So this morning I had to get up early for a doctors appointment but instead of my alarm I woke up to an incredibly loud IMMINENT THREAT flood warning and so it gave me an excuse to just go back to bed because I couldn’t drive, but then I woke up again to another screaming warning and this time it was saying that a funnel cloud was forming over my neighborhood and to get into an interior room immediately, which was unexpected because I’ve lived through several tornados in West Texas but I’ve never seen one in San Antonio in the 12 years I’ve lived here.
The pressure dropped and we threw Purrsy and Dorothy Barker into an interior closet and I went to find Rolly, who I assumed would be hiding because cats don’t make it to 20 years old without good instincts but was instead sitting with her nose up to the full-length glass window, staring at the storm like, “I’M READY, JESUS. COME GET ME!” and I picked her up and she hissed at me like, “THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU, LADY.” I might need to get her on some antidepressants.
And then we all curled up in the closet, which seemed like a good place until I remembered that closet light turns off automatically when you shut the door, which is very good for forgetful people like me who forget to turn off lights but not so good when you’re in a pitch-black closet with three furious animals who keep bumping into each other, one of whom is a storm-terrified papillon, one of whom is a kitten who is literally climbing up the coats and then gleefully dive-bombing us as if he was in a kitten-based trampoline park, and one of whom is a grumpy old lady who is only alive because of spite and just wanted to watch a tornado in peace (relatable).
I sat in a corner and kept getting texts from friends going, “BITCH IS THIS YOUR HOUSE ON MY TORNADO WARNINGS? DID YOU DIE?” and I wanted to text Hailey not to worry because they’re at their apartment but also I didn’t want to wake them up just to make them worry so instead I posted a picture on social media of us hiding in the closet even though I was still puffy-faced and sleep-creased and actively bleeding (thanks, purrsy) so that if the signals went down they would know we were in a safe place. And then I thought, “Fuck. If there is a tornado people are going to find me dead and my house is a fucking wreck because I’ve been too tired to clean” and then I thought, “But maybe people will assume the tornado did all the mess?” and then I thought, “Oh, did the tornado leave 6 baskets of dirty laundry in your closet, Jenny? Did the tornado just keep buying more laundry baskets rather than doing laundry?” and then I thought, “OMG, calm down and stop yelling at me. No one gives a shit about how dirty your house is. What is wrong with you? Do you honestly want your last thoughts to be about laundry, you absolute doorknob?”
But then my phone lit up with a response on my post about hiding in the closet and it was two cartoon penises being thrust up into the air over and over and I was like, “I don’t know what’s happening but honestly, unexpected double penis thrust emojis is way more on brand for my last thoughts, so I guess I’ll take it?”
But then I scrolled down turns out it was someone sending prayer hands floating up to Jesus and then I thought that probably this would be a very funny icebreaker to tell Jesus if I did die because frankly, this is whole thing is fucking ridiculous.
And then I laughed out loud. Which was weird because I’ve been in a rough depression for a few weeks now, and it was sort of nice, reminding myself that even when there is unaccountable sadness in what should be happy places, there is also unaccountable giggly laughter in dark, scary ones as well.
And then we got the all-clear to come out. The tornado had shifted and touched down a few minutes down the road at the Rim (at the very place I had my doctors appointment scheduled that I’d decided to ignore just before) ripping off roofs and damaging businesses but so far it looks like no one was hurt, thank goodness. And Dorothy Barker shakily cuddled up in bed to ignore the still-raging storm, Rolly huffily went back on Jesus-watch at her picture window, and Purrsy fell asleep on my lap before I could even lay down myself, absolutely oblivious to any danger and blissfully worn out from the thrilling playdate he’d completely loved:
Anyway, stay safe, friends.
PS. We just got another screaming “SHELTER IN PLACE – CRITICAL! IMMINENT THREAT!” (when did “imminent threat” become a thing, weather warning system? That’s so scary.) but it’s for flooding and we seem fine at the moment (although the dry creek in front of our house looks like a small rolling rapid) so I’m not too worried (knock all the wood) but this is a photo of Purrsy when it went off right next to him and I have never related more:
So glad you’re all okay!
It feels so odd to be this early, but as I hang out in Canadian smoke even though I’m no where near Canada, maybe it’s right.
I see it and now I can’t understand it. 🤣
Hoping that the second weather event goes smoothly too. (meaning no one hurt and your house untouched)
Sending hugs to you, Victor, Rollie, Dotty, and Purrsy.
So happy to hear you are OK!
♥️
Glad you’re all ok! A huge thank you for the thrusting penises and the gut laugh it prompted from both me and my husband. Great photos of Purrsy!
Ugh…meanwhile there are hundreds of fires burning all over Northern Ontario…and our country is now rolling back on Climate Change work. So angering. Hope you are all safe. 🌱💚
That emoji is definitely penile looking!
I have a scar on my left hand from my cat Jack when I was trying to toss him into my closet during a tornado many years ago. *~*memories*~*
Glad y’all are safe.
I will never look at prayer hands the same!
So glad you’re okay!!!
It’s is double penii for sure. They are thrusting out of individual blue boxers.
You being in the closet reminds me of your audiobook version of Broken 🫶 (those *are* curved penis heart hands, in case reading this while bleary eyed again)
Glad you’re all safe!!!
I survived a tornado in Ohio. I was in the second floor bedroom when it ripped the roof off. I just put a pillow over my head and hoped for the best. I didn’t even get a scratch, and neither did our two cats. My husband, who had been at work, came through hell and high water to get to us. A TV reporter wanted to interview me, but I had roof and dirt in my hair, and so I declined.
Glad you are okay so far. Do keep us posted.
So many laughs!! I glad y’all are safe.(and yes that image still looks questionable.)
You poor things.. maybe add a butt cushion for the floor and a trapeze net for the baby acrobats 😘
I was in Canada last week and while we were sitting in an almost empty, tiny brewpub, everyone’s phone went off like a nuclear attack was coming. It was an emergency alert about a dangerous man with a knife. Two counties away. That’s a Tuesday in the US, we don’t even get national or state emergency alerts for guys with guns. Luckily, no one seemed to think we needed to go find shelter…
I thought I was the only one who kept buying laundry baskets instead of doing laundry! 😎
So glad you and the furries are safe!
So glad you’re all okay! ❤️ I’ll never look at the 🙏 emoji the same way again. Ironically, I’ll probably use it more now.
P.S. I spent years thinking it was a high-five… and now my brain has upgraded that image to two penises high-fiving. 😂 Welp… I should probably stop procrastinating and get back to working on my capstone project. Thanks for the update—and for the much-needed distraction!
You hid in the closet and then got an emoji that looked like two penises, and somehow NONE of this was somebody making a gay joke. My very gay friend group could never.
JFC! I hadn’t realized there was an actual touchdown. We’re close-ish to the airport & got our warning last night & that was horrifically scary.
Glad you’re safe and in totally relate to Purrsey if I could put my ears back i definitely would have as well.
It’s not just you. Those are definitely double penises thrusting up to the sky. Glad they made you giggle.
Thank you! I needed that giggle. Also needed a reminder that I do not need a kitten. Because my last one was also unable to read the room and had inappropriate zoomies and general chaos monstering at all the worst possible moments. He’s a middle aged fat cat now and is much more my speed.
Oh Jenny, I hope you and your family continue to remain safe. Take care.
Hope you all stay safe!!! I’m with you on the prayer hands and will never look at them the same way again.
It’s definitely not just you. My initial thought was weird double penis. Followed almost immediate by, “I’m sure that’s supposed to be clapping or prayer, but ohemgee what a poorly executed emoji.” I feel Purrsey’s pain and yours at those weather alerts, especially when you’re asleep. Central Kentucky has been alternating heat and flood warnings for the last month. They always seem to start at 4am and run until 10pm or midnight. Then the it’s 4am again and looking like it will be really hot again / is raining for Noah again. I’m blame DOGE for firing the NOAA staff so now AI bots send the alerts.
I’m so glad you’re all okay, and prayers hands absolutely were double penises to remind you to laugh at the fates….
As I sit in my home with the shades all closed for days at a time because it’s ridiculously hot for the 3rd major heatwave since March in New England, and the sky is all orange from Canadian wildfire smoke, and there’s insane flooding in the west, and apparently nobody is working anymore at the CDC, FDA, or anywhere else in our government to keep us safe from having explosive diarrhea from as of yet undiscovered type of produce with parasites on it, what can we do except laugh at the fates, and hope to survive the apocalypse.
I’m with you and your furry family members, either stare it down through the window, live it up climbing the walls and jumping on your friends, or hide in the bed quivering, or laugh at prayer hands penises.
Hang in there, folks!
So glad you’re all okay!
And don’t feel bad. I was in a catty group text with co-workers years ago and that particular emoji was the one my friends and I used as shorthand for someone who accidentally wore too short a skirt to do a children’s storytime and ended up flashing her lady parts to the audience. It literally took me years to realize it was actually praying hands. I finally had to ask someone what it meant, because I was VERY confused seeing it in replies to tragedies.
I’ve been worried about you all day. So glad to hear you laughed out loud, your family and house are safe and still standing, and that your guardian angel was able to wake you enough to cancel that doctor’s appointment and play pillow fort in the closet with your furbabies. Our town was on fire this afternoon, but it’s contained and nearly all out now, save the mop-up efforts. Some close calls, and the 47 car washes that have recently opened will have some business tomorrow what with the ash raining down in our neighborhoods. Life. Hang in there, friend. You are loved.
Tornado advice for all – when you go into the basement or closet or other safe space, grab your meds, wallet, shoes (I also make sure I’m wearing a bra!). Cause the whole reason you’re sheltering is cause of the potential for your house blowing down, and then if you emerge from your hiding place without meds and a credit card and some decent shoes you’ll be SOL
Glad you’re all okay. I grew up with lots of tornadoes in Nebraska, including a monster in 1975. Fortunately we had “The Mickey Mouse Club” and Club crackers to keep us company in the basement.
I’m so happy to hear you are okay. Please stay okay!!! ❤️
You made my day with this whole post!
My Friend,
How great it is that even while in the throes of depression, your undying humor shines through. Not that an imminent threat itself is funny. The closet scene is hilarious, as is Rolly looking for Jesus.
But seriously, I hope you’re okay. The flood waters on tonight’s news looked serious.
What truly made me happy is that you giggled out loud. You’re on your way back girl!
The photo of Purrsy is to die for – those eyes!!
Hope SA didn’t sustain too much damage. Keep us posted.
Lotsa love,
Linda S. ♥️
Forgot to say – it’s definitely double penises! 😜
Linda S.
That last photo of Purrsy is laugh out loud funny! Thanks so much.♥️
Half-way through and agreeing that the image is extremely penile and wondering WTF could it possibly be otherwise?!? (Spoiler–I read a little bit further. I still prefer the penile interpretation.)
Actually, I thought it was an emoji for one of those “my knees or are they hotdogs?” photos that were all the rage to post when one was on vacation. I’m not on vacation so no knees nor hotdogs here.
Oh that last photo of Purrsy! Having been through a tornado, it isn’t fun. I couldn’t find my Samwise for 45 minutes. Every piece of black (he was a black cat 🐈⬛️) I thought was him. Fourty five minutes later, my husband found him hiding between two soft storage bags under a bed with a frame weighted for 2500 lbs. Smart cat. Unfortunately, he passed a year later 🐾💕 But that tornado almost unalived me. Scary as fuck. Don’t recommend.
We have a new house on the same property. I wish we’d just sold the property and bought a new house.
*I* am grateful I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, two new kitties who are chuckleheads, and my family.
Buying more laundry baskets is genius! Also, prayer hand have always looked suspicious to me. You are not the only one. Stay safe!
it’s not just you. I don’t know what your relationship with Jesus is, but I think breaking the ice with “gosh J, you remind me of a two thrusting penis emoji” would land him rotflol. But I have an interesting relationship with many phenomena.
Hang in ther Jenny, and thank god for your husband and his gift. That cat is saving your life with his orangeness.
That cat look. Yep
And the alarms. Sitting in a small local theatre waiting for a performance to start. Every damn phone screams. We all look. Warning about a car with a custody case stolen baby. 50 miles away. We all look at each other. The announcer looks at us and says “what?” Front row shrugs and we start.
Sigh. America
I need a “Come get me Jesus” t shirt!! Oh, and so glad everyone is OK!
Does your current house have the hidden mystery closet?! Maybe that’s where you should go hide 🫣 Glad you are safe and sound
That sounds absolutely terrifying! I’m so glad you and your pets are safe. I’m also a huge ‘forgetful person’ when things get chaotic, so I rely on Taskai on my Android to capture random thoughts and reminders immediately so I can clear my head during stressful times.
Glad you and feline posee survived!! Only Jenny Lawson can make a tornado warning funny. My only question : Where the hell was Victor?
I’m so happy you all are ok. I was worried about you all down there. Stay safe and remember we all love you hon. I hope you are feeling better.
Well here in New york we have unsafe air outside because of 800 forest fire in Ontario and Minnesota and Tuesday and yesterday heat dome so I don’t know about you but do you think mother nature is upset with us humans i mean in the olden days speaking about weather was the safest way to talk to people you just met now well it could take hours describing what going on in your state am I right i am telling you people if I see a river of blood in my neighborhood of Brooklyn NY and frogs falling from the sky well I definitely stay in my bed and pray 🙏 for Jesus stay safe by way on a nicer note your aquarium in Sans Antonio are getting Belugua whales 🐋 saved from a closing down Marine amusement park in Niguara Falls Ontario so .
Way to make a scary moment hilarious. Your talents are endless and I’m so glad you’re all ok.
” … even when there is unaccountable sadness in what should be happy places, there is also unaccountable giggly laughter in dark, scary ones as well.” Thank you for this, for everything.
Those hands are showing me just how whisker-close you’d’ve come to disaster had you gone to your appointment, Jenny. There’s a message in there. I’m guessing it’s “When in doubt, stay in bed.”
PS–or in the closet.
We’ve had more warnings this year than ever before and a ton more storms and now we are in an extremely unhealthy air quality do not go outside warning because of wildfires so Mother Nature is pissed.
So glad you’re all safe and didn’t suffer any damage to your home. I will now send “double penis” wishes to everyone! 😉🙏 I hope you’re feeling all the love being sent your way, Jenny! 💕
I’m so glad you all made it through the storm. Have you seen the news about one of Norway’s soccer players, Erling Haaland, taking a taxidermy raccoon home with him from Dallas? They got knocked out of the world cup, but the raccoon makes him happy! Take care.
Thankful all of you are OK.
Damn. You. Are. Soooooo fucking funny. I laughed until my side hurt
1. so glad y’all are ok. 2. As per usual your humor resonated so much it helped me reconnect with friends and send them a laugh. 3. You should know the result of this post was sharing… that apparently there is a site called bagofdicks.com and i will never look at prayer hands the same – I had thought high fives- but now … slapping,,,,, 🙂 thank you for brightening our days with laughter. (ohhhh pps – after this post my instagram sent me a nature video of dueling marine flat worms – it was perfect!)
Never a dull moment, is there? At least you got a very entertaining blog post out of it.
I have never seen a news disaster report that was like “The tornado destroyed six houses, one of which had obviously gone way too long without doing the laundry”, so I don’t think you need to worry about that being a focus of attention.
And those praying hands look very suspect. Whoever designed that knew exactly what he was doing.
Omg the image of Purrsy bouncing off the walls in the closet and then the double penises immediately following that had me laughing so hard. I’m glad you’re okay!!
You have just changed that emoji for me FOREVER and I am eternally grateful. I love that you appreciated how surprisingly “on brand” it was. And now I also need a Purrsy airplane ears emoji to pop up on my phone INSTEAD of air quality alerts. It would be so much cuter and also more accurate.
So glad you and the fuzzy ones made it through the tornado.
Your area has been dealing with a lot of flooding. How are you and yours doing with that madness? (I come from a long line of worriers.)
great
I was laughing the whole way through this because somehow you manage to find humour even in genuinely frightening situations. The image of everyone crammed into a dark closet while each pet reacted completely differently to the storm was both hilarious and oddly heartwarming. I’m so glad everyone was safe in the end, and I hope things have finally calmed down after such a chaotic morning
I laughed at the part about worrying people would judge the state of your house if a tornado hit. It’s such an absurd train of thought, but somehow exactly the kind of thing a stressed brain comes up with. Even in the middle of something scary, you still managed to find humour in the chaos, and I think that’s one of the reasons your posts resonate with so many people.
Hilarious post! Loved it but a bit concerned why you are the only one in charge of keep the house and clothes clean. If your husband can’t help, hire someone! You don’t need to have carry guilt over your illness.
Glad you had your pets to cuddle with.
My friend panicked during a hurricane and wanted to save his books which he ended up putting in the dishwasher.
I get the giggles during such events so I think you handled it well.