Victor and I have been married for over 20 years and still we find ourselves using phrases that the other person swears we’ve just made up even though we each insist that it is a well-known family idiom and that’s why I need to see if either of us are right. So here are the beginnings of several phrases we’ve each heard since we were little that the other says is insane. If you know the answers leave them in the comments and let me know if there are phrases you use that other people think you just made up.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
You can’t afford it.
No clue
It woulda bit ya.
and put up wet
no clue
no clue
come home
snot
horseshoes and hand grenades
the creek don’t rise.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bitten you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Dookie
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___
Those are the ones I didn’t have to think about
*you can’t afford it
*ate the cabbage
*it would have but you
*?
*whore in church
*come home(?)
*hockey
*horseshoes and hand grenades
*the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
…rode hard and put away wet.
…waiting till the cows come home.
…lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
If it was a snake it would have bit me.
We say Bull pucky – I don’t know why…
I feel like I should know more of these but my brain is in slow gear today.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” No idea
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bitten me
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” Um?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” hooker in church (just me?)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) puckey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes, hand grenades, and atomic bombs.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” the creek don’t rise
“If you have to ask the answer is no.”
“I’m sweating like a pig in June.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Close only counts in horse shoes and atom bombs.”
This is how I’d say some of them. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. If it was a snake it would have bit you. That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet. … til the cows come home. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. … Lord willing and the creek don’t rise. Now I’m curious about the rest of them!
no clue on the first or second ones, but: If it was a snake, it would have bit you, That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet, That dumbass is happy as a pig in slop, I’m sweating like a whore in church, You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home, Oh, bullpucky!, Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades and I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Cripes, I’m old!
“You’re not gone leave me waiting ’til the cows come home”.
“Oh, Bull Crap”.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig rolling in mud”. ??????
If you have to ask, you can’t can’t afford it.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
I’m sweating like a pig. (Or a MFer)
You’re not gonna keep me waiting til the cows come home.
Oh bull.
The others??
“If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”
“If it was a snake, it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“bullcrap”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
The Earth slows down.
My Dad said all of these except for two and one of those was a one word shorter. Brought back childhood memories. I want to know what the jack-ass was told. Lol
Is this a quiz? I don’t know all of these but we say, in my family from Ohio/ western PA
If you have to ask you can’t afford it
If it was a snake it would have bit you
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
You’re not going to keep me waiting ‘til the cows come home
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
*You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow __??_ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
*It would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
* and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___??? ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
*pig
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
*come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
*puckey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
*horsehoes, hand grenades and nucelar war
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
*creek don’t rise
Born and Bred New Englander, ovah heyah.
If it was a snake it would have bit you
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
If it was s snake, it would’ve bit me/you/her.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
Don’t keep me waiting till the cows come home (? Seems too easy)
Oh, bull-puckey.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
God willing and the creek don’t rise! (A favorite of mine.)
If it was a snake it would have bit me.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
That’s all I’ve got. I hope you win. Lol
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
No idea
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit ya.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
In sh#t.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
No idea.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
The creek don’t rise.
Thanks for this jaunt down memory lane!
1. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
2. no idea
3. This doesn’t seem like the right amount of words, but If it was a snake, it woulda bit you by now.
4. That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
5. no clue
6. I’m sweating like a sinner in church.
7. ‘Til the cows come home.
8. Oh bullhockey, or bull-puckey, depending on where you’re from
9. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
10. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
If it was a snake it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Dont recognize most of the others tho 🧐
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” no idea
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” I need more spaces…It would have bit you in the ass
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” nope
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask you can’t afford it. If it was a snake it would’ve bit you. That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet. You’re not gonna keep me waiting til the cows come home. Oh bull honkey. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Not sure on the others but I’m sure I’ve heard them before.
If it was a snake it would have bit ya.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not going to keep me waiting until the cows come home.
Oh bull hockey.
Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
(The other ones I don’t know.)
If you have to ask, then you wouldn’t understand.
If it was a snake, it would’ve bit you.
“rode hard and put away wet.”
Sweating like a whore in church.
“Til the cows come home.”
Close only counts in horseshoes.
“lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
I’m sweating like a hooker on penny night
1. you can’t afford it.
2. ?
3. it would have bitten you.
4. and put away wet.
5. In the sunshine
6. whore in church
7. come home
8. honky
9. horseshoes and hand grenades
10. ?
How about these:
1. He’s got enough money to burn a wet mule.
2. As nervous as a long-tailed car in a room full of rocking chairs
3. As useless as tits on a bull
😺
1….you can’t afford it
2. ??
3….it would have bit you
4….and put away wet
5. …??
6. ..??
7…. come home
8….. hockey
9. …horse shoes and hand grenades
10….the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask you can’t afford it. That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet. You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise. I’m from the South of England so I’m not sure how I’ve heard these 😂
Lord willing and the crick dont rise.
Waiting till the cows come home.
Bull pucky.
Rode hard and put away wet.
The snake woulda bit you.
Close only counts in horseshoes.
Sweating like a pig.
Those ate the ones my family uses. Can’t wait to read everyone’s comments.
If you have to ask (the price), you can’t afford it.
If it was a snake, it would’ve bitten you (when something’s right in front of you and you still didn’t see it).
Poor girl looks rode hard and out away wet.
I’m sweating like a thief/sinner in church.
… til’ the cows come home.
Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
I know these:
If you have to ask…
That poor girl…
You’re not gonna keep me waiting…
Oh, bull (assuming the answer is “puckey”)
Close only counts in… (but your word count is one off mine)
You can’t afford it
who knows??
it would have bitten you
and put up wet
who knows??
don’t know this one either
come home
puckey
horseshoes and hand grenades
the creek don’t rise
I knee nine of them
I’m missing 3. I wonder who I’m most like. Jenny or Victor.
“If it was a snake IT WOULD HAVE BITTEN ME.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT AWAY WET.”
“I’m sweating like a WHORE IN CHURCH”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.”
“Oh, bull CRUD.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in HORSE SHOES AND HAND GRENADES.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and AND THE CREEK DON’T RISE.”
1.If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
2. No idea. I blame Texas for this one.
3. If it was a snake it would have bit me.
4. Rode hard and put away wet (or put up wet)
5. Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine
6. Sweating like a sinner in church
7. Till the cows come home
8. Bull puckey
9. Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
10. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise
So hardly any made up by either of you, unless my answers are completely wrong because we made shit up too.
Also you left out my favorite, “Leave him lay where Jesus flang him.”
If you have to ask you can’t afford it, or then it’s too much.
If it was a snake it would have bit ya.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting til the cows come home.
Oh bull patookie.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
That’s all I have!!!
If you have to ask _Then you can’t afford it__ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow __ate the cabbage_ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake __it would have bitten you_ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard _and hung-up wet__ ___ ___ ___.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig _?_in slop?_ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a _whore in church__ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows _come home__ ___.”
“Oh, bull _crap/malarky__.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in _hand-granades and drive-in movies__ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and _the creek don’t rise__ ___ ___ ___.”
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
If it was a snake, it would have bit you (in the ass).
That poor girl looks rode hard & put away wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not going to keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Oh, bull hokey.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (I tend to just mutter “horseshoes & hand grenades when something is sloppy but good enough)
The last one is on the tip of my tongue but I can’t grab it.
If you have to ask, you don’t wanna know
If it was a snake it would have bit me
I’m sweating like a sinner in church
You’re not gonna keep me waiting till the cows come home
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
If you have to ask it costs too much.
I told that jackass exactly how the cow??? (Don’t know this one)
If it was a snake it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
That dumbass …??? (Maybe because my mom didn’t cuss? I don’t know this)
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not going to keep me waiting until the cows come home.
Oh bull hockey
Close only counts in horse shoes and ??(something else. My husband said hand grenades)
I should make my deadline lord willing and the creeks don’t rise.
Gotta love our idioms.
…if it was a snake, it would have bit me.
…rode hard and put up wet.
…til the cows come home.
… Close only counts in horshoes and hand grenades.
… Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
And my fav (but everyone thinks I made it up)- happy as a dead pig in the sunshine!
These are the ones i know: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. If it was a snake it would have bitten you. That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet. I’m sweating like a whore in church. Keep me waiting until the cows come home. Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. I should make my deadline lord willing and the creeks don’t rise.
1. Then you don’t know
2. ate the cabbage
3. it would have bitten you.
4. and put up wet
5. ??
6. whore in church
7. come home
8. hockey
9. horseshoes and hand grenades
10. the creek don’t rise
1. you can’t afford it
2. ??? (won the McArthur?)
3. it would have bitten you
4. and put up wet
5. ??? (at a BBQ?)
6. whore in church
7. come home
8. hockey
9. horse shoes and hand granades
10. and the creek don’t rise
The only time I think I’ve ever confused someone was when I said “He was as old as Methusaleh.” They weren’t from around here.
The pig and cow are the only ones I *think* I’ve never heard … the rest, oh yea!
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
If it was a snake, it would have bit me (or, alternate version: it would have bit you)
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Oh, bull feathers.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
How the cow, happy as a dead pig, and 3 words for perspiration are all new to me.
Oh I feel like this is a fun game!
My guesses:
“If you have to ask it’s too expensive” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow makes the milk.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit ya.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.” (Idk what this actually means but I’m not horse person)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit.”
“I’m sweating like a sinner in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pies.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and tiny baby Jesus pleases.”
These are the ones I know, please confirm. 🙂
“If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”
“If it was a snake it would’ve bitten you already.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a sinner in church.”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask – you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake – it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard – and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows – come home.”
“Oh, bull – puckey” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in – horseshoes and hand grenades”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and – the creek don’t rise.”
I have no idea how I know these. I grew up in the city in California.
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow _ jumps over the moon??.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in slop?”
“I’m sweating like a Republican greatgrandfather posting heart emojis on a transsexual’s twitter feed?”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull istic missle?” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (quote from baseball coach Frank Robinson https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/inner-workings-of-life/close-only-counts-in-horseshoes-and-hand-grenades/F37C92CE05CDA28C56F916430F2ECF16)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask the answer is no.” “If it was a snake it would have bit you.” “That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.” “I’m sweating like a whore in church.” “You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.” “Oh, bull puckey.” “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.” “I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask HOW MUCH IT COSTS….” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ? ? ?.”
“If it was a snake IT WOULD HAVE BITTEN YOU.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT UP WET.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ? ? ?”
“I’m sweating like a ? ? ?.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.”
“Oh, bull PUCKEY.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in HORSE SHOES AND HAND GRENADES.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and THE CREEK DON’T EISE.”
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
If it were a snake it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
You’re going to keep me waiting until the cows come home.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask, you don’t need it. (?)
If it was a snake, it would’ve bit me/you!
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting till the cows come home.
Oh, bull hockey.
Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
“If you have to ask the answer is no.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow gets its milk.”
“If it was a snake it woulda bit you.” (you had too many blanks with this one)
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” (oh now, not that’s nice)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a pig ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey, crap, or poop.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) (answer depends on specific company)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.” (did you know this one is about the Creek Nation? Fun fact that I recently learned. I just assumed it mean creek as in stream. Not to be confused with crick – which is a pain in your neck.)
This was fun! 🙂
I laughed so hard since I have used most of these! The one I’ve said and my husband of over 20 years had never heard was “ass over teakettle” used when someone (the dog usually) takes a particularly awesome tumble.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull Pucky” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades”
“If it was a snake it woulda bit ya
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a pig in shit
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home
“Oh, bull hockey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
If it was a snake, it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
I’m sweating like a sinner in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting until the cows come home.
Bull-hockey.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Please follow up with what you and Victor each think are bonkers!
My father had several of his own. When someone asked how he was, he’d say “Finer than frog hair split four ways.” I’ve only heard one other person say this in my life.
1) If you have to ask, you can’t afford it
2) don’t know this one
3) If it was a snake it would have bitten you
4) That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet
5) another unknown
6)unknown, though I have heard sweating like a stuck pig
7) You’re not gonna keep me waiting ‘til the cows come home
8) not sure, I curse in front of children 😂
9) Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
10) I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
1) …you can’t afford it.
2) No idea. 🤷🏻♂️
3) Also no idea. 🤷🏻♂️
4) …and put away wet. (Learned that one from my Oklahoma born and raised father.)
5) …in s**t.
6) …whore in church.
7) …come home.
8) …pucky.
9) …horseshoes and hand grenades.
10) …the river don’t rise. (Which a lot of rivers are doing here in California right now.)
WHY IS THE PIG DEAD AND HAPPY?
How about “Bless their —–” ?
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” I don’t actually know this one
“If it was a snake it would’ve bit me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put down wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig on a spit.” (not sure on this one. I’ve heard it but my memory is crap)
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” I feel like I should know this and if I heard the rest I probably would be like yeah I know that one.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crud.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (and nuclear warfare) .”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek (pronounced crick) don’t rise.” (I use this one all the time at least from lord willing on)
Oops! #28: “…longtailed cat”
you can’t afford it.
No Clue
it would have bit you.
and put up wet.
No clue.
No clue.
come home.
pucky.
horse shoes and hand grenades.
No clue.
You can’t afford it.
No idea
No idea
And put up wet
No idea
Whore in church
Come home
Hockey
Horseshoes and hand grenades
No idea
…rode hard and put away wet.
…Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades (too short I know, but it’s the one I know)
…’til the cows come home.
Oh bull spit.
If it was a snake it would have bitten you.
it’s “that dumbass is as happy as a dead pig in sunshine” because as a dead pig dries out, the lips peel back and it looks like it’s smiling.
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
If it was a snake it would have bit me.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not going to keep me waiting until the cows come home.
Oh, bull hockey.
Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Hold my beer _ _ _.
I’m from upstate NY and I’ve got five:
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
If it was a snake, it would’ve bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put in wet.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make the deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
If it was a snake it would have bit you. I’m sweating like a whore in church. You’re not going to keep me waiting til the cows come home. Close only counts in horseshoes and… some other object that I can’t remember. Those are the only ones I knew!
I can still remember using the phrase “as the crow flies” to my college roommates years ago, and having them look at me like I was crazy with no idea what it meant. And one of my mom’s favorite sayings (which she got from HER mom) is “fools and children should never see things half done”. I hated hearing it when I was a kid (typically in response to me asking “eeww what’s THAT?” after seeing some dinner recipe partly in progress) but as an adult have found myself tempted to use it from time to time… sometimes on the husband, sometimes on a colleague. 😆
You can’t afford it
Made the milk
It woulda bit you
And put up wet
?
Whore in church
Come home
Pucky
Horse shoes and hand grenades
The crik don’t rise
I knowed all ov ‘em. But I growed up in midland.
If you have to ask, the answer is no.
If it was a snake, it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, Lord willing and the crik (creek) don’t rise.
1. …it’s too rich for you.
2. ???
3. …it’da bit me!
4. …and put up wet.
5. ???
6. …wh0re in church.
7. …come home.
8. …spit!
9. …horseshoes and hand grenades.
10. …the creek (crick) don’t rise.
I am a native Texan born of several generations of native Texans, so maybe that’s why I know most of these?
Ever heard “born late and raised lazy?”
– You can’t afford it.
– the cow chews its cud
– would have bitten me
– rode hard and put away wet
– pig in shit
– whore in church
– cows come home
– bull crap
– horse shoes and hand grenades
– lord willing and the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a pig in shit.” (Note: no “dead.”)
“I’m sweating like a pig.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckies.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the crick don’t rise.”
I feel like we need the answers and also the best wrong ones
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
🤷🏻♀️
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit ya
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
🤷🏻♀️
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Pig
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Hockey or pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horse shoes & had grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And the creek don’t rise.
I’d never heard #2, and most of y’all haven’t either, so here’s a link. http://www.word-detective.com/2010/01/how-the-cow-ate-the-cabbage/
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
Eats the cabbage
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It woulda bit ya.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
and put up wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
Hmm, I’ve heard “pig in shit” but not “DEAD pig in shit.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
come home (But usually around my house “You DID keep me waiting till the cows came home!”)
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Pucky/pocky/hockey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
the river don’t rise.
This was fun and I totally wasn’t going to respond until I saw that not everyone knew all of these!
You can’t afford it
IDK
it would have bit you (or me)
And put up wet
In slop
IDK We said nervous as a whore in church
come home
Cookies
Horseshoes and IDK
the creek don’t rise
1. you can’t afford it
2. No idea
3. No idea
4. and put away wet
5. Nope
6. Nope
7. come home
8. crap
9. horse shoes and and grenades
10. the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask you can’t afford it
If it was a snake it would have bit you
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
You’re not going to keep me waiting ‘til the cows come home
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
I was familiar with all but “I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
My dad used to say “God willing and the crick don’t rise” all the time. And now I miss him.
…Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Close only counts in horseshoes.
…Bull crap.
…’til the cows come home.
…sweating like a pig.
…rode hard and put away wet.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Said in pretty much any store, and many restaurants.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (Can’t say I’ve heard this one, even tho I lived in Dallas for ten years.)
“If it *were* a snake, it would’ve bit you.” (Sorry, I’m an editor.)
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.” (Terrible feeling!)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” (Haven’t heard this one, but dead pigs are bacon, right? So dead pig in a frying pan? I dunno. LOL)
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.” (Incidentally, heathens and witches may also be subject to sweating in church, if you happen to not be a whore and still find yourself in that sticky situation. Ahem.)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.” Duh. Who hasn’t heard that, VICTOR??
“Oh, bull shit.” (I, and my kid, learned that just because the adults said it, doesn’t mean the kids were allowed to say it until they were also adults.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.” (I, too, get a lot of pushback on this one, like no one has ever heard that… where have those people been??)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” (There’s more after “lord willing”??)
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” No idea
“If it was a snake it would have bit me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” No idea
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” No idea
“I’m sweating like a horse/stuck pig.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask” you can’t afford it.
“If it was a snake” it would have bitten you
“That poor girl looks rode hard” and out up wet
“I’m sweating like” a fat pig
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’till the cows” come home
“Close only counts in” horse shoes and hand grenades.
If it were a snake it would have bit you; rode hard and put up wet (this is a horse reference…); til the cows come home; bull hockey; horse shoes and hand grenades..
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” ???
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” ???
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” SINNER IN CHURCH
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” COME HOME
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) PUCKY
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” HORSESHOES AND HAND GRANADES
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” ???
—you can’t afford it.
– ???
– would have bitten me
– rode hard and put away wet
– pig in shit
– whore in church
– cows come home
– bull crap
– horse shoes and hand grenades
– lord willing and the creek don’t rise
Bull . . . oney (in front of children)
Looking at the comments, yeah, I have to agree I’ve heard of “happy as a pig in shit” but nothing about a DEAD pig.
“If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it woulda bit ya.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a pig in mud/slop.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waitin’ ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey.”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, the good lord willin’ and the crick(creek) don’t rise.”
My dad used this one: shivering like a dog shitting razor blades.
He had a *colorful* vocabulary.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (I’ve heard “where the cow gets the milk” but not anything with “how”)
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” (I want to say “in a ditch” but I’ve heard it as a “drunk pig in a ditch,” but more often as “happy as a pig in shit.” Also “as a dog with two peckers”)
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.” (also “like a stuck pig” and “like Uncle [Family Black Sheep] in church/court” – there’s also “nervous as a whore in church” and “nervous as a [long-tailed] cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey (I’ve also heard “pucky”).” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
One of my favourites was always “drunker than a poet on payday”. An ex boyfriend claimed it as his own, and I still credit him with it, even though it likely has a much better origin story.
Two sayings that always puzzled me in my family:
1. Thoughts peed the bed. (As in – “I told you to put your bike away,” “I thought I did!”, “Thoughts peed the bed!”)
2. I wish I had that guy’s car and he had a wart on his nose. (Generally said when you are envious of something some stranger has, not sure of the purpose of the wart.)
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) * You can’t afford it *
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” *And put away wet*
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” *come home*
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” *horseshoes and hand grenades *
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” *if the creek don’t rise*
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
??
If it was a snake it woulda bit ya.
Rode hard and put up wet.
I know happy as a pig in slop, I don’t know one about a dead pig.
Sweating like a whore in church.
Til the cows come home.
Bull hockey
Horse shoes & hand grenades
And the creek don’t rise!
Why don’t people understand the cow ate the cabbage?? It did eat the cabbage, right??
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” makes the milk?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” ???
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” pig in a butcher shop
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) spit
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” ?
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.”
In reference to something not having a price tag- you can’t afford it.
In reference to me personally- there’s no way it’s happening.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
? Shits in fields?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It wud da bit ya!
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
My mom’s personal favorite- put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
?? Dancing in mud?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Motherfucker, goddamn it!
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
I think I’m the only one that says this but, Bull puckey.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horseshoes and hand grenades, but I don’t really know how to play horseshoes so I don’t know why that’s relevant anyway. Seems like a weird thing to pick out a single recreational activity in which “close” gives you points. Don’t you get points in darts for being close to the target? I’m sure there are other examples that could also be named. Idioms like this are dumb.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
If I don’t sleep.
I think I’m closer on some of these than others.
“If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake, it would have bitten you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” ???
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” (I’d say pig, but that’s not three words.)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
And now I’m going to go back and look at everyone else’s answers.
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
Appalachian girl here. Has anybody else heard these?
1. He’s so lazy, he won’t hit a lick ata a snake.
2. His pants were so tight I could see his religion.
3. He’s slicker than a butterbean.
4. Beauty don’t make the kettle boil.
5. Busy as a bee in a bucket of glue.
6. She couldn’t find her ass with both hands in her back pockets.
My boyfriend makes up his own these days…
you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it taste like steak
but he also thought “I need to see a man about a dog” meant goodbye…. not that you gotta poo.
I just thought he was announcing he had to poo as a reason to leave.
“If you have to ask .” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ”
“That poor girl looks rode hard .”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows .”
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in .” We would also add “or atomic bombs” in the 80s.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ”
Other fan favorites: That’s a useless as tits on a boar. Let’s put some lipstick on this pig. Mama Cass said it best when she said arcktlll (choking sound).
Personally, I like to mix and match them. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him count the chickens. A bird in hand is better than flocking together. Curiosity killed the grass growing under her feet. In for a penny, in for some pound cake. If you play with fire, the fat lady will sing.
No one ever knows what I’m talking about though. Me either actually.
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bitten you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” ??? I’ve only known happy as a pig in shit, but I have no idea what makes a dead pig happy
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) crap
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If you have to ask then it’s too expensive”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home”
Most of these it seems are what I’ve been known to say with the exception of I’m sweating like a sinner in church, which my four year old son had misheard as “cinnamon church” so we say that too 😀
My boyfriend thinks I make up half the phrases that come out of my mouth. I contend that he has led a sheltered life and just hasn’t been privy to all the colorful turns of phrase that I have.
“If you have to ask you don’t know me.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit ya.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull honkus.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the river don’t rise.”
Only 2 I don’t know! (Or think I don’t know. 🤪)
What about Colder than a Witch’s ____
Colder than a Witch’s ___
I’m not proud to have some of these in my head.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.”
You can’t afford it
(Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit me
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Put away wet (ick)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
Rolling in sh*t
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Hockey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
?
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit”
“I’m sweating like a pig.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”?
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” No clue
If it was a snake it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” No clue
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Oh, bull pucky! (?)
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___ you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ it would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___ and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.in the sunshine.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___ come home.
“Oh, bull ___ pucky
(This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___the creek don’t rise.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey (or shirt).” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow chews the cud.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” I’ve heard, “happy as a pig in slop. but nothing about them being dead.
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey.” {the word my daddy used, except he said horse hockey)(This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and and the creek don’t rise.”
I recognized all of yours. Here are some I picked up from my granny and her old lady friends about 45 yrs ago when I was a kid, and still use today (Texas native).
Finer than frog’s hair, slick as sh*t through a goose (Christian ladies that cussed a little), colder than the balls on a brass monkey, cold as a well digger’s butt, uglier than a mud fence, crazy as a sh*t house rat, talk the ears off a mule, how the cow eats the corn… I could keep going for a while with these, lol!
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey (or shirt).” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
I’m sweating like a pig, if it was a snake it would have bit you/me, You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home, Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
I’m keeping in mind that it’s you and Victor talking. 😉
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
no more taxidermied heads
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
stubbed her toe
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
it’d come up the toilet
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
through the haunted house
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
on the wall
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
fish under water
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
start farting
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) Heck, knowing you two, this could be anything: crackers, chimneys, archery, shmooblies, etc.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
state and federal tax returns
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
no cats are barfing
How come one knows how the cow ate the cabbage? (Oklahoma)
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ?
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit (I haven’t heard the word dead added to this before)
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
“Oh, bull pucky”
.
“Close only counts in horsehoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ?
And for those mentioning Colder than a witch’s tit, the rest of that phrase is “in a brass brassiere.”
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
Then the answer’s no.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bitten you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horseshoes and hand get adds
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ and the creek don’t rise
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (Don’t know this one)
“If it was a snake it ‘ave bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard and out away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” (Don’t know this either.)
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
(Or this)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home
“Oh, bull hockey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
Also, I totally sang the first line with Sheila E lol
I knew and use most of these but not how the cow does whatever. No clue. And up north, we’d just say “pig in shit” and leave off the part about it being a dead pig. One do we use here, usually said when coming indoors in January, is “It’s colder than a well diggers ass in the Klondike”.
I know all of the sayings except numbers 2 and 5. One I’ve heard for years is “busy as a whore on nickel night”.
Ooh I love these. I listed a few faves from my Appalachian parents at the end also.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow eats the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit him/her.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig rolling in shit (in my version the pig is alive tho).”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull loney. (LOL)” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“That ain’t enough to physic a snipe.” (It means, “not very much”. I still don’t understand this one fully but I gather it’s vaguely vulgar.)
“Better to laugh to keep from crying.”
“He used to could.”
“Full as a tick.”
“Well shit fire and save matches.” (My late Mother loved this one as an exclamation.)
If you have to ask you can’t afford it. Said by my mother often.
If it was a snake it would have bitten me. When I find something I was looking for, but right in front of me. Frequently used in close proximity to “I’d lose my head if it weren’t attached!”
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home. Probably learned from a musical. Possibly Oklahoma.
Oh, bull puckey. I don’t use it, but I’ve heard it.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Mom, again.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise. Also probably from a book or musical.
“If you have to ask you probably can’t afford it..” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow _______________.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you..”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet..”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig covered in mud.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bitten you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” Happy as a pig in “slop”.
“I’m sweating like a like pig/hog.” (also whore in church/priest in a whorehouse)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shues and hand grendades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
1) you can’t afford it
2) ate the cabbage
3) it would have bit you/me
4) and put up wet
5) wallowing in mud?
6) whore in church
7) come home
8) crap?
9) ???
10) ???
The first one is “If you have to ask then it’s too much” I think. Not sure about the next two, but I’ve always heard “That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet,” which is a comparison to a horse even though it sounds super dirty. I’ve heard “happy as a pig in a poke” but I don’t remember the mention of him being a dead pig, or have a clue what is meant by a poke, so nit at all sure on that one.
“I’m sweating like a whore in church,” is one I’ve heard a LOT because Missouri in the summer is hot and humid, and because menopause. I totally can’t remember what people used instead of “bull shit” when I was a kid, except for one friend’s mom who said “horse puckey” (like a hockey puck with a y at the end). I always forget the second half of “close only counts in horse shoes and ___ ____” so I’m no help there unless you’re playing horse shoes. But I do know that it’s “God willing and the crick/creek don’t rise.” Crick vs. Creek kinda depended on which parent or set of grandparents you were asking and also where in the state we happened to be when the phrase was used. I answered without looking at other people’s responses first, so now I’m curious to see how wrong I am. : )
Oh, and one I learned from my dear mother-in-law regarding intestinal gas: Better out and bear the shame than in and bear the pain!
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.???
”“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put up wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”“???
I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Dinky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades
.“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
The creek don’t rise.
You can’t afford it.
???
It would’ve bit ya.
& hung up wet.
In shit.
A whore in church.
Come home.
?? we’d say oh BS
Horse shoes and (Something I can’t remember??)
Good lord willing and the crows don’t fly or Good lord willing and the creeks don’t rise.
I’ll add these….
That guy looks like the last part of the chicken to go over the fence.
Up shit’s creek without a paddle.
1. You can’t afford it
2. No idea
3. It would have bitten you.
4. And put away wet
5. No idea
6. whore in church
7. come home
8. crap
9. Horse shoes and hand grenades
10. and the creek don’t rise
“If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow eats the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it’d a bit me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull corndog.” (This is what we said as children.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the crick don’t rise.”
…you can’t afford it.
…it would have bit ya.
…till the cows come home.
…bull hockey
…horseshoes and hand grenades.
…the creek don’t rise.
Keeping in mind I am NOT from Texas, or the South, but the mid-Atlantic coast…
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ? .”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.” Heard this one A LOT as a child
“That poor girl looks rode hard ? .”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ? .” I’ve heard “happy as a pig in mud” but nothing involving a dead pig.
“I’m sweating like a ? .” stuck pig is the only thing that comes to mind
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crap.” hockey also works, but “horse hockey” sounds better (thank you Colonel Potter)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades .”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the river don’t rise.” (not from my childhood, think I heard it in a movie or TV show)
One I haven’t heard in a long while is “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.”
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
the price, you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
it would bite you in the ass
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
in horseshoes and hand grenades’
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Lady from Indiana here. I knew most of these EXCEPT the cow one so I looked it up and found a short article on the origin of the idiom which I thought was interesting! It’s here if anyone is interested in the read, but “the cow ate the cabbage” is generally a Texas and Arkansas phrase apparently!
http://www.word-detective.com/2010/01/how-the-cow-ate-the-cabbage/
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (New one to me!)
“If it was a snake it would have bit me”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crap”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creeks don’t rise.”
The only ones I know are:
If it was a snake it would have bit you
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
You can’t afford it.
Chews it cud
It would’ve bit you
and put away wet
in the sunshine (for live pigs, it’s in a poke)
whore in church
come home
hockey
horseshoes and hand grenades
the creek don’t rise
My late husband always claimed talking with me was like trying to have a conversation with a dolphin.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.”
you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
This one I don’t know.
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
it would have bit me
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
and put up wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
Don’t know this one either.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
I can think of a lot of ways to finish this, but none of them are three words long.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
the creek don’t rise
“If it was a snake it would’ve bit ya.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home”
“Close only counts in horseshoesandhand grenades.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“If it was a snake it would have bitten you”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet ”
“I’m sweating like a wh0re in church”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home”
“Oh, bull feces” (but my family said bull crap)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and atom bombs ”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise”
(Raised on the east coast, mostly in the South)
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
It’s too expensive
Cow, I don’t know that one
Snake it would have bitten me
And put up wet
Don’t know
Don’t know
The cows come home
Snot
Horseshoes and hand grenades
The creek don’t rise
From the mountains of NC here
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“If it was a snake it would have bitten you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come hore.”
“Oh, bull pucky.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and death.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
you can’t afford it
?
it woulda bit ya
and put away wet
rolling in shit
fat lady in summer
come home
cookies/pockey
horseshoes and hand grenades
the creek don’t rise
and thank YOU for reminding me I need to call my dad 🙂
… You can’t afford it
No idea
…it woulda bit ya
… And put away wet
No idea
…pig
… Come home
…hockey
No idea
… And the crik don’t rise
?
?
“If it was a snake it would have but you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
?
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.”
You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
….? Takes a piss?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
…..? In my belly?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Whore in church.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home.
“Oh, bull ___.”
Hockey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
…..? I have a TARDIS?
If you have to ask You will never know.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow __?_ __?_ _?__.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig _?__ __??_.”
“I’m sweating like a __pig_ _?__ _?__.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and _?__ _?__ _?__ _?__.”
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) …you probably can’t afford it.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” …pig. Which is kinda funny cause pigs don’t sweat.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”…come home. Is this a midwestern expression? But you’re from Texas, so I guess not.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)…doody.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”…horseshoes and hand grenades.
One time, my husband thought I had made up “the lion’s share”, but he had just never heard it!
“If it was a snake it would bite you in the ass.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crap.”
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
… you can’t afford it. Well known.
… don’t know the jack ass & cow one
… don’t know the snake one
… and put away wet (gross, but well known)
… don’t know dead pig one
… whore in church
… come home
… crap
… in horse shoes and hand grenades
… and the creek don’t rise.
Saying my husband thought I made up…
“Oh, that old chestnut.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it. ” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” Never heard this one.
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in hog heaven.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull _hockey__.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, the good lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.” (creek pronounced crick)
You can’t afford it
Ate the cabbage
It would have bit me
Put up wet
No clue
Horse
Corn
Horseshoes and hand grenades
The creek don’t rise
Omg, I love you guys and I love your own idioms. And I’m pleased to say that a few people knew the one thatI insisted was real that Victor didn’t know and no one knew the one that honestly I suspect Victor’s grandfather just made up. Here are the answers and the (probably wrong) reasons why:
“If you have to ask YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.” (Because if there isn’t a price tag it’s probably because the seller has to explain to you why it’s so expensive. This is why I also never order anything listed as “market price”.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ATE THE CABBAGE.” (There was this old dumb joke about how a near-sighted woman saw an escaped elephant eating her cabbages in the garden and told the police a cow was ripping them up with it’s tail and that “I don’t even want to tell you where it’s stuffing them” so telling someone how the cow ate the cabbage is giving someone the unvarnished truth and also telling them to stick it up their ass.)
“If it was a snake IT WOULD HAVE BIT YOU.” (Something was in front of your face the whole time and you’re so oblivious it’s going to get you killed one day.)
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT UP WET.” (This sounds like porn but it’s actually about horses.)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig IN THE SUN.” (This is the one Victor swears is insane but a few of you got it so I feel vindicated. Dead pigs dry up in the sunshine and their faces pull back like they’ve had a facelift and it makes them look like they have an enormous smile. IT’S NOT A GREAT ANALOGY, I AGREE.)
“I’m sweating like a WHORE IN CHURCH.” (I now realize that this is about the fact that people who feel guilty or nervous sweat but when I was growing up I assumed it meant that whores did a lot of business in church and it just meant that you were working really hard. Sorry, Jesus.)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.” (If you let the cows out to free-range eat in the morning they often won’t come back until they need milking the next morning.)
“Oh, bull BUTTER.” (All of your answers made much more sense than this but Victor’s granddad said it all the time when he thought you were lying or wrong and it honestly is adorable.)
“Close only counts in HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES.” (If you’re playing the game of horseshoes you get points if you’re within 6 inches of the stake you’re trying to hit. Personally, I only played washers because who has that many horseshoes? Do people still play washers?)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and THE CREEK DON’T RISE.” (I’ve planned for everything, but don’t blame me for outside forces working against me like too much rain making the roads impassable or other acts of God.)
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (No idea on this one!)
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” (No idea on this one either.)
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky.”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Another no idea.)
I wonder if anyone knows this one:
“That’ll go over like __ ____ __ ____!”
(That’ll go over like a fart in church! – My Dad)
– you can’t afford it
– ???
– it would have bit you
– rode hard and put up wet
– ???
– whore in church
– til the cows come home
– bull crap, bull stinky, bull honky
– horseshoes (don’t know what those other two blanks are for)
– Lord willing and the creek don’t rise
Mel #112 I didn’t know ANY of those
Anonymous #137…YES! I, too was singing Sheila E’s “The Glamorous Life” for #1
I knew 5 of them
You can’t afford it, ?, it woulda bit ya in the ass, and put away wet, in shit, pig, come home, crackers, horseshoes, ?
Note: since pigs don’t sweat irony present.
I knew all but one:
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.
“If it was a snake it would have bitten you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig : ???
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
“Oh, bull pucky.
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
How could anyone think that these were made up? They are classic folksy sayings with some minor variations depending on how your family says ‘em.
Don’t you just love how creative language is?
And how some things don’t translate in other languages?
It’s what separates us from animals.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit me
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
???
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
???
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Shoot? Crap?
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
???
This activity has made me unreasonably happy. Thank you, Jenny 💐
Apparently, my family is the only one that says “close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and slow dancing.” 🤷♀️
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
“If it was a snake it would have bitten you.
“I’m sweating like a dog in heat (not sure if I have that one but it works for me!)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” – ?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” – It would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” – And put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” – Wallowing in mud.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” – Sinner in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” – Come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) – Feathers
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” – Hand grenades and horse shoes.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” – The creek don’t rise.
I grew up in north Florida which I where I learned, “The devil is beating his wife,” which is said when the sun is shining while it’s raining.
There’s also: “He doesn’t have the sense God gave little green apples.” – no sense
“If I had my druthers…” – If I had my way
“Finer than a frog’s hair.” – very fine (superlative)
“Knee-high to a grasshopper.” – young
“That dog don’t hunt.” – That’s not adequate
“He/She’s in high cotton.” – Doing well/rich
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) — You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” –[no clue]
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” — some variation on ‘It would’ve bit you on the ass’
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” –and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” –[nope]
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” — some variation on ‘a whole in church’
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” — come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) — honky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” — horse shoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” — the creek don’t rise
1. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Applies to shoes as well as antiques.
2. ?
3. If it was a snake, it would have bit you
4. That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet. Why is this only applied to WOMEN?
5. I’m familiar with “happy as a pig in shit” but not a DEAD pig in anything?
6. I’m sweating like a whore in church
7. You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home
8. Oh, bull hockey.
9. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
10. I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise. By the way, i heard this originated from an Indian thing. Creek as in the Native tribe called Creek not rising up against the white man, not like the small stream flooding a bit. I kinda hope that’s wrong.
You can’t afford it
Jumped over the moon????
It would have bit you
And put away wet
Woman during menopause?????
Come home
Horseshoes and weather forecasting
The creek don’t rise
If you have to ask _you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow _moos.”
“If it was a snake __i’d be bitten.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away dirty.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in a theme park.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows learn to read_.”
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise”
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it. (Or You don’t know me.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ??
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” ??
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Whore in church.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” Come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Shirt.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” ??
“If you have to ask it costs too much.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and tiddlywinks.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” No clue!
“If it was a snake you’d/I’d be dead.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” I’ve only heard “as a pig in shit”, but that’s always a live pig.
“I’m sweating like a horse/pig.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey/feathers/-oney.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask (You can’t afford it).”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow (patty was made).”
“If it was a snake (it would have bit ya).”
“That poor girl looks rode hard (and put away wet).”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig (in slop).”
“I’m sweating like a (whore in church).”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows (come home).”
“Oh, bull (malarky).”
“Close only counts in (horseshoes and hand grenades).”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and (creeks don’t rise).”
I have never heard the jackass and cow. You made that up!!
Never heard the dumbass one, at least not like that. “Happy as a pig in shit”
Never heard the lord willing one either
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put up wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” IN the Sunshine
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) Pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horse shoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” and the creek don’t rise.
“If you have to ask you can afford it_.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you__.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put out to dry.”
“That dumbass is happy as a pig in slop _.”
“I’m sweating like a pig_.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home_.”
“Oh, bull hockey” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
(196) I knew/know also #1 You can’t afford it.
Snort. My husband and I are from the NY/NJ/CT TriState area. We use the same lingo. We still don’t understand each other.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
… you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
?
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
… and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
?
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
… come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
… crap
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
… horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
… and the creek don’t rise
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit ya.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
I’ve heard “happier than a pig in shit.” but not a dead one?
“I’m sweating like a pig.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
* you can’t afford it
* ate the corn
* it would have bit you
* and put away wet
* I don’t know the dead pig one.
* The only sweating one I know is just “pig”.
* come home
* … I don’t know. I’d personally say “crap” or “poo poo”, depending on who I’m talking to and how much I want to make them laugh. I know some people say “hockey” but I never use that one myself.
* horseshoes and hand grenades
* the creek don’t rise (There’s some debate about whether this should be “Creek” but, as a person who has lived next to both a creek and a river and has seen the results of both of them rising, I’m doubtful of that interpretation.)
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would’ve bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) Hockey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” in horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” the creek don’t rise.
I’ll see all of that and raise you: (in response to some wishful thinking) “If frogs had wings they wouldn’t bump their asses when they hopped.” I recently stumped my husband with that one.
You can’t afford it
No clue
It would have bitten you
And put up muddy
In slop
Whore in church
Horseshoes and hand grenades
The creek don’t rise
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (don’t know this one…)
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a sinner in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and and the creek don’t rise.”
I always heard “close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and nuclear warfare.” The dead pig one is a new one for me. How can a dead pig be happy?
If the sky looks threatening in the English Midlands, we say “It looks a bit black over Bill’s mother’s”. If you say it anywhere else you are met with blank incomprehension.
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it
I told that jackass exactly how the cow (no clue on this one)
If it was a snake, it would have bit(ten) you (bitten is better grammatically)
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
That dumbass is happy as a dead pig (again, no clue)
I’m sweating like a (dunno this one either)
You’re not gonna keep me waiting till the cows come home
Oh, bull pucky (or bullpucky)
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (horseshoes one word, not two)
I should make my deadline, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise
Retired copy editor, couldn’t pass up the lessons.
One to offer: Can I dance in your rain room? (take a shower at your place)
how the cow ate the cabbage is the ending of the jack ass one
I wonder if more southerners knew these than yankees? I feel like most Texas folks know these!
The ones I know are:
close only counts in horseshoes and hand granades
If it was a snake, it would have bitten you/me
till the cows come home
Lord willing and the creek don’t rise
Years ago, I came up with this saying and would love for it to gain traction someday: “That’s why they split the banana!”
“If you have to ask (you can’t afford it )___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake (it would have bit you)___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard (and put away wet)___ ___ ___ ___.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows (come home)___ ___.”
“Oh, bull (pucky)___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in (horse shoes and hand grenades)___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and (the creek don’t rise)___ ___ ___ ___.”
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ????
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”???
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” ???
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) I’d probably go with BS instead.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”the crick don’t rise
My answers are below. But maybe your followers could help:
My husband and I say “I’m hashed” meaning “I’m completely exhausted.” Nobody we’ve asked seems to have heard this before. Did we make it up???
“If you have to ask YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.
“If it was a snake IT WOULD HAVE BIT YA.”
“I’m sweating like a __P_ _I__ _G__.”????
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.”
“Oh, bull PUCKY”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and THE CREEK DON’T RISE
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ????
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” ????
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) crap
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”horse shoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” Good lord willing and the crick don’t rise.
–My Daddy was a Marine for almost 30 years and had a lot of these expressions:
“His teeth are so crooked he could eat an apple thru a picket fence.”
“He didn’t know whether to shit or go blind”
My Dad would often answer the phone with “You stab ’em, we slab ’em, we doze but never close.” or simply answer the phone by yelling into the receiver, “SPEAK!”
You can’t afford it.
And put up wet.
It woulda bit ya.
And the creek don’t rise.
Pucky.
Jenny and Victor Mad Libs are the best!
“If you have to ask …it’s probably not haunted.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow…got on the roof.
“That poor girl looks rode hard… and possibly syphilitic.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig …in dead shit?
“I’m sweating like a… politician getting audited.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows… finish Netflix.
“Oh, bull…durham.
“Close only counts in… cartesian space.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and..the hard drive doesn’t crash.
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
…you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
…???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
…it would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
…and put up wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
…???
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Horse? pig? dog?
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
…come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Hockey? feathers?
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
…in horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
…the creek don’t rise.
These are all very folksy, which could explain any lack of knowledge on the part of anyone with a less than folksy upbringing.
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow *don’t know this one.
If it was a snake it would have bit you.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.
That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home
Oh, bull puckey. (or dookie)
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
I haven’t heard them all, but here’s what I’ve got:
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“If it was a snake it would have bit me.”
“I’m sweating like a sinner in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucks.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, if the good lord’s willing and the creeks don’t rise.” Also heard as rivers.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” no clue here
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit you (or more usually woulda bit ya)
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” no clue. The phrase I’ve heard is happy as a pig in shit.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church (sorry but whore is what I grew up hearing, I’ve also heard stripper and sinner)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) Puckey or hockey I’ve heard both.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horseshoes and hand grenades (if you really want to be extra you might say horseshoes hand grenades and nuclear bombs but it breaks the alliteration)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” The creek (or more usually crik sorry Im not entirely sure how to spell crik) don’t rise.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig rolling in shit (?)
“I’m sweating like a whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home
“Oh, bull shirt (or puckey).” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
If you have to ask, it’s because you’re in Korea.
I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow makes white milk.
That poor girl looks rode hard and works at Fox News.
If it were a snake, it would match your eyebrows.
That dumb ass is happy as a dead pig in a Jello shot.
I’m sweating like a preacher watching porn on Sunday.
You’re not going to keep me waiting until the cows stop screaming.
Oh Bull Christ!
Close only counts in if you’re blind.
Lord willing and the Hyundai don’t get stole, again.
My wife and I argue over 2 idioms. She says like a bull in a China closet, I say like a bull in a China shop. She says a fountain of knowledge and I say a font of knowledge.
My dad says a parents job is to get their kids over fools hill.
Other idioms:
Clean as a whistle
Don’t blow smoke up my ass (meaning try to con or lie to me)
If you don’t watch out you’ll be talking out of the other side of your face (meaning I’m going to hit you if you don’t shut up)
It never rains but it pours
Were you born in a barn? (Often said in an exasperated tone to kids who broke rules of etiquette. Sometimes used in conjunction with Close the door I don’t want to air condition the whole neighborhood, what were you born in a barn?)
Slicker than snot
Don’t test me (often said to kids as a warning there will be consequences if they don’t do what their told)
Six of one half dozen of the other (meaning there’s no difference between two options)
I grew up in Texas, so knew most of these, including the cow eating the cabbage. But wasn’t familiar with the whore in church.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow – no idea
“If it was a snake it would have bit me
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home
“Oh, bull crap or poopie
“Close only counts in government work and hand gernades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise
if you have to ask, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.
nope…
if it was a snake, IT WOULD’VE BIT YOU.
that poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT AWAY WET.
i’m sweating like A WHORE IN CHURCH.
you arrn’t going to keep me waiting t the cows COME HOME.
oh bull SHIRT.
close only counts in HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES.
i should make my deadline, (good) lord willing AND THE CREEK DON’T RISR.
From Canada here… My mom’s favourite was “The hurrieder I go, the behindeder I get”… I thought it was just her until I found an old plaque at an antique store with it on it. Sounds great coming out of the mouth as well but people who don’t know it as an expression look at you like you don’t know how to talk properly… Kind of the point.
The one most of the commenters aren’t getting is “how the cow eats the cabbage”. … and my personal family favorite (that causes heads to turn) …. “That’s heavier than a dead minister”. You are welcome.
Happier than a dead pig in the sunshine. My late mother used to get terribly impatient when professional newsreaders stumbled over words. Her expression was “He couldn’t say ‘sooey’ if the hogs was eating him up.”
That dumbass is as happy as a dead pig on a spit.
Just wanted to add one I only ever heard from my grandpa: “grinning like a cat licking sh!t off a thistle”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull malarkey.”
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
Aussie here. I had to take through my childhood memories to remember that we said bull dust instead of bullshit.
Wanted to preview answers but didn’t want to ‘cheat’… these are the one I ‘knew’…
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
…it’s too expensive.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
…and put away wet.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
…pig in July.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
…come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
…shite.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horse shoes and hand grenades
Bearing in mind I’m from London, my knowledge of most of these is from reading – though the redomiciling of cattle is also in idiomatic usage over here. We also have pigs that are happy in either shit or clover, depending on context/company; but they’re alive. Which probably influences the happy bit.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit[ten] me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard _and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky.”
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
I don’t know the dead pig one or “how the cow” one but I concur that the rest are common and I didn’t have to think about em. I’m super curious about those two now! Were they red herrings to make the rest seem more reasonable to ask? Or are those the two suspicious phrases and this is proving that they aren’t common?
Also I always heard horseshoes and hand grenades, with nothing added, and I like it that way because it has a better cadence than the longer version.
“If you have to ask YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow (NO IDEA).”
“If it was a snake (NO IDEA)..”
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND DONE IN.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig IN SHIT.”
“I’m sweating like a STUCK PIG.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.”
“Oh, bull CHIPS (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in HORSE SHOES AND HAND GRENADES.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and A FAIR WIND BEHIND ME.”
If you have to ask, You can’t afford it,
no idea
If it was a snake, it would have bitten you.
That poor girl look rode hard and put away wet.
I got nothing
I’m sweating like a dog in heat.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting til the cows come home.
Oh bull feathers.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
My replies with reactions to the first few others’ replies in brackets:
you can’t afford it
ate the cabbage
it would have bit me
and put up wet
no idea “pig in slop,” but not dead [I don’t see anyone getting this one]
horse [well, drat, “whore in church” is hilarious and I never heard it before]
come home
hockey
horseshoes and hand grenades
the creek don’t rise
My friend Brady is from Texas, and when I first met him, he had just recently moved to San Diego. One time he showed up just as we were getting ready to eat, so I asked him “Are you hungry?” His response was “Hm, I could lick a biscuit” and he got a little butthurt because I was totally confused and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
Your Pal,
Storm the Klingon
I can tell you all are primarily Southerners. I don’t have a clue for the majority. Yes, I’m a Northerner. Nyuk!
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
How much it costs.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
Ate the cucumber.
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit me.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Whore in church.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
Come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Puckey or hockey.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horse shoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
The crick don’t rise.
My husband’s grandmother lived with them while he was growing up. When she was cooking, he would ask her what she was making. She would answer “lairs to catch meddlers.” She was from upper Wisconsin. Anyone else ever hear this?
I knew all of them except the cow eating the cabbage. Thanks to those who included the link to the explanation! I first encountered the ‘rode hard and put away wet’ analogy in a western, and referencing a MAN. Which made the origin much more horesy then whoresy☺
I’m Canadian and have heard most of these, but some (mostly the cow related ones LOL) we don’t use. There are also some differences! Such as “Bull Dookie” (never heard Pukey or Hocky, though have heard Hookey). And ours isn’t a dead pig. It goes “happy as a pig in shit.”
Some my grandfather used to say:
1. As useless as tits on a bull
2. Looking up a dead horse’s ass
Princess Crown
Ran away
Damn you
On the fields
Exactly
Soccer player
Arrive
Cow
Praises
Princess Crown
Ran away
Damn you
On the fields
Exactly
Soccer player
Arrive
Cow
Praises
I am going to take a guess on an hard one and say “that dumbass is as happy as a pig on a platter”.
These are the ones I know:
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it ”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet. ”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home. ”
“Oh, bull crap. ”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise. “
Family expression- 3rd gen German
Einmal ein arschlach, immer ein arschlach.
“Once an asshole, always an asshole.”
Thanks, Dad!
In my part-time, I earn $500+ per day using my mobile phone. Last month, I earned $16723 in my fourth paycheck. It is an easy, f14 awesome job that anyone can do. my one of oldest friend has made over $17543 in her part time from home.
This is what I d0…… http://netdollars1.blogspot.com
you can’t afford it
???
it would have bit me
and put up wet
??? (pig in slop)
??? (pig)
come home
hockey
horseshoes and ???
the creek don’t rise
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” no idea
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put up (or put away) wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” I’d say “in shit” but you have 3 spaces
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) crap/puckey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes and hand granades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” the creek don’t rise
Sweatin’ like a pig in a frying pan.
Bull spit.
If you have to ask YOU DON’T NEED IT.”
“If it was a snake YOU WOULD STEP ON IT.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT AWAY.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig IN MY SKILLET.” (PRETTY SURE MY MOM MADE THIS UP ON THE SPOT JUST NOW)
“I’m sweating like a WHORE IN CHURCH.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.”
“Oh, bull PUCKEY.”
“Close only counts in HORSE SHOES AND HAND GRENADES.”
WHO COMES UP WITH THESE PHRASES THAT WE ARE STILL USING? 🤣
I heard all of those growing up. They strike me as very midwest.
Here are is one from Sgt. Conrad, forward observer, artillery, Korea. (My father.)
I have never heard this anywhere else:
“Your mouth write checks your ass can’t cash. ”
To his children, generally stated as ” Don’t let your mouth write checks your ass can’t cash.”
He was a wise man with a drill sergeant’s mouth. I miss him very much.
If you have to ask the answer is No.
If it was a snake it would have bitten me.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
That dumbass is happy as a pig in shit/poop.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Oh, bull hockey.
I should make my deadline, Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow just a real sweetheart.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit ya.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard she really deserves a nice bowl of soup.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig so not really very happy since they are dead.”
“I’m sweating like a lot, like totes a lot.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in life because everybody is just trying to get by you know, we’re out here just really trying and everyone deserves some credit for that.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and if this god damn bus would ever show up.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in hot mud.” (but not dead)
“I’m sweating like a pig in summer.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull dookies.”
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the crick don’t rise”
I just remembered a variation on one of these: nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
(never heard this one)
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It would have bit you or you would have been bitten.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
(never heard this one)
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horse shoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) Then you can’t afford it.
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit me.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes and hand grenades.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
If you have to ask the answer is no.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard andput away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes & hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
happy as a dead pig in the sunshine
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” ???
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” ???
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) Crap or hockey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ate the cabbage.
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” it would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” and put away wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” I’ve never heard of a dead pig being happy, but in our family we say “happy as a pig in shit.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” a whore in church.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home.
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) Pucky. Thank Col. Potter on MASH for that one.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horse shoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” and the creek don’t rise.
*you can’t afford it
?
*it would have not you
*and put away wet
*? “Happy as a pig in shit” is the phrase as I know it.
*whore in church
*pucky. It’s a weird, old-timey word for farm animal shit.
*in horseshoes and hand grenades
*the creek don’t rise
I love linguistics and these are really fun! I once did a linguistic survey in college of various ages and genders in Austin. This was my favorite question… What do you call a sudden, short- lived downpour of rain? The answers were fascinating and hilarious, my two favorites being a “frog strangler” and a “turd floater”!
“If you have to ask, the answer is no.”
I’ve heard of some of the others, but I can’t think of the ending.
“If you have to ask then you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit ya.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away yet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky / crap.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
I swear I didn’t read any other comment! I couldn’t remember one of the pig ones
“If you have to ask how much you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it woulda bit you. (or me)”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet!”
“I’m sweating like a stuck pig!”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hocky ” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
**** But we just said “Bull!” And it made my dad really mad!
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise!”.”
I swear I didn’t read any other comment!
“If you have to ask how much you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow are the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it woulda bit you. (or me)”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and pit up wet!”
“I’m sweating like a stuck pig”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hocky ” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
**** But we just said “Bull!” And it made my dad really mad!
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise!”.”
“If it was a snake, it woulda bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
My mom always said ‘you can’t see nuthin’ on a trotting horse’ when I worried over something not quite right in my appearance. According to Google, the saying is ‘It’ll never be seen on a galloping horse, ‘ so despite growing up in Seattle, Mom seems to have held on to some deep country background! 😂
Origin of “how the cow ate the cabbage”. http://www.word-detective.com/2010/01/how-the-cow-ate-the-cabbage/
Seeing how many people know the same ones and others are a complete mystery, I really want to know which are Victor’s and which are yours. I have my suspicions about which are which. 😀
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
you can’t afford it
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
it would have bit me (or you)
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”and put away wet
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) crap or pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horseshoes and hand grenades (and nuclear blasts)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” the creek don’t rise
Sweating like a toasted cheeser.
Till the cows come home.
If it were a snake it would have bitten me.
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” (?)
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” We always said, “looks happy as a pig in shit
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Like a pig?
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull cookies.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” in horse shoes.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” (?)
But I lived in a different part of Texas, and also Georgia and North Carolina, so my southern-isms are all across the south.
‘looks like a lost ball in high weeds’.
These are common in my family but don’t seem to be when I say them around others:
Six one, half dozen the other.
They’re mopping with their hair on fire.
Here’s one from RI. Happy as a clam at high tide. (Usually shortened to happy as a clam)
In nyc and the only ones I know are close only counts in horseshoes and hand Grenades, and till the cows come home
Close only counts in horseshoes, tiddlywinks, and hand grenades! But nowadays I usually just say horseshoes and hand grenades because people usually only barely know what the game horse shoes is, let alone tiddlywinks.
It it was a snake, it woulda bit me.
That poor girls looks rode hard and put away wet.
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades.
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
I can’t believe I haven’t seen “slicker than deer guts on a doorknob” on this list.
If you have to ask *you can’t afford it.
“If it was a snake *it would have bit me.
“That poor girl looks rode hard *and put up wet.
“I’m sweating like a *hostage in July.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows *come home.
“Oh, bull *crap, dookey, any cutesy word for poop.
“Close only counts in *hand grenades and horse shoes.
My family idiom is “Oi vay, mon deau” to honor both sides of the family.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bitten you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Preacher on Sunday
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” Come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___the creek don’t rise.
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“If you have to ask – you can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake – It would have bitten you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard – and put back wet.
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig – in shit.
“I’m sweating like a – rented mule.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows – come home.
“Oh, bull – puckey
“Close only counts in – (something) and hand grenades … I think? I know this one, but it’s not coming to me.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bitten you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crap.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
You can’t afford it.
No clue.
It would have bit you.
And tied up wet.
No clue.
Chunk of rancid pork.
Come home.
Pucky.
Horseshoes and hand grenades,
The river don’t rise.
My husband remembers his dad saying “Ain’t worth the powder to blow it to hell.” I remember hearing “what’s that got to do with the price of tea in China.”
Here are the ones I know:
“If you have to ask YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.
“If it was a snake IT WOULD’A BIT ME (OR YOU)
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT AWAY WET.
“I’m sweating like a WHORE IN CHURCH
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME
“Close only counts in HORSE SHOES AND HAND GRANADES.
“If you have to ask YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“If it was a snake IT WOULD HAVE BIT YOU.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard AND PUT AWAY WET.”
“I’m sweating like a WHORE IN CHURCH.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows COME HOME.”
“Close only counts in HAND GRENADES AND HORSESHOES.”
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you/me.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crap or hockey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek/crick don’t rise.”
If you have to ask (you can’t afford it)
If it was a snake (it would have not me.)
That poor girl looks rode hard (and put up wet)
You’re not gonna keep me waiting til the cows (come home)
I should make my deadline the good lord willing and (the creek don’t rise)
Some new ones:
It’s a titty bit nippley out there today.
“Balls!” Cried the queen, “if I had ‘em I’d be king!”
Colder than a witch’s tit.
Oh! Here’s another one!
Driver says to passenger when being told how to drive: “who’s fucking this dog?!”
Correction on earlier post not proofread. If it was a snake it would have bit me. 🙄
I could complete most of those except the dead pig one and the jackass one. My algebra teacher used to say “We’re going to get through this lesson if it hairlips the governor!” Never heard it anywhere else.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” ???
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bit you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put away wet (It’s not dirty, I swear!)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) hockey
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horse shoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” the creek don’t rise.
I had a teacher who liked to modify it to be, “Close only counts in horseshoes and slow dancing!” 🙂
I know all of them except the jack-ass one and dead pig one.
I know “happy as a pig in shit”, but that pig is (presumably) live.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it.
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
ate the cabbage
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
it would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___
in the sunshine
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
corn
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
the creek don’t rise
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How the cow- never heard it before this post!
Pig in shit- the pig isn’t dead around here. She’s living the dream.
Sweating like – I’ve never heard this in So Calif.
Bull-pucky.
River don’t rise – this made me laugh because I actually do say this at work. Dunno if my coworkers have figured out that when I say it, it usually means ‘I’ll try but don’t piss me off.’
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow chews its cud.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a sinner in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull puckey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“If you have to ask (you can’t afford it)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” No idea
“If it was a snake (it would have bitten you)
“That poor girl looks rode hard (and put up wet)
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig (not sure, my phrase is “happy as a pig in shit”)
“I’m sweating like a (whore in church)
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows (come home)
“Oh, bull (feathers)
“Close only counts (horse shoes and hand grenades. However, my high school history teacher would add – and nuclear bombs)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and (the creek don’t rise)
“If you have to ask ___ you are in the wrong place \ shouldn’t be here===
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake _You would be dead / dying by now or You would be wishing you were someplace else”
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ and put away wet”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___come home
“Oh, bull ___.” Shite, pucky
“Close only counts in ___nuclear war
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ and my executive disfunction doesn’t f*$%# me over
I recognized about half which makes me wonder if it’s your half or Victor’s.
-you can’t afford it
Nope
– it woulda bit ya.
– and put away wet
-a whore in church
-cows come home
-pucky
-horse shoes and hand grenades. This was Grandpa favorite. I enjoy using it.
-and high water
Close only counts in horseshoes or hand grenades.
I don’t have any answers to add but I certainly learned something! I was reading these out, loud to my husband, and he was feeling some of them, and that I hadn’t ever heard of including the one about the grenades and the girl. Of course, he was flabbergasted that I had never heard this races and argued with me but of course I had and I told him no I have not and this is what Jenny and Victor go through all the time.!
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
– you can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
– no clue… makes the milk?
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
-It would have bit you
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
-and put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
– ?? in the bud?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
– whore at church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
– come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
– crap
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
– horse shoes and nuclear bombs (and raunchy barns)
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
– ?? no clue
“If you have to ask you can’t aford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull honky.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horeshoes and hand genades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horse Shoes, Hand Grenades, and Thermonuclear Warfare.
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.
I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow earned her PhD (I may never have heard this phrase before, but I want to be supportive of the cow.)
If it was a snake, it would have bit me.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
That dumbass is happy as a dead pig reaching hog heaven. (Haven’t heard this one either, but the pig probably needs support. This thought might comfort the grieving sow.)
I’m sweating like a whore in church.
You’re not gonna keep me waiting til the cows come home
Oh bull pucky
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
I should make my deadline, good lord willing and the crick don’t rise.
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I haven’t heard “happy as a dead pig” but I have heard “happy as a pig in shit.”
Bull crap is the kids version I’ve heard of “bull shit”.
Other phrases I grew up with:
That’s a bunch of malarkey
Don’t give me a ration of shit!
That girl’s dead from the neck up
Do we live in a barn? Shut the door! (to which I would bleat NOO like a goat)
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.) you can’t afford it!
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the ___ ___ ___.” Bear shits in the woods
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” It would have bit you!
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.” And put up wet!
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” A pig in shit.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” Stuffed pig
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) pucky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.” The devil is sleeping
When the Gods want to punish you they answer your prayers.
If you have to ask, it costs too much
If it was a snake it’d jump up and bite you
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet
I’m sweating like a priest in a whorehouse
You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades
If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake it would’ve bit me”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull pucky.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
“If you have to ask, the answer is no.”
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.” I really want to say “feels about milking” but I think I’m making that up.
“If it was a snake, it would have bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.” Why a *dead* pig?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” I never remember these, so I just say “person who sweats a lot”.
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull crap [or plop].”
“Close only counts in hand grenades and horse shoes.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the crops grow high.” Less sure about this one, I feel like there are at least three versions – crops, the creek stays full (something about a creek), and another one…
If you have to ask, you can’t afford it
IDK this one! It’s the only one I haven’t heard!
If it was a snake, it would’ve bit you by now.
That poor girl looks rode hard and put away wet.
That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in shit (I just say pig in shit, but you have another word here, so I’m curious!)
I’m sweating like a whore in church (or a whore at a Sunday preaching)
You’re not going keep me waiting til the cows come home.
Oh, bull pucky
Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.
Idiom #2 I thought was…
I told that jackass- How the cow shit the bed ! Don’t ask me how that one came to be in our family hahaha
We Also say-
Shit or get off the pot! (Hurry up
And make a decision)
All the rest I’ve heard too, and it’s Bull Puckey (in our house sometimes)
Mostly we just say Bullshit no matter who’s around (-not any of the other answers)
Sweating Like a – Whore in Church
Also on that topic –
You smell Like a whorehouse –
(Meaning you have way too much cologne or perfume on)
Topic blowing your nose…
If you hadn’t blown so hard, I’d done think you blown your brains out! (Meaning- you don’t have that many brains lol)
He’s prancing around like a cat on a hot tin roof!
Hey mama put your bra on, we got company!
I’d just like to add: hotter than a (goat’s butt in a pepper patch) and colder than (a witch’s tit in a brass bra.)
I didn’t know most of these, but if I had to guess I would have completed “Close only counts in … ” with “encounters of the third kind”. (^_^)
Had to laugh! Rode hard and put away wet. Like the cowboy galloping into town, jumping off the horse, running into the saloon—leaving the horse rode hard and put away wet. Needing to be cooled down and brushed.
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.
You can’t afford it
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ___ ___ ___.”
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It woulda bit ya
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put away wet
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
In shit
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Oh way too many here…. I’ll go with nun in a whorehouse
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___
come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
Cocky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
1. You probably can’t afford it
2. Ate the.cabbage
3. It would have bit you
4. And put up wet
5. In the sunshine
6. Whore in church
7. Come home
8. Corn or hockey
9. Horseshoes and hand grenades
10. The crick don’t rise
This would have been a fun Survey Monkey to see the results on.
1) You can’t afford it.
2) ?
3) It woulda bit ya
4) and put away wet
5) I’ve only heard the happy as a pig in shit version
6) whore in church (the whole premise for Sister Act?)
7) come home
8) pucky
9) horse shoes and hand grenades
10) the creek don’t rise
You can’t afford it
?
It would’ve bitten you
and put up wet
wallowing in shit
?
come home
honky (yikes I can’t believe we grew up saying that)
horseshoes and dancing
the creek don’t rise
If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.”
HOW MUCH IT COSTS YOU CANT AFFORD IT.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
AND PUT AWAY WET.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
WHORE IN CHURCH
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.”
COME HOME
“Oh, bull ___.”
PUCKY
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES
Bull cookies. Horse shoes and dancing.
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.” whore in church
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows ___ ___.” come home
“Oh, bull ___.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.) whacky
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.” horseshoes and hand grenades
Bull shorts!
I had to look up “how the cow eats the cabbage”
It comes from this joke
A circus had arrived in a small town, and one morning one of the elephants managed to escape. The fugitive pachyderm made its way to the backyard garden of an elderly (and very near-sighted) woman, where it began hungrily uprooting her cabbages with its trunk and eating them. Alarmed by the apparition in her garden, the woman called the police, saying, “Sheriff, there’s a big cow in my garden pulling up my cabbages with its tail!” “What’s the cow doing with them?” he asked, to which the woman replied, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!”
http://www.word-detective.com/2010/01/how-the-cow-ate-the-cabbage/
“If you have to ask ___ ___ ___ ___.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
You can’t afford it.
“If it was a snake ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
It’d bite you.
“That poor girl looks rode hard ___ ___ ___ ___.”
And put away less!
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig ___ ___ ___.”
In shit?
“I’m sweating like a ___ ___ ___.”
Wh*re in church.
“Close only counts in ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.”
Horseshoes and hand grenades.
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and ___ ___ ___ ___.”
The creek don’t run dry.
Tardy to the party because my email is overwhelming but today I’m happy to be Southern so I can do these…
“If you have to ask you can’t afford it.” (Usually said in an antique store.)
“I told that jack-ass exactly how the cow ate the cabbage.”
“If it was a snake it would’ve bit you.”
“That poor girl looks rode hard and put up wet.”
“That dumbass is happy as a dead pig in sunshine.”
“I’m sweating like a whore in church.”
“You’re not gonna keep me waiting ’til the cows come home.”
“Oh, bull hockey.” (This is what you’d say if you were in front of children rather than “bull shit”.)
“Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
“I should make my deadline, lord willing and the creek don’t rise.”