I thought I’d write a little day-in-the-life piece because I always see fancy magazines do that with important people who are not me and who have their shit together, but then I got distracted and now I think it’s more like 38-hours-in-the-life-of? Fuck it. Let’s start.
Took Dorothy Barker for a walk and found a dead lizard frozen in the road. I picked it up and put it in my pocket and then I forgot it was there because I forgot to take my ADHD meds because I have ADHD.
I only remembered later when I put my hand in my pocket and discovered that the lizard was twitching, and was in fact, only mostly dead because I guess I have some sort of secret resurrection powers? Or maybe it was just frozen before and I thawed it out. This is exactly why women need more pockets. We’re saving lives.
Regardless, I carried it inside because it was freezing outside and Victor was less impressed by my possible resurrection talents and more confused that I’d put a dead lizard in my pocket in the first place and I explained that I thought it was poisonous. Victor then had more questions and pointed out that if anything it would be “venomous” rather than “poisonous” because things are only poisonous if you bite them…not if they bite you…and I already knew it wasn’t venomous, but I was worried that it had died because it had been poisoned and then a dog would eat its corpse and get second-hand poisoned like a deadly turducken.
We put it in a cage to wait for the cold snap to clear and I put it on the counter where I keep all the books I need to read (don’t judge me) until Ferris Mewler started getting nosy, so I put Lizzard Borden in my bedroom with soap operas on because that was always nice to watch when I was home sick as a kid.
Went to the grocery store where I was very confused by this Star Wars bag that said “Have a Ghoul-Actic Halloween” because is Darth Vader back from the dead and hungry for human flesh?
Because that’s what a ghoul is.
I asked Victor and he said it was just a pun on “galactic” and I got that because I’m not an idiot, but clearly Vader is decomposing and possessed and it doesn’t seem like something Lucas Arts would approve unless maybe I’d missed this part of the story, but Victor was like, “I don’t think that grocery store bag is canon” and we agreed to disagree.
On the way home I saw this lady walking her dogs who were not eating possible poisoned lizard popsicles and I wanted to yell “YOU’RE WELCOME” but instead I just appreciated her Tick costume, until Victor said she was supposed to be Wolverine. And he’s probably right but it feels like a really wasted opportunity to have The Tick walking a bunch of dogs.
This is the part where I did a lot of work while watching horror movies in the background and that part’s boring so I’ll skip it, except to say that Dorothy Barker often sits on my lap and paws at my keyboard to “help” or to tell me to pet her, but this time she was so exhausted she fell asleep and so I had to stop working so I wouldn’t disturb her, because this is the rule of dogs.
Then I had three groups of trick-or-treaters come to the door but only one group was wearing costumes and I think I’m turning into an old lady because the social contract states that you need to wear a costume or at least say “Trick or treat!” and not just, “Hey” but I still gave everyone candy and then I ate every Almond Joy left in the bag and went to sleep with a lizard who was having a really weird day.
Then Hailey called to tell me they were at the police station and I woke up immediately, but turns out they were there with their sweetheart doing a trunk-or-treat and wanted me to know they were having a good time. and I thanked God that their college years are so much more tame than mine ever were.
And in the morning I let Lizzard Borden go next to the shrub I think he lives in and I can only imagine the stories he had to tell his wife who would never believe him, and how sad he’d probably be to never know what happens next on Guiding Light.
I realize it looks like I hung a dead lizard in my bush (not a euphemism) but I assure you I just caught him mid-leap.
I’ve just read this all back and I think I figured out why no one has ever done a day-in-the-life of me yet.
PS. Forgot to add…got a picture of my favorite costume of the year from my friend Jennifer who went as…an Indie Bookshop:
That is a lovely day. I’m with you on the Tick costume. So not Wolverine.
That was a most excellent day-in-the-life piece. I’ll read about your days any day!
That was a WILD ride. I hope Lizzard Borden sends you a thank you note or drops off a basket of non-poisonous muffins.
Whew, good thing you saved the lizard. 🙂
I think that lady’s costume looks like The Tick too!
Best day in the life I’ve ever read!
Amazing day! Lizard Borden was lucky you found him instead of a hungry hound!
OMG, thank you for this!
Yep. Me too. I understand why I don’t have a day in the life of. I can’t reach your standards
OMG. Write one of these every day for a month…you will have your next book. If you did this every month it could be the best, weirdest Book of the Month Club ever! ❤️❤️
I don’t see any comments yet? Maybe we are all just “huh?” Also trying to think of some way to convince you that YES we would never get enough of your day-to-day! Happy Dia de los (almost) Muertos to you and Lizzard Borden. But did you check on his parents???
I am obsessed with the idea of walking my dog as the Tick next year. Googled “Tick costumes”. All I can say is that I don’t have what it takes to fill out the costume that popped up. Unless I can hang a lizard from my lady garden.
I was distracted by your comment that it “looks like I hung a dead lizard on my bush.” I apologize for my thinking.
Found a lizard that had fallen into an empty plastic flowerpot and couldn’t climb out. In the summer. With no water. Thought he had died of dehydration and picked him up (did not put him in my pocket – pants too tight).
Then I decided maybe he might not be quite dead, just stiff and dry. So, I did the responsible lifesaving maneuver of dunking him in the birdbath. I avoided making any religious mutterings regarding baptism or last rites.
After a couple more dunkings, he blinked at me. Wow. I have the powers of resurrection, too….
(WE ARE MAGIC. ~ Jenny)
You’re like Little Jesus in LAMB by Christopher Moore!
(THE BEST BOOK. ~ Jenny)
This post is precisely why I’ve decided to continue reading words. Continue the research!
Lizards go catatonic in cold weather, and revive after they warm up. I’m so glad you gave him a warm place to thaw out before you let him go home.
But I bet your cats missed their new friend.
Definitely Tick not Wolverine.
“Let sleeping dogs lie” is a real thing.
Somebody else with a house full of books!!! Real books! And animals…but I’m not telling you how many dogs I have because I think you’d think I was crazy.
Reading this while on hold; it was SO hard not to snort and possibly offend the person on the other end (‘dead lizard in my bush’ – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA).
You definitely need to do more day-in-a-life. It is far more funny and interesting than what Gwyneth Paltrow or Victoria Beckham would write.
Not a lizard type person, but kinda hope this one finds the way home and stays put.
Sadly, Guiding Light isn’t on TV any more. There might be a streaming version, is that what Lizzard Borden was watching? Also, your pockets are full of miracles!
Not all lizard-saving heroes wear capes. But you should. A cape with pockets.
I’m just really stuck on the ‘freezing’ comments, because I’m from Canada and we don’t even have lizards like that here because they’re all like ‘fuck no’ when they see our weather forecasts. Not that I will ever leave this country, but it would totally make my week to come across a tiny lizard.
Your life is so much more interesting than mine. Loved it. Happy for Lizzard Borden
You do more to save the world than most people I see. I am not surprised. That is one of the reasons you are in my most favorite humans list. I know Dorothy Barker and Lizard Borden agree. Probably the tick would too if they knew you were protecting them.
I like your life!
Your day sounds so much better than mine. My day was, I woke up & went to work and then came home & watched Sunday’s episode of Sister Wives.
Wonderful day hilarious story great saving of a life and enhancing ours.
Lizard Borden: Why won’t my tail move?
Jenny: You’ve been mostly dead all day.
Also Jenny (you’re playing most of the parts): I put you in my pocket to bring you back to life.
Lizard Borden: Why are you? Why am I in this cage? Who’s the furry guy? OOOH, MY STORIES ARE ON!
It’s not quite The Princess Bride, but it’s still pretty good stuff. Your life sounds like fun to me. And what a lucky lizard!
She could also be a Little Free Library!
And: am I the only person who had to enlarge the photo so they could read the book titles?
You are magic! Period (with an exclamation mark)!
My day in the life of stories progress like this and people stop listening to me but I followed along with yours like I always do and smiled and grinned and laughed. Maybe a self-help ADHD book titled “a day in the life of….”? ADHD-ers are so much better at helping ADHD-ed than any medical professional in my opinion.
Ok, LOVED Jennifer’s costume. I often wonder why I can never be clever like that. Omg, only mostly dead – FAVORITE movie line EVER! Glad Lizzard Borden could respawn into his old life. You’re doing good work here.
I have never heard of The Tick but we have lots of ticks here (the kind who give you Lyme disease) and I was very confused…had to look it up. Now it makes sense. I hope you see Lizard Borden again – I LOVE that name!
You have some mighty weird and wondrous days. I bet you know that.
It’s hard to be mostly dead all day! That was me on Sunday when I had a stomach bug a kindergartener probably gave me. Makes me think we all need to keep a holocaust cloak on hand for emergencies.
The Lucky Lizard could be a name for a bar or a casino…
Omg the soap opera parts had me unsuccessfully stifling laughter on a crowded 6 train!
Ya know—lizards and frogs and toads hibernate and Lizzard Borden could have been doing that BUT I like your take on this much better.
I love you so much, Jenny! When I’m depressed, which is becoming more frequent, you are the only one who can cheer me up. ❤️
I pre-filtered all the Twizzlers out of my bag of mixed candy and set those aside for myself, so at least you had the restraint to wait until after the kids came through. 😉
Would absolutely read an entire year’s worth of A Day In The Life Of Jenny, friends and accomplices. I meant a different word I can’t think of right now and spell check is any helping me solve the issue with hints. Oh! Acquaintances! But that’s kind of redundant because I already said friends but not all acquaintances are also friends so it stays. I’m glad Lizard Borden returned to life, good job!
The Tick is way better than Wolverine, anyway. He is One of Us. Why else would he yell “SPOOOOOOON!!!!!!”
I love your day in the life. And want more days! But isn’t the tick blue?? And has antennas on his head? You made me google him just to double check. Perhaps the yellow is just not cannon?
I’m eternally 12 and just wanted to say, “Is that a lizard in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
Things I needed after a long day at work:
#1 Lizzard Borden
#2 “I don’t think that grocery store bag is canon”
#16 is correct! Reptiles go into torpor (not exactly hibernation, but sort of similar) when they get cold because they are poikilotherms, which means they maintain their body temperatures by staying in environments that are warm. We (and other mammals) are homeotherms, so we produce our own body heat by burning the energy we get from food. You did a good thing by bringing Lizzard Borden to a warmer spot! 😀
My day got 100% better reading this! ❤️
Thanks for the ride, nice lady. Strange days, indeed.
Love,
Lizzard Borden
I have ADD too. But no lizards get cold in my part of the world. In fact nobody does. And twice a week I teach an ADD teenager something in the line of ‘how to study and get decent grades’, without telling him to focus one single time. It’s difficult, and we both sweat profusely. I’d feel better if it was cold and I could save a lizard. Besides if the lizard came back to life on my desk at least I’d be able to tell him to focus and I’d probably feel better. Thank you, Jenny. You make me laugh and feel less like a martian.
You are not boring, that is for sure. I fell out my front door yesterday because there is a house being built across the street and it was more peoply than I expected.
“I don’t think that grocery store bag is canon” is my new fav phrase. I’m going to randomly yell it in my grocery store for no reason. Because that would please me. Thanks, Victor!!
To dSavannah (#30): I didn’t enlarge, but I read all the titles to see if any of them might have been banned recently. I featured banned books on my mother’s walker banner for October (https://cbottsprojects.blogspot.com/2023/10/october-banner.html).
I snickered and giggled through this entire post (especially about Lizzard telling his wife of his adventures, and his investment in the Guiding Light personalities). Thank you, Jenny!
My other favorite story about resurrecting lizards is in Lamb by Christopher Moore. ❤️
Well I normally have anxiety waiting for things but managed to be late for work reading about your day 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I still wish I knew what happened next on Guiding Light. I truly miss that show. <3
Thanks ever so for sharing! Your days are what I aspire to have, lizard popsicle and all. Love you muchly.❤🎃❤
Holy shit! I may have peed in my bed AND rupture some internal organ laughing so hard. Fuck you very much, Jenny…😆😂😆😑
I would read your “day in the life of” every day.
I wish you would do a day in the life EVERY DAY!! ❤️❤️❤️
You never fail to give me hope, Jenny. Thank you for saving the lizard. And giving everyone candy. You are the best of the best. ❤️
Love this post, very entertaining.
Also, excellent pet names
There are two books in the now Straw Wars Alternative Universe that deal with ZombieTroopers. Red Harvest is one of them. They were in the Extended Universe until Darth Disney bought LucasFilm. Then The aforementioned Sith Lord, DD, flushed the canonical timeline down the entire toilet ignoring the work of authors including Hugo Award Winner Timothy Zahn, Michael Stackpole, Aaron Allston (RIP), Drew Karpyshyn, Karen Traviss, Kevin Anderson, and so many more. Plus the hard working comic writers and artists and game creators.
P.S. we had a lizard living in our house for a week. Finally caught the freeloader just before Samwise the Cat got him.
Nice
Lizzard Borden. (I think you should be in charge of naming all pets and make it a real going concern.) Your day-in-the-life was marvelous and hilarious.
This made my day/week and your day in the life is ever so much more interesting than any others. Sending you love, as always! Thanks for making me smile. <3
This is a much more interesting day in the life. This made my day/week. Thanks for making me smile in this crazy world. Sending love, as always! Karla <3
Mary Tyler Moore maybe able to turn the world on with her smile -but can she resurrect dead lizards? OMG this day in the life was so well done. I love your humor and affinity for Almond joys.
-Butterpants
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Love the Indie Bookshop as it took a real commitment and belief to make it happen and… we’ve come full circle.
If Lizard Borden was only “mostly” dead you should have taken it to Miracle Max!
I had to read through the comments to see if anyone besides me thought of Princess Bride (yes, it turns out). I was going to suggest Westley as a name for the lizard, but, as usual, Jenny is funnier.
DAMN IT. You got me all excited that Guiding Light was streaming somewhere and I didn’t know it.
WAYYYY off topic, but I am currently reading ‘Broken (In the Best Possible Way)’ and I want to thank you for laying it all bare: what it’s like to live with both a brain and a body that are constantly trying to murder you. I have severe depression and anxiety as well as Crohn’s Disease (that I take a biologic for – and HAVE gotten medicine-induced lupus, so now we keep trying things and trying things, and they’re NOT working), and it’s so damn good, but MUCH to relate to everything I’m reading. I love your writing and your honesty. Thank you. So so much.
Wait wait wait…are you saying you haven’t read Gideon the Ninth yet?!
(I know. I’ve been saving it because I’ve heard it’s so amazing. ~ Jenny)
I loved reading your ‘day in the life’ post! You should definitely do more!