My eyes have decided to stop working in low-light so I bought this necklace thing that has little flashlights at the end so I could use it for reading and doing art and last night I thought that it would probably also make a really good hands-free dog-walking light because I always walk in the dark and I’m convinced I’m going to step on a snake or get run over:
And it worked really well for about 5 minutes until I noticed that my nipples were on fire (not literally) because the flashlights were getting overheated and so I tried to readjust it but I guess the combination of the motion and the lights attracted bugs because all of a sudden I had a fucking swarm of tiny bugs all over my boobs and so I started swatting at them but they were drunk on the high-powered nipple lights and refused to move so I ended up slapping my own boobs like crazy while standing in the middle of the street and I guess the commotion made the flashlight connection come loose because the right flashlight started blinking like a strobe light and this is when I realized that a very confused man with a large dog was standing right in front of me and was watching me repeatedly assault my own breasts, the left of which was under a high-intensity spotlight like it was singing a solo, while the right seemed to be enjoying some sort of a disco.
I apologized for my breasts and I don’t know if he accepted it or not because I was still blinded from staring into the boob lights and now I can’t leave the house again.
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In unrelated news…Hailey started pharmacy school and I had feelings and got therapeutically artsy about it.
Ok that’s hilarious Jenny!
Hilarious! Would have made a great video! How civilized of you to apologize to that man.
Love and Hugs,
Linda
My dog and I almost stepped on a rattlesnake this morning at 4 am (dark)! I am always looking for a hands-free flashlight so that I can avoid the critters. I appreciate your review of this product and will avoid it at all costs. The neighbors already think I am crazy and I don’t want to add boob slapping to the stories they already tell about me.
You have just discovered your newest secret talent: The Astounding Fire Nipples. Mesmerize your audience and bend them to your will with your flashing disco boob lights. This is a TikTok channel just waiting to happen.
Or you could get a headlamp. Not nearly as sexy as fire nipples, but they do work well. And then you could also carry around a canary and pretend you are exploring coal mines.
Having boobs really is a hassle. Gals want them bigger, smaller, up high, down low. Anything other than what they have right now. Read a book and wear a bra. Damn, life is confusing. And, it is really hot in Palm Springs!! The town motto is “it is a dry heat”. Not now folks it is humid and hateful. And my boobs are sweaty.
I love you so much! This give a whole new meaning to “having your high beams on”!
Wow, a free lights show and bug allure! The man probably was wondering what the heck you were doing.
I suggest a headband LED headlight from LL Bean or Lands’ End to light your way in the dark. You can’t beat them for quality and for standing behind their product if it ends up not working correctly.
Although, then you might get bugs around your face, which would be much worse than on your chest. They should probably make one with red light instead or blue or yellow light to avoid that. Besides, red light waves are good for improving your low light vision.
In my head, “Fire Woman” by The Cult plays.
Crying laughing at the mental image. I actually have a similar light (it thankfully doesn’t overheat!) that I use for cross-stitching in the evenings when I’m stitching black thread on black fabric. I also “flash” my husband with it because it rests around boob height.
When are you going to start sending this stuff to America’s Funniest Videos?
I have a similar device called a “hug light” but one side has died.
Oh Jenny! You always make me laugh 😃 😀