I wonder if the people on the alternate timeline I fell off are doing better than I am.

in Random Crap

A few days ago Victor was watching How To with John Wilson and this guy started talking about how Stouffer’s Stove Top Stuffing never existed even though he remembered it existing and Victor and I both laughed at him because CLEARLY Stouffer’s Stove Top Stuffing existed because we’d seen a million commercials for it when we were kids but then we looked it and IT NEVER EXISTED.

I mean, Stove Top Stuffing existed but apparently it was always made by Kraft and Stouffer’s never made it. I mentioned on twitter that I have fallen into a parallel timeline where Stouffer’s Stove Top Stuffing never existed and about half of the people were like, “Wtf. It totally did. What is my life?” and a quarter were like, “No, it existed” and sent me a photoshopped image of Stouffer’s Stove Top Stuffing used to illustrate how a ton of us all remember something that never existed and a quarter were like, “Ah, the Mandela Effect. Do you also insist that they were always the Bearnstein Bears rather than the Bearenstain Bears?” AND YES BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT ALWAYS WAS.

But apparently not. (No seriously, look it up.)

So then Victor found a whole list of Mandela Effect examples (a phenomenon where a shitload of people all believe an event occurred which didn’t) and Victor refused to believe that C3PO had a silver leg and I screamed “WITCHCRAFT” when it was pointed out that the Wicked Queen never said “Mirror, mirror on the wall” and then I had to leave the house to clear my head and when I came back Victor was like, “Remember that cartoon on Captain Kangaroo? (Sings) Well you know my name is...”

And I sang, “-Simon, and the things I draw come true” because that song has been stuck in my head for decades and he was like, “Nope. Edmund. Not Simon. It’s always been Edmund.”

And I was like, “THE HELL YOU SAY” and then I decided that nothing in the world can be trusted again and that all of this is a sign that whatever coma I’ve been in is wearing off. So I whisper-sang it to myself…”Well you know my name is…Edmund?” and frowned in shocked disgust and then Victor was like, “Nah, I’m just fucking with you. It’s Simon. It’s always been Simon” and that’s why I’m filing for divorce.

Edited to add:

Y’all. I give up.

170 thoughts on “I wonder if the people on the alternate timeline I fell off are doing better than I am.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Snl had a kid named Simon who sat in a bathtub and sang “well you know my name is Simon and I love to do drawings…” He was played by Mike Myers

  7. The Simon song came from SNL. It was a Mike Myers character.
    YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!

  8. Smokey THE Bear was real, Jenny. they changed it like a decade or two ago to Smokey Bear. Don’t let that one screw with your head.

  11. Are you confused with the SNL character who used to sing “hello my name is Simon and I like to do drawings”? Or perhaps I’m making this up? I will now question everything I ever thought existed.

  14. Well, I guess I need to ask my brother because (yes, no foolin’), he was a kid that got to go on the Captain Kangaroo show…(I was too little or not born, so I surely don’t know any of the songs). Loved this post. Don’t divorce Victor…(I just felt like I should say that on his behalf).

  15. Welcome to the wonderful world of „shit psychologists and skeptics (the real ones) have known for decades and been trying to tell people about“.

    Seriously, this is just one example of how bad our memory really is. Psychologists love stuff like that because you can learn so much about the brain when it doesn’t work properly. For the rest of us it’s just creepy.

  16. But… but I saw Star Wars 13 times in the theater when it came out. How did I not notice C3PO had a fucking silver leg?? Pass the tinfoil, I gotta make a hat.

  17. I think the internet uses blow your mind too often sometimes but the Mandela Effect is usually what actually does blow my mind. Seriously, it has to be some kind of evidence of alternative converging timelines and things that people smarter than me can work out the science of!

  18. Just for today, Victor is my hero. I’ll return to my usual reality tomorrow.

  19. And supposedly the movie “Shazaam” with Sinbad never existed…but people swear they remember where they saw it, renting it, employees at video stores remember copies of it…WTF.

  22. I think the name Simon came from an old SNL skit… where someone acted as a little boy named Simon who did drawer-ings and showed them to people from his bathtub.

  23. Filing for divorce is not enough punishment for that.

    But I could not have told you who made Stove Top stuffing, except that it wasn’t Stouffer’s. I do miss those frozen chicken and mushroom crepes Stouffer’s used to make though.

  24. The only Mandela Effect that really bothers me is, well, the one about Nelson Mandela. I clearly remember watching his funeral procession after he died in prison, except apparently that never happened. I’m good with the rest, but Mandela…

  25. I’m with you on the stuffing, I’m pretty sure I remember it existing, I also say hello clarice a lot

  30. I must also be from the Stouffers timeline. I hope this timeline’s Tater is happy over there. It must also be the Hello Clarice timeline because I say it all the time

  32. It should be easier to get a divorce because there are SO many times I want to divorce my husband, then revoke it, then divorce him again because he’ll do something else to deserve it. Maybe we need temporary divorces that we can initiate and cancel at will with little coupons from booklets. Do you think Nowhere might carry those?

    But the denial of erased facts — hell, yes, it was the BerenSTAIN Bears — gives me temporal motion sickness. This is why we all need a TARDIS.

  34. I don’t know what’s wrong with the people here. I’m with you on all of these. I no longer trust anything. I know as a fact I fed that Stove Top stuffing to my kid when he was super hound because he loved it & it was easy. I want off this timeline please. I’m not a fan of it.

  36. My one is apparently a uniquely NZ one… I distinctly remember that at the end of Big, she chooses to become young with him… apparently this never happened, but all the people who remember it are from NZ (and a couple from Australia too)…

  37. To all the people commenting that Simon originated on SNL with Mike Myers, it didn’t! It was a British children’s show in the 1970s that appeared in the mid-1970s in America on Captain Kangaroo. Here’s a YouTube link:

    https://youtu.be/_98nEjz2zjM

  38. Reminder: Victor is always right, as I reassured him at the Furiously Happy signing a few years back.

  39. The only reason I know it was Berenstain is because I worked at a Waldenbooks back in the early 90s and could never find the listings when I went to check our stock levels in the computer. So I finally had to find a copy of one of them on the shelf so I could actually look the things up. But prior to that, I was absolutely convinced it was Bearenstein because why wouldn’t it be?

  40. I remember both the (chalk?) cartoon Simon and the SNL version. Divorce is too light a punishment for Victor. Stay married and spend all that saved divorce proceedings time thinking of all the ways you can screw with his realities. 🙂

  41. You know, this post comes at a very odd time, while I’ve been contemplating people who believe in Jewish Space Lasers and people swapping faces, and alternate “facts.” And I had recently come to the conclusion that the only rational explanation (and sure, rational is perhaps subjective) is that in the future, we have figured out time travel and somebody came back in time trying to “fix” something, and now we’re all totally living in an alternative universe.

  42. “What the goddamn fuck.” killed me. Ha!
    PS – When I learned that a movie called Shazam! starting Sinbad never existed, I needed therapy.

  43. Memory is subjective, and each person who witnessed an event will remember it differently based on the angle they saw it from, their feelings about what happened, the events that happened directly before and after, and and who they are as person and the experiences and events that shaped their point of view.
    Plato’s allegory of the cave is a good example of how our viewpoint of experiences shapes our perception of reality. Another good example is the Yanney versus Laurel sound perception or the gold/white versus black/blue dress color perception differences.
    You’ve got to love the human mind, it’s so creative and flexible and unique to every one of us.

  44. I just tossed out this question to my significant other: “Hey, who makes Stovetop Stuffing?” And she totally said “Stouffers”

  47. Honestly, Stove Top always seemed like its own brand (neither Stouffer’s or Kraft), but our memories are predictably unreliable, so I had to look. It was originally General Foods. It didn’t have the Kraft label on the box, like it does now. (For the record, Stouffer’s was bought out by Nestle.)

    So now I’m down an Internet rabbit hole, looking at the history of General Foods:

    https://americanbusinesshistory.org/forgotten-giant-general-foods/

    and the obituary of the lady who created the stuffing in the first place:

    https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/obituaries/obituary-general-foods-home-economist-helped-create-stove-top-stuffing/

    And somehow, I thought you would appreciate that. <3

  48. Heather Feather, my cousin the shrink says that when there are two memories of an event, both are true.
    I say whatever happened is true and both memories are a lie! But she has a PHD and I don’t.

  49. I call it “imprinting,” much like what baby ducks do.

    Our memories are created much like sticking fingers in clay, and they can harden into something that’s difficult to change.

    I learned this drilling my son on Spanish words (at his request, it wasn’t like I jumped out of my office with a Spanish dictionary and said, “Hola! Now you will learn deez werds!”)

    When I fed him an English word, and he mispronounced it, I would of course correct it. But when I fed him the word the next time around, he got it just as wrong.

    After awhile, he would say the wrong word, then struggle to say the right word. It took several repetitions before he would move to the right word the first time, but there was still some hesitation.

    Same thing with the Mandela Effect. If you’re sure of something (like Berenstein), you will remember it that way. You may even resent being corrected, because OF COURSE YOU REMEMBER IT RIGHT.

    Think about that the next time the media tries so hard to tell you how you should feel about a story. That’s imprinting.

  50. I have a very clear memory of Friends ending slightly differently than it actually did. They were at the house with the babies and everyone was there and then Monica found out she was pregnant. Apparently that never happened.

  53. I got your back on Simon! There definitely was one. But it’s not from Captain Kangaroo.
    When Nickelodeon first began, it ran a show called “Pinwheel.” That was basically its only show. There was a black/white cartoon segment of a little boy in a bathtub named Simon who drew things that came true, usually during his bath. Pretty sure he was British. Mike Myers ripped that off for his SNL skit. And it seems like all of that was ripped off from the Captain Kangaroo thing that Victor found. Parallel universe thwarted!

    (Nah, it was definitely Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings from Captain Kangaroo. I watched it at home as a kid and we never had Nickelodeon at my house. But I do remember watching Pinwheel when I was older when I’d visit my granny and the theme song is still stuck in my head. ~ Jenny)

  55. 100% should not have read this while on edibles. It was a roller coaster and now I have to move and change my name.

  57. #8 It’s always been Smokey Bear. When someone wrote a song about him the word “the” was added for some reason. I live in the town where Smokey is buried and there us a museum about him here.

  58. Simon did not originate on SNL! The Mike Myers skit was a spoof of the original Simon song/cartoon.

    (Are we just really old that we remember the original Simon? I’m feeling really old. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  59. I. Am. So. Shook.

    I also probably should not have been high when I read this because now I need to lay down and contemplate how much of life I’m misremembering.

  61. I cannot deal if this is means that 2021 IS GOING TO BE LIKE 2020!!!!! DDDDDDD:

  63. There is a movie called Kazzam (or something close to that spelling) starring Magic Johnson as a genie. Close to Shazzam?

  68. I’m still trying to get over a clear memory of an ending of The Wizard of Oz where after Dorothy woke up and talked to everyone she found the ruby slippers tucked under the edge of her bed.

    My mother corrected me about 60 years ago but it’s still clear in my memory. I decided that if that isn’t how it ended then that’s the way it should have ended!

  71. Now I’m questioning all the traumatic events from my childhood. Did they really happen that way or do I just think they did? Now I have to talk to my therapist about this. Shit.

  74. We have obviously been imbibing too many glasses of our own creations! Also this: I agree with you completely.

  77. I remember Berenstein Bears, not Berenstain.

    I don’t recall Threepio having a silver leg, though watching it on Disney+, I see the silver leg.

    I remember Nelson Mandela passing away in prison… and later the announcements of his release (which is SO hard to grok together, man).

    I remember Stouffer’s Stove Top Stuffing, but the box in my cupboard clearly says Kraft.

    I swear the timelines merged at some point somewhere along the way and all the weirdness we’re living through right now are the result of this event… Oi.

  79. The one that trips me out is that caranuba wax is now “carnauba” wax on every single ingredient list on everything that exists. No idea when it changed.

  81. My baloney has a first name , it’s o-s-c-a-r. My baloney has a second name it’s M-a-y-e-r. I love to eat it everyday, and if you ask me why I’ll saaay, cause Oscar mayer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.

  82. I was so upset for a moment there. I was singing it over and over in my head… going no… it has to be Simon… if it’s not… where did I get it from??! That is really not cool Victor!! P.s. I’m pretty sure I divorced someone over less. But. Good luck getting someone else to tolerate all of the taxidermied animals . Lol. I’d keep him at this point! Haha

  83. I have this theory that weasel that got into the large hadron collider project put us here in 2016. It was shortly after that when things got weird.

    It was always Berenstein bears. And it was always Simon.

  84. Trying to say Stouffers stove top stuffing multiple times very fast is making my head hurt… !

  86. I blame that kid in that crazy car with the old professor looking guy that was running around a few years back.

  87. Hey I’m already having issues today because I learned that in different countries big bird is different colors. Like one country he’s blue one his orange and one he’s green with a watermelon color face. Now your telling me there was never stofers stove top stuffing and the bears names aren’t what I thought they were. Am I in a coma tripping or did I die and am in some kind of hell that I don’t know about. At least if I am this section of hell has cats so that’s a plus

  89. ” Alas poor Yorick I knew him well.” Actually that quote from Shakespeare should be: ” Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him Horatio.”

    (This is another one that always fucks me up. ~ Jenny)

  90. Perhaps related…

    I was thinking, after reading this post, that never in my childhood or teen years do I recall knowing that manatees existed. I don’t know if it was the result of a crappy educational system or that I have no recall of being told about them, but suddenly in my late 20s, manatees were a thing.

    I mean, I am certain that manatees have been around for eons, but I don’t recall hearing about them until my late 20s. Did my parents know about them and just intuit that I totally would have run away from life on The Frozen Tundra to go commune with the manatees?

    I don’t honestly don’t recall thinking about who made Stove Top Stuffing… but my gramma always put artichoke hearts in it so no matter who manufactured it, it was made with love by Gramma.

  91. The one that’s messing me all up is that Hal Holbrook, best known for his portrayal of Mark Twain, only JUST passed away in the last few weeks; I SWEAR he passed a few years ago, but then I try to remember when, and I’m like… oh, wait. Same with Tommy LaSorda last year, I SWEAR he had passed like 5 or 6 years ago. I’m known for being a celebrity death hag, so these things stick in my mind, and it messes me up to mess it up.

    Here’s another one: When the hell did the ENTIRE WORLD decide to use the words “gifted” and “gifting” INSTEAD OF “given” and “giving”? I woke up one day like three years ago and EVERYONE who spoke English was saying/writing it. At first I thought it was just The Kids These Days, but all ages seem to use it, all the time. Being raised by/around Native folk, I grew up used to hearing them say it; “I’m gifting her a new jacket” or “I gifted her my old boots”. “Grandfather gifted me an eagle feather” would be used more in a sense of being honored to receive it, but yeah… only Indians. WHEN THE ACTUAL FUCK?

    Your Pal,

    Storm the Klingon

  92. Also, there was never any other Highlander movie after the first one.

    NEVER!

    :handwaved:

  93. I never knew there was a name for this condition. I was 55 years old before I found out that “dilemma” was NOT spelled “dilemna”. I even used to pronounce the “n” when I wanted to be particularly emphatic. I’m still traumatized by this.

  94. I have had similar experiences. Once I drove 5 hours on a road trip. When I got to me destination I thought I lost my sun glasses. I swore I drove the whole way with them on my face. A few days later I got home and found the glasses on the mantle.

  96. There’s a movie on netflix about this called The Mandela Effect. It’s a fictional movie, but it uses all these real world examples. It made my head hurt, haha. So of course then I had to look it up and see if it was a real thing and ended up down the rabbit hole. Shortly after, by weird coincidence, I was listening to And That’s Why We Drink episode mentioned above, it’s a good one too.

  97. As usual, you’re hilarious. It’s bad enough as you get older and have false memories about where something is or what you were about to do, but this is a whole new thing for me to worry about now. It reminds me of that episode on Xfiles a few years ago (their very last season). If you haven’t watched it you need to. I also want to thank you. I was stuck on a short story issue and your post has inspired me. Then again, what if they just want to make us think it’s the Mandela effect and it actually is a government conspiracy to cover up a crack in alternate worlds that leaked over into this one, lol. So glad that this is the Jenny that lives in my same reality.

  98. WHY?!?! Why did it take until I was 45 years old to learn that C3PO had a silver leg. I had to google images. WTH?!>?!

  99. Maybe your marriage never existed so, now you don’t need to divorce Victor! You should really find out why he is living in your house with his daughter, though.

    (Ha! ~ Jenny)

  100. This is why eyewitnesses are the worst! The brain is a very special poorly functioning machine!

  104. Yes, he was Smokey the Bear. There was a jingle using that name in the forest fire PSAs that aired in the ’60s and ’70s. And OK, I thought Hal Holbrook died years ago. But tell me this: Why do I have clear memories of listening to Raspberry Beret in 1968 or 1969? Another alternate universe or my personal Mandela effect?

  105. I am also one of the people from the alternate universe where Shazaam was a movie. And no it definitely wasn’t the one with Magic Johnson. It was Sinbad. I also remember my own childhood things differently than the rest of my family so I think they are not from the same timeline. Also, wouldn’t you say this explains dragons and unicorns being a thing in multiple cultures but now missing from our world? Stop messing around ya jerk time travellers!

  108. Mike Myers had a character on SNL who sang a song that went, “You know my name is Simon, and I like to do draw-ring” so I bet that’s why the Captain Kangaroo thing is confusing.

  109. ok, i have a question for you all. if you watched ally mcbeal way back when it was on tv… when billy falls down in the courtroom, and ally runs to him, he is about to die, and he says to her, it was you, it was always you… does anyone remember this? am i the only one? because i re-watched it and he doesn’t say that at all, but i so clearly remember it! memory is a weird thing…

  110. This is making me think of the 2 versions of Goonies. One with the Octopus scene and the one without…that was a mind fuck before the internet. We divided entire classrooms over whether or not it existed. Friendships were lost. Families divided. I stood my ground and thank god for youtube because that scene does exist. https://youtu.be/2x_GjyzUcTI
    Take that Aunt Karen!

  111. Wait. The Wizard of Oz one. Does she not see the ruby slippers peeking out from under her bed when she wakes up back in Kansas? I feel like I remember that too.

  112. Okay, I did a quick internet search and found an uncited source that said the end of the Wizard of Oz was shown that way at least once but then was changed because having the ruby slippers survive was incongruent to further sequels. So maybe the Mandela Effect, or maybe not.

  113. I call bullshit on the Berentein bears. Somewhere in 1978, there is a 5 year old girl reading the Berenstein Bears in the children’s section of the library.

  114. DAMN. STFU. Mind blown. I had to look it up and still don’t believe it.

  115. OMG – THIS is what my friend and I were just talking about the other day! We both swore that there was something about Mars in Toto’s song ‘Africa’! I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he thought the same thing… 👽🙀

  116. I can explain the Stouffer’s Stovetop Stuffing one! The Stouffer brand’s dominant red color and script font are very similar to the Stovetop Stuffing box’s color and font. So our brains just sort of combine them very naturally. It’s very tricksy how these misplaced multiverses work, mashing up the similarities for us.

  120. Raise your hand if you thought you’d heard that subliminal messaging was banned. Welp, no it’s not. I could have sworn that it was until I read an obscure little book about the subject ( worked in a library and happened to come across the book).Very eye opening book. Really kinda creepy. I’m sure it’s out of print by now.
    Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe this explains at least some of the Mandelas.

  122. 2 things:
    1. There was no silver leg.
    2. I’m glad I’m not the only one who wonders if they are in a coma! I was in a car wreck 3 years ago and I’m still wondering. I’m hoping I wake up soon and 2020 and Covid and Donald Trump being president was all just a bad bad dream! Wouldn’t that be wonderful??

  123. I’m not saying that Simon wasn’t on Captain Kangaroo or it’s own show, but I definitely saw him on Pinwheel in the 80s. Captain Kangaroo gave me THE CREEPS along with The Letter People so I steered clear. Oddly though, I loved watching Bozo the Clown every week.

  124. Ok I just freaked the fuck out when you said it wasn’t Simon. You’re funny as shit but that. That wasn’t funny.

  125. Whoever heard of Kraft Stovetop Stuffing??? NOBODY because it was definitely Stouffer’s Stovetop Stuffing. I refuse to believe otherwise. It’s some kind of plot to drive us all crazy.

  126. Yes. Berenstein is absolutely how I remember it.
    I also clearly remember the movie poster for the Sinbad movie Shazaam which also apparently never existed. Glitches in the matrix.

  127. People always tell me that I have a great memory. You just proved them right. I’d forgotten.

  128. I’m a big fan of old movies and two of my favorite things like this come from classic movies. First, there is the scene from “Seven Year Itch,” where Marilyn stands over the subway grate and this typhoon gust of wind blows her dress way up as she smiles while trying to hold it down. One of the most famous scenes from any movie and it isn’t in the movie. There is a subway grate scene but it basically just blows the bottom of her dress a little bit. The image of Marilyn like everyone remembers from the movie was used for pictures and adds. Second, is the most famous line from any movie ever: “Play it again, Sam,” which Humphrey Bogart doesn’t say in Casablanca. But then again he doesn’t say a lot of things in that movie so who knows why this is the line he doesn’t say that is most remembered.

  129. This is making me question everything I know! There is no way that Curious George didn’t have a tail. Lies! 🤣
    I’m relieved that it was in fact Simon, though!

  130. It was definitely Stouffer’s Stovetop Stuffing. I even remember a special long ago about commercials that changed everything… I think it was early 90s… Point being, that commercial was in the special and it talked about how it took hours of cooking down to 30 minutes and freed up so much time for women back in the 60s or 70s

  131. I just spent 20 minutes google image searching C3PO and I still don’t believe that silver leg bullshit. NEVER HAPPENED.

    It blows my mind that people think Mandela died in jail, though. He, like, went on to be President!

  134. I am late to this post but have to chime in. I vividly remember Mandela’s death in prison in the 80s and watching news reports showing masses of people in the streets grieving. It was shocking at the time and even more shocking years later when I heard he was released from prison. WT?!? This is absolutely not a false memory.. Is the universe gaslighting some of us or did I somehow shift over to what is clearly the darkest timeline?

    PS – definitely Stouffers

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Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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