These are the conversations we’ll miss when one of us finally murders the other one.

Victor:  Stop playing Pokemon Go and talk to me.

me:  I bet when King Midas was still under that curse/blessing where everything that touched him turned to gold his servants probably fished his solid gold poop out of his chamber pot and were like “WE’RE RICH, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and then they quit their jobs to live off of the poop gold and then a couple days later when King Midas “learned his lesson” they woke up to see that their golden turd they were treasuring had turned back into literal shit.  I bet that was a really bad day.

Victor:  Never mind.  Go back to your phone.

me:  And they’d probably already melted some of the poop stash down to make necklaces for their wives.  Or earrings.

Victor:  I’m eating.

me:  Or…Jesus Christ…gold fillings for their teeth.

Victor:  Please stop.

me:  I’m just saying, they’re gonna get an infection and meanwhile the king is still rich and he got his daughter back and is totally fine.  I mean, the economy just tanked, the gold standard is trashed, people are unemployed and probably have cholera now that they’re smeared in his shit.  But thank God the rich guy learned a lesson and was happy to humbly go back to just being the fucking king.

Victor:  This is the weirdest fight we’ve had all day.

me:  Oh my God, I am seething.

97 thoughts on “These are the conversations we’ll miss when one of us finally murders the other one.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This is the best fight ever. Now I want to know about what happened after Midas ruined the gold standard for everyone… did it become the snake standard? That would be a horrible hassle.
    As for the cholera- I guess sparkly cholera is preferable to the regular type?

  2. Now Im just thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. That is one hell of a case of constipation!!

  3. Now Im just thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. That is one hell of a case of constipation!!

  4. LMAO! I treasure each and everyone of them that you have. It’s been a little over two years since I lost my husband to ALS/Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
    {hugs}
    Sandy May/Wynterose

  5. Arguments like that are what make your two such a great couple. And also what makes this such a great blog. Now if you’ll excuse me my cat is upset because I am spending too much time online.

  6. mmmmm, an official who thinks his shit is gold…..but it really is just shit.
    Sounds like some politicians I can think of…..
    not meaning to be political, but this burns my cookies.

  7. If I die tomorrow, I’m coming back as a pet that can live in your house and listen to you argue.

  8. I love you so much.

    Just last night I told my sweetie that he needed to “think of things that are more fantastical”. Sounds like Victor could use a little Fantastical Thinking as well!

  9. This reminds me so much of the “don’t get me started” types of conversations that I inevitability have with my son. All he has to do is bring up certain subjects, and off I go! It’s funny for a while, but he quickly regrets it!

  10. To the untrained eye, it seemed that A) Victor wanted to talk to you and B) you two promptly had a conversation. I must’ve missed the fight…

  11. This seems very political. And a perfect analogy of everything. It’s all turned to shit.

  12. Bawhahaha that was the best! Because honestly I never thought about people stealing his poop and trying to sell it. Your conversation really make you think about things

  13. . . . is this cautionary tale why the people controlling two thirds of our government have apparently chosen to operate on the shit standard now?

  14. I always love the notifications that you’ve put up a new post, but the “fight” posts are the best. Long live Jenny and Victor, even if he is always wrong! 😂

  15. I love that he dubs it the weirdest fight all day. Not weirdest ever, or all year, or whatever, just for today, Not weirder than some fight in particular yesterday, nor necessarily weirder than one you may have tomorrow, only weird enough to take the cake for today so far. Says a lot about norms and expectations in your marriage.

  16. How do you like the new great league battle system? I’m getting my butt kicked on level 5.

  17. The Viking and I have silent arguments where one of us says something and as soon as the words left the mouth, we both know it shouldn’t have been said. So we blink at each other for a moment, silently assessing whether we really want to commit to a long, loud argument where one of us is going to have to apologize but we aren’t entirely sure who is actually going to be doing the apologizing (the causer or the causee) and then we slowly turn and walk away. Eventually, someone will call or a customer will turn up and distract us from the silent fight we’re grappling with. That’s Adulting like a fucking Boss. 😊

  18. Passing the golden poops: Made me wonder if only the outside of him turned everything to gold. As long as food.. or whatever… was inside he was safe, but as it touched the outer bit of him ahem… gold poo. Because if everything in his stomach was solid gold I think he’d be dead.

  19. I just read my comment and it sounded sarcastic. Stupid typing. What I mean is… I’m home with the flu, and I totally needed that laugh. Even though it made me cough.

  20. I like how after, Midas becomes obsessed with the god Pan and tells Apollo that Pan plays better music than him. Apollo gives him donkey ears. He then hides them under a hat and the only person who knows about them is his barber. The barber couldn’t keep the secret and decided the best way to get it out of his system was the dig a hole and shout into it (as you do). Reeds then grow there and whisper ‘Midas has ass ears’

  21. I’m pretty sure lately I’ve pooped a Diamond. I swear to Midas I’m that constipated. Oh tmi? I’m sorry I have so social skill or as my phone wants to say so “SoCal skills” 🙄🤦‍♀️ Dammit what if I tried to wear it and it turned back to shit? Thank god I didn’t try. 🤣😳

  22. Oh Jenny! I LOVE YOU! I’m a therapist and a couple, who are really children just left my office. They NEED to start having this kind of fight. ALL couples need to have this kind of fight! I’d be out of a job! YAY! Now I can face the next three couples!!!!

  23. I would very much like to have a roundtable discussion with you, Victor, and other readers of your blog about how exactly the gold curse worked, in regards to poop and everything else.

  24. I thought he had to touch the stuff with his hands, so I started thinking, why would his butthole turn things to gold? Then I had to go look up exactly how he did the gold thing, and it mentioned anything that touched his lips also turns to gold. SO now I’m assuming anything that touches anywhere on his body would be gold, and therefore, the gold turd thing totally makes sense.

  25. I think I know how you feel Jenny, I do enjoy your stories and am excited to read your next book. I was married to my Republican for 30 years. He used to say that he only voted to cancel mine. We have to stop playing it so safe, I hope it’s not too late. At least this debate was better than the previous ones.

  26. Ha! My husband and I have been joking for years that we need t-shirts that say “One of us is gonna die doing this.” I’m making them for our anniversary this year. It was a reference to a conversation/argument just like this, but it is strangely applicable to many social situations as well.

  27. My husband is always suggesting tor that it might be better if I didn’t add that one more detail after he says “okay, then….” Thank you, Jenny, for making my day!…

  28. You know you have a great marriage when you can argue about King Midas and his golden poop…..
    note: never read Jenny’s posts while eating or drinking anything, it’s not a good look to laugh while trying not to choke or erupt like a volcano!

  29. Your shitty king parable has me all worked up this morning. Maybe it just hits too close to home right now, I don’t know.

  30. ps—-Jenni, you’re blessed with the true Royal Touch, turning even the crappiest parts of life into solid gold that shines forever. Thank you for sharing these riches so generously with us.

  31. So I just want to know your Pokemon Go handle and become friends to play together except I just got sucked into the merge dragons game so I haven’t played Pokemon in a while, but it would be awesome to have you as a game friend. I am always the lappet faced culture genus torgos2 ( the 2 is extra because oddly someone else has torgos which I just find odd)

  32. I love how Victor thinks this is the weirdest fight you’ve had today. Not all week. Not all year. Just today.

  33. OMG Jenny! Thank you sooooo much. I’m forwarding this to all my friends who are also seething. I find myself wondering about Mitch McConnell’s and Susann Collin’s gold fillings. Even better than imaging which circle of hell they’ll end up in. Bless you and you’re wonderfully weird mind.

  34. Anyone ever think about what happened to the economy when the king in the Sleeping Beauty had all the spinning wheels in the land destroyed?

  35. I love that this is only the weirdest fight today… didn’t even make the weekly hall of fame!

  36. The other night (somewhere in the past 30 years), I was looking at tigers swimming on YouTube, and I realised that if a tiger ever ate me, I would taste like shit because I’m in ketosis and this made me feel fucking awful. How dare I taste bad for that hypothetical tiger? The shaaame! But then I also realised that that hypothetical tiger would then die because of the sheer amount of xylitol I consume, because apparently it’s extremely toxic to cats. I’m still devastated about all the dead hypothetical tigers I’ll be leaving in my wake. All of this really upset my hubsband for some reason and he asked me to stop talking about getting eaten by tigers. I pointed out that we live in South Africa. Sometimes I don’t understand that man…

  37. Just so you know, the people who theoretically had poop in their mouths from the fillings could be perfectly fine. Why? Because fecal transplanation is a real thing. This is the explanation from Johns Hopkins:
    Fecal Transplantation (Bacteriotherapy)

    Fecal transplantation (or bacteriotherapy) is the transfer of stool from a healthy donor into the gastrointestinal tract for the purpose of treating recurrent C. difficile colitis.

    Fecal Microbial Transplantation
    When antibiotics kill off too many “good” bacteria in the digestive tract, fecal transplants can help replenish bacterial balance.

    Other than the gross factor, it id a real medical treatment!

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