If you accidentally got here by googling “hot, horny coeds” you’re going to be disappointed.

So I was outside walking Dorothy Barker while holding my phone to turn on the podcast I’d been listening to and didn’t think anything about the fact that it was about the phone sex industry in the 90s until my neighbor walked out of their house right as a sultry-sounding woman loudly said, “If you’re calling for hot, horny coeds, press one now. Then stick it in. Your credit card, that is” and I realized it looked like I was calling a phone sex line…on speaker phone…with my dog…outside. And then I decided to never leave the house again but turns out leaving the house isn’t even necessary to mortify myself because right after that I was on a zoom call with a book club and I was answering a really serious question right when Victor decided to use the soda stream to make carbonated water and if you have one you know that it makes a series of incredibly loud, wet fart noises when you inject the carbonation into the water and so I had to explain to everyone listening that I did not just fart loudly four times in succession and they were like, “Hey, it’s a judgement free zone” and that is really nice but also probably code for, “We totally don’t believe you and also we heard about the public phone sex, you big freak.”

And that’s how my week is going.

You?

58 thoughts on “If you accidentally got here by googling “hot, horny coeds” you’re going to be disappointed.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Now I have to Google and find the podcast about ‘90’s phone sex lines..

    (It’s Operator, from Wondery.) ~ Jenny)

  2. Bawhahaha thank you I needed that. I’m having a really bad depression episode have called out of work all week (at this point no f’s give about that I was literally losing my mind) but this post made me laugh my a$$ off. Even in the middle of chaos and that’s why you’re one of my favorite people ever. Ps next time just yell at Victor for farting and everyone will think it’s him when he try’s to deny it ;0)

  3. Between this light hearted post about ridiculousness and my husband dancing to “I’m too Sexy ” very theatrically… I needed both of those so much. It’s been a morning of stupid tears where I’m just upset about stupid holiday things with my family.

  4. OMG you are hilarious and you brighten my day every time you post anything. Thanks for being you 🙂 Humor makes everything better.

  5. You made my day. I did not know that making bubbly water sounded like farts. But now i know what to get my dearest friend who struggles to surpress her farts in public. Now when she releases she can say “moi? No, im just making carbonated water “

  6. Oh you make me laugh Jenny! Always when I need it too because the last couple of days have been crappy. I had a gas leak in my house yesterday so the heat’s been off since then. Then I plugged in a space heater this morning and blew 2 fuses which apparently can’t just be replaced (I tried several different types) and have to wait for an electrician to come tomorrow so until then, I have no lights in my kitchen either…Needed a good laugh thanks 🙂

  7. I just started listening to the same podcast!!
    At work.
    On wireless earbuds.
    The whole time I was terrified my phone would randomly disconnect from the earbuds and my entire office would hear heavy breathing and sultry voices coming from my desk. I would have to quit immediately and move to a different country… or just die of embarrassment.

  8. My wife fell down the front stairs on Tuesday and broke her wrist and has a huge hematoma on her leg. She can’t walk so I am trying to figure out how I am going to take care of her when she gets out of the hospital. She already has a screwed up knee that she is waiting for surgery on. I have a screwed up back and I have constant pain.Sounds like fun,right?’I am actually terrified. I am having a very,very bad week!!

  9. I feel like your entire life consists of those ‘you’ll never believe what just happened’ moments that some people have like a handful of times over the years but that’s just your whole life. I’ve been caught talking to myself while walking my dog, but nothing like this, lol!

    How is my week going? Well, had a dr appt yesterday and I’m being put back on an antidepressant I used to take long ago, to see if it helps more combined with the one I’ve been taking for the last few years. It’s one of those situations where I know a lot of my current depression is being triggered by Life Stuff but I’m just hoping to get a little boost to be able to deal with the Life Stuff without actually breaking down.

  10. I looked in the refrigerator (AND freezer) last night, when I couldn’t find my cat, Orbit. That’s the kind of week I am having.

  11. My dad offered to start my car when we were covered in frost earlier this week, and it started blaring a recovery podcast. Hi Dad! I have a drinking problem!

  12. Just so you know: a whale can make a fart bubble big enough to fit a horse inside. Vital information.

  13. I can just about imagine! 😂 I listen to mine sans earbuds while doing dishes and feeding cats in the early morning before anyone else is awake. That one would surely wake some folks in this house right up!! 😂😂😂

    As for my week–it’s a week with days that end in y. Many cats around, lack of pain meds by some gremlin in the system, extra migraine due to weather changes. But hey, I get to see my mom next week! And we’ve been putting up Christmas things. 🎄😸

  14. I used to BE a phone sex girl on the 90s and let me tell you it was good money!
    And by golly I was the best damn phone sex girl I could be.

  15. Awesome way to freak out your neighbors!
    I just bend over in yoga pants that are see through if you bend over or squat while I’m trying to fill the bird feeders, hoping nobody walks by my condo unit while I’m doing so. They are super comfortable around the house, so I don’t want to get rid of them.
    Why oh why don’t yoga and lounge pants manufacturers stretch tests their pants for see-through-ness before approving a fabric? Just saying….

  16. My 16-year-old daughter came in from behind, and asked what I was doing…then she saw my screen and the blog title. She said, “Don’t google that topic when I am around!”

  17. I decided to leave the house the other day, too. Silly me! I was walking home from getting a booster, and feeling good about life. I walked past an acquaintance’s very mellow craft beer type bar, a place where I loved to read (your books included!) and imbibe in the beforetimes. It was really empty and the bartender was masked. I think, “Awesome! Now is my chance to feel a little ‘normal.'”

    I’m into my first beer, when we hear distant alarms. That’s not uncommon in the downtown area of a small college town. Then we hear the sound of torrential rain. Someone had set off the fire sprinklers in the building above, and it was literally pouring rain in another room of the bar! We moved some art, so it wouldn’t get destroyed, and vacated the joint. Needless to say, I’m not going out again anytime soon, lol. That’s what happens when I leave the house!

    In good news, they got the place cleaned, mopped, and reopened by the next afternoon, so it seems there was no lasting damage, except to my psyche. Yay!

  18. Thanks for the laugh! And congratulations! The email right before this announced that your book has been nominated for best humor in 2021! So well deserved!

  19. Ok I feel like I need to chime in. I usually don’t leave comments, but I can SO relate to my phone trying to publicly mortify me. I work on an ambulance and I get stuck in close quarters with another person for and entire shift. I know, *shudder* I’ve learned to deal. So I’m googling random shit like normal, “do Australian construction workers wear short shorts”, or “what is the nutritional value of semen”? I mean, some of those porn stars have GOT to have salt intake problems. Diuretics anyone? Turns out it’s a mild antidepressant which I vehemently disagree with and feel that a man made up that study to get a BJ from a chick. But I digress. That day I googled “what happens when you stick your penis in a pineapple ring?”
    Google decided to SPEAK THE ANSWER OUT LOUD! Of course I have it set to a British accent so I’m like, “shut the fuck up google, HR is going to fire us both you pretentious asshat.”
    If you’re wondering what British Google’s response was:
    “The hairs remind you of the pricks on a pineapple, resulting in a pineapple penis. ‘ … In this scenario, a man slides his penis through a pineapple slice and then has sex with a woman. The idea is that the juice from fruit will act as a clitoral stimulant, as well as add a tasty flavour to the dick.”
    My coworker turns to look at me with this “what the fuck is wrong with you?” look on his face. I just shrug. Like, “kids these days”.
    So I feel for you. You can hide from neighbors. I cannot hide from my coworkers.

  20. This post reminds me of that thing you used to do where you shared a big ‘ol list of the Google searches that brought people to your page. Nothing makes me more giggly than those lists. Can you do that again sometime, pretty please and thank you?

  21. So your phone story reminded me of when I worked for a bank where our customer service number was one digit off from a sex line. A customer called for a balance after hours and my manager accidentally gave them the wrong number. I was the “lucky” person that had to talk to them when they called back.

  22. O.M.G the Soda Stream noise!! We do have one and it really does make the most obnoxious sound lol!! I’m cry-laughing at your description! Does yours also do an extra long toot at the end that sounds like after the big toots the Soda Stream is now deflating? Like FSSSSS-shhhhhh!?
    I also cracked up over the phone sex podcast part!

  23. What can I say? You make the most mortifying scenarios humorous. My brother and I were making bad jokes a couple years ago when I had brain surgery (Losing marbles, bats in belfry, etc.) and he said “Well in our family that is how we survive — by laughing.” So I think you must be a member of our family…

  24. I realize that for professional reasons you need to live your life in such a way as to generate the maximum number of humorous incidents. You have to have something funny to write about to balance all the grim health stuff (which you manage to make funny but is still grim underneath). BUT, if you’re actually serious about this problem of broadcasting your podcasts all over the neighborhood (if you figure there are enough humorous incidents that you can afford to forgo these ones), get a one-ear headphone aka mono headset (insert “mono” jokes here). You can listen to the podcast in privacy with one ear and listen for bad guys, ghosts, dragons, etc. coming up behind you with the other ear. I don’t have a suggestion for the carbonation device.

  25. Had a moment when I read that as “hot, horny toads” which tracked in an entirely different way.

  26. In my house, I’m required to shout, “Setlzing!” before using the soda stream. Makes me feel like I’m operating heavy machinery.

    Also, one would think that the day after upping my welbutrin dosage would be a great, energized day to finish and submit my grad school application. That energy was entirely anxious energy. Yet, here we are and my application has been submitted.

  27. 22. Shelagh, there is someone in Long Beach, CA, USA thinking of you and hoping for the best.

  28. 😆😆😆. Just wrapped up the Soda Stream for my hubby for a Christmas so I have a lot to look forward to now!

  29. I used to work for Adam & Eve. So many funny stories. Mostly, I remember waving at this woman in the IT department every morning. I got in a snit because she never waved back. It turns out she was a blow-up sex doll. Oops.

  30. Understand your partner better by knowing the right tip to read Body Language. These tips will not help your read the body language but also help you improve your relationship.

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