I posted this on my weekly art substack today but I know not everyone subscribes, so I thought I’d share it here in case it needs to find the right person.
If you’re here you’re probably my friend (even if we’ve never met) and you probably know that I struggle with depression. And maybe you do too. Maybe right now you’re struggling with life, or mercury-in-retrograde, or hormones, or the lies that mental illness whispers. You are not alone. But you are loved. And needed. Even if you don’t see it.
I drew this picture awhile ago but my head didn’t work well enough to add the words I wanted. So I kept it and played with it, adding words and colors digitally but never in real life because I wanted it to be perfect and I was afraid to fuck it up.
But (like me, and you, and the world) it never was meant to be perfect.
So today I sat down and wrote my words on my drawing, and it was far too long and rambly but it needed to be written. I needed to write it…and to believe it.
I took so long to finish it that the pen I’d used for the drawing had run out of ink and so the words I wrote were darker, with a new pen that mismatched the drawing. They were imperfect. I hate my handwriting. I misspelled a word and can’t go back and fix it because this is ink. But all of this is part of what will make me remember this specific drawing…these feelings…these flaws that make me human…this reminder that life is worth waiting for.
All of this to say…I hope you stay. I hope you live fully. I hope you know how important you are. I hope you see the miracle that is you. I hope you eat the sweetest orange.
❤️
Beautiful. Like you. And me? For today, yes.
Perfectly imperfect.
I needed this today, thank you ❤️
💐
Thank you. ❤️
Thank you! It’s so beautiful and it made my night even better.
Thank you. I needed this today. I am the person you were hoping found this.
I’m perfectly content to be perfectly imperfect. Your drawing and words are beautiful. Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you, my friend (so nice to know it’s reciprocated, even if we will probably never meet) We walk a similar path sometimes, you and I, and I am so very glad you’re still here, and I’m still here, and we’re all still here. Here’s to perfect imperfections, and strangelings finding a place together, even while far apart. Love you Jenny,
Thank you, Jenny, as always, for putting such good things into the world.
Thank you for seeing us 🌻
My depression has tried to take me down like a cinder block on my ankle in the ocean. This came at such an appropriate time. Thank you.
Thank you. You will never know that you, Jenny, sings the sweetest birdsong when we need to hear any song.
Oh Jenny the past few weeks have been so hard. Thank you for this.
I’ve been struggling with burn out so much lately. I saw this in my inbox and started to weep. Thank you.
well said Jenny!!!
I needed this, even if I’m crying right now.
Yeah but your “too many books…only too few shelves…” art…when will that be a print I can order signed from the store??
Thank you!
Sometimes it doesn’t have to be the most perfect or sweetest thing, it can just be the right thing at the right time. And sometimes the sweetest fruit isn’t the prettiest on the outside.
This is beyond lovely. Both the drawing, and your explanation of delaying it’s completion. You are a gift to us all, and I am grateful.
Very lovely. Thank you. Your art is beautiful, the same as you.
Thank you ❤️🩹
Thank you; it’s beautiful. Your telling me over and over that depression lies helped me get through a very tough week recently. I just kept repeating it to chase the demons away.
Another poignant perspective from a web comic I love https://somethingpositive.net/comic/sad-brain-storms/
You’ve gotten mail from me. I make more mistakes that a kid left alone for the weekend with no security cameras & a well stocked alcohol cabinet.
You are a wonder. Even though I don’t know you I have loved you since 2009. You have helped me through many rough patches with your words and your humor. I want YOU to stay. Always. We need you and more people like you. You are such a special spark in a sometimes dark world. I am coming to San Antonio for the eclipse and plan to visit Nowhere. I am so excited about that! Remember that depression lies. And that you are loved. 💜
I think your handwriting is great.
Yes, I needed to see this today. Feeling so completely imperfect, I was wondering if I would ever be whole, be worth it. Whatever “it” is. I can breathe now. I’m staying.
Oh Jenny, I know I’m not the only person who was touched and uplifted by your post. I needed this so badly tonight. Thank you.
Thank you for the reminder to find the gold in the daily mess. The gold that shine so bright during those darkest nights.
Whenever you feel up to posting I’ll be here to read and appreciate your unique take on life the universe and everything
❤️❤️❤️
That’s really a wonderful gift. Thank you.
It is hard to stay sometimes. You reached my heart once more.🙏🏻
Damn. This is awesome. Thank you.
<3 Thank you for letting your light shine and helping others out of the darkness.
Damn. Everything about your post is awesome. Thank you.
Thank you! 💜
Your artwork and words always bring me so much joy even when I am in a state where that feels impossible. I am thankful for your sharing and humour.
Love this! Every imperfect word of it! Hits home on so many levels. Thank you for this and showing that vulnerability is the key to living. ❤️
oh yes, lovely and beautiful…sweet pea, oh wait, sweet orange 🙂
This is beautiful. And I want you to know how much you’ve helped me talk to my daughter, who has depression. You’ve helped so many people find the words (depression lies).
Oh Jenny— I could wax poetically about how I am a Jennifer and all of the neurodivergent crap that happens in my head in my life but I feel like I’d be preaching to the choir. What I can say with all certainty is that I needed this today. I have a copy of all of your books, except for the one that is onlydigital and the calendar and the coloring book which I have colored in. I’m so happy I have you in my life even though we’ve never met in person. Love Jennifer
This is so beautiful. And I am crying again, but this time with love for you because you get it.❤️
💜💜💜
I get so tired of Uranus being in tardigrade.
I’ve wanted to leave this life, most of my life.
I really appreciate hearing somebody say “stay”
Wow, I needed this so much today. Thank you, dear friend. May you know what a blessing you are to the world.
Thank you. ❤️
So well said Jenny, thank you for sharing! And you have really cool handwriting – I love it! I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to mess something up and trying to do it perfectly. I used to have an arty job and I could feel so scared of not producing the best thing in the whole world. I’m too ill now unfortunately and can’t do most of the things I could so am forced to do things imperfectly a lot, which is uncomfortable but perhaps what I need. I also realised that I don’t connect with things that are too perfect – maybe I don’t even like them – so why was I trying to do it all perfectly?! The urge to perfect and the instinct that the things I produce (and by extension… me!) aren’t good enough still persists but reminding myself of that seems to help a little bit. Please keep on being imperfect, it makes us unique and interesting and it’s why we love you! x
My kiddo just came home from the hospital after a suicide attempt. I think it might for them, too. Thank you for knowing all of us.
Thank you so much, Jenny. Your “I hope you stay” came at just the right moment. I’m feeling so alienated and depressed I can hardly stand it. But your “I hope you stay” has helped me tremendously.
love
These thoughts are perfect – and I needed them today. Thank you.
Love you so much, Jenny. Thank you.
Just what I need right now. Thank you.
Perfectly imperfect. Reminds me of a book I’ve just finished reading – Broken Light by Joanne Harris.
I did need to see this today. One more reason to add to my slowly growing list of why I need to stick around, even when it seems pointless and unnecessary, when I seem pointless and unnecessary.
It’s quite obvious that you, your thoughts and feelings, and most importantly your unique ability to open the eyes and hearts of those lucky enough to find you, that you are a gift to us all. You are opening doors and allowing everyone to feel the light. You are “Tesla for the soul”, and I love you!
Thank you. Just what I needed today. 💕
Beautiful, especially your words.
Beautiful, top to bottom, left to right. Just beautiful.
Your words are perfect. I’ve been struggling lately putting on the mask so no one knows. These words help. Thank you
🥰
This is so beautiful I can hardly breathe. If this isn’t perfection, then I’m not interested in perfection!
I’m not leaving, but I just want to feel joy again…
Wow…that is fricken deep. When one heart touches another heart the whole outcome can change in an instant. Well said.
Hope you are still reading responses. I related to what you said about coloring digitally, because you didn’t want to mess up your original. I can top that. I ordered two of your coloring books; one to keep ‘perfect’ and the other to use. Then I ordered a third one and asked you to sign it.
All three books remain pristine. No color (like my life sometimes).
Maybe I need a 4th book and written permission to color outside the lines….
Perfect imperfections makes us uniquely perfect.
I’m one of the many who follow you & also struggle with anxiety, depression, not being “good enough”. (Add in “autism spectrum” & it’s an interesting life.) Always the “different” kid, I often thought of myself as “socially retarded”. Thank you for sharing your story with us!! PS: every time I recall your story of “dead arms” it brings me joy! thank you!
I love you guys so much.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. Thank you <3
holy fuck. that hit me right in the – i don’t even know. but i felt it. right down inside where the dark resides, and the light never reaches. so thank you. thank you for sharing. thank you for piercing that dark with your words and your thoughts. and making it just a little less dark, and a little more light.
Thank you 💜 Definitely needed this after the chaos of the last few weeks (dealing with anxiety, depression, and SEVERE imposter syndrome). I hope to meet you one day and (if you’re up for it) give you a hug and thank you in person. You are such a wonderful light and I appreciate you.
<3 Keep going for The Perfect Apricot. Blenheim. Plucked straight from a tree and sun warm.
And, we love you, too.
Perfect doesn’t exist. It’s an idea placed out there to tease us and push us to a place that isn’t there. The reality is, life is messy. We need to embrace that with love and acceptance.
This touches a deeply vulnerable place for me. That place is like a bruise on the fruit… We see it’s darkness and want to call it ruined, but it makes it sweeter. Unless you ignore it and let those dark spots grow.
So here’s to never letting those bruises ruin the fruit.
Makes me think of Barbara Streisand in the song Don’t Rain on My Parade- “Ooh, life is juicy, juicy, and you see, I gotta have my bite, sir.”
It’s like the difference between living and just existing. You gotta eat the fruit, bruises and all. Experience every part and not let the fruit rot on the vine. And keep looking for that most perfect orange. Keep believing you’ll find it.
Jenny, in the soul-healing arts you are a master.
Very few things make it past the protective walls I have erected, but your words pierced through to my core and the truth and beauty of them made me cry. You are a gift to the world, just like the shiny plum. I stay, for my child, but it is hard sometimes. Your reminder that there is joy waiting for us is such a balm.
Thanks for sharing here as I’m not on your art stack.
Thank you Jenny
I really like your artwork. I like your handwriting too and I always have. Isn’t it funny how we don’t perceive ourselves as others do? I like how the words are on the outside and wrap around the image and are staggered.
And I read it twice and without a dictionary in front of me to check I am still not really sure what word was spelled wrong and I have a master’s degree plus 2 more years of grad school and am an educator. Oh well!!! I’ll let it be a great mystery….
I remember reading about a woman who felt her nose was too big but her husband felt her nose made her her. It was individual and unique to her. Ahhhhh…. Beauty ….
I’m truly so thankful to you, Jenny, for your empathy and that you bring so much light to the world. You posted this the day before my pre-op appointment for surgery, which I read and really needed. I’m having a hysterectomy, which includes removal of my fallopian tubes, uterus, and cervix due to adenomyosis. This has been years in the making to get to this point. Regardless I was going back and forth about whether or not to even do this next surgery, (religious reasons mixed with being childless, etc) but your words truly resonated very deeply with me “I want you to live fully.” I felt that right in my heart.
I cannot live fully and do all the good I want to do in life with my condition going untreated. Thank you Jenny. I went to the appointment yesterday, and my surgery will happen (hopefully) on May 1st if the hospital is available. Your other quote “I hope you know how important you are” made me well up too.
I wear a mask regularly due to medical reasons and last week a couple came up to me and mocked me for wearing a mask. This was one of a handful of times that total strangers have verbally attacked me for wearing a mask in public in the past year. I went into a dressing room at that store and cried, as I felt like total garbage for simply existing. Thank you for reminding others and myself that we matter, and to stay.
There’s always hope. 2.5 years ago, I didn’t think so. Then I did a clinical trial for Spravato. This medication is game changing. I’m finally enjoying life! Hang in there, everyone. It really can get better!
Some days your posts are the sweetest orange I need. Other days it is the hummingbird that stopped to stare at me through the window. Some days my mind is a dark and stormy place, on a bright sunny day. Somehow we manage to make it through the dark. I’m glad you are in my world. You are my friend. Even if we never meet.
Jenny, you are a force for good in the universe and I love you. ♥️🐇♥️
It’s like a lovely poem with a great drawing, thanks for this.
I think “I hope you eat the sweetest orange” should become a standard greeting or goodbye or birthday wish. It conveys love and caring and joy and hope. Thank you!
There is a Japanese Zen story about a monk who found enlightenment in his butcher’s shop. The Zen master was coming for dinner so the monk hurried to the butcher. “Give me the best steak you have!” he demanded. The butcher looked at him and smiled. “Every steak here is the best steak”, he replied. That was the moment of enlightenment for the monk.
Every orange could be the sweetest, every wildflower just might be the prettiest. The journey is worth it. Love you, Jenny!
I don’t know if you are still reading these or if an outside perspective can ever make a difference on this inner critic stuff, but I love your handwriting. I think it’s beautiful but more than that it makes me happy. Like the home of a friend that’s never pristine but always feels welcoming.
Your orange is perfectly imperfect. And I wonder if there is anyone who actually likes their own handwriting. Or middle name…
Thank you for not waiting for the perfect words. You found them anyway.
A month ago my brother committed suicide. At 52 he decided he couldn’t stay any longer. We are reeling from his loss.
(Sending you so much love. ~ Jenny)
I used to think a lot about not staying. There were three things that kept me from leaving. My mother and father, who I knew would be devastated for the rest of their lives. They did not deserve that. My cats, who I worried would be confused and sad and scared when their lives changed abruptly. And lastly, I always thought that If I quit now, nothing will ever get better. So, I stayed. Since those dark days, my has life changed in ways I never could have imagined, and I’m truly living my best life now. I’m so glad I stayed. Shout-out to the meds that allow me to be who I truly am, which tore off the smothering blanket of depression. Cymbalta, lamotrigine, and I did this together.
(I’m so glad you’re still here. ~ Jenny)
You wrote like your limbic system finally got to freely exhale and then take a deep breath back in. Thank you for caring about all of us (including you) so much to share honestly. These are the moments we stay for. These and the sweetest oranges.
Beautifully said. Comparison, whether by ourselves or others, in life, talent, fruit, art, etc., steals our joy when we perceive ourselves to be on the losing end. It often prevents us from doing things we love because we are overly-influenced by what other people may say.
As example, I rarely sing in front of other people, not because I can’t, but because my oldest sister is so extremely talented I did not want to be compared to her. I do love to sing, but mostly limit myself to singing along with the radio or the occasional “Happy Birthday” song. Added to that, I have never cared for the spotlight in what I consider to be large gatherings. I do, however, know where my strengths lie. I have a knowledge base that is good and comprehensive in my chosen fields (law enforcement and child welfare), and I excelled there. Now that I’m retired, I have also picked back up with my love of art and learned to do pottery and sculpture. I’m not great, but I have fun with it, and my pieces are uniquely my own. It brings me joy.
It seems I put off reading this until I needed it. And now I’m crying. Thank you.
Jennifer Michael Hecht wrote a book with the same title, after 2 friends killed themselves a year apart. She looks at what philosophers (She has a Ph.D. in Philosophy but is also a poet) say about suicide in order to convince people to stay.