These are the conversations we’ll miss when one of us finally murders the other one.

Victor:  Stop playing Pokemon Go and talk to me.

me:  I bet when King Midas was still under that curse/blessing where everything that touched him turned to gold his servants probably fished his solid gold poop out of his chamber pot and were like “WE’RE RICH, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and then they quit their jobs to live off of the poop gold and then a couple days later when King Midas “learned his lesson” they woke up to see that their golden turd they were treasuring had turned back into literal shit.  I bet that was a really bad day.

Victor:  Never mind.  Go back to your phone.

me:  And they’d probably already melted some of the poop stash down to make necklaces for their wives.  Or earrings.

Victor:  I’m eating.

me:  Or…Jesus Christ…gold fillings for their teeth.

Victor:  Please stop.

me:  I’m just saying, they’re gonna get an infection and meanwhile the king is still rich and he got his daughter back and is totally fine.  I mean, the economy just tanked, the gold standard is trashed, people are unemployed and probably have cholera now that they’re smeared in his shit.  But thank God the rich guy learned a lesson and was happy to humbly go back to just being the fucking king.

Victor:  This is the weirdest fight we’ve had all day.

me:  Oh my God, I am seething.

90 replies. read them below or add one

  1. This is the best fight ever. Now I want to know about what happened after Midas ruined the gold standard for everyone… did it become the snake standard? That would be a horrible hassle.
    As for the cholera- I guess sparkly cholera is preferable to the regular type?

    Liked by 1 person

    knockingonfortysdoor recently posted Moments Dear and Not So.

  2. Now Im just thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. That is one hell of a case of constipation!!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I love your indirect answers to Victor’s questions! Your amazing Jenny!

    Like

    thehuntress915 recently posted Sarcastic Children and Their Misconceptions About……… Everything..

  4. OMG…writing a letter to congress right now.

    Like

  5. So long as no weapons are visible this sort of fighting is fun. Victor is the best.

    Like

    Gary recently posted Yummy but not much of it.

  6. Now Im just thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. That is one hell of a case of constipation!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. And now “trust the Midas touch” has taken on a whole new meaning! Barf!

    Like

  8. I love you two.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. LMAO! I treasure each and everyone of them that you have. It’s been a little over two years since I lost my husband to ALS/Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
    {hugs}
    Sandy May/Wynterose

    Like

  10. OMG! That just made my day. Thanks for the laugh, Jenny.

    Like

  11. Look- he opened the door and knew the risk.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I mean, you’re not wrong

    Liked by 1 person

  13. All hail the King liar! We swim in your Golden Lake of lies. 💩💩💩

    Like

  14. Lol😂😂😂

    Like

  15. These are the kinds of things I think about, too. Only I don’t have a husband to share it with. Coincidence?

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Arguments like that are what make your two such a great couple. And also what makes this such a great blog. Now if you’ll excuse me my cat is upset because I am spending too much time online.

    Liked by 1 person

    Juan recently posted The Monster in the Closet.

  17. mmmmm, an official who thinks his shit is gold…..but it really is just shit.
    Sounds like some politicians I can think of…..
    not meaning to be political, but this burns my cookies.

    Like

  18. Is it wrong that I’m wishing for a Booksgiving? It’s been one hell of a week!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. If I die tomorrow, I’m coming back as a pet that can live in your house and listen to you argue.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I have conversations like that with my daughter. My wife would never last as long as Victor in a conversation like that.

    Like

  21. Gives a whole new meaning to golden rain too. ( I’ll go away now )

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Luv it!

    Like

  23. I love you so much.

    Just last night I told my sweetie that he needed to “think of things that are more fantastical”. Sounds like Victor could use a little Fantastical Thinking as well!

    Like

  24. This reminds me so much of the “don’t get me started” types of conversations that I inevitability have with my son. All he has to do is bring up certain subjects, and off I go! It’s funny for a while, but he quickly regrets it!

    Like

  25. I’m so glad to know there are people out there like you that think about shit (literally) like this too.

    Like

    Arionis recently posted It’s Not A Bug, It’s A Feature.

  26. Bravo! Bravo!

    Like

  27. I wonder if he pisses golden necklaces. Hmmmmm?

    Like

  28. I want to have THESE conversations with you all day.

    Like

  29. To the untrained eye, it seemed that A) Victor wanted to talk to you and B) you two promptly had a conversation. I must’ve missed the fight…

    Like

  30. Victor: “I’m eating”
    🤣💩

    Like

  31. This seems very political. And a perfect analogy of everything. It’s all turned to shit.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I see what you did here. 🙂

    Like

  33. I LOVE you and Victor’s conversations! Priceless. Thanks for making my day.

    Like

  34. Bawhahaha that was the best! Because honestly I never thought about people stealing his poop and trying to sell it. Your conversation really make you think about things

    Like

  35. . . . is this cautionary tale why the people controlling two thirds of our government have apparently chosen to operate on the shit standard now?

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I always love the notifications that you’ve put up a new post, but the “fight” posts are the best. Long live Jenny and Victor, even if he is always wrong! 😂

    Like

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted A Very Boston Commercial.

  37. I love that he dubs it the weirdest fight all day. Not weirdest ever, or all year, or whatever, just for today, Not weirder than some fight in particular yesterday, nor necessarily weirder than one you may have tomorrow, only weird enough to take the cake for today so far. Says a lot about norms and expectations in your marriage.

    Liked by 3 people

  38. How do you like the new great league battle system? I’m getting my butt kicked on level 5.

    Like

  39. The Viking and I have silent arguments where one of us says something and as soon as the words left the mouth, we both know it shouldn’t have been said. So we blink at each other for a moment, silently assessing whether we really want to commit to a long, loud argument where one of us is going to have to apologize but we aren’t entirely sure who is actually going to be doing the apologizing (the causer or the causee) and then we slowly turn and walk away. Eventually, someone will call or a customer will turn up and distract us from the silent fight we’re grappling with. That’s Adulting like a fucking Boss. 😊

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted My Headlights Are On!.

  40. Passing the golden poops: Made me wonder if only the outside of him turned everything to gold. As long as food.. or whatever… was inside he was safe, but as it touched the outer bit of him ahem… gold poo. Because if everything in his stomach was solid gold I think he’d be dead.

    Like

  41. Thank you. I totally need that.

    Like

  42. I just read my comment and it sounded sarcastic. Stupid typing. What I mean is… I’m home with the flu, and I totally needed that laugh. Even though it made me cough.

    Like

  43. I’m laughing so hard the tears streaked my mascara 🤣🤣🤣

    Like

  44. I like how after, Midas becomes obsessed with the god Pan and tells Apollo that Pan plays better music than him. Apollo gives him donkey ears. He then hides them under a hat and the only person who knows about them is his barber. The barber couldn’t keep the secret and decided the best way to get it out of his system was the dig a hole and shout into it (as you do). Reeds then grow there and whisper ‘Midas has ass ears’

    Like

  45. This is why we love you, Jenny. 🙂

    Like

  46. You’re so friken weird Jenny Lawson and it makes my day

    Like

  47. 47
    shamelessshawna

    I’m pretty sure lately I’ve pooped a Diamond. I swear to Midas I’m that constipated. Oh tmi? I’m sorry I have so social skill or as my phone wants to say so “SoCal skills” 🙄🤦‍♀️ Dammit what if I tried to wear it and it turned back to shit? Thank god I didn’t try. 🤣😳

    Like

  48. 48
    ocularnervosa

    🤣

    Like

  49. Oh Jenny! I LOVE YOU! I’m a therapist and a couple, who are really children just left my office. They NEED to start having this kind of fight. ALL couples need to have this kind of fight! I’d be out of a job! YAY! Now I can face the next three couples!!!!

    Like

  50. 50
    Heather L Torrey

    Thank you, I needed that! 😆

    Like

  51. I would very much like to have a roundtable discussion with you, Victor, and other readers of your blog about how exactly the gold curse worked, in regards to poop and everything else.

    Like

  52. And that’s why nosepicking is called digging for gold.

    Liked by 1 person

  53. What a fabulous imagination you have my dear……..

    Like

  54. I thought he had to touch the stuff with his hands, so I started thinking, why would his butthole turn things to gold? Then I had to go look up exactly how he did the gold thing, and it mentioned anything that touched his lips also turns to gold. SO now I’m assuming anything that touches anywhere on his body would be gold, and therefore, the gold turd thing totally makes sense.

    Like

    Candy Keane | Geek Mamas recently posted How Do You Break Your Child of Your Own Bad Habit?.

  55. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these kinds of weird conversations with their SO. ROTFLMAO

    Like

    mommatrek recently posted Rapunzel sees through your bullshit.

  56. My CLP voted to nominate Sir Keir for leader tonight so I know exactly how weirdered out you feel.

    Like

  57. This post is filed under “random crap?” I see what you did there!

    Like

  58. I think I know how you feel Jenny, I do enjoy your stories and am excited to read your next book. I was married to my Republican for 30 years. He used to say that he only voted to cancel mine. We have to stop playing it so safe, I hope it’s not too late. At least this debate was better than the previous ones.

    Like

  59. Ha! My husband and I have been joking for years that we need t-shirts that say “One of us is gonna die doing this.” I’m making them for our anniversary this year. It was a reference to a conversation/argument just like this, but it is strangely applicable to many social situations as well.

    Like

  60. My husband is always suggesting tor that it might be better if I didn’t add that one more detail after he says “okay, then….” Thank you, Jenny, for making my day!…

    Like

  61. Oh Victor. Surely you know by now to be careful what you wish for.

    Like

  62. Ok, now I’m angry too. Screw that king, selfish bastard.

    Like

  63. This made me laugh so loud. I genuinely love you, Jenny 🙂

    Like

  64. 65
    Heather Feather

    You know you have a great marriage when you can argue about King Midas and his golden poop…..
    note: never read Jenny’s posts while eating or drinking anything, it’s not a good look to laugh while trying not to choke or erupt like a volcano!

    Like

  65. Omg hahaha! I feel bad for that guy…and I’m sure, like, king Midas didn’t even give a shit…🤣😂

    Like

    Chrissy Woj recently posted I don’t pack light.

  66. Well this changes that story COMPLETELY.

    Also, I would love to read a short story about one of those servants.

    Like

  67. 68
    Bill E Stevens

    Your shitty king parable has me all worked up this morning. Maybe it just hits too close to home right now, I don’t know.

    Like

  68. 69
    Bill E Stevens

    ps—-Jenni, you’re blessed with the true Royal Touch, turning even the crappiest parts of life into solid gold that shines forever. Thank you for sharing these riches so generously with us.

    Like

  69. So I just want to know your Pokemon Go handle and become friends to play together except I just got sucked into the merge dragons game so I haven’t played Pokemon in a while, but it would be awesome to have you as a game friend. I am always the lappet faced culture genus torgos2 ( the 2 is extra because oddly someone else has torgos which I just find odd)

    Like

  70. I so needed that laugh today. I will never stop reading your blog. Thank You!

    Like

  71. I love how Victor thinks this is the weirdest fight you’ve had today. Not all week. Not all year. Just today.

    Like

  72. I Hope you are feeling better and not just forcing your self to post for Us.

    Like

  73. This is literally a metaphor for the present time.

    Like

  74. Wonderful information, Now I am thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. I appreciate your dear, thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  75. Great post. I used this into my project.

    Liked by 1 person

  76. Great stuff, thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  77. LOL! You guys are hilarious! You should have your own sitcom. 🙂 I’m serious!

    Like

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Let’s hear it for Mike Hamp and Walk #2!.

  78. OMG Jenny! Thank you sooooo much. I’m forwarding this to all my friends who are also seething. I find myself wondering about Mitch McConnell’s and Susann Collin’s gold fillings. Even better than imaging which circle of hell they’ll end up in. Bless you and you’re wonderfully weird mind.

    Like

  79. Anyone ever think about what happened to the economy when the king in the Sleeping Beauty had all the spinning wheels in the land destroyed?

    Like

  80. I love that this is only the weirdest fight today… didn’t even make the weekly hall of fame!

    Like

  81. 82
    Alice C. Grimlove

    The other night (somewhere in the past 30 years), I was looking at tigers swimming on YouTube, and I realised that if a tiger ever ate me, I would taste like shit because I’m in ketosis and this made me feel fucking awful. How dare I taste bad for that hypothetical tiger? The shaaame! But then I also realised that that hypothetical tiger would then die because of the sheer amount of xylitol I consume, because apparently it’s extremely toxic to cats. I’m still devastated about all the dead hypothetical tigers I’ll be leaving in my wake. All of this really upset my hubsband for some reason and he asked me to stop talking about getting eaten by tigers. I pointed out that we live in South Africa. Sometimes I don’t understand that man…

    Like

  82. This is my relationship goal 🤣

    Like

  83. What other fights were in the running for weirdest fight of the day?

    Like

  84. 85
    My Entire Life

    What other fights were in the running for weirdest fight of the day?

    Like

  85. Did you just think of that or were you saving it for such a moment when you wanted to be left alone 🙂

    Like

  86. Oh, this is one hell of a convo!

    Like

    Emmanuel Chibuikem recently posted How To Buy A Used Rolex — The Ultimate Buying Guide.

  87. Just so you know, the people who theoretically had poop in their mouths from the fillings could be perfectly fine. Why? Because fecal transplanation is a real thing. This is the explanation from Johns Hopkins:
    Fecal Transplantation (Bacteriotherapy)

    Fecal transplantation (or bacteriotherapy) is the transfer of stool from a healthy donor into the gastrointestinal tract for the purpose of treating recurrent C. difficile colitis.

    Fecal Microbial Transplantation
    When antibiotics kill off too many “good” bacteria in the digestive tract, fecal transplants can help replenish bacterial balance.

    Other than the gross factor, it id a real medical treatment!

    Like

  88. Hi, You guys are hilarious! You should have your own sitcom.

    Like

  89. You need to give Victor an “unsubscribe” button so he can bail on these shit-hole conversations.

    Like

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