My eyes have decided to stop working in low-light so I bought this necklace thing that has little flashlights at the end so I could use it for reading and doing art and last night I thought that it would probably also make a really good hands-free dog-walking light because I always walk in the dark and I’m convinced I’m going to step on a snake or get run over:
And it worked really well for about 5 minutes until I noticed that my nipples were on fire (not literally) because the flashlights were getting overheated and so I tried to readjust it but I guess the combination of the motion and the lights attracted bugs because all of a sudden I had a fucking swarm of tiny bugs all over my boobs and so I started swatting at them but they were drunk on the high-powered nipple lights and refused to move so I ended up slapping my own boobs like crazy while standing in the middle of the street and I guess the commotion made the flashlight connection come loose because the right flashlight started blinking like a strobe light and this is when I realized that a very confused man with a large dog was standing right in front of me and was watching me repeatedly assault my own breasts, the left of which was under a high-intensity spotlight like it was singing a solo, while the right seemed to be enjoying some sort of a disco.
I apologized for my breasts and I don’t know if he accepted it or not because I was still blinded from staring into the boob lights and now I can’t leave the house again.
******************
In unrelated news…Hailey started pharmacy school and I had feelings and got therapeutically artsy about it.
Ok that’s hilarious Jenny!
Hilarious! Would have made a great video! How civilized of you to apologize to that man.
Love and Hugs,
Linda
My dog and I almost stepped on a rattlesnake this morning at 4 am (dark)! I am always looking for a hands-free flashlight so that I can avoid the critters. I appreciate your review of this product and will avoid it at all costs. The neighbors already think I am crazy and I don’t want to add boob slapping to the stories they already tell about me.
You have just discovered your newest secret talent: The Astounding Fire Nipples. Mesmerize your audience and bend them to your will with your flashing disco boob lights. This is a TikTok channel just waiting to happen.
Or you could get a headlamp. Not nearly as sexy as fire nipples, but they do work well. And then you could also carry around a canary and pretend you are exploring coal mines.
Having boobs really is a hassle. Gals want them bigger, smaller, up high, down low. Anything other than what they have right now. Read a book and wear a bra. Damn, life is confusing. And, it is really hot in Palm Springs!! The town motto is “it is a dry heat”. Not now folks it is humid and hateful. And my boobs are sweaty.
I love you so much! This give a whole new meaning to “having your high beams on”!
Wow, a free lights show and bug allure! The man probably was wondering what the heck you were doing.
I suggest a headband LED headlight from LL Bean or Lands’ End to light your way in the dark. You can’t beat them for quality and for standing behind their product if it ends up not working correctly.
Although, then you might get bugs around your face, which would be much worse than on your chest. They should probably make one with red light instead or blue or yellow light to avoid that. Besides, red light waves are good for improving your low light vision.
In my head, “Fire Woman” by The Cult plays.
Crying laughing at the mental image. I actually have a similar light (it thankfully doesn’t overheat!) that I use for cross-stitching in the evenings when I’m stitching black thread on black fabric. I also “flash” my husband with it because it rests around boob height.
When are you going to start sending this stuff to America’s Funniest Videos?
I have a similar device called a “hug light” but one side has died.
Oh Jenny! You always make me laugh 😃 😀
I have a similar light for crocheting. I will NOT wear it outside. Damn thing probably attracts mosquitoes!
Always a good time!
I have a set of those lights too and I find myself in awe that your nipples are high and straight enough to be illuminated by your light. I would have to aim mine from my hips pointed up to illuminate mine!
☠️☠️☠️
Amazing. I love this. The whole situation makes PERFECT sense to me. And why was that man and his large dog interrupting your drum solo anyway?
You can make me cry laughing in two sentences more than most of my favorite comedians do in 15 minutes! It’s always the relatable things that get me!
I wheezed so hard reading this omg im crying 💀🤣🤣🤣🤣 u just made me whole night 😭
Someone needs to make an animated film of this…
Just FYI, looking at the picture, that’s not lightning, it’s a magnet. It appears that those flashlights are detachable…
Haha!
Oh Jenny ❤️ thank you for making me laugh!
I cried and nearly spit out my coffee reading this. Thank you for a hilarious wake up. I’m convinced e were separated at birth. This kind of stuff happens to me with some frequency and my friends and family await news of my ridiculous adventures.
So it’s like 630 in the morning and I’m relistening to “furiously happy” and I slobber laughed at the possum falling in the pool and then playing possum and anyway now I need to loss out 8lbs of poolish 😂
This is similar to a day ago where I laughed so hard at Squeakers that I laid my head down on the bread table and couldn’t move. But it was 4am and no one was here, thank god.
Anyway, I fucking love you
I just opened this, 7am California time and giggled like a demon, if they do giggle. My best to you, Barbara
I needed this. Can’t stop laughing!!!!
I knew right away what you meant by fire nipples. The lights I got for my hubby to use while knitting heat up and I couldn’t use them. I would never have thought to use the lights the way you did!
Hahahaaa!! Picturing the chaos, heat, hilarity, buzzing, flashing, swatting and neighbor’s bewilderment at it all!! 🤣🐶🔦🪰🔦💥😳 Jenny, you are SUCH a delight! No pun intended, but hey, it fits!! 😃💡💛
…and here I am feeling awkward encountering neighbors (especially teenage boys) when having my iPhone in my bra with the flashlight facing outward taking out my trash at night!! (Have a headlamp I’ve used as well, highly recommend/prefer that method!!) 😂😂😂
You should get yourself a head light you know the kind you see miners or construction workers it is square and attach to a plastic hat
they make lights specifically for walking dogs at night. they makes harnesses, collars, and leashes with lights built into them. and they make clip-on lights you can attach to your dogs collar. i used to work second shift and i’d get home at 11:30pm and have to go walk my black dog while still wearing my black work clothes. and i realized we needed help being seen by cars so we didn’t get hit, as there aren’t many sidewalks here. they make lights for being *seen*, and lights to help light your path so *you* can see. and they don’t burn your boobs.
Ah. Jenny. I do love you so. Thank you for this imagery right before I drift off to sleep!
Laughed so hard I cried. Thank you for this much-needed hilarity.
Jenny, it’s wonderful knowing you’re feeling better & heading back out there, de-lighting up your neighborhood…and all of us as well.
I knew as soon as I read the post title that it was going to be good. Fortunately I work from home so only the dog heard me wheeze-laughing.
Gee, mine just helps me knit. I feel, so deprived.
Enjoying being okay when I’m not as I read your book. I wanted you to know that you are a badass. I’m surviving due to you and others like Robby Roadsteamer, Aaron Parnas, Amanda Nelson on TikTok, Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, Robert Reich, HCR, Josh Johnson, and the God Pod,
When I’m laughing out loud now my husband just asks – “The Blogess”? And then I read this to him and he laughed out loud. Thank you for keeping us laughing together. PS – we have family members in a tiny Nevada town with a giant metal chicken in their front yard. Now whenever we pull up in the driveway my husband happily shouts out “Knock Knock Motherfuckers!”. Fortunately, the family hasn’t heard him (yet).
OMG-only you could think your one boob was singing a solo and the other was at a disco! I love you so much! Thank you for your creative look on life, and boobs, and everything else!
Hey – Just having a hard time finding the sunshine today. I always come back to your blog to find a laugh. Thanks for the support. I know the sunshine is there and I will keep looking. Take good care. Love you like crazy.
hello，Jenny.i am a 17 year old girl from China.i really like your book!
Like words in your first book,i stealed this book two years ago from the library in our school.i am a strange girl.i just tried to pretend i am a normal,shy girl.But after I read your book,i tried to be myself.for example,i create a Religion which is named by my name.of course it’s just like a joke,but i can find myself.And i found that I’m not excluded..i am so happy to meet your book.it bring out the true me.i am a strange girl,i love myself.thank you.i really hope i can see you in America one day.sorry i found that i can read your blog in China till today.i will read all your blog.it must be many fault in this essay.thank you for your written so many funny book,it light up my life.I have so much pressure in my life cause i am a Chinese senior high school student.But you the joy you bring to me is enough to encourage me to keep going.💓
(You are the best, friend. Stay weird. ~ Jenny)