I used to think there were two kinds of people…those insist they still have plenty of gas even when they’re on empty just to fuck with their anxious wives and those of us who aren’t assholes, but then last week we ate at Whataburger and my sandwich had onions and mustard on it even though I didn’t want mustard or onions but I ate it because I am the kind of person who does not complain because I don’t like to be a bother, but then when I was almost done Victor started eating his sandwich and was like, “They left the mustard off mine” and I was like, “That’s weird. They put mustard on mine and I didn’t even want mustard” and Victor was like, “…Did you just eat my sandwich?” and I was like, “Oh. Maybe? Is that why mine had onions when I asked for no onions?” and turns out I did eat Victor’s sandwich and I apologized but I also explained that I didn’t do it on purpose and that technically he shouldn’t be mad since I only ate his sandwich because I’m too nice and that really both of us were victims here, but he said that he totally could be mad because “I’m too nice to not eat someone else’s sandwich” is not a rational excuse for anyone and I disagree, so I guess maybe there are four kinds of people.
PS. My computer is trying to tell me that the above paragraph is one unacceptably long run-on sentence that needs to be fixed but I think it’s perfectly acceptable since that’s the way I talk in real life, so I guess maybe there are 5 kinds of people and one very pedantic grammar program that is not happy with me.