So there’s this strange thing that happens to me where when I’m in a depression it literally affects my sight. The deeper I get into a depression the more I get literal tunnel vision, with all of the edges seeming hazy and dark…it’s as if I am looking up through the bottom of a well or looking through binoculars that don’t work.
And today…there’s a little light. It’s as if someone turned on a lamp in a room that I hadn’t realized was so very dark. And I feel like I can think almost straight and my basic words don’t run from me. And it is such a relief to feel this and remind myself again that depression makes you feel like you’ve been there forever…that you are at the end. So I’m writing this now to remind myself that it’s not, in case I start to fall down that well again sooner rather than later. And I’m taking advantage of this bit of energy to update you on fun stuff I’ve wanted to write about but didn’t have the energy for. YAY.
First up, I’m speaking at the National Book Festival at the Library of Congress next month. Whoop! Tickets are free! Come join me!
Second, Nowhere Bookshop was voted BEST BOOKSTORE OF SAN ANTONIO and that is a very big deal because there are a lot of great bookstores in this city. Also, clearly we need to make a “BRAINY MISFIT” t-shirt because that is pretty darn accurate and I would certainly wear one myself.
Hailey had their wisdom teeth removed yesterday. My doctors wouldn’t let me keep my wisdom teeth so I asked if we could keep Hailey’s and the drs thought that was very weird but they allowed it, except that when they woke up Hailey said that they needed boil their teeth to make a “teeth tea” because “that’s where all the vitamins are” and the nurse whispered to me “Don’t let them drink their teeth” and I was like, “Of course not. We’ll make them into jewelry like normal people do.” But the weird thing is that Hailey’s wisdom teeth roots were curved so much that they looked like tiny gnome hats. I would show you but they’re still quite bloody and I don’t want to gross you out. But like this, except teeth:
Anyway, Hailey is doing very well today and last time I looked in on them they looked like a beautiful but consumptive Victorian child, mixed with the ghost of Jacob Marley. (Yes, I have their permission to share.)
Small note here. I double checked that reference before posting and I’m glad I did because my fuzzy brain had told me I meant the ghost of Bob Cratchit and google was like, “No, that’s Tiny Tim’s dad. You mean Marley” and I was like, “Right. The ghost of Bob Marley. Wait…isn’t it weird that two people in A Christmas Carol have the same first name? Why would Charles Dickens have so many Bobs?” and so I looked that up and google was like, “Have you been taking Hailey’s pain meds? Because it’s Jacob Marley” and then I was like, “That sounds right but I would have sworn there was a Bob Marley. Is this one of those Mandela Effects?” and so I googled Bob Marley and was vindicated for a half of a second until I was reminded that Bob Marley is a reggae singer who I literally own multiple cds of, and that’s when I realized that maybe some of the depression brain fog is actually still hanging on.
BUT…it’s dissipated enough that I laughed out loud at my own stupidity and had the energy to explain it all here and that is a very good sign. For me, that is. Possibly not for you who had to read my ramblings. Sorry.
Fourth, I don’t remember what the fourth thing was.
She’s back!!!!! Definitely sounding more like yourself. In the best possible way!
Love you! So good to know you’re back and rambling( in a good and funny way!)!
I always look forward to your posts, hope Hailey is feeling better! Congrats on the bookstore being #1!!! Woot! Woot!
I also get that tunnel vision thing when depressed! I’ve always wondered if it’s dissociation or something else.
So glad to hear from you! Hailey is a beautiful Victorian consumptive, you’re right.
Bob Marley is also a commedian from New England where I live. He’s very funny! Hope Hailey feels better soon. (Been there done that it wasn’t fun).
Maybe you are thinking of the Muppet Christmas Carol where they had the characters of “Jacob and Robert Marley”. Those muppet folks are pretty clever for that one! 🤣
When I got my wisdom teeth out in college, I also asked to keep them (and was allowed) because I planned to give them to my stepmother as a gag gift to gross her out (we did not get along at the time). I never did give them to her and have no idea where they are! LOL
I am in awe of you. Even with a light at the end of a tunnel, you crack me up, make me wonder, and pretty much make me leave your readings with a big old smile on my face. Super duper love you.
Hi Jenny! It’s great to hear from you as always and so wonderful to hear that you are seeing a few glimpses of better moments ahead. Love You. 💛
Glad to hear you’re coming out of it. ❤️
There is a Robert Marley in the Muppet Christmas Carol so you are technically sort of right with the ghost of Bob (aka Robert) Marley. Fun fact, it took me marrying and English major in my thirties to finally discover that there is only one Marley ghost in The Christmas Carol and the Muppets was not a completly faithful adaptation in that regard. I’m still going to sing “Where Marley and Marley” every Christmas.
So glad to hear you sounding better! And CONGRATULATIONS!!! Best bookstore! So cool!
You’re not wrong, though. Robert and Jacob Marley are played by Statler and Waldorf in the definitive adaptation of Dickens: The Muppet Christmas Carol. 🎶 We’re Marley and Marley🎶
That’s wonderful news about your depression. I hope Haley is doing well. And I don’t remember what else you said except about Marley which I was confused about because I thought the same thing. I have brain fog pretty bad. Love ya.
Congratulations on best bookstore, and crawling your way back out of the tunnel of darkness!
I hope Hailey feels better soon. I actually felt better after I had my wisdom teeth out, because they hurt a lot more when I had them in my head.
Marley and Marley would make a great duo!
So the blurry vision is actually a physiological thing that happens during depression related to chemicals and pathways. Because it happens to me I was glad to see there was an explanation. Sensitivity to light also. We can blame our physiology not ourselves and try to fix because glasses or binoculars are not going fix it.
(WHAT. I love that there is an explanation other than just “sounds like you’re a weirdo, ma’am.” ~ Jenny)
So happy you are seeing the light again. May it last for a very long time and when the next one comes, may it be short. We love you no matter where you are. Hugs.
This is the best news I’ve read all day—congratulations! Wishing Hailey a quick and easy recovery.
My depression was always a seemingly infinite black cave. I’m glad the light found you again.
So glad you’re on the way up! And I hope Hailey is feeling better very soon!
I forget what eight was for.
Give Hailey all my love. I went through that, too. On the topic of keeping things after surgery, I had foot surgery last year and they put in some hardware. One of the screws later tried to come out, and my husband told my son, “Oh, yeah, she’s got a screw loose!” (Appropriate!) Sure enough, I had to have it removed, and I got to keep my loose screw.
I’m glad you can see more light. Lol about Jacob and his distant cousin Bob! Keep doing what brings you joy eventually.
I could NOT remember what a starfish was the other day due to brain fog. I had to look it up, then I was like…doh!
My wisdom teeth were so severely hooked the tiny dentist had to position herself balanced above me to yank them out, took her 40 minutes a tooth.
Get Hailey some homeopathic arnica sublingual pills. My son had 7 wisdom teeth out (he’s a freak of nature) and he didn’t swell up at all!
Hope Hailey has a positive recovery. Wishing them well. I had reconstructive jaw surgery ten years ago, and the wisdom teeth removal was included as part of it. It was quite the recovery.
Get well soon Hailey! Pineapple juice contains bromelain that helps to lower inflammation.
The Tiny Tim reference!! Love it!
Back around 2019 I had a really bad depressive episode due to life stuff and ended up being hospitalized, twice. During those episodes, I vaguely remember things being in tunnel vision. Sessions with a psychiatrist and a counselor, tweaking my antidepressant dosage, and the addition of anti-anxiety meds brought me back to a semi-normal state. So I sort of understand what you go through.
Post menopausal brain fog has me right there with you on the remembering of names and stuff. HRT is helping, a bit. Wooooooo! Good times..
I absolutely require a brainy misfit shirt!!! Glad the fog is lifting.
BRAINY MISFIT!! Yes! Do it—I’ll buy one for me and one for my brainy misfit mate!
Welcome back!
Brain fog is the absolute bane of my existence.
Many a time my family has heard me muttering, “I used to be such an intelligent person.”, to myself.
Words, man, they are difficult, sometimes.
I had surgery to repair an ankle that was broken in three places. I asked to keep the titanium rods and pins when they came out and the medical staff let me have them when pathology was done with them. I am 67 and still have my wisdom teeth so I never experienced what Hailey is going through and I wish the little consumptive a speedy recovery. So glad YOU are feeling better. Thanks for always being so entertaining no matter what. I always love the stories that involve Victor!
Jenny,
Thank you for being open and honest about depression. You say what I have felt (I have been at the bottom of that well and still revisit more that I would like)
– Lisa
Thanks for your “ramblings”. Sounds like you are well on your way back!
Also, in your last post you talked about the f….ing MRFKG GENES. I was tested and only have one but still find no antidepressant works for me. Acupuncture doctor suggested that all my supplements be “methalated”. Thorne company makes them. Have tried their B complex but doesn’t do much. Maybe you could mention a few other supplements, or would that not be cool- giving out medical advice?
There will soon come a point where they desperately want “real food” instead of liquid or mush. Just know that almost anything can be puréed in a blender if you add a little water to it. They want a steak? Blender. A bologna sandwich? Blender. Whatever it is it will look utterly disgusting but a steak will still taste like a steak.
Congrats on the bookstore! I have to say I’m not surprised, though. It’s so cute and quirky and welcoming.
Always delighted to read your ramblings! I love you as much as it’s possible to love someone you’ve only briefly met at a book signing. I’m the person who told you that you are a Force for Good in the Universe and you almost cried. I was very proud of myself….It was at the Corte Madera Bookstore in CA, in case there’s more than one of us who told you this.
Jenny! We’ve been here with you the while time but also welcome back from depression land!
Oh man I can’t believe you will be at the National Book Festival when I am out of town. That is so great and have a great time in Washington. don’t believe all you hear on the news; there are a lot of awesome local people who live in the DMV. Congratulations on being a part of this year’s festival.
I would wear the HELL out of a ‘brainy misfits’ tee. Please, please make that happen, and available to order by mail! Glad you’re somewhat more out of the fog; been there, done that, know a bit of what it’s like…
I’m glad that you and Hailey are both feeling better and am excited for the great things happening with you – thanks for the laughs as always it’s such a joy to read your writings!
I love your posts.
I enjoy consumption – not the terrible illness but, use of that word rather than tuberculosis. It has remained part of my vocabulary, part of my frequently used vocabulary ever since I read “Angela’s Ashes” in 1996.
When my brother had his wisdom teeth removed, our mom felt the most effective way to keep the ice packs in place was to use tube socks. She tied pairs together (with ice packs inside the socks) in a manner that gave him ‘bunny ears.’ And I, as his older sister, thought it best to take a picture of him while he was a bit groggy. That picture was subsequently photographed via my cell phone and sent to the rest of the family. Nearly 25 years later, our niece had her wisdom teeth removed. Our [other] brother remembered our mom’s sock/ice pack design and recreated it for his daughter. And then he took a picture of her as she sported her very own pair of deranged ears. Earlier this year, I created a photo wall in our mom’s kitchen. Among the many pictures are those of uncle and niece, wearing matching means of ice pack positioning. Good times.
I’m so glad the light is returning for you! Thanks for helping us all remember.
I need the Brainy Misfit tee!!
Full moon today, things will cool down. Well, not in Texas but you know…
I’m reading this at the dentist office way too early in the morning.
Even in your darkest times you are funny as hell! 😂 (I would have used the F*^| word for more impact but didn’t want to offend you. Especially when you have a consumptive child.)
It’s not rambling when I want to remember something I talk to myself and look up Google you got the last name right so this is fantastic I never remember any one name so bravo you we are your support and you are ours take care of you and Haley.
So glad you’re feeling better. thank you for Sharing – and I would
get the “Brainy Misfit” T.
I think that three things is quite impressive!
Glad you’re back – your stories always bring a smile to my day! Brainy misfits for the win! Tell Hailey that teeth tea is something a castaway might do….
You always make my day.
Every time I teach “A Christmas Carol” I can count on getting at least one essay mentioning the ghost of Bob Marley, which amuses me no end as I imagine Dicken’s prose with a Jamaican reggae beat. I have named a school copier Bob Marley, as if you don’t make sure it has a full drawer of paper, it be jammin’.
My doc called depression “Seeing the world through grey-colored glasses.” And he was right. Once the meds kicked in, the world returned to technicolor. Woohoo!
You are amazing, that’s it just simply freaking amazing! Thank you for believing in yourself enough to be where you are today, because if you didn’t I would not have you to turn to when I need a light.
NEVER apologize for sharing your ramblings!! I finally have stopped being amazed at how much better I feel after reading any of them.
My darling Bloggess, you are a Pure Wonderment! <3
Glad to hear you can see-ish again! I, too, have briefly stepped out of my depression cave, which (for me) means I had the zoomies yesterday and have slowed back down and rediscovered reality today. Ah, the roller coaster of mental health.
Bless you. Kind of feel a bit more ok.
Oh, my goodness! I have a pirate eye from my craniotomy and eye talk about it all the time! (Probably too much, but my typing skills still partially work so you know, use it or lose it.) You’re kinda my idol, so hang in there! Because my only other idol really is Michael Jackson and, you know, that’s complicated. Stay awesome!
Oh, my goodness! I have a pirate eye from my craniotomy and eye talk about it all the time! (Probably too much, but my typing skills still partially work so you know, use it or lose it.) You’re kinda my idol, so hang in there, because my other idol is Michael Jackson and, you know, that’s complicated. Also, FYI, my first attempt at a comment is up there under “pandastupendous” which I never created. I guess the Androids decided I was a fabulous panda somehow. Then I somehow made this WordPress Gravatar profile, but because of my wonky eye and tech-challenged status, I don’t seem to able to get rid of the first comment. Anyhoo, wishing you all the best! And stay awesome!
I would immediately order a “Brainy Misfit” t-shirt.
Glad to hear you’re doing at least a little better, and hoping that Hailey is, too; I had my wisdom teeth out at 18 and mean to make earrings out of the two that came out whole, but they’re still sitting in the drawer. Do we get to see what both of you come up with for jewelry?
On a different note: today’s Washington Post has an article about purse-carrying men and how it’s a thing these days. As I went scrolling through the article, I spotted someone who might be a member of your/our tribe: a handsome young Norwegian soccer player named Erling Haaland, who travels with a luxury tote bag and a taxidermy raccoon…I am not making this up, and here’s the link:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/style/fashion/2026/08/10/its-summer-purse-guys/
I thought it was a live one at first, and wondered if it was OK now to bring emotional support raccoons on a plane–have you ever done this with Rory?
Take care of yourself, OK?