Adventures in ketamine. What it’s like to get way too high to try to cure your depression. (Part 1)


A month ago I was in a really dark place mentally and couldn’t get out. I considered TMS because it’s worked before (for about 9 months each time) but I didn’t have the energy to commit another 35 hours in the chair so instead I decided to try psychedelic ketamine therapy for treatment resistant depression. I wanted to write about it as I was doing it but I was…wait for it…too fucking depressed to make words work. That sounds ridiculous but it’s also ridiculous that our whole lives depend on brains that are basically just electric meat so maybe we should all stop being so judgey.

I finished my 6th ketamine session a week ago and today I finally feel like writing. And that is a very good sign. Want to know about how I got super crazy high to be moderately less sad? Of course you do.

I wish I could say that I was one of those people who went into full remission but it really just pulled me out of my super bad stupor and back into my normal, clinically-depressed-but-vaguely-functional self. It’s the difference between clinging to the couch and being too tired to breathe versus having enough energy to stand up in the shower. For those of you without depression who can’t relate, it’s like the difference between having a collapsed lung or having a really annoying head cold. But instead of it being obvious to everyone around you it shows up in your brain and hides so incredibly cunningly.

There are a ton of different types of ketamine therapies or practices and they each use different ways, methods and dosages. Some do it IV and some do injections. Some give you anti-anxiety meds that help keep you from disassociating and can also keep you from remembering some of the trip. Some couple the ketamine with talk therapy to help you recover from trauma and some put you in a dark room by yourself. Each clinic seems to think the other clinic is possibly doing it wrong and that’s probably because this is all still a bit experimental so if you’re thinking about doing it I suggest asking someone you love to help you find the right place for you because chances are if you are depressed enough that you’re considering paying hundreds of times the amount you would have paid for the same drug you could have gotten at a rave in 1992 that you maybe don’t have the energy to fully investigate all of the places near you to find the right one.

I chose a clinic my shrink recommended. They believe that the disassociation that can come with ketamine can actually be really helpful (rather than a bad side effect) because it can allow you to separate from yourself to view yourself more realistically so they don’t give you anti-anxiety meds unless the disassociation bothers you. Instead of IV ketamine they give injections into the muscle of your arm because they think that causes less nausea and the last thing you want when you’re super tripping on hallucinogens is to be projectile vomiting. They also gave me anti-nausea meds before each shot, which was nice.

So how does ketamine work? I’ve no fucking idea. Seriously. I just know that a lot of studies have shown it helps treatment-resistant depression, chronic pain and migraines. I have the first two so I thought I’d try it. The treatments weren’t covered by insurance but I could use my HRA and they cost about $300 each. (Prices vary A LOT by clinic.) Mine was on the cheaper side because I didn’t need talk therapy since my depression is chemical rather than trauma based. You typically get 6 sessions over two to three weeks and after that you can get touch-up sessions once every three months or so.

My first session. I’m put into a soft recliner in a small room. A tv shows videos of the aurora borealis and ocean creatures while pan flutes play. A laser-light thing straight from Spencer’s projects blue waves on the ceiling. The nurse gives me a shot of ketamine and leaves me alone but she assures me that she’ll be watching me on the camera and there’s a panic button I can hit if I need anything. I’m totally fine and I wonder how I’m supposed to spend a full hour being bored in a room. 5 minutes later my body has melted and I have entered another dimension. 10 minutes later the nurse comes back to give me another shot of ketamine and I try very hard to act like I’m not high at all and probably fail miserably.

I am off my face entirely and suddenly a (good) memory from 20 years ago that I thought was entirely gone came through as clear as if I was reliving it. The world separates. My mind explodes and I feel incredibly calm and flat, like my mind is sedimentary deposits under a river. Life and death seem removed and less scary. I suspect I’ve died and I’m concerned but too high to do anything about it. I hear a noise, like the sound of a jackhammer in slow-motion. There’s a growl under the world. I wonder if I’m hearing the mechanics of the earth turning. (I will hear this same noise every single session. Later I asked the nurse and she told me that about half of her patients say the same thing. That they hear a noise they’ve never heard before and that they can’t explain. Like explaining the color blue to someone who has never seen it. I ask her what it means and she shrugs, but in a very comforting way.)

I feel myself flatten out into one dimension and it’s so strange that I pull out my notes app to write this down but my fingers are now two feet long and spellcheck corrects what I try to write (“I am a flatness”) to “I am fat ass” which is not nearly as profound and slightly more insulting.

not a condom

The hour passes and the nurse comes in as I am starting to become slightly more three dimensional. She asks if anything came to me when I was having the session. “I don’t know why silent letters exist?” I say. She nods. “And I felt like I went on a trip to the afterlife in my mind. OMG, IS THAT WHY THEY CALL IT A PSYCHEDELIC TRIP?” I am a dumbass but they’re probably used to this. She gives me a giant blue vomit bag in case I feel sick on the way home. I carry it out to the waiting room where Victor is waiting to drive me home and he says, “Um…where did you go and why would you need that big of a condom?” I go home and sleep like the dead, which is actually a really nice side effect.

The next day I feel about as terrible as before but I did clean up a dead bug that’s been on the floor of my office for a week and that feels like a positive sign. And also a sign of just how exhausting depression is when I’d rather just walk over a dead beetle for a week rather than sweep it outside.

This is where I would write about my second trip, where everything goes really, really bad and I fall in a k-hole of existential dread but this is getting long and I’m a little tired so how about if we make this part one and I’ll share all the rest next time?

Also, if you’re currently considering ketamine and that last paragraph scares you just know that if you (like me) have the type of anxiety that makes you have a bad trip they can give you anti-anxiety meds that makes it so much better. That’s what I did after the second session and it made a big difference for me. (Spoilers. Sorry.) Also, I was way too out of it and exhausted to record anything of my first sessions but by the last one I was able to do some actual videos so that I can walk you through step by step because if you’re anything like me, seeing how it all works beforehand makes it very much less stressful. Of course, before I got used to the ketamine (as used to it as you can get) I did make a series of weird videos where I am trying VERY HARD to appear totally in control because I wanted to be like, “Whatever. I totally got this.” Upon further reflection (and review of these videos) it is clear that I do not in fact got this.

Case in point…this video from my third session after my first 60 mg shot but before my second 60 mg shot.

Also, I have to say that I am VERY proud that I never went live on Instagram while high but I do have to apologize to my friend Maile who received a lot of video messages from me while I thought I was having psychedelic breakthroughs and profound thoughts while I was actually just ranting about octopuses.

Sorry Maile.

89 thoughts on “Adventures in ketamine. What it’s like to get way too high to try to cure your depression. (Part 1)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Even your posts about crushing depression are funny as hell.

    I’ve never done any hallucinogenics because they TERRIFY me. I don’t know that I’d be as brave as you’ve been to go thru this treatment, but I’m glad you’re doing it and that it’s helping.

  2. Looking forward to your long strange trip to less depression experience. I hope the treatments make you feel better.
    I’m sure that the sharing of your experience helps other people too.
    I would probably have a octopus rant too, I love the aliens of the sea.They are so smart and interesting and we know so little about the lives of octopi and squid and their kin.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am contemplating a similar experience and hearing your honest experience is beyond helpful. xoxo

  4. This is an adorable trip. I really, really hope this gives you some relief. And good for you for picking up that bug! Seriously, I can’t even (out of shame) put forth all the nastiness I walk by these days because I just can’t.

  5. Pretty sure this looks a lot like when I accidentally overindulged in an edible. So hoping for long term good results for you! My friend had got them for back pain and it helped a lot. Sending you warm hugs 🙂

  6. My beloved went on his second ketamine journey yesterday through Mindbloom, which is oral esketamine done at home. I had him on our old baby monitor and transcribed what he said as he said it. He had a huge breakthrough and today is trying to integrate it all. Next week he’ll do his third dose.

  7. I would not be able to deal with flute music. I watch murder mysteries on PBS and there’s always time for a mini doc between shows. They play one about a National Recreation Area that starts with Native American flute music that makes me dive for the remote to mute it. Which, for some reason, really amuses my husband.

    Also, I think brains are more electrified gelatin than electric meat. Some days I’m very aware that I am electrified gelatin working my best to drive around a meat suit.

    I’m glad you are feeling a little better. I hope you continue to improve. Life is pretty cool when our brains aren’t sabatoging it.

  8. Like you, Ketamine wasn’t a cure all but did take the suicidal thoughts away and help me function. Nothing else (and I’ve tried it all) did that. It’s been 2 years now. Yup it’s expensive but considering it’s keeping me on this planet, I’ll continue getting it every six weeks.
    You’re an amazing person and I love every word you’ve written. You’re the strongest person I know!

  9. An old friend of mine wrote about his experiences last month. And it made me seriously want to look into this treatment, or enroll in a psilocybin trial. At the same time, I feel guilty for wanting to, because I am “normal” depressed right now, so why would i take a slot from someone who would really need it. Of course, I am about to start my really stressful job again, so I bet the crisis comes when I really cannot afford to have it… I will however look forward to your future entries. Because I finally am starting to accept that being depressed ALL the time is no way to live, and the data looks good, but first person accounts also help me be less treatment resistant. If being in denial and opposition can be paraphrased as “resistant.”

  10. Best success with this Special K journey. I fight so hard for control with altered state therapies, ugh. Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you find relief.

  11. Thank you so much for sharing this. I was considering it but at minimum $550 a treatment at a place where they do 8-9 treatments… yeah, no. And of course insurance won’t cover it. Wishing you the best as you continue on this weird/good journey.

  12. Thank you for sharing with us!

    I’m looking into ketamine therapy for me. I’m considering doing it with a company called Mindbloom that uses oral ketamine and works with you virtually so you can do it at home. One of the reasons I like their therapeutic model is that they work with you to set intentions prior to the experience and then help with integration after. I think it’s the integration that helps with the negative thought loops we tend to have when we are depressed.

    I hope you continue to feel better! 💕

  13. Thanks for the update! It’s interesting to see the differences between different clinics and different, opinions, and methods.

    I do my ketamine for chronic pain, they are IV infusions where they infuse the medication over a period of 4 hours. Because my infusions are for pain, the dose is much higher. They started me at 500mg and have gone up, my last infusion 650mg. They always give me anti-anxiety, anti-nausea, and benedryl through the IV. I had two bad, panic situations – session 2 and 4 so far. These treatments run me $600 each.

    The downside, is that we are finding that my body chews through the medications, so it looks like the time between doses for myself is a max of 3-4 weeks. We’ve been trying to figure it out, so I did a more ‘mental health’ strength dose of 200mg (1 hours infusion), which was amazing and boosted my mood, but did nothing from pain. So, it’s a journey.

    I hope that as you keep at it, you’ll find more relief!

  14. In a bizzare way your description of your treatment was quite funny, for which I thank you for sharing. I do send you many well wishes towards improvement on recovery from depression. 😘🐰♥️

  15. They are trialing low dose kétamine on kids with ADNP syndrome in NYC and I have high hopes that it will help the genes express the protein my son needs to develop.

  16. So glad you are sharing this. It’s a thing I’ve thought about trying. Stoned you is adorable.

  17. My clinic does IV infusions in a dark room, you can use their headphones and music players (hard pass) or use it as an excuse to buy a new iPod. (I don’t like streaming. I like music that doesn’t get interrupted or deleted or rely on an insecure wifi connection.) Not that I would consider such a thing but it has a really cute dinosaur case that was like $6 on Amazon.

    ANYWAY. I have had a similar result. I did 10 treatments in 5 weeks, 5 more over 5 weeks, and now go every 3-4 weeks. I’m off the max doses of Wellbutrin and Cymbalta and back to 20 mg of good old-fashioned Prozac. I take showers on workdays. I can usually make myself do things like laundry and cleaning cat boxes. I still struggle a little, but I’m not struggling nearly as badly, and to me, that’s worth it. The only thing I hate is that I don’t have a readily available driver, and the Uber rides to the clinic cost as much as the appointment. (I’m hopeful they will open a clinic closer to my house.)

    It actually did pretty much cure my friend’s depression, and she bugged the living fuck out of me until I made an appointment. The clinic I use also does the esketamine (Spravato) nose spray thing, but the doctor says that, if your insurance covers it, the IV infusions are better because they can tweak the dose more easily. They’re also playing around with using ketamine for chronic pain. I met with the doctor who does that, but he said that if it’s not nerve-based pain, it’s not going to work… in other words, if you’ve done that many infusions for depression and it hasn’t done shit for your pain, it isn’t going to.

    I’m so glad you’re getting better. And I also approve the anti-nausea medicine – I get my little phenergan booster every time because I get motion sickness. I’m interested to read more about how your clinic does it. <3

  18. I notice that your eyebrows are raised really high in the video, and that makes me think you will have a headache afterward. But I hope this works for you.

  19. Today I learned (from your video) that Jenny on ketamine sounds more Texan than Jenny not on ketamine. 🙂

    Also thank you Jenny for naming that your depression is chemical. For me, I do have some trauma in my life, however it is frustrating when my seasonal mood symptoms come up predictably as the sun goes south, and some well-meaning people get all focused on how there must be some deep unconscious process making me depressed. Like, get me to the tropics and then we can talk about your psychological theories.

  20. Thank you for posting this. I had a similar dose of Ketamine a couple of years ago, for a medical procedure, and I apparently really over-react to the stuff. It’s as if they had given me a many, many times stronger dosage, and the effects were not good, to put it mildly. I was not even expecting a hallucinogen at all, just a mild sedative. It’s helpful for me to see you tripping, but still able to sit up, look around, talk and even make videos. I think that’s the effect that I was supposed to have, and somehow seeing it helps.

  21. You are super brave. I am scared spitless of ketamine treatment, and your description didn’t help me much. I think the problem is probably that I am afraid of losing control of myself. I am wired pretty tight. That is why, as a teenager in the 60’s I was the person who remained sober while the rest of my friends went tripping. In a huge depressive funk right now…even so I’m too frightened of it to try. Thanks for sharing your most vulnerable self. Love Always. <3

  22. I hope it works for you. I recently had ketamine for a rough two hour ambulance ride down Hwy. 1 (Pacific Coast) and over the mountains to the ER with a smashed tibial plateau. The fentanyl wasn’t working that well so they gave me a shot of ketamine to help me dissociate from the pain. They said it might make me feel a little disoriented at first. In fact, I became certain that I was coding and that any moment they would get the paddles out to shock my heart into starting up again, and I had to keep pushing this vision of a Satanic face out my brain. WTF. When it finally started wearing off the EMT said “She seemed to tolerate the ketamine well”. I said, “That’s because you weren’t in my brain!” Acid trip from hell, actually. So permanently off of my list of fun things to do. 8 screws, a wad of silly putty, a metal plate, and three months (followed by several months of physical therapy) in a wheelchair later I’m doing fine, though.

  23. “It’s the difference between clinging to the couch and being too tired to breathe versus having enough energy to stand up in the shower.”

    I’m so sorry you know this same struggle. And also, thank you for helping folks like me feel less alone about it, by writing about it. 💕

    Also, I have all three–migraines, chronic pain, and treatment resistant depression. I don’t know that Medicaid would cover ketamine though. It sounds amazing, though! I hope it becomes more widely available, and I’m so glad you’re able to take advantage of it now. 💕 Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

  24. How do you not fall asleep? You look so sleepy.
    Also, when you mentioned that the nurse said a bunch of the patients experienced a growling from below…..what if everyone is hearing like….that thing from Lord of the Rings?! The Balrog? The thing that Gandolf fights when he yells “You shall not pass!”
    You guys could be hearing something that humans have long since lost the ability to hear!!
    High people have superpowers?!

    Elizabeth- (no, I’m not tripping…I just have a weird brain! )

  25. In MA, at MGH, BCBS pays for IV ketamine transfusions.
    I’ve had two series, one before I had BCBS insurance and paid $550/session for about 8 sessions, and it emptied my HSA and then some, but while I never kept out of the chair post infusion or out of bed the next day in order to click me heels in the air from the utter and full remission of it, I climbed a bit further up out of my mental grave each infusion after about infusion 4. Before infusion 4, my husband kept telling me he was so glad it was working. The only thing that stopped me from removing his left kidney and mailing it on ice to someone who needs a transplant is that I know it is wicked crazy super common and a good prognosticator for loved ones to notice improvement first. Because, and this seems counter-evolutionary to me, but many people, when they come out of a depression move more, at a more regular speed for them, talk more, with vocal inflection and sometimes even spontaneously. They (we/me) fucking SMILE without knowing it and not feeling happy- because the goddam brain lags behind the very body it is controlling, in recovery from depression. So the brain is like “fuck, yeah, wave to that person.” “Legs, move and get her off the couch. We’ll make her bitch the entire goddam time, but legs, go for a walk with your husband” it even commands itself: “Broca! Wernicke! Liven it up! Understand what people say and find the words to sensibly reply! Pip pip! We’ve got a body to recover. Limbic system, quit your bitching. You come LAST! You ALWAYS respond last in recovery”
    So others notice all this shit, then one day YOU notice” “Good lord, I just picked up my dirty socks! And put them in the hamper- without feeling tragic! Let’s see…” and for me by the 8th, I wasn’t in full remission but it didn’t hurt to breathe or maintain posture… or consciousness. I could access a wider range and depth of positive emotions. And it was fucking expensive, but for me, I had decided, somehow without my brain realizing, that I now had a shelf life. Rather, the “me+unremitting guilt, dread and sorrow” combo had a shelf life. I couldn’t clearly read my “use by” date, but without knowing I’d done it, I’d decided I would not look down an interminable hallway of this depression. I would at some point stop living. On purpose. By an action I took. I’m trying not to use shocking or triggering language but I don’t know 99.99% of the audience, so I hope I was both clear and not triggering.

    But, no one should wait until it’s do or die. That fallacy was 100% mine and equally inaccurate. If you have a tough to treat depression, and are considered to be a good ketamine candidate, do it now. You might need half as many as you would if you wait til you’re sure you deserve it.

    I see the music in my carefully curated to be not sad or creepy playlist- I see my music as wallpaper when I close my eyes during an infusion.

    If you try it and need to barf, yell “Zofran! 4 mg IV, barfing imminent!!!”

    If you try it and you get scared say whatever you feel like, loud enough and often enough until a clinician comes in. Most will see without you saying that you are freaked the fuck out. Ativan IV burns like hell, but some anesthesiologists are super nice and put the dose in a syringe along with saline. Then it doesn’t burn. And burn is just the sensation. It’s not actually damaging you. And it’s only a few seconds. But only douche canoes don’t mix it with saline, because that takes even less time.

    If you try it and someone suggests you enter a dark room, tell them, yes, I know you’re a doctor, you say it like it’s your actual first name, but HELL NO! I’m not doing it. I want a comfortable quiet destiny laying safe place, not sensory fucking deprivation. And they can’t make you. You consented your ketamine. You didn’t consent to obey someone else’s batshit ideas.

    Good luck to you all, depressed or not, considering ketamine or not.

    And people never have a “best by” date. That was more shot my depressed self hid in a corner and told itself without my brain vetting it. My depressed self knew my brain would have called bullshit on that idea.

  26. Scientists can’t figure out how octopi evolved the way they did in the amount of time they did, and I read an article last week that they think they may have come from some kind of alien thing that rode to earth on a meteor.
    I am impressed that you were able to film anything even remotely understandable while you were tripping.

  27. You should get a ketamine sponsorship, like a NASCAR driver. When you get dosed up, you have on hats & jackets featuring all of the best antidepressant psychedelic brands. Maybe an octopus hat with a GoPro hidden in it too…then we can go on a Jenny adventure with you?

  28. Thank you for sharing this! Ketamine is an incredible medication that can do so much good!!

    I run a nonprofit that researches the use of ketamine in treating a new subtype of bipolar disorder in kids. Our patients use ketamine as an intranasal spray and they do not experience the psychedelic effects, just the improved mood and reduced anxiety. The dose is low and it’s administered slowly and they can do it at home without any major side effects at all. It is literally transforming lives.

    I can’t wait for more people to accept how valuable this medication can be in treating so many disorders.

  29. Oh Jenny, that was incredible. I am so proud of you to do the Rx and write about it, the good the bad and the ugly and the GOOD! Love you

  30. First: HUGS!!! Second: ‘too depressed to make words work’ is so freaking relatable. I’m a (non-professional) writer and yeah that’s definitely an issue. Third: ‘Electric meat’ is an awesome way to describe our weird brains (and also maybe an awesome band name?).

    This all sounds really strange and interesting and I honestly can’t even imagine it even though I just read this post and watched that video (also, yes, jellyfish are totally aliens). I’ve never been high though so maybe that’s why it all seems so foreign to me. But I’m SO glad it seems like it’s helped you. You are so important and wonderful.

  31. I did ketamine therapy 2 years ago. After the initial 6 sessions, I felt better but not totally out from the hole I was in, just like you. I had a booster a week later, then 6 months later, then I went a whole year.

    I have low dose lozenges that I take every few weeks, and I’m by no means “cured,” but my lows are not nearly as low, and I’m able to sort of disassociate without it now (in a good way) to step back and gain perspective. I actually call my lozenges “little doses of perspective.” I’ll say to my husband “IM GETTING SOME PERSPECTIVE FOR THE NEXT HOUR!”

    I absolutely love my ketamine doctor. He’s also an ER dr and is honestly one of the coolest, caring people I’ve ever met.

    He also knows a TON about the science of it, and I’ve learned so much. Basically the reason I’ve needed it less and less is because it literally unwinds trauma buried in your brain. When you put someone on ketamine in an MRI their brain LIGHTS UP because it all becomes active, and it’s thought the physical process of that happening allows you to make connections for your trauma that might otherwise take YEARS of talk therapy to make. I recommended it to my friend when she fell off the wagon again for alcohol abuse, and she literally said “This is the first time I’ve felt hope in what seems like my whole life.”

    This needs to be covered by insurance. It’s crazy expensive, but could help so many people!

    I also agree with you that every clinic is different, some more reputable than others. It’s also by no means a “cure-all,” and isn’t right for some people. But it was absolutely the right choice for me, and I hope in 2 years you’ll feel the same way!

  32. We have those giant blue puke bags stashed all over the house, but for an entirely different reason. They give them to you in the oncology ward. It’s been handy to have them several times as we would have had giant messes. My friend, who works in oncology, calls them the blue elephant condoms!

  33. Jenny, I really, really hope this gives you the relief you deserve. Someone I know entered a ketamine trial a few years ago. She had to go into the hospital for three days where she received her infusions via IV and then was violently ill for two days. Ill to the point where she couldn’t walk from her bed to the bathroom unaided. The nausea and vomiting were horrible but the relief she felt once they went away was absolutely stunning. She said she realized that she hadn’t not been depressed for a lot longer than she’d thought, at first. And she felt very good, after. Like she had a renewed life, without the paralyzing sadness and fear she’d struggled with for so long. The trial went on for about a year, with her returning to the hospital about every 4-6 weeks for another fun-filled weekend that was absolutely worth going through. Unfortunately, after the trial ended, she couldn’t afford to keep going with the treatment and, eventually, her depression returned and she had to go back to using ECT, the only thing that gave her any sense of relief by at least pushing her suicidal thoughts away for awhile.

    I hope your results are what you hope for, and that they last!

  34. Bah! *electric meat* best phrase of the year. I did 5 sessions of KAP (ketamine-assisted psychotherapy) without anti-anxiety meds, so, total disassociation. Which was amazing b/c I got relief from my own persistent self-loathing thoughts (and migraines). That Johns-Hopkins playlist was RAD and so is my doc. I think my post-KAP experience has been somewhat like Betty’s, but the lozenges started to make me barf. I have found psilocybin to be gentler for me, but not nearly as mind-altering. Jenny, I wish the WORLD for you. I hope this helps you!

  35. Was I the only one watching the video who was hearing Jenny say the things she said a few seconds before she actually said them in real-time? If it was real and intentional, kudos to adding to the experience! (Maybe I had the video playing in two tabs?)

    In any case, Jenny, I’m right there with you in the dark, and I’m glad to hear that things are not as awful for you. I look forward to hearing more about your experience. I have one more antidepressant drug to try, if my insurance approves it, and then I’ve run through pretty much everything I’m willing to take.

  36. My very first thought before watching the video was “wouldn’t it be cheaper just to get some LSD and have someone watch you?” But I suspect there would be less control. So forget that idea.

    My second comment is that underwater jellyfishes are not aliens, but the UFO jellyfishes in the sky, seen on Paranormal Caught on Camera, are aliens. Watch the skies, Jenny! But not alone.

    But seriously, I really hope this is helping you. I am going through some rough times right now, but the cost of this treatment is not something I can afford.

    Love you!!! ♥️

  37. I hope this helps you! I did acid every day in highschool (68-72). To be honest it probably saved my life as I was enduring daily trauma in a very fucked up violent home situation. Haven’t touched it since.

  38. I love that in the video you can see when you remember you have to breathe 😂

  39. Jenny,

    Thank you for sharing your ketamine experiences; I’m looking forward to reading the rest.I agree with what others said: you are exceptionally strong and brave. Like others, I have had ketamine suggested for me, but because I usually react strongly and/or strangely to medications, I am very hesitant. It’s also been helpful to read other people’s experiences; thanks to everyone who has shared.

    I think, though, that you’re wrong about the jellyfish. My theory is that what we perceive as jellyfish are really the alien *spacecraft* and that, if we knew for what we were looking, we would see little aliens riding around inside. Maybe the ketamine treatments will eventually allow you to make first contact.


  40. As a psych RN who has not had experience with ketamine yet, I am so grateful to you for sharing this!

  41. Thank you for sharing this! I’d love to know how it works for your chronic pain.

    Also, it’s my fervent wish the MDMA will be approved for therapeutic use in the next few years. I’m a person who has a difficult time being vulnerable and talking about my trauma, even to my best friend, and my experiences on MDMA have been the best of my life.

  42. Well, I was considering this until you said “disassociative state”. I spent a month like that after my nervous breakdown and that is not a place I want to go ever again. Hard pass. lol

    I hope it’s working well for you!

  43. Jenny, wow, thank you for sharing. You do a helluva lot of good in this world.

  44. I have been taking nasal inhalation ketamine because it is what my insurance covers. Because I suffer from very extreme anxiety, I thought it was causing my depression. I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I started the ketamine and it began to work. I started it almost a year ago and I think I will have to take it forever but it is worth it for the improvement in how I feel.

  45. I hope this has lasting effects for you. I don’t have issues with depression, just anxiety, and have it very well controlled. Finding that magic bullet is so vital. Good luck!!

  46. So, I’m going to a new therapist today. Battling my own ridiculous depression. But your honesty and ability to share helps me not feel so alone. Just wanted to thank you. I sincerely hope that these treatments work for you.

  47. I am so glad to see these posts. I just recently finished my 6-treatment series, and I don’t know anyone else who has done it, so I haven’t felt like I can really talk about it with anyone. I was so interested to see how different your clinic was – in mine, it’s a totally normal room, couple of pieces of “rustic” decor that appear to have come from the official therapist’s office supply catalog, but no television or light displays. If you want music, you bring it yourself, although they have a lovely Spotify playlist they’ve put together and recommend.

    And _not once_ did it occur to me to do anything but stay flat in the recliner and keep my eyes closed. Which in retrospect seems very strange.

  48. I was mildly curious about ketamine, but I lost interest after what police did to Elijah McClain.

  49. This sounds amazing. I fear I am too controlling to undergo something like this.

    Also, I’ve decided your friend Maile is my high school geometry teacher from 20 years ago. It makes for a nice image.

  50. I came upon this book entitled, “This Is Your Brain on Food,” by Uma Naidoo. Thought it might be helpful. I’ve always found a good selection of food can work wonders in preventing/treating many ailments. Just trying to help in a miniscule way.🤗



  51. Agree with commenter 31, I’ve never really heard your accent until this video. The lights/video look pretty relaxing, but the music seems a wee bit doomy, but hey if it works. Hopefully the treatments helped, I’d actually missed this post somehow, so nice surprise to see a new one

  52. When I was going to raves I used to use ketamine to take the adrenaline rush edge off the mdma because I have anxiety and coming up on mdma could be a bit intense. My friend was very cautious about not giving me too much. 10/10 highly recommended joyful bliss

    Later I took a way too much ketamine when my friend wasn’t there and after I left the party and went home I could still hear everyone at the party talking. 1/10
    Don’t drink and K, children.

  53. It is so awesome that you are willing to explore such new and arguably out there treatments. In case you would like another back-pocket alternative option, psilocybin (mushrooms) have also been shown to be highly effective in enough of a population of treatment-resistant chronic depression patients that it has finally come to the U.S. I haven’t looked more into it, but I know Oregon has this available.

  54. I just want to say thanks, you’re like Lewis and Clark or an astronaut or Marco Polo going out into the scary uncharted waters and reporting back. I know if I ever have to swim these same seas it’s probably (definitely) not going to be exactly the same but it’s enormously y comforting to know what I can maybe expect and that someone else survived the trip before me and that there is a path thru this mental health jungle I’m lost in. Is that enough mixed metaphores?

  55. Thank you so much for posting about this. I’m in a very bad place right now and I’m considering this treatment. I can’t get it directly from my GP – I guess I have to get a prescription from a psychiatrist? I don’t have the strength to do homework for a psy so a friend is helping with that. I mean, I don’t remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth, so looking up psys and clinics and comparing prices is beyond my right now.

    Anyway thank you again. You are giving me some hope.

  56. I use the nasal spray Spravato (for those who want sinus pain along with their drugs). It did work for me and I felt better for a while. I ended my first set just before Covid hit, so it really didn’t stand a chance with that onslaught. I had booster treatments after the biggest risks went down, and now I just started booster treatments again because I got down again. I also take antidepressants with the medicine.

    One thing I will say about the treatment is that it really does seem to make new connections. My creativity jumped quite a bit, and I’m hoping to finally write the book series I first started planning decades ago. It’s like it unblocked something in me. It also has helped with anxiety, because I handled Christmas at my in-laws amazingly well (and they are – really something). Anyway, the nasal spray is the only one available with most insurance, and it has helped. I just wish it would last.

    Also, Policy Chick (not sure how to respond just to you) I get the not showering or brushing teeth. I can now plot five books in my head at times, but still haven’t conquered that. I hope it works for you and me.

  57. I left a comment on your instagram post, but as I stated there, I really hope this works for you. I have GAD, chronic depression, and chronic pain (intense right now due to a bad fall a week ago), so I’m going to ask my doc about ketamine. Prayers for you. Following your experience. You’re very much loved and we’re all cheering for you.

  58. Your breakthrough about Jellyfish being aliens was fantastic. I’m really glad the therapy is working for you! It’s amazing how many things that have been written off as just drugs for getting high are being looked at again and found to have a bunch of actual benefits, especially in regards to mental wellness.

  59. That music alone would have me literally crawling up the walls. I couldn’t even watch the whole video because my skin started to crawl. Ketamine has been suggested for me but I can’t afford it and I don’t think I’d do well. I don’t even like how I feel after smoking weed. My doc is finally sending me for Neuropsychiatric testing to see if the head trauma my ex-husband inflicted is contributing to my issues. Hope we find out something useful.

  60. I’ve had clinical depression, PTS and anxiety my entire life after an abusive childhood. I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to try ketamine, I’m a big baby with meds that make you feel out of it but I’m glad you found something that helps.

    I will say I told my husband I need a tshirt that says “my electrical meat is malfunctioning” and he said “babe people will think your vibrator broke” and my daughter said it gives a whole new meaning to brain zaps 🤣🤣😘

  61. You’re extra Texan when you are high. 😉

    (When I’m high, drunk or angry my accent comes out. ~ Jenny)

  62. A friend of mine just sent me a link to this. I’m going in for my first infusion this morning. Thanks for sharing your experience. It means so much, and it’s helped to ease the anxiety today. 😊

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