Happy birthday, Victor.

in Random Crap

So every single fucking year Victor insists that I have not bought him an ice cream cake even though I TOTALLY HAVE and it’s sort of a running joke because he insists that “It’s all I’ve ever asked for” while looking off into the distance like a wounded puppy, but then on his actual birthday he always insists that he’s just been messing me with me and tells me to not go get him an ice cream cake on his birthday because there are only three of us and it’s a waste of money and then the next day he’s like, “SIGH..NO ONE EVER GETS ME AN ICE CREAM CAKE AND IT’S ALL I’VE EVER WANTED” so today I tried to sneak out to get him an ice cream cake and he heard me and threw himself behind my car while yelling, “SERIOUSLY, DON’T GET ME AN ICE CREAM CAKE. I SWEAR I’M JUST MESSING WITH YOU” and so I pretended that I was giving up and when he moved I gunned it and went to the store and he was texting me “Seriously, we have no room in the freezer. Don’t get an ice cream cake” but it was too late because I got this single-serving ice cream cake push-up and Victor was like, “I’m not sure this counts” but it totally does and I sang happy birthday to him and was very self-satisfied until he was like, “I can’t even get it to push up” and then suddenly the whole thing popped out of the plastic and fell in the sink and Victor was all wide-eyed and was like, “I SWEAR TO GOD I DIDN’T DO THAT ON PURPOSE. IT JUST FELL” and I suspected that he did it on purpose so that he could continue to complain about not getting an ice cream cake for his birthday but jokes on him because I bought 5 of those fucking cake pops and then Victor was like, “Oh, touché” and he ate some and then he was like, “Well, you finally got me an ice cream cake but you didn’t sing me happy birthday” but I totally did and recorded it and then he was like, “You didn’t sing happy birthday dressed as Batgirl” and I stared at him and he was like, “That’s all I’ve ever asked for.”

And honestly I could not stop laughing and I hope this goes on forever.

Happy birthday, Victor.

95 thoughts on “Happy birthday, Victor.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Happy birthday, Victor! Wishing you many more years of laughter (and maybe an unbroken ice cream cake pop). 😉

  3. Wait is this a weird guy thing? My husband asks for an icecream cake every year. 🤷🏼‍♀️

  5. Wait you can get ice cream cake push pops?? Hold on while i run to the store in my pjs

  6. It is a hopeful sign that the two of you have found each other. (I’m not going to add “as opposed to…”)

  10. Happy Birthday Victor!!

    Jenny, Facebook just talked me into buying a short story,on amazon, they said you wrote.
    Did you really write it?

    (I did. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  11. Bawhahaha this whole thing is awesome. Happy birthday Victor enjoy your ice cream cake. Also I’m glad you didn’t run him over

  18. Happy birthday, Victor! Thanks for bringing us so much joy by supporting Jenny in so many ways. (Even if that’s just being the brunt of all of her stories.)

  19. I have gotten a mint chip ice cream cake every year since I was a little kid, and then one year I couldn’t get one because our Baskin Robbins was being renovated and wasn’t open, so I refused to age that year. The following year I made my husband get me TWO so that I could catch up. This year, I realized that my body really just isn’t capable of processing that much lactose anymore, so I didn’t get one, which I’m pretty sure means that I never have to age again. So at least there’s that.

  23. Thing is, Jenny dressing as Bat Girl will involve, somehow, a taxidermied bat head fitted ever-so-carefully over her head. Will. Be. Spectacular.

  24. Tell him you were dressed as Barbara Gordon, so that counts! You two are perfect for each other 😁

  25. You sometimes make it seem that Victor’s just this guy who lives with a whirlwind and attempts to keep her tethered (don’t fight the metaphor, it works in my head)… but it turns out he’s also a whirlwind of his own. 🙂

  27. Victor may have had a ‘pinhead moment’. And ya know, I have made a ton of ice cream flavors without a machine. Using sweetened condensed milk, lots of cream and whatever flavors you want to add. It is dense, creamy and just right for a pinhead. And for the spousal unit of a pinhead. Please don’t hate me……

  28. Happy Birthday, Victor. It’s hard when you ask for simple things and your spouse just doesn’t listen. Sigh…. Hopefully next year will be better.

  30. Happy Birthday Victor!
    Jenny, you are awesome to grab the gauntlet he threw down and get him ice cream cake push pops with backups for accidental dropping. Kudos to you, point won!

  33. Happy birthday, Victor!! (Uh-oh, Jenny. You may have set up his “wish” for next year: an ice-cream cake served by you i
    dressed as Batgirl!!) XD

  35. Jenny singing us Happy Birthday while dressed as Batgirl is all *most* of us have ever asked for, Victor. Don’t be selfish. 😁

  36. Happy birthday Victor!
    I foresee elaborate birthday costumes in his future. As in, all the taxidermized friends in the house have Batgirl costumes next year.

  37. You can probably get an adult-sized Batgirl costume from Party City online at a deep discount on November 1st (she said unhelpfully). Of course, that means that next year he’ll ask for ice cream cake, serenade, Batgirl outfit, and riding a unicycle simultaneously.

  38. We will need photo proof of you in a Batgirl costume, please! And by the way Batgirl’s day job is a Librarian – so very fitting!

  39. LOLOLOL OMG!
    Happiest of Happy Birthdays, Victor.
    And, many returns of the day.

  41. This made me laugh so hard I woke up the dog, who glared at me. Happy birthday Victor! Also imma need more information on these ice cream cake push pops because they look way fancier and more delicious than I imagined.

  43. Pingback: Happy birthday, Victor.

  44. Happy Birthday Victor and may the fun traditions of your unique family continue forever. My one daughter hates cake. She would only eat the cool whip topping on cakes, so one year I just used a tub of frozen cool whip, dumped it out on a plate, covered it in sprinkles and candles. It is talked about to this day.

  47. You know Jenny, some of your stories make me think ah Victor, that man is a saint. But then you tell stories like this and I know he gives just as good as he gets. Stay frosty Victor, you two deserve each other in all the best ways!!!!!!!

  51. In reference to Victor’s comment that “there are only three of us and it’s a waste of money” VICTOR, WTF! AN ICE CREAM CAKE IS NEVER NEVER NEVER A WASTE OF MONEY!

  55. I just read this post to my husband, as further proof (to him, since I’ve never bugged you with this insanity) that we are scarily similar to you and Victor (AND my name is Jen Lawson, but my husband calls me Jenny), and now he’s insisting that all he has ever wanted is for me to sing Happy Birthday to him while I’m dressed as Batgirl, and now I’m seriously regretting having read him this post.

  57. I can’t wait until one (or more!) of your fans sends Victor a goddamn ice cream cake(s) & then you guys have to figure out what to do with them as they melt in your kitchen. Happy birthday, Victor!

  61. Happy Birthday Victor! May all the cakes be yours today! (complete with Batgirl singing to you) 🎂🍰🍦☕️🎉🎁🎊

  62. Many, many, years ago, after an ice cream store opened nearby, my husband and family asked me what kind of ice cream cake I would want if they got me one, so I told them. They did NOT get me an ice cream cake, and I have yet to forgive them for asking and not following through!!!!

  64. Honestly, that is both the most exasperating thing and also ‘marriage goals’ … happy birthday, Victor!

  65. Happy Birthday Victor!
    I hope you know your wife is a present in and by herself! To you and US!

  66. Love you two! Happy Birthday Victor and great job Jenny delivering the ice cream cake WITH A BACK UP just in case.

  71. True love. I want a push up cake.

    Jenny, I love you and I love your family with the light of a blinding sun. Happy Birthday, Victor!

  72. Pingback: Happy birthday, Victor.

  76. Happy birthday Victor! You deserve each other, and that’s highest praise.
    One thing you overlooked, though, Jenny: when you get someone an ice cream birthday cake, you’re supposed to put those candles that won’t go out on it. That’s what we always did in my family, anyway. The first time my son encountered them, when he was four, he blew them out, and they relit a moment later. He blew them out again, and in a few seconds they were burning again. Third time out, third spontaneous relighting: he frowned at them, looked at me, and said, “Dad, I think you lit these too much.”

  82. Happy birthday Victor! Thank you for lovingly supporting Jenny in your own wonderfully grouchy way 😆…and Jenny you are such a great wifey… exhibit a:

    You mind read the situation like a truly (married) master (bat girl outfit not included)! Men always want more don’t they?! Lol! I didn’t even know they made ice cream cake push pops!!!

    You’re making me look bad as a wifey 😆😆😆. No, really… this reminds me, I should do something nice for my hubs, Adrian (the Victor in my life) and surprise him with something nice..

    Thanks for reminding me to cherish my guy. So happy that you two have each other! Cheers!

  83. IF you dress up as batgirl, what are you going to ask HIM to dress up for your birthday?

  84. Happy Birthday, Victor! This blog proves the sense of humor in your family is pretty even.

  85. This is so amazing. Can’t wait to see you dressed as Batgirl next year – pics or it didn’t happen. Happy Birthday, Victor, may you get everything you’ve ever wanted for your birthday if it keeps Jenny laughing.

  88. On our daily Zoom meeting, one of my co-workers said she heard about ketamine being used to treat depression. Off I went, telling my co-workers about ketamine therapy. I am a know-it-all, but thanks to you, my know-it-all information includes ketamine therapy.

  89. So I read this out loud to DH who promptly said “What I’m getting from Todd is I don’t fuck with you nearly enough” and I blame Victor.

  90. Happy Belated Birthday, Victor. All I ever want at Yuletide is peace on earth but my wife just laughs & laughs.

    Jenny – to you, Happy National Bookshop day!!

  92. Happy Birthday young man. We are birthday buddies. Sept 29 totally rocks. Also Doug Brown former Winnipeg Blue Shares our happy day.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Hailey’s partner has only been playing guitar for 2 weeks but they decided to perform a song with Hailey for their family for their 18th birthday and I love them both so much.
FYI in case you’ve been waiting to pick one up…just noticed that the ebook for Broken is on sale for $3.99 most places ebooks are sold. (Probably today only since these things usually are 24 hour events.)
Recreating this picture of me and Hunter S Thomcat from 11 years ago.
Well I know what I’m watching on this red-eye flight back to Texas.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

%d bloggers like this: