And there’s another shop I can’t go back to.

in Random Crap

I’ve been looking for one of those “C” shaped nesting nightstands so that I can work in bed because I am incredibly lazy, but the ones I’ve found come in sets for some reason and I just need one so I went to a furniture consignment shop and the couple working there were like, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” and in my head I said, “I’m looking for just one of a certain type of nightstand” but for some reason instead I loudly said, “I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A CERTAIN TYPE OF ONE NIGHT STAND” and then there was silence and instead of explaining I just said, “Well, shit” and walked out and that’s just one more shop I can never go back to.

PS. As I was writing this I’ve just realized that I’d been googling “nesting table” because in my head the table nests up against the bed but actually a “nesting table” implies that it nests inside another table and so basically the reason why I couldn’t find one that wasn’t a set was because I was literally asking for a set. So I brought this on myself in every fucking way.

86 thoughts on “And there’s another shop I can’t go back to.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I adore you. That’s the kind of crap I do on the daily, but I’m not funny. Just my brains are scrambled from chemo in 2002! Keep sharing. I love it.

  2. WHY WHY WHY don’t I work retail in your town??! This would have made my retail career. Okay, scratch that–I do not want to work retail again, so I’ll just enjoy it from your post.

  3. OfferUp always has those kind of tables in spades. They’re generally used for couches, so make sure you ask the height and make sure it will fit over your bed AND your legs. Try keywords “side table” and maybe add “slide” and see what you get. 😉

  4. It’s not like “nightstand” is really a term that I feel safe to use in public anyhow.

  7. HAHAHAHA that is great!!! Thank you for posting this awesome fail. I have COVID despite allll the precautions and feel crummy. This made me smile.

  8. I am deeply sorry for your mortification, but now I know I need one night stand, too. I DO wish you’d told them you like to work in bed, though. Because they’d have loved that.

  9. I announced loudly to the other people in the pool today that I need a breast. Not a break, nor a rest, both of which I tried to say. And I said this while wearing a bathing suit that definitely emphasizes my large rack. Then I dove under the water determined never to re-emerge.

  11. Running out asap is the right reaction in that situation. And! I bought that exact table above from world market at the beginning of the pandemic.

  12. Does it need to be pretty? You can buy the nice rolling hospital-style over bed tables online for about $100

  13. Really? You had that beautiful line and you just turned around and left? If I make that mistake I play it for what I can, knowing I’ve left the salesperson with a fantastic story to tell. Then I’d wait a year before going back.

  14. When I was a teenager, my mom and I went to a mattress store to get a mattress for the trundle bed under my day bed. The salesman suggested a “youth” mattress which isn’t as thick as a regular mattress but my mom heard something different and in a very hauty voice said “We don’t want a “used” mattress!” I was so embarrassed lol.

  16. Went for raw dog bones at the butcher shop and because everyone in my hub’s family always asks the dogs “who wants a boner?” when giving them out, I looked the butcher man dead in the eye and asked if he had any boners. When his look clued me in I started sputtering about dog boners, that didn’t come out any better, finally all but yelling marrow bones! And that is why I can’t go to the fancy butcher shop in town. My husband thinks this is the funniest thing ever……I don’t!

  19. It’s all about which word you stress! I’m looking a certain kind of ONE night stand. Instead of I’m looking for a certain kind of one-night Stand. One is furniture and the other is a proposition!

  20. Yep. Have had that happen. But I get it. As you gracefully perch (Not Laze) in bed, the table nests against you.

  21. At the big box store, I called loudly to my husband that I was looking for a hose guide for the corner of the flower bed. He said ‘Huh?’ and I said, more loudly still, ‘It’s about six inches long with a big knob at the end of it’ and now I can never go back there, either.

  22. I told a hairdresser once that a simple blow job didn’t work on my hair. Don’t feel bad.

  23. If you want a really nice-sized one, get one like they use in hospitals. Thrift stores often have them, or you can check with medical supply stores and see if they have second-hand ones. I totally understand getting words backwards. For me, it’s not being able to remember simple words so they are these awkward pauses in the middle of a sentence while I wave my arm from my mouth outward like I can pull the word out of my mouth. Usually it works – eventually – but yes, I look like a dork.

  25. I use a table similar to that as a ‘sidecar bed’ for my cat. She safely sleeps next to me un a little bed, on top of the little table. I can hardly imagine how wrongly I’d describe it if I was asking for one in a store. Maybe a pet co-sleeper? Ugh.

  26. Maybe the couple working there thought you were playing truth or dare & you took the dare. 🙂
    Also, I got my c-tables at the Container Store.

  27. You absolutely need to go back to Shop 1…think DEFCON 4 level: slightly abnormal but still cool…and just act as if your had never been there before and yes, you are cool and serene, but just looking, thank you very much.

  28. People at work said they would write a book out the verbal inappropriate things that come out of my mouth. Examples: Instead of yelling: “are you fucking with me”. I said: “are you fucking me?” (Business meeting). Instead of saying: “I prefer market penetration rate instead over market capture rate”. I said: “I prefer penetration”. Just to give you a taste.

  29. LOL! I’m sure you made that sales person’s day. BTW, those are called “C” tables. Although, I’ve mostly used them for sofas, so check the height to make sure they will fit over a bed…

  30. My husband makes these! He calls them c-tables. Here’s what they look like: https://www.instagram.com/p/CNFuPFXjP0i/?utm_medium=copy_link
    I’m sure he would make you one (she says without actually asking him). I’ve been meaning to make to Nowhere Bookshop. Bringing you a table would give me extra incentive.

    (They’re gorgeous! But I just ordered one on World Market after realizing I should take “nesting” out of my google search. ~ Jenny)

  31. I swear, you and Anne Wheaton are two peas in a pod because of the way you both share your embarrassing moments! I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!❤️

  32. Oh Lordy I’m dying!!! These are so funny, Music teacher here. Heaven help us all if I have to ask them to hold their Ds. Similar to when PE teachers tell them to stop playing with their balls.

  34. One of the only things I ever liked about a hospital stay was the rolling c tables with adjustable height and an expansion leaf so you can pull it out to eat or have a cup of tea, or put your keyboard in it for your computer while leaving your reading and writing material or computer on top of the main table.
    If I do something wacky or say something wacky in a store, I just look at the other people in the store as if they were crazy, not me. If you do it right, then they often end up apologizing for not understanding you. Either that or they don’t want to antagonize the crazy person and are super helpful to get you what you need and send you on your way as soon as possible.

  35. In college my car had a dead battery. I walked into the boys dorm and loudly asked “Can anybody jump me?”

    Worse part – no takers

  36. oh ive done that with other words, cant go back to a pizza joint downtown because i said something similar about sex really loudly and was like well shit and walked out the door

  37. I’m clapping here. I mean… Bravo!

    (I’m in Quebec; we speak French. I had a friend who was a nurse in an English-speaking hospital. She wanted an elderly male patient to hang onto her so she could move him. She told him, clearly: TAKE ME! I’m quite sure he enjoyed it.)

  41. My first apartment had gas appliances. At a dinner with a friend and her family I exclaimed, “I’ve never had gas before”. They were nice enough to never bring up that gaffe again. (My cakes make great bribes”

  43. Not only from you but the replies were what made my day!!! Love all of you.

  44. How very human of you! A much funnier-than-average flavor of human than most of us, but still.

  46. I’m pretty sure I’m going to get thrown out of my gym. Yesterday while swimming some teenaged boys came in and there was some kind of hubbub. They walked away all mad and swearing. As I was doing my ”verical swimming” I said to the lifeguard “Kids! You gotta laugh. Because you can’t drown them.”.

  48. As I was trying to repair a floppy table to do my work at a crappy job I took in 1973, attempting to replace a screw with little luck, I groused over my shoulder “is anyone around here good at screwing?” Crickets…….

  49. See I can never come back here again because I was so very confused 🤔 I was in the fourth or fifth comment before I finally caught up with what happened. I was confused about why looking for one night stand was not good. Because dyslexia, migraines, multiple sclerosis, something helpful allowing me to miss the ‘a’ becoming a completely different meaning.
    Well that’s funny 😁

  52. This reminds me of an event that happened to me the other day at work. I’m currently working in merchandise for Disney World. As such, most items we sell are fun, such as toys, t shirts, cupcakes, etc. Getting tired of saying “have a great day!” over and over, I sometimes intersperse other phrases when wrapping up with a guest, often saying “enjoy!”
    A couple of days ago, I brightly said “enjoy!” to a young woman after ringing her up for a box of feminine hygiene products. 😖
    I can’t never go back to that shop… I work there!

  53. When I started reading this I swore you were going to say you asked for a C-Section. See? Could have been worse! Love you!

  55. I am quite certain that we originate from the same alternate dimension. 💜

  57. can’t help you on where to get one, cuz I got mine both secondhand but i second what others have said; check the height. 🙂 But yes, omg, I love mine. for someone who basically spends 80% of my waking hours (or more) on the couch, having a table that will slide all the way up when I’m rested agasint the back is flipping priceless. good luck with your search!

  59. I crawled under my accountant’s desk. Had a meeting to get my taxes done—very grown up—but as she was entering my info into her system I noticed a lozenge had called under her desk in a way she was unlikely to notice it. Worried (as I always am) about ants, I crawled under this very professional CPA’s desk like an animal to retrieve it. The worst part was I couldn’t even reach it so at first it just looked like I dove under the desk for no reason. Ended up then sticking my foot under there to drag it out and crushing it instead. The funny thing is that she should be done with my taxes by now but I haven’t heard from her in two weeks so I think I maybe have to do my own taxes.

  60. I used to have a table like that but it never quite fit my bed just right, and now I have a bed desk that rolls over the full length of my queen sized bed or I can roll it and push it against the wall or whatever. I don’t think I’m describing it well, but imagine a TV dinner tray but on wheels and long enough to go over your whole bed with wheels on either side. And it has a built in extension cord to plug in All The Gadgets,

  61. I ‘d love to work from bed, or even from the sofa, but when I try to do it I fall asleep and/or get a horrible back-ache. I found my toy table in Ikea.

  62. Thank you for this. You always make me laugh. Keep on being you! You are perfect. 😁

  63. So I did an Amazon search with the suggested “overbed table” phrase. Came up with:
    UNICOO – Height Adjustable Overbed Table Laptop Cart Computer Table Standing Workstation Food Tray Desk,Rolling Medical Table (202-Black). LOVED the picture it had of the woman with the black table. As if.
    But definitely get a table with wheels.

  64. My step-dad and i were asked to leave a TJ Maxx because we were snarking on the goods too much. He and Mom were banned from a thrift store in Mass. because of how much they were commenting (ok – they were bashing the styles) too loudly.

  65. Ok. I read this too early this morning and totally didn’t get the problem until I read Cheryl S.’s comment. A one night stand. Save me if this is the type of day I’m going to have. SMDH

  66. I’ve seen several recs for sofa side tables, but they don’t come over a bed far enough to make it comfortable to work. What you need is a rolling bed table, like the ones hospitals use. They have a large height range and the base fits nicely under all sorts of furniture. We have one and it’s *great*. Here’s an example link, but if you have access to a medical equipment supply, the real hospital ones are probably sturdier https://www.vivehealth.com/products/overbed-table?variant=13938998340&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIoMLwj4Hu9gIVeh6tBh1mjAtyEAQYAiABEgIRpfD_BwE

  67. I’ve bought two of these for my kids from Amazon. I searched “C shaped table” and there are lots available. Some roll and some just slide over carpet. They love them

  68. I was looking for one for our couch and same thing, I described it as a TV tray that schooches under the couch which caused utterly blank looks. Then we needed a new ‘utility sink’ but we’ve always called it a ‘slop sink’ so when I went to Home depot or Lowes to find one, and asked where the ‘the slop sinks were’ and she just blankly looked at me until I said ‘oh, utility sink’.

  69. One of my professors happened to speak English as a second language. When the time came to do his lectures on probability, he used the whole “you have this many different colored balls in a bag” example… problem was, his only whiteboard markers were blue and black, so he spent at least half an hour talking about “black and blue balls” while my classmates snickered at him.

    He was oblivious until I showed up in office hours with a rainbow pack of whiteboard markers and suggested that using some different colors might result in less unfortunate phrasing. He quickly moved on and used different examples entirely, and the markers never made an appearance, which is a compsci professor’s version of leaving the store and never returning. I still wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have embarrassed him by pointing it out. 😅

    Anyway, this man with an advanced degree in computer science screwed it up too so you shouldn’t feel bad!

  70. When I worked in healthcare I tried to page someone to “reception, at your convenience” and ended up over the facility loudspeaker saying, “James, please come to conception…concep…oh god *phone clunking hanging up*”

  71. Many thanks to you Jenny and to all the commenter’s sharing their own gaffes. Love you all!

  72. Made nention to my new, very serious boss that the sticky note she had on her sleeve was a nice “a-couter-mint”. Meant “accoutrement.” Never lived it down

  73. My husband and I were in a lovely crowded kitchen shop and came across some beautiful dinner plates. After some discussion and agreeing that they were perfect for us, in my head I was wondering if six would do but instead I said “Do you want sex?” The room went dead quiet. I froze and then everyone started laughing. We grabbed the six plates and laughed our way out.

  74. @Joy Brooks

    Hello Ms. Joy Brooks from Germany and thank You for Your post: Perhaps You might not know that in German the English number “six” is spelled “sechs” and sex, well, that’s just the same in German as well, but both words “sechs” and “sex” are pronounced exactly like one another … If this were better or worse in Your situation I do not know … Cheers and pls. do have a nice day! 🙂

  75. Jenny, if I owned a shop in your neck of the woods and you hadn’t dropped one of your own special clingers on the shop floor by now I’d be disappointed. Wait a week before you go back, in that time you will have become a legend!

  76. I was in a craft store once. They asked if I needed help, I said yes, do you know where I can get felt? 🥴😵

  77. Yesterday I was in a hardware store looking at mouse traps and talking to my husband on the phone through my airpods because I couldn’t find the one he told me to get (that lets you trap the mouse and let it go rather than kill it) and this store employee came over to ask if I needed help and I said “no, just looking” and she walked away but I followed her and yelled WHERE ARE YOUR YARD STICKS because I also needed one of those and she definitely thought I was looking for yard sticks in the mouse trap section which probably seemed completely insane.

  78. Thank you for the out-loud laugh. And, my BuyNothing group has these posted all the time. Maybe you should try your local one? I bet there’s one nearby.

  79. I use a lap desk made for use in the bathtub. It has legs that can fold up to use if you rest it on the edges of the bathtub but also can fold down to use on the bed. It is great for when Im tired/sick whatever but still need to get some work done on my laptop. Bonus it has a spot for a glass of water or wine or whatever…. 🙂

  81. There was that time I walked into the hardware store and the cute guy asked me if he could help me. I said, “Yes, where would I find your caulk?” His smirk made me think I didn’t emphasize the “L” as much as I had intended!

  82. I’m awkward too. Instead of your community accepting me, they all hate me. I’ve never felt so alone.

  83. I learned of this website thought the book furiously happy and I learned of the book because one mounth ago I was pulled out of advanced English bc I was failing in everyday u can fail at life and kept forgeting to do my homework so my favorite teacher pulled me out of the class, and I’m doing an independent study. Then this last Monday my teacher said they saw a book they read a long time ago that they thought I would love, but they didn’t give it to me after 15 minnets of saying how much I’d like it. But I got it Tuesday so it’s all fine and it was the book! And then after I had to get told I couldn’t yell people in school I was reading a book with a chapter titled “geroge Washington’s dildo” I started reading and loved it because I am an eccentric and hallriously awesome person who struggles with mental health, so I wanted to hear more from the other amazingly hallrious person, and I found this website and I love the vibes. I now relize this is a very long comment but thwts okay because I’m not making it a challenge to have the most intruisting long winded most wordy comment in this comment section I wonder if there is a word limit anyways Jenny Lawson is incredibly funny and relatable
    -a public speaker with performance anxiety

  84. You need like one of those hospital night stands that rolls under the bed and then the table is right in front of you. Google this–Vaunn Medical Adjustable Overbed Bedside Table With Wheels. You won’t be sorry. If you don’t like this one it will give you an idea of the what you need and you can spend hours researching the thing. The perfect one will have a drink holder and tilt just so.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
Advice from Dorothy Barker: Go outside and find the sunset. Touch the grass. Bark at squirrels. Pee aggressively while staring at the neighbors. Eat a bug. The usual.
Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: