Today is my birthday. The first person to wish me happy birthday today was a robot who only knows me through my vagina and that’s how you know we live in the future. Also, I told Hailey that and they were like, “Ew. Like a vibrator?” and I was like, “No, an auto-voicemail from my gynocologist’s office. Who gets a birthday greeting from a vibrator?” and they were like, “THAT’S WHY I WAS CONCERNED”.
Then my friend R. Eric Thomas posted his list of things that are “in” for 2023 and it included “going ‘oop’ when someone bumps into you” and I commented “I’ve been ooping since before it was cool” but autocorrect was like, “That’s not a real word” and helpfully changed my comment so instead I proudly bragged that “I’ve been pooping since before it was cool”.
All this to say that age 49 me seems just as on track to fuck things up as ages 1-48 me so I will celebrate consistency if nothing else.
So here is what I want for my birthday: I want you to share my birthday with me and do something awesome for yourself. Take a bubble bath. Read a good book. Go outside and pet a dog. Eat some cheese. Buy that thing you’ve had on your wishlist but keep putting off because it’s silly. Make nachos. Have breakfast for dinner. Play THE-FLOOR-IS-LAVA with whoever is nearby. Explore a cave. Find the weirdest thing that exists in your town and go do that. Whatever you want.
Happy birthday to us. I super love you.