This week we have roofers in to fix some damage and every time I go outside I’m certain a sharp piece of tin roof is going to fall off and guillotine me so today when Dorothy Barker had to go out to pee I ran out really quickly with her but she wouldn’t go so I was like, “Get busy. Get busy. Hey. Get busy” because when we trained her we also trained her to pee on command to those words but she wasn’t having it so I was like, “GET BUSY. COME ON. GET BUSY PLEASE” and then I noticed she was looking behind me and I turned around and the roof guys were having lunch in my yard and had been quietly staring at me as I’d lightly demanded, “GET BUSY” and I was like, “Oh, not y’all. Enjoy your lunch! Those are just the magic words that make the dog pee” and they just looked at each other and then nodded warily and even the dog was like, “Well, that was awkward” and then a few minutes later I had to pick up Hailey so I rushed quickly out to my car that was parked in front of the house but my purse strap got hooked on the side mirror and jerked me back crazy hard like a boomerang, which caused me to pour the giant big-gulp sized iced water I was carrying all over my own chest, and the roof guys pretended not to notice but I could totally tell they were trying not to laugh and this is exactly why I have to move and burn the house down.
Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.
ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:
I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:
Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.
Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.
Heather Mosko: Sharing the weird and crafty I find along the way as I research and write my next mystery.
The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”. Often irreverent, always honest.
Candid Kay: A heaping pile of steaming good.
Amateur Intellectuals: A podcast where two friends bring a thirst for knowledge (and alcohol, obviously) as they untangle cerebral topics. Join them as they challenge their minds (and livers, obviously).
Miss T’s No Bull Writing Workshops: Ridiculous, productive and powerful. Makes sure you read the HOT testimonials.
Hyperbole and a Half Solutions and Other Problems.
Talking Tatas: For the Love of Your Boobs.
Polly Morse Is My Human: Life as seen by Suki the Cat. Laugh until you cry.
No Pithy Phrase: Is my freak flag upside down again?
Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive, or those hoping to get into heaven.
Dissent Desserts: Chocolates for Badass Women!
Situation Normal: Funny slice-of-life stories. Readers compare him to Dave Barry, David Sedaris, and Larry David. Basically, everyone agrees that it’s “funny” and David-related.
The Sarcastic Mother: Keeping it real in South London.
Unlifestyled: Cooking, cocktails, coffee, kiddos, coloring and chaos.
The Corso Papers: Where Random Thoughts Go to Become Words.
David Thorne: So fucking awesome it hurts.