I’m not sure where I am right now.

I can always tell when I’m in a depression because I disappear.

I disappear from my blog and my life and I wait until I come back to myself. In the last week I celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary, I went with Hailey and Victor to Vegas for the weekend, I wrote down notes of things I should write about and then wrote about none of them because my depression has eaten my energy, motivation and ability to even string together a sentence properly. I have written and deleted this paragraph 5 times.

It feels so ungrateful to be depressed when you should be happy and celebrating. The cognitive dissonance can make the depression and disassociation even more uncomfortable and yesterday it got so bad that I started looking into IV ketamine for treatment resistant depression, which sounds ridiculous because I always avoided ketamine when I was a young semi-druggie and now I’m looking at getting shot up with it.

I could do TMS again as it’s helped twice before but it takes a long time to start working and I’m so low I wanted something more immediate. Yesterday I reached out to a clinic and started getting set up but the depression causes something so easy to feel impossible. And then today I woke up and instead of feeling 85% depressed I only feel 55% depressed and now I’m at that awkward teetering stage of “Do I use this time to set up treatment?” versus “Well, if I feel better today maybe I’ll feel even better tomorrow and maybe I should just do nothing.”

IV ketamine seems to have good results (overall) and works fast but it’s not covered by insurance so I’ll probably be spending a ton of money to sit with needles in my arms for days as I have a psychedelic trip that will be 90% milder and a million percent more expensive than my college dealer could have given me in 1993. I think about the cost and about how I could use that same money to take my family on vacation somewhere lovely, and then I remember that we just got back from a tiny vacation where I was struggling to do even the simplest of things. So that’s why I’m writing this. To remind myself that I am worthy of treatment. And so are you. Whether that’s medication or self-care or anything else that seems selfish but in the end makes you stronger and more so that you can be a better person for those around you.

I’m very lucky that I can get treatment and that we can find a way to pay for it. A lot of people can’t. A lot of people won’t even have the opportunity to try all of the treatments that have worked for me or that have not. So today I’m going to take that opportunity and the little amount of energy I have and call the clinic to see if this is a good option for me. And if it isn’t I’ll call to start another round of TMS. And I will feel bad about the time and expense and drain but I will remind myself that at the end of every treatment that has given me relief I’ve know without a doubt that it was worth it.

Fingers crossed.

221 thoughts on “I’m not sure where I am right now.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My partner Doug does ketamine therapy. PM me on Facebook (I’ll contact you there as well) to ask us any questions you want. It’s been *hugely* helpful for him.

  2. I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope you find the relief you need soon.

    I’ve been patting myself on the back because I’ve managed to get out of bed every day for the past week and go to work. I’m also kicking myself because, really, that’s all I’ve managed to do.

  3. You are worthy of this treatment. You deserve to be happy and present – in your work. In your family. In your life. You deserve this when you’re at 50% and when you’re at 90%. I love you. I am proud of you. <3

  4. Hang in there girl. I’m having a very shit week myself. Depending on someone else to do their job and dealing with the consequences when they don’t has me really down. But, as with everything, this too shall pass.

    Take comfort that you touch so many lives in a positive way – your fans adore you! Saint Jenny – patron saint of the broken everywhere!

  5. You (at least your blog and your books) have always been there when I desperately needed, I really really wish I can do the same for you.

  6. Thank you for being so honest and open about your struggles. It really helps. And I hope that you can get this treatment and that it helps you ASAP. I wanted to say, re: “the depression causes something so easy to feel impossible” — I don’t think it is that easy to begin with, even. For me anyway it’s always hard to seek treatment even though I’ve done it before. It’s a lot of emotional work. It takes strength and humility and it’s hard to make that first phone call. You’re doing an amazing job at something that is truly difficult and draining.

  7. Jenny you have no idea how helpful it was to see this today. I’m trying a new medication for my own depression right now and really struggling, and your reminder that treatment is worth it has broken through the clouds on a dark day. Thank you for being you. I hope you get that relief very soon.

  8. Just sending you love and understanding and the best wishes in the world.
    I know all too well the depression thing, and how it stops your life. I am one of those who cannot afford the treatments you write about, but I am SO glad that you can and do because you help so many people all over the world just by being yourself and being willing to put yourself and your experiences out there. Thank you. You deserve good things and I am thinking of you with love.

  9. LouiseK said it perfectly, Jenny…
    “You are always worth it. Thanks for being.”
    Sending hugs & love from Vermont

  10. Sending you lots of love and positive energy … can’t imagine the amount of strength and courage it takes you to write your blog. And it’s so important to a lot of people. Hopefully, it helps you too. Huge hugs to you …

  11. You are so very worth it. I wish I could do something to help. Sending good vibes & positive energy because that’s all I can think of.

  12. You make the world a better place. Thank you for your honesty. Have you watched The Great Depresh?

  13. I hadn’t been aware of ketamine treatment until I read this; looked it up and saw that they’re also offering it for pain and fibro. Now I’m wondering how far I’d have to drive to find a clinic and if my insurance would cover enough of the cost to make this possible. I haven’t had enough motivation to deal with the bipolar depression, but the constant pain might just get me to follow up on this.
    Thanks Jenny!

  14. I listened to a Ted Talk where they analyzed and discussed the use of Magic Mushrooms to treat depression. It was fascinating. I would think a quick google search would lead you do it. Just wanted to mention it. Sending you light and love from big sky country. Thank for all you do and all you are. You are definitely worth anything that makes you feel better. Forever and always. ❤️

  15. You are SO worth it, girl. I never know whether I will have the energy or brain cells to do what I want to do when I get up in the morning; I try and take it a day, hour or minute at a time if I need to. You are such a treasured soul to so many people (and I don’t mean to make that a pressure thing), you have taught us that self-care is essential and NORMAL. Please take care of yourself and come back when you’re ready. We all love you very much. In the meantime, I am going out to look for a metal rooster for my garden. Knock knock…….

  16. You are absolutely worth it, and doing things when you have the energy and brain space to deal with them is important. I know when depression is deepest it’s almost impossible to get things done. *hugs* It’s ridiculously hard to ask for help even at the best of times.

  17. I sent you a pm on fb yesterday about a positive impact you have had in someone’s life. You are worth it!

  18. I just bought LSD to try to help my neverending CPTSD. I can’t get it in a therapeutic setting so I’m starting low and slow. I wish you peace and luck.✨💜🌀

  19. To echo an earlier reply, your books have helped me feel a lot less alone in the world. Thank you and knowing you too struggle with the guilt piece helps me put my own guilt/feeling useless/feeling guilty about feeling useless in perspective. Also we have regular family reading nights and your books and blogs have us all in stitches but have also helped our family talk more openly about mental illness and my kids ask questions they wouldn’t normally ask. That is a priceless gift you have given us. Thank you for being.

  20. This post really hit home for me. Especially right now. I pray you have another positive day tomorrow. Sending you big hugs.

  21. I remember reading how the TMS worked for you before, and it seems the second round lasted longer. Maybe it’s one of those things that is more effective each time. I like to think that a few more rounds, each lasting longer than the last, will make a world of difference. Blessed be, Jenny.

  22. You are an amazing human being. One of my favorites EVAH. Write that on a sticky note for when you need to be reminded.

  23. My wife did ECT for her resistant depression and it has been a miracle for her. It’s not scary like it use to be and it helps a lot of people.

  24. Jenny, you are worth it. We all are. I lost my cousin on the 4th of July. It would have been our Gram’s 90th birthday. We lost her last year. He couldn’t take life any longer. He was 43. He was my go-to-text when I needed reminding that tomorrow would be better. Can you believe that? HE was MY reminder and now he’s gone. I lost my Mom two months ago yesterday. She welcomed my cousin home, I have to believe. You can do this, Jenny!

  25. Love you, Jenny. I’m so proud of you for seeking treatment. And thank you for reminding us all that we are all worthy of treatment.

  26. Fingers crossed for YOU. You have value and you deserve to feel good, to feel happy, to feel balanced. Do what you need to do.

  27. You are amazing, and you are worth it! Depression is a liar. You are so loved!

  28. You not only are WORTHY, you deserve to live free of this smothering monster hanging on your back. Depression LIES. You bring untold joy to so many. YOU ARE A ROCK STAR, woman. Thank you for just being you.

  29. You are loved, you are supported, and you are WORTH it. And so are every single one of your readers! <3

  30. Sign up for the ketamine treatment! You are very much worth it!!!
    I can’t wait until the store is open and I can come in and maybe see your beautiful smiling face. Also, I want to tell you my story of “How I almost set my house on fire with a possum.” I think you’ll like it. 😄

  31. Thank you! For writing this. For being. For knowing people need to see this.
    I’ve been in a depressive state for over a month and I feel unbelievable guilt over it and I don’t want to seek treatment because I can think of 1000 things I’d rather pay for than that. This bout with depression has made me the least functional I can recall being and the least able to deal with adult life. I’m so fortunate my husband is supportive in these times, but the guilt…oh the guilt….

  32. You’re not alone and *hugs*. I wish you all the best, and I’m definitely feeling for those who can’t afford the treatments.

  33. My insurance doesn’t cover IV ketamine either but it does cover esketamine nasal spray (Spravato) and it has helped me immensely. I have heard that once you get past the initial round(s) of treatment and are just doing boosters that IV ketamine patients typically can go longer between booster treatments than Spravato patients. I currently go every 2 weeks for boosters but have had to bump it up to once a week when things weren’t going well. I hope it helps! I love you

  34. Check out https://allpsychedelichealth.com. This company is run by Dr. Tracy Covington. Her ketamine practice is Southern California and combines ketamine and psychological sessions, which is proven to be more effective than just ketamine alone.

  35. YOU are the reason I kept trying. I gave up once and almost died from it. But when I didn’t die, I was introduced to your books and your blog and I found a tiny shimmer of hope. It turned out my years of “depression” were actually anxiety to the point of it sapping my energy and leaving me depressed and exhausted.

    I finally found a doctor who was patient and listened. And it turned out my savior was an old, practically archaic, mild sedative. And for three months now, I’ve gotten my very first glimpse of what “normal” people must feel and think like.

    My family never gave up on me, even when I did. But it was YOU, Jenny, that kept bringing me back to “there has to be SOMETHING out there that will help me”.

    So I officially COMMAND (who am I? Nobody, that’s who. I don’t get to command anybody. Hell, my dog doesn’t listen to me half the time) you to go out there and find that thing that helps you be all you’re possible of being. (I would try to INSPIRE you to do so. But I’m less capable of inspiring anyone than I am commanding. Haha).

  36. Just a reminder you’re worth it. Also I know my family would rather me feel less depressed than go on a trip.

  37. All the love to you and everyone here. Lost my dog last week and have been sliding down the cliff. Caught myself halfway down and am struggling to climb out. Im lucky I have an awesome support group. Please everyone be kind and patient to yourselves and support one another. Its a matter of life and death.

  38. One foot in front of the other. With any luck, you won’t lose any size 8 WW’s as you go!

    Seriously, I was in this space a few weeks ago. I have done TMS once – short but great remission while it lasted. I did consults about ketamine but it scares me, half because I am a needle phobe and half because my brain likes to tell me I am fine. Then I remembered about Spravato, the esketamine nose spray. Maybe check that? I was ready to do it, but blessedly, I moved out of that crappy space. Sending you some good ju ju.

  39. Thank you for talking about this publicly. Every time I write a blog post like this I have an anxiety attack about what people will think of me, but you are so brave to do it. And I can see clearly now–I think it’s helps the world to read it and relate. You are not alone. My psych invented TMS. But I have never done it. I have bipolar 1, so it’s not for me (not typically), but I hear such good things about it. When I am feeling like you, I set up a treatment “plan.” or tell my doc to get a possible meds change. Having a hospital plan in place just makes me feel better even if I don’t go. I think you are handling this well! Keep on keepin.

  40. Jenny you are worth whatever it takes. You have also made me be brave enough to do my first outpatient therapy program. When I asked myself, self, what would Jenny do, I realized you would tell me to go. I hope you start seeing the sun again soon.

  41. Ketamine treatment should be accompanied by therapy, so be cautious, but it does show a lot of promise. I’ve also done research into psilocybin as treatment for major depressive disorder and treatment resistant depression, and those studies are super promising as well! There’s an FDA stage 3 trial about to commence to study this very thing, and I’m super hopeful.
    Whatever you do, always remember that you’re not alone in your depression and that it’s a lying liar. All the love to you. ❤️

  42. You are worth it. Every effort. Every experiment. Every hope. Every attempt. MEvery minute of every day.
    Love you, honey-❤️

  43. Courage, old girl. You have it in spades. I hope the treatment helps. Quickly.

  44. Ketamine treatment is free here, but I too am considering it. I have two psychiatrists, yes two. Both have seen amazing results with ketamine. I will definitely hold your hand. I, like many, care about you and wang to see the depression fuck right off. ♥️

  45. I wish you well in whatever approach you end up taking. I am glad you have the resources to have treatment.

    I wish I did. I live with chronic, complex ptsd and the resulting recurring bouts of depression. No insurance except the VA. I learned the hard way to not trust them at all. Not for talk therapy let alone treatment where I would be temporarily helpless. I went through the VA ptsd therapy & ended up being betrayed by the therapist who deliberately put misdiagnoses in my chart to prolong the amount of sessions allowed. (You get 12 for ptsd.) While that may seem like a helpful thing to do, she did not clear it with me first and when I found out on my own after being treated oddly by a technician in radiology (as if I should be wrapped in bubble wrap and medicated) and asked for the incorrect diagnoses to be removed she became defensive, refused & then actually said “I can make those apply to you”. I went to her boss & got them removed but that therapist still works there. In another VA debacle, my primary care doctor released my MST history to justify asking for a non-VA medical provider for podiatry care! I found out when I went to the podiatrist’s office for the consult and was asked at the front window if I had been raped in the military. Wtf?! She asked so she could tell me how sorry she was but still. I didn’t know her (or the people behind me in the waiting room) from Adam. I looked at the authorization paperwork the VA had faxed to them & there it was – my MST history. The doctor’s “reason” for doing this? “Well, I figured if the request had to do with MST they would automatically appprove the consult. I didn’t think you’d mind.” I complained through channels, just like I had with the therapist, but he is still with the VA too. As much as I’d like to try the ketamine therapy there’s no way I would go to the VA for it.

    I wish you & your family only the best as you navigate this depression. You ARE worth the treatment and whatever it takes (time, energy, finances) to get it. Sending a hug if it would help.

  46. Thank you for being you and continuing to share your journey. I wish you well and I appreciate your honesty. It really does help those of us who struggle too. Much love ♥️

  47. You are worth it.

    And if you are reading this, you are worth it too. You may not have the money or financial means to try every treatment but you are worth fighting for. Don’t stop researching “free” treatments, don’t stop fighting every day. Because you are here today, it means you won your battle yesterday. You can do this. I believe in your ability to keep fighting. Find new armour, find new allies, just keep fighting.

  48. My Ketamine injections are covered by insurance after my psychiatrist wrote/appealed to their decision making people. What we’ve found works best for me is getting IM ketamine at the same time as maintenance TMS (right side inhibitory). I hope you find what works best for you!! 💙💙

  49. Thank you for always being so open and honest. Knowing that others are going though what I’m going through really helps me not feel so alone. You are worth it and so are the rest of us. Lots of love. X

  50. You are worth it. It is horrific the way depression takes back every damned thing when it gets the chance. My lady reminded me to remember that there is a cycle and if right now I am on the down side, I will cycle back up again. <3

  51. If it were November 2020, I’d swear you had taken up residence in my head-and written this post about me. I’d had two successful TMS treatments in 2017, and 2019 and found myself at the same crossroads and opted for IV ketamine for the exact reason you’re considering it. I wanted faster relief. Sadly-my psychedelic adventure was not what I’d hoped for, and I went through with another round of TMS-which also failed to offer me any relief. We will find it. This I know is true. 🌈

  52. We are all worth it! You included! I hope that whichever treatment you ultimately go with brings you back to you. We’re all rooting for you!

  53. I feel this SO much. And you likely realize this, but your “better” today could be an effect of taking some action because brains are weird.

    I’ve also been reading a bunch lately about the potential benefits of psilocybin for depression. Maybe you can still contact your college dealer for that!

  54. I’m finally making the leap of faith to talk to my doctor about needing help with my constant anxiety. It was enough just setting up the appointment. Thanks for always discussing the worthiness of taking care of ourselves.

  55. i read this and got jealous because you know when you are depressed. then, i felt bad because that’s not a supportive response.

    basically, i have often done a lot of things without realizing im depressed or disconnected and it sounds nice but im the person who doesn’t realize they aren’t making any sense and they are acting kind of bizarre. it makes me so mad.

    anyway, i do wish you healing and comfort and when you’re ready for it, laughter. your work has meant so so so much to me. no one else could’ve told those stories. much love.

  56. I had the privilege of working at a Ketamine clinic here and saw it do wonderful things. Good luck❤

  57. As much as I hate to say “have you tried” because I get tired of people trying to fix me, and sometimes I just have to be ok not being ok. However, I’m saving to go to Amen clinic for the brainwork. I believe in the evidence that’s being found for depression originating in different parts of the brain, and the idea that to effectively treat it, you need to find out where it’s coming from, especially when we are dealing with something so complex. He’s not the only one doing it, many dual diagnosis centers are following suite.

  58. Well didn’t need to leave my full name there….lol….damn auto fill, about that brainwork….

  59. Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing you to the world especially when it is difficult. May you find relief soon

  60. I’m pretty sure that your family would rather have you feeling ok than go on a vacation. Sorry things are tough for you at the minute, it must suck. Take care and do whatever you need that is in your power to do to feel well.

  61. There is also a esketamine nasal spray treatment available called Spravato for treatment resistant depression that you could look into.

  62. I’ve been putting off trying botox for my migraines because I’ll have to get a referral and then it’s a pain to schedule and figure out childcare and (like alllllll the things before) it might not even work at all and I don’t have a migraine right this minute or maybe I do but it’s not the debilitating kind or I have the debilitating kind so I can’t possibly do anything about getting started on trying botox because I’m sitting still in a dark room, round and round. All of which is to say, different pain, but I feel you. I believe you also, like me, have ADHD, which makes starting anything a million times harder. If you can do this while 55% depressed, maybe I can call my doctor while I only have a 3 on the pain scale migraine. I really appreciate you putting in the effort to share this kind of stuff, especially when it’s hard to put the words together. I needed to hear that it’s worth the effort and money to try. That I’m worth it. Thank you.

  63. Yeah, I hear you. I stopped all my meds because I felt they weren’t working & the weight increase was making me even more depressed. 80 lbs in a little over a year awhile I cut more and more “bad” food or of my diet. The drug my Dr. & I want me to try next is about $180/month WITH insurance (United Health Care). I refuse to pay that with only one of us working, so I continue to be a useless recluse who never leaves the house. 🙁

  64. My husband did ketamine therapy for migraines. It was a nasal spray from a compound pharmacy. Still not covered by insurance but less expensive than the IV.

  65. You’re worth it. You’re worth it. You’re worth it. To me depression feels like I’m at the bottom of the well, and can see a bit of light, and hear the world around me, but can’t join in. Tossing you a figurative lantern and rope ladder to ease re-entry when you’re ready.

  66. yes, you are worth it and I hope you can note that you came back from a nice vacation in deep depression which just might indicate spending that money on another vacation might not be a thing to do. It must be so hard to take Kertamine. I’ve not done that. Just one anti-depression med and one (well three times a day top mg) nerve pain pill that seemed to help calm me a bit.

    May I say dang and drat on insurance that refuses to cover what works and insists upon w
    asting money on what doesn’t (my PsA knows that).

  67. Oh Jenny, you flipping ARE worth it……….if you have to rob banks do you need a get away driver?
    I’m here for you………except I’m 1500 miles from you 🙁 🙁

  68. Everyone, please be careful with ketamine. I had a treatment at the ER, the new doc had read an article on stopping migraines with ketamine and wanted to try it. I stopped breathing during administration. Very very scary. If I had not been in a emergency setting I would have died. I’m not against trying it, just do it the right way, with the right supervision. If I’d done it at a party I wouldn’t be here right now. Love you, Jenny

  69. I just finished infusion 5 of the initial 6 for ketamine for MDD. It’s been a weird road (as someone who has never done any interesting drugs at all, a legit trip is very odd), but I feel my brain knitting itself back together.

    I felt super guilty about it because my family doesn’t believe in mental illness (which was super helpful, let me tell you), and it required me to take time of work and it is pricey. And then my therapist (who is my voice of reason when I’m nuts) said we had to look into it (lots of SI).

    Look into it. It’s pleasantly weird, and I can feel my brain getting a little better each time.

  70. My husband did TMS right before you did and it also does not last for him. We looked into ketamine but the distance, hassle due to distance and $$$ was a deterrent. His doctors finally really pushed for him to do ECT. We were both scared and it has such a stigma. He had his last treatment yesterday. This treatment is life changing. If anyone is reading this and struggling and has ECT recommended and is scared, please consider it. I can’t believe the change in my husband.

  71. Not exactly related but we’ve started using microdoses of ketamine at work for cats with arthritis. I hope the treatment helps you feel better!

  72. Love and hugs to you. I am always inspired by your ability to keep trying to find the path that helps you, although we all know that’s often the hardest path <3

  73. For me, of all the things that get buried under depression, writing through it or about it seems to be the hardest, and ironically, the most therapeutic. I have no experience with ketamine or TMS, but plenty of experience with being paralyzed by my own brain. By all means, keep doing whatever works for you. Your presence and the thoughts you share have helped me through a lot, and often made me smile when every other impulse told me not to. Thank you for that.

  74. My doctor is on the, “let’s not focus on medication, let’s focus on the symptoms,” kick… It’s really frustrating because I asked her to give me something to deal with panic attacks and she just gave me an increase in my regular dose of propranolol. I don’t like that the doctors don’t always listen to what I want to do for my care. Glad you can work outside the system to get your care. Good luck with your treatment options.

  75. Girl I know you’re in Texas but if u could get your hands on some cannibis it’s frickin life changing. Just a micro dose every few hours. I’m a different person thanks to it. Seriously. Not high just anxiety and dark thoughts flutter away.

  76. I understand. I’m about 5 weeks into TMS and it doesn’t feel like it’s working at all. I want to get beat so bad that I keep going although it literally steals my energy and joy. I completely understand where you’re coming from.

  77. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. And so am I, although right now I agree that it’s really easy to feel that I’m not. We’re all here for you, Jenny.

  78. This morning at yoga, I learned to set an alarm for 3pm each day and then take one minute to send love out to the universe. Today was the first Love Minute Moment for me and I sent all that love to you! A universe worth……at 3pm est came your way. Stay strong…stay you!

  79. I am so sorry that your depression has gotten worse again. Have you heard about the psilocybin therapies that are being used? I have read a little bit about it and some people are having good results. I don’t know that I could do it, I don’t like losing control of my brain. I hope that you can get some relief.

  80. I’m in a low depressive state now, too. I’ve been putting off getting more help for MONTHS now. I hit a low this week that made me realize I really need to call to get my health in order. I know how mountainous just making a phone call or sending an email can be. ❤️

  81. You probably have already done this but have you tried treating it as bi polar depression with those meds? I did that and broke the back of the depression. I felt normal for the first time in my life and it’s stayed that way. Again you’ve probably tried this so I apologize if I’m going over old information

  82. Seems like a lot of the “recreational” drugs might have benefits for depression – I’ve seen stories about ketamine, MDMA, and psilocybin. I hope you find appropriate and beneficial treatment and that your insurance pays for it!

    (That’s the 2000s version of “May the road rise to meet you and the wind be always at your back,” I think.)

  83. Have you hear about micro dosing with magic mushrooms? It’s supposed to help people with depression. Not sure if it’s legal though.

  84. You are so awesome – please take care of yourself! Love you so much! You’re in my prayers!

  85. Jenny. I discovered your writings a couple of weeks ago. Thank you for putting into words what many of us go through. And, thank you for your humor. And….. you are amazing so take all the care, for yourself, that you need.

  86. You are worth it 100% Thanks for being you and being honest about your struggles. I hope this helps you . I love you.

  87. I’ve got nothing to add that hasn’t already been said, and said better by others, only a willingness to sit here virtually with you and hold space.

  88. You are worthy.

    I, too, have drug resistant depression (going on 44 years) and the last untried class just quit working. Medicare doesn’t pay for crap. I’d love to try microdosing lsd – I also have a TBI – resetting my brain would be a marvelous thing. The fact that I can’t get adequate treatment is in itself depressing. I feel you. Your journey has been inspiring to me. I’m hoping my medical team can find something…

    You need to go for it. Get the help. ❤️

  89. Today is a gift to allow you to get the help you need. You are 100% worth it. Hold on. Depression lies.

  90. You are worth it. And your family needs you healthy more than another vacation. And your blog has helped me so much in having a better relationship with my mother, even when her meds change and she becomes paranoid that I don’t love her because I have to work. Thank you for posting about living with depression. It’s just as valuable as your posts which make me laugh out loud.

  91. Whatever makes you feel better is worth it, because you deserve to feel better. And so does everyone out there struggling with anxiety, depression, pain. You are always worth it!
    My debilitating migraines are getting less frequent and less severe as I go through menopause. It did for my mother too.
    Things can get better.
    My grandfather’s depression and self medication with alcohol gradually lifted as he got older, and my uncle says his depression is slowly lifting as he gets older (he’s in his 70’s.)
    Biochemistry can change.
    Things can get better.
    My husband finally admitted he was depressed and anxious and is working with his doctor to get the proper medications and the right dosages. He says it helps. It can get better.
    Don’t ever give up on trying things to help you feel better, science is always working on new things to help us with treatment for our pain, and we are learning new things all the time about how to make mental and physical pain treatments better.
    It’s always darkest before the dawn.
    And always remember depression lies.
    Things can change.
    Things can get better.
    You are worth it.

  92. I have been bipolar or whatever the fancy new name is now for almost all of my 60+ years. I also have a child with it. We have both had excellent results with ECT therapy. I had my last treatments starting in January 2020 and ending in February 2020. I normally (ha!) had unilateral treatment but this time was encouraged to try bilateral. It’s July 2021 and I haven’t felt this good in, well, I can’t remember when. Expensive-yes. Am I worth it-yes although at the time I didn’t think I was. A very supportive family “encouraged” me the entire treatment time. I love them but really wanted to smack them at the time. I too know how lucky I am to have support and insurance! Long story longer, is ECT an option for you? I felt absolutely nothing and just woke up a bit confused as to whether I was done or going in.

  93. Sharing your struggles not only makes you stronger, which it does, but it gives hope to everyone who is also struggling, and we all are. You rock.

  94. I have been similarly struggling. I finally made myself call about a second round of TMS on Tuesday, but today I’m feeling a little better and wonder if I should still go through with it. I should. And you should do the ketamine. I hope that it works for you.

  95. I love you. You are amazing & I am so proud of you for putting in the work to be present. I was just turned down for TMS & we are going to appeal it. A good friend did ketamine treatments & just raved about them. They helped her so much. I hope you can find relief. I’m in the same boat & just don’t have the energy to even try to fix it right now. But I’ll keep trying to muster it up to call my therapist’s office.

  96. 42 years old and I still go through the “Is this normal tired or is this depression tired?” I always want it to be “normal tired” and it almost never is. By trying to live in denial, I waste time getting treatment and then risk falling down the rabbit hole. I have to wonder at what point do I stop!?

  97. So much love to you as you go through this. Thank you for what you share, it helps so many. I do a strange mixture of continuing on and disappearing and over time I feel I can handle less and less. There are so many varying days, I just want to feel some peace, just started counseling. Thank you for all the laughter packed into your books over the years. You are wonderful.

  98. Ketamine info: My daughter has had ketamine infusions and now gets Ketamine Intra-muscular shots every three weeks. We have been doing this for about 3 years. She gets immediate relief. It cost us $350 each time we go because part of it is covered by the “doctors appointment” or it would be more expensive. We have Blue Cross insurance. She goes to Klarisana which has an office in San Antonio. We are in Austin. It’s a great group. We would be happy to answer any questions you have about Ketamine. I think it’s a life saver and have often wondered why you haven’t tried it yet.


  99. Spravato is nasal ketamine and is covered by insurance. If you haven’t tried it, I would recommend you try that before you incur the expense of the IV treatments. Sending you healing energy, I know the darkness and the pain.

  100. I have tried most recently to get into the Mayo Clinic, just to have someone evaluate the whole me, the crazy, the pain, the chubby, and the beauty. They denied me. I need someone who can look at my history, the past, present, and hell if they can see that I’m still alive in the future tell me what the fuck I’m doing their too. I can not tell you how many medications I take daily, it seems ridiculous. None of them are working properly, so they increase the dose or add to it. I’m still fucking depressed, I still have to force myself out of my bed every morning, convincing myself that work is a safe place too. Anxiety, huh, someone just left me a phone message 1 hr and 46 min ago, I saw that voicemail indicator light up immediately, but fucking text me, I can’t even listen to voicemails and having them gives me heart palpitations. I have to go, I have to go see if my phone will let me read the transcripts.

  101. I’m sorry that you are going through this right now.Sending you so much strength and love, because you deserve to feel well and happy ❤

  102. I wanted to let you know that Ketamine definitely helped my depression. It is something you have to do on a repeated basis (amount of time between the treatment periods varies….sometimes every 3 months, sometimes every 6 months, sometimes every 9 months – you get the picture). So – funnily enough (ok, NOT funny at all), I have an EXTREME pain condition called CRPS (Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome) and Ketamine VERY often works well for CRPS. It was my last resort – I had tried maybe 25 other treatments first. Ketamine is great for pain and for depression. The dose they use for depression is much lower than what they use for pain. My pain is off the charts and I’m also quite depressed….I was depressed before my pain condition appeared, but it had gotten worse since my whole life has been turned upside down by my CRPS. They couldn’t get my dose up to the appropriate level for pain (they monitor your vitals during your Ketamine infusions and my body wasn’t cooperating) so I basically had the dosing for depression instead. Needless to say, it didn’t work for my pain, BUT IT WAS AMAZING FOR MY DEPRESSION!!! I couldn’t believe how much it helped. So I would HIGHLY recommend trying it!!
    Also, I want to say THANK YOU for your books. I’m a voracious reader and they have been my FAVORITE things to read since I-don’t-know-when. I can’t express what a joy they’ve been, and what laughter, as well as tears of “OMG – she gets me” you’ve gotten out of me. I AM ONE OF YOUR PEEPS. So, THANK YOU!!!

  103. Hang in there. You are beloved by so many. Don’t let depression tell you any different!

  104. Just make sure you do your research. There is so much new evidence that antidepressants highly increase early dementia. It has taken 20 years for them to figure that out. God knows what permanent effect any other drug treatment may cause but they won’t figure out till years down the line. I suffer constant, severe depression but quit my cymbalta a year ago after researching it’s effect on early dementia. I get desperate for help but am not willing to lose what little mental control I have left at age 61 after 30 years of prozac and cymbalta. so good luck, but know what you might be gambling away.

  105. I am so glad you have the means to seek treatments that can support you. You’re worth it and it will get better. And you will surface from this slumber and the lies depression tells you, to be able to embrace your better times and your loved ones. Hugs to you, sweet lady!

  106. Thank you for being real about depression. I’m currently in a depressive low as well. I had a convo yesterday with psych about starting Ketamine or TMS. I have no insurance so have to weigh the cost/outcome. 😕

  107. You are absolutely worth it. And your family is worth it if it means a safer mom/wife/sister/daughter. Depression is life threatening, as you know, like cancer or any other life threatening illness. You’d pay out if pocket for chemo too, of it weren’t covered. You absolutely are worth it!!

    Just a thought about nasal ketamine (esketamine, Sparvato). It may be covered and seems to work well. Hugs to you!!!

  108. You are worth every therapy available. If I thought getting naked and dancing in the rain worked (it didn’t) I’d have another go at it. Use whatever you have available to you!

  109. You are so very worthy Jenny. You, and of yourself, and for no other reason. Please schedule treatment. I pray it helps you again.❤️

  110. I’ve heard good things about ketamine therapy-
    Sending love and light ❤

  111. Whatever helps. I’ve had a day too. But just a day…Wish you well getting back to your creative self.

  112. I just had 2 weeks of unexplained crazy high blood sugar, then boom normal. My Endocrinologist’s-office calls, gets my info… does nothing and hasn’t called me back in 2 days. Thank GOD for my PCP who I’m going to follow as she’s going to do “concierge medicine” that’ll cost me a bunch of money from my whopping teacher salary. I am thankful I have insurance. I’m thankful I CAN figure this out (somehow)… it’s sad how many people have to spend what we do for medical CARE. How do we start a group? And yep – my chronic issues trigger my mental… it’s vicious. I pray you find answers and help my sister.

  113. Look into mushrooms. The magic ones. There have been studies, the most recent published by Yale, that show incredible results for depression and PTSD. Better, I think, than ketamine. However, you might need a dealer on your end.

  114. If it weren’t for your latest book, I would have had no clue why my anti depressant suddenly stopped working. (Switched generics and it less like a light switch and more like a battery dying in a flashlight… dimmer and dimmer till you are shaking it to keep it on) … I was taking my medication, why was I suddenly not ok? It never would have even occured to me that different manufacturers have different efficacies. I found the NDC code, got my original generic back into my system and look back with horror at the things I wrote down three months ago.

    Thanks, for …. writing things down anyway. For reminding yourself. For reminding us. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for re-writing the paragraph 5x. Thanks for disappearing when you need to and for coming back.

  115. I know from personal experience that there are two voices in your head. One is the real you and the other is the depression. Please remind yourself that depression is a lying bastard! You are infinitely worthy of whatever it takes to silence that beast!

  116. My husband has had treatment resistant depression for 30 years. Out of curiosity….and a bit of desperation, he started microdosing with psilocybin (mushrooms) and he recently said that it’s the first time he’s felt “normal” in decades. I can literally feel it in the energy that he gives off. Tons of studies are being done in it now and it’s better tha. ketamine. Cheaper too if you grow your own. 😊

  117. So much of what you wrote has a resonance with me. I have treatment resistant depression. I admire the way you share this difficult time with us in such an honest and open approach. I hope whichever help you decide on brings you fast relief. Be kind to yourself.

  118. Just to add to comment 138 – I recently finished Michael Pollen’s How to Change Your Mind (about psilocybin, etc.). Worth a read and I agree with the person who wrote this comment that it’s worth thinking about/reading about micro-dosing with psilocybin as an option. I’ve only done Ketamine but I think psilocybin is probably, ultimately, an option I would consider before Ketamine in the future (if it became available).

  119. 💜💜💜💜💜💜🌸💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

  120. I was looking at your Vegas pics thinking “they are such a gorgeous family! How come her eShakti dresses are amazing and mine looks like an 18th century funeral frock?? She’s gonna crash from this trip. ❤”

    Depression lies. It’s lying to you about spending money on your health. You’re worth it, and your family is worth it.

    We’re here!

  121. For the past 6 months I have been doing NAD+ infusions and light therapy at my doctors office/med spa. It’s called Restore Hyper-wellness (it’s a chain, like Massage Envy). I think it’s worth looking into for people that can afford to try alternative therapies. It’s what I decided to try before giving TMS a try (which my meds dr was starting to suggest).

  122. You are a bright spot in my socially awkward life, you are loved by so many who have never met you. Luckily I escaped the bi-polar/depression beast that has consumed half my family, so my advice may not be super insightful, but whatever method you choose to try and tame this beast needs no excuses. Take care of you however you need to, you are beyond amazing ❤️❤️

  123. You are worth it and you are loved. Reading through these comments is an amazing look at how you have helped so many through your honesty about facing MI. Thank you, bless you, love you and dang it we need you, (no pressure). Be well. <3

  124. Sending you love and light. Your words and honestly always fill me with hope. Thank you for being you.

  125. Guuuuuuurl, I’ve been there. I’m kinda still there. It’s so hard to remember that this is a medical condition . . . You wouldn’t be hemming and hawing about this if it were the next appropriate treatment for a tumor or a disease. It’s important to prioritize your mental health because without it, you have nothing. When I’ve been in that depressive low, I find if I don’t think too much and just take the next right step in the direction of wellness, things start improving. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and paralyzed otherwise.

  126. Amen and amen and amen. As long as you have things to try, keep trying. 💕

  127. I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. Crying several times a day, feeling useless and pointless, and like I never do anything right. I just want to crawl in a fetal position and hug my dog and have a drink. Thank you so making me feel not alone.

  128. My doctor recently mentioned esketamine, a nasal spray. I’m up for anything now.

  129. Your light is needed in this world. Thank you for fighting for yourself, because when you do so you continue to fight for your light to be shared with your family, friends, community and with the world.

    You inspire me to keep fighting for myself. I’ve had medical challenges that have been monstrous to face -but I know I have to take my journeys with my health no matter the outcomes because I’m worth it, and it’s important to be brave.

    Thank you for your bravery Jenny (and for everyone else who is reading this). Love you!!

    Also in recent years I’ve discovered Reiki energy healing, and I feel it has helped me in combination with prayer I use it as one of my many tools I use to balance my well being.

    Perhaps Reiki can be used in unison (as an added tool) with whatever new treatment plan works for you? I hope this helps!! Below I’ve added links to Reiki healing sessions for depression as well as transmuting negative energies from a channel that I rely on:



  130. I did the ketamine treatment and it was life-changing. I hope you find something that works well for you. ❤️

  131. Sending you love and light and all the good energy so you can banish that darkness. ♥️

  132. It is pretty expensive but if at all possible I’d recommend seeking out a psychiatrist who does ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. The ketamine is given intramuscularly in the doctors office. In theory you then have a talk session (but I’m usually just seeing my cells at a microscopic level uniting with the universe lol).

    My psych also gives me a monthly prescription for at-home sessions. It has been a godsend, Jenny. For about a year I actually could not remember what it felt like to be depressed. The effect has worn off somewhat but I’m still very satisfied with it. I’ve been doing it for 4 years and it’s the only thing that’s really, truly helped me make progress.

  133. Until I read this, I never realized I do the same thing. I disappear. I stop writing my blog. I stop communicating. I’ve started DBT and that group helps but it’s hard to motivate and go anywhere. I vacation next week but I’m going through the motions. I have great insurance, meds, therapist, shrink. A former coworker is opening a ketamine clinic. Long ramble on thanks again for being transparent. It helps me see.

  134. Just lost my insurance on 07/01, and had barely begun looking for a psych or facility that accepted new patients. My old psych never returned my phone call. So now…back into the shadows. It’s a vicious cycle.

  135. When I have a bad day your first book is like a snuggly bathrobe and I listen to a beloved chapter read by you. My fiancee struggles with depression and anxiety and other things and he has found relatability and humor when he listens with me in the car to any of the 3. Yours are the only books he can not.only tolerate but enjoy. We both have agreed Victor should be canonized but can understand at the same.timemhow easy it must be to love you. Cracked and bruised and sometimes broken, you seem to put yourself nt ogether with humor and some.wisdom and some charm like a kitten discovering that butterflies taste like cheese.
    Good nf or you fornholdingnyourslef accountable. I know that the only opinion that can REALLY tell you you are worth it. All of it. The kwtmine and the brain magnets and the times when you are exhausted …is you. But there are a lot of laughs and special moments and even good deep discussions that my fiancee and I wouldnt be holding right now if you hadnt stayed, and written and kept writing. Thank you for all those moments.

  136. I’ve been just starting to think about ketamine treatments myself – at least partially because mental illness has completely stripped away any sense of identity or creativity that made life worthwhile, and regular meds don’t touch any of that. Please share more (when you can) if you go down this path!

  137. So much good in this piece. I’m a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and just this afternoon shared your “treat yourself like the dog you love” analogy with a client. It was helpful, as usual. It’s clear from your post that even though you’re in a dark place, you’re trying to embrace your own advice and put the oxygen mask on the Jenny dog first. Is there a sticker for that? There should be, because you earned it.

    Reminder ad nauseam: you are not your depression. Considering your menagerie of medical afflictions and the effects of systemic inflammation it’s not surprising depression is a parasite you’ll have to beat back every now and again. That’s not your fault. It’s your burden. And it sucks. You’re having to find stronger tools to fight with sure, but you have options to explore like ketamine, or ECT, or psychedelics, or low dose lithium or even certain classes of antibiotics. Your options are not exhausted, even if the pursuit is exhausting. You’re a hero on a journey and there will be battles. This battle is one worth winning. I’m glad you left yourself this bread crumb as a reminder. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

  138. Don’t you dare feel bad about time, or expense, or bother. YOU are worth it. YOU are smart enough to know when you need help. Your family absolutely wants you to get the treatment you need.

    Six years ago, you wrote to my teenage daughter, who was briefly hospitalized for depression and a suicide attempt, and met her at your book signing hours after she was released. To this day I know that YOU made such a huge difference in her life. She is now thriving – started college two years early, is in love, and happy and successful.

    You are the bomb, Bloggess. I will never forget what you did for our family. Be well.

  139. I used to have a terrible problem with depression. As I got older, the depression turned into anxiety. And my anxiety is going into overdrive worrying that everything that was postponed during Covid is now going to be a tsunami now. Is this a true threat or just my mind being a terrorist?

    I’m going to have today off work and I’m going to try and think of your little book store and imagine I’m a little girl again wandering around looking at titles. Libraries were so amazing to me. This will be my self therapy for today and thank you for being you. You are a shining light no matter what.

  140. Do take care of you! Its worth it.

    My mom passed away a month ago (from cancer). She had struggled with depression for many years. I’m looking back on her life through the lens of her challenges with mental illness with a lot of respect for how hard she’d fought. I wish she’d had some better treatments.

  141. This really struck a chord with me. I wasn’t expecting to connect with what you said – but it hit me on the head like a sledgehammer. Eaten up energy, inability to string a sentence together (although my work sentences are genius while my personal sentences are mush) and feeling ungrateful because I am healthy and safe…but wow. Depression does not = just “sad”. I am so sorry you are struggling but your words matter and can make an impact. I hope your selected treatment starts some healing. I’ll look into ways to start my own. xo

  142. Jenny,

    In Illinois there are a few ketamine infusion clinics that accept insurance. Might be worth looking into depending on your coverage. A flight here may be cheaper than an out of pocket cost for treatment. Just something to consider.

  143. You are here, you are safe and you are loved💜 I cannot thank you enough for helping to break the stigma of mental struggle, for being here and for everyone else here in “The Bloggess Tribe”. I can only hope that one day insurance companies and medical providers won’t see mental health treatment options as “luxury” items and that everyone has access to and can get the help they need and deserve.

  144. Hey Jenny, I’m not sure which therapies you’ve done yet, but there’s more and more research coming out about psychedelic mushrooms given in micro-doses in combination with therapy that’s proving to be a very effective treatment for depression. ❤️

  145. My husband nearly did ketamine a few years ago for intractable depression, but we figured out that an anti-anxiety drug he was on was actually slowly worsening his depression. His doctor (in SA) had seen miracles with it. I just had lunch with a friend and learned her 17-year old is on it after years of OCD, depression, and anxiety and it’s working great. Good juju that you can find the strength-

  146. Thank you for being YOU and for always being open and honest about your struggles! It makes the rest of us that are struggling feel less alone. I am sorry that you are going through a dark patch, but I have no doubt you will come back in to the light again! You never cease to amaze me! Love you and sending hugs and healing!

  147. Jenny, I do Ketamine therapy – compounded trochees and the cost is $40 a month. I’ve had very good luck with it. It’s worked better than ECT, and taking the tablet every other day just results in being stoned for about 30 minutes. It’s a woozy feeling, similar to alcohol. Not like dropping acid. I replied on your Twitter thread, dm me for more details. Much love. ❤️

  148. I’ll just drop here that vagal nerve stimulation via implanted devices has good studies out for rheumatoid arthritis *and* depression, and they’re working on studies for transdermal vagal nerve stimulation (your vagus nerve gets really close to the surface in your ear… thingy. The bit that sticks out in front of your ear-hole?) which are also coming out nicely, although the tVNS units aren’t yet FDA approved (but can be bought from Europe). But implanted vagal nerve stimulation is already FDA-approved, but that takes surgery, not just ear-clipping. Anyway.


  149. i am in the midst of a feckin scary health crisis which has paralyzed my creativity. art and writing have carried many a day for me. but for two months i have been teetering on the edge of an infinite abyss. no answers after xrays and scans amd blood tests and oncology appointments. it’s a horrid place to exist within. if you have the means to heal this crisis of yours, please do it, without guilt.

  150. Hugs and love!! I hope whatever you decide to do will help push that depression down. I completely know what you mean, about feeling ungrateful for being depressed when outside-things are going well or feeling guilty that the treatments cost money and time that could be spent some other way… I get that, my mind does that too. But then when I’m not in a depression I look at those thoughts and it almost feels ridiculous that I felt that way. The days or weeks or months where I feel good enough to truly enjoy the little (and bigger) things in life, the mental strength it takes to be a caregiver for my mother, the long walks with my dog that he gets so dang happy about… None of that is possible if I don’t get treatment and do whatever possible to fight the depressive times.

  151. I’m sorry you’re struggling now. Best wishes for brighter days ahead – you definitely deserve them. Thank you once again for shedding light on a disease that has been hidden in the shadows for too, too long. Your honesty and vulnerability help so many people with mental illness find hope and help family and friends of those folks understand better. Please keep writing like you do.

  152. My heart goes out to you. I’ve done ECT and ketamine treatments but neither of them worked for me. I know they they help a lot of people though, so I really hope it helps you. Unlike ECT, the ketamine therapy at least was fun at least. I can see why people do it recreationally. I haven’t done TMS yet butI’ve tried everything else, so I’ll have to look into it. Depression is a killer. I hope everything goes well for you and I’m glad you have a good support system.

  153. Oh Jenny. I’m in your corner, at your side, on your shoulder. I’m so sorry you have to continue this battle, but you are so worth it! You so bravely go forward and even more bravely share your journey. You’ve helped countless people without even realizing it. Believe. You’re loved and admired by more people than you can count. I Know, I’m one of them

    Take care Jenny

  154. I’ve been dealing with major anxiety lately and you’ve always been a light in all the darkness. You are definitely worthy and so, so loved. I’ve heard good things about psilocybin, my friend micro-doses with it and she’s had really positive results. I’ve been contemplating it for myself and appreciate the input from others here in the comments. But for now, I’ve started seeing a counselor and am trying to work on answering the anxiety instead of pushing it away.

    Sending so much love and many, many hugs to you and your family.

  155. I was thinking the other day of going to Austin (I live in MA) just to visit the bookstore and how I would probably freak out if I met you and want to hug you which is weird, especially in covid time, but it’s because you’ve touched something in me. And I think about how remarkable you are to touch people you’ve never met or talked to, you have this ability to relate to people and make life palatable. So I thank you, as do millions of other people, for being exactly who you are. Depression sucks but sometimes I’m a wee bit grateful because it helps me appreciate the good times so much more. I love you and hope for the best for you.

  156. You wrote this. To me, that is inspirational, because I know how difficult it really is to turn on the computer, hell even to walk to the computer, hell… even to get out of bed, let alone write an entire blog post. I wish the best for you, whatever you choose to do. I wish the same for anyone, all of us, out there dealing with or trying to deal with these stupid, lying, depressing, angering, anxieting (I think I’m making up words now) emotionally chemically things that play so much havoc with us when we’re just sitting here minding our own businesses and trying to have a reasonable day or two with possibly a cupcake, and instead we get … blargh.

  157. You are worthy of self care and set a positive example for Hailey when you seek treatment. Sending you love and light.💐💐💐💐😳

  158. Jenny, I have read your books and found a bit of similarity in them. I was, unfortunately, not ready to take the step in admitting that I needed medication at the time. I thought yoga and mind over matter would stop the paralyzing feelings. I finally went on an anti anxiety med and told my best friends. Instead of judging me, which I knew they wouldn’t, they said, “it’s about time!” They knew what I needed but let me take the path to get there and were supportive all the way. I can’t wait until talking about mental health is as open and non judgmental as talking about physical health. Thank you for being you and putting yourself out there. You are a great inspiration.

  159. Ketamine is incredibly effective with treatment resistant depression. I run a nonprofit that advocates, educates, does outreach, and researches bipolar disorder in children. Our team identified a new subtype of bipolar that impacts about 1/3 of everyone who has bipolar, and this new type is significantly improved by ketamine taken in an intranasal spray. It’s like night and day between taking it and not taking it.

    I’m so glad for you that you are trying this option and l wish you so much luck. IV infusions are expensive which is why tgey are available, but if you ever want to talk about the other options for taking it at home, with a prescription, don’t hesitate to message me privately. I’ve seem the benefit it can have!!

  160. You are good. You deserve to feel better. Please get the treatment you need, so that you can show your family the love they deserve, and accept the love you get from them.

    A wisecrack from a happy person makes everyone smile. A wisecrack from a sad person is like a wet fart during a funeral.

  161. Hey

    Thought I would leave this link.


    Our university here in Kingston has just opened a new program looking at DMT, LSD and other psychedelic agent in treating mental health conditions.

    We feel we are onto something that could be much more advantageous than usual SSRI treatment alone. Please consider that any pharmaceutical treatment should be in combination with therapeutic intervention (ACT, DBT, etc…). The combination significantly improves outcome.

    Sure hope things start lifting soon.


  162. Thank you for being so open and honest. I have thought about you a lot the past month or so as I have felt the same, and my 22 year old son is going through something similar as well.
    It’s times like these thats nice to know you’re not alone. Not the only one struggling to get out of bed, to maintain a job. To try to help others when you don’t feel like you can help yourself.

    You are amazing, I am sending you positive vibes, virtual hugs and understanding.

  163. I can totally identify with what you are feeling. Sometimes I wonder how I get thru the day. I am sending you hugs and love. Thank you for writing. It makes me feel better and I get a lot of good laughs. You are amazing!

  164. I hate that, been there before, feeling almost suicidal (feel Iwant to but don’t have the energy or motivation to do it) contact the mental health people and it takes them weeks to get back to me, by which time I’m almost better so i say I don’t need their help!!!!
    What if I was dead – they’d feel pretty shitty about taking so much time to get back to me then wouldn’t they?? 😛

  165. I totally get it. But you have the energy to at least try treatment and that is a very good thing!!

  166. You are worth treatment. Any investment into yourself is an investment into you children and your family. Thank you for always being so vulnerable and sharing. It has helped me immensely. As a side note, my brother just finished ketamine injections and is feeling significantly better. Hope you find relief soon. xo

  167. My task from my therapist this week was to write down “I am worthy of treatment” and put it somewhere I could see it all the time. I am. You are. We all are. Thank you.

  168. You are definitely worth it. I understand. I have spent months feeling like it was selfish to take the time to cut, bleach and color my own hair. It took weeks but it’s cut and bleached. And this week – at some point I will color it. These days are difficult for anyone going through the darkness. And yes I have to remind myself I deserve time and a little something too when I’m constantly giving to everyone and all the animals I love around me. Writing helps but some days it’s too much effort. We love u Jenny. You have helped me see I’m not alone and finding your blog has been amazing. Hang in there. I hope the treatment helps. ((HUGS))

  169. Thank you so, so much.
    For reminding us that we are worthy of treatment. I really need to hear that right now.
    And for sharing the reality of your experience because it makes me feel less lonely and less broken.
    You are so, so worthy of treatment.

  170. You have helped me so much since I found your books and your blog. I’ve sent your books to people I love that need it too.
    You are such a wonderful person you truly deserve treatment that will work. You have helped me seek treatment when I’ve been afraid and too tired.
    Love you Jenny, you feel like a friend that I’ve always known.
    I want to visit your bookstore next time I’m in TX

  171. Sprovato. It’s the brand name for esketamine, which is administered via a nasal inhaler. You sit in the doctor’s office for a couple of hours or so until you’re not super high anymore, then have someone take you home. MY INSURANCE HAS COVERED THIS, even the after we got a new pharmacy provider, they cut me off for about a month before I convinced them that if they didn’t approve this, I’d kill myself. The manufacturer has a few financial assistance programs, based upon income, but you have to have insurance to qualify if you make to much money (which is weird, because without the financial assistance, it’s $13k PER MONTH for this treatment. I know of no one who worries about insurance who could ever pay for that.)


    It has been a fucking MIRACLE. Nothing else has worked, not TMS, not trauma therapy, not ANYTHING. I am so much better, I almost feel entirely like myself again. Which is no small feat.

    Look into it.

  172. I’m sorry you’re back in this place. Depression is such a lying rat bastard.

    Ketamine, and it’s cousin esketamine, both work well for treatment resistant depression. Please ignore the “my faith healer sells me snake oil” comments and go with something that has been shown by actual science to be effective. I’m a therapist. Ketamine saves lives.

    Be well and keep believing.

  173. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  174. You deserve good things, lady. As Yoda says, Don’t try. Do.
    you’re tough, you’re funny, you’re a lot more resilient than you realize,
    and worth anything that makes you feel better about yourself.

  175. I feel ya sister – i’m right there with you and been reaching out considering the exact same thing! Something to get out of this blue and into the light. Hugs always:) XStacy

  176. I’m with you. I lose myself, lose my interests and my motivation. My husband is loving and supportive, but knows he can’t really help, so mostly he gives me space – which is usually the right thing, but not always. Treat yourself to what you need.

  177. Hang in there, you beautiful, magical unicorn. I am rooting for you! And hey, if the ketamine doesn’t quite work, psilocybin is now also showing really positive results for TRD. Hooray for special K and mushrooms??? <3 Much love, hang in there.

  178. Feeling the struggle. I just titrated down off my antidepressant (at the advice of my medical practitioner) and I’m just awful right now. I chose to do it because the old one put me just over the threshold of “okay”, but I never actually felt good or happy or any of that stuff for the past few years. I feel like I’m made of breaking glass and feathers and it’s all sort of loosely bound with rage at the fact that I can’t just be happy like a normal person. I have four days until my follow-up appointment and I just want to keep myself from boiling over right now.

  179. I’m pretty sure that feeling bad about feeling bad is counterproductive and it might even cause a wormhole to appear. Seriously, though, I know what you’re saying. I’m dealing with chronic pain and anxiety disorders and finally trying a daily SSRI at the ripe old age of 44, after resisting it for so long. I don’t know why I think I’m supposed to be more capable of controlling this than anyone else. 😀 We live on the thin edge of a double sided coin when we can access treatments … But we feel bad that we need them. We can only do what we can. Good luck, and know that your community loves and supports you.

  180. recently began the “new” TMS. Been doing it since mid June and, unless it’s all in my head……..(hope you realize that was sarcasm) I feel better already . If you would like their contact info – Phoenix mental health. Hope that’s allowed. All the best,Ronda

  181. My friend recommended you years ago and again just sent me a link to your blog. I’m 25 and have lost both my parents that I was very close to. Within the last year I was diagnosed with RA and started methotrexate for helping my RA. I read one of your books in the past and I have the new one but I’ve been busy with work and school I just don’t have as much energy to do basic tasks. I’m having a flare up with my RA and big depressive episode this past week that is making me feel so completely separated from myself. Doesn’t help that my dads death anniversary was this Friday marking 2 years since he passed. All I know so far is your words do help. So thank you. I don’t mean to trauma dump but I just wanted you to know why your words help. Thank you.

  182. I highly recommend ketamine infusion therapy! It wasn’t cheap (I refinanced my house so I had some extra cash), but I’ve been off antidepressants for over 7 months now. I still have ups and downs, but I wonder if antidepressants masked so much emotion that these are normal…? Or do I need a “booster” treatment? Who knows, but I hope you can do what’s best for you. Depression is a beast.

  183. I am sending you so many hugs. The things you need to do for yourself to take care of yourself are totally worth it. Your article makes me feel like I’m learning things too.

  184. You are worth it. I am worth it – that was hard for me to realize too.
    I have now been on regular Spravato treatment for 2 years and it literally saved my life. I would be dead without it. I also have treatment resistant depression. If you’d like more info on my experience, I would be happy to share with you. Feel free to reach out to me – I would be happy to share. I’m unsure how to give my contact info.

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