This is an embarrassing post to write but sometimes that’s what writing is all about, and if it gets to even one person who needs to read this right now it’s worth it.
So.
Depression can look like a lot of things to different people. For some it’s sadness. For others it’s numbness. Some of us hide away and some of us hide it and look just like we normally do. For me, it’s often an overpowering exhaustion that feels like it’s always been there and will never leave. Normal errands feel impossible and even just existing feels quite literally like trudging through knee-high mud. It’s like having the flu, except without the horrible fever that would make it seem real to everyone else who isn’t trapped in your head.
My world is sometimes a reflection of that depression. There’s a room that Hailey once used for homeschooling during covid that later became a place where I dumped everything that I was too tired to deal with during my darker times. I could close the door on it and pretend that it didn’t exist and that I wasn’t creating my own version of “Hoarders”. But then I got covid and had to use that room to work in, to take zoom calls in, and record podcasts in. And it was mortifying to let people see that but also, I found that working in that room (instead of the dining-room-turned-office I normally use that literally has no doors) was so much better for my focus. So I started living in the garbage labyrinth and wondering if this was a sign that I needed more therapy.
Until last month when I started coming out of my latest depression and suddenly everything that would have taken SO MUCH ENERGY was easy. I was reminded why other people say, “I don’t understand why life is so hard for you…you must be lazy.” Because it suddenly wasn’t hard at all. But not because I was lazy or not. The only thing that changed was my depression lifted and the symptoms (real and valid and absolutely true) lifted as well and I was able to breathe and work and clean and organize and move like a neurotypical person.
I wrote more than ever. I caught up on deadlines. And at night I stayed up to organize the room.
It’s still messy. The carpet is ancient and there are boxes of comics stacked in corners and nothing matches, but at this moment it’s my favorite room in the whole house. Both because I’ve reclaimed it and because it’s a physical reminder that even chronic depression passes…that the dark times don’t last forever. That it’s worth it to keep going.
And if you’re trapped in your own labyrinth right now (whether physically or mentally) please know that you are not alone. That you are more than your messiest, hidden parts. That things will get better even when depression tells you they won’t. That you will write again or create again or smile again. That so many of us struggle (even when we may be too ashamed to show it) so you shouldn’t judge yourself by your idea of everyone else’s shiny lives.
We’re all out there taking baby steps.
Keep breathing.
I did need this. I have to clean up my own thing today and it’s just been so hard to start. This gives me a bit of hope that I can do it. So thank you for being willing to share this.
Thank you
Thank you for this description. Do you take meds for depression or just live with it until it passes?
(I take meds every day, do therapy, etc. But I have treatment-resistant depression so meds help but aren’t a perfect answer. Lately I’ve been doing IV ketamine therapy once every 6 weeks and it’s helped a bit. ~ Jenny)
I felt this so much. Trying to reclaim my house currently and it’s so overwhelming.
Thank you 🩷
You are such an amazing human being! Thank you!
Needed this today. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you for this post Jenny. You are brave and wonderful.
Oh my wonderful Jenny- I think you just described my life- and I love you for it.
So well put ❤️
Just love you😘
This was beautiful and absolutely everything I needed right now
Everyone’s experience is different of course, but depression and anxiety have been my lifelong homies, and I can relate to the absolutely overwhelming feeling of all the stuff you gotta do and have no desire or energy to do. It all seems like too much, no matter how small or easy the task might really be.
I’m so glad you’re out of the latest bout with the darkness.
So deep in the hole right now and feeling like there’s no way out. This is a good reminder that it will (eventually) get better.
Thank you, I needed to hear this.
I’ve described it as “swimming through Jell-O.” Everything just feels 1000 times harder than usual. Having that sensation right now, in fact. Thanks for the reminders that it’s not laziness, and it is not permanent.
I’m motivated to begin Broken. It’s been sitting in my nightstand since the day you released it.
(Read it, friend. ~ Jenny)
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been dealing with my own depression since my husband passed away 2 years ago-just putting anything I couldn’t handle into his old office until I could. This weekend I began going thru boxes in a ruthless manner, deciding what to donate. It is still a mess (and so am I) but I took a bunch of boxes to a local charity and am feeling a little lighter.
(Lighter. That’s exactly the word. Sending you so much love. ~ Jenny)
Sometimes I don’t even know how much depression has affected me until I emerge and suddenly have the desire and energy to deal with the mess I’ve allowed to accumulate. I’ve been dealing with depression by acting like everything is ok, and few people even know I’m having difficulty. Thanks for giving me a place to say these things!
Thanks for letting us see. It helps me realize what my not-normal-form-me clutter represents. Little by little I’ve been getting through it, and OMG does that lack of clutter ease the mind—depression or not. But it’s much less depressing to look at. Congrats on regaining your room!
I have been in a deep, dark, hole for weeks. I am struggling. Thanks for showing there may be light at the end of this tunnel.
I needed this so much. Thank you for sharing. I have a room like this in my house…and it’s spilling out into other rooms. And I’m struggling to not feel like crazy-inflatable-waving-arms-Kellye every time I think about all the piles of work to be done at home and at my actual work. But I stop and breathe. And I remind myself I am strong. And this sadness will lift at some point.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your post couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. It’s so easy to write one’s neurodiversity/mental illness off as a lack of drive, motivation, focus, or concentration when in fact everything the most difficult task you have ever faced! I currently have a physical labyrinth of an office that I just don’t want to face. It further casts a spotlight on my failures and shortcomings when I go into the room. Looking at the stacks of text books, notebooks, and haphazardly thrown notes compounds these feelings into intense emotions I do not want to face, so I keep the door closed… for now.
You are an inspiration, and a much needed reminder that depression lies and we aren’t alone. Thank you.
This is what my own depression looks like. Thank you. xoxo
I don’t have depression, but I am dealing with my own labyrinth of a different kind, and this really resonates with me. Thank you.
I needed to see this today. Helping a loved one who is trapped in it. I’ll introduce her to you. Welcome back into the sunshine!
My entire home is starting to envelope me. I have three grown sons, a husband, a giant dog and an awful cat. I can’t seem to find a place to start and I get overwhelmed and hide in bed. I just can’t start. We’ve stopped having people over and I never understood how hoarding could start but I feel that looming over me. It’s not even my things, my fear of moving or throwing out something that belongs to the men and getting yelled at for losing their stuff. I’ve begged my husband to let me find help, a professional organizer and a house cleaner, but he feels that since I don’t work (due to chronic physical and mental health conditions), I should be able to handle this. I don’t know how to make him understand or how to get help or how to just do anything other than freeze.
(Try inviting a nonjudgmental friend over to be there while you toss stuff. They don’t have to do anything and can bring their own work but sometime having someone with you can help a lot during paralysis. ~ Jenny)
Thank you for this post! My depression is so bad lately that I cannot focus or work much.
I am also on meds that don’t work completely and I cry constantly. I have considered Ketamine but I am afraid of the effects. I know that you have suffered for years, would you consider the Ketamine to be the best treatment that you have tried?
(For me, Ketamine and TMS have similar results but I find ketamine to be easier and faster. And I’ve changed meds over the years that sometimes work and sometimes do. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor. ~ Jenny)
I love this – thank you for the reminder that it can get better. And you are a hero for making such extraordinary efforts; it’s wonderful to hear when the efforts are rewarded. Keep up the good work, we love you and need you!
So well said, as always. Thank you for inspiring so many, for showing that imperfections (or what we think are imperfections) are not to be ashamed of, but are all a part of who we are. We all need to be kinder to ourselves. Hugs to you.
I feel seen. I read a book called “Eat That Frog” that talks about preventing procrastination by completing the most onerous tasks FIRST. But sometimes, every, single activity feels like eating a frog. I know I’m in a bad space when taking a shower is something I put off because it feels overwhelming.
I so needed to see this! I have a couple of rooms like that now, and I just can’t seem to get started on the clean up and organizing. It’s so hard. Everything is a challenge that I just don’t want to tackle. I feel like I have lost joy in doing the things I loved to do. Ugh. Thanks for letting me know it’s not just me.
Needed this when today is such a struggle to get up and everything hurts!
I know we can wait it out but sometimes it seems like it’s impossible.
Thank you for making it known and funny and ok and loving to talk about how difficult it can be at times!
Thank you for this. I’m in the midst of a rough time right now. I made the decision to trust someone I probably shouldn’t have, and then depression got in the way of my acting soon enough. So it’s kind of a mess. But I’m doing what I can to fix things, and believing that it will get better. Posts like this help
much needed today, sending lots of gratitude, posting those photos was a sign of bravery I admire
“So I started living in the garbage labyrinth…” – felt that one big time as depression has lingered for me the last few years. Just starting to break through the last few weeks. Thank you so much for sharing this, and for having shared for years now.
Thanks so much. Nailed it!
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train, it’s New Jersey. Knowing that things will pass is a fantastic coping mechanism. It’s one I use quite often. Pretending to be neurotypical is hard on it’s own. Being productive and achieving goals, that’s F’N phenomenal. Celebrate every victory. Persist.
Thank you so much for this post. It’s a great reminder that the light does come back in — regardless of how dark things can get.
I understand I wish I could send this to my son who is bipolar and for 4 weeks was drowning in full on depression and when that happened he becomes extremely angry and lash out verbally to people who love him including me all of sudden he stops trusting himself and others we his family and friends become his enemies so we all become depressed to me that horrible disease becomes a virus who passes from to his loved ones . to make it worse his insurance his useless and the medication his been on for 6 years its Starting to fell him but at last that cycle its gone but for how long and for me his mother seeing him suffering its h
Hell. But I live in hope because every time he comes out of the black hole to me its a victory over that horrid monster so I understand what you and your family are going true and applaud you Bravo showing the world what depression its all about and because of it he makes me feel better THANK YOU !💖
It can be exhausting. No, it is way past exhausting. I have ups and lows, and the lows are always reflected in my environment and my actual looks. I get asked “are you sick? What’s wrong?” I want to answer yes I am sick but not in a way that you would get. The highs are wonderful, my house is clean, my car is clean and we have clean laundry! When the lows hit, I have to lean on my husband a lot. It’s not easy for someone used to doing it all, not being able to do much of anything. Part of my wellness is understanding my limits and asking for help. I understand this post so much! Can we please get a closer look at all the little creatures behind glass?
I needed to read this today, thank you! I’m very much in the middle of garbage hoarder living and trying to dig myself out.
I was so very grateful to read this, Jenny. Thank you for sharing your journey. It means so much to me – and so many others.
I moved into a Senior Living facility in April and still haven’t completely unpacked yet. I just sit on the couch and think about what I ought to be doing. Friends want to come visit and see my new home, but I. Just. Can’t.
With your permission, I would like to create a T-shirt that refutes constant childhood admonishments:
Depression:
IT TAKES SO MUCH ENERGY = You must be lazy
<3 Susan
(Of course! Also, keep in mind that good friends won’t judge. I had a friend over for the first time in months and she commented how much she loved that my xmas tree was still up. ~ Jenny)
Depression has many ‘looks’. Not everyone is down, maybe sad, closed off. I ended up taking another full time job, went to the gym twice a day, stopped eating and ended up close to 100lbs (at 5’11” kinda skinny). The most important thing to know is this: we are legion, so, so many of us! Please be kind to someone, every day, you really could change a life. Kindness has never hurt. Kindness will make you feel better when you give it. I has worked for me!
You are an inspiration, and we love you!
I struggle with depression, but am not feeling it right now. But my house is a disaster and even the thought of cleaning is exhausting. I’m not normally like this… so your post has me delving into my mind. Am I actually depressed? Have I hidden it so well that I didn’t even notice? Or is it something else going on? Thank you for posting this… it got me really thinking, which I needed to do. Much love to you!!!
Thank you! Seeing and knowing that someone else is going through it, has gone through it, will probably go through it again, feels extremely validating in ways beyond someone just saying, “it sucks now, but eventually you’ll get through it.” ❤️
I’m so proud of you. ❤️
I did the organization thing in my studio. Took three days (I also have Covid) and kicked my depressed, sick ass, but it’s done, and I’m proud of myself.
Give yourself sooo many back pats!
I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Like you and others I’m reclaiming my house–it’s slow going. I’ve had deeper depressions but I think I also have an ongoing low level thing going on. So plans to do things, even one or two “manageable” things, get made but then the weekend comes and I…just don’t do it. I’m learning to take advantage of the times I actually feel like I can do stuff. I had kind of decided maybe a little of it was my being lazy too, in addition to this, especially because it’s not a deep depression episode, but now I feel better and will tell myself it probably isn’t LOL
Wholy s**tballs!! That’s an amazing before and after job you did. Buy yourself new books and taxidermy friends as a present for an amazing job! <3 Well done 😀
I am truly happy to see this. Part of #deppressionlies for me is that when I have these moment I want to believe the darkness won’t return. It is a continuous struggle.
Thank you. I really needed this reminder right now.
Just – wow. Isn’t it great how the universe gives you what you need at the right time? Thank you for your spot-on description of what living with depression feels like. And, congrats on doing a Very Hard Thing and putting your office in order. I have tackled my own labyrinth and, for now, it’s pretty orderly (for me). My old office (my husband’s, now that he’s started working from home) used to have a sign on the door that helped me to cope with the mess: Room of Requirement (in Harry Potter font). It wasn’t far from the truth – you could pretty much find anything you needed in that room. Wishing you continuous times of joy, insight and open spaces. <3
Thank you, Jenny. As important as it is to give ourselves permission, it helps to have outside validation too. Every step counts, not just the big fancy obvious ones.
Thank you! You help LOTS of people. You helped me when I first did TMS. Did it again last winter and my depression/anxiety went away completely. Now it’s back, today all I can see are my messy bits. Think I need a tune-up or change in meds and have to wait 10 days to see someone. I want to feel better NOW. I am reassured by your saying that it will change, it’s not forever. I will be ok.
Well said 🙂
Timely. After our house was destroyed by a tornado, we knew we were in for the hardest year of our life dealing with the insurance company, building a new house, etc. I sustained 2 concussions while staying in the hotel and more (now in a temp apt). But never in my life did I expect the complete sucker punch I cannot share that came out of nowhere and has left me, while already dealing shit, heartbroken and wallowing in a major depression. On top of it, I just did a med switch so I’m dealing with the side effects.
This too shall pass…like a baseball sized kidney stone.
I was finally diagnosed with ADHD last year at 53 and I know it’s gonna take me decades to unpack the fact that I wasn’t just lazy or weird or slovenly. That i am neurodivergent. Once I got medicated and started working on behavioral changes, had a similar experience of being able to go into a room and tidy and straighten it up and feel like I’ve got some control back and to be creative and to get things done. and because of your model of being open, I have felt comfortable doing the same with family and colleagues. XOXO (let me know if you want to talk CPAPs)
I need to reclaim my house, basically. Every time I try it’s like playing Tetris – there are a billion things I need to do first it seems like. So despair kicks in and I do almost nothing. It doesn’t help we have too much stuff I am too attached to. I am slowly chipping away at corners, at least.
So proud of you, Jenny. For the acknowledgement and understanding you provide yourself (when you can), and others (all the time). It means so much to so many of us. That room is amazing, thank you for sharing. 💕💕
Depression is brutal. When you feel you’re drowning, it never seems possible to come up for air. But, you do. And in that hellish time it’s almost impossible to convince yourself that it will get better.
Jenny, how do you convince yourself, or do you realize you’re better after it happens?
Thank you. I needed this. Our space frequently feels like a reflection of our minds at home. It’s a bit overwhelming. My spouse and I both work from and we have kids and critters and a lot of stuff. But I just try to tell myself: I’m not my stuff. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse, sometimes I just need to read a book. “How to Keep House While Drowning,” by KC Davis helps me.
And again. Kindred spirits. 🤍
My bathroom and bedroom all look like this. It’s never ending
Commenter #28 Kristina, I know exactly how you feel.
My ex-husband was a major hoarder and he hasn’t gotten all of his stuff out of my apartment yet, and I can’t touch any of it or he’ll freak out.
I am disabled and it’s difficult to get stuff done, but I like to clean and organize when I’m depressed, and his stuff is holding me hostage so I can’t do anything.
And I am dependent on his paying my alimony and helping me if I need help, because I don’t have anybody living nearby me who would help me.
And I understand he’s paralyzed by his own depression into not wanting to do anything that is not fun ( like moving his stuff.)
And he is caring for his disabled elderly mother, so between her needs and working he has very little free time.
But it’s been going on 6 months now since the divorce was finalized (that he wanted,) and he hasn’t gotten his stuff out!
It’s enough to make you want to curl up into a little ball.
But I’m trying to just clean up my own stuff a little at a time, and to rearrange and organize and get rid of what I can.
I usually find if I concentrate on just one tiny section at a time, and tell myself I’ll only do that small section, then it gets easier to do the next section when I have completed the first section, baby steps.
As for his stuff, I feel like I can’t give him an ultimatum because he’s on his last straw of sanity, and I don’t want to push him over the edge.
But I think I’m going to give him a timeline that he has meet to get some progress every week, or I’ll just pack it up myself.
I can very much relate. And I love your Hagen-Renaker mini collection. 🙂
I just have no energy lately . My whole house looks like your one room . I can’t read or focus on anything as everything seems overwhelming now . I
Hope I come out of this soon as it’s debilitating for me .
That room looks great!! Congrats on the lifting of the fog.
Thank you. I am so overwhelmed right now that I get up, I go to work, I eat dinner, and I hide in bed until I can finally fall asleep again. Nothing is getting done at home. It feels like a giant wave creeping up behind me that is going to collapse on top of me and bury me at any second. It is nice to know that there are other people going through the same thing and we can come out the other side.
Jenny! I’m
Jennifer. Or Jenn . 2 call me Jenny . My husband and a man who I had an addictive crush on from 15 to 18 and I virgin sexually and mentally abused me . Handsome ! Eventually married a close friend . He abused in other ways and another marriage to one of the most beautiful women . Another marriage failed. Anyway I stumbled across you on my Substack . Recently joined. Jennifer Ward Dudley. Depression . Yup. Panic Disorder Yup . The gamut. Years of trauma. Medication. 3 women therapists who I owe life support, sanity and growth. I was born and raised in BHills ca. 5 sisters. Father film producer and director. Not the Brady bunch ! I escaped to nyc @21. Married when 27. 3 children, 5 grands. Outside looks divine . I’ll never be completely grounded . Oh the love of my life have been 2 black labs. Searay who didn’t survive to his 8th birthday. He gutted my heart. Alvin came into my life 4 months after Searay . Kismet . He is a majestic English black lab. He was 6 now 11. My anti depressants! I’m glad I met you.
Thank the goddess for you and your beautiful honesty! It’s good to remind people that depression looks like different things in different people. It runs in my family and takes different forms for each of us. I’m a SAD person, so I can change with the weather. 🙄 Keep up the good work, woman!! 💜
Thank you for writing this. I’m going through this right now, and it’s hard to fathom it lifting. But It does, I guess.
Wow. I needed this more than I thought. My depression often looks like being tired and unmotivated. And cluttered. And every single thing is so much harder than seems reasonable. And holy fuck, am I depressed right now? Yeah, I guess I am. It’ll pass. I’m lucky that it always does. But it helps when I can actually recognize it for what it is.
I’m so glad yours has lifted and hoping mine follows suit sooner than later.
You, my dear, rock.
Thank you so much for this..I really needed it right now. Hope you can keep going as well! Love you!!
I needed this today.
Your posts on depression resonate so strongly for me. I almost cry with relief. It makes me forgive myself a little when I am struggling. It is hard not to just tell myself to snap out of it. I realize that doesn’t work. And more importantly what works is to remind myself as you have said “depression lies” and “this will pass”. You are such a marvelous writer, but you are an even better person, mentor and mensch for what you give to those of us who struggle.
Mine is close to this, too. I just seem unable to do more than a couple of things a day that require high executive function. I’m so glad there is some relief in your head.
I hear you and see you and am grateful that you showed up for me today, even though we’ve never met. <3
Thank you for sharing again and helping people see the truth about depression. It was you who first taught me that “depression lies” and in my hardest hours I can still hang onto that thought (sometimes only just) and try and wait for the lies to stop. Thank you.
Congratulations on emerging from the clouds! I have been trying to work myself up to start throwing things away, because of the guilt I feel over not using them. That would just leave me with the guilt over tossing vs donating or selling, but it’s too hard to do either in my current situation.
We love you so much Jenny!!! Your words are always so perfect, I relate so often. Then I wonder why I haven’t met many like-minded people such as those that follow you, there are thousands of us. Then it dawned on me, most of us are introverted, probably neurospicy, awkward as shit, and prefer to stay home. Like your post last week….or was it the week before? We are all friends, we just haven’t met yet.
Good on you. Depression can precede growth. This life of ours is the becoming of our true self. Some people have more dips than others. The new age/era will create more sensitivity. There is a lot of undeveloped consciousness out there. The struggle on the road to new maturity will create maturation. Hugs. .
Thanks for sharing!
Maybe we should come up with a word other than “Depression” that differentiates from the casual use of that word. Sometime I specify Clinical Depression to help people understand, but even that only goes so far.
I’m in bed, feeling incapable of anything. I’ve tried all the things to help myself, but it got worse. I’ve been berating myself for being pathetic.
And then this wandered into my email, and I felt at least human.
I’m still in bed. I’m still trying to go shower and eat.
But at least I remember that depression is legitimate. Thank you, Jenny. (My phone insisted your name was “Kenny,” but I fought it.)
Thank you. As always, you give me hope.
Thank you for sharing and for the reminders. I did a load of dishes last night and laundry and am so proud of myself while at the same time so frustrated that i can’t manage to just be “normal”.
Thank you. For the reminder. And for your blog. And your books. And for sharing in the first place. Just thank you.
::::looks around the hellhole she calls an office/guest room::::
:::sighs:::
Yeah.
The chronic Fibromyalgia pain WILL, eventually ease up, therefore the pain induced depression/anxiety will lift.
Then, this might resemble a place in which I can do the things that bring me joy.
Until then, we just do other things that bring joy, which don’t need to be done in this cesspit.
That includes actually reading the books from our book club.
(I’m trying to make a dent in the three+ years of TBR pile. Really, I am.)
I get like this too. Full disclosure, I had new flooring (laminate) put in back in October 2024. I could not summon the energy to sweep, vacuum or mop them at all until about 4 weeks ago. Those of us who have been there get you 100%. I never judge the state of my friends’ homes because I don’t live in their shoes. I ask if I can help but never judge. Thank you for sharing this with us! ❤️🫂
Thank you so much for sharing this! I wish I could convey to you how much this means to me as I continue in my own struggles. You have made a difference!
Thank you. I’m so tired of napping all the time. I’m tired when I get up from napping. I wish I were one of my cats.
Like you, I have reprieves. Each time, I wonder when the boom will lower again. Thank you for offering up a community here.
I just had a similar experience after a pretty solid 2 year depression spell. What I haven’t figured out yet is, how do I enjoy the light times when I know the dark is just around the corner again? I’m so tired of being tired…
So proud of you. 🩷🩷🩷
Yes. This is EXACTLY what it looks like. The last time I was in a real deep ditch I kept obsessing over how my front yard looked. So I took a couple of days to really go at it, and make it how I wanted it to look, and it really helped. Just one small corner of my chaotic universe needed cleaning up and I guess it gave me the foothold I needed to begin cleaning up other things.
I am on FIVE different medications for depression, OCD, PTSD, anxiety and panic disorder and some other medications supposed to stop nightmares so I can sleep more than a couple of hours. Some I take once, twice or three times a day. Some I take more than one at a time.
I still walked out of a pain management doctor’s office (my first time there) after I was curled up in a corner and starting to self harm. I walked out of the office with blood running down my arm and said I needed to leave. Of course, they wanted me to wait and chased me to my car asking about another appointment.
I was tempted to wipe the blood all over my shirt and run screaming into the waiting area, but was too concerned about getting to a safe place (home).
So, while I don’t have a messy room (see reference to OCD), I have a messy head that tells me I’m only safe in my bubble of home.
I’m proud of your accomplishment and look forward to not being terrified of going anywhere or wanting to scare waiting patients.
Lots of love.
I feel this so much. Thank you. ❤️
Yes, that is how it feels! Everything just takes Too Much energy to complete. I have been there more than once!
I can completely relate to everything you’ve written here! I managed to clean up my bedroom from its piles and piles I just kept ignoring. It’s now neater (not perfect, but so much better) and it’s my favorite room. I feel so relaxed and proud of myself!
And I’m proud of you!!
Thank you. If it makes you feel any better, that’s what all my place looks like now and has for months (even the bed, the cats and I just cling to the edge). It’s depressing but I’m feeding myself and the mogs and working, and if I have enough spoons the next on the list is showering and brushing my hair, so simply have to wait for the energy to clean. Or a wildfire, whichever comes through first.
I don’t call it “fighting” depression, more like “flowing through the depression.” I was fired two weeks ago (thanks, no cause employment state). Have been rage cleaning to keep me from literally falling apart. Every small area or item I deep clean brings a sense of doing, accomplishment, and a sign that I did something. Previously lost a job to budget cuts – sent me into a spiral. Took a couple of years to pull up.
The smell of Dawn dish soap, TIde Pods, and the heat of the vacuum cleaner motor are my new aroma therapy. If only I can breathe away the cortisol flush when triggered.
Thank you so much, Jenny, for your honesty and generosity in sharing. Your writing touches so many! I hope you know how appreciated you are. Thank you!!
Yes!
I’m starting to come out of at least a six.month (4 year) depression.
I cleaned a corner of my couch!
And the floor surrounding it!!
Thank you for this. Needed it!
As always I’m so grateful for your posts.
I adore you and your honesty. You nailed it 💛
I feel this so much. Thank you.
I am crying because in my whole lifetime of this battle I have never had an after picture like that. I am doing all the things and it just doesn’t pass.
Thank you, Jenny 💜
I feel like I’ve been numb forever. I haven’t had more than a day or two here or there where I can get anything I want to do done. Brushing my teeth takes Herculean effort. How, when years and years go by and you don’t feel much at all 99% of the time can I somehow manage to actually do anything more than pretend?
Fake it til you make it ain’t working for me anymore.
“Normal errands feel impossible and even just existing feels quite literally like trudging through knee-high mud.”
That’s not a regular Tuesday for aging Gen Xers? Damn. Maybe I should reassess myself! I seriously thought that was just getting older, but my house looks a lot like that before shot of your room, too, and it’s because of exactly what you said – just have no energy to deal with it. Then once in a great while, suddenly I get started and clean stuff up and it’s an amazing transformation, then eventually the cycle starts over. Interesting!
Now it’s my favorite room too. Enjoy the light Jenny.
Thank you for your willingness to share. I feel validated and encouraged in my current and chronic struggle.
🥹
❤️
You shouldn’t be embarrassed about your struggles with depression. It brought tears to my eyes to see how hard it is to live with a condition that’s not visible on the outside but so painful on the inside. Please keep sharing your journey because you’re not alone.
no reason to be embarrassed, i’m guessing by posting this, you are helping many other people
This is why i love you ❤️❤️
I love you. You get it and you put words to something for which I have words but am too exhausted from depression to make the words. I know that makes sense.
Thank you for sharing. There is still too much shame and stigma attached to mental illness. People who never experienced it do not get it and people who have are too hard on themselves. I’m proud of you and I support you. ❤️
For what it’s worth, I recently start red light therapy for pain issues, and one of the amazing, miraculous side effects is that it helps with my depression, too. My husband passed a little over a year ago, and then the pain stuff, and I felt like last year really kicked my ass. I was having problems with many things. But since starting red light therapy…I dunno, I feel lighter. Happy. Also in less pain, which helps the mood. Luckily, I had a friend who helped me get what I needed (a bed that did 850 wavelengths, and I do it 5 days a week – a season only lasts 10 mins plus undressing, redressing. And it’s way cheaper than other stuff than I tried, like acupuncture and massage). I’m not saying it will work for everyone, but for me, it’s been a life changer.
Thank you, Jenny.
I know this sounds crazy and crass, but your blog thoughts are inspiring. Keep on keepin’ on. I think most people at one time or another have had similar feelings, even if fleeting, and we wonder how to get through it. Your blog helps tremendously.
I really needed this. I’ve been struggling so hard with keeping my house clean. I’ve been battling a depressive episode, and chronic illness makes it worse, because when I finally don’t feel totally shitty, I’m too sore to do much of nothing and I don’t even make a dent.
Thank you, for reminding me to take it one day at a time.
Thank you for this. I did need to read this. And I will persevere.
Hugs and love!
Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts about depression. This is exactly what it looks like for me, and no one gets this unless they have experienced it for themselves. The exhaustion, the desire to just sleep, the inability to do the “normal” chores of everyday living. Mine is chronic, experineced it all my life, and doesn’t respond well to meds. A friend of mine actually apologized to me after experiencing depression. His was situational and shorter duration, but it hit him hard and he finally understood why I can’t just “shake it off” and “get my crap together”. I enjoy your blog. Please keep doing what you’re doing.
Man, did I need this. The last two and a half years of my life have kicked my ass. The last 8 months have almost taken me down multiple times. I’ve not written anything this year, and this year has so much content waiting to be written. I’ve lived with depression my whole life, and we’ve learned how to co-exist, but when my last family member (my mother) died, it destroyed me. I now am back at a place where I congratulate myself if I put on pants. The dogs celebrate with me if I brush my teeth. The cat has learned to eat the dog food just in case I can’t … I can’t…
Most weeks, the trash goes to the curb, but not always. When it makes it out there, we all celebrate (the zoo and me).
I am waiting for the fog to lift, and I appreciate the inspiration because I do know it will come.
So, thank you for always sharing and being open and honest.
Dear Jenny,
I’m struggling so hard right now just to get through the days. Your post has given me hope that someday this damn depression will lift and I will be able to do all the things that are impossible for me right now. I hate being trapped in here. But you helped me remember that maybe it’s not forever. Thank you.
I know my depression is taking a dive when everything is too much trouble. Eating, bathing, doing errands, etc. it all just gets to be too much to even try. Slogging through mud describes it so well. My doctor and I have been working with my meds over the past months and a week or two ago I felt like a switch flipped. I felt so much energy and was able to start to do the stuff regular people do every day. I’m disabled and my baseline energy is low on a good day. One thing at a time, one day at a time.
I always appreciate these posts – thank you 💕
I’m sure you’re not manic-depressive, because one of your gazillion doctors would have noticed it and told you by now, and you’d tell us because you’re so honest about what you have to deal with. So you’re not manic. But when you’re not depressed, I’d say you have a lot MORE energy than a typical neurotypical person. You certainly have a lot more than I do! All those collections! And models and dollhouses! Plus the writing, and being a small businesswoman. That probably makes the contrast all the more noticeable and frustrating. I could probably be depressed and hardly notice the difference, because I’m low-energy all the time. But when you get depressed, you go from 100 mph to zero. I’m glad you’re back to 100 mph; I hope it lasts.
Every time the depression hits I’m terrified that this is the time it won’t go away, so thank you for this! Things do get better, even if the depression says they won’t.
Thank you. I needed this affirmation today.Yesterday was a horridly sad day I needed to be reminded that it does not last forever.
Thank you, as always.
Have been in a depression for weeks with zero energy or motivation. Doing med changes in hopes that I come around somehow. Losing hope at almost 70 years old.
Your room looks fantastic now. Amazing accomplishment as far as I’m concerned!
I wonder how many people are alive today because of your honesty and tenacity. Thank you!
I can’t even express just how much it means to read your words. Thank you for your bravery and for being a port in a storm. I am hiding myself and just barely keeping it together. It helps to know I’m not alone. Please keep writing. We need you. I wish all good things for you.
THIS is what I needed today as I stare at my own mountain. Thank you.
Thank you Jenny! I needed this so badly. My house looks like your room, only there are no spots of floor. I feel tremendous guilt that my son, cats and even the hubby have to live like this. My problem is not only depression, but CPTSD and chronic back pain to name a few. I go online shopping to make myself feel better and escape the world, but the rush is fleeting and the financial damage is bad. I was in such a bad place yesterday. This am I saw your post and picture of the flower with HST your cat and it made me feel a bit better. Not so alone. I hope today will be less dark for me. I wish you the best on your journey. Thanks for sharing.
SUCH a satisfying before and after!!! And now I feel inspired to go organize something, too. Thank you!
Came across this as I’m sitting at home instead of being at work. It was just too much today. I really needed this so thank you.
Thank you for sharing this and putting this into words.
This is so true! My bedroom looks like this now. It’s along the edges. The saving grace is that the room is really big so most days I go blind to it. Others…I want to curl up and die because I feel like it’s going to cover me up. I get it. My adhd makes it SO hard to start a cleaning project though. If you know you know. 😭
I have long covid and me/cfs from covid so I end up literally unable to do anything, especially if I do too much. (I recently spent a week cleaning up something similar because work had to be done in my apartment and I am now on week 2 of not being able to do much and not feeling well. So I will not do that again!) This is very relatable, is my point.
I hit send before I meant to!
Anyway, thank you for sharing this. It mattes.
And lots of hugs (if you want them) to anyone else who is trapped in their own labyrinth, as Jenny puts it. You aren’t alone.
Reading this reminds me that I’m not alone. I had forgotten that. So thank you. My most frustrating problem, for many years now, is that I can’t get good sleep. I have sleep apnea, and whenever I try using my Cpap, I just can’t fall asleep. I’m starting to look into less intrusive treatments.
My other big problem is, I’ve lost a lot of muscle mass, especially in my legs. I use a wheelchair to get around now. I don’t want that to become permanent. I know that I can rebuild muscle mass at any age. And I’m exercising to do that. But I’m scared that I won’t do
enough of it. I’ll call the agency that provides me with in-home physical therapy and consult with them.
Before I found this blog again, getting better DID NOT EXIST as a possibility for me. And now it does, even if only a little bit. So I’ll be coming back. From the sharing, it’s obvious that the people in this community are the real deal. You are women and men about the business of living as well as you can.
If anyone has experience with rebuilding muscle mass, or coping with a Cpap, or with alternative treatments for sleep apnea, I would be grateful to hear about that.
Thank you for letting me into your room.
Jenny you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. So happy for you that the depression lifted a bit (hope it keeps getting better)! Glad for you that you were able to reorganize your office, catch up on writing, etc (the office looks awesome). I hope you’re celebrating your hard won victories-hope the upward trajectory continues.
I understand the weighted blanket of depression all too well that makes everyday tasks seem unbearable. I had a hysterectomy 3 months ago and I feel like I’m in quicksand. Clutter is everywhere, cleaning is practically non existent on my end, and cooking is pretty much assembling food together at this point if my husband doesn’t cook for me (toast gf bread, assemble chicken sandwich, repeat). It’s been horrifically stressful from a recovery standpoint (have had complications), financial standpoint (my insurance is ducking and covering despite following the coverage rules and having authorizations for confirmed in-network services), and I was also subject to abuse mentally by my surgeon who was also my GYN (very long story).
I have days when I just don’t want to get out of bed because I dread logging into my medical insurance portal that day and reviewing the latest with my medical claims/bills and anticipating the battles I have to continue to wage and have been doing so for 3 months. I dread the phone calls I have to make. Most days I only have the energy to be on the phone for hours five days a week with doctors offices and my insurance and that’s it-all my spoons are spent.
I’m even afraid to go to talk therapy, which I know would be a good idea for me, because I’m afraid my insurance will completely duck and cover with that too, regardless of how well I follow all of their coverage rules. The guilt that comes along with it all as well is colossal.
Thank you for reminding me though that, thankfully, nothing stays the same and that things can get better. There will come a point when I’ll be able to metaphorically clean out the corners of my life again, and I need to believe the truths that my husband and those who love me tell me all the time-that our insurance woes are not my fault, that my medical issues are not my fault, that my husband loves me sans uterus and all, and that I’m worthy of the help I need.
I’d really like to know where the leg ended up.
Thank you so much for this. Sadly, much of my house looks like your before picture. Still waiting (again) for my lifelong depression to eff off for a while, but not yet I guess. Trying new treatments and as you know… it all takes time. Depression is definitely a marathon. Not a sprint.
Even though I’ve dealt with depression my whole adult life, everything is coming to a breaking point. My mom passed in March 2023, right after I started a new job. In June of last year, my husband of 42 years passed out at work, and began the journey that turned out to be behavioral Frontal Temporal Degeneration/Dementia. In February of this year we also found out he had the genetic mutation of the gene that links BvFTD to ALS and he began having ALS which worsened quickly. He passed away on April 09 of this year at age 61. During all of this, I had to take unpaid FMLA from my job to be with him in his hospitalizations, just so I could keep money coming in and health insurance in force.
I work in the medical field and have a chart count I have to keep up (55 per day) as well as a quality score that cannot be below 95%.
Yesterday I was put on a ‘ramp up plan’ to get me up to the 55 charts per day over 4 weeks at my job. My quality is usually 98 to 100% but I cannot get to 55 charts per day. I also have migraines that are worsened by stress, and take meds for that as well. My neurologist says that 2 migraines per week is an improvement over 15 migraines per month, which is true.
My shrink has told me I am at the max doses of my meds, and it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is just an oncoming train.
Our house is too big. Boohoo, I know. but seriously, more rooms means more places to toss crap. other normal people have a junk room, I have a catalogue of junk rooms.
I have a room like this, and occasionally I tackle it and clean it, but it’s so hard to get rid of historical stuff (I am the family’s historian – with pictures and artifacts that go back about 150 years), that I end up just rearranging it more neatly, and only disposing of a small amount. I’m very impressed with your clean up job.
Kudos!
My studio is like walking through a ball pit, with random pairs of scissors floating in the chaos. My music room became an office and a dumping ground, and then it became a place to store canned goods. Our fancy sitting room became a place to put stuff from the garage—because the garage was where my mom’s stuff found a home when she moved into a nursing home. My bedroom became where I hid the good snacks from my family. Then, the ants came…
I wish I could upload a photo with my comment. I literally read this blog post while sitting in my small walk-in closet that looks like the Tasmanian devil just whirled through. There is one small path through the center to access the step stool I am currently perched on, which is surrounded by mounds upon mounds of clothes. They are all (or were at one time but have been sitting on the floor long enough now that they should be rewashed) clean, but after sorting, washing, drying and sometimes even folding, the task of hanging them back up was too much. So they get thrown on the pile of things to hang up later when I am in the proper headspace to handle it. It’s gotten to the point of being overwhelming. It’s embarrassing. For me it isn’t depression, but ADHD which can (and does) present as motivation paralysis. The small things get put off for too long and become big things that are too overwhelming to even begin. It’s a terrible cycle. When I do finally gain control, I swear to myself that I won’t let it get that bad again…but I find myself in the same terrible cycle.
Thanks once again for bringing light to another part of mental health that typically is hidden behind doors from the world. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and encouraging to see others tackle their chaos. Much love.
Thank you. I needed this this morning. Have an amazing day.
I have several rooms that look like that. It overwhelms me and I don’t do anything. You are inspirational. Maybe I can get started on them and that will help
This post – and all the replies – are making me cry. Because I so relate.
In my case, it’s not so much the depression that is making things build up in my house, but the fact that my illness (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, Long Covid’s big sister) has progressed to severe due to *long, sad story*, and what used to take me two days to recover from, physically, now takes five. As in, five days in bed, unable to do anything but go to the potty. And then when I am able to do, I have to do the things that *have* to be done, so the pile stays. And yes, it causes depression to worsen, but … lawd.
To everyone in the comments saying they trusted the wrong people: I see you, and I am so sorry. People fail us. Constantly. But not trusting anyone is worse. There are good people in the world, too. I hope you find them, and they find you.
Why do I always seem to see your posts right when I really need them? This whole year has been a crapton of NOPE for me, still desperately struggling to get used to life without my mom (who I literally lived with my entire life and now suddenly I’m living alone), flailing and stressing over 12+ years of junk/stuff I have to go through and pack in order to move at the end of October (Do Not Want, but housing assistance is apparently picky about paying for a 2-bedroom when there is only one person living here…)… The heat where I live means that at most I can pack/etc for maybe 20-30 minutes before becoming overheated and it takes at least an hour to feel semi-okay again… My anxiety seems to be better than expected with all of this, but the depression is kicking my butt.
Those before and after pictures of that room really gives me hope though, I always feel like no matter how much I do it never really makes a dent in the mess but I’m realizing that’s not true it’s just that I live in this and it’s harder for me to see the bigger differences (much like not realizing when you start coming out of a depression and others can see the difference but you just can’t see it yet).
Both of my parents died this year. I’m trying to hang on
nice artilce
Like Brend’s responded I’m shocked that A stay at home mom able to earn $7047 in one month on the computer here………………
Thank you for making me feel not alone.
I even ask myself, why can’t you just push through and clean this up, but the exhaustion is real. Once I got on meds years ago, woke up one morning and thought, gah, this place is a mess and after I plowed through cleaning everything thought wait, I didn’t have to force myself. It just all kicked in and the cloud lifted. Many medication changes later, I’ve never had that experience again, but I keep hoping tomorrow will be the day.
I’ve been taking back parts of my tiny studio apt and the cleaned nooks are so nice. While talking to my insurance company, I tested every pen in a brass catch-all and now there’s only ones that write in there. There was a vague smell under my bed from a mismatched foster cat. Pulling out my storage boxes confirmed I need to go find some enzymes or whatever magic chemical will kill the pee smell. My own cat is all “you know I didn’t do that, right‽“ Baby (kitteh) steps. Be well, fellow humans.
The After of that room is Mighty! A stunning achievment!
I can totally relate to the numbness that can come with depression. You summed it up so well. You are an inspiration to anyone who has suffered with the illness. This too shall pass!
I needed this. I have been suffering from depression and severe anxiety for several years now. I haven’t even left my apartment for a few years. Got sick. Lost my job. Rent skyrocketed and can’t find a cheaper place with a w/d since I still can’t leave my home. My place used to be immaculate pre-covid at $1140/mo. Now it’s disgusting (and is nearly $3,000 I can’t afford) and it’s making it even harder to get out of this funk. My doctors and therapist have been visibly worried. I just keep thinking I just need it to be clean or I just need to move to a new place. But then part of me takes over and worries that none of that will make any difference. It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I’ve reached out to any friends. I just don’t have it in me. I’m sinking. But this post shows me that even someone I respect and look up to struggles and knows when to take advantage of those bursts. It gives me hope I can get out of this. I just wish I could find a place I can now afford. And maybe I can lift my head a little and pick up something.
Hits so close to home. Depression lies and tells you that most of us don’t have a situation just like this (soooo many of us do)! My relative is getting good results from tiny amounts of mystical fungi.
I DID need this. Thanks very much.
The “lazy” part hits home so hard. I have fibromyalgia, eosinophilic asthma, hoshimotos, narcolepsy, and mental health struggles.
All of which are not “visible” disabilities.
I am so fortunate that I have people in my life to encourage me and tell me that resting is SMART instead of lazy, that I’m doing more than I should reasonably be capable of, not less.
But I call myself lazy. I tell myself it’s in my head. I even tell myself I’m faking it. My sister termed in “self-gaslighting”, which I think is a very accurate description.
I’m working on these thought patterns. My heart knows they’re false, but my logical mind has trouble letting go. This is why I go to therapy 😅
But thank you for reminding me that we are NOT LAZY
Thank you. Your posts always make me feel better. It’s good to not be alone even if it’s with our issues. And the room looks fabulous! 🙂
Thanks! I like it!
Jenny, this is such a powerful and honest post. It’s brave to share your struggles with depression and to offer hope to others who may be going through similar experiences. Your story is a reminder that even in the darkest of times, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your wisdom. You’re an inspiration.
khalidelarbi
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