I thought I’d write a little day-in-the-life piece because I always see fancy magazines do that with important people who are not me and who have their shit together, but then I got distracted and now I think it’s more like 38-hours-in-the-life-of? Fuck it. Let’s start.
Took Dorothy Barker for a walk and found a dead lizard frozen in the road. I picked it up and put it in my pocket and then I forgot it was there because I forgot to take my ADHD meds because I have ADHD.
I only remembered later when I put my hand in my pocket and discovered that the lizard was twitching, and was in fact, only mostly dead because I guess I have some sort of secret resurrection powers? Or maybe it was just frozen before and I thawed it out. This is exactly why women need more pockets. We’re saving lives.
Regardless, I carried it inside because it was freezing outside and Victor was less impressed by my possible resurrection talents and more confused that I’d put a dead lizard in my pocket in the first place and I explained that I thought it was poisonous. Victor then had more questions and pointed out that if anything it would be “venomous” rather than “poisonous” because things are only poisonous if you bite them…not if they bite you…and I already knew it wasn’t venomous, but I was worried that it had died because it had been poisoned and then a dog would eat its corpse and get second-hand poisoned like a deadly turducken.
We put it in a cage to wait for the cold snap to clear and I put it on the counter where I keep all the books I need to read (don’t judge me) until Ferris Mewler started getting nosy, so I put Lizzard Borden in my bedroom with soap operas on because that was always nice to watch when I was home sick as a kid.
Went to the grocery store where I was very confused by this Star Wars bag that said “Have a Ghoul-Actic Halloween” because is Darth Vader back from the dead and hungry for human flesh?
Because that’s what a ghoul is.
I asked Victor and he said it was just a pun on “galactic” and I got that because I’m not an idiot, but clearly Vader is decomposing and possessed and it doesn’t seem like something Lucas Arts would approve unless maybe I’d missed this part of the story, but Victor was like, “I don’t think that grocery store bag is canon” and we agreed to disagree.
On the way home I saw this lady walking her dogs who were not eating possible poisoned lizard popsicles and I wanted to yell “YOU’RE WELCOME” but instead I just appreciated her Tick costume, until Victor said she was supposed to be Wolverine. And he’s probably right but it feels like a really wasted opportunity to have The Tick walking a bunch of dogs.
This is the part where I did a lot of work while watching horror movies in the background and that part’s boring so I’ll skip it, except to say that Dorothy Barker often sits on my lap and paws at my keyboard to “help” or to tell me to pet her, but this time she was so exhausted she fell asleep and so I had to stop working so I wouldn’t disturb her, because this is the rule of dogs.
Then I had three groups of trick-or-treaters come to the door but only one group was wearing costumes and I think I’m turning into an old lady because the social contract states that you need to wear a costume or at least say “Trick or treat!” and not just, “Hey” but I still gave everyone candy and then I ate every Almond Joy left in the bag and went to sleep with a lizard who was having a really weird day.
Then Hailey called to tell me they were at the police station and I woke up immediately, but turns out they were there with their sweetheart doing a trunk-or-treat and wanted me to know they were having a good time. and I thanked God that their college years are so much more tame than mine ever were.
And in the morning I let Lizzard Borden go next to the shrub I think he lives in and I can only imagine the stories he had to tell his wife who would never believe him, and how sad he’d probably be to never know what happens next on Guiding Light.
I realize it looks like I hung a dead lizard in my bush (not a euphemism) but I assure you I just caught him mid-leap.
I’ve just read this all back and I think I figured out why no one has ever done a day-in-the-life of me yet.
PS. Forgot to add…got a picture of my favorite costume of the year from my friend Jennifer who went as…an Indie Bookshop: