These are the conversations we’ll miss when one of us finally murders the other one.

Victor:  Stop playing Pokemon Go and talk to me.

me:  I bet when King Midas was still under that curse/blessing where everything that touched him turned to gold his servants probably fished his solid gold poop out of his chamber pot and were like “WE’RE RICH, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and then they quit their jobs to live off of the poop gold and then a couple days later when King Midas “learned his lesson” they woke up to see that their golden turd they were treasuring had turned back into literal shit.  I bet that was a really bad day.

Victor:  Never mind.  Go back to your phone.

me:  And they’d probably already melted some of the poop stash down to make necklaces for their wives.  Or earrings.

Victor:  I’m eating.

me:  Or…Jesus Christ…gold fillings for their teeth.

Victor:  Please stop.

me:  I’m just saying, they’re gonna get an infection and meanwhile the king is still rich and he got his daughter back and is totally fine.  I mean, the economy just tanked, the gold standard is trashed, people are unemployed and probably have cholera now that they’re smeared in his shit.  But thank God the rich guy learned a lesson and was happy to humbly go back to just being the fucking king.

Victor:  This is the weirdest fight we’ve had all day.

me:  Oh my God, I am seething.

95 replies. read them below or add one

  1. This is the best fight ever. Now I want to know about what happened after Midas ruined the gold standard for everyone… did it become the snake standard? That would be a horrible hassle.
    As for the cholera- I guess sparkly cholera is preferable to the regular type?

    knockingonfortysdoor recently posted Moments Dear and Not So.

  2. Now Im just thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. That is one hell of a case of constipation!!

  3. I love your indirect answers to Victor’s questions! Your amazing Jenny!

    thehuntress915 recently posted Sarcastic Children and Their Misconceptions About……… Everything..

  4. OMG…writing a letter to congress right now.

  5. So long as no weapons are visible this sort of fighting is fun. Victor is the best.

    Gary recently posted Yummy but not much of it.

  6. Now Im just thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. That is one hell of a case of constipation!!

  7. And now “trust the Midas touch” has taken on a whole new meaning! Barf!

  8. I love you two.

  9. LMAO! I treasure each and everyone of them that you have. It’s been a little over two years since I lost my husband to ALS/Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
    Sandy May/Wynterose

  10. OMG! That just made my day. Thanks for the laugh, Jenny.

  11. Look- he opened the door and knew the risk.

  12. I mean, you’re not wrong

  13. All hail the King liar! We swim in your Golden Lake of lies. 💩💩💩

  14. Lol😂😂😂

  15. These are the kinds of things I think about, too. Only I don’t have a husband to share it with. Coincidence?

  16. Arguments like that are what make your two such a great couple. And also what makes this such a great blog. Now if you’ll excuse me my cat is upset because I am spending too much time online.

    Juan recently posted The Monster in the Closet.

  17. mmmmm, an official who thinks his shit is gold…..but it really is just shit.
    Sounds like some politicians I can think of…..
    not meaning to be political, but this burns my cookies.

  18. Is it wrong that I’m wishing for a Booksgiving? It’s been one hell of a week!

  19. If I die tomorrow, I’m coming back as a pet that can live in your house and listen to you argue.

  20. I have conversations like that with my daughter. My wife would never last as long as Victor in a conversation like that.

  21. Gives a whole new meaning to golden rain too. ( I’ll go away now )

  22. Luv it!

  23. I love you so much.

    Just last night I told my sweetie that he needed to “think of things that are more fantastical”. Sounds like Victor could use a little Fantastical Thinking as well!

  24. This reminds me so much of the “don’t get me started” types of conversations that I inevitability have with my son. All he has to do is bring up certain subjects, and off I go! It’s funny for a while, but he quickly regrets it!

  25. I’m so glad to know there are people out there like you that think about shit (literally) like this too.

    Arionis recently posted It’s Not A Bug, It’s A Feature.

  26. Bravo! Bravo!

  27. I wonder if he pisses golden necklaces. Hmmmmm?

  28. I want to have THESE conversations with you all day.

  29. To the untrained eye, it seemed that A) Victor wanted to talk to you and B) you two promptly had a conversation. I must’ve missed the fight…

  30. Victor: “I’m eating”

  31. This seems very political. And a perfect analogy of everything. It’s all turned to shit.

  32. I see what you did here. 🙂

  33. I LOVE you and Victor’s conversations! Priceless. Thanks for making my day.

  34. Bawhahaha that was the best! Because honestly I never thought about people stealing his poop and trying to sell it. Your conversation really make you think about things

  35. . . . is this cautionary tale why the people controlling two thirds of our government have apparently chosen to operate on the shit standard now?

  36. I always love the notifications that you’ve put up a new post, but the “fight” posts are the best. Long live Jenny and Victor, even if he is always wrong! 😂

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted A Very Boston Commercial.

  37. I love that he dubs it the weirdest fight all day. Not weirdest ever, or all year, or whatever, just for today, Not weirder than some fight in particular yesterday, nor necessarily weirder than one you may have tomorrow, only weird enough to take the cake for today so far. Says a lot about norms and expectations in your marriage.

  38. How do you like the new great league battle system? I’m getting my butt kicked on level 5.

  39. The Viking and I have silent arguments where one of us says something and as soon as the words left the mouth, we both know it shouldn’t have been said. So we blink at each other for a moment, silently assessing whether we really want to commit to a long, loud argument where one of us is going to have to apologize but we aren’t entirely sure who is actually going to be doing the apologizing (the causer or the causee) and then we slowly turn and walk away. Eventually, someone will call or a customer will turn up and distract us from the silent fight we’re grappling with. That’s Adulting like a fucking Boss. 😊

    Mrs. Completely recently posted My Headlights Are On!.

  40. Passing the golden poops: Made me wonder if only the outside of him turned everything to gold. As long as food.. or whatever… was inside he was safe, but as it touched the outer bit of him ahem… gold poo. Because if everything in his stomach was solid gold I think he’d be dead.

  41. Thank you. I totally need that.

  42. I just read my comment and it sounded sarcastic. Stupid typing. What I mean is… I’m home with the flu, and I totally needed that laugh. Even though it made me cough.

  43. I’m laughing so hard the tears streaked my mascara 🤣🤣🤣

  44. I like how after, Midas becomes obsessed with the god Pan and tells Apollo that Pan plays better music than him. Apollo gives him donkey ears. He then hides them under a hat and the only person who knows about them is his barber. The barber couldn’t keep the secret and decided the best way to get it out of his system was the dig a hole and shout into it (as you do). Reeds then grow there and whisper ‘Midas has ass ears’

  45. This is why we love you, Jenny. 🙂

  46. You’re so friken weird Jenny Lawson and it makes my day

  47. 47

    I’m pretty sure lately I’ve pooped a Diamond. I swear to Midas I’m that constipated. Oh tmi? I’m sorry I have so social skill or as my phone wants to say so “SoCal skills” 🙄🤦‍♀️ Dammit what if I tried to wear it and it turned back to shit? Thank god I didn’t try. 🤣😳

  48. 48


  49. Oh Jenny! I LOVE YOU! I’m a therapist and a couple, who are really children just left my office. They NEED to start having this kind of fight. ALL couples need to have this kind of fight! I’d be out of a job! YAY! Now I can face the next three couples!!!!

  50. 50
    Heather L Torrey

    Thank you, I needed that! 😆

  51. I would very much like to have a roundtable discussion with you, Victor, and other readers of your blog about how exactly the gold curse worked, in regards to poop and everything else.

  52. And that’s why nosepicking is called digging for gold.

  53. What a fabulous imagination you have my dear……..

  54. I thought he had to touch the stuff with his hands, so I started thinking, why would his butthole turn things to gold? Then I had to go look up exactly how he did the gold thing, and it mentioned anything that touched his lips also turns to gold. SO now I’m assuming anything that touches anywhere on his body would be gold, and therefore, the gold turd thing totally makes sense.

    Candy Keane | Geek Mamas recently posted How Do You Break Your Child of Your Own Bad Habit?.

  55. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these kinds of weird conversations with their SO. ROTFLMAO

    mommatrek recently posted Rapunzel sees through your bullshit.

  56. My CLP voted to nominate Sir Keir for leader tonight so I know exactly how weirdered out you feel.

  57. This post is filed under “random crap?” I see what you did there!

  58. I think I know how you feel Jenny, I do enjoy your stories and am excited to read your next book. I was married to my Republican for 30 years. He used to say that he only voted to cancel mine. We have to stop playing it so safe, I hope it’s not too late. At least this debate was better than the previous ones.

  59. Ha! My husband and I have been joking for years that we need t-shirts that say “One of us is gonna die doing this.” I’m making them for our anniversary this year. It was a reference to a conversation/argument just like this, but it is strangely applicable to many social situations as well.

  60. My husband is always suggesting tor that it might be better if I didn’t add that one more detail after he says “okay, then….” Thank you, Jenny, for making my day!…

  61. Oh Victor. Surely you know by now to be careful what you wish for.

  62. Ok, now I’m angry too. Screw that king, selfish bastard.

  63. This made me laugh so loud. I genuinely love you, Jenny 🙂

  64. 65
    Heather Feather

    You know you have a great marriage when you can argue about King Midas and his golden poop…..
    note: never read Jenny’s posts while eating or drinking anything, it’s not a good look to laugh while trying not to choke or erupt like a volcano!

  65. Omg hahaha! I feel bad for that guy…and I’m sure, like, king Midas didn’t even give a shit…🤣😂

    Chrissy Woj recently posted I don’t pack light.

  66. Well this changes that story COMPLETELY.

    Also, I would love to read a short story about one of those servants.

  67. 68
    Bill E Stevens

    Your shitty king parable has me all worked up this morning. Maybe it just hits too close to home right now, I don’t know.

  68. 69
    Bill E Stevens

    ps—-Jenni, you’re blessed with the true Royal Touch, turning even the crappiest parts of life into solid gold that shines forever. Thank you for sharing these riches so generously with us.

  69. So I just want to know your Pokemon Go handle and become friends to play together except I just got sucked into the merge dragons game so I haven’t played Pokemon in a while, but it would be awesome to have you as a game friend. I am always the lappet faced culture genus torgos2 ( the 2 is extra because oddly someone else has torgos which I just find odd)

  70. I so needed that laugh today. I will never stop reading your blog. Thank You!

  71. I love how Victor thinks this is the weirdest fight you’ve had today. Not all week. Not all year. Just today.

  72. I Hope you are feeling better and not just forcing your self to post for Us.

  73. This is literally a metaphor for the present time.

  74. Wonderful information, Now I am thinking about if a human being could physically pass a solid gold poop. I appreciate your dear, thanks

  75. Great post. I used this into my project.

  76. Great stuff, thanks

  77. LOL! You guys are hilarious! You should have your own sitcom. 🙂 I’m serious!

    Lisa Orchard recently posted Let’s hear it for Mike Hamp and Walk #2!.

  78. OMG Jenny! Thank you sooooo much. I’m forwarding this to all my friends who are also seething. I find myself wondering about Mitch McConnell’s and Susann Collin’s gold fillings. Even better than imaging which circle of hell they’ll end up in. Bless you and you’re wonderfully weird mind.

  79. Anyone ever think about what happened to the economy when the king in the Sleeping Beauty had all the spinning wheels in the land destroyed?

  80. I love that this is only the weirdest fight today… didn’t even make the weekly hall of fame!

  81. The other night (somewhere in the past 30 years), I was looking at tigers swimming on YouTube, and I realised that if a tiger ever ate me, I would taste like shit because I’m in ketosis and this made me feel fucking awful. How dare I taste bad for that hypothetical tiger? The shaaame! But then I also realised that that hypothetical tiger would then die because of the sheer amount of xylitol I consume, because apparently it’s extremely toxic to cats. I’m still devastated about all the dead hypothetical tigers I’ll be leaving in my wake. All of this really upset my hubsband for some reason and he asked me to stop talking about getting eaten by tigers. I pointed out that we live in South Africa. Sometimes I don’t understand that man…

  82. This is my relationship goal 🤣

  83. What other fights were in the running for weirdest fight of the day?

  84. 85
    My Entire Life

    What other fights were in the running for weirdest fight of the day?

  85. Did you just think of that or were you saving it for such a moment when you wanted to be left alone 🙂

  86. Oh, this is one hell of a convo!

    Emmanuel Chibuikem recently posted How To Buy A Used Rolex — The Ultimate Buying Guide.

  87. Just so you know, the people who theoretically had poop in their mouths from the fillings could be perfectly fine. Why? Because fecal transplanation is a real thing. This is the explanation from Johns Hopkins:
    Fecal Transplantation (Bacteriotherapy)

    Fecal transplantation (or bacteriotherapy) is the transfer of stool from a healthy donor into the gastrointestinal tract for the purpose of treating recurrent C. difficile colitis.

    Fecal Microbial Transplantation
    When antibiotics kill off too many “good” bacteria in the digestive tract, fecal transplants can help replenish bacterial balance.

    Other than the gross factor, it id a real medical treatment!

  88. Hi, You guys are hilarious! You should have your own sitcom.

  89. You need to give Victor an “unsubscribe” button so he can bail on these shit-hole conversations.

  90. I have read this so many times! Love knowing others talk like we do at home. lol Love your humor!

    Midlife Margaritas recently posted People Watching in South Carolina.

  91. Graet post.

    dll file recently posted Get help with file explorer in windows 10.

  92. 1aaaaa'”(){}:/1aaaaa;9

  93. so funny.. LOL

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