Animals should have care labels attached to them.

Yesterday Victor saw a turtle in the middle of a busy road so he jumped out to get it and put it on the median, but if the turtle kept going it would just cross into another busy street and then a parking lot so I was like, “Let’s just take this turtle to the park so it can have an awesome life” and I did and he peed on me because no good deed goes unpunished.   I showed it the pond and said “ALL THIS IS YOURS!” like he was the lion king:

And I felt quite good about saving the world (of that turtle) until I shared it on Instagram and found out that you are totally not supposed to relocate turtles (other than just off the road and pointed in the direction that they were heading) and I felt bad but also very grateful that people were sharing turtle information because honestly that shit is important.

So I drove back to the park to see if the turtle was looking distressed or headed back in the direction of the road I’d taken him off of (it’s only a 5 minute walk with human legs but probably 8 years for a turtle) but he was flopping around in the pond and it seemed like he was very happy or trying to drown himself but either way I couldn’t reach him so I’m just crossing my fingers that this pond was the place he was headed anyway and I just ubered him them there for free.

But then today I went back to the park again and I saw him all the way on the other side of the park and he was shuffling off in the direction of the road and it was impressive how far he’d gone for a turtle so I thought maybe I should help and walk him across the street back to where he was before but when I picked him up I realized that he didn’t have the same tire mark in his shell that he’d had yesterday and I said “HOLD UP, BUDDY.  YOU’RE NOT YOU” because it was a whole other turtle altogether.  Then a lady in the park stared at me and that’s probably fair because basically I was interfering with all the neighborhood turtles so I put the turtle down and explained, “I thought he was someone I knew” and she nodded and started walking away quickly but I don’t think she should judge me because she was wearing her dog as a purse.

Not in her purse.  As her purse.  I took a picture to send a friend because I feel badly about accidentally trafficking turtles but at least I’m not wearing live animals, lady but then my friend was like, “That’s not a dog purse.  It’s a special leash for dogs with mobility problems.”

oh.

And then I decided I was probably going to hell because basically I was making fun of handicapped dogs while forcibly kidnapping multiple turtles.  And that’s how my whole week has been.

PS. Thank you to all the people who very kindly gave me turtle advice.  Learn from me, y’all.

115 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I did not know that about turtles. I probably would have done the same thing.
    I hope the turtle pee brings you good luck.

    Liked by 3 people

    Gaz recently posted Corn cheese and sous vide lamb rack.

  2. I quite agree about the labels. I found a frog crossing the road the other day and it was so tiny I couldn’t even take it’s photo. So with a little help from wifey, she moved him to the bank where at least he wouldn’t get squashed.

    Liked by 2 people

    Trev Jones recently posted Apple & Blackberry Pie.

  3. But now you’ve performed a public service because I did not know that leash was a thing and when my old greyhound (now sadly passed) was having issues we had to do a LOT of “towel walks” and this leash would have been a much better choice for everyone. Now our current oldest has arthritis and we know she may someday need extra assistance getting around and you basically made her twilight years much nicer and less lint-y.

    Plus, I’m sure the turtles are fine. They’re turtles—they’ve survived worse than stalker-y Uber drivers.

    Liked by 5 people

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted His Fluffer.

  4. Had to show this to my hubs, because this is exactly how my brain works, too! Too funny!!!!😝😂

    Like

  5. No good deed! For sure. My mom and I ‘rescued’ a fawn curled up on the side of the road when I was in high school. Only to be chastised told we actually stole it, ruined its life and made for certain it was dead to its mama. Well, whoops. So uh, we won’t do that again. Nor will I touch a turtle now, so thanks for that.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. We’ve had many a wayward turtle pee on us. I’m taking it as a badge of honor by now.
    And I’m with you on the purse, she totally has sunglasses and an extra car key in that dog.

    Liked by 6 people

  7. 7
    Karen Reeves - Queenomedia

    Maybe you could put the turtle on the dog’s back and safely walk them both across the street. Then the turtle could pee on the dog instead of you … I digress.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Turtles will spend their life trying to get back to their territory/in the direction they are heading. So what is highly recommended is to take them to safety in the exact direction they are going. If that means crossing 7 lanes of the highway and then one small street, keep going (without being hit). But never take them to another location or try to turn them around.

    Studies have been done with box turtles taking them miles away from where they were found, and they have this internal gyroscope and keep trying to get back. Lots on the Internet about this. (We live in a community with lots of turtles so it happens a lot.)

    Liked by 2 people

  9. OMG I just LOL’d so hard. Love you and love your blog! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  10. 10
    Konrad Yarbrough

    Yeah, but it’d probably be “special needs animals hell” where your “forced” to care for animals for all of eternity, which is kinda daw. I don’t think Satan thought that hell through. Everyone has an off day, so just cut him/her/it some slack, man.

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  11. Add turtle trafficking to your résumé. It could open some doors for you. Those doors might have bars on them or lead to scary back alleys, but either way you get new experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. A few weeks ago, I was stopped behind a turtle crossing and it took 10 minutes, which put me deeper into rush hour, so it took an extra 20 to get home. But the turtle made it from one pond to the next safely, so I felt good about my choice.

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    Chrissy Woj recently posted Can we please see Wolverine the Musical?.

  13. I love you so much weirdo.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I’m almost positive that turtle was headed toward that Park and that pond anyway, so you did a good thing. You also did a good thing showing us the leash. When my sister’s dog got hip dysplasia in her elder years, they used a towel to shore up her hips. Now my large breed dog is nine years old and may need that exact leash in the next few years, and I never would have known it existed. Now, thanks to your post, I’ll know what to look for when and if the time comes that she actually needs it. You’re a good person.

    Liked by 2 people

    Vicky recently posted My logical brain is missing.

  15. Ha ha! I’ve been peed on by a turtle before. Who knew they had that as a defense mechanism? Well, I do now. But I didn’t before I picked up the turtle. Learn from experience, yeah?

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  16. Chaotic Good!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Jenny you are adorable! Please don’t ever change. Except when the lost looking animals are larger than you, then please leave them be🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  18. It bothered me yesterday that so many people jumped on you with lectures about the sanctity of turtle direction. If you’d posted that you saw the turtle in the road and hoped he made it, you would probably have been peed on by readers for not saving it. No good deed, indeed. I’m glad you took all the REPEATED explanations and DETAILED scientific lectures in the spirit they were meant. I was irritated on your behalf, even if I was also educated by the experience and will now just leave the fuckers where they are and hope they make it. Because I’m a bitch like that.

    Liked by 3 people

  19. My kid LOVES turtles. Especially sea turtles and the wildlife preserve always uses the West Dennis Beach on Cape Cod before, during and after the week we vacation there. Every year, he misses the damn turtles. One year, it was kind of rainy so we decided not to go to the beach that day. Instead we went to the Woods Hole Science Aquarium to check out, among other things, some sea turtles. Later that day we found out that the sea turtles were released on the beach we took one day out of vacation not to visit. So this year, anticipating missing the whole ordeal as per history proves, we found a place for my thirteen year old boy to ‘adopt’ one of several species of turtles. He picked one out and immediately blurted out ALEXANDER GRAHAM SHELL because he’s been clearly thinking about this moment for his entire lifetime.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I loved this. We don’t have turtles in Scotland (at least not running about in the traffic) but we have hedgehogs and the same rules apply, apparenlty.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Too funny! I’m sure the turtle will adjust to his new home, don’t feel too bad! And the dog harness… who knew?! Pretty cool I think!

    Like

  22. I spent an afternoon repeatedly picking up a fledgling Scrub Jay off the ground and placing him up in a tree to keep him … you know … up out of danger. He kept launching himself into the air, but hadn’t mastered that ‘flapping’ thing. At first his parents panicked each time I picked him up, but after a while, his parents would actually come to the patio door squawking at me until I’d come out and rescue him again. So, at least I had parental permission.

    Liked by 3 people

  23. Lots of good information here but I have a question. According to Google, turtles pee through their mouths. (I know, yuck) Is that where the pee came from? If not…hmmmm.

    I also found this:
    “Turtle urine causes brain damage in humans when it comes in contact with your skin.”
    While this is medically incorrect, it would make sense in my case and explain an awful lot.

    So now you have a ready-made excuse when Victor starts getting on your case about something you do or say.

    Liked by 1 person

  24.         At least you are not like the lady in Spain that had pain in her lady parts, went to the doctor and they found a dead turtle in her vagina!     
    

    (what. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 3 people

  25. My idiot dog Jasper found a box turtle the exact size of a tennis ball once and brought it to me for me to throw. I didn’t, needless to say, much to Jasper’s disappointment. But I have no idea where Jasper found him or which direction he was headed in, so we probably just confused the poor little guy.

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  26. Jenny, somewhere back there, we’re related. I just know this, because I carry a pair of bright orange heavy rubber gloves so I can save turtles in the street. In addition to other admonishments, you should be warned they carry salmonella and we don’ t want you to get that. Also, if you see a turtle with a shell that looks like mud and rocks, and it has very hooked beak,, DON’T try to pick it up. Snapping turtles look really cool and prehistoric, and they can bite through your arm and snap bone. Better to just use a shovel, and direct traffic with the orange gloves. Not only is it bad etiquette to take turtles out of their territory, in most places its actually against the law. But then, that mugshot would make a very cool t- shirt.

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  27. I wonder if that dog leash would work for lazy husbands? Or husbands reluctant to go to the movie theatre or shopping? I’m asking for a friend. Honest.

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    Mrs. Completely recently posted Bird Flipping, a Birthday Party and a Hospital.

  28. Early this summer we were stopped on the interstate because of a family of geese crossing. But they went the wrong way toward a cement wall, and they had to turn around. Thank God there weren’t any jerks on the road that day. The babies were so adorable.

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    Mamacita recently posted Musical Coffee.

  29. You may be kidnapping turtles, but I drop kicked a frog last week, and I’m pretty sure I tripped on another one this week. (I walk early in the morning, before sunrise. The frogs like to hang out on the sidewalk near the streetlights, to catch stray crickets for breakfast (I imagine). Sometimes, I am not watching the ground where I’m walking, so if I startle a frog at just the right time, he will jump right in the path of my swinging foot. Thus, the drop kick. The other one did not startle until I tripped over him. Then I did a fun “don’t step on the frog you can’t actually see” dance. Good thing no one else is out before dawn…)

    Liked by 1 person

  30. I’ve never actually seen a turtle outside of a zoo, aquarium or the pet store. :-/ I DID however see deer tracks the other night when I was out hiking and went “Huh. I’ve never actually seen a deer that wasn’t mounted on somebody’s wall that was JUST a head and not a whole deer.” But somehow I know exactly what deer tracks look like because I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to graduate from high school in Texas until you can identify deer, raccoon and bobcat tracks reliably.

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  31. So… the turtle (either turtle) could totally be that dog’s service animal.

    Quick! Somebody crochet a turtle-sized harness vest thing!

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    OwnLessDoMore recently posted I was not bare in bed, but a bear sure came *near* my bed!.

  32. I’m so glad you passed on the turtle lore to everyone on your blog. It’s totally true, if you need to rescue a turtle from the road, just move them to the other side in the direction they were heading. Why does the turtle cross the road? Usually to lay eggs. We’ve got a monster snapper who does this every year, goes from her pond to a creek and then goes home again.

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  33. In my limited experience, I know two things: you can relocate raccoons, but you can’t relocate beavers.

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    mydangblog recently posted My Week 208: Alaska Is Cold, Stuffed Squirrels.

  34. The park was probably in the turtle’s home range anyway, so you just provided a small detour. This guys can move surprisingly far if given the space. You still did a good thing. Our little turtle friends need a lot of help right now anyway, roads are hard things to deal with!

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  35. I have a dog purse– as in a purse that looks very much like a real dog. I was nearly ejected from a restaurant while carrying it. Had to show the hostess the zipper to convince her that I was not smuggling a pet in. Siobhan

    Liked by 1 person

  36. A captured snake peed on my sister once. I thought it was hysterical. The peeing, I mean. Though maybe the snake was hysterical too, hence the peeing.

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    Janet Coburn recently posted Early Childhood Education: Then and Now.

  37. I have turtles come to lay eggs in my yard every year. We have wet lands in the back of our property. I was educated early on to just leave them be and they will take care of themselves. It is pretty amazing to see the newborn turtles walking back to the wetlands. Nature is wonderful and beautiful.

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  38. That’s what I call an eventful and informative week. Hakuna Matata

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  39. aaaaaand….I would have done exactly the same things. Turtle wise.

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  40. One time, when I first moved to Texas, I rescued a turtle from the road and it bit me. I was like “WTF, turtle! I saved you!” Then it peed on me. I was… pissed (for lack of a better word). I’m a city gal from Southern California. I had NO IDEA turtles bit. Or, peed. #LearnOneNewThingEachDay

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  41. Turtle 2 probably didn’t like that Turtle 1 riffraff you moved into his pond. He was all, “There goes the neighborhood.”

    Liked by 1 person

  42. 43
    Heather Lessells

    I love this post! You made me laugh so much!

    Like

  43. In spite of you difficulties, I’m thankful to know I’m not the only one concerned with turtle wellbeing. I got cursed at for stopping on a country road to let a turtle cross. Asshole was probably the kind that WOULD wear a dog as a purse. 😉

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  44. thank you. for being gracious, for being funny, for being willing to write things like this. you are now an honorary tortle (tortoise + turtle). congratulations!
    🐢🐢🐢

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  45. I relocated a turtle once as well. I, too, got peed on! I’m sure it’s a sign of gratitude!

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  46. I once had a coworker who accidentally illegally bought turtles during a sting operation.

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  47. […] Source: Animals should have care labels attached to them. | The Bloggess […]

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  48. Hey, all you can do is the best you can with what you know. Meaning well is the biggest part (and I was a vet tech specializing in emergency care before I was a SAHM, so I know whereof I speak. You wouldn’t BELIEVE the sh*! people do to animals on a regular basi: a snake with a screwdriver through its skull left on the side of the road to die, a diabetic cat abandoned BECAUSE he was diabetic, puppies given coffee enemas—the nauseating list goes on. One of my absolute favorite cats—my feline soulmate—was thrown out of a moving car at the age of five weeks, not even fully weaned yet. That made me white-hot with rage—if you’re gonna abandon an animal, at least SLOW DOWN, asshole!)

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  49. It’s egg-laying season, so females are headed to the nesting area that their mental map leads them to. As long as it was within a mile of its home range, it can find its way back to the house. Turtles do pee, and quite a lot. They are unimpressed with rescue efforts.

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    becomingcliche recently posted The Introverted Activist: Be the Light.

  50. Also, regarding care labels, I can help there, too. Do Not Dry-Clean. Or Wet Clean. Or Tumble Dry. Let them be self-cleaning.

    Liked by 1 person

  51. Sometimes I feel like you’re me.

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  52. What a gorgeous turtle. I think you did a wonderful job in saving him and going back to check on him. And that dog thing is weird.

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  53. I once had a turtle walk to my front door and sit on the doorstep, waiting for me to come home from work. When I told my husband the turtle OBVIOUSLY wanted to live with us, he said no. Mean. But also true. I wouldn’t want to falsely imprison a turtle, just because he came to say hello.

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    Sammi Sidetracked recently posted Adventures in Babysitting Husbands.

  54. No good deed goes unPEED.

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  55. By the way if it makes you feel any better when we were kids we buried my brother’s turtle because we assumed he died but a year or so later we learned in school that turtles, even ones kept as pets, sometimes hibernate. I’m still haunted by this.

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  56. You learn something new everyday. My neighbor relocated five baby bunnies to her yard to keep the safe. I even named one Peter Rabbit (real original I know). Then they began to die one by one. She tried everything. I did some research and learned that you are never supposed to move baby bunnies because mama bunny comes and goes to bring them food etc. I didn’t have the heart to tell my neighbor this.

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    My Superpowers Have Yet to Come recently posted Thank You Jenny Lawson (aka the Bloggess).

  57. Honestly, how has your life not been picked up by the big networks to replace “I Love Lucy” ?

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  58. My dad once gave me an article about how people trying to save desert tortoises by helping them across roads were accidentally killing them because when they pee from being picked up (they all do that–I’ve never picked up a turtle where it didn’t pee) they can’t get that water back. So with that in my head, when I helped a turtle across a road in Minnesota and it peed I freaked out and felt I needed to put it down near a puddle and had to walk it a bit of a distance to find one. Even though I was not in the desert I was now worried I had dehydrated a turtle. Now I’m just hoping I walked it in the right direction.

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    Korinthia recently posted Dubuque.

  59. Hey im a bowhunter so no judgement from me…at least you didnt eat him like my grandmother would…oh wait, thats snapping turtles, not painted ones… youre a beast bloggess, just a beast…!

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  60. 61
    Justpeed-again

    I now have people staring at me in the airport as I am waiting for my delayed flight. I am laughing so hard that I am ugly crying with tears and now I can’t get up because I think I pee’d my pants!!
    Thanks for sharing and providing some great information on both turtles and dog purses.

    Like

  61. I’m assuming part of the advice was that turtles carry salmonella bacteria which transfers to people easily. WASH YOUR HANDS. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2018/09/20/guess-who-got-knocked-up/

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  62. 63
    Joe Passarelli

    The so called turtle was probably delivering a computer chip to the local polling place to disrupt the next election. Could be.. Was his name Vlady? The Ruskies released hundreds of them at the Trump towers with the last delivery of slightly used & soiled mattresses over an 8 month period. Vlady also called himself Lady to try to confuse us. Could you tell if he was a she? Did she smell like Borsch? Not likely…

    Liked by 1 person

  63. I have heard a story about a couple of hikers in the Mojave Desert that came upon a tortoise in an upside-down predicament. One of the hikers up-righted this tortoise on to land that was more productive for it’s forward adventure. No harm, no foul. WRONG. It was told to them that their action could be fined lots of $$, and a felony. WHAT?! ! Some laws make no sense that I can grasp. Got an explanation?………..I would love to know.

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  64. Now what we need is a leash for turtles with mobility problems and we’ll be all set.

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  65. 66
    Rebecca in SoCal

    We’ll give the lady with the mobility leash a pass, and yet…people have worn dogs! https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/15/dog-purse-accessory_n_3761349.html So you were right to be alert to that. I don’t think it’s a great idea.

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  66. Thank you!!

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  67. I had to share this with my sister because it feels like something we would have done, too! 😀

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  68. 69
    Miss Mixed Barbie

    Well, fuck. I live in the country so I save turtles all the time.

    Like

  69. Wouldn’t it be more effective to put the dog on a skateboard?

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  70. We saved a kitten from a dog park. Well, actually the kitten was capably hiding from the dogs up in a tree and scoping for a suitable target, saw us pull up, fell out of the tree, ran across the parking lot and climbed onto my head. Then he peed on my purse while I was waiting at the vets to get him checked out (at that point he was in my lap, I didn’t have my purse on my head. That time. Although it has been suggested that I staple my purse to my head so I don’t lose it again). The pee purse lasted another few years. Sir Rigby Furrypants is still going strong 9 years later. See, I have stray animal, purse and pee stories too. Anyone else care to join us?

    Also, your next google search words will be fun looking at the other comments…. anyone else singing ‘the lady in spain has mainly lady-part pain’ like in My Fair Lady? Just me? ‘Mainly’, not ‘manly’ vagina pain. That’s different. Have fun, google search words.

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  71. Wow that dog purse looks just like my pup (10 months old) Gracie. No mobility issues with her though, she’d be up one side and down the other before you know it. And her ears are pricked. Now that sounds dirty, umm , walking away..

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  72. If you are going to Hell I want in too.

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  73. Extra-fun fact: Red Eared Sliders can’t pee out of the water. They actually “release it along with their poop in the form of urates (a mix of poop and uric acid)” (source: O Man, answering someone else’s question on Yahoo Answers). So although it did emit liquid (likely water) from its cloaca (a multipurpose pee-poo-sex-babies hole that most reptiles and birds have, it did not TECHNICALLY pee on you. Although “emitted not-pee water on me” kind of ruins the flow of the post,to be fair

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  74. Durse. Dog purse.

    And if there were turtles that needed mobility assistance… Turse or maybe turturse. Yeah, the second one is weirder, so that’s what I’ll go with.

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  75. That’s a weird thought, but somehow I’m surprised to discover turtles pee…

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  76. One day, I AM GKING TO NEED a “purse assist” so someone can take ME for a walk. Thank you, shall file this ‘walking appliance’ ideaynder “Later” .

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  77. My son had a turtle named Ronda. He loved this little miniature turtle, but the turtle died. He buried it in the flower bed of my old house. I wonder if the new homeowners have unearthed it yet. It was marked with a cross made out of fork handles and a plastic plant from Ronda’s tank.

    He’s a weird thing….I have a transgendered cat. My male cat had issues with bladder stones and not being able to pass them, so they performed Perineal Urethrostomy surgery on him, which is basically removing the penis and adjusting his plumbing to that of a female. I hung a transgendered bathroom sign over his litter box.. But he wasn’t amused. My other cat is so confused. He keeps sniffing Harley’s butt, thinking he smells like a male but looks like a female. What the hell?????

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  78. 79
    Antoinette Niebieszczanski

    Any time we visited my auntie and uncle in Arkansas, we had to rescue the basking-in-the-middle-of-the-road hissing, pissing turtles. My auntie kept a flat shovel in her car so we could avoid being bitten and/or peed on. All turtles were safely relocated and not just tossed into the surrounding countryside.

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  79. There is actually a Turtle Rescue League up here in Connecticut. They post Turtle Crossing signs in high turtle trafffic areas and educate the public on how to help turtles cross the road ❤️❤️

    http://www.turtlerescueleague.com

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  80. We have a desert tortoise as a pet that was given to us by neighbors , many years ago, when they moved to Alaska. At the time he was the size of a hamburger but of course he didn’t stay that size. He grew to be more than 150 lbs. one day we returned home to find he had succeeded in digging his way under the backyard fence, and was sauntering down the street, followed by a a police car in a ‘slow speed chase.’ I have no idea what his destination was, but he had no intention of letting a couple of L.A’s finest get in his way. The officers had no idea what to do with this huge prehistoric looking walking boulder, with very spikey legs & feet. My youngest son saved the day by plucking a few red hybiscus ( Tortuga’s weakness), and luring him back home, where he will probably outlive us all.

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  81. OHHHH NOOOOOO! I “helped” a turtle or thought I was helping by rescuing him from the middle of the road. I put him back on the side of the road that he was facing away from… UGH! Well, he was a very large turtle… so maybe that means he is “street-wise” and been around the block a few times. Live long and prosper, old turtle! Hope you are still out there living large!

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  82. I just finished reading Christopher Moore’s “Noir” so I am wondering if turtle pee noodle shops could be a thing…

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  83. 84
    Kdenny37@hotmail.com

    Saving turtles on road is one of possible ways I will be killed. , or dogs tripping me down the stairs or rescuing lost / feral cats. As my father pointed out I will end up a road pizza if I’m not careful.but thanks for helping the turtle

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  84. Oh my my! This is one of the best blogs yet. “HOLD UP, BUDDY. YOU’RE NOT YOU” — Hilarious. You were just trying to help.

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  85. I think all the turtles will be fine. Thanks for the laughs!

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  86. Yay for saving turtles – thing of it this way: it is much better to try to live in a new pond than to be dead on the road. And now you know for next time! Here in NE (and I suspect in other places) idiots love to run them over on purpose. I’ve been able to move 3 (always when I’m running late for work – they seem to know this) and found one crushed. I try to make myself feel better that I’ve saved more than I’ve “lost”. And yay for the lady with the dog harness!!!

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  87. That is MUCH cuter than the 10 pound snapping turtle I moved out of a busy street. Let me tell you, that bastard was NOT happy I was helping him.

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  88. I’m still mad at my husband because we found a baby moose on the side of the road and it was all alone and just STANDING there and no Mama anywhere and I wanted to bring it home cause we had plenty of space and grass and stuff and my hubby wouldn’t stop the van, even though we had plenty of room for the baby moose and he said the Mama was around, but she wasn’t cause I couldn’t see her anywhere, and why wasn’t she with her baby???? So she was a bad Mama and I would have taken better care of the baby moose but my hubby wouldn’t stop anyways, so I had to leave that baby moose to fend for itself and that was like 10 years ago and I’ve never forgotten it and every time I see a moose now I wonder if it’s my baby and it somehow survived, because I loved it enough that I willed it to live.

    You did good Jenny.

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  89. 90
    Rebecca Turner

    I am also a turtle saver. Once I stopped in fairly busy traffic to get a very large snapping turtle off of the road. It was seriously plodding down the yellow line. I parked on the shoulder of the road which had a ravine beside it. I stopped traffic and went to help this stupid Turtle who was going to be run over. He did not pee on me but attempted to amputate my fingers as he was at least 10 lbs and cranky. With the help of my foot he crawled towards the ravine. Finally, we triumphantly reached the side of the road…through the horn honking and generally pissed off comments from other cars. Then, without warning, a deluge started, a rain so heavy it felt like somebody was pouring buckets of water over my head. With a little roar, the shoulder of the road gave way, and I watched my car slide sideways but swiftly down into the ravine. Several hours, 2 tow trucks, many pissed off commuters, and an incredulous cop later, I got back into my car and drove home. That is my turtle story.

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  90. 91
    Shannon McConnell

    Oh man I so didnt know!we have “saved” several turtles and I guess really they just wound up very confused and upset with me. Guess i know for next time.

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  91. …and this is why we love you, for keeping it real.
    How many of us haven’t mis-rescued a stray turtle, or made fun of someone doing something that is perfectly rational if you have all the information? Most of us just cringe and get on with our lives, but you show us that we are all the same.

    I bet the lady wearing her handicapped dog has probably done the turtle thing before, and that’s why she nodded in solidarity with you.

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  92. I have lots of turtle stories, but this morning I relocated a gopher tortoise out of my backyard. My only other option was to keep allowing my two fur-babies (not special needs) at least not physically, to continue to play tug-o-war with it and eat it for breakfast. I’m pretty sure he’s grateful that I intervened! Did you know that tortoises are turtles, but not all turtles are tortoise?

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  93. WARNING: Turtle urine causes instant necrotic skin lesions upon contact. Absorption may occur when exposed to large amounts of turtle urine, leading to kidney failure, an enlarged spleen, and possibly the disintegration of a small random bone in your foot. Picking up and relocating this turtle carries a 100% risk of turtle urine exposure. Be a good, caring, totally awesome person at your own risk.

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    Lille recently posted i was reared by the yard sale table.

  94. Our cat tells us when she wants something! She also uses body language to show us what she wants! Since she is 18 years old we have spoiled her a bit!💞💟

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  95. My friend saw a turtle in the road and had no time to get it out of the road while she was on her way to work. On her way home, he was dead. You saved a turtle!

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  96. I would totally save a turtle from the road if we had turtles up here, but the poor things would freeze to death, and sensibly live elsewhere. And now if I am in turtle territory I know what to do if I run across one in need of assistance, which means I learned something today so today was not wasted.

    I’m really short so hooking my parents’ greyhound into that leash on me would look seriously hilarious. I’m not sure what she’d think of it, but she’s a greyhound, so mellow is a big part of her personality. (I highly encourage people to look into rescue greyhounds if they’re wanting a dog. They are absolute loves. Total couch potatoes, too.)

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  97. Rebecca in SoCall, that dog purse 👛 in the streets of New York better be handicapable. Otherwise it should bite the owner on the butt. It looks mad enough to do so.

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  98. Rebecca in SoCal, that doggie “purse” better be a handicapable dig. Otherwise it should bite her on the butt. It looks pissed enough to do so!

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    Carol Lennox recently posted My Love Affair With Santa Fe.

  99. Damn it WordPress, or Jenny’s blog fairies! Give us a way to edit our comments! Dog purse, not dig purse!

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    Carol Lennox recently posted My Love Affair With Santa Fe.

  100. Is turtle pee an aphrodisiac in some countries?

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  101. Add turtle kidnapping to your Amazon search, That should have some nice outcome

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  102. I can relate to this! I once saved a baby sea turtle by carrying it to the ocean. It was only about six feet away but to your point, it takes about 17 years for a baby sea turtle to crawl six feet and as we know, A LOT can happen in 17 years. So technically, I extended its life.

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    Mona Andrei (aka Moxie-Dude) recently posted Back to school. Midlife (with a reluctant ‘ish’). And a writer’s retreat..

  103. Well, thanks to Laina Smith on comment 25 you can now look forward to “vagina turtle” as one of your next strange Google search terms. Guess that turtle had a specific destination in mind and was not being deterred by anything, even if it did kill him in the end. Worse ways to go I guess.

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    Arionis recently posted These Doctors Are Jamaican Me Crazy!.

  104. Some things to remember when handling turtles:

    Make sure it’s not a snapping turtle, for starters, They have a powerful jaw, and can take a finger off if so inclined.

    The best (and safest) way to move a large turtle, if he must be picked up, is not by the carapace. He can get his hind legs far enough forward to scoot himself right out of your hands! Pick him up from behind, one hand under, and one hand on top, the way you would carry a heavy covered dish with no handles. He cannot reach your hands, and you decrease the risk of being bitten.

    Sometimes you will see someone stealing a wild turtle to bring home. I got one woman to put it back by telling her it was a snapping turtle. lol. works every time.

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    judyt54 recently posted Bits and Pieces.

  105. I work at a community college that has a pond across the road and another one next to us. We also all happen to be a bunch of bleeding heart animal lovers, so every spring and fall turn into constant “turtle rescue” episodes with one or more staff members helping the turtles cross the busy road. We’ve also rescued stray dogs, stunned birds that hit the windows, and one tiny bat that accidentally ended up in our supply closet. A few tips for turtle rescue, make sure it’s not a snapper and depending on the size if it is, it might be better to just block traffic for a minute while it crosses the road. It’s better to be safe and keep all your fingers. Make sure to wash hands immediately after handling turtles as they can carry salmonella and other illnesses. Happy turtle saving!

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  106. I think you were wonderful for that turtle. Id have to look up Spirit Animal TURTLE and see what it is trying to tell you. And if it was good luck to have it pee on you. Certainly someone is saving turtle urine for some spell or another right????

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  107. So what’s the fashion rule on dogs as purses/bags? Are they still supposed to match your shoes?

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  108. I always try to help the turtles across the road. A few weeks ago, one was in the middle of my street and I placed him gently on the side of the road where he was aiming and damn if someone didn’t flatten him a couple of days later in almost the exact same spot. I am not completely certain it was the same turtle but it bummed me out just the same.

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  109. I rescued a turtle in the middle of nowhere Montana this summer. He was crossing a busy gravel road (yes, busy for nowhere) and attempting to climb a mountain and there were bears. So I took him back down to the lake below. I don’t believe I harmed him by any means. If he needed to climb a mountain, I’m sure he went ahead and did it.

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  110. 111
    LeAnn Woodward

    THIS IS THE BEST!! Thank you for the education on turtles and for the laugh. ❤

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  111. To what extent would we be legally required to follow the care labels? What happens if cows start wearing labels saying: “Warning: Do not make into delicious hamburgers and steaks”? I’m struggling for guidance here.

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  112. I have always moved turtles out of the roads, but turtles in Wisconsin are different: they pee and pee and pee–this has only happened to me here! THEN last year there was a snapping turtle IN THE ROAD…..I HAD to move it. I pulled over, whipped out my trusty umbrella, hooked the edge of her shell (no way I’m picking her up by the tail, even though I thought I could distract her with said umbrella). She wasn’t very polite about it either and there was name-calling. Then I look up and like 40 cars are waiting for us to finish the dance, ugh. Weird too because I saw a bitty little turtle today and didn’t stop because of the tailgater on my butt–now I’m worried about that one.

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  113. I have helped turtles cross the road. The other day I helped a wooly bear cross the road. It’s a good thing too since just as we crossed the street a jeep came down the road and would have squashed it

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  114. I saw a turtle who had fallen off a sidewalk in an attempt to cross the school drop-off driveway, which is a highly suspect location to choose to cross. He’d fallen on his back and was flailing. So I set him right way up and let him do his thing. I was very proud of knowing what to do. The signs at the Turtle Pond had taught me. Turns out institutions of higher education teach you stuff, even on your lunch break. (I was too busy actually learning as a student to visit the Turtle Pond, but staff lunches are a full hour long, some days.)

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