Baby Jesus doesn’t need your likes. Probably.

in Random Crap

I wrote this series of social media posts last night because I thought it was funny but I didn’t it because I couldn’t tell if it was one of those things that’s just entertaining to me late at night when I’m punch drunk, but this morning I still think it’s funny so here you go. I apologize in advance. “Like” to accept my apology.

Also, I apologize for picking a theme that I thought was sunset and sunrise but just looks like a series of buttholes when you use them together. Those buttholes were inadvertent, I assure you.

109 thoughts on “Baby Jesus doesn’t need your likes. Probably.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. A series of buttholes sounds like a good descriptor for so many things…

  9. Aunt Carol cannot follow directions. Also, even though I spit coffee through my nose, I love you so much. We need more of this in the world, inadvertent buttholes and all.

  11. This is like The Monster At The End of This Book for the modern age. 🤣🤣 I like it. Mostly unironically.

  12. This absolutely made my morning. Sitting here waiting for yet another Zoom meeting to begin and I feel so much better now. Thank you!!!

  13. LOVE inadvertent Buttholes for a band name…but I CLAIM “Baby Jesus Needs More Likes” as the name for my next folk band.

    Seriously, you are a hot mess….and we love you for it – HEY! Is there already a band called Hot Mess?

  14. Also, Russ Davis and Vincent DeVoto now just got small (or maybe large) hauntings sent to them by my LIKES – they were total dicks to me. Not that I hold a Grudge or anything…

  15. laughing so hard I am choking and can’t type very welll. OMG SOOOOOOO FUNNY
    ps. I usually laugh at all the wrong places in movies

  20. I’ve been feeling absolutely crap all day because I think I’m coming down with an upper respiratory infection (or possibly COVID) and this made me laugh so hard I started coughing and I inadvertently almost coughed up a lung.

  21. A series of buttholes sounds like my typical daily interaction with the human race. Apologies to the non-buttholes I deal with if you’re reading this. But if you are reading this then you aren’t a butthole because buttholes do not have a sense of humour. Literally or figuratively.

  23. And once again I had to stop reading because I was laughing too hard to function properly.

  25. “‘Liking’ something is not a read-receipt” … can you please explain that to my Dad. He “likes” everything that I post on Facebook. I could post “I hate you Dad” and he’d probably like the post. LOL Why oh why did I “friend” my parents on Facebook? 🤦🏼‍♀️

  26. actually, it looks like Persephone’s crown from Lore Olympus.

  27. I’m sure Baby Jesus would understand that your buttholes were inadvertent but He can’t read so don’t keep checking to see if He liked your post.

  28. Is there another way apart from clicking “Like” to organize a small haunting for the guy who was a dick to me — and broke my wrist! — in 7th grade? Instructions on how to do this gratefully received.

  29. Inadvertent Buttholes would be a great name for a band! I think they’d play alternative yacht rock.

  31. I don’t do social media, never jumped on that bandwagon. But if I did, I would very much like your posts.
    Baby Jesus grew up, became Adult Jesus, did his very best to make his world a kinder and gentler place, and when the buttholes tried to kill him off because they didn’t like him trying to make everyone kinder and gentler, he survived to shake his finger at them, and then went on to the kindest, most gentlest place of all.
    We should all strive to be kinder and gentler and to make this world a kinder and gentler place like he did.

  32. 1. Like
    2. Like
    3. Bushels of Likes
    4. My name is not Carol.
    5. I like kiities – I have 3 giant Maine Coon girls.
    6. My name is not Carol (for emphasis) I used to love my name. I wish it didn’t make me feel bad.
    7. Send likes if you understand how bad my name currently makes me feel.

    Karen (not Carol)

  33. #inadvertentbuttholes, #ironynotlostonme, #hauntingsarethenewserviceindustry, #carol

  38. Omfg that was amazing!!!! One I didn’t even notice the butt holes and two I immediately knew who I want to send the haunting too the moment I read that lol. He was a real jerk to me in 7th grade so Wes if you can see this watch out for the ghost coming you way

  40. I am exhausted and extremely stressed and I love this post. Especially the accidental buttholes. Thank you, Jenny. My headache just got a bit better. Possible medicinal side effect of this post?

    #NotCarol

  41. hahaha I laughed out loud at this post and really enjoyed it. So much so that I felt the need to comment and tell you, and if there was a :like” button for this post, I’d definitely press it.

  42. Nope, not a band name. A Series of Inadvertent Buttholes should be the title of your next book.

  43. I laughed out loud at and enjoyed this post so much that I felt the need to comment and tell you. Also, if there was a “like” button for this post, I would totally hit it.

  44. Oh my goodness, you are funny. Thoroughly enjoyed that. But I am afraid to like it.

  45. This is the highlight of my week! I mean, it was great but Carol and the inadvertent buttholes really nailed it. 😂

  46. This reminded me of the book The Monster at the send of This Book. Love, Grover.

  47. I liked this, but because it’s actually one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, and I really read it with new appreciation as I work on cultivating a following for my own baby blog. Baby as in new, not as in a blog about babies, because, as you said, they don’t care about likes.

  48. Hilarious as usual, thank you! But I never would have “seen” buttholes if you hadn’t mentioned that. I was diggin’ the pretty colors and was 100% on board with the whole rising and setting sun thing. So….thanks Carol (or Jenny, or whatever the f**k your name is), jesus christ, now I have the word “buttholes” stuck in my brain. Not even baby Jesus is gonna forgive that one!

  49. I would comment on this but I can’t breath. I can’t Unsee the buttholes.

  51. Oh my gosh, I’m dying here. So grateful you posted this.

  52. Jenny, I didn’t notice the buttholes until you pointed them out, and now all I can see is buttholes. Cat buttholes. Like if you like cat buttholes!

  53. Feels the uncontrollable urge to give the ‘thumbs up’ symbol! ARGH!!!!

  54. This reminds me of the Sesame Street “Monster at end of the book” with Grover…Don’t turn the Page! Love it!

  55. HAHAHAHA! I really enjoyed this. Thank you for poking at the stupid inanity of all of our “liking” of things. (And I do mean “our.” I am just as stupid and inane as anyone.)

  56. While my name is Carol and I am an Aunt and even a Great-Aunt (and a GREAT aunt according to my nieces and nephews) I did not ‘like’ any of the individual posts and have decided to remain not outraged at the use of my name and honorific. It IS quite funny and I appreciate the continual shenanigans. Carry on.
    Aunt Carol (but probably not THAT Aunt Carol)

  57. I liked this mostly for the haunting. I am very pro-haunting. That jackass deserves his own polterg… wait, what if I want my own poltergeist? God, I should have been a jerk in 7th grade. I take it back, I mean, first that jackass picks on me, now I’m supposed to give him his very own poltergeist? Fat chance. (Sulks)

    Like if you think I should time travel back to 7th grade to earn my very own haunting. Not you, Carol, everyone else.

  60. Why does this feel like the Monster At The End Of This Book? I’m here for it.

  61. Must admit I was mildly disappointed to see that you hadn’t started a Venmo account for ScammyCashGrab (benefitting the James Garfield Miracle). I was ready to send my $1 🙂

  62. I feel those beautiful buttholes deserve more respect so maybe Poopy Stars?

  67. Wish I could like this multiple times. did you post all the slides on all the medias? I need to share this with everyone I know to make their days suck less. Also, I’ve just realized there’s a pint of campfire s’mores-flavored ice cream in my freezer calling my name. 🙂

  68. I really like this like ya know man? Like wow. And also where does Nicole get campfire s’mores-flavored ice cream? I want some!

  69. I love this post and I’m crying laughing… But so afraid to ‘like’ the post.

    Totally not a Carol…I think

  70. Is anyone else wondering how someone would ‘like’ this on a shirt?

    I mean random people aren’t just gonna walk up to me and start poking me are they?? And if they do, where exactly will they poke? Do they poke the word like? Or just randomly jab me somewhere???

    I am confused.

    It’s too early in the morning.

    I need sleep. Or coffee. Or a million dollars in small, unmarked non-sequentially numbered bills…….

  71. Well, “thanks” Ellen! Now whenever I see my cats’ buttholes, I’m going to think “Poopy Stars!”

    A Carol of sorts, and sympathizing with Karen up there at #32.

  72. Just when my coughing abated I had to read this post and laugh so hard I’m coughing again. Why do I do that to myself? I mean I know better. #covidsucksButItsBetterWhenImLaughing

  73. Thank you, Jenny. For the buttholes as much as the rest of it.

  74. I would like, to send a poltergeist to that dick from 7 th grade in a heartbeat 💗

  75. I have RA and my squiffy fingers got a good stretch from this, so thanks for that. Oh, and please LIKE this comment to pray to Jesus for a cure for RA. (The Jesus who shares rainbows with everyone, though. Not homophobe jesus.) Or maybe just pray to whomever you like. Or not. Tots and pears. Vibes. Whatevs.
    We can just leave it at a LIKE, too. Thanks.

  77. This is everything that is Good in the world.
    Thank you….I’m a Lit major turned accounts Receivable and this is my first yearly audit.

    I fervently loathhhhe it.

    This is Precisely what I needed!

  78. If you want to keep the hysteria going for awhile, check out CATS The Butthole Cut on YouTube. Although the buttholes are not inadvertent . . .

  80. I’m pretty sure I failed the lesson, since I had to log in just to “like” the post, but I will embrace my failure.

  85. This is a bit like ‘The Monster At The End Of This Book’ with Grover.
    Love it.

  86. If my mom’s name was Carol, I’d know for sure we’re related to you. Her name is Sharon, but she’s Carol, I promise. Mom has liked and shared everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) from Ham Face Girl to Ewan McGregor’s Obi Wan Kenobi/Jesus picture. She even liked and shared the picture of Vietnam War vets that was actually a still photo from Tropic Thunder with RDJ in blackface. I can’t, Jenny. I just can’t anymore. Goddamnit, Carol!

  88. I got the guy who was an asshole to me in 7th grade expelled, well, my friend did. He did it in class while the teacher was away for a moment. I had thought he was a cool guy until he outright sexually harassed me. So glad my friend went to the principal because I was too mortified.

  89. I am at work laughing so hard that people are looking at me. Trust me if you think it’s funny then we do too!

  90. That rocks—-all the But Holes ,Carols and likes . Have never liked But Holes (well,you know what I mean), don’t know any Carols and sadly have liked random stuff. Keep up the good work educating us one goofball at a time.

  91. Pingback: Baby Jesus does not want your likes. Probably.

  92. ‘Series Of Buttholes’ sounds like the name of a 60s surfer music cover band. Only they do grunge mix.

    Oh gods!! What have I created? 😲🤦🏼‍♀️

    Lisa

  93. I grinned, giggled and snorted my way through your post(s) Jenny. I needed such wisdom and wit so much today! And appreciate it so much.

  94. I need to not read your posts at work. I had to go back and double check.. yes, a series of inadvertent butthholes. Baby Jesus did not like anything but the Little Drummer boy (and that is also highly unlikely). Everyone needs an Aunt Carol in their life.
    Happy Hump day. It is also Donut Day (every 22nd of every month in 2022 is unofficially Donut Day!) Enjoy.

  96. #86 – Sandy, my mom shared Obi Wan Jesus too! She also left random comments on old posts and pics IN ALL CAPS WITH SEVERAL EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!

  97. HAHAHAHAHAHA thank you for this! 😀 Also, “kindergarten” is DEFINITELY german, and it’s been integrated to English for a long time now… I think you’re good with poltergeist (that 1980s movie got it integrated 20 years ago). Or is it poltergheist? Not sure…

  98. I can hear Mother Teresa laughing, Jenny. Religion is a hoot with you at the pulpit. Preach on!

  101. “A series of buttholes” sounds like the title of a lemonysnickett novel.

  103. I’m late to the party this time, but this is the second time in two days I scream-squeaked IloveyouIloveyouI’msoinlovewithyou!!! (The first was Aisling Bea in a bathrobe on a talk show, but that was just because I forgot to check you first). Finally someone who gets me with the fucking likes already!

  104. Ms. Lawson speaks for so many shitstorms many endure without enough support. And here we are.
    Please keep being here

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