So this week has been particularly hard for me mentally and I think there must be something in the air because it feels like lots of people are struggling right now. My doctor was concerned enough though to move the TMS coil to another area of my brain and hopefully that will help. The depressing part about treating depression is that so much of it is a bit of a science experiment. Is the TMS working and would I have been much worse without treatment? Is it not working as much as last time? Is this my brain lying to me? Is it working for my motivation and anxiety but my depression is so strong that I can’t appreciate the improvement? I don’t know. But I’ll keep moving forward if you will. Nothing is perfect…treatment, life, me…but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile.
Today during treatment I pulled out an embroidery project to distract me from the woodpecker-like pounding in my head and congratulated myself for being able to concentrate enough to work on a project.
…Until I realized that I had somehow sewn myself to the fabric and literally had to cut myself out of my own mess.
This feels very metaphorical but I’m too unfocused to pull it all together so instead I’ll just say that if you’re struggling this week you are not alone and I love you and you will get through this. I promise.