Today Victor and I were driving home and I said, “The other day I saw an iguana sunning himself on our neighbors fence” and Victor looked at me like I was crazy but I know what I saw. And when we turned it I was like, “THERE IT FUCKING IS! DO YOU NOT SEE THAT IGUANA PERCHED ON THE GATE?”
And Victor was like, “Huh” and I said, “I bet it’s someone’s pet. Hang on. I need to catch it” and so I jumped out of the car and Victor was like, “You need to what now?” but I was hearing nothing of it because I was already right about iguanas running wild in the neighborhood and could not be stopped. And so I snuck up on it very quietly and slowly and a neighbor was watching me while watering his lawn but I didn’t let that stop me because he was going to feel really stupid when I was wrangling someone’s beloved iguana, and it would have been very impressive if the iguana didn’t turn out to be a very iguana-shaped piece of wood.
So I got back into the car and when Victor asked where the iguana was I was like, “Oh, it’s dead” which is not entirely inaccurate because that piece of wood was not alive.
And then I saw this thing on threads from WebMD about how if you have a fold in your ear you’re going to die and I totally have a fold in my ear so I texted my doctors office:
Anyway, this is just to say that it’s not even 1 in the afternoon and I have already fucked up publicly multiple times so if you are having a bad day, just know that you are among friends.
PS. I’ll be announcing book tour stops for HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY in the next day or two if I can get my shit together so watch this space. 🙂
It totally looked like an iguana in the first pic! (And now I have to go check my ears…)
That picture totally looked like an iguana. And the second one definitely looks like a ver very old iguana.
Not just friends, my dear. Kindred spirits.
You do not have Frankenstein. Hope that helps. Speaking of book tours, I mean I am not going to do one, but my new book is now available. It’s called “Use This as a Coaster”… and yes both sides of the book double as a coaster! It is convenient and entertaining!!!
TOTALLY AN IGUANA.
Was it a plant? Did they WANT you to stop? Did you avoid a potential abduction?
You are welcome for these new anxieties:P
Jenny,
I’d hope we do not have Frankenstein, or Our Relatives to Care For (Amid Other Things).
I will totally back you up to anyone and swear that is a (very) dead iguana. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen something off the side of the road and swore it was an animal (I probably should look into glasses) and it turned out to be a stump or something very not alive. So I got you.
You make me laugh so much!!
I still thought it was an iguana in the first picture after you said it wasn’t! You are amazing!❤️
Come to New York!!!!!
Wow that piece of wood is a keeper. It totally looked like an iguana. You could sell it on eBay for $1000 lol 😉
I am legitimately shocked that is not an iguana. You should have taken the stick and put it on a bookshelf because that’s your pet now.
Oh my god, I’m laughing so hard! I really needed this today so thank you so very much!
What would we do without you?????
Okay I see the iguana and that’s totally something I would have done, but what I’m loving most is that text you can barely read under the webmd page that says you didn’t go looking for it but webmd is stalking you!!
Regarding the fold in your ear, I mean, we are all going to die, fold or not.
Regarding the woodguana…good karma for trying to capture the escaped pet.
Regarding the watering neighbor – they won’t forget you now 🙂
Well honestly it does look like a iguana sunning it self on the wall so you where right in a way and so you jump out of the car with good intentions and let’s say if you didn’t do that maybe something bad could have happened but you know what they say Hell is paved with good intentions and if real the iguana could have bitten you and those have sharp teeth!
One time I pulled over because I saw a dog in distress in a field, and jumped out of the car and started wading through the grass to get to the dog, at which point I found out that two turkeys mating looks a lot like a dog in distress from a distance, but not so much up close.
Oh please let there be ring camera video.
Bless your heart, Jenny. I needed to see this today. I dragged my ass out of bed this morning for an appointment with my neurologist, and it was unbelievably cold and I was just sure I was going to run out of gas on the way, but at last I arrived at the office and was told my appointment is Friday. No idea how I got it wrong, but I have felt a perfect fool ever since. At least I don’t have Frankenstein.
I love you so much Jenny. You make me feel so seen and so not alone. Bless you and thank you.
Well, I wondered why I had a crease in one earlobe and not the other. I guess now I know. Yikes!
I saw an iguana in that wood, too!
Please come to Minneapolis! We would really benefit from your personal sunshine
Totally looks like an iguana.
Hope your ear does not foretell a heart condition. Waiting to hear how that turns out. OTOH, that iguana look-alike! I had even enlarged the photo and still thought it really was an iguana! What a fun surprise though!
It totally looked like a lizard to me. You should go back and get it and paint it to reveal its true form.
Tobe fair Frank’s ear sounds like a great start. Get a few more body parts and you’ll be well on your way to your very own Frankenstein.
Hello EveryOne
Well, I’m more normal than I thought I was OR I can be happy that there are people like me who overthink. On Sunday I had a bit of an argument with the hubs. He went for a walk (good!) but he was gone for over 2 hours and didn’t take his phone so I went from being pissed off to scared and imagining all sorts of things had happened to him. (Is he on the trail and met a bear? Did he have a stroke or a heart attack? yadda yadda) Then he walks through the door and I get mad again because he is alright and didn’t take his phone so I couldn’t phone and make sure he wasn’t lying dead on the trail. OMG I create my own stress :-/
I almost shit my pants while out hiking once as I totally saw a bear up a hill from the trail I was on and it turned out to just be a big black hollowed out opening at the bottom of a tree…..
I love you Jenny. You make me laugh when I have no reason to laugh. Thank you
Does it matter when you get the Frankenstein? Because I never had them, and now I have two, but I’ve been putting it down to wrinkling in my auld age.
Thanks, I needed this post. I think I also need to get out and buy your new book.
Last month I was driving to the grocery store and saw a toddler all alone in a field. Little red coat with the hood up, standing still, no doubt terrified, no one else around. I made a u-turn, in a panic, fumbling for my phone in my purse so I can alert ALL the authorities about this poor, abandoned child, practicing how I would soothe the child, my heart was broken for that baby. Then pulled up next to the field to see that it was a fire hydrant.
While on a road trip in Michigan, we had an agreed on plan for if we saw a dead porcupine. We were going to harvest quills. I absolutely demanded that we activate the plan upon passing what really looked like a deceased porcupine. Turns out it was a huge clump of dirt with lots a dried grasses.
It was totally an iguana! And I constantly think fire hydrants are dogs …
I love you so much!
Just saw this company & thought of you instantly!
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And you didn’t pick up Knot Iguana? I can see him in a terrarium, top hat, friends …
So clearly that was an iguana that a wizard or witch turned into wood under a magic spell. You could have taken it home and painted it up to look like it’s living self. Or found a woodworker to carve it so it looked like an iguana close up. Or found a wizard or witch to release it from its spell.
Victor should appreciate your kind and caring soul, waiting to rescue an iguana.
I do love this, it’s exactly the sort of mistake I make all the time, due to my poor vision and vivid imagination.
Earlobe creases aren’t necessarily cardio vascular or metabolic illness related, sometimes it’s just aging skin. Yet another not so fun sign of time having its way with us. Your doctor can run tests to check more accurately than an earlobe crease can for those issues.
Went on a road trip with the bestie. I drove for safety reasons, since I thought she needed glasses and she refused to believe she did. Sitting on the passenger side, with verdant fields and rolling hills stretched out before us, my friend suddenly squealed, “Oh, how cute! Look at all the sheep!” But they were not sheep, they were small trees. Bestie went to the eye doctor when we got home from our trip.
You left a one legged iguana to bake in the sun after the poor thing fell out of a tree due to frost? What where you thinking Jenny?
Agreeing with those who wonder if the woodguana is some sort of “Hansel and Gretel” variety lure. Does your neighbor’s house smell suspiciously delicious, of candy and gingerbread, perhaps?
I am married to a herpetologist and I totally thought the first phot was an iguana-lol!
the back of it looks like a really creepy tiny deer. also in the first picture total iguana.
I have Frankenstein too! And now I’m always going to call it that.
I have an iguana on my ear. I’m so fucked.
funny
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