Bad crack

This week we were in Hawaii for a few days and it was really nice although I’m still fighting this depression so I spent a lot of time just resting in my room, but one time I went to the ice machine and there was this British couple there who was adorable and I was like, “You guys having some good crack?” because I’ve been listening to a lot of UK podcasts lately and when they’re having fun they say ‘it’s all good crack’ but this couple was like, “Um…pardon?” and I said, “Is that not how you say it? Do you not pronounce it ‘crack’ where you’re from?” and they were like, “No, we know what crack is” but they said it in a way that clearly they did not know the crack I was referring to so I was like, “Not the bad crack, I mean. The good crack. The happy-time crack, you know?” and they were like, “Sure” but I’m pretty sure they were not sure and also now that I’m thinking about it they may have been Australian.

This is where I would tell you all about my vacation but I am too tired and spent my last bit of energy scheduling 3 weeks of having a nurse inject me with ketamine so I can hopefully psychedelic myself out of this deep depression and into at least a functional one. I was feeling bad that this post was so discordant on topics because my brain is broken but technically both paragraphs are about drugs and happiness so there is a theme.

PS. If I had all of your addresses I would have sent you these because nothing says “elegant souvenir” like being invited to suck on some dirty donkey balls.

I had questions, obviously, but when I googled “donkey balls” google was like:

And now I just have more questions. So I guess I did bring you a souvenir and it’s our shared sense of bewilderment over lumpy donkeys and their balls and that’s good crack. (Which would also be a good souvenir if you liked crack, I guess.)

Actually, speaking of flying drugs back from Hawaii, at the Honolulu airport you go through security and then you leave the building and go outside to catch a bus to take you to your gate and I was like, “What’s the point of security if I’m just going to go outside again?” and Victor was like, “The bus system only goes around the airport so it’s secure” and I was like, “Yeah, until I whistle for my pet falcon, and what’s attached to its leg? A nail clipper. Now I have a nail clipper on a plane. AND A FALCON. And maybe he also swallowed drugs and fireworks because he’s wild like that” and Victor was like, “Can you not talk about this while we’re in the airport?” and I was like, “If anything they should be thanking me for pointing out these loopholes” but no one thanked me at all.

66 thoughts on “Bad crack

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I have been having a shitty, shitty time of it for the last three weeks ever since my husband of 24 years decided he wanted to call it quits. Thank you for making me laugh, Jenny. I needed it today.

  2. Those are some very disconcerting loopholes…The Honolulu FTA or whatever should absolutely be listening to you!! Also, I would happily chew or suck on some dirty donkey balls if I got to hang out with you! Thanks for making me smile!

  3. I think you mean “Craic” which is an Irish phrase not a UK phrase 🙂

    (Oh, shit. I guess this is why it didn’t show up in google. Did I at least pronounce it right? ~Jenny)

  4. The confusion might have been that craic is generally more of an Irish phrase.
    Sounds like you had a lovely time 🙂 I’m glad!

  5. Everything I needed to know about crack (craic), I learned from Derry Girls. Everything I needed to know about keeping air travel safe from falconers, I’ve now learned from you. Thank you for your service, Jenny.

  6. This is beautiful! On the subject of balls, at a routine inspection the vet announced my kitten, Cowboy had big ones for his age thus earning him the nickname of Mr Big Nutz. Sadly they’ll soon be ghost nutz. There are enough cowboys in this world. Xo

  7. @1 mommatrek I am so sorry. I’m in the middle of a divorce, too, and I sent you lots of hugs and support.

  8. Got introduced to the concept of ‘craic’ when I lived in Boston and my fiddler husband was invited to join in on a ‘craic’ session. MY response was ‘over your dead body…’ but it turned out to be a helluva good time at the Black Rose…

  9. On Wednesday, my Austin family decided to go to the zoo to show our grandson what animals other than cats and dogs there are in the world. Then the tree breaking and falling on people happened right where we just were. I’m so grateful that it wasn’t us, and yet, at the same time so sad for the people who were under that tree. We didn’t know at the time why they were shushing us away from the area we had just walked on. At the end of a successful animal tour we stopped by Nowhere. It was magical so thank you. I’m just having all the feels: guilt, gratefulness, magic. Telling my family all my feels just feels burdensome you know? Thank you for lumpy donkey balls and being real. I’ll add that to the mix of the emotions.

  10. Mommatrek, my husband of 27 years decided he wanted a divorce right before Thanksgiving. It’s really shitty how men hit around age 40-50 and decide to regress into their twenties and act like idiots with their buddies, outrageous spending habits and young women.
    Sending you positive thoughts.

    Jenny, I love that you completely freaked out the Australians with an Irish saying.
    And omg, I have to get some donkey balls! That’s so awesome.
    Right around 9/11 I was saying to a friend that if the terrorists really had wanted to cripple America they would load up 18 wheelers with explosives and blow them up on top of all the bridges on the interstates. My friend freaked out saying what if someone overheard me and called the secret service on me. I explained I was just thinking of worst case scenarios, but she was very paranoid about it. I guess nobody appreciates a person who proactively looks for worst case scenarios to help prevent them, but I bet there is a job in the federal government that gets paid oodles of money doing exactly that and suggesting ways to prevent it or defend against it.

  11. Re Pronunciation: I’ve always heard it pronounced to sort of rhyme with drake but I’m American, so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

  12. Also, hope you are appreciated by Dirty Donkey Balls for promoting product. Even if this looks more nasty than malted milk balls and the weak, waxy, tasteless choco they were dipped in.
    Been a long week here too. Hugs.

  13. Don’t you hate when you say something clever and funny and no one gets it? It is almost like you just farted in front of them! All of your minions (me included) giggle all the time….

  14. I love how you turn everything into a valuable learning experience for us all.
    Wishing you into a better place –

  15. I am peeing again from laughing so hard. Thank you for sharing your adventures and I am sending hugs and spoons, and happy to know you are receiving great treatment. Also, I would love some donkey balls, I think, maybe.

  16. So, having lived in Hawaii, I need to say that Donkey Balls are the best:) and also share my ball story: when my kids were little we thought their hamster, Layla, had cancer , as suddenly she couldn’t even touch the ground with her little hind legs, if you can picture it. All the way to the vet the kids were sobbing as I said- if medicine can fix it we will do it, but no surgery or chemo for your hamster. I cried too, but still, a mom must have some limits. We got there and the staff laughed hysterically and told us to change Layla’s name to Steve, as it wasn’t cancer but enormous balls. A hormone shot later and they were fine. As we still called him Layla, they became the first hamster with proper pronouns circa 1986.

  17. If you become addicted to Donkey balls, I live near Kona and will gladly feed your habit

  18. Splendiferous woman. You are loved, appreciated and it will all be ok. And it’s St. Patrick’s Day. May a leprechaun smile upon you, and stuff some crack in all the right places.

  19. Just an aside. Lumpy donkeys may refer to the fat that they store under the skin especially along the crest of their neck. It looks lumpy.

  20. You wanted to apologize for the post but I’m over here loving the whole thing wanting to thank you for it. Also I’m glad no one listened to your falcon loop hole so I have something to look forward to if I go to Hawaii.

  21. I love your brain. And now I’ll be worrying about how falcons with shivs attached might make it onto my plane. I love you and hope you get the happy drugs to help you.

  22. Now the Australians will be telling their friends about the time in Hawaii when they were approached by a crack dealer.

  23. And people wonder why I’m not allowed to fly anymore. I’d be yelling comments like this while my family pushes me in a wheelchair saying “It’s the Ativan.”.

  24. Probably weren’t Australian … we speak many English languages and can generally translate (although a compounding factor is that there is a popular baked good here involving chocolate, salty caramel, biscuits and nuts also called Crack – but if they thought it was the chocolate-salty crack the response would generally have been “WHERE GOOD LORD WHERE and how do they keep the chocolate from melting here?”).

  25. Perhaps you could sell Donkey Balls at Nowhere as a special added attraction.

  26. “Craic” is Ulster Scots(not Irish) and has been appropriated by the whole of the British isles!

  27. You’re Cassandra! I plan to have my goshawk deliver my contraband 4oz sunblock while I am on the Honolulu tarmac next time 🙂

  28. Having lived in Hawaii, I can indeed agree that the airport is weird. They may have changed it since, but as of at least eight years ago, some of it was open-air. Also I hope you enjoyed the phenomenon that is ABC stores in Waikiki. For those who have never experienced one: think 7/11 plus beach gear plus souvenirs, with at least one every block. It’s surreal.

  29. Just start making over $600 a day from your timeshare home. I made $18,781 from this job in my spare time after college. easy work and his steady income is amazing. c01 No skills are required for this job. All you need to know is how to copy and paste items online. Sign up today by following the details on this page.
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  30. Invest in a pigeon with a backpack. One of my podcasts was talking about that as a way to smuggle drugs …or nail clippers into prison.

  31. I also have a habit of talking about dodgy airport things while I’m the airport.

  32. Oh my! First I’m sorry you are struggling with deep depression but maybe this will help a wee bit! Apparently there are all kinds of chocolate balls including boar balls, goat balls and monkey balls! Thank you Jenny for enlightening me!

  33. Oh my gosh, I love you so much. I just needed to say that. My husband just passed away a few weeks ago and it’s been rough, but I shouldn’t be surprised at all that a post from you could make me laugh so much. My husband had a great sense of humor and it was always important to us in situations like this that we keep our humor in order to get through it. That has been hard the last couple of days, so thank you for the laughs. I used to read some of your posts to him. 😁

  34. Just start making over $600 a day from your timeshare home. I made $18,781 from this job in my spare time after college. *q0 easy work and his steady income is amazing. No skills are required for this job. All you need to know is how to copy and paste items online. Sign up today by following the details on this page.

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  35. I feel compelled to share my three year old’s current excuse for needing yet another story at bedtime. She says “those stories were CONNECTED” presumably meaning they were part of the same story, and she therefore needs another story. Point being, your paragraphs were definitely connected.

  36. From

    The plot thickens …

    What is the origin of craic?

    Craic is an Irish Gaelic spelling that represents the English pronunciation of English crack and was then taken back into English. English crack was apparently introduced from Scots into Irish English via Northern Ireland (Ulster) in the mid-20th century and was thereafter adopted into Irish Gaelic and Irish English. In Scottish English and in northern English dialect, crack has the sense “chat, gossip,” which may be the source of craic. Alternatively, craic may be a shortening of crack “witty remark, wisecrack.” Craic entered English in the 20th century.

  37. Darn, I was just coming here to explain Craic and ya beat me to it 😀

    It’s not widely used in the UK compared to ireland though I have heard people use it. I think possibly less used now due to the obvious connotations of the other crack and trying to avoid confusion maybe!

  38. I hope the drugs help 😊 We’re going to Hawaii for the first time in two weeks and I have a constant low level anxiety about it because when I booked the flight I assumed Honolulu was on the big island, so even though by dumb luck I booked a hotel on the island I didn’t think we were going to, for the first month I told everyone we were going to the big island and what if somehow we are??? Maps are not convincing because what if I’m looking at the map of the wrong island? Gah.

  39. LOL!!! I hope you will be at a more functioning better place soon. (sorry not sure what to say but feel better soon didn’t seem appropriate) I’m glad you were able to go on the vacay anyway & had some amusing stories. I know that you’re not at your best but your writing always makes me chuckle which does brighten my day. (so at least there’s that…)

  40. I’m an Aussie and we say ‘crack the shits’ when we are annoyed about something. (Not a good thing.) Also, crack as in the drug kind.

  41. I listen to your audiobooks continuously so this just made me think of the snowglobe/zombies/airport chapter and it feels strangely connected and makes perfect sense and I think that means I’m just as strange as you, which is kinda comforting.

  42. Jenny! I knew what you mean and it’s craic. Which reminds me that you need to watch Derry Girls on Netflix. It’s so good and they say craic all the time and also “boke” which apparently means vomit and I must now use this all the time.

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  44. And I of course know the answer to “why do donkeys get lumpy”. lolololol (actually, it’s not that funny: it’s because they were neglected or fed poor feed and they develop fat deposits along their neck and sides that will never go away even if they are rescued and treated perfectly for the rest of their lives.)

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