Notes I wrote myself that I can’t decide are awesome or mortifying. Bit of both probably.

So I have this habit of recording “brilliant” thoughts on my phone late at night after I’ve been drinking and then I forget to go back to them so my phone notes are filled with years of bizarre run-on sentences or strange threats that I don’t entirely remember writing. Hailey recently found them and couldn’t stop laughing, although I suspect that they are laughing at me rather than with me, and they said that I really should share this so for the next week or two while I’m working on a writing project I am going to share some of the ridiculous deep-thoughts I thought were worthy of recording and now question entirely.

Part 1:

Is the ocean salty because it’s mostly fish pee? Wait…is pee salty? I mean, tears are so I’m going to say yes. Unless it’s fish tears but probably not because what do fish have to cry about? Other than the fact that they have to swim around in urine all day. Wait a minute. I think I just solved the ocean.

I don’t know why anyone uses any chapstick flavor other than peppermint because that shit really lets your lips know they’re alive. It’s a like a reminder to them that they should be excited to be lips, an honestly I appreciate that.

I think if I had an emotional support pig when I was a kid my life would’ve ended up much differently.

“Gonna go irrigate the lady garden” is pretty much the best way to say you have to go pee. I should patent that. The term, I mean. Not peeing. Unless I can patent that too.

46 thoughts on “Notes I wrote myself that I can’t decide are awesome or mortifying. Bit of both probably.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I will forever refer to it as irrigating the lady garden… and perhaps fertilize the back lawn for #2

  2. Thank you for making me giggle out loud!! I like the explanation for why the sea is salty…heck love them all!!!

  3. Oh Jenny – you make me laugh every day! And even when I’m not reading YOUR books, I always remember that depression lies. I love you

  4. I know no one asked but I vote for “Irrigate the Lady Garden” merch! Plus proceeds could go to help keep abortion healthcare accessible to all.

  5. Irrigate the last garden sounds more like a “Summers Eve” commercial!!

  6. A friend was hosting a sleepover birthday party for her (clearly sheltered) daughter and friends, all early teens, and at one point caught them putting peppermint chapstick on their eyelids because one of them said it would make them high. I’m thinking that was a lesson they could learn in no other way.

  7. Last weekend the 11 yo asked what language animals think in. Yep, still pondering that one.

  8. Isn’t pee mostly ammonia? Ammonia would make one cry, as it would sting the eyes, which would add salt. Fish might cry because of the ammonia and pollution. Now I’m sad. Help me Prozac!

  9. Wouldn’t the lady garden be where you grow shit? So the lady garden would actually be the uterus….in which case we only irrigate that once every month or so. I am totally being that person right now, apologies.

  10. PLEASE make these part of your next book! I could read your late night, drunken ramblings all day long. 🤣🤣🤣

  11. I’m not entirely awake yet*, and so misread “irrigate” as “irritate” which is a whole other thing.

    * that’s what I’m going to blame it on, and I’m sticking with that.

  12. If Ohio State can trademark “THE” you should be able to patent pee.

  13. Actually, saltwater fish pee less than freshwater fish. The salt content of the ocean is higher than the salt content of their bodies, so they are constantly losing water to the ocean via osmosis This also causes them to drink a lot, trying to keep themselves balanced. Freshwater fish, on the other fin, absorb more water as the salt content of their bodies is higher than the water they swim in, causing them to irrigate their lady… and gentlefish gardens excessively. They don’t need to drink as much, which I suppose is good, because they are swimming in a higher percentage of their own urine, comparatively.

  14. OMG…you crack me up. Just finished reading “Broken” and loved it! Can’t wait for more!!!

  15. Having had surgery in the lady garden area… the only thing I can think of when you said irrigate it; was that stiz bath spray bottle/thingy that is kinda like a portable bidet.

  16. Yep, completely thought you were talking about using a bidet for “irrigating the lady garden.” Peeing makes sense too, I guess, but a bidet can actually look somewhat like a hose, soooo…

    And thank you, Heidi… “the more you know!” I hadn’t ever considered osmosis and salt content of fish bodies and water, and how that may affect them being able to balance that. Perhaps it explains why some humans are more airheaded than others? Hmm.

  17. My son just walked out of his room as I was reading this to my daughter. He has the bad luck of always walking into a room at the worst possible time, so this time he showed up at the “irrigate the lady garden” portion!

  18. Human pee is mostly water. The salinity or nitrogen in fish pee depends on whether they are fresh or salt water fish- fish cry because they can only give creepy side-eye. The amines (amonia-esque/nitrogen containing) elements are literally like pissing into the ocean. Plus the plant life needs the nitrogen!

  19. Heidi, ” Il pesce bevono l’acqua ” (The fish drink water) is a sentence I was taught in my duolingo Italian class. But for some reason, it seems weird to me that fish both 00drink and breathe water.

  20. Fish per, fish sweat, fish tears, it’s all part the ocean, along with all the stuff that we flush or throw into it. If I was a fish, I would be cry at the state of their once clean oceans that we humans have polluted.
    Irrigating a lady or gentleman garden? What’s the non-binary equivalent term for that? I’m not sure…..
    Peppermint chapstick makes my lips alive, and my sinus passages open up, two functions in one!
    I love the idea of an emotional support pig, Charlotte and her web had Wilbur, and Babe was an emotional support pig to the barnyard, Piglet was Winnie the Pooh’s support piglet, and Miss Piggy is a diva who keeps Kermit on his toes.

  21. Maybe these should go into a grab bag at some writing workshop and let students “make sense” of them.

  22. Heidi: whoa — that was fascinating. There are so many questions I don’t even know to ask and you answered one of them.

    Heather Feather: I think you have it backwards about Wilbur. Charlotte was _his_ emotional support arachnid, no?

    Jenny: Just hire Hailey as your developmental editor. I understand that sometimes family members are not the right people to judge one’s work, but your offspring obviously understands the worth of your work and, I suspect, also knows when to tell you when to cut the un-funny parts.

    Still working “irrigating the lady garden,” though. I mean, isn’t the point of urinating to UN-irrigate one’s body? It’s so wonderful to be part of a community where we can all ponder these kinds of essential mysteries. : )

  23. They remind me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy in old SNL shows:

    “Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words -“mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s
    why so is mankind.”

    “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.”

  24. I feel like we are kindred spirits, lol. I do this too, but I’m not quite a eloquent. I send myself late night emails, only write in the subject line, and then NEVER know what it means. My favorites have been “Snake Lizard Litter” and “LOOK ME IN THE WISEBALLS”

  25. I just woke up covered in salty sweat after having nightmares all night. Maybe fish have nightmares. Poor fish.

  26. Could we hear the actual recordings? Not that I did’nt laf all ready alot 😂

  27. ‘“Gonna go irrigate the lady garden” is pretty much the best way to say you have to go pee. I should patent that. The term, I mean. Not peeing. Unless I can patent that too.‘

    Yes!! Yes!! Or…well, dunno if you can patent peeing or p!ss!ng, but maybe you can p!ss all over it, or…great. I just thought of patent leather shoes. Now, those are shoes that shouldn’t be able to get really p!ssy, right?

    See!! This is the kind of result that reading you brings about!! 😀

  28. My granny would always say she had to go drain her radiator when she needed to pee.

  29. My babysitter used to say “whatever blows your skirt up”, which I believe is probably not something normal people say to a ten year old, but why was this a phrase at all? Only Marilyn Monroe carried this off successfully, everyone else it is a wardrobe malfunction. Anyways, I wear pants and long skirts to avoid such issues!

  30. On the subject of fish and peeing/drinking: Salmon are amazing because they switch over from peeing in the fresh water to drinking in the ocean and then back again. That’s a pretty good trick.

  31. Emotional support pig? So you’re Mabel from “Gravity Falls”?! I didn’t think it was possible to love you more than I already do, but here we are. 😁

  32. I do this all the time. And because I write myself a lot of notes and voice messages, then forget to look at them for a long time, it can get weird 🙂

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