Yesterday Victor saw a turtle in the middle of a busy road so he jumped out to get it and put it on the median, but if the turtle kept going it would just cross into another busy street and then a parking lot so I was like, “Let’s just take this turtle to the park so it can have an awesome life” and I did and he peed on me because no good deed goes unpunished. I showed it the pond and said “ALL THIS IS YOURS!” like he was the lion king:
And I felt quite good about saving the world (of that turtle) until I shared it on Instagram and found out that you are totally not supposed to relocate turtles (other than just off the road and pointed in the direction that they were heading) and I felt bad but also very grateful that people were sharing turtle information because honestly that shit is important.
So I drove back to the park to see if the turtle was looking distressed or headed back in the direction of the road I’d taken him off of (it’s only a 5 minute walk with human legs but probably 8 years for a turtle) but he was flopping around in the pond and it seemed like he was very happy or trying to drown himself but either way I couldn’t reach him so I’m just crossing my fingers that this pond was the place he was headed anyway and I just ubered him them there for free.
But then today I went back to the park again and I saw him all the way on the other side of the park and he was shuffling off in the direction of the road and it was impressive how far he’d gone for a turtle so I thought maybe I should help and walk him across the street back to where he was before but when I picked him up I realized that he didn’t have the same tire mark in his shell that he’d had yesterday and I said “HOLD UP, BUDDY. YOU’RE NOT YOU” because it was a whole other turtle altogether. Then a lady in the park stared at me and that’s probably fair because basically I was interfering with all the neighborhood turtles so I put the turtle down and explained, “I thought he was someone I knew” and she nodded and started walking away quickly but I don’t think she should judge me because she was wearing her dog as a purse.
Not in her purse. As her purse. I took a picture to send a friend because I feel badly about accidentally trafficking turtles but at least I’m not wearing live animals, lady but then my friend was like, “That’s not a dog purse. It’s a special leash for dogs with mobility problems.”
And then I decided I was probably going to hell because basically I was making fun of handicapped dogs while forcibly kidnapping multiple turtles. And that’s how my whole week has been.
PS. Thank you to all the people who very kindly gave me turtle advice. Learn from me, y’all.