you don’t want to do with it.

  145. Your body is yours and yours alone. Nobody else’s. You should be the only one who gets to make choices for it. Anyone who thinks or says otherwise is a selfish jerk and it’s ok to say no, be mad, and fight back if they try to make you do anything you don’t want to do with it.

  146. “I know it’s scary, but it’s true. If you don’t go to a doctor and fight them for this diagnosis you are going to ruin the beautiful boy you’ve just fallen in love with. Don’t be afraid.”

  147. Having feelings and sometimes expressing those feelings doesn’t make you ‘too’ anything. It just means that those who judge you don’t understand their own feelings. Mostly they aren’t worth the effort.

  148. My daughter, not yet 40, got a devastating cancer diagnosis today. She is stage 4. I wish saying it will be OK would make it so. I would tell everyone to live life all the way. Don’t waste a moment. Love and be loved. And get a mammogram early and often.

  149. You do not HAVE to be okay. It’s okay to not be okay, to stumble and stay down for a little while. You do don’t have to always get back up immediately, you can rest

  150. #1 – Don’t let being fat stop you.
    #2 – Nobody is paying as much attention to you as you think they are.
    #3 – Do what you want to do. Don’t let the fear of what other people might think about you prevent you from being the person you want to be.

  151. Thank you! There’s a song that came out earlier this year called Be Alright and the chorus is just the line “Oh, gonna be alright” 4 times over. Whenever I listen to it, it brings me to tears because I just need to hear that so badly.

  152. You’re more than good enough. You’re worthy of love. You don’t screw everything up. It’s not your fault. You didn’t ruin your mother’s life because you were born. You can do many things right. Stop listening to her. You’re not a spoiled, rotten little bitch, who can’t do anything right. You are amazing. I love you unconditionally. You’re worth far more than you think you are. You will never be like her.

  153. ShanG : That is what my younger me so desperately needed to hesr, as well. I still struggle to escape the dark cloud of my mother’s resentment, cruelty, and the horrible dysfunction that she manifested in our relationship because that was the only pattern she had ever known with her mother and grandmother.

    Just by recognizing it as a cycle, just by stepping outside of it, we are already breaking it and ensurung thst we will treat others with love, patience, kindness, and respect. It’s a huge enough step to break that chain, and an even huger step to ask, “What now? “ Because now we have to learn, from scratch, to give ourselves the love and care that we give others.
    It’s a lifelong learning process, I think, snd some days are lots harder than others. But we will get there, and we will touch others’ lives with empathy and peace, not judgment and fear, and maybe we will unknowingly give someone rlse the strength to believe in themselves by doing so.

    I wish my 13 year old me could hug your 13 year old you and tell her that she deserves better, that she will survive, that she is striong and smart and wonderful. But I am telling you now, and telling you that your words and your courage helped remind me of what is true and real and good after a very difficult day today.

    Keep shining your light, and always know that you are a gift to this world .

  154. It’s ok to be sad, some things are, It’s ok to be pissed off, somethings can do that to you, it’s ok to not always be “little Miss (f’ng) Sunshine” Stop breathe and think about what you are feeling. It is ok, and when it’s not, identifying rather than hiding it will help get through it.

  155. Other people may not approve of what you do, but that does not mean they are automatically qualified to know. If a bunch of 8th graders think you aren’t pretty, they’re still only 8th graders.

    Ask for help until you get it, not just until someone says you aren’t “applying yourself”. If you are trying your hardest, the problem may just be that someone else isn’t teaching you in a way you can learn. Don’t let them telling you that you’ll “just have to try harder”.

    Don’t marry a guy just because he will marry you. Don’t marry because everyone else would be happy if you were married. And don’t think that just because you love someone enough, it will work out. It won’t.

    You have instincts for a reason. Listen to them, and do what they say – because no matter how scary that is, going against them is always more trouble. Don’t waste time on doing what you think you “should” do. Do what you know in your heart is right, because you are smart, you are loving, and while we all make mistakes, most of them happen when we follow orders we don’t agree with from someone else.

  156. Don’t depend upon others to define you. What they think has nothing to do with who you are. Love yourself.

  157. People actually like you. You’re not a fuck up. You don’t have to always take the hardest path. You’ll get to the top either way. Your body is beautiful. You deserve someone you thinks so. Depression is a disease just as real as any other, so give yourself a break, and don’t be ashamed.

  158. “You are doing a good job and I am proud of you” I live on praise. It is what drives me. I hate when someone implies that I am not doing my job (takes a nano second to get angry about that one). And please don’t act like I could have done a better job. I have already beat myself up in more ways than you can ever thing of so don’t waste your time.

  159. Be still.

    There is a verse from Psalm 46:10 in the Bible that says “Be still and know that I am God.” As a Christian, it’s important that I step back and remember that I believe in something greater than myself, and have faith.

    And just as a regular human regardless of religion, I have a tendency to get on the hamster wheel of life and run myself ragged. Regardless of the context, I need to learn to be still.

  160. Do it anyway. So many things in my life that the stillness of depression somehow talks me out of doing. Back then I didn’t realize it was the depression and so I believed the slippery rationalizations. But now I do. And I have to remind myself. Do it anyway. Big things and little things.

  161. Different is OK, that is not my circus or monkeys, and you be you. It is okay to walk away from toxic people and jobs!

  162. Going to a therapist and taking meds does not mean you are weak or a failure. That is the strongest and bravest thing you will ever do.

    If you wouldn’t want this kind of relationship for your child, why is it good enough for you? Leave. You’ll be a much better mom for it.

    Also: Wear sunscreen.

  163. You know what’s best for yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and for God’s sake, don’t let the fear of hurting or disappointing someone else prevent you from following your instincts about what is right for YOU. No one else will EVER put your needs first especially if you don’t. Hang in there. You are strong, competent and the single best judge of your own interests. Don’t doubt yourself.

  164. For me it would be; We outgrow people for a reason because we evolve and they stay stagnant so it’s okay to cut people loose or leave them behind. Those are people who don’t help you evolve because they are mental midgets and toxic. We don’t change to fit someones idea of what we should be. We evolve to better ourselves and no one else.

  165. Years from now you’ll look back and wonder why you stressed so much. Enjoy your life, just have fun with it. Everything is temporary, both good and bad, so live in the moment and smile once in a while.

  166. You are a living miracle. I know it’s a cliche but when you really stop to think it over, it’s true! I got this from a self guided meditation on you tube called “30 day weight loss challenge” by David Mcgraw. I’ve finished the 30 days and while I haven’t lost much weight (yet), the way it makes me feel is amazing! It seems to speak directly to the little monkey dancing frantically in the back of my head telling me I’m not good enough (and various other crap) and calms that sucker right down. For the first time in a long time I am taking an interest in what’s going on around me and not just struggling to make it through a day.
    And Vern, there is hope, always hang on to it with all your might. Please seek help, preferably not on you tube!

  167. You don’t need to be perfect to be loved, or to love yourself. Just be kind and helpful, accept and enjoy your body as it is instead of criticizing it, and know that you will become stronger with every passing year.

  168. Ditto ditto ditto to all replies and Jenny’s. Hugs…”Just keep swimming.” -Dory 😊💟🎶🔜🔆

  169. “Here’s some cake. It’s gluten free.” I just really love cake.

    And…

    “Nothing stays the same forever” This helps me remember to enjoy what’s going on now and reassures me that the crap stuff won’t last forever.

  170. Even if you can’t focus on just one or two things, keep focusing on something (or two things) over the long term. Even if all of your other interests are all over the place. You will then end up with a good skill, or completed work, or something useful.

  171. You don’t have to put up with someone’s abuse just because every now and then they might tell you that they love you. Love is a feeling AND an action.

  172. I’m transgender, so the thing I have to tell myself is “I’m just as much of a woman as others are” and “sometimes i am pretty enough, so fuck off haters”

  173. Everyone else feels like they’re faking it, too, at least sometimes. Most people feel that way as often as you do.

    It only SEEMS like everyone else has it together more than you.

    If you look below the surface, you’ll find that we’re almost all riddled with uncertainty and self-doubt. And that’s ok. That, and the fact that we keep going anyway, help make us beautifully human.

  174. You can’t make everyone happy all the time, so stop trying. Especially if it’s at the cost of your own happiness.

  175. That I am someone’s treasure. It may not be my current sig other who sees that, but someone out there will see and value me like I want to be seen and valued.

  176. You are not disappearing. Being a wife, mother and coworker is a part of you now, but it is not all that you are. Be kinder to yourself and you’ll be found again.

  177. You don’t have to be perfect. It’s OK to ask for, and need, help. You don’t have to carry the weight of everyone’s problems on your shoulders. You are important too. You don’t always have to put others before yourself. You deserve to be loved.

  178. So What? Applies in so many situations… So what if someone doesn’t like you? So what if you look silly? So what if someone knows you are frustrated? So what if there are dirty dishes in your sink?

  179. Someone besides your dogs care if you are breathing. Okay my dad does. After him I may have noone but I have to be okay with that and love myself enough.

  180. Your curly hair is beautiful!
    People actually pay money to look as beautiful as you!
    Trust me, leave it. Let it fly and when someone says it looks nice, just say Thank You. And then shut up, no explaining why it’s not.
    I love you.

  181. I have several. I use them as needed. In no particular order:

    “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” ~ Samuel Beckett

    “You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” ~ Unknown to me

    “Put your own oxygen mask on first.” ~ My BFF

    “You can do this. Be brave. They only win if we give up hope.” ~ My BFF

    “You are loved. You matter. You would be missed. There are strangers on the internet who care even though you have never met irl. You can do the thing you think you cannot do. You are not alone.” ~ An amalgamation of your words and those of #thebloggesstribe

    “Never make someone else a priority when they make you an option.” ~ Previous coworker

    “Some days you are the statue, some days you are the pigeon.” ~ Unknown to me

    “What day is today?” said Pooh “It’s the day we burn this motherfucker to the ground.” squeaked Piglet ” My favorite day.” said Pooh

    “Enlightenment is when you stop trying to be yourself and just BE yourself.” ~ My daughter Lula