Search Results for “cabbage”

I blame the rickets.

I’m on day 7 of this mandatory low-carb, low-sugar diet-for-not-dying and everyone told me that I’d have the I-want-to-stab-everyone-carb-detox-flu for a few days, but then after that I’d have lots of energy and the cravings would lessen and they are right because now I have enough energy to loudly whine about how much I miss egg rolls rather thanContinue reading “I blame the rickets.”

And you can tell everybody that is your song…

Yesterday I wrote about how 2017 is going to be The Year of the Pillow Fort and you were all in so we’re gonna need a bigger fort, or probably just good internet connectivity since most of us are too introverted to leave our own homes. And in the spirit of encouraging ridiculous laughter about veryContinue reading “And you can tell everybody that is your song…”

Drop the possum.

Every New Year’s Day my superstitious family eats black-eyed peas for luck, and cabbage for money. It makes everyone gassy, but we still do it because we’re afraid of the demons which apparently punish you for…not having access to peas, I guess? Still, it’s slightly more sane than other people’s New Year’s traditions (according to thisContinue reading “Drop the possum.”

UPDATED: There is something wrong with me

True story: One of my friends talks about spending all of his weekly bonus money on filo and I was all “That’s awesome.” Because I love pastries. And it’s relieving to me to know that I’m not the only one buying impulse carbs but then this week he was all “Like the new jacket? It’sContinue reading “UPDATED: There is something wrong with me”

PETA is Fine, But Sometimes I Question Their Priorities

Below is an actual email conversation between me and PETA. (FYI: This happened over a year ago and I was going to put it in my book as an addendum to my pets-eaten-by-hobos chapter but it was too long, so if you bought my book just consider this a bonus chapter. Also, if you haven’tContinue reading “PETA is Fine, But Sometimes I Question Their Priorities”

Grossest analogy ever

Conversation I had with Victor after we fucked something up: Victor: Yes, it sucks, but we’ve got a big shit sandwich here and we’re all going to have to take a bite. me: I don’t understand that analogy. You say it all the time and it makes no sense. Victor: It totally makes sense. SomethingContinue reading “Grossest analogy ever”