You need a smile. And cocktail, probably. I can help with one of these things.

Okay, yesterday I told you about that weird thing in my backyard that is humping and stealing my cantelopes and a bunch of you were like, “NUTRIA!” and that’s a good answer but I know nutrias and that’s not one. But then someone else (Didi) was like, “Sounds like a white-nosed coatimundi” and I looked it up and I think that is totally what it is. Most of them are in South Texas though, which makes me think that maybe this is an escaped pet and now I can’t chase it off because it’s hungry and apparently they fucking love melons. So now I think I’m part owner of an outdoor coatimundi or some sort of mutant squirrel that’s just having me on so I keep growing cantaloupes solely for his humping pleasure.

In other news, I’m still relying on instagram to make me smile on hard days and maybe you are too so today I’m sharing a few of my favorite posts of the week:

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10/10 👏

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Follow @saltihoe for more!!

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And now….time for the weekly wrap-up:

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Dylan Brody, who I super love in real life. Dylan wrote a book called Relatively Painless and I don’t have to describe it to you because I already blurbed it: “My only complaint is that I wanted more, which is a good complaint to have. It made me laugh and cry and then laugh again and then pee and then cry. Lots of fluids lost. But in a good way. A book to make you appreciate the tragically funny and beautiful horror of family.” Then the book was sold, then the publisher went out of business and it came back and then it got picked up and promised to a lot of people, but then there was a thing and a slowdown and a pandemic and some civil unrest in the city where the press was which meant that now the book won’t be out until December 1st and the publisher feels a bit bad about that, so if you pre-order Relatively Painless right here now, you’ll get a PDF of the whole thing now and then a signed one when it’s ready.  Plus, you can tell the publisher what you want Dylan to write in the book before they send it and he might write what you request. For real, you should read it. Click here. y’all.

43 thoughts on “You need a smile. And cocktail, probably. I can help with one of these things.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I needed this laugh today. Thank you, Jenny. You are the awesome sauce we need in life right now. <3

  2. Just get a trail cam for your yard. You can get them really cheap at the end of hunting season, but if you want a good one go for one of the top line Bushnells. It’s entertainment you really don’t expect to get.

  3. Anything that makes me laugh out loud these days is priceless.
    Those videos (especially the chicken-stealing cat) made me laugh….thank you!!

    Reminded me of the time I had just put a steak on my plate when the doorbell rang. It was only 2 minutes that I was back in the kitchen but the whole steak was GONE. Nowhere to be seen. I finally found it perched on top (too big to get it in) my clever cat’s bowl. Guess he figured as long as it was in (or on) his bowl, I couldn’t claim it back.
    (yes, I shared some with him)

    As always, thanks so much for being here, Jenny. I am turning a lot of people these days on to your books, and they are getting read and appreciated. We need to keep laughing to survive and you help a lot of people do that. ♥♥♥

  4. I had to watch the happy boxer at the dog show three times and then forward it to my sons. So funny!! I’m not good at finding funny stuff on Twitter so I really appreciate you posting these. Laughs are good. Always!

  5. thank you, i needed these. especially love the excited dog who needed to get some extra running out of the way before he sat. and the ‘no mask no seat’ guy.

  6. CALIFORNIA:
    1. Scorching heatwave; check.
    2. West Nile Virus; check.
    3. Murder hornets; check.
    4. Fires; check.
    5. COVID-19; check.
    6. White nosed coatimundi … we have finally been spared that element of the apocalypse!

    P.S. Our neighbor baked cookies on the dashboard of his car yesterday.

  7. I do LOVE that dog in the obedience ring. I spent many years showing in obedience,and I am thrilled to bits that he did sit eventually because it means that, even with all of his enthusiasm, he passed the exercise.

    The baby video slayed me. Because let’s be real. Newborns are weird looking.

  8. Kudos to the subway guy! He must be a dancer. What an original and amazing spatial distancing technique!

  9. Kudos to the subway guy! What an original and amazing technique for spatial distancing from non-maskers (aka selfish idiots). He must be a dancer.

  10. I can so see you posting a video of you feeding a murder of monsters ( what ever the term is for a group of white nosed coatamundi) Mellon on the back porch as the little guys go humping away.

  11. You should invest in a night vision capable action activated camera for your garden. Who knows what marvelous things you might discover enjoying your backyard. Hours of entertainment.

  12. Subway guy KILLED ME. I feel that energy, having spent 20 years riding the NYC subway. And the guy he denied seemed too impressed to start anything. Awesome!

  13. What the heck with the crazy creatures, Texas?! Nutria? Coatimundi? ARMADILLOS? And y’all think California’s weird?

  14. Rachel Unger: THANK YOU for Goth Disco! I haven’t laughed so hard that my stomach muscles hurt in years…Goth emo teen(bats) dressed in black, avoiding eye contact except to glare at the camera, making weird random little dance moves to the creepy music *gasping*

  15. An article I read described them as “turbo-powered raccoonish monkey-dogs.” That totally sounds like something you’d say. LOL

  16. love when you post these hilarious random finds; I do not have the same finders radar, and always appreciate the belly laughs when you post!

  17. Thank you! I desperately need this! I have been laughing like a mad woman watching these over and over.

  18. In a previous post you asked for suggestions of exercise videos. During grad school and right after, I used to do dance exercise videos every day before I switched to running (now walking) outside. This spring when I tried to go back to exercise videos (even the ones I loved doing previously), I realized I was so stressed out about everything else in the world that my brain was already overwhelmed and adding in trying to follow and remember the steps caused the exercise videos to become something just too frustrating to do. Then a friend mentioned 28 by Sam Wood. It’s a subscription exercise and diet website and app by an Australian. I don’t pay attention to the diet part but the exercises are GREAT. He picks 7 exercises every day and you do them for a certain number of seconds (20/30/40/etc) followed by a rest and then repeat the whole thing 4 times so you can do everything in 28 minutes plus a short warm up and post stretch (so maybe 35 min total). The exercises aren’t complicated which means my brain doesn’t have a meltdown trying to follow them. The exact cost depends on exchange rates but last month, a 3 month subscription cost about US$100. There are example videos on YouTube if you want to check it ought. Apologizes for sounding like an ad but this program is the only exercise I’ve been able to mentally handle since March this year and if you’re getting frustrated by the dance videos, I highly recommend it.

  19. I grow blueberries and strawberries just so the squirrels can eat them. It’s super cute watching them hold the strawberries and munch on them.

  20. The dog in the first video is just a good ‘boi'(girl?) with too much energy. Thank you for the laughs.

  21. OMG I thought the first picture of the Quokka was what was humping your melons! Pretty cute though, I’d share my melons with it.

  22. This cheered me up when I really needed it. Thank you, Jenny! In particular, I loved the tiny ice cream cone for the tiny dog. So sweet. So adorable.

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