So if you are a very close follower of mine you probably noticed that I disappeared here for over a week, which I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I’d like to say it’s because I was off on an exciting vacation but truthfully I’ve just been dealing with a depression that has been a lot harder to shake than my normal ones. It happens. Usually only once every year or two. But every time it feels like I’ve been in this fog forever. It feels very lonely even though I know how unalone I am in this struggle.
I’m doing all of the things I’m supposed to do and I will be fine but still, it’s hard…this terrible brain fog that makes me think I’ve lost my mind and the exhaustion that keeps me from being me.
I recently had some bloodwork that showed that I had almost no serotonin, which was not much of a surprise to me. My intestinal metaplasia makes absorbing things hard and it can affect serotonin, but my doctors thought this was extreme so they did a genetic test on me and found that I have the MTHFR gene variation (which I have nicknamed “THE MOTHERFUCKER MUTATION” because it sounds badass). Turns out, that genetic problem makes a lot of medications not work properly on you and the list of those meds include all of my antidepressants. It’s not an entirely uncommon mutation so if you also have treatment resistant depression you want to get checked. Is there a cure? OF COURSE NOT. DON’T BE RIDICULOUS. But there are studies that show some certain supplements can help so I’m trying those now.
And perhaps it’s just a coincidence, but today I have more energy. My brain fog is still so bad I had to stop 5 times to look up words I already know here, but I cleaned my room and took Purrsy to the vet and took a shower and updated my weekly substack and answered some emails and now I’m writing here. And that sounds like such a small thing, but it’s really not. It’s so big.
And speaking of Purrsy, he is breathing life into me with his ridiculousness. This morning he got fixed and now he is back home recuperating. The vet texted me this picture and they were like, “Your cat is drunk. Come get him. Don’t let him drive.”
And the picture they sent cracked me up so much I thought that I should share it here but then I thought that I should share several and let you guess which one is totally-high Purrsy because this dude is insane all the time:
Tag yourself. I’m currently middle-right side-eye Purrsy as I watch this cat (that I was told would probably sleep all day) go absolutely nuts romping around my room, knocking over bowls and falling over like the tiny drunk that he is.
I so love him.
Could you share the names of some of these supplements, please?
I am lower left Purrsy – vaguely bemused. 🤣
I am bottom center Purrsy: waving around frantically but not sure why
I am middle middle Purrsy – completely unsure about everything! But interested!
I am joyful that you are so joy-filled with nutsy Pursy . . . ‘Cause we all know, like so many of us who are so “be-sotted” in love with the crazy cat persons that God has entrusted to us . . . Therein be mutual delights and total well-being . . .
Which we know you deserve, dear Jenny . . 💕 🐈. 💕
I’m lower right side. Have been trying to figure out what I should be doing all day, so ended up doing nothing but staring into space.
Bottom row, center, is my life on the daily with CRPS and the slew of mental joy that comes with it.
I have MTHFR!!!! I’ve never met anyone else who has it. It caused me so much pain on my infertility journey. Feel free to reach out to me to vent. I’ve got your back
Purrsy’s meds don’t work either. He’s a redhead & they need extra meds! You are doing it. Left me in the dust at cleaned my room.
I am upper-middle Purrsy. I am my normal, sarcastic weird self.
Fur babies make everything better. 🙂
♥️
Middle left is my guess, and I am currently feeling bottom right.
I wish that I could attach pictures. Then I would show you our Chick when she was spayed, sitting in her onesie, looking all stoned.
Depression sucks.
Purrsey is far left, middle row. I’d like to have a cocktail and share his mood. Fortunately I still have my balls (all brassy and shined). May the supplement force be with you!
I love your vet. Was Purrsy drunk dialing an old girlfriend? I hope your brain fog lifts. BTDT not fun. Big hugd
I have that gene mutation, too! Thank you for likely explaining why I have medicine resistant depression. 😒😮💨🙄 Can you please list those supplements you are taking? I’d greatly appreciate it! Hugs!
I also have Intestinal Metaplasia, MF version. Drs. kept prescribing meds for my anxiety/depression that didn’t work, so I said NOPE and quit them. Honestly, Purrsy is a major serotonin/dopamine burst so thank you for sharing him with us.
I love the lower right photo. “Contemplates the fleeting nature of balls.”
You are killing it today, friend. Your to-DONE list may seem like nothing to you, but it is a LOT! So proud of you!
Guessing the vet pic is center left, with the towel. My mood is currently center Purrsy with bulging eyes wondering WTAF about basically *gestures at everything* Glad you’re feeling better ❤️ Keep on keeping on ✨
I’m center Purrsey, waiting for the next train to hit me. I suspect the vet sent the towel picture on the left, but all of the pics are cracking me up.
Glad the furry clown is pulling you to safety. Keep going, Purrs!
Yes, we all call it the MF*KR gene! Try to get as many supplements in liquid form or transdermal as possible. BEAM minerals has really made a difference for me the past 6 months. Other than that, no suggestions except treat yourself well. Luv you (and Purrsy).
I am lower right: slumped and trying to stay awake.
Currently middle left. Life is bonkers. Hoping Purrsy does not miss his male parts and becomes a total snuggler.
Crazy love you (as you say) and wish you all the sunshiny days you can stand.
I’d say the middle picture. He has that WTF just happened to me?!! And why are my balls gone?!!!!
Are taking L-methyl folate? It can help with absorption. Also vitamin D. Estrogen helps too, along with progesterone. I get my meth montly.
I so love you. Sorry it’s been bad lately, but glad to hear there’s an explanation. I appreciate your sharing this with us. It gives me hope. I an current the bottom right Purrsy. Can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. Your burst of creative activity is impressive. If I can pry myself out of this lounger, I’ll get on with…. something. Part of the problem. So much to do that I don’t know where to start!
Is middle-left totally high Purrsy? It’s hilarious, but so is bottom-right. 😝
I hope your depression lifts soon (although your recent bout of doing stuff sounds promising) and lets in all the light you deserve. ❤️
I think high Purrsy is bottom center. I personally am center left today, just kind of blah and sticking my tongue out at the world. It’s not even August yet but all the teachers online are either posting lovely pictures of their already finished classrooms or griping about the coming useless professional development. I’m not ready to go back. I like summer.
Oh that is one cute little orange tabby cat! He was sent to you by someone that loves you..♥️…depression seems to have taken up residence in my house to. Plodding through the days and knowing that at some point things will get better. Sending you peace and love.
We.live him, too! I hope you feel better.
I also have the MOTHERFUCKER mutation, and isn’t that the most appropriate thing ever? Currently trying to figure out which way to run next, even though it doesn’t really matter because, like Purrsy in the middle, I will probably bounce off several things and change directions repeatedly until I fall over.
Middle-right is my guess for vet-Purrsy. Hang in there. I’m trying too. ♥️
Someone with depression should first have a physical with emphasis on Thyroid and homocysteine. You cant treat if the body, says it wont cooperate. My hypothyroidism was found over 20 years ago and correction with meds helped a lot. But the genetics happened 8 years ago and I am amazed you’re only just hearing about it now. Somebody slipped up on your care. It is vital to your improvement but there are still physicians who still think its a hoax. And I don’t know how they can do that when it involves genetics. Those are facts. Your motherfucking gene mutation has deprived you of 33% of your bodys systems processing for your whole life. It just could not process FOLATE thru the blood. You have to find a product of PURE Folate, no additives and take it the rest of your life. And you wont be a mutant anymore. 😢not so much fun at Halloween.
I kid you not. There are many sites on facebook to talk with fellow sufferers but beware, there are too many ‘experts’. I followed he guidance of a very professional rhuematologist, nothing any fancier and consider carefully any changes.We will soon be considering the benefit’s of adding B12. At 83 years, I also have a lifetime of illnesses predominately autoimmune. I had taken various antidepressants for years, settling with Cymbalta for depression and body pain from Lupus, fibro, arthritis, hypermobility, and spinal stenosis but I really feel less the symptoms of depression than anything else.
Welcome to the club. I love calling it that around my big whig doctors at Hopkins. Gets a smile out of the most pompous of them.
Any time I read your posts and feel sad about what you are going through…I end up laughing out loud! (I’m putting your new mutation on a tee shirt.) And the universe sent Purrsy onto your path for the joy! Thank you for being on my path.
Lower right Purrsy. Contemplating my navel. Of course, he’s contemplating that body part that doesn’t exist anymore!
I have the Mother fucker gene mutation too! Deplin has been a huge help for me.
💜 sending tons of love
OMG – YOU ARE AMAZING! #1 You just taught us about some genetic testing that could really make a difference! #2 Even though you don’t feel well you still cleaned your room and took Purrsy to the vet and took a shower and updated your weekly substack and answered some emails and now writing!?! I don’t get that much done on a Good day!
I completely understand. I am going off Zoloft this month to switch to Cymbalta and I have had quite a few mental health days. Just days that I can hardly function. Good for you for the shower, I am contemplating that but I did make dinner and am doing some laundry.
Oh and, just for fun, I have rectal prolapse so the doctor stuck his finger up my butt to check something.
Life is so fun!! Purrsy is adorable and I am glad he is bringing you life again.
Just two weeks ago I was in a horrible depression, my worst in years. On top of that, my anxiety was raging. Because of you, I decided to give ketamine infusions a try. It’s literally like someone turned on the lights. I don’t remember the last time felt this good. Thank you so much for sharing about your experiences, good and bad. Both have helped me so much. Love you 💜
The MOTHERFUCKER gene mutation is exactly how I read it too! Sounds very interesting though. I’ve suspected for years that my meds were not being digested. 🤔 I hope you find the new supplements to be helpful and if you do, I hope you share them with us. But I know you will!
I super love you! 😘
I love every Purrsy photo! Sending love and strength that your tough days will end soon! ❤️
I also have the MotherFucker mutation but I refer to it as the Moth Fur mutation in polite company.
Having to use your own brain as a guinea pig for medication sucks. I had a multi-year medication just stop working on me about a decade ago which landed me in the hospital on account of I haven’t slept in a week. I have since then had genetic testing about what medications are more likely to be effective and turns out that that motherfucker was in the yellow zone. It also saved me from accidentally getting a med on the red list last year when I had an episode of SI. So I still have to play medication roulette every once in awhile, but it’s from a much smaller list.
I wonder how many cases of treatment resistant depression are really just cases of “most of the usual meds my body tells to fuck off before they can do me any good?”
I’m so glad you have your drunk orange catten
I’m sure drunk Purrsy is the middle left photo. I’m currently center Purrsy, at least until tomorrow, because anxiety about getting a crucial doctor’s signature for DOT licensing is the one thing that could doom my new job. Until the DOT stuff is squared away, I’m a bit… tense. And stressed.
Depression has taken a toll on me this month as well. We had to put our 20 year old cat, Ferris Megatron, to sleep. I like to think she and Ferris Mewler are tearing it up together.
I have the MTHFR mutation (from both my parents, so it’s extra) and I have the FUT2 gene mutation (I’ve nic-named the Fuck You Too mutation… why must our mutations be so salty!?) which also really messes with absorption of basically everything that gives you energy. B, D, Omegas. I have to inject B12 weekly since my body won’t pick it up from nutrients. Other drugs take a long time to clear my system (NyQuil makes me a zombie for days).
You can download your 23 and me raw data into a text file and plug it into other programs and it will generate a list of all your mutations.
My naturopath did this for me and we just looked at the most impactful ones and started addressing one at a time. It’s been super helpful both in finding some relief and just having a real answer to what’s wrong instead of a shrug and a bottle of Motrin.
I hope you start to feel better! The MTHF5 folate really made a difference for me. Make sure you’re taking B2 (riboflavin) as well to avoid methyl-trapping.
Oh boy oh boy you must to take at least maybe 10 meds I am lucky I have to take only 7 anyway you know you might want to get Percy a friend to play with but probably when you feel better but its seams to me if one little cat helps you to get out of your fog think what 2 would do but this time get a female they are far more quiet and might calm him down just a idea take care of yourself your loving tribe needs you to make them laugh and deal with the crazy world we live in .
Your intestinal metaplasia? How is that even tested?
And how are serotonin levels tested?
I also have the MTHFR genetic mutation! And yes, we all call it that. 😉
I recommend getting the GeneSight Psychotropic test which tells you what meds will work well and what ones will not work with your genes. It has to be ordered by a medical professional. It’s been very helpful as I’ve had to try new drugs as efficacy wanes on ones I’m taking.
Sending hugs to you for your Mthfr. Sending Purrsy hugs for a quick recovery. ( even though he’s drunk in running )
I’m currently a combination of top middle and bottom right.
That IS a motherferker because over 90% of serotonin is made in the gut. Which is why brains don’t matter, or a way to man’s heart is through his stomach or don’t have an Exorcist baby. One of those. But it’s also been discovered recently that the SSRI’s act like a low level antibiotic on gut microbiome at all times so if you have that going on with steroids that’s no joke – a lot.
And people should talk to their doctors and get the labs before starting serotonin enhancement because ironically there’s something called serotonin syndrome from having too much happy hormone that it makes you act like your drink or have the flu.
But honestly, in the future when science comes back online, we’re all going to leaning the gut was the heart and soul of keeping us alive and happy and free of disease. Not in a creepy bro carnivore way, but I work in cancer and it’s looking like that just might be where all cancers start.
I’m guessing middle left is Percy post op.
I am currently top left Percy as my new insurance plan through my union is claiming my upcoming colonoscopy is not preventative but rather a method of treatment, and I have to shell out a grand on Thu to get my butt poked cuz I haven’t met my deductible.
I’m Secret Square Purrcy. Right in the middle looking irked because someone ran out of catnip.
Jenny
Since you have better medical care than what I experienced would you consider a post describing the test you did to discover this? And the vitamins they recommended? Everyone is different but I can ask.
Get better soon. You will. *yoda*
Pic 4 (middle left) is totally high Purrsey. Glad you’re feeling better!
Purrsey is such a gift at the perfect time in your life, one of your angels must have sent him to you because they knew you would need him.
It sounds like you got a whole lot more accomplished than I have this week. I consider myself fabulous if I shower and change my PJs before I get back into bed at night, and maybe I cook dinner and get the dishes washed, and if it’s a really good day I do laundry, or get dressed to go to the store or meet with my elderly mother for lunch. I’ve had anxiety all my life, and I am suffering post divorce trauma and chronic pain and autoimmune disorders that severely mess with my life, and I’m dealing with depression that I usually don’t have to deal with, but many in my family were born with chronic depression, anxiety or developed substance abuse, or all of the above and were self medicating. Antidepressants saved my mother’s life and sanity in the 1970’s, but she and several family members found their depression lifted somewhat after they hit age 70 or so.
There’s always hope that modern medicine and science will continue to make new discoveries to better help us who are suffering with chronic health and mental health issues, even though right now it’s like swimming with an undertow and rip tides in the middle of a storm.
Hang in there, and enjoy your little orange feisty drunken eunuch, I’m pretty sure by the photos and the description of his behavior, it hasn’t dimmed his spirit yet. (But it may help keep him from feeling the need to be marking his territory all over the house.)
#4
Summer seasonal affective disorder on top of neurospicy burnout currently have me looking like bottom right Purrsy.
Gold star and sparkle points to you for all you accomplished today!(which was a lot, even when it doesn’t feel like it) (also that goes for everyone reading, not just Jenny)
The genetic test was from Genesite, I believe. You have to have a doctor request it but it’s very simple. I just went in to my doctors office and they did a cheek swab and mailed it to the lab. I’m taking a lot of different supplement for my gastric stuff but the main one that they suggested for the MTHFR issue is “L-metholfolate 5-MTHF plus methyl b12”. Very long name. But check with your doctor first because too much if you don’t need it can be not great for you.
It’s very important you never receive nitrous oxide as a part of a sedation plan if you are receiving anesthesia! Make them put it capitals in your medical history. With your new diagnosis it can be very dangerous.
Also have the MTHFR mutation–nicknamed it that years ago… helps me smile…
of course you saw the word there as well… We are gifted… And cursed… Sending you hope and peace each day… You bring joy to all of us… Hang in there… I am on month number four of the depression episode. Will start Ketamine in two weeks… You have been inspirational. Love your new orange tyrant…
Never never apologize for taking care of yourself… Love from sweaty Iowa…
I’m glad you’re getting the tests and treatment you need.
I have an adjacent story: I first heard about Hermansky Pudlak Syndrome in 2007 but it took TEN YEARS to get a doctor to agree to test me because every single doctor said it was impossible for me to have it. In 2017, Professor Doctor Philip Choi tested me because HIS WIFE (at the time my gastroenterologist who changed my life with her non-gastro medical help) interceded on my behalf. He’d never heard of it before although HPS is a platelet disorder and he was researching platelet disorders and teaching at a uni as well as working as a haematologist.
The test: hand-counting dense particles in platelets under an electron microscope. Diagnosis: positive.
In 2022 when inexplicable bleeding from my bladder put me in hospital with urine “the colour of a nice shiraz” (according to an emergency dept nurse), my GP said I had to find someone to oversee my care. Apparently there was one haematologist in all of Australia known to the networks who knew about HPS. He lived interstate but “saw” me over the phone and said I needed a local specialist.
A few months later I moved interstate and tried to find someone. Research showed Professor Doctor Huyen Tran was probably the best haematologist available, because he specialises in platelet disorders, does research, teaches, and is the head of the hemophilia ward at a major public hospital. I had to APPLY to become his patient. He agreed to see me but said I couldn’t possibly have it, he’d never heard of HPS before and it’s not something someone with my (European) ancestry gets. So he ordered a different test: genetic.
Guess what?
It came back positive.
Back in 1987, a joke at school was “you’re a mutant” to which I replied “I’d rather be a mutant than a clone”. A joke, sledging among friends, was – years later – found to be true! I have a mutated form of HPS. Go figure.
Dr Tran was surprised at the positive result but he was also very good about being wrong.
A year ago, Dr Tran told me he now has about 5 patients with HPS. Beforehand, I’d been asked who I was seeing, so word spread that he’s the guy if you have HPS.
Apart from that Sydney doctor in 2022, every new medical professional – nurse, GP, haematologist, surgeon, whatever – that I’ve seen has learned of HPS from me. I suspect HPS isn’t as rare as they’d have me believe, because it’s so hard to get tested and doctors don’t seem to know it exists.
I think of this when I hear stories like yours. It’s great that you’re getting the medical care you need. I just wish everyone could get that standard of care.
I am also middle right Purrsy… And I know for a fact that middle left is drunk Purrsy. (I was a vet tech before RA made it impossible.) I’m sorry the dark is being extra dick-ish, but glad you are getting some answers and hope the supplements truly do help!!! Keep hanging in there… We all super crazy love you!!!
I’m upper left Purrsy. Screaming into the void 😱. Or maybe the void is screaming back?
Middle left is my guess for high at the vet Purrsy.
Thank you Jenny. I meant ask my doctor for the test.
Can you just get better already?
I’m bottom right Purrsy. No energy or focus today, can’t make my brain work, so have just been flopped on my bed staring at the things I want to do.
Don’t ever worry about leaving us for a while, we want you to get better and take time to rest and heal 🙂 As another middle aged lady dealing with all that shiz and more, I have found that my brain fog is sometimes helped by creatine of all things, and I got that recommended by someone else, so I’m not making this up 🙂 good luck with the supplements and sorry about the motherfucker mutation
Methylfolate was recommended by our physician, specifically this brand for MF gene mutation. Seems to help. https://allergyresearchgroup.com/products/l-methylfolate-15-mg-mp
My son has this. He takes L-methylfolate, which helps his depression. It means you don’t process folic acid correctly. It helped to find out. I felt my meds were not helping me. They wouldn’t test me but I take folic acid prescribed and it helps some.
All those things you have managed to do are not small at all, they are such big achievements! I don’t have depression, but I do have (undiagnosed and untreated) ADHD, and I would struggle to get all those things done (unless I got a sudden burst of productivity and nothing distracted me). Take the wins where you can get them, lean on your community, and be gentle with yourself 💚
Oh, and stoned Purrsy is obviously middle left, but his expression is how I feel most mornings 😅
Thank you for sharing and helping others.
Knowledge is power, right? Or at least, I hope so. Purrsy is truly adorable.
Hey there. Good to hear from you. I’m sorry that you’re suffering but I sent you a video on Instagram about not saying sorry because we are rare and lovely. Maybe I’m adding the lovely but it fits. 🙂 My brain fog is horrible and even my phone knows this bc it automatically put my name after is, haha. Don’t apologize.take all the time you need. I’m glad you have purrsey. I apologize if I gave him a new name. I think I’m bottom right bc I’ve been told that’s how I watch TV. The head and chest anyway. I’m giving you all the feels. I hope everything falls into place soon. I love you.
I think I am finally out of a deep depression, and I hope you get here with me soon!
I have the same gene mutation and taking EnLyte (folic acid) in the morning has made a big difference! I don’t know why it isn’t standard practice to test people for this before subjecting them to countless drugs that do nothing but make matters worse with the side effects. So glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better already! ❤️
I’m bottom right Purrsy. “I’m so high right now.” – him probably. My brain fog is horrible right now and making me question every decision. We will get through this. Love you!
I am totally top center Purrsey, pretty much all the time.
Magic wand
Dear Jenny
You remain an inspiration to everyone. I mean well maybe this info helps a little, but you probably already know this.
Serotonin for mood is produced in the brain only. Longterm antidepressants tell your brain to stop producing. Catch 22 situation.
The building blocks are absorbed in the gut but your brain isn’t using gut serotonin.(different function).
How the two are connected, no one knows yet.
Keep fighting, my friend 🧡 We got you.
I love the one of him just sitting back, staring blankly. I’m so sorry you are stuck in the bad place (in the crazy, I like to say). But, all of us are here with you and won’t let you fall.You are so special and kind and sweet. You help all of us here so much. We love you no matter what the crazy tells you, and you WILL get out of it again! So, screw, you, crazy! This wonderful lady is NOT yours, AND never will be. Big hugs to you!🥰🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I suffer from PMDD and this latest luteal phase has almost destroyed me, so your recent experience was relatable to me. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low, but I’m also thankful for your words and wisdom in spite of the depressive spell. Here’s to things looking brighter, hopefully sooner rather than later <3
I’m thinking first panel in the middle row. I think vet drugs have maybe changed a little – when we had to take our cat in for dental work she was acting like a manic prison escapee upon her return. Sadly she miscalculated a jump & managed to crack a front fang in half, so back to the vet she went for more dental work.
Love the Purrsy pics & find the first panel with the magnificent maw quite enticing:)