You guys are painfully lovely and it hurts my heart but in a wonderful way where there’s too much inside and it aches. Wow. This is a long title. I wonder if there’s a limit on how long a title can be? Hmm…Guess not.

Okay, first off, I did have some fun news this week but I have to postpone until next week but for a very good reason and I swear I’ll tell you next week.

Secondly, you know how earlier this week I wanted to give away four gift cards to Nowhere Bookshop so you could read lovely things? Well, I was just about to randomly pick winners and then I found out that random angels bought Nowhere gift cards and in the comments of the orders asked that we send them out anonymously on their behalf so looks like quite a few of you will be getting emails today with gift codes. I literally got teary when I saw it happening. You guys are magic and I love you.

Thirdly, is the word “thirdly” proper grammar? It looks weird but I still like it.

Fourthly, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it here but if you want to watch me have incredibly awkward conversations with authors I love you can go to the Nowhere youtube channel and watch videos of me drinking to much and taking off my hair (for real) while I speak to authors. You can watch the zoom meetings live and participate with the author if you’re in the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club but we try to post them later for all honorary members. Sadly, we lost a few of our favorite interviews because of technical problems with recording when we first started but I think we’ve figured out all the bugs now.

Me introducing Samantha Irby to Fleece Witherspoon

Fifthly, there’s this thing in my backyard that might be a monster. I don’t have a picture of it because it’s too fast but it looks like a squirrel but 25% bigger. It is light tan from nose to navel and black from tush to tail, like if a cat was ombre. It is mean as fuck and doesn’t give a shit about me as it runs up to the baseball sized unripe cantaloupe in my backyard, yanks them off the vine and then puts the cantaloupe in a makeshift pouch that is less marsupial pouch and more just a pocket made of excess belly skin. Like, at first, I thought it was humping the cantaloupes until I realized it was trying to it carry away using its tummy like bad pocket and also it does this WHILE GLARING AT ME, like. “FUCK YOU BITCH WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?” I don’t know what it is but I’m never going to get another cantaloupe out of my backyard because I suspect he’s humped all of them by now.

Sixthy, there is no sixthly.

90 thoughts on “You guys are painfully lovely and it hurts my heart but in a wonderful way where there’s too much inside and it aches. Wow. This is a long title. I wonder if there’s a limit on how long a title can be? Hmm…Guess not.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Welp, I guess it was just a matter of time before 2020 vomited forth a mutant cantaloupe thief…

  2. Jenny, you’re amazing. Just amazing. Sending so much love to you. This epileptic just finished her second 72 hour EEG in 6 months and, with burn marks on my scalp, it was just wonderful to read about your unidentified hostile monster creature in your backyard. Thank you. Stay safe and allow it to take whatever it wants (within reason)🖤

  3. Ummm…I think the thing in your yard is one of those oversized rats. I saw earlier on my FB feed about things everyone is jokingly saying are the R.O.U.S.’s from The Princess Bride, but they are oversized rats in Texas. You guys have all the fun.

  4. How uplifting that some of your tribe wished to spread the love to others. This kindness sends ripples throughout the universe.

  5. Cantaloupe humping giant squirrel-rat thieves…… I wouldn’t have enough whiskey available if that was in my yard. 😳🤪

  6. Your critter is possibly a muskrat or coypu. They both look like really big rats and don’t like people messing with them. If it has a big bushy tail it might be a martin, but according to wikipedia you are a little too far south for those guys. Who knows, though 2020 is wild, man.

  7. I really hope those giant scary rodents don’t come here. I have tourist and frankly they’re worse since they refuse to wear masks. I think everything you do is lovely, Jenny. New books are ALWAYS needed.

  8. People ARE lovely!!! And I legit snorted on my lovely cup o’ ice water with your cantaloupe thieving, garden humping, bad pocketing, mutant squirrel.

  9. I want to live in a world where you compare backyard creature notes with Lilith Saintcrow.

  10. I agree with the giant rats theory. These things, the length of your arm, are fruit eaters from Indonesia. Supposedly pretty harmless and mellow so maybe the mean look is just his natural expression?

  11. Usually rodents aren’t aggressive towards humans, so I would guess it’s some type of possum or weasel family. If the tail is naked it’s a possum or rat, but if it’s tail is fluffy it’s probably more a weasel or other related animal. Try to record a video or photo of it so we can see it?
    Thank you to all the fabulous people who donated Nowhere bookshop gift cards so Jenny can give them to people who need them. You are beautiful angels who give the world hope.

  12. Could it be a raccoon? I have several raccoons or various sizes that come up on my deck that steal cat food, fruit, bird seed, etc.

  13. “Dawn Y | August 14, 2020 at 12:46 pm 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I don’t even have words for how happy your posts make me”

    I am copy/pasting this post because I am to (take your pick) too: lazy/paranoid/private, to open an account and be identified by WordPress knowingly (they probably already know who I am along with numerous domestic and foreign governmental and non-governmental spy agencies and have satellites trained on my house at this very moment and every keystroke traced.) Paranoid is probably the word you should choose.!!!!!

    With my children and now grandchildren I suggested that any given car was following us and then proceeded to make up stories about their nefarious agenda . We had a ball.

    I would say any behavior that is not the status quo is interpreted as insanity, when, in fact, it might actually be enlightenment. Insanity is sorta in the eye of the beholder. Chuck Palahniuk

  14. Sounds like a nutria. Someone had the bright idea to import them, raise them for their fur. The nutria escaped, of course, and now they are inhabiting a lot of the south. They are herbivores so your cantelopes don’t stand a chance. Can’t wait to see your bookstore.

  15. Look, you have the BEST tribe, Jenny. 18 months later, and they’re STILL sending me get well wishes as I continue to fight cancer. There’s no doubt you have an amazing group. I also want to buy a gift card, so I’ll go check that post and do the same 🙂 XOXO love you all!

  16. UM. I NEED PHOTOS OF THIS MONSTER.
    Also… thank you for sharing that you’re interviewing authors on YouTube! I shall now go watch all of these.

  17. Your terrifying creature makes me feel glad my infestation is a lot cuter. We have a mommy raccoon with 3 babies. One of the babies stuck its butt in our security camera at 3am and I was up because we have insanely weird schedules in this house, so I got to watch the silly family for awhile.

    In other news of someone from a city in the top 10 cities to watch for covid (hint, it has nothing to do with our size and everything to do with the attitude/trumpers. We would move if it wasn’t for family here)… I am learning how to decoupage vases using napkins I got off amazon. We go out once every 2 weeks for groceries, cut my hours down to 3 days a month, and my husband is taking extra hours so he can work from home more often. Working in healthcare right now sucks, and I am feeling especially lonely and isolated and it is killing me watching my family mostly doing whatever the fuck they want. So thankful my husband and his parents are not like that. You remind me of the people we’re trying to protect instead of just ourselves so truly thank you because when everyone here is running around acting like things are normal and saying the virus is a political hoax, etc… it gets hard.

  18. Y’know, if you write the words, “Monster Repellent” on your hose and spray it with that, it just might work.

  19. Really want to see a photo of your backyard cantaloupe thief.
    But I am really sorry he or she is stealing all your cantaloupes.

  20. Not sure what the monster is, but I’m 99.9% sure it came from those Chinese seeds you planted.

  21. Well I found half-black squirrels (a melanistic mutation in gray squirrels) but the black is always at the front end. Pictures, please! I want to solve this mystery.

  22. “Supposedly pretty harmless and mellow so maybe the mean look is just his natural expression?”

    Resting rodent bitch face?

  23. Possibly a fox squirrel? We have them here in north central Florida. I farm and have never had them mess with my crops.

  24. Because of the pouch, I’d guess possum… and they can be mean, but then they can also straight up fall over and “play possum”, aka “play dead”. So from that synonymous comparison, possum = dead, so perhaps Death is humping and stealing your cantaloupes.
    Good to know.

  25. Today is trying to break me, but your post is like magic super-glue and it’s patching together some of the broken parts.

    No idea what your cantaloupe thief is, but you could get motion-activated outdoor cameras and find out. I have a few set up because of evil neighbors who don’t understand about not trespassing, but I also get to see all the cute animals that visit my backyard, which is awesome. Well, except for the time I got a video of a mountain lion hauling away my neighbors’ cat, which was less awesome and more traumatic.

    So excited for your happy news, whatever it is, and thank you for existing and being you.

  26. Nutria. We had one in our yard when I first moved to Texas. Our dog went outside at 3am and cornered it. They did a cartoon like tornado a couple times and we finally got her away from it. Then the next morning it was still there so we called animal control and they sent the sheriff out. He decided he needed ‘back up’ and went and got another guy. They finally shot it in our back yard! They are super mean and I had no idea what this beaver rat looking thing was.

  27. Oh, excuse me: Opossum, if I’m wanting to sound educated. But we always called ’em Possum.

  28. Only in Texas would you have a creature from hell like that. I live in NYC where our creatures from hell aren’t really all that special. Just simple rats and cockroaches.

  29. Is he eating the fruit from your Chinese seeds??? Maybe they are really bad and cause him to get mean and grow excessively large??? Hmmmm😅😅 Always enjoy your stories, make me smile.

  30. Samantha Irby and you in one place would cause the universe to collapse from too much awesome, so it had to be done online. Thank you for saving the world.

    If you do an interview with Allie Brosh for ‘Solutions and Other Problems’ I will probably explode, but in the nicest way possible, so please bring my demise over ASAP.

  31. We used to have woodchucks/groundhogs take our tomatoes just as they ripened. When we lived in the country we’d find our watermelons cracked open and completely scooped out but never saw what did it. Call your county extension agent and they can tell you what the possibilities are.

  32. I vote woodchuck for your monster. They can be very aggressive, despite being vegetarian. I’d say it’s putting on weight for winter, but in Texas? Maybe it’s just very peeved that the cantaloupe isn’t ripe yet. It is known that they adore cantaloupe.

  33. Giggling at title, though I feel like you’ve had longer blog-post titles at some point in the past. I think it’s wonderful and cute and sweet that you still get surprised when people go the extra mile during your giveaways, it’s such a wonderful part of this amazing tribe.
    The ‘fifthly’ cracked me up, why are you such a magnet for strange creatures? Dead or alive!

  34. Jenny, totally unfair you didn’t take a photo or video of the yard monster. Are you sure that Chinese seed you planted was a squash? Just a squash?

  35. Wait. Waitwaitwait wait! Wait. IT’S POSSIBLE TO USE EXTRA BELLY SKIN AS A POCKET?? Oh Girl. You find that beast and you MAKE him show us how. That’s a freaking GAME CHANGER.

    Go on. Git. Do it for The People*.

    *a/k/a “Me”

  36. We had to send one of our dogs to the rainbow bridge today. I’m totally raw. But when I saw your email pop up on my phone I knew that no matter what the content was that it would probably put a smile on my face. You did not let me down. Thank you. I hope your yard hog leaves you some melons.

  37. I’m with That Bitch (I LOVE being able to legit say this!!!) and am voting for a Ringtail. Nutria get a bad rap for the damage they cause, but frankly, beavers are even bigger rodents and everyone thinks they are cute. Guard your cantaloupes ladies!!!

  38. Cantaloupe Humper Is the new nickname I have given to orange-hued individual of ill-temper who …just sayin 😂😂

  39. I believe it is a possum they are a type marsupial rat and yes they are nasty sometimes use your water hose full blast or tell Victor he is the man of the house after all!! He has to be like fierce hunter and protect his family

  40. It’s definitely not a nutria. We had tons of those in West Texas so I know those freaky bastards. BUT! Didi, I think you might be right. I looked up “white-nosed coatimundi” and that actually looks a lot like it. WTF. I didn’t even know we had those in Texas until I looked them up. And they’re a threatened species in Texas so now I feel like I sort of *have* to keep letting it hump my melons.

    (Not a euphamism.)

  41. Hello Jenny! Jim Wright from Stonekettle mentioned you, I think last year? You bought a 6 ft. chicken or something & your Husby hated it. Then if I remember correct, You’d stick him in different windows. I believe you & your Bestie went on a mission to buy towels & instead you got the sculpture. I must ask…Did you name your garden monster yet? Maybe your peeps should? Me 1st…Bela Lagosi ( Remember Dracula). Lastly Jim Wright’s Wife pulled your stunt on him, And he loved it. TY dear Bloggess, you make us Covid captives giggle. Here’s a bellylaugh to you..Xx…R

  42. I suspect that that was a border collie that’s gotten loose and is humping your fruit, but since it’s cantaloupes, it can only be a melon collie, baby…

  43. Cantaloupe their with a belly pocket. Hm… i want off steroids and my upper belly went down . But my lower belly still wants to be great! Live its best life! So im going to see if i can store small bottles of chilled wine there. Good looking out chupracabra!!

  44. Angles are real? Seriously, that is so sweet of people that it brought tears to my eyes. That might be the nicest thing I have heard….since……March 11, 2020, when the stuff hit the fan.

  45. I was going to suggest a motion/heat sensitive water sprinkler to scare “it” away until I heard “coatimundi.” Would it be too mean to scare those? (I still think you should do that–it’s worked brilliantly to discourage hungry deer in my yard.)

    You have the best scary beasts. I’ve just got a four inch wolf spider living in my garage.

  46. Sounds like a badger or wolverine. But your description is the best!
    I am definitely going to need to sign up for this book club! For real! Also, thank you for sharing your light and dark times. XO

  47. Is this cantaloupe humping creature gonna make its way into your next book? Love to hear how things work out and if any other produce has been violated. Love your life and stories.

  48. Is this cantaloupe humping creature gonna make its way into your next book? Love to hear how things work out and if any other produce has been violated. Love your life and stories.

  49. Ooh, if it’s a coati, they are really cool. They look mean sometimes, but the ones at our zoo are actually super nice and even used for outreach classes. We always look for them while camping.

  50. I think it’s a nutria. Try to get a pic of it and post it. Or Google “Nutria” and see if it looks like.

  51. Jenny, we’ve been through this before. Did you have your glasses on? Was it dark outside?

  52. Squirrels (actual squirrels, no mystery there) are rudely picking my unripe pears, nibbling them a bit and then fumbling them, so that the ground under my pear tree is littered with nibbled green pears. So aggravating! At least eat the whole thing! I hope your creature thief enjoys the whole cantaloupe, and doesn’t waste it. 😉

  53. Its 2020, and the chupacabra has gone vegan, ya’ll. Chupacanta 4lyfe. It will only take an hour before someone on Twitter will end up will a horrible homemade tattoo of it. With giant melons.

  54. OMG, Nutria…….I had to howl laughing at all the comments, not only is your post fabulous but so are the comments. hahaha

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