I assure you, I am housebroken.

Just a follow up to this Twitter post…

…which elicited concerns of “God, I really hope it’s not you, Jenny” until I realized this issue and followed it up with this:

And that elicited responses if “yeah, it could’ve gone either way with you honestly” and also, “How is Miss Dorothy now?” And the answer is that after many tests they don’t really know why she’s been sick but the doctor suspects it’s bc “dogs are just weird sometimes” and so she’s on a bunch of meds which have helped a bit but then last night at 3am she woke me up whining and I could see the look of imminent diarrhea panic on her face so I jumped up to take her outside bc if she gets sick in the house she tries to run away from the diarrhea, which doesn’t work and just leaves lines of poo on the tile like a treasure map no one wants and as soon as I opened the bedroom door Dottie FLEW down the stairs but as she leapt off the last stair she landed in an actually impressive hunched Spider-Man crouch and immediately shot out the most enormous turd ever.  And then she ran to the door bc she wasn’t finished so I took her out and when I got back all of the cats were gathered around the turd like they were summoning a terrible demon and they looked at me like, “WTF, dude?” and I didn’t know what to tell them because I couldn’t tell if they were impressed or disgusted.  

And that’s pretty much how my whole weekend went.

67 thoughts on “I assure you, I am housebroken.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. fAngus also runs away from diarrhea and has been ill lately, so if I don’t let him out every afternoon/evening when he wants, there’s a line of liquid cat poo everywhere. it’s been a long couple of weeks. I hope Dottie is better asap for all of you.

  2. How’s the weather? Hot? That could be a cause for the upset tummy (like a heatstroke). Hope she feels better soon!

  3. We’ve gotten the “dogs are just weird sometimes (that’ll be $50)” diagnosis from our vet on several occasions. Sigh. Sounds like things are “coming together” for Miss Barker so hope all will be well now. The Twitter post is MUCH more interesting sans picture.

  4. Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry, but I’m literally laughing out loud at work. Dogs ARE just weird sometimes!!! Mine stares at his butt all the time. Not sure what he’s expecting to happen. IF he’s farting, at least they don’t stink (or at least thankfully, I cannot smell them)!

  5. This is EXACTLY what my Monday morning needed. I hope Dorothy continues to improve. Also, this could be helpful or gross or both, but my neighbors’ dog had some horrible diarrhea last summer and they eventually figured out it was because she was eating crunchy dried up worms off the sidewalk and couldn’t digest them properly, so I guess if Dorothy Barker is a grazer, try and keep an eye on what she’s eating (though I’m sure you’re already doing that).

  6. I’ve got one cat throwing up everywhere and one that just started spraying ( he’s fixed, think it’s because he was making his territory from an animal who got in the garage at first and now he just likes it..

  7. I see you. Last Thursday my dog woke me up at 3am to show me the pile of poo she made, along with several pools of urine. I cleaned it up, and then we repeated the process all over again at 6am. I’m grateful the floor is tile. She’s at the vet now being examined. Fingers crossed she was just acting weird because a major storm was on the way. Dogs are weird little creatures. Also, we don’t deserve them.

  8. Did the vet put her on metronidazole? Did he tell you to feed her rice and chicken/chicken broth?

    It’s very hard for a human to bite the doctor during a rectal exam, but if it had been you, I would have been *very* impressed.

    Please tell Dorothy from me that she is still a good girl.

  9. One of my dogs recently has decided that pooping indoors is what makes me happy. Mind you, he WAS completely and happily housebroken.
    Now, he goes outside, holds it until he comes back in, takes dump and THEN asks to go back out.
    I really wish I knew what I said wrong that one time that convinced him that this is the right way.

  10. I have a cat that runs away from his own farts. He’ll be sitting on the couch, calmly, then gets a perturbed look and takes off like he got a message from the mothership. It took a few times for us to put the stink together with the running away. Glad it’s never been anything more solid. That I’ve found, anyway. ;/

  11. Poor Dorothy Barker. I hope she is feeling better soon. My dog has been pilfering cherry tomatoes from the garden (despite the chicken wire fence around all the plants) and she vomited all over my new Persian carpet, complete with several whole tomatoes. I believe she feels better now though.

  12. It’s poop time. I just had my colonoscopy this morning (went fine; no polyps.) The nurse was telling me about her mom’s cat that she now calls “Shitty Kitty.” A while back someone closed her up in the bedroom by mistake for TWO DAYS. You can imagine the cat poop all over the bed, floor. etc. Yikes.

  13. your title kind of makes me feel the opposite….. like that’s an odd disclaimer…..

  14. I worked at a Veterinary Clinic for about 3yrs. Whenever they got an upset tummy, and nothing else was wrong….the diagnosis was
    “Dietary Indiscretion”.
    Means they probably ate something off the floor or outside that caused it.

    Feel better soon, little Dottie.


  15. “THAT CAT DIDN’T COVER UP HER TURD, WTF IS HER DAMAGE?” (The cats, probably.)

  16. I hope no one else came down the stairs before you got back inside to clear away said turd. Although the cluster of cats might have given the person descending a clue . . . unless it was dark . . . and they were barefoot . . .

  17. I have to say, while I have great sympathy for dorothy, it is never fun to have intestinal discomfort, I laughed way too hard at this. I do cat rescue so I can certainly relate to weird moments in companion Animal health. Also, I have to say, that my first reaction agrees with the comment about how your first post there about the doctor’s visit and such, did bring to mind the question who exactly are we talking about here?

    Best wishes for healing strength, and stay positive!

  18. Oh my goodness! I hope she’s feeling better. My Mother in Law’s 2 dogs had almost the exact thing happen to them one after the other. By the time they saw the vet it was “Well, they are doing better now and the diagnostics say they are healthy.” We all just chalked it up to they must have had some sort of tummy bug.

  19. Poor Dorothy! I hope she feels better soon. My previous dog would run from her farts. And walk while she pooped so you would have a trail of poop to clean up.
    Diarrhea in dogs is often from extreme heat or eating something they shouldn’t. Rice and chicken and chicken broth can help.
    Those cats were definitely thinking that they didn’t understand why the dog didn’t cover her poop.

  20. Sounds like she was impacted. I’m a people nurse, not a doggie nurse but she had the signs of a blockage.

  21. Oh sorry, but I laughed also………….yup, might have been impacted. Glad she is better.

  22. My dog pooped outside, ate it, then puked inside….then I puked, ugh

  23. I hope Dorothy feels better soon! One of my cats runs away when he throws up. Fun times!

  24. Oh, I’m sooooo sorry this happened, but I totally lol’d at the spider man image (which for some reason in my head included a super man cape) and I really needed that, because my weekend has also not gone smoothly.

  25. I hope Dottie is better soon. My heart goes out to you. We still refer to “The Great Dog Explosion of 2012” when I tried to get our 85 pound doberman/german shepeher cross out the back door while he was between bouts of the diarrhea he’d been having for hours. He dug in his front paws because he did not want to go out into the 3 a.m. darkness. So I tried pushing him out using my legs against his hind end. I had to throw away my jammies. I had to throw away the drapes, too.

  26. Oh Lord, help! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying and can hardly see the keyboard. Had to cross my legs to keep from peeing. Makes it really hard to pretend I’m working.

  27. OMG! Thank you for the chuckle and poor Dorothy Barker. Hope she gets to feeling better soon. Nobody likes a pooplosion via human, animal, vegetable or mineral wise. 🤗🤗

  28. Maybe Giardia ? My daughter’s corgi had this things cleared up pretty quickly when they diagnosed it correctly and got him on the right meds.

  29. Whenever my dog poops on a pee pad, our cat looks at it and then tries to cover it with the pad. He was successful at this last Friday, and when I stepped on the pad with the poop under it, I went slip slidin’. The cat was peacefully bathing himself after cleaning up the dog’s mess, and after watching me shit skate, quipped “My work here is done”

  30. Oh man, total flashback of when I went on a six month dating anniversary date with my husband. We went to eat, then stopped back at my house to drop off leftovers before going to see a movie. When we got to the house, we walked into the most horrible stench of my dog having diarrhea all over her crate. She looked so sad. I let her outside for a bit while I preceded to throw every blanket of her crate into a trash bag. When I let her back inside, she immediately ran upstairs & preceded to leave a line of treasure map liquid poo in the hallway, which was CARPETED!! So I had to quickly deal with that while risking the chance my husband-then-boyfriend & I might miss our movie. No, my husband-then-boyfriend didn’t help. No I didn’t ask him to. That would have been a huge step in our relationship I wasn’t ready for then. We laugh about it nowadays. It made for an interesting day.

  31. This made me snort-laugh at work, thank you for that, I needed it. And after having a dog with IBD for 12 years (bless his soul, I still miss him) I have, in fact, spent a small fortune at vets’ offices to hear, yeah we have no clue what’s going on, but here’s some drugs! Also, all my conversations revolved around my dog’s poop… no wonder I don’t have any friends left.

  32. Poor Dorothy doesn’t really express how much I care about that literally cutest puppy in the world! Best wishes for all concerned!❤️

  33. That whole story was awesome with the exception that Dorothy was sick. I hope she’s feeling better and I hope the cats didn’t summon any turd demons cause that would be kinda shitty :0)

  34. Glad to hear the explanation! Had me a bit worried for a while there. (Although, even after hearing/reading all of your stories, I would have never envisioned you biting a doctor.) Hope poor Miss Dorothy is doing better. It is a good thing you are a light enough sleeper to hear her 3am whining, or things could have been a lot worse.

  35. I maybe shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did but to be fair I have an infant and changed my pants three times yesterday and it wasn’t pee OR vomit. I mean, there probably was but that wasn’t why I was changing.

    Yes. I have LOW standards now.

  36. I had the same situation with my horse last week, but hers was projectile diarrhea. I mean it was a flood that shot out behind her in an arc. I was so grateful I wasn’t behind her at the moment. Her tail was a mess though and I had to clean that pronto as she was slapping it at flies back and forth. It was a one time deal apparently as she’s fine now. Easier to clean up than a trail in the horse for sure. Hope Dorothy is much better soon.

  37. I hope Dorothy Parker is feeling better. I know I am after reading this. Only thing worse is the runs with a Maine Coon Cat (think 6″ of hair, aka Butt Skirt).

  38. Sending health vibes and hugs to Dottie! My dog hasn’t had diarrhea in awhile but he constantly squats to go and then starts walking away before the poop has completely come out, and then he freaks out at this *thing* dangling behind him and does the whole ‘chasing the tail’ thing except it’s not his tail he’s trying to get to, and I have to stop him and (gently, carefully) get the poop free and it’s really awkward for both of us every single time.

  39. Have your tried feeding her boiled chicken and white rice? Usually does the trick. Then there won’t be any more poo maps!!

  40. Ok, how many people thought Jenny was pooping all over the house? Just me? And how many people thought, why did her underwear not catch the poop? Just me?
    After reading the complete paragraph, (which you should always do) I understand the situation.
    What I want to say is, “Thank you Jenny for taking care of the wee poop monster.” I too have a Papillion, theses are highly intelligent, sensitive and loyal sentient beings. They are the kind of dogs who need owners who will challenge their brains and bodies while respecting their genetic predispositions. So, I say again, “Thank you”
    With respect from Pip the Paps caretaker

  41. Aw boy have I been there in my own ways! 💕💕Angel (my Maltese sweet baby pup) would run from her farts and she despised going “potty” in the rain. It will be 6 years ago since she passed in September, but I still get emotional when I see a Maltese when I’m out and about and when I’m down that’s when I miss her the most.

    She was a total princess who thought she was human! I don’t have any epic projectile poop stories, but Angel was a craftswoman of precisely epic vomiting (I was always the prime target).

    Within a few days span one time she vomited on me while I was wearing the same damn shirt…different days.

    The terror of what you’ve gone through with Dorothy I so understand. I used to call Angel “scary” because she always had the most frightening medical scenarios imaginable. All of those were always mysterious, complicated, and expensive. She was worth every bit of stress, white hair, dollar, and every tear. Every moment with her was absolutely priceless.

    Hope you and your sweet baby poopinator get some answers, and that she recovers swiftly! Hugs! 💕

  42. I woke up to a furry face in my face this morning. My husband was holding the cat out towards me at arms length and going “Tell Momma what you did.” The cat was like “Who, me, wha??” My husband was “Well I wasn’t the one who puked on the white couch.” and I was “Huh? I was sleeping, and I TOLD you the white couch was a bad idea”, but in his defense supply chain issues meant to get any other color than white would’ve meant waiting until the cat was legally old enough to drink before it was delivered.

  43. YOU. Are the queen of the run-on sentences. Also, I don’t understand how you can bounce back from depression so quickly. I’m not doubting you and I’m sure there’s more to the story than just your emails. It takes me months to “get my head straight.” I’m jealous.

  44. I can totally relate. Miss Barker even looks like my dog, Jelly. She’s a 15 year old papillon-chihuahua mix (she’s a rescue so that’s the best guess but she looks identical to Dorothy Barker, but older-so crustier eyes with half her teeth and her brown spots have whitened a bit) who is blind and probably a bit deaf too and seems to navigate by scent, which usually involves her following me around or weaving in and out of my legs just daring me to trip on her until she gets tired and just collapses somewhere inconvenient, usually in a doorway or in the hall with her eyes half open so when I see her I always freak out and think she died. She’s potty trained but when she finds herself outside wanders around confused until we bring her back in, after which she promptly poops or pees directly in front of my office door. And sometimes her poop is liquify and clings to her butt fur so she drags it along behind her like a really shitty bridal train.

  45. My mother’s 15-year-old Papillion had a pile of gastro-intestinal difficulties for the last few years. The vets have finally decided that she has developed Irritable Bowel and Celiac Disease.

    The IB actually did present a bit like what you described for Dorothy. So believe me, I feel your pain and a very visceral level.

  46. Poor baby girl!!! (Had to wait until I stopped wheezing and crying with laughter before I could type this.) My Lola sends tummy rubs and nose nugs.

  47. So late to this post but oh god, I almost aspirated quinoa laughing over the image of your cats. Why are you so funny? Why is quinoa so light and aspiratable?

  48. Thank you for turning a literal “shit show” into a story that made me laugh until I cried. My husband had to know what was so funny but I couldn’t tell him until I could catch my breath & wipe my eyes. I have read and/or listened to all your books & obviously read your posts but never said thank you until now. So … thank you for sharing your stories … the good, the difficult & the hilarious. You’re a great soul.

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