Category Archives: marketing done right

AND IT HAS POCKETS

Random stranger: I love your dress.

me:  Thank you!

*don’t say it*

*don’t say it*

*don’t say it*

IT HAS POCKETS!

***

This is me every damn day and if you’ve ever seen me at a reading you’ve probably watched me do this exact thing.  Then I say that I got the dress at eShakti and other people in the audience say, “OMG I love them!  POCKETS!” and then I say that they really should sponsor me.  And then, YEARS later, they reached out and said, “We heard you love us.  Want us to sponsor you?” and finally my long game has paid off.  So keep reading because you need to know about them and also because they’re going to give away gift cards on this post.  WHOOP.  EVERYONE WINS.

Here’s what you need to know about eShakti if you’re new to it: It’s a website that gives you a ton of different designs that you can customize yourself.  You can change the sleeves or the collar or the length.  Almost every dress has pockets.  POCKETS.  I usually spend less than $60 per outfit and the clothes last forever.  I literally have 50 eShakti dresses that I’ve collected over the last 10 years and they are all still in great shape.

Secret hints from me:  The best thing for me about eShakti clothes (besides the pockets) is that you can search for clothes by material, which is great because anything that is crepe, georgette or chiffon will not wrinkle even if stuffed in a bag for a week, pet fur won’t stick to those materials, and they don’t have to be dry-cleaned.  (The chambray dresses are also great, but they aren’t quite as wrinkle-free.)  The sizing is very accurate but if you want to pay extra you can have it made specifically for your measurements.  For comparison, I’m wearing a standard 14 in these pictures:

Dog not included.

Does this dress come with a cape? Yes. Capes are coming back. In this house, at least.  (Also, I added cap sleeves to both of these dresses because I hate my arms.)

The only downside is that it takes a week or two to get your customized outfits but personally I sort of love that because I forget I ordered something and it’s like a surprise gift from me.  And if your outfit doesn’t work it’s super easy to return.  Just put the outfit in the box it came in and stick the postage sticker that came inside the box on it and drop it in the mail.  Also, sometimes if you give feedback on your purchases they’ll send you gift cards or promos.

Today if you are a new customer you get 33% off your first order and if you put JENNIFERLAWSON in the referral/gift coupon space when you check out you’ll also get $15 off.  And a bunch of you will be randomly selected to win gift cards for eShakti if you leave a comment below.   (I’ll email you the codes directly if you win so no worries about me giving out your email to anyone else.)

So go check them out because I super love them.

POCKETS!

I’ve literally never worn this dress anyplace other than my own house but it makes me feel fancy as fuck and cat fur and pop tart crumbs don’t stick to it.  AND IT HAS POCKETS.

Don’t drink out of toilets. That’s the lesson I learned on this trip.

First off: This is a sponsored post and I’m telling you now because it seems shitty to read a whole post and then at the end get a “HEY, THIS IS AN AD” but you should read this one because at the end one of you will win a shitload of money because the sponsor is Blue Lizard Australian Sunscreen and they want you to get out and have a bad-ass road trip that doesn’t end in cancer.  WHO CAN HATE ON THAT?  No one.  So let’s begin.

Blue Lizard (who I love and have used for years) asked if they could sponsor a post and my first response was the same one I always have for that question, which was, “I don’t really do that” but then they said “You can write whatever you want” and I was like “Can I write about ghost hunting?” and they were like, “Sure.  But that seems like something you wouldn’t need sunscreen for since ghost come out at night” and I had to explain that ghosts don’t sleep in the day because they aren’t vampires and it got too complicated so instead I was like, “How about I go on a road trip to fucked up places I never knew existed?” and they were like, “That sounds weird.  But good?” And then I was all, “AND THEN YOU CAN GIVE ONE OF MY READERS A CHANCE TO SEE FUCKED UP SHIT TOO?” and they were like, “Okay.  But, um…define ‘fucked-up‘?” and I was like, “Don’t worry about it, Lizards.  I GOT THIS.”

And I did.  Because it gave me the perfect excuse to do a family road trip weirdo-style.  So I set up a road trip agenda to take us to the world’s largest pistachio nut and then Victor was like, “Or we could actually take Hailey to see something worthwhile, like The Grand Canyon or a National Park” and I was like, “Well, I guess we can do both if big nuts aren’t good enough for you” so we did.  You may have seen some of this on instagram but I saved the best stuff for this post.  Let’s start:

First off we flew to El Paso, which slightly seems like breaking the rules of a “road trip”, but driving from the middle of Texas to the end of Texas takes 480 years.

Photo 1: please prepare for lift-off. Photo 2: ladies and gentlemen, we've run out of rum.

Photo 1: please prepare for lift-off. Photo 2: ladies and gentlemen, we’ve run out of rum.

Then we drove toward New Mexico.

Dust storms: the most exciting thing I've seen in 3 hours is mobile dirt.

Dust storms: the most exciting thing I’ve seen in 3 hours is mobile dirt.

Then we hit Arizona:

Arizona dust storm. Much more exotic than the New Mexico or Texas variants.

Arizona dust storm. Much more exotic than the New Mexico or Texas variants.

That’s when I took control of the agenda and gave Victor directions to see the gravestone of Rex Allen’s famous horse.

Visited a famous horse grave? Check. (Hailey: This is a weird vacation. Me: And we are weird people.)

Visited a famous horse grave? Check. (Hailey: “This is a weird vacation.” Me: “And we are weird people.”)

Then we saw a billion billboards for “THE THING”.  What is “THE THING”?  Excellent question.  And one we asked ourselves for the next several hours as we saw a sign for it every mile.  Victor attempted to not go see THE THING because he’s the kind of guy who never opened up his digital alarm to see if there were squirrels in it (there weren’t) so Hailey and I screamed in protest until he pulled in to the gas station where you buy tickets to see The Thing.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 1.46.56 PM

WHAT IS THE THING?! I’m not telling you.  Because that ruins the mystery. But I will say we got to walk through two separate trailer parks to see it. It was very thingy.

My reaction: “Huh.”

Hailey’s reaction: “Whoa.”

Victor’s reaction: “JESUS CHRIST.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK.”

On the way to see THE THING we walked by 100 gourds carved to look like monsters and also a shocking amount of home-made torture-related displays.  I sort of thought we might get murdered  (spoiler alert: we didn’t).

"Fucked up road trip stuff?" CHECK.

“Fucked up road trip stuff?” CHECK.

Next stop was Tombstone, Arizona, where we made a shitload of movie references that no one else seemed to get.

Tombstone: Cheesy, but fun. Terrible margaritas.

Tombstone: Home of campy fun and the worst margarita I’ve ever had in my whole life.

We did some ghost tours in Tombstone but the only thing that showed up on my camera was this weird orb that I kept getting at Boot Hill, which was either a ghost or a moth.  Or a moth’s ghost.  Can’t rule anything out when it comes to the supernatural.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 2.03.43 PM

The next day I took over the navigation.

Unexpected joys of a road trip. "VICTOR! STOP! VAMPIRE STRIP CLUB!"

Unexpected joys of a road trip. “VICTOR! STOP! VAMPIRE STRIP CLUB!”

Then we stopped at Rooster Coburn’s Ostrich Farm and they had a big wall with holes where goats stick their heads out so it looks like you have live, taxidermied goat heads.  Or like giant glory holes but with goats instead of penises.

This goat liked to eat food out of people's mouths. It's what I imagine a strip club is like, except the goat's lips are like boobs. Or butts. Depends on the strip-club. And on flexibility. Either way it felt dirty but also exciting and later I was worried I picked up a disease. So, a lot like a strip-club, probably.

This goat liked to eat food out of people’s mouths. It’s a little like what I imagine a strip club is like, except replace dollar bills with goat food.  And goat’s lips are boobs. Or butts. Depends on the strip-club. And on flexibility. Either way, it felt dirty but also exciting and later I was worried I picked up a disease. So, a LOT like a strip-club, probably.

Then we saw the ostriches who were all surrounded by “WE’LL BITE YOU” signs and I was like, “Yo, I’ll be careful” but right then this asshole slams his head over the fence, slaps me with his own face, and grabs my whole bag of goat food and shatters my thumbnail.  Like, literally he drew blood.

This fucker just assaulted me and now he's acting like I'M the one who started it. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. I DID NOTHING TO YOU. #RestingTrumpFace

This fucker just assaulted me and now he’s acting like I’M the one who started it. YOU DON’T KNOW ME. I DID NOTHING TO YOU. #RestingTrumpFace

Then on the way to the next stop I saw that there was something pretty awesome a half hour away.

Flaccid penis rock or haunted former asylum in a ghost town? I'M NOT PREPARED TO MAKE DECISIONS OF THIS MAGNITUDE. (But apparently Victor is.)

Flaccid penis rock or haunted former asylum in a ghost town? I’M NOT PREPARED TO MAKE DECISIONS OF THIS MAGNITUDE. (But apparently Victor is.)

So we missed the stone schlong that so we could go to the haunted Grand Hotel in Jerome, Arizona.

I walked in and almost passed out. Probably from altitude sickness though.

I walked in and almost passed out. Probably from altitude sickness though.  I didn’t see any ghosts.

It was a weird town.  Half awesome and half threatening.

In hindsight, it was maybe not the smartest idea to pull over to get a better picture of this sign

In hindsight, it was maybe not the smartest idea to pull over to get a better picture of this sign

Next morning we took off on a train to see the Grand Canyon.  It was one of those trains where old-west train robbers board the train and mug you and I thought that sounded like fun and also that if I stole all the hootch in the booze car I could blame it on bandits, but then it turned out there wasn’t even a booze car and I reminded myself why Victor shouldn’t be allowed to book trains and also I wondered why trains even existed.  But it was surprisingly cool.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 2.52.32 PM

And it ended with a stop at the Grand Canyon, which is basically an enormous hole.  But a pretty hole?  Sorry.  They should have sent a poet.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 2.54.23 PM

The most memorable part of the Grand Canyon though was the toilet.

Why do we need to be told not to drink from the toilet? Why is this sign necessary?

“DO NOT DRINK”  Why do we need to be told not to drink from the toilet? Why is this sign even necessary?

I thought it was just a weird one-off thing, but then further up the canyon trail I saw this:

"WATER TOILET." You're giving mixed messages here, Grand Canyon.

“WATER TOILET.” You’re giving mixed messages here, Grand Canyon.

And it was nice to see something that everyone talks about, but honestly Antelope Canyon was so much cooler and I highly recommend.  It started with an authentic Native American hoop dance in the eaves of a non-functional gas station in front of a Taco Bell.  Then we loaded into the back of a truck like it was the 70’s and when we got there it was one of the most amazing things I’ve seen.  Go there.

I TOOK THIS WITH MY PHONE.

I TOOK THIS WITH MY PHONE.

Then we sent to see a giant meteor crater in Arizona.

Meteor Crater in Arizona. Arizona has cornered the market on big holes, y'all.

Meteor Crater in Arizona. Arizona has cornered the market on big holes, y’all.

We saw the Petrified Forest, which is the least foresty forest ever:

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 3.22.29 PM

And the Valley of Fire Lava Fields, which were not on fire and the Smokey the Bear museum where they buried Smokey, and the jail where Billy the Kid shot his way out, White Sands National Park in New Mexico, which is all beach and no giant octopuses.  We stopped on the side of the road to see giant, 10-foot tall zombie hands outside of a cave that sold knick knacks.

Veiny.

Veiny.

And finally we were at the end, as we celebrated the biggest pistachio nut IN THE WORLD.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 3.44.32 PM

And it was magical.  And ridiculous.  And an excellent chance to see the world (or at least a small part of it) with my favorite people.  And none of us got sunburned because we were covered in Blue Lizard.  I highly recommend.  The trip, that is.  And the sunscreen.  They aren’t mutually exclusive.

So here’s the fun part.  Leave a comment about something awesome you’d like to go visit and the best comment will get a $500 VISA card from Blue Lizard to use on your next road trip.  Also, you can use coupon code P20ROADTRIP for 20% OFF orders over $35 at www.bluelizard.net all through 2016.

Leave a comment y’all.  (PS. Use a good email so I can contact you if you win.  I won’t use your email or give it out for anything else so no worries about spam. Also, they can only ship the prize to the U.S.  Just FYI.)

Updated:  WE HAVE A WINNER!

I would love the $500 to contribute to my family’s awesome road trip scheduled this summer! (Also, I have had repeated occurrences of melanoma, so I am basically slathered in sunscreen 24/7 from April thru October.)
Here are the stops on our planned road trip: Orient Mine -to watch hundreds of thousands of bats fly out for dinner at dusk. Colorado Gator Reptile Park (because alligators in Colorado); Great Sand Dunes National Park (sand boarding and sledding, with fantastic views) ; Best Western Movie Manor (drive in movies you watch from your hotel room); River rafting in Durango; Choco Canyon in New Mexico; Roswell, New Mexico to hang out with aliens; Carlsbad, New Mexico (more bats, maybe some ghosts) and then back home (with an overnight stop along the way to visit a cemetery in Pueblo, where my great, great grandfather was buried in 1901). ~ Tracy

Check your email, Tracy.

GIVE ME THIS CAR, CADILLAC. YOU WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT REGRET IT.

So.  Last night I picked up Hailey from her stage make-up classes and this week they did zombies and serial killers and – because my car has fallen for every zombie trope available – it immediately went dead and stranded me there with a bunch of undead children.

Screen Shot 2016-04-28 at 9.22.03 AM

Victor came to jump me off (not a euphemism) but my car was like, “Nope.  I see dead people.  Fuck y’all.  Leave me  out of this” and so we had to have it towed.  Then this morning I was noticing that lots of other big bloggers have ads all over their instagrams and twitter and shit and I never do so I thought maybe it was just because I’m not pitching properly and I decided to start sending out test ads to car companies to they could see how awesome I was at ad copy and then they could give me a car because I think that’s how ads work?  I don’t know.  I don’t really do them but I figured I would start big since I don’t know the limits.  So I sent out tweets like these:

Driving a @OfficialChevy made me fulfilled as a woman & cured all my split ends. #notanadYET

and

Driving a @Cadillac was so exciting I got an erection and I don’t even own a penis. #notanadYET

I was about to send out my next one (FORD: More space.  More towing capacity.  More room for the bodies in the trunk.  Isn’t it about time?  #notanadYET) but then Victor was like, “Hey, your new car is here” and I was all, “JESUS, THAT WAS QUICK.  I JUST STARTED TWEETING.”  But then he stared at me in confusion because it turns out he was talking about the loaner car he just picked up for me.  BUT!  This sort of seems like fate because I really like this car AND it totally has a hundred dents from hail damage all over it and it’s used so technically Cadillac would be getting off cheap if they just let me have it.

unnamed-34

Nice. But…it’s missing something.

Plus, I have a deal for you, Cadillac.  Give me this car and I will personally pay to have a unicorn fighting a narwhal airbrushed on the hood.  That way you win because people are gonna be like, “WTF?  Caddy has changed with the times.  I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I NEEDED THAT CAR UNTIL THIS MOMENT” so it’s great publicity for you, and I get a free car with a unicorn and a narwhal battle on it.  Plus, for once Victor can’t say that I’m not allowed to immortalize great scenes of history on the hood of my car “because we paid too much for you to ruin a car with your ridiculousness, Jenny” because WE DIDN’T EVEN PAY FOR THE CAR.

Everyone wins.  Especially you, Cadillac.  And America.  And the unicorn.  Because a unicorn would totally win in this battle.  Unless it took place underwater.  Then I have to rework the odds.

So what I’m saying, Cadillac, is that you need me.  And I need this car.  I need a car that brings joy and whimsy to the world.  Let’s do this thing.

PS. I tried to get Victor lay on the hood like a model and he just walked away so then I thought I’d put my papillon (Dorothy Barker) on the hood but Victor was like, “YOU DON’T PUT DOGS ON HOODS, JENNY.  EVEN TINY DOGS.”  This is exactly the kind of bullshit I’m working with every day, Cadillac.  Help me, Cadillac.  You’re my only hope.

PPS. Spellcheck refuses to even recognize the word “narwhal”.  It’s all “Did you mean navel?”  What the shit?  Why would a unicorn battle with a belly-button?  This is why narwhal awareness is so important.  Let’s start this conversation before it’s too late, Cadillac.

#notsponsored  #notanad #TOTALLYSERIOUSABOUTTHISOFFER