I told my shrink today that I think I have to go back on Xanax. It feels like admitting failure, even though I know it isn’t. It’s a medication, and one that I need when I’m ill. And although I know logically that it’s strong to admit you need help and that I believe this without question, it still feels like weakness.
I’m in and out of the haze of mental illness now…in that bleary spot where you can’t trust your own head to judge life. It’s different for everyone but for me when I’m in a bad place I feel like I haven’t slept since the last time I was mentally well. I have slept, but the days feel chained together and I feel off, like when you’ve been awake so long things start to feel surreal.
Part of the reason why I think I’m feeling this depression is because of my anxiety. It’s been a bit out of control lately and the panic that never ends leads to exhaustion and exhaustion to depression in that slippery downhill slopes of my own mind.
I’ll be fine.
And things are good. My editor started reading my manuscript and loves what she’s read so far which makes me a puddle of relief. The bookstore stuff is harder than I thought but hopefully next week the website will be up and I’ll have more news. The ABA wrote this amazing story about it. Tonight I have a rehearsal for my TEDx talk and although I’m literally sick with anxiety I feel like it’s important and I have hope that I can do it without crying.
So I will try to quiet the voices in my head that scream so loud that I am alone and that I will fail and that everyone hates me and will realize I am the loser my mind says I am. And if you are hearing those terrible voices in your own head, know that they are lies.
It’s going to be okay.
You’ll get through this.
So will I.