Here is a list of ridiculous things that happened to me on book tour in no particular order, part 1:
Realized that my nipples were very obvious only minutes before stepping onto the stage and could think of nothing else so I just immediately apologized for my nipples to the large crowd. Then afterwards several people told me they didn’t see any specific nipples and then I felt like I needed to call everyone back to apologize for the lack of nipples. I bet this happened to Shakespeare all the time.
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Victor called as I was getting ready for a reading: What are you doing?
me: Ironing.
Victor: Who is this and what have you done with my wife?
me: FUCK I JUST BURNED A GIANT HOLE IN MY CLOTHES.
Victor: Oh there she is.
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Flying to Oregon. I ask the flight attendant for cranberry juice. She says, “Oh. We don’t have that here?” in a sort of baffled way so say, “Okay, do you have orange juice?” and she says, “Of course we have orange juice” like it’s weird that I would even ask. The girl sitting next to me whispers, “You thought you ordered cranberry juice, didn’t you?” I say, “Did I not?” No. Apparently I asked for cranberry sauce.
As if it was Thanksgiving.
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Signing a book to a woman named Michele who is telling me how much she loved a book I’d signed at Nowhere and had sent to her but I’m used to spelling Michele with two L’s so I accidentally sign it “To Michelle” but then try to fix it by adding “(WITH ONE L) OMG. I’M SO SORRY.” Michele opens up the other book I’d sent her before. It also says, “To Michelle (WITH ONE L) SHIT. SORRY!” I am nothing if not consistent(ly fucking up).
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Waiting at the curb for an uber to take me to an event. The uber keeps saying that it’s there but it’s not there so I end up standing awkwardly next to a teenage boy who is flipping one of those signs advertising a pizza shop for 30 minutes. He asks if I want to do something with him. I tell him I’m married. He says, “Oh, congrats. I gotta piss.” I wonder which of us has had a stroke. He clarifies that he needs someone to hold his sign while he pees in case his boss drives by. He teaches me the basics of flipping a pizza sign and I hit myself in the head twice and almost lose the sign to a gust of wind. When the uber arrives I make him wait while I continue to spin (and drop) the sign until the kid returns and tags me out. The uber driver takes me to the address but I’m looking out the wrong window and I say, “Is this it?” and the driver says “Uh…that’s you, right?” and points to a giant electric sign with my name and face on it and I sort of love the idea that he thinks I might be slightly famous but still pick up odd jobs flipping pizza signs on the sidewalk.
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I have lots more but this is getting long and I have to take the dog out. More later…
Oh, wait..one more thing! This is the 4th week in a row that HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY is on the Indie Bookshop bestseller list, and I know the NYT one is fancier but I’ll take the Indie Bookshop list over it any day. That means that booksellers are hand-selling it, and book lovers are supporting their local bookshops and I don’t even have the words for how much I appreciate that.
Ok, I went to your book people signing in Austin. My daughter came with me last minute. We stood up while you were sitting. Don’t feel bad because of no bra. I was standing there smiling like tits magee. Not sure if I want to post it.( I will send it to you if you want to see it.) You are not alone.
I fucking love you so much. Thank you for being so unabashedly you.
This is why I love you.
Thank you for this!
Also, coming to see you tomorrow in San Antonio.
Amazing. Love. I wish I could be as creative as Leslie Knope when she compliments Ann Perkins you beautiful starfish.
Your kindness is so very cool. Can you make everyone else ‘do like you do’? I am sad when I hear stories about simple, human, kind gestures and these stories are few and far between. Kindness-or spinning someone’s sign so they can pee-will make you feel great about yourself. It only takes a second or two to be kind. Being mean takes too much time. Kiss someone right now! Or kiss yourself if you did a kind gesture today!
LOVE it all!! I would definitely be a pizza sign-waver as a favor to a stranger lol. Oh, you are somebody famous btw.
OMG those things could only happen to you…the cranberry sauce made me laugh so hard I almost peed! Keep doing you! Love you!!
I’m surprised the flight attendant didn’t figure out you meant cranberry juice not sauce. Don’t worry – I’m sure you had lots of jet lag and travel fatigue. You did great!
Just love this!
I don’t find nipples distracting. When I was in college, one of my housemates would always comment if he could see the nipples on a woman walking past the front porch when we were sitting out there drinking beer.
Thanks for laughs as always. Still didn’t see your nipples at the HB reading. Lol
Your lists can never be too long.
One’s nipples always stand at attention at all the wrong times in public places, but those padded foam bras meant to hide them are too hot and sweaty to wear, and I always wind up with sweat marks under my breasts when I do, so I’ve given up on caring if my nipples are saying hello. Once I was firmly into menopause, I had far less damns to give.
You are perfectly you, and your adventures during your book tour makes us fans love you even more, because we can relate with how perfectly imperfect we all are.
Those are great stories! I’m sorry about your ironing mishap, though. Yesterday, I was flagging my very own hardcover with the passages I bookmarked in the audio I borrowed so I could return the loan. [I’m going to have to buy my own audiobook, too, because sometimes I need to hear your voice straight from you instead of just in my head.] When I got to the end, I was reminded that my certificate of completion is signed by both you and Hunter. That’s an extra little gift to all of us, isn’t it? Thank you! 💙
omg. I thought that sign said “ass”
LOL…. I love the “autocorrect” brain thing…..cranberry sauce. I have f’ed up in similar ways.
PS always take a press cloth when you go on the road in case you have to iron. Especially if is it a delicate fabric like that. Did you wear it anyway? (PSS it was Victor’s frickin’ fault for calling at bad time.)
Just another day! More fodder for your next book😹
I needed this today! Thank you, Ms. Lawson. Thank you for your humanity! ❤️😂
And this is why we love you, Jenny! We’d expect nothing different.
I bought the book and finished it, Jenny! It was amazing. Like, seriously. Such good advice. It helped me get out of bed one morning.
Lucky, Michele, with one L. Thank you, Jenny, for sharing! I needed to smile.
I JUST LOVE THIS FOR YOU! You’re my fave writer ever. Enjoy!
You are the only writer to consistently make me snort while reading a blog post. You scatter joy in your wake like fairy dust.
You are the absolute best. I’m so many ways.
Love all of this! Thank you for making me laugh out loud! 😊💜
I called my tiny local indie bookstore to make sure they had it in stock so I could buy it on Independent Bookstore Day!
I think we were separated at birth. I am a klutz.I trip up stairs (no not down like normal folks), i smash my head on things like cabinets, and I too would smack myself in the head with that pizza sign and probably drop it on my foot to boot( pun intended.)My ironing prowess is to iron wrinkles into things. I have yet to have a nipple situation, but it’s only a matter of time. Enjoy the PNW.
I’m so impressed you can do all this. My book contracts always stipulate that I will NOT be leaving my house nor traveling nor meeting anyone. I refused a NYT piece once because they’d bring a photographer with them. I’d have so many panic attacks just thinking about what to wear that I’d have to cancel. So, bravo! I see you! 🤗
There you are! Delightful, hilarious, gutbusting funny.
It was the highlight of my month to meet you outside the Pennsylvania venue and get to chat for a bit!!! Still can’t believe the first words out of my mouth were “ooh, is the door open? I have to pee so bad!” 🙃
But now we’re Pocket Rock Buddies For Life! 💜
Ohemgee! You are me or I am you and I would do all of those things!!! Except that you are killing it! ❤️❤️❤️
I’m having such a crap week and your story about the Uber driver maybe thinking your a famous author who occasionally picks up a sign flipping job just made me giggle.
I just love you so much! I want to be your groupie and follow you everywhere.
Well, I accidentally pre-ordered your book twice. Once from Nowhere and once from Bookshop. I didn’t realize until they both showed up. For once a positive fuck up!
Oh Jenny, you do make me laugh. Only in New Hampshire would a strange kid decide to exit to go pee while entrusting you with his weird job. You’re the best. So excited you’re still high up on the bestseller list. May it continue for months and months! Hugs from Camille….in NH.
The fact that you standing in for the sign flipping dude doesn’t even seem weird, and, in fact, I’m slightly jealous you got to do it, proves how much I love you.
Your posts are an essential part of my day. Your energy reminds me that living every day as your authentically left of normal self is what makes it good. If I ever get the chance, I am 100% flipping a sign so a kid can take a bathroom break.
Congrats on the the bestseller list!
Cranberry sauce!! I’d do that! Love you Jenny! ❤️
One of your best columns ever.
I love you so much. 😂😂🥰🥰💜💜
My dad was an engineer that lived his entire life wondering why his name, Lloyd, started with 2 “L”s. Imagine the triumph he felt as he wrote, no engineered, my name so it only had one on my birth certificate. I thanked him for letting me keep the useless silent “e” at the end.
With love from another one L Michele.
Girl, I love you. This is all hilarious and yet completely believable!
My pre-order never came, but I went out to my local indie bookshop and picked up their LAST COPY at the Read Queen in Lafayette, CO! They’re an adorable little store. I’ve had it about 12 hours and I’m almost through it. It makes me what to go back to read more of _Let’s Pretend This Never Happened_.😍
You are how I make it through the day. Plus, I grieve with you for the loss of Ferris and Hunter. Thank you for being there for all of us!
You after you have a good rest maybe a month you should write a book about your many adventures during your many books tours and it should be a requirement for people who are scared to travel scared of public speaking scared of everything and do not believe in them self and because of it do not have a life this book would give them courage you could call it travel with a zany woman I swear it would sell like girls scout thin mints who are even loved by king Charles and his queen Camilla
Frankly, the flight attendant should’ve been able to get from cranberry sauce to cranberry juice. They’re only two letters apart!
I have the same problem as Michele, in reverse. Everyone wants to spell Dianne as Diane, but I like my extra N!
Oh Jenny, you & Victor make such a top-flight Vaudeville act! A delightful treat each time you appear together.
I bought a copy for myself from your bookstore. I love the swag that came with it and that you signed it. 💖 Then I ordered another copy for myself best friend who has the worst luck/karma of anyone I’ve been known, while mine is pretty awesome. I figured the least I could do was order a copy for her to survive herself from herself. Thanks for writing, Jenny. Your books inspire me and make my life complete. 💖💐
“he thinks I might be slightly famous but still pick up odd jobs flipping pizza signs on the sidewalk”
I laughed so hard I might have wet myself.
We love you❤️
My daughter and I went to your first stop in PA. it was fabulous and this makes me like it even better
I love you Jenny! You make me laugh in the midst of a panic attack! 🤯😆😳🤪
Wait wait why are there no pictures of you twirling the pizza sign?
Happy Mother’s Day Jenny! I’ll have a big cranberry sauce toast for you. Love you crazy!